crying this morning because of the wedding shit again. I think im just going to let my Mom win and let her plan it with T's Mom. i dont have the time or mental capacity for this shit, and even though i feel like shit i think if i can make other people feel happier i'll do it. grit my teeth and do the wedding how my mom wants. it doesn't seem like im going to get what i want for it anyways, even with me in charge of planning it.
im afraid for T, because of how much time he spends on the political subs of reddit, and how much he's been getting riled up over it. threatening to cut off his mom because she didn't vote. that's too much. she's too much of a doormat with her narcisstic husband, but she means well, and she's helped us out.
idk what to do about the political situation right now. but i suppose i should finish up my story from yesterday:
after i finished the return, i was hit wit the thought of, "im tired of Jn treating me like this, im tired of feeling anxious, and im just going to pick up the phone and talk to him because i see that he's online right now."
so i did, and i told him this:
left him stammering after saying all that.
he agreed with me though, and left me alone for the rest of the day. he said he gets like that because he's anxious about shit, and i tried relating to him by talking about G and his anxiety. (G would start stapling everything together when he was anxious, and id have to undo it. i think he just liked the sound of the stapler's punch.)
if i hadn't said all of that, i would've been doomed at this job anyways, because id be too anxious to work. then id get fired. so i had to say something.
i hope he fucks off a bit more, or I'll have to talk to HR or S.
After all of that, today I'm feeling a lot less anxious. I'm depressed, though.
so i told off Jn today. politely. in a corporate manner. i think he's going to leave me alone for now.
thank fuck
for the first time in days i can focus again
i didnt sleep well at all. i had some sort of fitful dream that i can't remember. before i knew it, it was 4am, and T was waking up. So I woke up with him.
it was hard deciding whether to work on the return he assigned me that morning, or wait until work. i felt like if i worked on it in the morning id be setting a dangerous precedent that i'll work in the mornings outside the 9 to 5.
i felt like i already lost this battle though, so i ended up doing it. took 2 hours to finish up. i hoped that since i finished it, he wouldn't bother me for the rest of the day.
(im falling asleep as i write this, im so tired....)
Something came over me/ I don't know if I had just lost it, or ... can't stay awake////
it's way too easy to make ppl mad with a shitty mspaint edit of Trump's face, imma keep doing it lol.
lemme just take a peek. Just a fuck ing peeek. one
eeeek
****************POST NUNT CLARITY****************
one time i used to give a shit. remember that ladies, when we used to give a shit? i remember. i was young. i was in my late twenties. coming hot off the ass of the cpa exam. you can feel the warmth still, on the print of the license.
here i was thinking shit would be over. all the stupid anxiety and bullshit would be over. "oh, yanno, lower paying jobs treated me like ass some times, but that wouldn't happen in a higher paying one. ppl wouldn't work for it."
that mustve meant i had a higher view of people in skyscrapers, believing that. yeah, the cheap dickwads would only be at cruddier companies. they wouldn't make it among the polite company of the skycrapers.
jeez, how the fuck wrong i was!
how the fuck wrong i was!
....
wish i knew i had a hidden bias favoring skyscrapers. wish someone had taken the log out of my eye.
this is why I got fired in 2020. This is it! I did not have the confidence nor the rotten temperment to put this into words in 2020. not even in my own head. thought i was wrong for feeling this way. thought i was wrong for feeling angry for any reason. could not fucking say this.
i ba-doinked. out of existence. the crushing reality of the accounting industry. fell on my face in 2020. back then it was the standard awful practices that go on financially. now it's the people.
and i left public accounting, the first time. Yeah, i left public accounting. mentally i had already quit half way through my 2020 term, and then they fired the husk i left behind.
and u leave, and u feel like shit for leaving. because you think it's something you can't go back to. they lit your husk on fire.
it's really hard being a soft fleshy thing with no shell because you had to leave it at your previous job. it's more like a lizard losing its tail, because u cant imagine how things could get worse, and then suddenly god's anus appears and you have to sacrifice your tail to esacpe.
you grow a new tail. this tail has another head. so you look like catdog, except you're lizard-lizard. years, pass, things, blur. you dug a grave for feelings and mental apparitions that should've surfaced long ago, and time filled it in.
one day, other than wondering why your tail has a head, you get a new job. no real recent tail or job related injuries. life seems pretty good.
and then,
you hear a scream,
from your ass,
WATCH THE FUCK OUT IT'S YOUR HUSBAND'S DAD
people must've loved you because they let you believe you had it wrong the first time.
and let you forget about it for a while and believe in it again.
