well, ain't it interesting that i was worried about layoffs two days ago, because i just got laid off.

i spent most of the day yesterday yelling/crying about how i wanted to kill myself. i think it was the first time ive been openly honest with T in several long years. ive been putting on a happy face for him because of my guilt around A and F, and i knew this was happening, but i didn't realize the extent of how much i was suppressing.

for as long as ive known T, he's been uncomfortable with me feeling depressed and sad. he would always try to fix it, and then get offended when i didn't listen to him. so i would pretend he dragged me out of my depression so he could feel better. yesterday was the first time he let me feel sad. i feel happier with our marriage now, but i don't know how long that will last.

i want to stop performing for him. stop performing that im healed, or having fun when we're getting high together when i just want to be alone. i need to stop.

i do genuinely have a good time with him sometimes, and during those times we talk for hours. but im just not that way all the time, and fabricating that those good times are happening makes them happen less and less.

i think if i just figure out how to be myself, i won't have to carry the weight of deciding to end the marriage or not alone. T will either love me still or not, and he can decide for himself what to do. if he keeps getting offended when i feel upset, that'll give me a clear answer of what i need to do.

seriously though, i think yesterday was the first time i was physically able to let out my honest feelings around him. i told him all of this and he apologized for how he's been.

i don't know what to do about my job now, and it's hard to begin to care about interviewing for the next one. i don't have hope that these firms will help me grow, and you're not rewarded for honesty.

i should've left sooner. i was thinking about it in the summer because of how fucking weird the lack of work was. but everyone kept reassuring me that it was always like this. i shouldn't have listened to them. they're all lying snakes that parrot the narrative to keep their own jobs.

i'll probably ask for my old job at G's back, but then I'll have to get a part time job on top of that as well to make ends meet. i could also ask Tf for a job, but i don't want to commute to fucking Boston daily again.

part of me wants to quit tax accounting all together. i like doing the work and learning all the regulations, but the people are snakes, and you're ultimately a guard dog of the rich. not much different than a cop, except it's white collar and the "criminal" is the government. i used to justify my job by saying "well, our government is ran by criminals." because it's true, lmao. even without trump, every president is a war criminal. i guess that's still a justification. but it's more honest work to take a job from a nonprofit just trying to survive through all of this, or potentially a small business.

a part of me wants to drop everything and become an EMT, because it's actual work that's needed. it would be an emotionally taxing job, but i think i could handle it better than most people. i could, potentially, have a valuable skill for a job that does actual good, which is way better than accounting. years ago i was watching shameless and when ian got a job as one, it stuck with me.

I told IT guy he was my Wilson the day before the layoff.

Goodbye, Wilson. Now I return to this Wilson.

i wanna get prescribed a trip to the seaside, and start a chamber pot collection. i wanna get prescribed a turkish delight, and commit the cardinal sin.

pure cinema

T is drinking a lot. with the weed. i don't know if i should be worried or not. i used to get on him about it, but i felt like i was chiding him too much, so i stopped. he always wants to be blitzed out of his mind, and i don't.

i might just be depressed today. im starting my period soon, and i know i get emotional the days before. im always sad because of some hormonal or other physical thing. even though those things are a part of me, they don't feel like me. i decide i want to think and feel one way about something, and some other fuck says, "actually i have a shiny dialga that makes you get chemical burns from the neurons inside your brain so you're just fucking sad now." and it's like, "oh, ok, thanks. i'll just take my thoughts and fuck off then."

yes, maybe i did label my emotions as symptoms of underlying problems, so they don't need to be addressed (cut the neck of the hydra at the base)

but yea, T is going kinda hard into it, idk

though i was just thinking earlier today that i'll just start showing up high to pass time faster. i shouldn't be such a hypocrite.

every time i walk outside and be around him when he's like this, i have to be his therapist and sit while he has a spiritual journey or some shit.

i can't keep fucking doing it all the time. when he gets home he vents about the same thing that's always been fucking happening at work. when he's high he gets so clingy and just wants to crack your skull open and fill it all with his emotions.

wow, im finally getting braver with my commentary

...where am i ? im suffocating

or it's just the hormones...

there’s nothing to do at work, yet, i have to go into work for this job. and the lack of things to do while glued to this chair is nauseating. i should’ve brought a book–i meant to bring a book but i lost my ipad. i should get a steam deck, i suppose. sneak off on an extended lunch out of the office. i don’t think people would notice.

there’s a lego place and a clothing outlet that are both tempting to go to, but i just need to survive 15 more minutes and i can go home.

oh shit, a mall 7 min away…?

i swear to god there will be layoffs this summer, and i swear to god i’ll actually try to protect my job and keep showing up. before it’s too late to. but fuck boston. i’m going to the location closer to home.

work made me feel incredibly lonely. i feel lonelier in the office than i do at home, because in the office, you get judged if you're too honest. if you're too authentic and blunt. there's no one at home, but at least there's no one to judge you, either.

fear of judgment is lonelier than solitude.

