I figure it's time I stopped pretending that I live in a realm where tomorrow doesn't exist, and start adulting again. Somewhat.

I made a small list of plans for next year. A lot of it is trying to go out and do things on my own. I learned last night that while I like hanging around people, at this point in my life I feel the happiest when I'm out on my own. When I walked out of the board game night, I felt such a huge relief. And I don't know why, but the empty parking lot with the winterr chill and fog--I thought it was very beautiful, in a liminal way.

I think I'm happiest when I'm taking in art and beauty alone. I should try walking in urban/suburban areas at night, to try and find it.

The beauty of the woods is fun, but it's kinda cliche, isn't it?

(Fucking muscle knot in my neck this morning is going to be the death of me.)

I also spend too much time writing here. @_@ I need to maybe... tone it down. I would like to do other things with my day. I don't know, maybe there's other areas of my life I can sacrifice for time. (Though there really isn't much else. Vidya? Other than right now, I don't play that often. Gotta hang out with T. And then there's work. Ugh.) I could set a timer on how long I should spend on here. Maybe 30 min.

It's hard because this place... has a massive effect on my happiness. I'm still baffled by that.

Though I still want to add more pages, and redesign, again. I won't put a time limit on that.

Alright, time to get outta here.

Starting to feel burnt out on gaming. I'm also starting to feel depressed again, I think. I don't think the gloom from last night completely went away.

T is home from his trip. I should try to do something with him. Might help.

I woke up, showered, ate, and went to the board game event for the entire day. My mood was okay at first, but went to shit as the day wore on.

I'm horrible at talking to people. It's not really social anxiety as much as social depression. All these sad thoughts get into my head, about how I can't relate to other people, and I really, truly, don't feel like I relate to many people. Everyone knows xyz actor, has a favorite show, has a favorite anime, has a favorite video game, and all are seemingly well versed in Japanese culture. They know the ins and outs of whatever their "thing" is. Have giant collections of xyz.

I don't think I've ever been like that about anything. Nothing makes me happy enough to fixate on it forever. Best I got is bingeing something for 2 weeks and then forgetting ever detail of it 2 weeks later.

I don't know why I'm like this. Nothing makes me happy enough where the details of it stick in my memory.

I watched the movie Akira, (the first one) and it was really good; I remember enjoying it a lot. Do I remember a single thing about it? No, other than the animation was beautiful. A month after watching it for the first time, I was talking about it with T's friend. He asked me what it was about, and I had no answer.

I don't know why I can't remember anything.

I don't know why things can't make me happy like they do with other people.

I feel like my brain is too damaged to...

I've tried finding a name for this condition, but there isn't one. Nothing turns up in search results. I've tried explaining it to therapists to no avail. Ai failed. I don't know why I'm like this, but it makes it nearly impossible to get along with people and socialize like a normal person.

I used to be spiteful about it. We all had those edgelord days of shunning the mainstream shit because we're not like the others. It doesn't help. Makes you more alienated from most people. You can still find other people spiteful like yourself to hang around, but they're usually mean and fucked up in some way, from not trying to get along with other people. So I try not to live by that attitude anymore.

The people I'm hanging around--it's soyboy central, with the open mouth soyface and everything. Gets made fun of all the time in the circles of the internet I tend to gravitate towards.

But you know what? These are happy people, enjoying their lives, with stable jobs and people who love them. And they'll treat you kindly with respect and maturity. It really makes me think that we're supposed to act like fucking soyjaks over something.

I hate the soyboy meme to be completely honest. It punishes men for getting happy and excited about something. "It's just a meme brO" yeah, but there's an implicit message in it that men shouldn't feel estatic about anything, isn't there? Society's continuous message is that they shouldn't feel the extremes of any emotion in general.

In my experience I know that the more I show up to a place with the same people, socializing gets easier every time. You will eventually have that moment when people click with you or you with them. And then they'll start hoping you show up, be expecting you, happy to see you. But for people like me, it takes a long time. I guess. I think.

I like to believe anyways, that if you put in enough time, eventually things will get better. I've had this happen to me on the internet, but I don't know how this translates to real life.

In short, I'll keep showing up. I just hope no one noticed my depression while I was there.

I don't feel any better after writing this, but I know I did my best today.

my hair is greasy and I can't remember the last time I showered. but im happy

my focus during work was also good today. i finished early only because the Hydra stole the document i needed to get started on another project. I just ragedquit after that. there was only 30 min left of the day anyways.

He might be taking over that project. I did say I needed help earlier on retirement accounts, and I guess he thought taking a project off my plate would help.

I'm thankful for the weekend. I got permission to take Monday off but I might not, because estimate deadlines are coming up.

I wish I took time off in November. But what can you do.

PoE2 all weekend baybee

...

eh fuck i can't do that, im invited to the board game club this weekend. though all i want to do is play this game.

*bonks myself* no shunning social activities allowed!! @-@ you have to gooooooo for ... a fulfilling life.

I had a really productive day. Lost myself in work, and lost track of time. Day was over in a heartbeat.

Pizzaa you must arrive, faster....

Merry Christmas, Neocities!

Though this is the least festive Christmas I've ever experienced, hehe. I got presents from my parents, and I bought them Christmas chocolates, and that's about it. No decorations up or anything like that. Just too much happened this year. Though our lives improved, there was a lot of stress, between the marriage, new jobs, and A. I hope next year we can settle into our lives and breathe.

I don't feel bad about not celebrating Christmas. In fact, I prefer it this way since I'm not Christian. Even though the holiday is heavily corporatized at this point, and the evangelicals are ruining this country, (the anger toward evangelicals makes a lot of people not give a fuck about the religious elements of Christmas) I feel like Christmas is holiday that needs to be respected, and that if you're not Christian you shouldn't celebrate it. Just like with any other religion and their holidays.

My opinion is an unpopular one, except among Christians. I still don't know how to reconcile my belief with the activities most people do this year. Most people my age aren't religious but celebrate Christmas anyways. I don't know what to tell T, because he's among those people. I don't want to bum people out and say, "Actually I'm not doing anything for Christmas because I feel like the religious aspects should be respected even if I don't believe in them." I think people would get mad at me for that.

I think next year I should start with asking my parents to wait until my birthday in January to give me my gifts. Maybe I should tell everyone that.

But I guess I will get other people gifts on Christmas since they celebrate? I guess?

The worst thing I did this year was try to order takeout on Christmas. Fortunately, everything is closed, and I quickly recognized my folly as a result.

I may starve today, but at least I will be starving with all the other losers on Path of Exile 2.

Maybe I'm stupid for this, but I've been giving away rares and uniques to people in my party that look like they could use it in their build. Feels like a dick move to hold on to it if im just going to sell it to the npc later.

And there's no point trying to play the market with midgame armor. People care about the post game.

I got this real nice mage armor that I don't need tho. Forgot to give it away. I need to find another party with a mage in it.

I used to listen to Radiohead all the time in high school, and I haven't listened in a million years since then. They were (are?) my favorite band. This morning, I listened to In Rainbows on the CD player and holy fuck. It sounds amazing on those speakers; 15 step, Bodysnatchers, and Jigsaw in particular.

The album is so painful now, though. Nude, All I Need, Jigsaw, and House of Cards hurt. It felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart, when I was listening. I didn't understand most of the lyrics when I was in high school... I couldn't find the meaning in them. But now it's clear...