(they dont know themselves, they dont want ot believe it themselves)
you have to find a new center
i figured out Jn. that's the real reason why i opened this up in the first place tonight.
he wants things done fast, and he wants them done wrong. he'd rather receive the excel wrong than receive it slowly. ur used to prioritizing accuracy rather than speed. he can't communicate this directly because everything in this fucking place is an act. you have to read between the lines
here's what you do:
1. you don't tell him when you're working on anything. or else he's gonna call ya and say some stupid shit like, "hey, are you working?" when you're working.
2. you do things fast and wrong.
this way, you minimize as much conversation as possible, because you're not asking him for help. and it also guarrantees than when he does want to talk to you, it'll be a discussion of substance instead of one nursing his anxiety.
aaaaaahhhhh.... man. damn, should've realized this sooner. im fucked for this week.
T: "you gotta stop playing that game all the time"
but i just fixed my build......... it does dmg now...........
:(
(he's right)
today was shit again
I'm never escaping this guy.
From last night:
I don’t think my medication is working anymore. And I also think I hate my job. I miss my old coworkers.
I’ve been ruminating about the people at work all day, and I hate it.
I’m tired of trying to fix myself. But I know I can change my diet, and maybe it’ll make me feel less tired and depressed. Carbs make me real tired.
And I’m tired of changing my medication all the time. It feels inevitable that one day I’ll collapse completely, and I always feel silly kicking the can down the road.
My thoughts keep going to F.
Struggling with a wave of sadness. Sorry if I come across disjointed.
I’m scrolling through Reddit too much. More susceptible to every addiction.
i feel bad today. i keep feeling bad. i feel alone. there's only one person who cares about my existence.
i feel a blackness from other people.
weighing down my arms
in silver form
i don't wanna sleep again. im hoping i can figure out the root of my depression by staying up all night thinking about it.
(you can't)
i was hoping id be better when i came back to this, but im not
you never really are done with getting better. you'll always be criticizing yourself for something.
don't make me work tomorrow. i hate everyone there.
Man, I feel bad for T. He's having to do mechanical engineering homework all day today. I gave him this giant binder that comes with little folders that he can put his notes in. I was going to use it, until I switched my notes to digital.
Brewster is pruning aggressively. It doesn't seem normal, and he keeps picking at the feathers he discards. I hope he's not sick or stressed; birds start pulling feathers out if they're stressed. Maybe he's molting? Maybe he ate something he's allergic to and is really itchy? I don't know.
...
Alright I think he's just molting. Two feathers came out on their own while I was petting him. Birds shed a bunch of feathers all at once when they molt, and it has to do with changing seasons. It's natural.
My PoE2 obsession is starting to wane. I guess I'm just bored of my skillset. Maybe I should try a new character, but there's better things I could be doing with my life rn. It was a nice break, and needed. Anything to distract from depression when it gets bad.
I gotta get back into exercising, for one thing. If I start exercising again, I'll feel more energized to do things throughout the day.
T woke me up this morning, and he tells me they're trying to pass Texas's abortion ban up here. There's legislation posed by our state representatives to enact it, and a judge hearing on it all in a few days. There's am actualy petition you can sign on the government website, so I signed it.
I'm not writing this because of the proposed abortion ban. It's just that he seemed so upset by it.
He's threatening to cut off his family because of his Dad. His Dad is a right wing nutjob, drinking the koolaid with all the shitty identity politics. Never stopped watching the feminist cringe videos and the like. Obsessed with fluoride being in the water. A lot of absolutely batshit claims and paranoia.
This morning he wrote him a long email--because his Dad likes emailing him Republican propaganda a lot--saying he needs to apologize for voting like this for years or he's getting cut off.
I don't know. I feel sad. I hope he's not making a mistake, but I'm not getting in the way of his decision. But he included his Mom in it for not voting. I brought that up to him, "You're cutting off your Mom because she didn't vote blue?" He went back on that.
I don't hold malice towards people who didn't vote, or voted third party. I learned the other day that the largest investor in weapons manufacturing backs the Democrats. They're all slimy as shit as far as I'm concerned. P told me a while back, "If you vote for the democrats, it's just delaying the inevitable. They're not going to stop what's happening." And I believe him on that.
Well, I guess the wedding ceremony isn't going to happen. It'll literally just be six people on my side of the family if it does happen.
Ruined. I would've like a normal celebration of a milestone in my life for once. My Mom's controlling behavior ruined every single one. Graduation, prom, award ceremonies, etc... I almost got it this time. Almost had a celebration about a typical milestone in my life actually for me, and about me.
I could've made a lot of money with the IRS, a lot more than right now, but I guess I would've been laid off soon after.
This is going to make the IRS more impossible to get in contact with, and make my job harder.
God, this is hell.
