We went home a day early, because of threats of rain tonight, and a lack of things to do. But also I became a bit miserable yesterday. I don't think I enjoy going outdoors as much as I used to, and that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Hiking is hard; I'm not in shape. I was really disappointed in myself for that. That's probably why I'm saying I don't enjoy the outdoors as much as I used to. It's not really my mind, it's my body.

Yeah it can be fixed. How long do I have to keep fixing myself? When is it going to be over?

Is forcing myself to do things so I can do other things I enjoy worth it if happiness is fleeting?

... that's bullshit. You've done effort your entire life so you can have a happier, better one. You're not going to stop doing effort even if happiness is temporary, even if all things are temporary. It's just not in you to stop, for all the tired reasons you already know about.

But I want to. I don't want to be this.

I suppose the new exercise routine will start tomorrow. I'll do one day of exercise and another day of drawing, and flip flop back and forth like that. Then I'll be accomplished in a new thing and I can try to find meaning in natural formations I've seen a thousand times, like other people do.

Drawing is truly a new thing, so I have more hope that it will amplify my happiness. Or something.

I feel like a dumbass writing all of this. It doesn't matter. I am a train on a singular track, and the activities are an attempt to convince myself I have free will. I'm doing the exercise because I know it's the Responsible thing to do and because I know I have to be Healthy for J and blahblahblah it's always the same fucking reasons. Everything I do. I try to toss it all out and I can only give a healf-hearted attempt at it.

I don't feel free because duty and guilt trap me here.

Speaking of throwing my life away, A's been on my mind all week. I mean he kind of always is, to a certain degree. I was checking his tumblr every day before he deleted. There's always some social media profile of a shitty dude from my past that I'm checking daily. You get tired of talking about it, worrying about it, seeing it as a problem, playing over the same drama in your head again and again. I'm just looking at a dude's profile. It's a public profile. Who cares.

A's not a shitty dude, he just treated me like shit. Part of me will always like him and his personality. That's why I worry about him now and wonder why he disappeared.

I'll never know, though. I used to have similar worries about F, long after he exited my life. I think I can at least accept that I'll have these worries about A for a while, unlike with F where I felt ashamed of myself for every doting emotion I felt towards him.

I want to tell T about A's disappearance, but there's no point in doing so. I think he'd be annoyed by the whole conversation.

Found out bug spray melts certain plastics today when I found the food safety label from the back of some marshmallows on my arm. The bug spray on me rubbed off the ink. Same with a bottle of Dr.Pepper I had. If you spray the stuff directly on the label, it’ll start to melt. But not all wrappers are like this… the Hershey's bar wasn't.

So if you're ever trapped in a room via a plastic barrier, and you have some bug spray, you know what to do.

A deleted his tumblr… yesterday? So I don't really know what's going on with him anymore. I’m mad at myself for thinking about it, and feeling sad over it. I also don't really know what to say about it. I hope he's okay. Maybe things will be better now with the tumblr gone.

He has people he knows irl, so he's not alone.

Everyone at this campground is a mom with kids. There's no men, lol.

It's 102 degrees. We tried going to the lake but we did a shit job packing for a swim. all we had were towels and potato chips. Idk why ive been reluctant to invest in a beach umbrella. But if we brought that and something to do while sitting under it, it would've been nice.

But the beaches by the lakes are shit too. They're incredibly tiny. All the large ones where there's actually room to sit are private beaches or taken up by yachts. It took us an hour to find a public beach. I would've just snuck into a private one if it weren't for T.

The point of us coming up here was to see the lakes. So considering the whole area has been swallowed up by rich people and their yachts, I don't think we’ll be coming back here.

We decided if it's this hot tomorrow, we’ll leave. Because now all there's left to do is woodsy things, and it’ll be too hot for that.

You have to feel bad for the tourism industry here. The privatization of everything is driving away people from this area, so the local industry is dying.

It rained. Everything finally fucking cooled off. Idk how long it will last though.