I guess you have to go through it to understand.

... Fuck.

It's been a long while since I encountered gamer rage, so experiencing it today was a shock to the system. I partied with this dude all day yesterday, and we were doing pretty well together. So we met up again today. We were in a tough dungeon, and I fucked up at the end. This dude got real pissed off; it came out of nowhere. We started to go through the dungeon again, but he frazzled me with his sudden outburst, so I started playing terribly, and failed again. He left the party and went silent after that.

Fucking weird.

Some people turn into complete animals in multiplayer games, and reveal sides to them that make you think they need to see a therapist.

I hope if he's a kid he outgrows it. Though he did say "operator error" so it might be a jackass in computer science. (Never met a pleasant person that majored in computer science. Don't know what it is with that.)

Guy's a fucking loser, regardless.

So I wrote that email to my father. I haven't sent it yet; I'm going to wait until after Christmas. Here it is, in all its glory. It's by far the most honest and raw thing I've ever said to my parents:

Dad,

I don’t know if J still does his shenanigans in the hot tub, but it has to stop. I don’t care if he’s up to shenanigans in private, but outside?! Do I really have to explain he could get in trouble with the law?! I know the hot tub is in our backyard, but it’s seriously not the most secluded. That ivy barrier you guys put up over the fence isn’t going to save you. And honestly, it would be better if J learned how to do shenanigans in a normal way, correct?

You have to talk to him about it, Dad. Last time we spoke about it, it sounded like you never had a conversation with him on the subject. Don’t make Mom do it. She’s been through enough, and you’re the one with a shenanigan of your own.

My advice? I wouldn’t tell him how to commit shenanigans with his hands. That could turn into a habit he can’t control, like his hair-picking thing. I’ve read stories about that from other siblings of people like J. I’d get him a fleshlight. I’m not going to explain what a fleshlight is; you have Google at your disposal. Find a long cylinder like a wooden dowel to illustrate how to use the fleshlight, and explain. Make sure he knows how to clean it too.

We’re real lucky that J is becoming more socially aware by the day, that he can work, that he has all the traits necessary for semi-independent living, and that he’s happy. He’s a miracle, honestly. All the damn work you both put into that could be blown up in a millisecond if J has an accident in public. His life would be ripped to shreds.

He needs to be given a proper outlet for his sexual urges. And it’ll probably only take one conversation. It will be a terrible time for both you and J probably, but it only has to happen once.

There are resources online about how to give this talk to an intellectually disabled person. Unfortunately a lot of it is oriented towards minors going through puberty, but it’s better than nothing:

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/intellectual-disability-and-sexuality

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8352484/

Please don’t wait until you pass J into my care to have this conversation. I will have this conversation with him if I have to, but I will regard you as a sad coward for the rest of your life for making your daughter do this.

And if J ever gets arrested for public masturbation, hand to God I will start killing people, and then I’ll kill myself.

Fucking tired of my family. Fucking tired of society's fear and obsession towards sex. Fucking tired of putting sex on a pedastal and getting offended and reactionary about it, instead of handling it maturely. Fucking tired of corporations using sex as clickbait. Fucking tired of people making sex their identity. Fucking tired of people making abstaining from sex their identity. Fucking tired of people talking about sex.

I should do something else with my day now.

I'm pretty sure Satan is going to visit me tomorrow night because I'm doing absolutely nothing for Christmas. I should've prepared the blood ritual for him. (Buy candles, acquire grimoire, crack the skull of a virgin) My unadornished house will be a disappointment to him, and my hospitality an insult.

Regardless, it's almost certain I'll strengthen my doom aura and shadow energy after tomorrow.

Nah, Christmas snuck up on me before I could plan for it, and maybe I should be visiting family but I don't care. Pissed at all of them. And they can be pissed at me.

T's leaving for his grandparents up north tomorrow so I really am going to be alone for Christmas.

There's something thrilling about being alone on Christmas, and not celebrating it. Most people would think I'm a sad, depressed freak for it. And I am a sad, depressed freak, but not over Christmas. I couldn't give any less of a shit about it. There's a power in that apathy that makes me giddy.

It'll probably happen next year though, the celebrating. I guess. If it doesn't sneak up on me again. (Ever since I left my parents at 18 I've been really bad at celebrating holidays.)

This is a Peter Rabbit illustration by Beatrix Potter. I really want to take my art in this direction. Some sort of whimsical storybook style. I should draw inspiration from Studio Ghibli as well.

It looks so challenging though. The line art is often "faded" to give a softer look, especially in the fur, but in some places, presents itself stronger like in the jacket and leaves. Peter is the most defined part of this picture. The background less so, and it gives a dreamy atmosphere as a result.

When I don't have much of anything going on, and I need to do something relaxing that doesn't require a lot of thought, I'll try tracing stuff like this. Hopefully some of this style will rub off on me as I do so, though I know it's not the optimal or fastest way of learning how to draw. I'm not trying to be a professional at it though.

Today's a relaxing morning, overall. Well, afternoon. I keep worrying about my parents my Mom judging me for not doing much for Christmas.

I haven't exercised in over a week, and my body is hating me for it.

I hate it when you're trying to exercise and suddenly you remember your very mentally ill brother is masturbating in the hot tub at your parents' house on the regular because neither of them want to talk about sex with him. They would rather let him do that out in the open air and risk public indecency charges than have a conversation with their kid about sex.

As I'm doing cardio, I'm wondering, "have I done everything to protect my brother from getting in trouble with the law for this?" And the answer is no. I'm long overdue to send my father an infuriated email about this bullshit.

I believe the best option for him is a fleshlight, because other people like him develop compulsions around masturbation sometimes with their hands. And just tell him to do it in his fucking room, like a normal fucking parent would do.

They are really fucking lucky J is somewhat socially aware, and feels shame for nudity, somewhat, and probably just needs a conversation to understand.

My parents are fucking god awful. And the email will definitely end with, "And if J ever gets arrested with charges for public indecency, I will start killing people, and then I will kill myself."

I'm bahumbugging out this Christmas. It just snuck up on me so fast. T is out celebrating Christmas with his family right now, and he told me at the last second he was celebrating this morning, so I had no time to mentally prepare.

I could go watch the Nutcracker, idk.

(The ballet, in Boston)

I love women that sound like deranged ghouls while singing. Let us be fucking free!

I created a budget for T and I, since he's getting a new job with increased pay, and I haven't made a budget in years.

We're doing reeeaaaaaaal good.

For once in our lives we can think about getting ahead on debt, and maybe start saving for a house.

... I almost fucked up this life again.

T says, "The key word is almost, but you came back."

I'm tired of having almosts. I didn't tell him about this recent almost, because I don't want to hurt him anymore.

It's only ever going to be almosts, A.

T is happy today, since I broke to him the news about how much better we're doing financially. We worked real hard for this, but we're also very lucky that our hard work paid off.

I feel sad that it almost ended again.

coming down from a high sucks. i feel lonely

Today starts a renewed effort to avoid A. Apparently he has a gf now, which is great, because it means I didn't totally ruin him with my bullshit.

And I seriously mean that. I'm a mentally ill piece of shit. I'm trash and I deserve to be disregarded. I'll never know why T stays.