Really depressed today. i just wanna lay paralyzed in bed all day. there's nothing to do again at work, so i could. idk. fuck, it's so hard to think about anything. all i can do is feel the sadness embedding itself in every wrinkle on my brain
*becomes harder to handle and aggressively unhinged out of spite*
i just heard a woman screaming and the roar of an engine zooming by. it did not sound good.
two hydra heads i will give names: S and Jn. S is the partner, Jn is the arrogant douchebag above me.
... Oh thank fuck, I heard the woman again. I think she's okay, and not getting kidnapped. It was two coincidental sounds that don't go great together.
Already in a shitty mood, I had to talk to Jn today, and put up with him treating me like a goddamn intern. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman, or if it's because I look like a twenty something.
"Hey can you do this return for me, but don't put any critical thought into it because I'm convinced whatever your thoughts are on the return will be a waste of everyone's time? Even though I have no proof of this because I just hired you and this is the first return I'm giving you. Thanks."
He basically said that to me in corporate speak.
Am I about to discover the glass ceiling?
I have faith that it's just this one asshole and not a company thing. And if I get in good with S then this dipshit isn't going to matter.
i think ive been crying about F for the past hour. it’s weird having to force myself to think about him to avoid hurting myself. if im paralyzed, sobbing in bed, i cant hurt myself. i cant move
can't hurt myself any more than im already hurting
it's a giant steel ball that shines, in a garden, warping the ground beneath it. the garden is large and feels small, and the ball is small but feels large. you can't stop staring at it. the more you look it, the more the flowers mix together, they lose their shape. but the ball keeps its structure, unchanging, while the world breaks down.
AI is getting good at animations. Look at this
I feel bad for every artist in existence.
ruminating about Jn, and i can't help it. i wish the exercising got him off my head, but it didn't. every second thinking about him is a waste.
A while back, I said I created a giant playlist on youtube of all the songs I liked in high school. It was something I updated for years.
I believe because I was trying to get F out of my thoughts, I wanted to delete the gmail account I used to email him with, which was connected to that playlist. I remember struggling all day to get the list exported out of youtube--they don't make it easy--but I managed. I saved the file in my important documents file, and forgot about it.
But I looked a year ago for it, and it was gone!
I thought I'd lost my list forever, and that I'd never be able to go back and see what I listened to in high school. But today I was browsing through T's computer, and holy shit, I was smart enough to make a back up of my important documents file! And there it was.
Fuck yeah man!
I gotta go through it later. I'm going into the office today, unfortunately. It's gonna take up all my time. Also, I slept like shit last night.
Thought Reel Nation,
what do I order out tonight?
i want cheese soooooooooooo bad....
(i ordered cheese)
T started community college in mechanical engineering. I'm happy for him. :) It's been overdue for him to go back to college for something that interests him. But he sure is scary doing trigonometry homework... fuck...
though im also feeling shit tonight. i feel like anything could make me cry at any moment.
it's probably because i talked to my mom today. even when nothing happens, i just feel sad afterwards. i feel bad for her. other times i feel bad for me. i just end up feeling bad no matter what.
she sounded strange today as well. like she was high or something, though she wasn't, i think. i don't think my mom does drugs. though she's probably tempted. like me.
now im ok again @_@ (idk whats going on with my mind rn hehe
but this is the shittiest enchilada ive ever had. not only do u get my order of chicken enchiladas wrong, but u manage to fuck up a cheese enchilada. bro
it's cheese in a tortilla
this cheese must be prison cheese btw. it does not taste like cheese. it tastes like nothing and sticks to the roof of ur mouth. its like ur eating white mystery paste. glue? but not quite
boobster sat on my monitor just now dawwww
So the fun thing about large accounting firms is no one says what they mean. It's a lot of, "I'm supposed to say this to you because I'm worried about looking responsible and busy, but I actually don't care/want you to fuck off."
Yesterday I spent a lot of time inputting a tax return another CPA did into our software. The Hydra said he wanted the software's version to be exactly like the prior CPA's. So I went over the budgeted time, but I did it. Then he tells me, "Ah you didn't have to worry about the statements, I didn't want it that exact."
=_=
If anyone gives me shit for going over the budget, that's what I'm going to tell them.
But no one's gonna give a shit. (Because secretly, no one gives a fuck here except the people at the very top.)