We were real lucky that we decided to go to a restaurant tonight instead of cooking in the heat, because there were other people who just started grilling right before the downpour. And also, we travel light because we don't have kids, so packing everything up for the rain was easy.

T and I had to drive a couple of miles out of the city because the rain knocked out all the power in the nearby restaurants. I’m really bummed because we went to a place called surfside and had excellent burgers, but idk when we’ll ever be back up here… I had a pineapple burger. xD It was good :) but I love fruit so it's no surprise I’d like something like that. Meat + fruit = yes.

im going camping starting tomorrow, and i'll be out until friday. i don't really have much else to say other than that.

ah, actually, im obsessed with palworld. i plan on doing hijinks with the katana. (a really shitty sword in the game) kinda hard to get excited for the camping trip because i just wanna play palworld, but i know im being a dumbass for thinking that.

and my period came finally, so i think my mood will start improving. i was overreacting about all that shit in the last entry smh.

man, i wanted to draw today... can't find the sketchbook i was using. (yeah i have multiple, because i'd lose one and buy another) so i guess i have to start using another sketchbook unless T finds it.

i flipped on T yesterday because politics are getting to me again. i worry about state and national parks, and the new bill that's setting the ground work to put them on the market. it hits a deep spot within me. going camping and vacationing in those areas were one of the few highlights of my childhood. an eight year old girl in my head is screaming.

im so tired of running, but id get out of the country with my brother if i had to. T said he wouldn't follow me. His job makes him feel important, and because he's the only one there that knows how to do it, he's above criticism. they don't know what to criticize.

ive given up so much for him, and all he cares about is the stupid job.

i don't know what to do about it. things are great between us, as long as i don't bring this up. it's much easier to ignore this and keep living as we have.

him saying this though. i wouldn't have stuck it out with him for years if this was going to be the result of it all.

there's conflicting images in my head of him now. and also the words "i shouldve known better"

after the employee review i'll try to switch into the international tax department, if it's a good review. Baby steps towards getting out of the country in case it's needed.

I think T and I are on a clock now. Something involving J will split us one day, if not moving to another country. He can't handle it.

I should've known better. He should know himself better too.

...

im gonna go out in the living room and pretend this didn't happen. at some point i'll ask him again about this to see if he's serious. i guess i can't believe it.

i keep forgetting Juneteenth is a holiday up here. Texas doesn't take it off. I logged on asking for work today and everyone was gone lol.

I'm chilling with the birds on the couch. I could be exercising or doing something else productive, but I feel that they've been neglected a bit. (I probably spoil them.)

I learned the other day that Brewster has a lame leg. He's always fought the pigeon pants when I put them on him initially, or so it seemed. One day however, he tried perching on my hand, and I realized all of his weight was on his right foot. So it wasn't the pigeon pants at all, but his leg. He has to position himself in weird ways in order to feel comfortable.

I wonder why this isn't an issue in the cage. maybe because I use yoga mats as their bedding? idk

Here's a shotgun spread of updates:

I've been trying to find more volunteer activities but no one is getting back to me.

P and I started talking again, and he wasn't mad at me for what happened a couple of years ago. I'm thankful. The conversation between us has been good. I think we've known each other for 10 years now. We talk on and off during those years. He's met T and enjoys his company too, so I'm thinking we should all make a minecraft server together. After T and I exhaust PalWorld

Ah yeah, we've been getting into PalWorld. I'm addicted. I wish the pokemon games were like it... pokemon got trashed by its investors. turned into a cash cow with shit gameplay and graphics. There's three companies that have a a large stake in pokemon, and it's the company that's in charge of the pokemon TCG that's doing the damage. All their sales depend on more pokemon coming out as fast as possible, right?

I have a bird themed team, and my main is Chikipi. Which is a terrible idea. But you only get a first pal once.

I wish you could have a team that gets stronger as you progress through the game, instead of trading out your first pals with late game ones just to stay alive. Pals don't evolve. That's probably because of the lawsuit.

There's high hopes that PalWorld will win the lawsuit, and god I hope so.