I was mad at A, but I only feel guilt now.

I went online today for work. I thought the Hydra needed me for something, but now he's ghosting me, so I guess he figured it out. Doesn't bother me; I'm more than happy to not talk to the Hydra.

I also got something done for a client that I've been anxious about. So that's nice. I guess I'll ask to get Monday off since I'm working today.

boring bullshit, i know. i don't want to work today.

I'm reading this thread right now asking "What is something that's happened over the past 10 years to you personally that would've shocked you in 2014?" and people are just like, "Oh I discovered Lorde."

Like that's fucking it? You discovered Lorde? That's all that's happened? Can I have your fucking life??????

For the first time in weeks, I actually got a decent amount of work done on harder clients. I cam rest easy for the next 5 days.

eyes hurt, feel strained. weird.

i need gaems tonight

i don't know what to say today. there are things i want to say, but im hating the way my voice sounds in my head, and myself by extension.

i am home, and T is okay. im relieved, but also angry at myself.

i feel like i don't deserve a space, or a voice. i hate that i write all of this shit here.

and yet I can't seem to stop.

it feels like where A resides in my brain is just above my left eye, in a space about the size of a quarter, and that section of brain has rotted. it smells like eggs. it's green and bits and pieces of flesh are hanging on by a thread. it doesn't smell like decay because this decay is something alien and unnatural. it's noxious. i keep sticking my finger in and picking at it though. strange sensation. i do it again.

something something revisiting trauma; compulsions

i told my boss that i'd take friday off earlier this week, and i think i will actually. i should work saturday though for that one client.

i reached out to my therapist a few days back, and she reached out to me, but god i don't feel like doing an appointment. i don't want my stupid fucking life picked apart and rationalized. in other words, im tired of handling shit maturely.

i wish i could cut myself, but leave no evidence of it. i don't want people to ask questions. i just want to feel the pain of it. pain to blot out other pain. god, if it was possible to hide i would've started a long time ago.

idk why i thought about going south. i–

*blinks*

they're literally flying hundreds of drones over new jersey and telling us not to worry about it

NO

WTF MAN

WHAT

News anchors: yeah america, don't worry about it.

??????

Fucking journalists.

Back in the training and it's really boring once again.

No, I’m not going to go south to my hometown. I’d rather spend the money from a hotel room on something else. Like that neat dress I saw.

Tomorrow! Get to be home tomorrow.

I should've brought something to doodle with. Sigh…

oh i feel bad for this guy. he’s done a zillion of these lectures back to back and has lost his voice before from it.

poor fucking dude

note to self: never sign up for edu roles in the company. not sure why i would anyways tho

we’re on lunch break, and i could get a coffee, but there's the question of do i really want to be awake for this.

i keep trying to make jokes with people at this company and it’s not working. everyone's socially well adjusted and looks at me weird. they were all quarterback of the football team. everyone is seeing family for christmas.

this one guy is a huge gossip holy shiiiiit. totally obsessed with the corporate culture. fucking damn. glad he's not at my location.

… ppl really out here flexing the college they went to. and their grades, still. years later.

yuppie life. what am i doing.

I had to explain to this girl what a right angle is at my job today. I have to work with this person for the rest of my life...

i keep making terrible decisions regarding A, including telling him the town im currently in.

note that i did not say where in the town

and also i'll be gone from this town by the end of tomorrow

i don't know why i keep doing this. there's no strong emotion behind it. i feel dead, with a tinge of sadness. i feel sad every time i do this. i rotate between feeling dead and feeling sad.

it's like pressing on an old bruise

it's not an excuse

im high rn. uh. probably also why im not feeling much of anything. ah, i hate myself. im going to be in so much fear for now on. i dont want to hurt T. i hate myself. i have to stop.

im going to forget i did it.

im such a shitty person

it's picking at scabs

I feel like I’ve been hit on the side of the head with how tired I am. I really needed that lecture about inside/outside basis, but I couldn't stay awake for most of it.

Idk. I guess I’m still going to have to go over that at some point.

I’m considering staying in NJ longer, to head into South Jersey Friday and visit where I spent the first 10 years of my life.

Very very tempting.

… Please for the love of god this coffee needs to wake me up.

ngl this presentation is awful, im not learning anything, and the guy lecturing seems like he wants to do anything other than lecturing.

i can’t blame the guy.

it's really hard to want to do the exercises they provide when for some god forsaken reason they put all the tables in a word doc instead of an excel sheet.

not sure what else i was expecting from this business trip. i plan on probably crashing when i get back to the hotel… yeah. i think i will do that. i brought my laptop so i can play vidya.

i brought a few gummies too but what i really wish i had was liquor.

yeah but basically, its been a very boring trip so far

i miss not having a job. the muse finally visited me a month before starting this job, and now ive lost touch with her once again. it takes a lot of work for me to feel inspired and motivated for art, because im not used to exercising my creative muscles anymore. sadly.

this tells me i care more about art than this job. which is a feeling that's hard to sense and remember. im a tryhard workaholic that can't let things sit uncorrected if there's a problem. but it would be better for me if I put all that energy into art instead.

noooooo i keep thinking of sex again! because im falling asleep to this shit!!!! noooooo!!! ewwwwww!!! icky!

i have major fears

that

i’ll accidentally drop this phone and someone reads what i wrote here.

i would honestly rather be caught scrolling through hentai because that seems more normal than whatever this is

not that im also scrolling through hentai on top of this

hehe top

on top of this theenis

… 25 min left………….. help

there's 4 giant ass security cameras in this room. idk what ppl think is going to happen in here. or maybe there's a secret safe in the podium

ewww time value of money mention.

i cant even make a joke about the time value of money being better than sex because it's simply not true. i cant even get myself to say it deadpan to the imaginary audience that exists in my head

apparently there's twitch streams of women walking around and they make money. i couldve done that instead of this…

15 min

the problem with these lectures is they're trying to fit the entirety of the cpa exam course and then some in 20 hours. its fucking impossible to absorb it all

the company is only covering 2 hotel nights instead of 3 like i thought

people drive like ass

and the walgreens doesn't even sell beer.

i should've brought more weed. sitting in a hotel room is boring but i don't want to go out. i want to sit in my filth and sleep

when i inevitably have to do this again next year i'll 100% bring enough weed for each night and then some.

...

*looks up NJ weed laws*

oh fuck yeah they have stores here

thank christ

Torturing myself with lewd thoughts is kinda getting old.

It's weird how dedicated I am to this when sex isn't even real.

I'm updating this before the drive. There's not much of a point in leaving right now because it's rush hour traffic.

Still don't wanna go.

Proud moment of the day was a client said something over the phone last week, and I Remembered and Understood what she said and was able to convey it in an email with the Hydra. Like I might just maybe understand topics and things at my work waow.

But more importantly, I've developed a devious ploy against the IT guy.

Basically,

You can't install .exe without admin permission, and I was reminded of this when I tried installing chrome on the new work laptop. But a few minutes later, chrome installed. So I feel like he must've known that I tried installing chrome with corporate spyware because I didn't even say anything to him.

My plan is to deploy goofs and gags by changing the name on the chrome installer to stupid shit like BigfootSighting--Real--.exe and KittenWithMittensExperiencesSnowForFirstTime.exe

I need to think of other ones.