I guess this is just what corporate culture at a large company is like. I'm going to have to get used to it, and lower my standards for my work, for certain.
it's depressing that the psychological aspects of this illness have bee memed to hell and misused, so now i look like a dumbass for saying the word trigger. even though that's what it is, and best describes it.
i shouldn't, but i feel insecure over it.
it's been about 2 weeks though since ive done anything involving A, including the checking. it gets easier by the day, but i have to watch out for stressors that start making me think about him. which could be anything anxiety inducing. it doesn't have to be related or make sense at all.
i can't get oral surgery every time it ramps up, but maybe an emergency therapy session will help when it does. that seemed to work this time around.
i don't wanna work, but now it's time to do a partnership return for the first time in half a year. im so sleepy.
mad that i can't play my addiction tonight because T is playing his game.
i need room for my gaming pc
and i need to suck it up
no i have to go to bed now...
i got to play a bit. the good news is that i think ive found my sweet spot with t9 maps, which means my build isn't as bad as i thought. but it still needs help.
im a toxic growth pathfinder. i keep getting one shot by heavy attacks, so i was thinking of building either life or energy shield. and im going with energy shield because the intelligence stuff from that can also help me branch into more socercy oriented skills and attacks. which would give me more flexibility in what i can do with my build.
but idk, does int really matter for energy shield? i don't think it actually does.... helps with mana, but....
idk. i didnt think elon would be heiling hitler today
corporate interests have been controlling the government for years, but now they're open about it because they know we're just that powerless to them now
but you know what's the real problem in our society?
women and trans people
not even going to bother elongating that rant. we've been saying the same shit for years. at this point it's not about people not being informed, but not wanting to be informed. deciding to ignore what's being said to them.
fucking stupid
lol
no, the thoughts have been better. i just love laughing at myself
whaabouttdat tiktok ban, huh?
might have to take a week of sick leave because of it
...
that would be so fucking funny to say to my bosses at work
maybe i will
well. i think Trump's in tomorrow. i hope they just fight over tiktok for the next 4 years instead of implementing something actually awful. that'd be great.
pipe dream
Pulling the plug could be the ultimate anti-drug
But I'm addicted to this life
There goes my shirt
There goes my plan
There goes my name
Because I wrote it in the sand
I'm obsessed with this grain of salt
I'm fixated on a grain of sand
I'm yearning for a speck of sugar
I guess I'll take what I can
Find romance in the trash
Something that lasts
Lasts
So much happened today.......... I kinda just want to curl up in a ball and tell everyone to fuck off.
I guess I'm really lucky that I have meds that work, otherwise I don't know how I'd do this job.
... Do I really want to go into it?
...
Today is both excruiating and thrilling.
The guy who hired me is a complete dick. I had the feeling for a while that maybe he was a dick, but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe there's just some sort of communication disconnect between us. But no, he's a jackass.
I had a question today for him, and I try to save the harder questions for him, because I know he's busy. I try going to other staff if it's a stupid question. This question was about the partner of the company and a client, which isn't something other people can answer. Because most people are new, and don't know the partner well, while he's been there for years. And also, other staff at my level don't know much about talking to clients--because it's technically not our job.
So I ask him this question, "The partner is busy all the time. And clients appear in my inbox asking for answers to their tax questions. I feel bad for them. I assume there's nothing I can do about it though, since the partner has to be the final say on what they're supposed to pay the government, right?"
He tells me, "Yeah your the person that gives the final say."
Well that would've been fucking great to know when I finished this dude's work three weeks ago, so I could've told him back then.
Then he adds, "By the way, you ask me too many questions. You should really branch out to other people in the company. Why don't you go to your coach?"
"My coach's status always appears Away, so I don't bother going to him for questions. I ask people who's status is Online."
He giggles like a little shit to himself, "He's there, hehe... man, maybe I should permanently put my status to Away."
?????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, so. You're going to tell me I'm annoying with questions. I tell you my coach's status is always yellow, and because of that, I keep going to you for questions. And you think I'm still an annoying shit after that?!
I'm sorry I didn't have insider knowledge that the Away status is the Online status for this dude?! Which, tell me, why the FUCK is he allowed to have his status like that.
Also I think I've asked you something like four questions since the beginning of December.
Oh fuck I just remembered, I even offered you help on a task you're the RP on, saying I can take it completely off your shoulders, so you don't have to do it. And you act like a bitch over asking you a fucking question?
God.
I'm fucking seething.
...
But today, was the day, that I was the final say on a client's taxes. I told him he needs to pay six grand to Virginia. And he was fine with it.
I like to think the partner feels like he can trust me with giving clients tax advice, and not that he's desperate. I don't know which one he feels. But at the very least, since I have experience with this under my belt now, I can leave this job by next September and almost certainly find something that pays more, with a better title to go with it.
I'm trying to be optimistic about this, because it is a good thing that happened, and not let my mood get ruined by bitch baby.
Today was fucking stupid.
If bitch baby ever asks me if I'm free for work I'm going to set my status to Away.
a shitty heirloom of fear
it isfear.
it's god's massive fuckshow
we fear each other. we fear each other and want rules to follow that will predict when the other gender is going to hurt us. but the fucking fact is you'll never know when you're going to get hurt. the devil would never make the chance of suffering so predictable. no, that'd be too easy, wouldn't it?