I've started a drawing course too, because I want to get better. I drew a low polygon pear the other day. Apparently drawing low polygon objects is a good way to practice a host of things, especially low polygon fruit. I'd upload it here but I'm lazy. :p

it's been a boring week. or to put it more accurately, about as exciting as living in hell can get.

i thought the reason why im not interesting is because i dont do the 4chanz and shit like that. so i scrolled through lolcow. it's kind of like half-baked true crime. instead of something really fucked up like brainwashing 90 people to drink poison, or dismembering a person and letting their wounds fill with maggots, it's being trans and doing heroin with your dad.

every one to two years, i think the answer to my miserable veneer is....

oh maybe what im looking for is liveleak. apparently that got shut down but i found a clone.

...

well. it was different. the dead corpses kinda looked cool ngl.

people actually doing the depraved shit that goes on in my head. interesting.

i feel unchanged

netted zero from this, other than something new to draw.

maybe the dissociation is kicking in. doing it's job, wrapping me in fogged padding to shelter the brain from what im seeing. that's probably it.

i hope i didnt make that guy on reddit cry. i was just telling a joke

you can organize aesthetics by color, and numbers by account. art majors, is it really all that different?

quiet friday night. quiet day sunday. shit.

i remembered walking up the hill earlier this week, and watching a school bus pass me. the sense of relief i felt, knowing i'll never have to step on one again!

im surprised there's a world so massive, outside of that. school was your whole world. now, it's a fading memory.

and the world is going to tick on faster.

has anyone tried measuring how fast a person's perception of time is? tried giving it a standard unit of measurement? id like to know how much time i really have, because it's less than the years to your death, because of how it speeds up.

the answer is probably the uninteresting, "it's different for everyone".

im wired tonight. just don't feel like sleeping. been on edge all day. i keep thinking about work, which i shouldn't be doing, because there's nothing going on with work again. i feel like being a tryhard at work today though... im still not going into the office enough. im sure it'll come up in my employee review. it's really, really hard to want to go when there's no work to do. and ive gotten so used to not going in...

no one's yelled at me for not going in though

... god why do i feel w e i r d.

tomorrow, (maybe i shouldve just done it today, maybe i wouldnt be feeling w e i r d if i had just done it today) i get to look for companies that qualify for section 266. the fun part is that i'll get a couple hundred for every one i find. i think. maybe not, but at the very least it's something to do, it's easy, and it kisses the ass of higher ups.

can i stop feeling weird, now?

i started dipping my toe into watching porn again, but i read part of this hentai like... last week? the degradation was disturbing. haven't touched the shit since.

it disturbs me that people go home and consume content like this on the regular. and i know it's mostly men.

this stuff didn't used to bother me as much when i was younger, but im older now. ive seen enough terrible shit in my life. i don't care to fill my eyes with more of it. it'll just hurt me.

my nerves are exposed and raw. i don't care to contain them anymore.

my name is MOONPAW. im a unicorn with a blue mane, glistening emerald eyes, and turquoise hooves--signature of the sea horse bloodline. when my mom died, her soul shattered; each fragment lodging itself in the intestines of every man, woman, and child. im on a journey to kill people. in order to collect all the shards, i have to ransack the bowels of entire civilizations. one day, my mom's soul will be released from hell, and i can finally stop hearing her perpetual agonized screams in my head. this is my story.

im regurgitating stupid ideas here until something sticks
been having an itch for drawing clefairy so now that it's here i can move on
i think the only other pokemon ive drawn is charizard, half my life ago

i think more people enjoy hearing me talk to myself than talking to me and im not sure what that means

why does my head hurt, i didnt even take the bupropin yet

ive seeen the phoenix riiiiiise
out of the ashes

it would be bad to take screencaps of workplace chats (jot that down)

one day i want to update the site and gimp backflips on its layout

guuccii gucccii luilui

need stoner ppl to talk to

that guy never drunk posts anymore
that's pretty cool
...
my personality is so annoying i get men to quit drugs
so they don't associate themselves with me

bumper sticker: BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

newscaster voice: LOCAL BITCH BOPS ADDICTION HARDER THAN THE STATE MAN'S ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

twitter thing (tweet?): BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN THE STATE

real eyes
realize
real lies

(oh holyshit i can do that with the code)

have you guys ever looked at the html on this page
am i doing it right?