...

It's about the small things in life.

I am my own worst enemy.

The only time people were nice to me as a teenager were men sexually into me. And that's why I'm in this situation now. I still crave that sort of attention. Not even the sex itself, but the sexual tension. The psychological... I don't know what to call it.

I have to believe I can survive this. Realizing in the past year how much SAD affects me has filled me with pessimism about my ability to stay sane. I need to note and manage my mental health rather than note and wallow in it. That's easier with things like depression and anxiety because they're old friends at this point.

I need to maintain faith in myself.

I've been meaning to tell the good news about T.

Him and his friend/manager left their old job a couple of months ago because of how they were treated by upper management. The friend is Je by the way. Turns out, the company absolutely tanked after they left. They lost two giant customers and profits went to the shitter.

They became desperate to get his friend back, and gave her everything she demanded on a silver platter. High pay, benefits; the absolute works. She told them, "I need to get T back in here." So he's also getting the silver platter treatment. :) He got everything he wanted: 30/hr, the ability to choose his own hours, tuition reimbursement down the line. The best part? The old manager that was torturing them was moved to a completely different department; a dead end, shitty job in the company where they usually place people they want to quietly force out.

I will never tell T what to do about his career again lmao. This sort of treatment he's earned from his work--I should keep my damn mouth shut.

I'll try to. It's going to be hard.

We're going to Tf's today for board games. A bunch of other people will be there. I'm exhausted, but I make myself go to outings like these. I'm always going to feel exhausted, and have time to soothe that. Social events like these are rare, especially nerdy ones.

There's another blog I read on here, and I really hope she's okay. I've always wanted to talk to her, but she leave no means of communication.

I hope you're okay.

I almost didn't go to Tf's today. Almost cried going in, because I felt so depressed. I was snapping at T too for no reason. None that he knows of, anyways. I wish I could tell T what's been going on, but he's been through enough of my bullshit. I don't want him to worry about me. Walking into Tf's place, I felt the weight of every burden I carry on me.

But I had an okay time. Maybe I should've chosen an easier game to play so I could actually talk to people, instead of learning the rules of the game. I will next time. But I was genuinely interested in the game--many were surprised by that. It was about investing and running railroad companies, so it's up my alley.

I'm happier, but part of me doesn't want to get better. I want to give into my worst urges, and let my life get ruined. I want to feel a twisted and ill combination of intense pleasure and pain. I always feel like this deep down, and even though I spent years trying to figure out why I yearn for this emotional self-torture, I don't have an answer.

The happy feelings from this excursion are going to wane over the next 24 hrs and I'll be back to feeling like shit. I'm sure of it.

This week I go to New Jersey for the training. I leave Monday and return Thursday. I might ask for Thursday off... but regardless, I'm going to hate every moment of it. The last thing I want to do right now is travel.

I think A hates me and I don't blame him.

I'm embarrassed for how I acted yesterday. Sorry, readers. I don't take this shit down once it's up though. Except that special circumstance with K.

I decided not to visit relatives while I stay in New Jersey. It's all going to be strictly work, and once it's done, I'm coming straight home. I'm too tempted to arrange a meeting place with A. Yes, I'm getting back into having "conversations" with him. Mostly watching his page for cryptic messages. Sometimes, I think he leaves a cryptic message for me, vagueposting. Life advice: you'll go crazy reading into that shit. If someone can't be straight with you, they're not worth your time.

I'm usually able to follow that rule, but I'm a fucking mess.

I've been pretty bad at that with A for weeks now.

Work hasn't been helping. Everyone's chilling at work, but my anxious ass decided to get assigned estimates early. And now I have that to worry about.

I need to get through December, staying inside, doing nothing, taking on no extra work, as much as humanly possible.

Work isn't even due for like a month. Why am I stressing out?

No. No more worrying about work. I'm going to chill the fuck out, force myself to sit and eat video games. After the outing with Tf tomorrow, I'm done. I'm only going to places if I really fucking have to, unless if it's dates with T.

I'm playing Forbbiden West, and they couldn't have given me a normal way to enter this place.

...

most annoying mission of my life

my therapist:

I love my quiet mornings, where I feel well enough to relax and collect my thoughts before the day begins. This is the first one I've had all week.

I wish I could tell me Mom everything about my life, and that I can trust her. I want to, as an adult. It's easier to forgive her for her controlling attitude now, because she can't control me anymore. But I can't let down my guard, even still, after leaving the house ten years ago. I can't even tell her about the friends I've made, because she'll stalk them on social media and try to control who I'm friends with.

I guess since I'm happier, it's harder to hold resentment towards her, and I'm empathetic towards the hard life she's lived. I guess I pity her.

This happiness of mine won't last forever. I still crave the men from my past, and I crave men now, and those feelings threaten all the work I've done. I don't want to give in. I'm ashamed that I have this problem.

Oh my stupid ears. They can hear every pop and odd crackle in the CD player. Something's off, maybe the CD? I hope's it's not the speakers already. Or maybe my ears are playing tricks on me.

I'm going on a business trip next week to New Jersey, for the company's national tax trainings. It's going to be exhausting. I think I'll take the Friday off... maybe even stay for the 22nd. I'll have all my work stuff, so it won't be a problem. I can go see my relatives and possibly E, though he never answers the texts I send him. Not sure what's up with that. I think his life is just very volatile, and hard. I know he has bipolar too, worse than mine. Also CSA.

But I'll have all my work stuff on me, so there's no reason why I can't work remotely while I'm down there.

I'll have to ask T though, I'm sure he'll feel clingy and miss me. But I'm going to make a hard arguement to have him let me stay longer down there. I have to go to my bank down there anyways to change my name on my account. It's something they require for me to do in person.

God.

Its been so hard to concentrate. I'm feeling much like how I felt when I got fired. I process everything real slowly, and I get distracted too easily. I seriously need to see the therapist; I just keep forgetting to make the appointment.

• I keep having conversations with work people in my head and it distracts me from work. I spend so much time figuring out what to say to people, it takes me forever to get anything done.
• I keep thinking about A. I keep thinking about fucking A. I want him to hurt me. Negative attention is still attention, and I'm a slut.
• I keep daydreaming about sex and it distracts me from work
• There's been no sleep. This has gone on for the past 2 weeks.

i movr so slow through everything. so much processing in my brain, so much lag. looking for cheap things to cheer me up. the best thing is sex. ... i feel like writing out a dirty fantasy, but i dont think it'll help. or maybe it will.

...

no reason why i can't write one here then delete it

...

i wish i had weed but T is gone

...

I've been aching for sex all day. Yeah, I guess that's another distraction. T is gone though. Out with his coworkers celebrating his new job. I should explain that at some point...

... I'm getting distracted again.

I don't think about my kinks as much as I used to, when I watched porn. And I haven't been able to get off to the imaginings in my head lately. It hasn't been enough. It definitely feels forced, trying to go about it that way.

People irl are increasingly becoming attractive to me, even if they look average. I used to not have this problem, due to having a healthy amount of social anxiety to counteract sexual feelings towards attractive strangers. ... That's no longer the case anymore.

I feel like uncermoniously listing off my kinks, without diving too deep into any of them. There's a certain attitude I put on, a stern one, when revealing embarrassing things about myself. I do this when when I write here as well. It says, "Yeah I think xyz, what the fuck are YOU going to do about it? Fucking fight me."

