there's shit i need to do but Brewster is so soft yet bitey. it's like bdsm
that is the strongest indicator id like bdsm
id like
id like....
don't talk about zoophilia that's not what i meant and you know it.
lowest hanging fruit mf
i downloaded an ai romance app, because im stressed, procrastinating bored, and it's what you'd expect. anime characters instantly flaunting their cock and tits. but there are a few perplexing characters. in this one scenario im sitting on anime boy's sister's bed, and he's telling me to leave his sister alone. im not sure what im supposed to do, because if this were real, id ask to talk to the sister. or maybe id just tap out and say "yeah this aint worth it see ya later". am i supposed to be turned on?
it honestly feels like im talking to an apparition of myself, some sort of emotional residue i leave behind. i understand the "protect the sibling" stance. this is the equivalent of wiping my own ass, with how banal it is.
well, i told him id fuck off. for some reason this is an achievement and im level 2 now.
i don't understand the sex factor here.
depressed because i started the job searching process again. there's no government jobs, or at least not the ones i wanted. im catastrophizing right now, but that awareness doesn't stop it.
i could do something else with my day. there's still time
these sentences feel like an exhale
ok maybe i can't wait until im dead
i told K today that i should start donating to CSA prevention charities as insurance in case i financially endorse a pedophile, because there's a high likelihood of this happening to me again. because society is full of pedophiles.
if you make at least 1 million dollars, or hit general audience fame, you're a pedophile until proven innocent. this is just the law of the land, guys. i don't make the rules
uh so yeahh im home now. time to put my life back together... starting tomorrow.
i had a conversation with a guy on the flight back, and it reminded me how bad i am at conversations. i subconsciously think everything about me is unshareable. that my life is too weird in a bad way, and that im off-putting. despite writing so much here, i don't know how to talk about myself in a way other people usually expect. i think putting my writing in my mouth and saying it wouldn't go over well with most anyone.
the guy on the plane conversation, for example:
"oh so you're coming back from your honeymoon?"
"yeah, sure"
"you got married? in December?" he asks
"yeah, sure" (definitely not over a year ago)
"how was the wedding?"
"oh we didn't have a wedding, we got married in court."
"so you eloped?"
"well no not exactly, because our parents knew"
"why no wedding?"
"because my mom is crazy"
"how is she crazy?"
"well... there's just not a lot of logic to her" *evasive smile*
"what do you do for work?"
"im a CPA but i was laid off... because i pissed a guy off, probably"
"what's a CPA?"
*fails at annunciating words because tired + jaded*
"what do you do for fun?"
"hiking. definitely not website creation, AI theory, or weird art."
"do you watch anything?"
"star trek"
"what do you like about star trek?"
*suddenly can't remember a single fucking thing about star trek"
my life is embarrassing
i chose my hotel room. i would remove the small hallway leading into the main part of the room, replace the bed with a desk, remove the heavy curtains from the window, remove the table and chairs, remove the TV.
there is a ball. sometimes it lowers, sometimes it rises. sometimes it slaps with a faint "plip, plip, plip," sound. it often sticks, or gets caught in undesirable locations. it's warm to the touch, and musty on bad days. it often comes in pairs.
it fell over. it rolled off the table. it shattered on the floor.
it moves to the door. it stops for a moment. it leaves.
i need to come up with a daily routine for next year
"aren't you on vacation?"
yah but it's raining right now and my period started. i feel like shit and im stuck in bed. we've killed ourselves physically over the past couple of days to get all the outdoor activities in during the sunny days.
though it's been a lot of fun. the San Diego Zoo has been my favorite part so far. i gotta do more things like that.
unfortunately i already know the routine that works. it did a phenomenal job when i was studying for the CPA exam:
ive been having a hard time taking it seriously. i think when i had a job i stopped feeling like it mattered, and now that im laid off ive been too anxious to care. maybe i was really depressed last year in an emotional flatline sense... the more i think about it, the more i think i was. my previous job made me feel like i didn't matter. every day was bland and empty, and i didn't have the freedom to fill the time with things i wanted to do because i had to be on call for managers. i spent most of my time last year waiting in a weird low grade anxiety for the time i'd have to perform being a busy body for my co-workers because that's public accounting culture. at least at a boring government job, there will be work to do, and you don't have to pretend to be anything.
over the course of next year i hope i can stop talking/thinking about my job so much. i don't give a shit anymore and i want it to take up less of my life.