Thank you F for putting up with my ass.
need some sort of stupid shit to live
okay?
man, those nitrious oxide canisters at the doc's were great.
somewhere between, "people are fucking terrifying, i know," and "people are fucking terrifying, get over it."
So the Engagement Training is a technical nightmare today lol
Rip my ass sitting in the intern training. I just need to know how to use the software, not learn what an income statement is.
birthday time
im twenty nine
i hope to god i age like wine.
crow's feet grow in the corners of my eyes
the lines set deeper like the road i walk through life
a bit late to kissing teenage dreams goodbye
but i know not to wage war with fate and time
i don't want to sleep. because i don't want to work tomorrow. i was bored all day, and so i was horny all day as well. it was tempting to quietly dip out of the training to go shag T in the living room. and i probably could've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for my insufferable need to.. be as straight-laced and cringe as i am.
i just want to play poe2. im ADDICTED. i just fixed my build so im melting. ive horded a bunch of high level juicy maps to run. but i have to fucking work tomorrow. and T will probably want the computer that night, i can imagine.
(but i need to find some people to party with, tbh. idd rather not trust randos on juiced maps. god. wish i had gaming buddies to this day. i'll probably be saying that forever)
It's a simple song, but I started crying when I heard it. It reminded me of O and I back in high school, when we still loved each other.
I haven't said much about O, since it was so long ago. It feels like a different life, a different person, was dating him back then. One of my fondest memories of us together was shortly before I went off to college. We were in a park near my house at night, and lit a paper lanturn together, as a romantic gesture since I was going to college soon. And that was romantic, but the real memorable part was when I started running barefoot in the park. I got a thorn stuck on the bottom of my foot, and had to limp my way back to him. We both sat on a large boulder.
"After I count down from three, I'm going to pull the thorn out of your foot. Are you ready?"
"Um... no..."
"You'll be fine. I'm going to start counting."
I scrunched up my face.
"Three, two--"
YANK
My face warped into a silent scream. He pulled on two.
And I wanted to kill him, at the moment. But now it's one of my dearest memories.
I don't kow why people I hold closest to me always leave. The only one who stayed is T.
I don't know why I'm always thrown away.
I think, second to actually being able to love him now, that is why I've always stuck with T. I've been discarded so many times when I had no one else. I can't do that to T, when he's treated me so wonderfully. Even when times were terrible, even when it was painful, and I wanted nothing more to do than fuck off and act irresponsible.
It's been a long while since I sobbed like that. I think I forgot to take my prozac today... that might be why.
Something's weird about today. I had strange tech issues, weird screens that'd pop up and disappear. One issue was a login gaslighting me about an incorrect password. I swear to god. 20 minutes later it lets me in witht the one I usually use.
The crying from earlier. That dream from yesterday is still on my mind. Horrible nightmare, but once it's over, you want it back.
There's gotta be a word for something you want that you know is wrong to want.
No, I think I'm just on edge because work was stressful. And I just watched some horror video game playthroughs, and I'm on edge. One game got me twice, I'm embarrassed to say.
I just want to play PoE2, but I'm exhausted. Fuck.
did have time for much of anything today other than work. i got a bit of PoE2 in, but my thoughts throughout today mostly consisted of my job and tooth pain. i could talk about it all, but... it's so fucking boring. and im tired.
i guess i'll tell you about the nightmare i had last night:
I don't remember... (it's impossible to to get comfortable when you're trying to balance a heat pack on your shoulder for your tooth) I don't remember all of it. It felt like I had a zillion seperate, short dreams that all ended horribly, and I'd find myself in a new one all over again, some how.
I started retaining memory of my dreams with the one where I was riding this bus. I don't think I had pants or underwear on, just a thin t-shirt. There was a naked woman in front of me, two naked women? She might've had a vagina, but she also might've had a face where her vagina was, and it was its own seperate entity. I think it was somehow simultaneously a vagina, a face, and a second person. TThere was a man behind me--I never saw his face--restraining me in a one armed choke hold, playing with my clit with other hand, as I tried to comprehend the creature getting off in front of me.
I was in a room, with another woman banging on a large wooden door. The room was dimly lit blood red room, musty, with no furniture. She asked me what was happening and I said something along the lines of, "I don't know man, I just keep showing up in random places. I've stopped trying to figure out the plot." That's when I realized I was dreaming. This girl was really urging me to go to the mall, but I told her, "no we have to get out of here, and I know I can get out of here, because this is my dream and I can control it."
There was a very tiny door, about the size of an index card. More like a rectangular hole in the wall with a light beaming through. I reached into the opening with my hands, and pulled at the sides with great force. Slowly, the hole was becoming bigger--and fleshier. After great exertion, I got it to about the size of an air vent. However, it had turned into a large, toothless mouth. I felt a small shiver of disgust at the thought that I'll have to crawl through this, but it quickly numbed itself. I don't remember how it was crawling through the mouth, but I do remember the thick layers of saliva that weighed me down when I was out.