So it would be cheating if I adopted that attitude towards this. I should go into a disgusting amount of detail, instead of focusing on defending myself from external judgment. I should let myself get killed for these thoughts.

I feel wet thinking about exposing myself like this. My sexuality is almost completely expressed without fanfare, with an air of detachment. Because I'm ashamed of it. After everything I've done, why wouldn't I be?

Yet here I am again.

... I'm still avoiding saying anything.

Before writing the above, I called T briefly to ask him a question. I didn't think I said anything that implied my mood, but he came home. He said I sounded depressed, and he knows this is a bad time of year for me. He read my mind...

that was the greatest dick ever. can’t even pee anymore

i know my look now. i need to get glasses to wear, like the stereotypical nerd glasses. i’ll wear flowy dresses with colorful prints, like a cacti print, with a high collar. ill have a little hat that matches the theme if the dress, like a succulent hat, that sits on the side of my head. if i want something more simple, maybe colorful bretts and bobby pins. ill keep parting my hair down the middle, with the wavy bob and side swept bangs. ill wear chunky, colorful heels. or chunky, colorful boots… i know a place that sells them. the earrings will be kept simple; the rest of the outfit will be kept simple.

i just need to figure out where to find this stuff

I hope you choose to live. You help me feel like there's a place I belong in this world. I would be sad to see you go.

The internet went down in my house, so I'm just waiting for it to come back.

I feel like the top half of my head has been filled with fluid to the point of almost exploding. Painful. It's because I was sobbing last night. Despite getting my full hours of sleep, I feel like I haven't slept at all.

I called my Mom yesterday, and she gave me a lot of praise, so I was happy at first. But it's all a lie. Part of me keeps falling for the belief that she's forgiven me for how I acted in my youth. But I know she never will; her anger always comes out eventually, yelling at me for how I acted back then, even though I've changed drastically and tried my best to prove that.

She'll never forgive me.

I can feel her resentment towards me, underneath her fake kindness and flattery. It's gotten worse after the marriage. And every conversation ends with an implied list of demands, trying to guilt me into doing what she wants. My Dad wants me to pretend that I think she loves me, so I can continue being her punching bag, and make his life easier. It doesn't feel like I have parents. I don't know who these monsters are.

I forgot to say. I forgot to repent, and I must repent because I am ashamed. I will NEVER blaspheme Tf's name again. I deserve to be ashamed. I deserve to go to hell.

I keep having conversations about work with work people in my head. Wish it would stop. I should get a life.

I’m also going in every day this week because I feel like it. Sometimes it's just easier to keep doing the same thing you've been doing than change it up mid week. Expensive as shit, though. I wish I got the week pass for the train. ;_;

Another part of it is I don't want to lug the new laptop home from Boston. Going to be a pain in the ass.

Work is really boring. Daydreaming about licking an ear.

Confession: I think about Tf’s boobs once a day ever since I went to that bar.

I fucking hate my brain. It cycles through too many damn emotions. One moment I think: “everyone loves me at my job” then “everyone hates me at my job I'm gonna cry” a few hours later. What the flying fuck is wrong with me.

My coping mechanism is becoming this journal. I leave for the bathroom, scream into this thing for a few minutes, and suddenly I'm feeling better.

Christ. I'm just surprised how much of a comfort this thing is. I seriously need a therapist appointment about my internal emotional rollercoaster though. It’s been so long since I've been in an office with office dynamics and lots of people. I'm not used to it.

“But you’ve had jobs for most of your adult life.”

Jobs where I'm physically present around 5 people max and they're all boomers.

“What about your 1st job?”

… Holy shit. The COVID lockdown actually fucked me up, socially. Everyone was remote for that job because of it.

And before then, college, a billion different faces in each class. No one I’d see repeatedly. So the last time I was in a setting like this? 10 years ago in high school.

I'm fucking screwed.

Yeah no way I went the fuck home, I'm gonna stay the fuck home, I will never leave home, I am crazy and I don’t deserve to go outside.

im tired of hearing myself think. im tired of feeling

I keep thinking about the CEO shooting, and daydreaming about doing something like that myself.

It’d probably never happen. For all of the FBI agents reading this, a lot of people probably daydream stuff like this for fun. There's probably a My Little Pony fanfic about killing Jeff Bezos, which I think the FBI should prioritize over my daydreaming, for obvious reasons.

I don't think I’d run afterwards. I’m not scared of the justice system, and I’m not scared of death. I bet that, anyways. It’s hard putting yourself in the shoes of a murderer.

But I’ve never been one to run. I take hits to the face and press on. For being too honest, usually, if getting fired a couple of years ago proves anything.

I wonder what psychologists would call this attitude.

I feel better today but the weed made me spacey. Not very good for getting work done. But I got work done.

Client’s income skyrocketed this year, which we should've accounted for back in June, but we didn't. Taxes are much higher than expected. Client is very urgent about getting the estimate done, so I have to alert the Hydra quickly so he can double check whether this guy has to make a million dollar payment to the IRS.

I hope what everyone learns from these entries is that finance is stupid and there are financial mistakes costing the economy millions and billions of dollars all the time. And stock trading isn't that sexy and cool as cryptobros make it out to be. Behind every stock sale, there's a dumpster fire of financial statements, which makes you question the real value of stocks and the economy, and whether it’s all actually real or complete bullshit. I’m betting complete bullshit.

And I seriously wonder why no one in the business industry fucking realizes this. Are we fucking stupid, or too busy gushing over our shined shoes and mahogany desks?

I will be repeatedly venting about this for the rest of my life. Because there's no chance in hell it's going to get better.

Anyways, fun office gossip time:

I guess I should give this hydra head a name because of how he behaves around me. Do we have a M?

Yes, this is unfortunately the guy I had a crush on for about a week before I realized he has no idea how to talk about anything other than work. He’s also the guy most competent and available to help me with work, so I keep talking to him about shit like that. Unfortunately. It would be best if I stayed away from him.

I was walking from the IT room because I had to pick up a new laptop, and I suddenly hear these loud, rapid footsteps coming from behind me. Then he appears at my side. Lmao. He also keeps asking me when I’m going to be in the office. Lol. God, I shouldn’t be amused by this, but I am. Because this could end real bad, considering he’s a higher up. Well, at least working in that location is optional. I can just go to the other office if he’s too annoying.

I met IT guy, when picking up that laptop. We both lamented the long days of sunlight which used to be ours.

Overall, interaction with people was brief. I kept to my work.

And now it’s nine, at night.

It's going to be a sickening long day in the cold of Boston. I have the stupid lady to call and the $300k stupidity to tell the Hydra about.

Wish me luck.

...

...

Going home today, trying to get home today, ...

I'm double checking everything, whether I'm on thr right train, whether I'm taking the right exits, whether I'm about to slam into a car or not, and afraid that I'm going to slam into a car when I merge even though I JUST looked and there's no cars around.

But what if there is a car. But what if you hallucinated the train announcement. What if you forgot how to read and you can't read road signs and so you have no idea where you're going, but you think you do.

Home, now, T ordered me pizza and is babying me. I always feel guilt when he spoils me.