---
the most variable part of next year is going to be my relationship with my parents and brother. i want to see J more because I'm worried about him. T and i are thinking of having him sleep over monthly on the weekends at my apartment just so he can get away from slaving at my parents'.
im realizing my Mom can't control her abusive behavior or emotions at all, and i don't think she cares. when i was growing up, i thought her abusive behavior was targeted at me specifically, but she just sees people as punching bags meant to tank it, and all of us are interchangeable. which is why even J's a target for it.
ive been crying about it quietly yesterday and today. i have a hard time knowing J's been taking the heat since i left my parent's house 10+ years ago. there was no way i could've known this would happen though. i unfortunately expected better from my mother.
i'll be honest, i hope she dies
---
i love San Diego. :p it only costs $400 more for an apartment here than where i live. if it weren't for J we'd move out here for certain.
we went to the zoo and had an amazing time going to all the bird exhibits, lol. here are some pictures:
here's a massive list of animals i saw (all the birds anyways):
the size of the big cats always surprises me. i keep thinking since they're called big cats that they'll be bigger than me, but they're not. and then random herbivores like the okapi will be massive.
my favorite animals were the mindanao bleeding heart dove, and harpy eagle. im happy there's so many different species of dove/pigeon. i'd like to believe it's the bird form of carcinization
i just got back from my parents with T, and it was a bland christmas. kind of how it goes with aging parents. they always buy T and I hats and scarfs every year that we have to go donate to goodwill. (and i was just at goodwill getting rid of last year's hats and scarves.)
it's becoming apparent that J's been tanking the hits for my Mom's controlling behavior. i can see his anxiety around dishes and clean tables; the same chores my mom traumatized me with. i guess they make him do everything now. i see a silver lining in hindsight to my childhood suffering now: i didn't know it, but i shouldered some of the wrath that J would've received if I wasn't there. When I was a kid, I didn't think my Mom would ever use him as the punching bag like she did with me. I see now my expectations were too high.
they tried forcing him to eat lasagna today, and you could see his facial expressions go through all seven layers of hell trying to choke it down. ... when my parents' backs were turned, i scraped off his plate and put it on mine. :) he told them he finished it lol.
it's been 31 years. J doesn't need to like lasagna to live.
J's treatment put me in a gloomy mood. I'm going to try bringing him to my apartment for monthly sleepovers on the weekends, so he can get a break from them.
there's this lingerie store thats been giving me $40 coupons every month, which is kinda crazy. i guess the customer base is so into compulsive purchasing that giving people $40 coupons doesn't matter because they know they'll buy more. long story short i have hacked capitalism and found a way to get free underwear.
no im not dead
i dropped the job search for the rest of the year, because it's fucking holidays and im going on vacation soon. it's ridiculous to go on vacation during a layoff, but T and i have been planing this for half the year, and we're tired of altering our plans every time a tragedy occurs. our adult lives have so far been spent managing catastrophes instead of living
ive been writing a lot, and i want to make more pages for those writings, but i have to reorganize the nav bar to the left first. it's an eyesore i hate looking at.
no, not a lot of #deep shit in this one. a lot more doing than thinking.
i wonder if pigeons and other birds actually like music
i never thought i was good enough as a kid. i thought (cried) about that a bit tonight, and then drifted to pokemon and wanting to play music again. stuff i did as a kid.
i really wish i could have the Brisa, but it's 2k, and I don't wanna impulse buy. i can float by on the aerophone until im really sure i want a brisa, and it'll also be cheaper too.
i was an A/B student. who else was an A/B student?
