This is my meditation log.
So uh change in plans on how I'm going to go about this. Because I've realized journalling has improved my self-awareness drastically, and I don't need a dictation app anymore. (Like it worked, anyways.) I'm going to try to keep a clear head while I do this by focusing on a point. Like the tip of my nose. I will do this for thirty minutes. The goal is to practice detaching from emotion, because my depression enjoys commanding my focus.
There's a balance between the importance of awareness of your own emotional state, and the importance of detachment from emotions in order to not sway your judgment or focus. People tend to focus on one or the other, but there's knowledge to gain from the ability to perceive the world through a lens of emotion and a lens of logic. Why limit yourself to one?
I will keep a record of what happens during my meditations here.
There's a lot of ways to meditate; people talk about it everywhere across the internet. I'm currently reading an ACT therapy book called A Liberated Mind that has its own takes on meditation. I am taking one strategy from it and modifying it depending on how I'm feeling that day.
But basically it's this: You get comfortable and close your eyes. You imagine leaves flowing along a stream. If your mind drifts to a different subject, note what that subject is, but put it back in the stream and let it flow away. Try to observe the subject from the outside with impartiality. Don't emotionally involve yourself.
If imagining a river is too hard, I might opt for just focusing on the tip of my nose. (A lot of other people use their big toe from what I've read.) If I'm doing something repetitive at work like data entry, I might use that as my focus.
The goal is not to challenge yourself with holding the image of the river in your head, or focusing on the tip of your nose. It's noting the thoughts that distract you from your focus and what they are, to increase awareness about what's going on in your head.
I find that there's an automatic stream of negative thoughts that I get entangled in throughout the day. I think this is true for a lot of people. These thoughts for me are almost involuntary, especially if I have my attention turned outward towards the external world. They get louder when my back is turned. But when I'm trying to block them out to focus on whatever I'm doing, I don't quite capture what these thoughts are. I get a fuzzy image of them... and get left with the feeling that I don't know what's going on in my head.
I'm thinking of using a dictation app so I can say these distracting thoughts out loud while I'm meditating, and capture them that way. Writing them down afterwards is hard because I forget a few. Writing while meditating leaves me feeling fragmented, and doesn't really feel like meditation anymore.
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so uh LMAO this does not capture speech very well, but idk lets roll with it, see what happens. lol
5/4/24
Really haven't used this page in a while. Hm...
I tried focusing on the tip of my nose but obviously I couldn't do that the whole time. I rotated between various things to focus on, such as my breath and other parts of the body.
I always get a painful headache after attempting to meditate. I wonder if this is from choosing something in my face to focus on. I think maybe so.
Pretty sure I thought of T's parents and marriage again.
I also remembered something I used to do when I was younger to help me sleep at night, back when I was around 12. I forget if I had just made this up or if someone told me about it. I would focus my attention on my toes, and then slowly expand my awareness up to the rest of my body. There was a time where that would do a decent job of helping me fall asleep. Ah... there was another trick I had too, about observing the darkness behind your eyelids when they're closed. But I forget my reasoning with this, something about differing levels of darkness...
I had this anxiety too that the alarm wouldn't go off, and I'd be stuck sitting there for the rest of the day waiting for the alarm to tell me to stop. Made me open my eyes at one point.
I got into a deeper meditative state during the last third of my session. Thoughts would appear less, and if they did appear I was able to detach from them fairly quickly. Hopefully I can improve upon this.
3/25/24
I'm using tedious parts of work as my focus today. Obviously I can't talk at work, so I'll spend a bit of time writing stuff down.
I should tell my therapist about my meditation. Does F know about this blog? The more I try at meditating the more my head hurts. So I should try less. There has to be a middle ground in trying to stay aware and not hurting myself. I think if I give myself breaks and let my mind go without watching it my head will hurt less. It doesn't matter if I'm not always aware, because it's likely the thoughts will play over again while I'm trying to maintain awareness. Thinking of A playing with my clit in one hand and my tits in the other. Getting nervous about saying that publicly. I don't think it matters. No one looks at this. His hands must feel nice... Dude tortures me. I don't really care about him though. Rotate him in my mind as a sex object. N always calls me trouble like I'm a dog. I'm ok with this. So fucking horny... T's going to be happy when I let him hit me raw soon. Lets let go of horny thoughts. Yeah that didn't work.
This ain't working. I'll just try this without writing it down. Guess I'll have to use a dictation app.
3/24/24
I don't know what I'm doing I see A's head hurts I do my mind drift care about Brewster feeling anxious inside my chest it's getting worse seems the way it is only good for her few days ever thought of just talking it into app tried to help you so much fucking pain imagine the Stream where am I gummy worms then like what he said about the gummy worms that post is the people Snack Bag after sex not children just realize absurdity hope Brewster is okay why you so scared today like the spring and the birds head hurts I should have eaten that I'm not losing weight feeling more relaxed now maybe I can relax my forehead my God you've been up in space in my mind come into power try to help you A I don't want you to suffer I don't want anybody to suffer am I supposed to now check your profile have to let it go I won't be able to Forever not ready yet to expose myself to it though means you're still fresh how much is F now got to set up the RSS feeder on a new candle been open space inside my mind I have to help lonely people in the world feel really relaxed unintentionally it's kind of happened if I let my thoughts go I become more relaxed watching them come and go works there's Peeko there's Peeko there's Peeko blue internet cultures bleeding out into the real world if not going to know what anybody's talking about I don't really want to head hurts feels like some rock in my brain love would volunteer to be play tester don't like me much this fucks miss the game we used to play wish we could have done it more don't know why we did it oh my heart yields to you trying to capture as much public space as I can and add it to my collection keep twitching it's the limo driving does that mean truckers walk not very enthusiastic about cleaning that's why the name of the number since we don't have any other number anymore I can't call them Brittany and Victoria sound like American names manage your time well don't consider the Big World be kind something chronic brat keep thinking about his beard when you kiss that kisses knock see all blue denim was not a very great look though think of his sharp turns hope he's doing okay bubble match those girls dreamers I have no room ??? outside can't leave I was inside the house trying to get to you pay attention Wrangler jeans deep breath Maybe Sensations so many weed pens people who tend to not acceptable help others wonder if he hates me cuz I got him a way out ??? size sugared but I mean ??? sorry testing okay