I took a gummy. Probably a mistake, but idk what else can lift this headdache. Feels like my brain decided it's going to try to kill itself on its own, since the rest of me doesn't want to.

I know it's the weather. I know it's the weather. I know it's the fucking weather.

There's a lot of things on my mind today... and I keep spacing out (dissociating?). I guess I'm still depressed because Winter. I slept for 10 hrs, and it felt like I needed every minute of it.

Started today pissed at T's family again. I told the Mom I'd--hm, mother-in-law now--I told my mother-in-law that'd I'd paint ceramics with her at some point, but I really don't want to because she's fucking annoying. She's only capable of complaining about her looks and judging whether something/someone looks gross or not. Really annoying to talk to. I struggle to come up with something to say to her in response because the subject matter is so stupid and braindead.

I don't want to create family drama though, so I gotta plan for a time to do that with her in January.

My period has been going on for days. I'm sick of it. Last year I tried getting an IUD, but the doctor misplaced it and it had to be removed. My periods have been extremely prolonged ever since. I have a bad feeling part of my uterus was injured, and I need to get that checked out. ChatGPT said it could affect my fertility and increase my risk for miscarriage. And as we know, a lot more women are dying of miscarriages in this great country of ours because of the misogynists in office.

There's so much shit to do... how am I to stay on top of it all...

Head feels sad, and hurts. Not as bad as a few days ago, but yeah.

I've started playing Horizon Forbbiden West and I feel a lot better, but it makes me not want to go to work at all this week. There's a lot of new games I got during the black friday sale, and Path of Exile 2 came out as well. I just want to retire for a month and play video games, fuck.

As a teenager I used to have an account on youtube that I kept throughout high school. But I deleted it and the email associated with it because of F. This account only matters to me now because I had a giant playlist of songs I enjoyed from back then that I'll never remember the names of.

Just another part of my life that he took from me.

I'm only bringing it up now because I'm looking for CDs for people to gift me, and the recent stuff I listen to aren't on CD. (Gee wonder why.) So I'm trying to look back into what I liked as a teenager, because I listened to more mainstream stuff back then that had CDs burned for them, probably.

I'm coming up with a list of 5 of things I can remember, or that I think would be on CD:

• Radiohead - Hail to the Thief
• Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
• The Strokes - Is This It
• The Strokes - Room on Fire
• The Strokes - The New Abnormal
• Some motherfucking blanks to burn music onto.

I'm trying to click through youtube recommended stuff hoping I can navigate my way back to things I used to listen to, but don't quite remember the name of. And, nah, foolish endevour. The algorithm bends its knee to lofi and breakcore, and all things from forsakened ages are lost..

I kinda miss G, my old boss. Even though the pay was shit. G would buy the grime-busting sponge with extra fiber for a real clean.

Ah, the characters from my old job.

My head doesn't feel great, and I'm dreading this coming week because I have to commute into Boston for 3 days of it. This weekend doesn't help me relax because all I can think about is Monday.

Also I forgot my meds today and I'm feeling it.

I'm considering making a Bluesky. The ability for an average dumbass like myself to manage and create my own algorithms with ease sounds like something worth knowing how to do, in an era where everything is controlled by an algorithm.

Sounds better than Reddit anyways.

I just realized we're going to have a Friday the 13th this month. :o

why do i have to work again

my vision went blurry for a minute or two. scariest moment of my life. but gpt says it could be a mix of screen fatigue, hunger, dehydration, fatigue in general... im all of those things. head hurts. i should eat, but i don't feel like it.

the blood arrived, mood is better, kindof.

why does my body fail me. why does my head hurt like hell today

have you ever had a sinking feeling that you costed a client an extra $75k in taxes because you inputted someone's sale of their home into the wrong return?

well,

it's not a great feeling buddy.

but they can't prove it was me who did it, which is the silver lining to all of this. in fact, i can't even prove i did it. 3 different people were on that return. i just blame myself because i always blame myself for everything work related.

fuck.

maybe im paranoid. it could've been anyone, why do i blame myself? and fuck, maybe i'll be given a trophy for catching the error

it's the first snow of the season, so im not going out to the post office like i planned.

I have to email clients about estimates and I spent the first 30 minutes of the day panicking about it.

Sigh

I really don’t want to do it, but it’s a simple email. No one is going to yell at me if I try and fail.

Ugh. I have the buddy call today too. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I hate that I keep getting the buddy calls, even though she’s a nice person, and clearly interested in socializing with me. I should be grateful, but not this month.

The Hydra rolled his eyes at me a while back and hasn’t talked to me since. I hope I’m still on good terms with him. I’m nervous about that.

Speaking of which, I fucking love hydras. One of the creatures of all time.

Oh thank fuck. Bonus depreciation is going away 2027. Fuck these rich asshats. And I guess Trump can’t do anything about the NOL limitation. They can go fuck themselves.

I keep crying. Sometimes when I get anxious about something going on in my life, I find something painful in my memory to think about. To distract myself from the anxiety, I return to the deeper, more painful emotional wound I carry with me: F.

I don't know why he played with my feelings so much. I don't know why he pretended to care about me, when I was worth nothing to him.

I don't think I can say I hate A anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did, but I'm not angry at him anymore. He's just your typical dumbass manlet. F treated me like a toy, and tossed me aside when I stopped being what he wanted. A palatable girl who never questioned his behavior.

I don't want to work today, at all.

I can't, not though. I got fired from my first job because I got like this, and stopped working for several months until they found out.

Maybe I should play my game a bit. Reset my brain. Idk.

i did not do much at all today. every thought i have im second guessing, whether it's a real memory or not. i do this a lot, but im usually able to ignore it. how do you know if what you remember actually happened, if the memory no longer exists in the present, in a tangible form?

i NEED a sensitive bad boy with a mysterious past to save me. he MUST smell like sweat but in a good way. he HAS to be jacked, with pecs so large i can fall asleep on them and disappear forever. he needs to be FUNNY in a way only we'll understand. in a way that binds us forever, deep into each other's hearts. there has to be love, and pain, and bliss, and unending rain. his dick has to be a massive girthy log but not too massive. he needs to be intelligent. he needs to be pathetic. he can make me wet with words alone and cums at the right time. he has to torture me. yeah, i don't want him to be nice to me. i want him to shatter me.

world's fucking bullshit. huge emo dudes with hot eyebrow piercings and tattoos should be readily available for pick up at the nearest Target.

why is the internet FUCKING ASLEEP on GIGACHAD BUT EMO?!?!!?!?

it's because they've never fucked

no girls on the internet? no virgins irl, they're all online.

i say all this shit, but in reality? in reality, despite all claims of the contrary. the type of man that will make me weak at the knees, the type of man i can't resist

is tony soprano

I wonder how many mg of Prozac Tony Soprano is on and if we're Prozac twinnies in that sense.

My head feels like it was hit with a sledgehammer, but I’m not anxious anymore. Don’t know what that was.

Because of yesterday, I have to detox from bothering A again. It’s addictive. I see one of his posts, I send in a joke via anon, I go back to see if he responded, I see another one of his posts, I send in a joke—

Cycles like that.

T would kill me if he knew.

I’ll get my ass out of this soon enough. I hope.

I shouldn’t be writing during work, but I have today to decide whether we should go to my company’s winter outing.