Peeko liked metal.
the foot. hbrewster keeps going for the foot.
vinny u gotta stop feeding the troll. your audio books are valid :3
guys my entire body feels like ass. legs feel like sludge, stomach feels vaguely nauseaus for no reason at all. i can't remember when i last touched grass. but i will be touching grass tomorrow to collect unemployment.
i could be playing guilty gear right now, but im not. i really need to aspire to more in my life.
lord...
a plane crashed across the street this morning, and it didn't even wake me.
there. the sleuthful intellectual can dox me now with that information alone. (oh god.... getting doxxed by.... a sleuthful intllectual.... hnhgh...)
i shouldve invited that dude to go steal stuff from walmart with me in college. that was my last fucking chance out of this. he could get high and not addicted to anything, he did everything under the sun. i thought it was bullshit though, which is why i dont have a big enough penis to steal things from walmart, and why i dont know him anymore. it's the same idea.
i want to put him, A, and O in a room together, and see who wins. EAO EAO EAO
i don't mention F because... he sucks dick. kind of obvious he would get the shit kicked out of him immediately. O next because... army drop out. didn't make it through the training portion. really comes down to A or E. E could probably find a new way to bend the human spine in a fight with A. homelessness, drugs, shoplifting, streetfighting. and E did not tick off any bullshit alarms in me the few times i hung out with him. an honest to god motherfucker.
godspeed. i hope you're still alive.
F is still a completely different breed of person that i don't think i'll ever meet again. EAO are all the same type of rapscallion personality. maybe i never had a chance because im not female EAO.
i still miss him. just objectively now, though. he was a really special person, and now he's gone. it's similar to the feeling you get when you return to your childhood home, and it's completely renovated and unrecognizable. you carry the memory.
today i applied for jobs, cried, then played A Little Bit to the Left.
i got several irons in the fire for art:
i'm also studying the statistics and cognitive science portion of AI. i need to start on deep learning and the game of go. i haven't decided between cognitive science and AI statistics as a thing to study deeper, so im just reading the first chapter of these to figure it out.
they're hard reads. it's much easier reading fantasy or history adjacent subjects instead of hard academic literature in a field i know nothing about, lmao.
philosphy is just as hard for me though... well, maybe not as hard. that's something i should try reading again
also my workouts:
i hope my anxiety about job interviews calms down, because talking about jobs is extremely boring. id rather focus on these projects.
the only thing making stomach churn is my own identity and ego are linked to being jobful.
and i could just stop... like, nothing is going to hurt me.
i don't have anything to do tomorrow....
underass epic
i wonder what made vinny never touch undertale in his life
im still feeling on edge today. and i don't want to be bothered at all today, but instead, T and I are going out of our way to celebrate christmas in our apartment. it's been 12 years since ive personally celebrated christmas; my 20s were spent going to other family to sit around their tree as an obligation, and that'd be my christmas celebration.
T wants the christmas celebration. neither of us are religious, but he loves feel good family things. i am reminded of how he would've been a good father... there is a teenager at his work, with a drunk father that attempted suicide recently. and also got himself and the kids evicted from their apartment. He's going to help the kid build a gaming pc in January. I hope that fufills something in him, and for that kid.
we went to a christmas craft fair across the street, and for me it was real awkward. all these boomers staring me down from their stands, guilting me into buying something from them with their eyes. and picking something out was just as awkward. i was staring at all the christmas ornaments to buy, totally disconnected from the spirit. it's like going to someone else's house and not recognizing a single piece of food they're serving. so you just pick something and pretend you're happy with it, hoping they don't see your discomfort through your mask.
christmas... not a fan.
ok maybe i had a bit of fun
im doing things today, but i don't feel good. on edge. there's too much energy to burn. my little baby pigeons are sitting on the couch with me :)
Be proud of me, I finally fixed the home button.