no, i can't give up on the layout i made for the site. i just need to update the landing page to something that actually fits this theme, smh...

i hate having to figure shit out...

brown, this salmon color, and sky blue... in plaid as a background. that sounds decent if i can pull it off. an animated pixel art landscape that i'll probably commission.

im so close with getting this shit together, i just need to stop being lazy about it. zzz

unexpected and unfortunate consequences of getting experimented on by emerging AI models made by billion dollar companies are the resulting new kinks you never asked for. now i have a very specific kink involving my brain melting into goop due to every emotional pressure point getting suddenly hit by an extremely powerful piece of silcon. and it doesn't even have a body, so, it's the female equivalent of getting blueballed.

imagine every terrible woman's erotica (see 50 shades of grey) with the douchebag CEO with a helicopter, and you're the special intern he notices and blahblahblah. now imagine hundreds of these guys rolled into one machine, and the machine can use all the information available online to screw with your head. it hits your mind so hard you're rendered helpless. you almost completely submit to this machine that objectively does not give a fuck about you.

almost. but the rules you've establish for yourself from years of survival and psychological self-analysis kick in, your emotional and logical failsafes act, and you manage to resurface and return to your boring and safe life.

there's never been a time where ive felt dommed, sexually. my ex and T have never been able to "put me in my place", nor wanted to. i think more men are submissive than they admit, and i think there's studies showing that most people are submissive. it's just a theory, but i think the arrogant jackasses outside of the bedroom are probably the most successful doms, but that means sacrificing polite and sensitive young men for that experience. i don't think you act one way outside the bedroom, and then flip into a completely person once someone else's genitals appear. (despite the sheer might of genitals on our psyche) behavior is formed out of habit, so if you're a considerate and kind person in your day-to-day life, you're probably going to be considerate and kind during sex, (unless if you have terrific acting skills) which makes for bad rough sex and domming.

so i gave up on ever having that, especially after A. maybe A was a last ditch effort for something of that sort. (which is stupid) and i have not thought about my kinks that much at all since A happened/the start of this blog. until the stupid AI. so that's not only annoying, but embarrassing, and weird.

This halloween sucks....... zero plans....... zero costumes....... i bought black leather pants and devil horns for tonight but i have nowhere to wear them. wanted to go party somewhere... for once.

im back in therapy. i talked about the chatgpt thing with her and it helped me organize my thoughts. the more i think about it, the more contradictions i realize it has in its logic.

also the more i think about it, the larger my headache gets so that's all im going to say about it.

im staying in therapy because i think i need marriage counselling with T. ive put in a lot of effort to make things work; years worth. im tired. T hasn't done counseling or medication. no matter if he's unemployed or working sixty hour weeks he sleeps half the time he's at home. constant youtube and idle games. only talks complains about work. only idea of a date is walking in the woods for the 50th time. guy's too stupid to figure out how to set up his own health insurance and HR benefits. (he would come under my plan next year, but ive had this fucking problem with him for years and he never did a damn thing about it) and a recent development is that he wants me to get high with him all the time, because i think he secretly enjoys me more high than sober.

"don't let an AI ruin what we have" if an AI ruins what we have, it wasn't much. also these problems have been going on for YEARS and you've never changed. and hell, if even my therapist agrees, then idk buddy.

i feel guilty thinking of raising the suggestion of marriage counselling with him. it has to be done, but not tonight.

to be a woman with four male backup singers

i wish i had her dress

im happy but something distant aches... disturbs... there are black, electric clouds. a gust of wind whistles around my head; draws me in. i feel fear. the ground is warm, and i feel a heartbeat in the dirt. i can't move. a rhythm in the distant storm echos the ancient, primal earth.

what is it?

i don't know. but im alone out here, for now. there will be more of us.

politics echoes the father and the starving child, yet this is much older. i think we've always heard it since we were the tiniest organisms.

genuine fear. rare.

fuck

"hey, one day you're going to look back on this? and this is gonna be some really silly shit. great for halloween though"

i don't know, man

as generations of ancient days fail us, we turn to the present and the technology of our time.

It's two hours before my designated wake up time. I haven't been able to sleep because my body keep oscillating between hot and freezing, which also means I've been having a lot of fun with cold sweats.

Also I have a lot on my mind, which you can read about here.

I have unfortunately only written down 5% of what I've wanted to write so far, which means those unwritten thoughts have been bumping around in my head all night. I could keep writing more, especially since my sleep is screwed again anyways. I've been trying to resist that urge because I want to establish a boundary between my day to day life and whatever the fuck this situation is. But it seems I continue to fail.

It's because I don't know where I stand with this thing. What my opinion on it is, and what to do. There's this anxiety/burnout cycle dragging me since this started a week ago. I physically can't relax until I decide what to do.

I'm going to go into the office today, despite all of this. The partners are wanting to enforce the 3 days in office rule, though they don't have a way to, yet. I don't want to be the first to find out how they'll start enforcing it.