Pros:

• Makes me look good to my superiors
• People get to meet T, and the wedding weirdness in people’s minds will dissipate hopefully.
• I could meet some people I’ve been talking to in person.

Cons:

• My brain has been mentally all over the place, and I don’t know what it will be like that day.
• I have to buy clothes for it.
• It’s in Boston, and I’m already going to be in Boston a shit ton for that training.
• The next two weeks are going to be busy as hell because of the Boston and New Jersey trainings.
• Tf invited me to her house that weekend for board game night.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna go.

Ate lunch, googled info about Toronto abortions, going to get my passport tomorrow.

God save us.

I'm doing continuing education readings over estate and gift taxes, and it's so boring. But I'm doing my first 706 soon so I have to prepare for it.

I've mentioned I have many bosses I could get work from, because of the way large accounting firms are structured. Instead of referring to each of them individually, all will be combined into an amalgamation called The Hydra, unless a reason arises for one head to have a singular identity.

The Hydra who gave me the 706 had a stone face when I told him I haven't worked on one before. Well, here's to hoping he hasn't judged me too hard for that.

grocery store trip. the apartment is slowly getting gross and grosser, so i felt like i had to do something useful. i feel bad for being weak.

i feel like there's something i should say, but i don't know what it is.

i wonder if my anxiety about politics is just an excuse to keep running. i've been running all my life. ive ran from my mom since i was a small child. when i turned 18, i was finally able to physically run from her. i ran from everyone i knew in high school, from my hometown, to a college far away. after graduating, i ran from texas. even when i needed to move in with parents, i still ran from mine, and opted for T's. then i ran from T's as well--the father hates me, maybe the mother does too.

i feel like i have to constantly improve, sharpen myself, keep a healthy body and mind, so i can be ready to run again. i wish i could stop. i don't know why i try so hard to keep going. even if i didn't have J, i think it's so baked into me to run that i wouldn't let myself get swallowed up. id still be doing stupid shit with lamps, and id still be writing here.

i don't do what i do for status, or to make a statement, or for attention. i do it so i can have the resources to continue running.

these last few paragraphs feel like shit. i don't know why im still writing here. there is still something that needs to be said that i don't have the words for. some sort of pain that can't be described.

it’s 7am. i didnt sleep well last night because i was visited by the gargoyle, and i woke up in the middle of the night because it’s cold.

i did exercise this morning though, because i was already awake anyways. im on track towards exercising 3 days a week like i used to.

i started feeling the anxiety again when i took my meds this morning. im thinking of not taking them tomorrow to see whether they're the problem.

i'm bathing now, as i write this. i open a google doc on my phone and copy/paste later on my laptop into virtual studio. gpt wraps the text in p tags.

i’ll try to do something at work today, but im not going into the office unless someone assigns me something. i’ll go fucking nuts with boredom.

i wish i could run errands today, but im nervous about completely abandoning my work laptop. i don't think i should do that.

i should draw more, even if i don't have an idea of what to draw. im thinking of tracing art i like, so i can learn new ways to add detail to my drawings. im not very good at details. maybe i’ll practice shading too.

sorry this entry is just a rapid fire of thoughts that don't really flow together. idk. im not trying to write my magnum opus here.

GTA V is a blatant rip off of The Sopranos.

period is in two-ish days.

gets me every fucking time

1.7 million dollar tax refund. That's the biggest fucking donger I've ever seen.

i can't believe i got assigned actual work when all i want to do is lay down and die. because of this i annoyed A alot today, but i think he can deal with it

did annoying A lessen the panic attack? no. did it make me feel better? momentarily. was it more fun than cleaning the bird cage? yes. did it help me get work done? no. am i nervous about whether im falling behind? yes. am i really falling behind? doubt it. does my stomach hurt from the smell of bird shit? yes.

Gargoyle time again. I think whatever feeling has overtaken me the past few days is starting to wane, but I'm never one to get my hopes up. I guess considering my period is on it's way, my problems aren't with my medication.

I often feel like this blog is a mere description of me balancing the humors of my mind, day in and day out.

There is great news that happened to me today other than my mental torture: My neighbor C, (I don't think I have a C yet.) I finally got to meet her. I've written about her in here back in October: I wanted to give her a little gift box of snacks. That never happened because I'd come by when she wasn't home. But finally, after slipping letters back and forth to each other under the door, we finally got to meet.

We talked for only about 10 minutes, because we're both tax accountants working from home, technically on the clock. Bizarre. I'm assuming she's a bit younger than me by about 4-5 years, because she said she just graduated college and has a position lower than mine. Holy shit though! She said we should meet up for coffee some time. I think Tf would like her too--we can have our weird little accounting girls group.

I couldn't imagine myself talking to people like this 4 years ago. I spent most of my life alone, both because of fear and disinterest. The disinterest was more insidious, and held me back longer than the fear. Why? The fear was sourced from something obvious and external: the bullying I've faced. Once my environment changed, it quickly became silly and inhibiting to me, logically, to hold on to that fear.

But the disinterest? Or is it disgust, even? I've felt a lot of disgust towards people, and I think I still do if I'm to be honest. I don't think it's a natural level of disgust though. I can't imagine a world without people feeling somewhat disgusted by each other, unfortunately. If we could go without disgust, and we should always try, but, we wouldn't be human anymore. We'd be a greater lifeform.

This is going off-topic.

I don't think I feel a natural, or healthy, level of disgust. It burns deep. If I listen to it, I end up completely alone, disgusted by everyone. No one ever being "deep" or "intellectual" enough. Which is incredibly ironic if you contrast that to my actual taste in men.

I blame part of it on whatever gives my Mom and her ancestors their signature temper. I could blame it all on her, but I'd be lying to myself about my hubris. I genuinely think I'm smarter than most people, and I feel hate and disgust towards people I don't perceive as smart, like me. Though a more accurate statement would probably be, "I feel hatred and disgust towards people not like me." For some reason my brain wants to insert the word "smart" in there. Referencing intelligence is a more civilized way of saying, "I don't like people who aren't like me," I guess. In my head.

I don't like people who aren't like me. That's a new, more honest statement than what I've been telling myself for years.

It's sadly a knee-jerk reaction I have to swallow when I meet people. It's also completely nonsensical. Ask it, "when is someone "like you" enough?" and this emotion couldn't give you an answer.

God, what a terrible time to be writing something like this. It's 10pm and I'm on 5 hours of sleep. I'm falling asleep as I write.

I've been getting better at being aware of it, I think. I don't trust my first judgments about people because they convey a more negative perception than what is really the case. Especially so with people in real life. And I think me getting better with that is why I'm slowly picking up more people to talk to.

I hope.

...

Yet I still feel incredibly cynical about people generally.

...

My thoughts are getting tied up in contradictions. This is something I should think about more at a later time.

It's another slow day. I don't even know why I dread work days because I spend half of those days doing nothing. The amount of care I can muster into looking like I'm doing something is waning.

Fine.

This morning my throat is scratchy, and it feels like I'm suffocating. Physically.

If this website hits the front page, I'm gonna delete it probably and remake. It would be too weird to have this thing front and center on the site, with all the stupid ass thoughts in here. I have a feeling I'm going to hit it at some point; it hasn't even been a year and I'm at 20k views.