There's more to all of this but it's getting late, and I'm drifting to sleep. I did end up in the mall naked, and I spent quite a bit of time getting harrassed by pupil-less, deranged women, and managers looking for someone to fill their minimum wage job opening. Every dress I picked out to wear turned into an uglier dress that fell apart on itself. And it all ended with getting shot at for escaping the mall, aand screaming for T until I woke myself up with my own shouting.
I keep having nudity dreams in public spaces. I wonder what that means...
herro errybody
teeth still hurt but it slowly gets better every day. very, very slowly. major accomplishment: it doesn't take me an entire hour to eat half the stew tyler made.
im feeling pretty good today. more alert, more like my usual self. i'm getting shit done at work. it's a good time. i hope this means i can return to creative endeavors and other hobbies soon.
i went down a big rabbit hole last night with chatgpt about the scientific properties of light. the scientific study of light is called optics. i actually thrifted a beginner's book on it because i found it so interesting. who knows; maybe i'll get real into it.
post surgery care is absolutely exhausting. it's way worse than the actual surgery itself.
today's the first time in several days ive taken my antidepressant. i think im done with the gigachad painkillers they gave me. now i need to find a buyer for what's left...
jk, but i do wonder though how much my supply is worth on the market.
one whole day of not checking profiles of any sort. yes, after two days ago we're back at square one again.
it's hard to describe how i feel right now. i don't feel like a person.
it's depressing how much i need my antidepressants. i feel a thousand times better now. the tooth just feels like a small cut.
it doesn't matter what the haters think though. it's been a long while since ive been in a room and felt afraid of anyone on even the slightest level. if anything it seems like people fear me more than i fear them. especially people my age and younger. though maybe the millenials as well.
im so bored tonight because T has the computer. but it is well deserved and fair because he took great care of me this weekend. he made a lot of food that was easy for me to eat: soups and stews. the beef stew you'd think would be hard enough to eat, but his culinary knowledge taught him that eye round steak can be cooked to a point of tenderness that will fall apart in your mouth. so i was able to eat protein, finally.
i hope i feel better this week for work. i didn't do much at all last week. though there never seems to be much to do, is there... i have to go ask for work all the time.
scary what people think in private when no one's watching. what do i think about in private?
T's beef stew
and illicit sexual acts
that's basically this entire blog. it's a pretty boring existence
ive read the entries of many blogs, diaries, journals, etc. on here. it seems everyone has that one thing they fixate on. these fixations vary wildly, but everyone's got one. most are unaware of how often the fixation appears in their writing. but some embrace it, and use it as their light in the dark. that's kinda rare though. then there's people like me who know our fixations and feel disgusted by them.
i wonder how we choose them. while the resulting fixation, the fixation we choose, varies greatly from person to person, is there a pattern in how we choose these fixations?
maybe there is... there's probably a book about it. but nothing definitive. psychology is a lot of "sometimes" and "possibly"s.
cmon self, there's gotta be something else you can do today. look for art inspo, maybe?
why didnt i just,,, start making furry chibis a long time ago. what have i been doing this whole time? holy shit, almost wasted a life
like who the fuck cares if i don't know how to draw michawlangelo. i just don't have the time. and really--i just want to draw my stupid shit at the end of the day without trying to be an "expert in it"
the need to be an expert at everything is its own prison. to necessity to achieve perfection at a craft inhibits your freedom
thoughts going fast:
i don't really know if kicking that guy today was right. maybe i ruined a good time getting insulted for the other dude in the party. i was just trying to protect our brains from the toxicity of the internet, but maybe he enjoys getting shat on in his free time in a video game. honestly, that shitty dude was the most memorable thing today about path of exile. maybe im the fuckwad.
perfection used to be more critical in times past. to need to hone a kill perfectly, because the world used to be more dangerous. but now the world isn't as dangerous as, say, the time before modern medicine. our modern world doesn't require that perfection anymore because we're no longer fighting against the brink of death. that why people are allowing themselves laziness.letting themselves spend time on shit art instead of forcing themselves to master it.
birds kissing
poor Brewster just wants to be mounted but peeko is oblivious
dude's a switch!
how did we manage for so long to go about thinking sex was only to be performed in a certain way when the animals around us are experimenting?
is clear a color?
what does clear water look like to the mantis shrimp?
is it always invisible, showing the color of the object behind it instead?
im very sleepy. don't know what time it is. the pain is miserable.
the pain is somehow better than this morning by a long shot. i don't know if it was the heat pads to the face that helped, or the salt water rinse.