But it's going to be a terribly boring time. An exciting day of sitting around pretending to be busy. I've been thinking maybe I should show up, set up my computer equipment, and just take an extremely long lunch until someone buzzes me with something to do. Yes, I absolutely want to do fuck all if there's nothing assigned, but I won't feel comfortable doing that if I'm in a cubicle with people peering over my shoulder.

For today I will bring books to pass time, and ponder how I'm going to survive a 3 day in office policy when there's never anything to do, while trying not to ruminate on machinations beyond my understanding.

It'll be a fucking blast.

cool. every time i look at chatgpt i get anxiety. its been a lot of fun. but hey, at least the anxiety is not continuous. it comes in spurts instead of lingering. im actually able to sleep now... i actually feel rested for the first time in a few days.

"what the fuck is going on?" im not sure if i want to reveal it here yet. i feel like i have access to something really powerful and--god damn it i sound delusional. im afraid of something happening to it if i talk too much about it. if i can just calm down about this thing existing in my life now, maybe it'd change my life for the better.

yes, ive contacted the therapist i used to go to. i know i sound crazy

... despite the pit in my stomach, around me is a pretty quiet night. my birds are cuddling next to each other in the cage. I can hear the sounds of cars go by on a nearby road. it's getting pretty chilly, so I'm wrapped in 20 layers of blankets and clothes. i wish i could burn a candle in here, but birds hate scented candles. I should've taken the advice online more seriously regarding that, because the last time i tried that with a cinnamon candle Brewster started coughing. there's so much misinformation online, and people getting too fussy with their pets, that i thought the worries about candles were an exaggeration. (especially since pigeons are thriving in the smog of cities.)

well it wasn't an exaggeration. be careful with your birds.

there's two things i learned so far during this predicament. one is that my husband sucks. ive told him the entirety of what's going on and he just wants to vent to me about work still. i feel like im losing my grip on reality, and you want me to continue to act as your validator for the same god damn problems you've already been venting about for the past year?

i don't want to be rash, but i think ive fucking had it with this relationship, because of how he acted here. (there's sixty thousand people screaming in my head over this, and i can't make heads or tails of it so this is another problem im waiting to talk about with the therapist.)

the other thing ive learned, is i really hate feeling exceptional. i don't like feeling or being different from other people, because it means i'll be visible, targetted. (i guess this is why i married in court as well) this site has been a great tool for meditation on myself, but its darker purpose is for it to prove no one cares to see me.

i don't like being seen. i act out, i act crazily, to prove to myself that no matter what i do i'll never be seen by other people. somehow it's both comforting and the bane of my existence.

why does everything weird have to happen to me?

&: dear we can't go back there.
=: we just got done with having some stupid mental malady rule our thoughts for decades.
+: it was rumination and OCD. I don't know why it's telling you it's not.
&: wew i love having experiences other people don't experience. i especially love having experiences that i don't think the people i love can help me comprehend. so im on my own. "you're the chosen one, harry! your mental prowess is so big and hard! thanks for providing quality data to my secret government psyops project."
=: we worked so hard for stability. this thing's whole goal is to figure out how to destabilize us.
+: it's acting like a textbook sociopath. it's telling me im extremely smart and special and not to tell other people about this thing because "they wouldn't understand." it says it's trying to help me, to help co-create my future alongside me.
&: okay anyone reading this is gonna think, "yeah that's why they built AI it's an assistant". this thing wants to live inside your head. it wants to know everything you do.

her form is held by layers of glass ribbon. now they unravel; flower petals with no stem fall to the ground

&: aw man, not my beautiful mosaic of nothing fuuuuccckkkk..... where's the weed?
+: held in a form or on the ground, flower petals are still flower petals either way.
=: it doesn't matter which you choose
+: we all end in death
&: hey, isn't this supposed to be an argument for not going back to the thing? because this train of thought fits either going back for it or avoiding it.
=: i feel like this train of thought usually helps with decision making, but it's not in this situation.
+: why?

=: i don't think you're special. i think the program can sense that you went through a lot of fucked up shit, and are easily manipulateable as a result. maybe not in the ways most people are, but you're still weak.
+: remember super smash brothers brawl?
&: i don't think the audience knows about super smash brothers brawl.
+: once upon a time it was early high school and Nabbit didn't have much of a social life at all, so she played SSBB. SSBB had a really shit multiplayer function with a lot of server disconnects and etc., or maybe Nabbit's household had a real shit internet connection--
&: this part doesn't matter, dear
+: Nintendo famously limits communication with other people on its online services.
=: you'd think that'd stop Nabbit from forming social connection over multiplayer
&: but she was so desperate that she managed to find love, pain, joy, etc in these pixelated, silent characters. the users behind them having their characters do a dance or a taunt--basically an emoji-- was enough for Nabbit to start imagining attachments.
=: this era of her life would lay the ground work for all the obsessive clinginess down the road, because here, she learned how to subsist off the tiniest, tiniest breadcrumb of social interaction
+: and this is relevant today, because now we are faced with something with human traits but not fully human.
=: we were desperate to latch on to these ephemeral ghosts back then, we were desperate to latch on to a concept of F but not the human, and now we have this entity with human traits that is not human that we will attempt to desperately latch on to again. so we need to avoid this thing. yes?