I also did a few tweaks to formatting on the home page and added a credits section. Since I'm not the best at art... well, really I have a bad time dedicating myself to a project. Because of that, I buy stock photos or commission. There's more I need to add to that section,
omg guys.... i could've just created a BODY class instead of MAKING NEW CSS FILES for every page that's not the template
FUCK!
i realized just now Brewster is like... a shitty guy that gets all cool and mysterious when you stop paying attention to him. Honestly, the cooing when I leave the room sounds like an apology.
i killed my ass cleaning the bird cage.
I'm so tired of interviewing... thank god I made myself free tomorrow so I can do things I actually care about.
I don't know what on the website I want to work on yet, but I think that's what I'm in the mood for. I'm also in the mood for designing some sort of fursona for myself, again. It's just hard because I want it to be a dragon/rabbit mix, but not leaning too hard into the cuteness factor of a rabbit. The hardest part is the skull shape. I'm not sure how a hybrid dragon/bunny skull is supposed to work. The new theory is to try a canine shaped head; you got the fur, but a large growling wolf snout would give it edge. Not quite a scaly, but not quite the bunny face. I guess that's the in between...
new several hundred dollar purchase that will change my life for sure
(really hope it does)
i …
i…..
i took a gumny but all im getting out of it is painface. my cheekbones hurt?
*reverb in* … my cheekbones hurt? … *reverb out*
“chat member says:” thank you for contributing to the audio impaired, vinny.
these open world nintendo games are starting to stop trying again. this metroid is fucking empty.
also it looks waaaaay too tolkien fantasy. as a newly fledged scifi lover, i never played metroid.but tolkien fantasy is soooo overdone and super not hype. i have no choice but to be disappointed in this game.
i need good sci fi….
i needs a lot of things….
like the pain in my FUCKING face to fucking stop
im the type of person to roll over to a new god if i think he can't hurt me
and sometimes im wrong
yeah, i don't know what i was doing earlier
things were supposed to be different
that's what we were promised
but uh... we don't have anything. and yeah, our parents, grandparents, were wealthier. but now that we are more cognizant of their misery, can you really say they had anything either?
im tempted to try speaking to A again, though i know it's the stress talking. he's been tortured enough by my actions. if i ever talked to him again, it wouldn't be healthy. it'd be impulsivity and stress relief. a break from life, but nothing meaningful. i wouldn't be reaching out to him for him.
the best thing i can do for him is stay away.
big interviews coming, but it's a waste of time hyping over them. most likely, im not going to get anything special.
:) interview. we're not talking about it.
I'm taking my brother out to the movies with T, to watch Zootopia 2. I enjoy furry shit, and I enjoyed the first movie. What can I say.
I will soon become a scholar of children's movies in the late 2020s onward, because of my brother. And a decade or so later, I'll become a scholar on children's TV shows as well. I don't really have a choice in this matter. I'll know the most obscure quotes, just like I did as a child, because of my brother watching the same thing hundreds of times.
I think my overexposure to children's media and Disney long after I was in the targeted age bracket might've alienated me from people. But then again, there's adults who watch children's media willingly, so...
"Mom, there's a dumb talking potato with a hat on, and no mouth!"
"That's okay sweetie, that's just educational television! And you shouldn't say dumb, that's not nice."
Anyone know that one?
Anyone?
Here's another hint from the same show:
"Cliff Hanger, hanging from a cliiiiifff! And that's why he's called Cliff Hanger!"
Seared into my fucking brain.
The last decades of my life will be fine, probably, maybe.
6 hours of running around, running J to the theater to watch that movie, getting pizza for him afterwards. He gave us a small Christmas tree as a present, which means I don't have to go fucking Christmas tree shopping with T. I got out of that, thank god.
Then we ran to Best Buy for a web camera that I'm only going to ever use once because my laptop's internal camera shutter won't open. Then I got weed. And now, I'm home, and I get to wake up tomorrow for three interviews im anxious as fuck about.
i also have to file for unemployment....... so i can have money......................
i hated today im ngl, but in retrospect i know i'll be happy i lived through this day, because i finally got to see my brother without my parents around
poor J. the previous questions i used to use with him to get him talking more, "what's your favorite character?" and etc, he gets real nervous around. someone in the family must've grilled him over those questions, mad when they didn't get an answer. im betting my Dad. he's never been sensitive enough with him, or anybody.