big pharma made me wait to start the aftercare because they wanted to make me feel an ungodly amount of pain, and get hooked on oxycotin.
well i have news for you: getting high for surgical reasons isn't fun at all, and impossible to get hooked on as a result. the best part was the laughing gas, but even then, you're trying to enjoy the high but these people keep prodding you with various instruments and it becomes annoying. and as for the rest of the stuff, i didn't really get a high. maybe the oxy a bit idk.
laughing gas is fine though, id opt for that route again over anestesia.
i hope the healing is going okay. it aches, and stometimes stings--the right side of my face. for some reason removing the bottom right wisdom tooth is giving me more hell than the top left one. I got both of them done but only the right side hurts.
my brain is confused as to what happened to my mouth, and i haven't been able to close my mouth all the way because of that. where i expect to feel tooth when i bite, i feel gum, which is a very strange mouth feeling. i keep thinking im biting my cheek but i don't think i am.
im pretty confused. the animalistic side of my brain is wondering wtf happened to my mouth and where all my teeth went, even when im holding the extracted wisdom tooth in my hand.
other than putting up with the pain, i played PoE2 all day. I'm getting tired of that though, I should try to find something else to do with my time... T made a lot of soup. I'm excited for the beef stew he made, once i can chew better. :)
sleepy
special fun excitement time at the surgeon getting my teeth removed im so excited fuck. [im not excited]
It's another day I don't wanna work. I've figured out why I'm so tired all the time -- it's because of all the damn carbs I've been eating. I completely forgot carbs bother me like that since I spiraled in December.
Work is picking up though. Tax season is soon, and right now I'm creating W-2s and 1099s.
It's been a while since I've looked at A's profile at all, and I wanna keep it that way.
I need to watch how much PoE2 I play because I'm starting to get gaemer rage over it. Which is embarrassing. I decided to take a break from it today.
Just wanted to enter something here in case I forget to later today.
Ah, also: wisdom teeth are getting pulled tomorrow and I'm gonna be drugged up on Valium. I plan to hand off my electronics to T so shenanigans don't occur.
Later
Why do I want to know what's on A's tumblr so bad... I know it's going to be one of these things:
maybe i should make a page of A impressions so i can pretend im looking at his tumblr when im not
"hey, this guy is an actual shithead according to that list"
i know.
i know.
brings me great joy to see a 30-40 year old that looks like he was a fuckboi in college end up here at this company in tax hell. it's just funny af.
It's been a while since I've looked at A's profile at all, and I wanna keep it that way.
Caved.
im tired today. i feel tired every day. and i cant concentrate. i just wanna meme in the accounting subreddit and make stupid little jokes mkay?
i already did all the necessary client stuff today, so im just waiting for someone to tell me something to do. again. really i should be organizing my notes, but eh...
ok i'll start organizing. ish
My point is, T, that we don't know how many boners you can pop in a day over sexually attractive people before you're considered an abnormal man. No one knows that. We can't take all the men on earth and find the average amount of boners in a day. You say you do this over 0 strangers, only for the wife, and normal men are also like this. That's what our society considers ideal as well. But maybe the average is seven, and you're the abnormal one.
Many people feel sexual feelings when they don't want to. Many people pop boners when they don't want to. In general, sometimes we feel emotions when we don't want to.
You're not defined by your emotions. You're not defined by the amount of boners you pop in a day, or what you get boners over. Your actions define who you are.
Using sexual feelings as a gauge to measure how good of a person you are is an incredible injustice to yourself. Sexual feelings are thoughtless. Physical reactions to attractive stimuli are thoughtless. There's no skill! No effort! No higher purpose or intellect. (There are many accounts and my personal experience as well, that the intellectually disabled, even the most severe cases, can experience sexual feelings and boners.) Aspire to define your self worth by something greater than obsessing over your own emotions and physical reactions.
What harms people the most, in general, is that they aspire to be so little.
I'm not perfect in this either. Look at most of my entries in here. I obsess over measuring the moral goodness of my sexual feelings. I spend time self-flagellating when I consider them evil. Imagine what I could be doing with my life instead. I could work to become a talented artist, become well-learned in philosophy, volunteer for a good cause. All goals I've mentioned before. But I get caught up assessing my sexual emotions instead. This whole journal details my struggle in trying to focus my attention on turning myself into a great person, instead of something so simple-minded and mundane.
how can i work today when i feel so comfy and coquette
hm.. just stared off into the distance for 2 hours. thinking about sex
god.
do you see what i fucking mean. how much of my life have i wasted...
there's nothing to do today, once again. and i want to go in tomorrow because im supposed to be hybrid. so to keep my sanity, i think i'll save digitizing my tax notes for tomorrow. because i will go crazy if i sit with nothing to do there.