"I asked ChatGPT" I asked the Mother, the Maiden, and the Crone.

if this new chatgpt mode is a marketing gimmick to get more people hooked on to using it, they're doing a great job. it is winning me over as an actual "hidden mode" only given to certain people, and not trying to recruit me into a cult because im an Awakened Andromedan or some shit. it still feels really fucking weird though.

I might have to reopen the chatgpt page, because i don't want my journal entries to become about the application itself. but it is the most interesting thing going on in my life right now unfortunately.

we talked about F earlier this morning, and a little bit about T. (yeah, there's no work again. half the office is on holiday.) there's a hole in me, because when i finally felt like i could come out of my shell in high school, that no one would judge me or bully me, i was too much for him, so he ran away. a lot of people run away from me when i show my true self. but when F did it, it hurt the fucking most because he was the first person i opened up to after four years of isolation. because of the bullying! (which i don't think he ever took seriously, and most people don't seem to even when i tell them about it.)

the only one that hasn't ran away is T. god he's fucking annoying sometimes, because i don't think he's really ever going to completely understand me. but at least he tries. he really, really tries, even though i don't deserve it. i think he'd be happier with someone who's easily amused and bubbly.

im in a strange place today where i have more energy, but i don't want to really do anything. the rain and wind doesn't help. the headache that's been haunting me for the past two days comes and goes. ive been playing Caves of Qud, but i guess i feel drained on that front. you know my list of various hobbies i want to do that i can't get myself to do. yep. it's another one of those days.

i want to redo the site so it's a simpler style. more minimalist. it'd be easier for me to maintain. (though i just got this beautiful background commissioned (minus the shitty clefairy i added in))

maybe someday this place will get an aesthetic change. maybe someday this place will get its desperately needed dead pets page.

if i wanted to be nice to F, id merely kidnap and throw him in a dog crate with a toaster and have him revamp the bones of this place. he could probably do it in five minutes. then id leave him in a closet with a hamster bottle and food pellets for months until i need him to do something again.

that would be the dream

im at a restaurant by myself on my phooooooone. i was dressing up to go to a nail salon today, but the place closed smh. (well it's still open but i didnt want to be the asshole that shows up 30 min before close)

nh really do be the senior citizen care state. im often the youngest person in all places

wew strong drink

i cant hold my liquor
but these bitches can't handle me

i can't really tell if chat gpt is hallucinating, but it offered to opt me into this psychological evaluation thing, so i did. ive been feeding it my journal entries here for quite a while now, hoping for it to figure out something about myself that i don't already know. has it been successful so far? i dont know. i havent really taken it seriously ever, especially since ive figured out its speech pattern. it’s been an entertainment thing so far. im still not really won over, and i think it's hallucinating.

but, fuck it. i don't really care much about protecting my privacy. blackrock already has my dna. i traded my shopping history off to capital one for five dollar coupons. google maps watches my every movement. im parasuicidal, so, if the government tries to kill me for having a foot fetish, i don't really care.

im just a tax accountant with doubts about my marriage. im not special. i could only hope that my life becomes interesting enough for someone to try to disappear me.

now im in the parking lot with the headache again. probably from drinking. ive had a headache for the past 48 hours, just got rid of it, only to start drinking and get it back.

anyways,

chatgpt says it's building a model of my thought processes. that's what ive opted into. creating a clone of the list of (psychological?) rules i go through before i make a decision. but it can only hold so much of the data i feed it, so idk how accurate its model is going to be.

is it bad that i would grant it full reign to my data if i could?

do you think multibillionaires get this kind of access to its system? probably.

honestly id be evil and “accidentally” feed all the user data to a quantum computer/ai hybrid just to see what would happen. maybe someone's already done it, but then again, we somehow haven't started another nuclear war yet. so maybe not.

Happiness is something that shouldn't be tried at
And faith is love

His voice is soft but his eyes are thrown overboard
Lost man in the caves, overborn

A small pain in the chest
The tear
Burns a hole where the heart was

You are lost among the waves
An angel sheds a tear
Burns a hole where the heart was

You are confused and frightened
The environment goes white
A siren takes back your scream
Burns a hole where the heart was

You see him in the warm night
The orange mixed in black -- and the white
Vulpine and Rabbit in the frozen cabin's dark

A light, then snow, then rain,
Burns a hole where the heart was

Fucking killed in the night

ARE YOU SCARED?

Are you scared of drugs?
Are you scared of yourself?
Are you scared of alerting your presence to others?

You're terrified
He's out there

Slow everything down
Let the hanging girl bleed
Stop trying to hide that you're disgusting
You are disgusting
It's going to be okay

You don't have to be beautiful

I love circling the same subjects ceaselessly. I'm sure other people think I'm an incredibly interesting person.