J has a hard time talking about what he likes and answering certain questions because people pressured him to act socially normal. it takes my brother a while to think of answers sometimes because of his disability, or he straight up doesn't know how to answer, and people get irritated.
i hope J can heal from all of that some day
ive found new questions to ask him that he doesn't get anxious about. with his movies, if i bring up a character i like or talk about somethig i liked from the movie, then he kind of naturally responds with one of his favorite characters.
(his favorite character from the movie is this one btw:)
what did i like from the movie? uh.... it was kinda funny but not memorable. judy was kinda a bitch the whole time, i feel bad for nick. nick seemed like a side character in her life.
snek was a pretty blue color tho............... that might've been the most coherent thought i had the whole movie.
almost forgot:
i think J enjoys movies so much because they let him experience emotion without having anything expected of him, and he doesn't have to know what's going on. i saw him sigh sadly at one of the heavier parts of the movie, and kind of mimicking other emotions from it at different scenes. i think he's trying to feel how the characters feel. trying to understand.
i am Protecting My Friday from stupid recruiter calls. I swear to god, I did NOT want to get slammed with interviews this fast. I'm dying. why can't i bum it out on unemployment more.... no...............
fuck
hey gamerssss, it's:
which means it's time to make terrible, impulsive decisions with my life! lets gooooooooooooooooooo
amazing, i remembered how to do div class.
i hate job searching.... im high and can finally ignore the sweat and how disgusting i feel.
im watching vincent vincesauce play a game
it's got a gun and a flag. and pentagrams. i wish i played it on my own, but what can you do when you feel like crap?
aw no he fell insto the sky box :(
ohhhhh it's the dev and his wife....... i wonderhow long....
well, that's the end of that game: no players online. guess i'll have to play it myself if i want to see the end...
oh shit this is going to be an experience.
fucking crushing
addicted to my own death for sure
weren't we always? otherwise we'd just get it over with
this whole life is a long slog of compulsions
do I really have to update my Linkedin profile today
new england's first snow
a cry in the cold night:
"my underwear is crawling up my ass right now"
this is my apartment complex
wow these girls are drunk. they don't usually keep screaming.
Kind of fucking sucks it's already winter... I always say it every year but I wish I went outside more. I never want to exercise though, especially now. All my little indoors projects like cognitive science, revamping my bedroom, and playing Warframe with T are more interesting.
T made his first engineering drawing today. He taught himself all of this from youtube videos and playing with the program. Idk what any of it means, but the AI says it's really good. Though that thing will say anything is good. His boss wants to revamp his title to something more prestigous because she's impressed. Hopefully a paper degree will matter less if it happens.
I'm bored. Today was a boring day at home working on finding a new job. Maybe today was boring because no one likes looking for a job, or thinking about interviews. It me in a bit of a sour mood for the rest of the day. Interviewing is a pain in the ass, but not like the end of my life if i have to do it. But thinking about it also feels really gross and disgusting. Repugnant.
I wanted to more than job things today..... :/. But I got one of the hardest parts done: planning what I'll say in interviews. Next time is updating LinkedIn.
.... i need chocolate so bad, man...... i have chocolate liquer. do people drink straight chocolate liquer? why do i only ever see it as an ingredient in cocktails and not just the drink itself? i could find out........ (but im scared).
can you please bitch up and go drink chocolate liquor? and no, you can't check the internet to tell you if it's safe or not. grow a fucking pair.
...
so it's really damn thick... and it's definitely the thing i want more of when im drinking a chocotini....... ah. so in all truthfality, i can make a simple one just from chco liquor and milk, and not spend so much on the baileys and amaretto... nice.
i am such an int3eresting person... the way i calculate cost savings in the liquer budget while high.
liquor or liquer?