So this show is about the serial killer Jeffery Dahmer. His big killing spree happened in the early 90s, but he became a murderer in 1978. He ended up killing around 20 people, many of whom were minorities, and it's really fucking devastating how incompetent the police were at protecting the gay black people in this town. I suspect they were purposefully negligent at taking requests for help seriously.
The police are always fucking idiots in true crime, any one who has listened to a lot of true crime knows. Apparently cops in Canada are especially stupid.
Anyways, Jeff was... it's hard to know where to start. He always felt extremely lonely and isolated throughout most of his life, and he didn't know how to befriend people, and he didn't know how to find interest in almost everything. The only thing he seemed to like doing as a kid was dissecting animal carcasses.
Because he doesn't understand people, they probably seem chaotic and unnerving to him? Maybe? But he also wants to be around people, and doesn't like it when they leave. So his idea is, "How about I just kill people, and I can keep their bodies, their flesh, consume their flesh, sexually please myself with the flesh, and in a way, they'll be with me forever."
Which I don't think is the right way to handle things.
Watching this was uncomfortable. In some ways, him and I feel and think similarly. The gnawing, unending sense of loneliness. I've felt the desire to control people so they don't abandon me--not by killing them, lmao. I people please; I hide the parts of myself I don't think other people would like, so they'd stay longer.
That's how I used to be anyways. I'm less of that now, but angrier, and worse with coping with loneliness. Verbally belligerent and conniving if you push me hard enough.
I want to read more about him, because I read the wikipedia page after watching the show, and it seems like the show sensationalized a lot, as well as romanticized him. I wonder how much of his killing was because of loneliness or his sex drive. Also from what I could tell from the wikipedia page, he was a LOT more brutal than what they showed. I think if they showed the full extent of his violence, people would be more repulsed by him. Instead of being me and weirdly identifying with parts of him.
It is weird though, the overlap. We both intoxicate ourselves to subdue our sense of morality. In the wikipedia page, one psychologist said he drank so he'd feel less guilt while commiting these murders, he'd be more out of it while it was happening. I use weed so I can feel more out of it when I want to act like a jackass. It starts to feel funny instead of terrible. I use it to escape guilt.
... I promise I'm not trying to be "omg he's so like me fr" about all this. I don't want to be like him.
One: if you have a drink or two, and you start killing people? I don't think much of a sense of morality was there to begin with.
Also he never really tried to quit drinking. I'm trying to control it all a bit more. I gave T my weed, and he lets me have it when he's around, and there's certain things I'm not allowed to do when I'm taking it. I'm trying to discipline myself, though embarrassingly I need outside help with that.
My kinks are largely unexplored, unlike Dahmer's. I'm afraid of uncovering some fucked up shit if I get too deep into that, so I show restraint. And Dahmer obviously did not.
Dahmer had a lot more going against him mental health wise regarding his understanding of people. But outside of that too, he never made an effort to try to get a long with people. He never really showed interest in their lives and what they like. He just cared about his own. Narcissism, honestly. Hm.
... Well I think that's what I got. I wanna read more about him, get some less sensationalized material about him. ... Whole thing leaves me feeling weird and sad.