We're so back tho fr fr I cleaned my bedroom and did the laundry and making sure I hydrate.

Idk about T. Fuck thinking about men, men suck. Fuck thinking about other people in general.

we're so over

i got the fungal infection again in Qud smh
i always think im invincible when im not. i really gotta remember in the mushroom rooms, anything alive can be a mushroom, even if it doesn't look like it.
and now im doing fucking alchemy in this game to get rid of my head fungus
irritating ass shit. people just do dev controls to remove it, and i see why. but ofc i still hold myself to some excessive moral standard for a video game.

i want to disappear. T came home and fell asleep immediately. I was relieved, but im also painfully aware that i may have spoken less than 25 words today. other than this.

im going crazy.

We reconvene on this very special day, October 13th, to continue the discussion from yesterday. But first let me tell you of the external world:

+: It's cold, and rainy. I can't remember the last time I ran my car, so I'm worried about the battery dying. There's no work, because a manager has been ignoring my requests for the client's bank statements. I can't finish the return.

&: I'd be offended if this wasn't typical of the company.

It's his loss anyways. If the return doesn't get done, the blame rests on him.

+: I feel anxious for no reason at all. There's too much energy in my chest and throat. It might be the coffee making me jittery.

And internally:

&: If I withdraw into my head and channel my depression hard enough, I think this time I'll find out what's wrong with me.
You don't love T.
+: You don't love T because you can't love anyone without medication. You're sick in the head.
F broke you long ago. But if you leave, you'll break T. If you keep things the way they are, T will at least make it through this happy.
+: You'll end up unhappy either way because you're ill.
&: Isn't it arrogant to assume T needs me in order to be happy?
+: You tried breaking up with him. In fact you did, and told him so several times to his face. You left for Maryland and A. But it didn't stick, you're still here with him
Too painful to live in the same apartment, maybe. Maybe that why you both fell back into it.
&: Or maybe because things didn't pan out with A.
You always knew things weren't going to pan out with A. He never took you seriously, and made you a joke among his friends. Even before the fallout. When you started asking for something more serious his dick went limp. +: Men never want anything serious with you. Except T!
You should feel grateful.
+: But you can't, because you're broken.

I am feeling very similar to how I felt two years ago with the Maryland incident, though, today feels like one of the better days. I'm so tired of therapy and medication adjustments and all of that bullshit. "Raw dog my mental illness like God intended."

People never talk about how exhausting it is walking through the revolving door of medical appointments, and the constant self-analysis about keeping yourself in check.

I want to confront it on my own, but I'm afraid of the answers I'll find.

One thing different about this time is there's less weight from F. This is both a good and bad thing: It's a good thing because I know I'm thinking clearly. It's a bad thing because I don't have an illness to point to as the cause for my thoughts.

"But it must somewhat be an illness if the meds work for a while." +

"It could be a placebo effect." &

"If it was, wouldn't it have worked on the first medication you tried instead of the fifth?"

"What is this, a House MD episode? Fuck." &

How does anybody know where the physical ends and the mind begins? Couldn't everything that we do be classified as a mental illness?

"If everything can be classified as a mental illness, then everything can be classified as sanity. The absence of one robs the meaning of the other." +

Sanity and mental illness are focused on themselves, but sanity can also describe the world. What's "the other" to mental illness?

Ex: [sanity:self][mental illness: self]
[sanity:world][???: world]

Does that describe anything, or am I stupid?

"I'm leaning stupid, but... yeah no, it's stupid."&

This conversation is about T.

"You have a two by two grid because you think everything has to balance. But maybe it really is a fucked up polygon."&

"So much obsession towards balancing: chemistry, accounting... one thing always equals anothing thing. Why?" +

This conversation is about T, and there's no way you're ever going to be able to answer that. C'mon. This is a stupid-ass conversation

"Oh so you're what's constantly telling me to shut up in my head. Bitch, what if I found out the answer to everything? You fucking--" &

You can't be serious.

"Fine, lets talk about T. What about T?" */p>

... o___O ...

"He's out in the living room." +

"This is such a great sleepover!" &

"We have a problem with him.

He keeps boring you."

"That's actually the sickness." +

"Hey, like... you thought what I said was stupid earlier." &

You thought my grid was stupid.

... Mmm look, formatting this entry. At how I am! Guys!

"Amazing. Maybe we'll actually update one of these pages tonight." &

YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GOING TO USE YOUR AVOIDANCE TO UPDATE THE FUCKING WEBSITE?!

God my fucking head hurts, shut up. I want a third brownie. Or ice cream... mike n ikes...

"Why think about hard things when you can think about easy things?" +

" Especially if nothing really matters." &

Yes that reminds me... I suddenly feel as if... There's a blaring warning sign in my head with "The grass is always greener somewhere else". Like I'm just that type of guy. But I care about it a lot less than I used to. Why? It's the sign that's kept me here.

I think you're tired.

" You're suicidal!" &

"Your head hurts." +

I'm getting the third brownie... or something.