have you guys ever balanced a porn star's estate
am i doing it right?

am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na

hate it when i accidentally draw flower boy

i was talking to Brewster earlier: "why don't people like me? i just wanna giving pets"

the comedown always sucks

oh what album did i find?
big excitement
based on the aesthetic
ultrakill infinite hyperdeath

i wish i was attuned with my aesthetics when im sober. do you know how bleak the world is? grey wrapped in grey.
artists, imagining losing your instrument of choice
bobbing under the surface, you might graze its handle, once or twice in your life. and the rest you're drowning

don't think i like this one. or maybe it's just the wrong time for it. well. actually it's pretty weird. rave music at an empty mall.

id love a rave in an empty mall. the abandoned mannequins and strobe lights would be awesome. ... oh there's a day where im gonna become a graffiti artist.

I volunteered at Special Olympics today... google it if you don't know what it is.

Did I have a fun time? It's hard to say. I guess I feel at peace, which also feels like nothing, in a way. I don't think that's really what fun feels like. I bring this up because the staff were constantly worried about whether I was having fun or not, and I was enjoying my time, even though the work was boring to most people.

I was checking in athletes who wanted to receive free medical exams. Then entering their medical data in a database. Yeah boring stuff, but I knew what I signed up for, so I wasn't complaining. I'd rather do this than be around a bunch of people anyways, outside, in gross weather.

What really sucked about this time was half the events were cancelled due to rain. So there weren't many people participating. (Well, I guess it sucks for the organization running everything. Idc whether a lot of people show up or not.)

So yeah idk, I feel at peace. I'd like to bring a friend next time so I can have someone to talk to. I tried talking to the staff but they were all spread thin, and busy with their own tasks. Whole thing was really chaotic... no one knew where to go... kind of ridiculous there weren't any signs anywhere.

The people participating in the events were more lucid than I expected. I wonder if it's because they're all older. There were only one or two people with J's level of autism. (His isn't severe but it's almost severe, I'd guess. Level 2 or 3 autism.) Many were better off. Some I couldn't tell they had a disability.

Everyone knew everyone too. Texas's events are huge and you'll get lost. Up here, New Hampshire is so small, all the people know each other.

I wonder how my Mom is going to fare with that, considering she gets pissed off at people easily. If she gets pissed off at the NH herd, there might not be another herd. I hope she plays nice with people when she moves up here for J's sake.

And yeah, they're moving up here, at the end of the month.

Other things about the Special Olympics event, because I'm too tired to do anything else today:

The infantilization of these people has been talked about a lot in our circles before. (Our spheres of existence that probably most people think about like what... once every five years?) And it's been like, "yeah okay, I get it," so far, but today I really understand how fucking stupid it is.

There was a guy who I'd say was in his fifties, maybe older, that was one of the athletes. Other than having a weird voice, he seemed socially put together. A very caring guy, actually. (He was talking about getting one of his friends to try Special Olympics to help with her anger issues.)

He also talked about dating. He went on a date with someone and got weird looks in public for it. He, understandably, wanted to say, "What the hell are you looking at, fucko?" to the guy. One of the other guys volunteering with us started talking down to him like he was a kid, saying, "cursing is not a good idea." I don't think he meant ill by it, but watching him say that to a guy in his fifties made me realize how ridiculous we look when we do.

Guy's fifty years old with a very shitty disability trying to date. I think he's allowed to say the word "fuck". (Also note the "trying to date" part. This guy is already putting in more effort than most single men.)

So yeah one of the other staffers and I back up the guy and told him to let those fuckwits have it. And it was an eye-opening experience.