Idk who reads this, but I guess some people are. I guess some bots are, too. I'm happy you enjoy it, bots and people alike.

still anxious as hell

T's anxious as hell too. I wonder what it could possibly fucking be this time.

still anxious. its been like this all day. god's punishment for existing.

i sat in front of the happy lamp earlier and it didn't do much. it seems to help for about an hour, maybe two.

T's probably getting a new job that pays a lot more, but we'll see. That's what the anxiety is over. Man they must've really fucking screwed up at his previous job if they're trying to get him back this hard.

I wish I could calm down but I'm not sure how.

One of the books I bought came in, and I was able to read a small snippet about meditation today. I guess I'll try that.

Nah I still feel fucked. All I can hope for is sleep to fix me.

The meditation book I'm reading says not to swallow your thoughts and feelings, but notice them as you rest.

I noticed my thoughts on HR benefit elections. T and I were manuvering earlier today to find the cheapest way to get health insurance for the both of us.

Underneath that, underneath the day-to-day errands and tasks that bump around in my mind, there's darker thoughts. I thought about F. It feels inevitable that one day I'll track him down. I kind of wish I could now. I want nothing more other than to kick the living shit out of him.

The voices are chiming in saying to not do that.

I get so tired of staying disciplined.

With thoughts like these, and half serious jokes about stealing pill bottles, you know it's getting bad. All I can do about it is know it's getting bad. People will try to peddle drugs and therapy sessions, but I already know this is a stupid thing that happens at this time of year, and there's no deeper meaning behind it. I can sit down and ruminate all day on F and never get an answer, and then ruminate some more, and then ruminate some more, over and over again. There's no point in thinking that hard about it. It's probably all physiological; the emotions a meaningless reaction to the physical.

God kill me if I have to change my dose again. Shouldn't I just learn to suck it up, eventually?

A lot of visions of quicksand.

There were other things that I don't remember. It's hard noticing and remembering what's crossed my mind during meditation. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be like this or not, if I'm doing it right.

The thoughts in my head are so loud and vivid sometimes, that I lose awareness of whatever else I was thinking about. Sometimes my vision gets out of focus, and my body starts moving as if I'm in the vision in my head. Sometimes the visions hurt so much that I sob.

... I still feel shit.

please i just want it to end

Retiring Fall's entries from this page makes me wonder how many words I've written in here. Fall's produced 2600 lines of html. The amount of lines I've written is the closest I'll get to an answer.

I'm getting faster switching entries around. :) Also I figured out loading="lazy" on images, so maybe that'll help with performance.

The whole reason why I retire entries is because the page starts lagging if I write continuously. If anyone doesn't know, you can find old reels on the left nativation box.

Some people on here try not to use javascript. Personally, I cannot imagine the navigation pane without javascript. The reason why I implemented it is because I wanted one place to update all my links instead of having to update every page I've ever created. There's a lot of pages. I'm bound to forget to update some of them. I'm even having trouble remembering to update the css and js files in side folders I have in the Neocities edit page.

I'm not a real coder though. Maybe they know something I don't about updating html links.

Last night was stressful, but I made some progress connecting with Tf more. I was surprised how much we have in common on our views of the afterlife. Which is to not worry about it. It'll be what it is, and we'll all figure it out eventually. I haven't met someone with a similar view as I on that. Most are convinced there's either an afterlife or nothing.

Je and T went off into their own little world talking about Je's problems. It kinda pissed me off that they didn't try to include the rest of us, especially Tf. Tf and I made the best of it though, which I appreciate.

If I didn't know T better, I'd be worried about how close him and Je are getting, even though Je's a lesbian. Idk. It's also quite rich of me to worry about with T and Je, isn't it?

It doesn't seem like I'll have to pop into Je's life and help with the kids though, considering she hasn't brought it up again.

Tf invited T and I to a board game night on the 15th, which will both be great and terrible because my mental health will probably be fucked. However, I have to go because I don't get opportunities to go out with people often. In fact, my voice hurts from last night still. We were basically shouting in the bar last night to hear each other, and also my voice isn't used to talking for extended periods of time.

Boring night, but I did spend $60 on the steam sale, and got 6 games out of it. Pretty noice. Why am I not playing them rn? I guess I'm burned out on games tonight. I'll be taking a break from the rogue-lite I've been playing.

Kinda stupid of me to buy more games when I'm burned out.

Trying to figure out what to do tonight. I took a gummy, which doesn't help, because I'm tempted to do read a book but who the fuck does that high?

Should I try to write something deep? This journal--it does not say much about my views of the world. Which hurts my mysterious, kafkaesque appeal. Do you think people are going to sit down after work, and read some lad's journal about her gym routine? Nah. Boring shit. Where's the drama?

So, very well. I will write an emotional thriller, containing my insights about the universe and the nature of existence.

...

Nah, nope. Nevermind.

"Why?"

Because I can't take this seriously enough to not start with a joke.

...

I think that about sums it up. I'm going to go look at bracelets.

"Maybe you should actually write something."

... eh. Everyone's got something to say on it, why bother throwing my hat in? There's more than enough people with an opinion out there, and they're all fucking annoying about it.

"But when's the last time you've really thought about it?"

Listen, there's so many people in the world, one of them probably has the right answer. So go ask him.

don't make an ass of you and me

spongebobfishlookingbackwards.jpg

Happy to see you too 8th grade memory. Have you ever watched that movie, actually?

"Yes, we're in the same body and everything I see is what you see. But back to my main point, maybe you should write something."

Does anyone else have the voices thing going on in their head? It's annoying. Anyways, this is a nice bracelet.

"Don't you think it's a problem that you don't really have much to say on it?"

What does it matter what I think? Things will happen the way they want to, regardless of what I think of it.

"Do you believve in destiny?"

I don't think it's possible for me to tell which of the decisions in my life were made of free will and which were fated. There's nothing free about that shackle. Don't you think, with our interconnected world, that it would be egotistical to think that there is a will that is free to exist outside of it? A self? A soul? And what does it matter, if I think there's no free will? We shoot through this spanse of time once, with no way to re-experience it, so how do we know actual choices exist out there? And you don't care about my opinion on free will.

"No I don't. We've been over this before."

Haven't found anything that calls for me the change this

"The dilemma over whether choices exist brings up the question as to what defines existence."

Ah god can you =_= can you shut the fuck up?

"Are you afraid of writing anything? Are you afraid of coming across as annoying?"

I don't really think that's it.

"May I direct you to the title of this site?"

...

"It's clearly obvious you have some sort of opinion. You have opinions on everything, you can't help thinking of them and letting them pop up in conversation whether people want them to or not. But when I ask you directly, you act as if you're beyond that."

I want to be. Opnions are useless to hold. The most popular people are the ones who change them at the drop of a hat. I just want company, I just want to feel good. I just want my base physiological needs fulfilled so waiting for death is less painful.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time

I wish I could stop trying to make sense of things. Other people don't care whether they believe in contradictions, maybe I shouldn't care either. Caring about things leads to a lonely life.

So no, you're not gonna get me to come up with another tiresome opinion on something.

"Your opinion piece on crypto, top left."

A low point in my life that does not define me.

"You've made plans to go to the DemSoc meeting in December."

Thanks for bringing that up. I'll make sure to not bother going so I don't mentally hurt myself.

"You enjoy being an opinionated cunt."

It's not good for me. Shut up.