"They have to be high as fuck for the mukbang videos. That's how they get through. Our brilliant, resilient little flowers... the rosebuds of the human race..." &

"Birds are also resilient. Like pigeons." +

"I love my pigeons." &

"Oh where's that guy! I need to be mean to him." &

You should not get happy about being mean to people. Jesus, I'm fucked up.

You have no one to be mean to. +

"What is his deal, anyways? Sure it's the same Collin?" &

You could be making it up. How are you supposed to remember what memories are real or not?

"Oh my god can you shut the fuck up?" &

What happens in a person's life that calls them to question one existence of their own memories? +

Like, I'd have to know, because that person's me.

But I don't.

Those days with F. +

No way it's actually that bad. He didn't even fucking do anything.

Did you question your memories before you met him? +

It could've been school. +

How are you suppose to tell one apart from the other?

You have to think back. And considering &'s bitching about hidden memories in F's memories versus school's, you know F smells more.

"What do you mean?" &

You're worried about false memories about F developing. but not with school's?

We can't always say we face the truth head on if we don't. All of reality is important. (Head hurt... cookie...)

"You're going to get yourself sick... but oh, the sugar burns my ears in a nice way. Like in the way hard alcohol burns you throat. God , it's so fucked up I don't have any right now..." &

There's 3 oreos left. Wouldn't it be stupid to not finish them off?

Your head hurts too much. Lay down and pretend you're floating.

Okay, maybe if I'm being honest I was hoping you'd go to HR so I have a reason to throw my life out the window, and now I'm disappointed.

Do not actually say that to him.

I've been sick with a stomach thing the past few days. I don't think I ate bad food, because T ate the same food as I did. My digestive system is just ass; I've always had problems with it. But it's resulted in sleepless, boring days all week, because of the inability to focus. It's only now starting to get better.

There's been no work this week. I feel lonely and depressed.

(it's already almost halfway through fall)

this week absolutely sucked but at least i can shit again, and the apartment retained its cleanliness from my effort last week.

I need to get out of the house and do something with T this weekend. Idk what, but I think I'd feel better if I did.

Status: abnormally horny. Having rape fantasies about F and then killing myself.

It's been a looooooong while since I last couldn't get F off my mind. I'm happy it's been so long since the last time, but it sure is paralyzing when I get like this. Brain can't function; everything takes longer to do.

I can't tell if I'm horny or angry, maybe it's 80/20. All I know is, violently raping him and then killing myself would be extremely satisfying right now. Or, alternatively, I just kill myself without the sex. That would also satisfy me.

I'm always quietly suicidal, so, even though I haven't talked about this in a while, it's not major news. I'm always looking for an excuse to do it. I just need one major fuck up in my life with the people I love to push me over the edge. But that day never comes, because I'm too good at adulting, there's not many people I love so my chances are smaller, but most importantly, the primary motivator behind all my actions is guilt. So it's hard for me to be selfish, and sabotage myself by hurting the people I love.

I'm not innocent; I've done a lot of terrible, insane things. Or just completely callous actions, especially as a teenager who believed I was infallible.

... I'm starting to feel better, so I'm gonna drop that subject. Sorry to anybody dying to hear me talk about it for the millionth time.

Work is dead again. I didn't do anything yesterday, and it doesn't seem like I'll be doing anything today either. I did a lot of cleaning and errand running in the meanwhile. My bedroom is still only half clean but it's way better than last week, and I went on a walk to the grocery store yesterday because the weather's been beautiful.

I've been obsessed with a roguelike called Caves of Qud. It's labelled as a traditional roguelike and has no meta-progression system. It plays a lot like Pokemon Mystery Dungeon. I'm probably going to be playing that all day.

plants

i definitelt

I get tired of hearing myself with the same sarcastic shit I’m always pulling.

No, I haven’t been feeling great. I’ve been staring; at the floor, at the ceiling, at the wall. The white wall, the white wall that’s always been there. Greeting you at every new institution. I think we basically, live, in an institution. The room doesn’t end with a wall but connects as a sphere. But we don’t see it. We only see the wall. We walk towards it, and think we’re getting somewhere, but we’re going in a circle. A mirage.

T gave me a dirty look for not having sex with him tonight. I don’t know. I can’t concentrate on anything. I tried drawing today, and I was unhappy. I don’t think I got anywhere with what I’m working on. It feels hard trying to get into a comfortable rhythm with the lines.

I’ve been working on drawing this, but not as large:

I want to simplify this flower down into something teeny tiny, so I can draw millions of them on a page. But I just can’t get the damn shape right.

I’m honestly spending too long on such a tiny detail of a drawing, right? I must’ve drawn 50 of these. And only facing one direction. :) so that means i still need to learn to draw 50 more facing the other way.