I have to try as well to not automatically fall into the baby voice when meeting these people. Or calling them kids. It's heavily ingrained in me.

Right now I'm trying to think of a situation where the baby voice is necessary... and it's not necessary, but extremely hard to avoid not doing sometimes. And it's mostly because of social fatigue on the carer's end. But we also do this to each other in our own way when we pretend to listen to each other.

I could go on about this but I'm tired.

Also so fucking annoying that I can't say neurotypical anymore because of how the term's been kidnapped by pop psychology.

I guess that thing with K happened a little over 2 years ago, now... well, I just messaged him again. :(

Just told him I hope he's well.

I signed up to volunteer tomorrow at special olympics, so I'll have that to write about. It might end up being real boring though since I'm just doing data input.

My boss is kinda crazy; the one that does my reviews. She's the type of person that probably has a bullet journal and her day completely scheduled out with like 30 min of exercise and 15 minutes of meditation... and she actually follows it.

There's a golf event at work (because of course there's a hoity-toity golf event) and she says she can't go to it because she has to be the best one there at golf there or she'll feel terrible. O-o

yeesh.....

Her and I live in two different worlds...

he posted bulge
he stole my fucking pillow

just realized you can dip any sort of cookie in milk. doesn't necessarily need to be oreo
marketing is a dangerous thing.
limits your sphere of existence
you could've had something else.... but now you can only have this thing because you didn't think about anything else

i want new friends, but they don't want me

teams chat windows are like peering out of a jail cell

whole bunch of people on the other side
but something seperates us

im gonna convert IT guy into whatever craziness i am. cant take this shit.
"you enjoy quiet men because in their silence is opportunity"
.... fucking rude....

im a toxic person

also NOT true A and O weren't quiet people

there's just that Type of guy im always drooling over

god this guy's voice is beautiful. julian casablancas

jesus christ music is crazy

i need to go to more concerts. there was the industrial concert in boston. it's actually tomorrow... i shouldve gone. i need to go to the next one...

.... hm? raves?
oh a fka twigs concert

got prescribed another antidepressant but my mood is starting to swing up so now im wondering if it was cyclothymia the whole time. meaning this new medication isn't going to do shit and i need a boost in lamotrigine.

i sit down, blink, and somehow it's five hours later. :(

i was thinking about going into the office tomorrow but the partner/owner said he wants to talk to me tomorrow. so now i want to stay at home, but because i decided i would earlier the inertia from that decision is making me mentally prepare myself to go into the office tomorrow. i feel really uncomfortable. :(

A new reel.

I feel better today, if you can't tell from me mustering the gumption to archive the prior months.

I might start drawing again to pass the time. Or maybe I should go for a walk today. Or maybe I should do something responsible like the dishes or the bird cage. Or work.

I think I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Just couldn't do anything.

It's been pretty shit.

Thank you .webp for existing.

wow guys
what a beautiful part of the day

fat bods forever <3

god i broke a fucking nail
******
yes i am eating cheese dip

i think ppl should stop hating me fr
im just doing my damn best
you know how fucked shit is?

going on and on and on and on

i throw shit here. it's not the best. it's not the greatest. but it's just here. and not near you.

oh man
mario can't side flip anymore
absolutely not cool

next political party is gonna be to the Dominatrix Freedom Party
"changin the DNC to the DFP

user called Dominatrix Martyrdom

god that's be a sick name

except when i get those DMs
actually do i really care?
...
i think i do--i think i don'--
nah i think i don']
i need a little bit of spice in my life
not often when ole granny gets one coming her way
oh to be young

"yashi"
that just makes me mad

bro i just bought this game
don't no anything about it
we just goin
home safety hotline
what if i did streaming one day?
after all, what is this, but--
nah.
mpt a good idea

where chip

oh shit i forgot i got a game.
but first,

how did she know where i live?

fuck this game. i don't want to actually think.

if i say something sexual are you gonna start crying again?

this icecream tastes like ass. all the syrup went to the bottom.

first person who's serious loses.