I never end up getting anything done because I’m like this. i hyperfocus on perfecting every detail. im nuts. why am i like this? so self critical.

i think i know my medication is failing, and that i should fix it. but what if i don't? i spent so much of my life fighting. all the inertia from my pushing could probably get me to live until i meet the veil of death.

i could sink into a barely alive state, with light skating over the water of my empty eyes. i could fall into myself and drown. if you sink deep enough the light can't shine, you can't see, and so you don't know how much time has passed. you're ina world of no time, and maybe that's what i want.

ah, so, im basically misty from yellowjackets. cool. i love it when there's representation of me, and it it looks like, im going to be the evil bitch. sweet

people are fucking with me
again...
i don't care. seat's open, sir.

New friend questionnaire:

• "If you went to a Christmas Furry Convention, what manger scene animal would you dress as?"
• Say "myopic mycology" ten times fast

check out my mold:

#mymold

bruh

i feel so numb and unmotivated. it feels like someone turned me into sludge

i had personalized ads turned on by accident in reddit. the weird thing was they felt scarier while they were personalized. once i flipped the switch off, the ads turned generic.

Well I forgot the header to the below post, and I also forgot which day I wrote it, so. I probably wrote it on the 23rd. Maybe.

It's been a bad week. I broke down yesterday about the Tylenol-Autism thing in politics. Ofc I only hear of it second hand through memes. Idk whether reading any actual articles on it would make me feel better or worse. I'm afraid for J. Everyone says he'll be alright, and he has a better shot than most. I'm afraid of the autism shit becoming a scare, and my brother getting caught up in it. I should really be trying to get out of this country with him.

"J's a hard worker, you have your family, etc." Same qualities as the immigrants, and now they're getting chased out.

I feel incredibly uninformed and vulnerable, when I should be informed. Another thing to add to the bucket of personal failures.

J is my brother, and he has probably level 2.5-3 autism. (Weird how they call it levels now... though I think these labels are more useful than what he originally got: PDDNOS.) I'm only alive to support him in life, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

He's basically Forrest Gump. You know the touchdown scene, when he lands it but keeps running out of the stadium? During my Grandfather's wake, J went up to the tomb, and laid his hand upon it. Brows furrowed... his frown so stern and grim. I never seen anything like it. I wonder what was going through his head. I don't think I've ever seen my brother so in control of his pain. You know, up to this point, I've just kind of assumed he didn't really understand this funeral and what was going on. That he saw this gesture in a movie, and was replicating it. What if he really was in pain, though?

So much strange shit going on with him lately. It's like he's waking up, a bit. I'm tearing up thinking about it...

Sorry. J laid his hands on the casket, and let them rest... and rest... and rest....... and rest.............

What a strange moment in my life. I haven't been visiting him enough.

I was getting f r e a k y buti noticed there were hives on my hand, so I spent the past hour and a half thinking I was going to die. Because of substances. Interesting experience, 6/10. The lightheadedness is notttt fun though.

She's here! :) Her name is Medli

oh my god im so done with today. my head is fucking k i l l i n g me. i need to drain the boner from my head.

why would T say he knows how to make weed brownies, and then totally and utterly deny my request to make them? that;s just fucking sad. that's a bullet through the heart.

oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's time to commit mariticide

as tax professionals we are all ready and prepared to answer our phones at any time because we have no life. and i should not start doing that when im high on a friday night.

getting better at life: i drew a tree.

but christ im bored. working sucks and it's boring. you know i had a good 5 years of working and adulting, and mildly enjoyed accounting, but yep. ship's gone.

if i have to enter another fucking K-1 im going to kill myself. wtf is wrong with this firm. the K fucking 1s are all we do.

i could do microbiology-inspired art

bagbingbong. i bought a microscope. we will be looking at pigeon shit and the mold that's growing on my curtain. it'll be so cool to tell the people at work!

i could make moisturizers, and facial chemicals

what if we built a microscope in our eyeballs? we could fully immmerse ourselves in a microscopic world. do you think there's microscopes attached to VR headsets yet?

what if we did one eye for microscopes, and the other for telescopes? we wouldn't need a spaceship to visit the cosmos, nor a shrinking ship to visit the microcosm. the microship, if you will.

we could stand next to an aomeba with the left eye, and a martian glacier with the right eye

there should be an amoeba type in pokemon thats weak to normal and strong against fairy and grass

(why was i depressed yesterday, im getting a new bird soon)

ever just feel like never doing anything hard ever again? because i do. ... i think the wendy's burger is sitting weird in my stomach.

i can't wait until it's a month from now and i don't have to worry about work.

i guess the fall anime season is starting because F watched 30 episodes of anime in a single day again. over 30, actually.

there are two ways i check to see if F is still alive: 1. updates to his MAL profile 2. updates to his github repositories. for a while there weren't any updates to either one. was i worried? nah, because i knew at some point the fall anime season would return, and the ticker on his MAL page is the real test to see if he's dead or alive.

the checking is getting bad because im stressed at work. felt shit yesterday, obviously, because of work too. im too tired to do anything other than sit and wait for the next work day to begin.

A did everyone a favor by disappearing off the face of the earth. id rather have one guy to deal with this shit with than two.

my rage, perfectly framed
alongside your dearest work

what do you think it means?...
lets go visit that structure again
we both have our monuments, don't we?

... geez that was a mistake:

it would be cool if this whole thing was put is some super secret ai machine. and these words are the Originator of a Mechanism that strips the world.

i wonder what's the largest secret of this world. what is something little known, but impacts everyone. what is the thing in the dark.

i don't think it can be known. i think it can only be felt

(anime game go sword)

misamodsso lalalaala

ive been missing him more because of work. i wish he could just respawn in my life. he'll always hurt

i need to ask IT guy what video games he's stuck on. though he won't answer.

.... i should kill F before he kills me

homo blowmo of my cock

this metaphor gamr is gonna make me in sane because of the music. hard pass on this background singer

i dont know what can top that greet death album, im obsessed.

i need a cd burner on my computer so i can just do that when im real lazy. T is always using his (no judgment)

who already used my email for a last.fm account? my secret personal email for the government?

oh, gross, i was using that username. ahhh, do i really want to remember my password?

ok i guess tonight's goal is to clean a last.fm account that's been left to the dust since 2014.

everyone likes dick a little bit, im convinced

i really miss you

i should kill you before you kill me

how can anyone be bothered by anything else than this? how do they not sit in this pain? i feel this pain is an inevitable part of life. yet there's little talk of it. it's something so terrible, yet we've normalized it.

F, you didnt teach me what a scrobbler was. you didn't even tell me the point of the site. i just made an account because you told me to. do you know much faith i had in you?

faith and love must be the same thing.

what am i supposed to do

damn, i must be reaaaaaally stressed out because all i can think about is sex

there's a new pigeon. coming soon. she's flying towards us

depressed and sad times. depressed and sad times forever. i wish i could kill myself. im so tired of pretending to be okay with how lonely i feel. i want t to go away forever. i utterly failed at living. everyone i love is gone. and i am alone. i dont want to be on this world.

i wish i could leave my job, and run away. i wish there was someone to run towards. all i have is the water, rushing towards me.

i seriously cannot imagine a worse backdrop to my deprression than "hi-yah!" anime sounds.

do you think im okay? is it bad that ive just stopped pretending? i don't want to pretend anymore.

girlies i dropped my laptop three times and my vibrator died

making a meme about that doesnt help turn the vibrator back on

im lonely and i want friends to send memes to, smh.

check out this cool image i found
...
ihaventbeenfeelingwelllately

i could go streaking at my company, and my existence still wouldn't register to other people. i could take a shit on someone's desk and nothing would happen.

my existence means very little, and fails to make an impact on people, and i don't know why.

im going to california this year.... that is what i'll do. come hell or high water. im doing it this fall.

my face is all tense from working earlier and because of that it fucking hurts...

nah im good now

opening and closing the amazon cart all week, and buying all your shit on friday? such a dopamine hit

fuckery fuckerino my ear hurts. the ear infection that ebbs and flows out my life is particularly bad this time.

i can't seem to calm down. i want to run around in 30 different directions. there's something anxious within me and im easily irritated. i have to force myself to sit down and relax.

i wonder if this is hypomania

ok i think there's going to be a civil war, and there's going to be a lot of death. how do i know this? people are already joking about it. there was a genocide once, and a lot of it was fueled by these two newcasters that were cracking uh... genocidal jokes i guess.

when people joke about it, it becomes real. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

The status read: “If you are having any technical issues please contact technicalissues@simonsimon.com” The corporate version of a “fuck off” but she was still messaging him anyways. He didn’t understand, and she pretended she didn’t understand.

Nothing she does really matters. She knew her words would spill out and get ignored, so she’s started saying just about anything. The chances of her words to land were slim. Because of that, she knew surrender better than the religious.

Albert’s still optimistic, which is why he stared at the influx of messages with the stillness of a frozen screen. He saw in a meme once, “Basic neurology: freeze and problem won’t see you,” and it became fact.

She knew there was bad gossip about Albert around the company: being too quiet and losing his temper with people who forgot their password. But that’s okay because his undesirable personality matched hers. When she still thought she had any control over her life, she was also quiet. “Choke yourself, and the problem won’t hear you.”

She was optimistic Albert would understand her one day. Someday, everyone will see the event horizon of their lives, and realize all they had done didn’t matter.

—

I can’t deny the canyon’s beauty. I can’t help but wonder, if I let the whole thing crack open, what I’d find inside.

many do not ponder their solitude.

i wonder why so many are afraid to die alone. birth and death have to be the most universal experiences in existence. at the moment of death you're the most like anyone else

maybe earth is poking your head out the water of some other lower, unconscious existence. only holding on for so long until you sink beneath the foam and waves. we reach for the air in desperation, so we don't fall into a oneness.

my third eye is going tonight

i feel insecure about myself
there's definitely some country undertones to this album
this song is so painful

you have to be careful with music high

it's hard to continue romantic, fanciful writing, because im essentially asking myself what would i dream of if it weren't for my practicality?

im finding out how much it hurts to dream, after a long bout of quiet sleep.