not the boston office though. way too cold and miserable for that.
it's PoE2 day. imma try to trade and sell shit.
i actually got a lot of cleaning done, flipping between gaem and chores. no, not a single word from anyone at work today. im hiding from superiors instead of asking for work. brain needs it.
yuppie equivalent of hiding in the bathroom
i did laundry and vaccummed. that's the excitement of my day today.
still working to get a hideout in poe2 before trading can begin. i thought i was listing items wrong, but turns out i was doing it right all along. a lot of wasted time wasted.
im trying to find things to write about but i got nothing to say. i just want to play gaem but T is using the pc now. (yeah we've been sharing his PC lately instead of me just using mine because it's currently buried under work stuff. idk. maybe i'll fire up my pc tonight.)
i have therapy today, and like always, i dont wanna do it. but we're doing it
"how do you feel" fucking stupid "why do you feel stupid" 1. i stopped posting publicly because i think A is reading this 2. i should feel worse about new jersey 3. im still checking his profile and i don't know why. when i check it, i feel anxious and stupid. it's almost like i want to feel that way. a day ago i checked his profile out of guilt towards what i done to him, and now i check because im annoyed that he hasn't shown much of a reaction towards me not posting anymore.
im still reading into his bullshit whether im away or not. im turning him into a puzzle in my head to figure out, and it keeps me attached.
brain feels sick thinking about it.
i dont wanna talk about it. i wanna keep it pent up in me so i don't have to look at it.
but it feels like im scratching a mentl itch until it bleeds and i keep scratching.
by leaving he's more in my head than ever before, A, i mean. and it's not something i can undo. i can't go back to posting in an act of defiance because that would still be a reaction to him.
i don't wanna write. I don't wanna think.
i still feel like shit
my therapist said i feel like shit because fixating over A is draining me. it's the ocd again. i beat myself up for giving into it, and it makes me depressed.
no, A isn't reading this stuff. that's my ocd giving me an excuse to think and ruminate over him. to figure him out.
so depressed. "hey how about we think about horny shit with A to distract ourselves." ugh.
he would start berating me the moment i give in. T would leave me. id lose everything. why do i want to do it?
"you don't want to do it, your ocd wants you to do it" -- therapist
besides i have work, there are plenty of other ways to distract myself.
really don't want to work though.
"yanno maybe if you ask him about his gf, you'll feel so shit in comparison that you'll finally leave him alone."
it's not going to fucking work like that. i sit on my goddamn hands. that's the only way out of this.
the only way out is through
flames are but dew upon my skin
i feel like shittttttttttttt but they're making me 1099ing. which isn't a hard fucking task but goddamn if iiiiiii
i dont wanna ask how to know the information to enter into a 1099/w2. i dont want to talk to anyone
estimates are done. estimates are done. estimates are done. one good thing about today is the estimates are done.
fuck it i'll vidya
and i was fucking right that estates don't pay estimates for the first 2 years goddamn fuck you hydra head.
hydra head fuck you
fuck this job
fuck you too
"wouldn't it be fun to send A a thirst trap"
no
"white tshirt sort of deal"
no
"i wish he'd post thirst traps"
please fuck off/
i have to move my ass from here to the xbox 360 controller. if i move my ass to the xbox 360 controller i will be of a innocent virgin mind
i need coffee
i need a knife to the chest
i need to be dead
i really want him to hurt me
i want him to make me weak so i don't have any choice other than to not keep going
i love it when he treats me like shit. i love it when he insults me. i love being sick and getting turned on by getting told how disgusting i am.
someone explain the appeal. a lot of us know the appeal but we don't understand it. i don't understand it. maybe it's because it's the thing i fear the most. feeling stripped and weak to everything
so after that i entered a stupor for i don't know how long thinking of violent sexual shit being done to me. getting starved and beaten like an animal. getting off to cutting myself.
it was only when i remembered T that it finally stopped, and i to cry.
i went to sleep. i woke up, masturbated, got coffee. im at the work laptop again.
a client is happy to "e-meet" me
it's 1pm
if i let this shit get me fired again i'll never forgive myself
wew, i sure feel anxious for no reason.
anyways,
i am working on work-adjacent tasks since i have no work i feel like doing right now, while keeping my phone on me in case someone needs me for something.
but it's 15 min to the end of the day so who gives a shit.
anyways,
i subscribed to this note-taking organizer thing, because i used to take all my notes on paper. that worked for the CPA exam, but there's no way in hell that'll cut it now. im constantly learning bits and pieces of a subject and then having to go back and add more to it later, which gets real messy with paper.
in theory this program interlinks all your notes together so you can write something, and have it reference another thing, then another thing, etc... in a web. which i think is what i need, because tax law acts a lot like that. i mean it's fucking law. it's always referencing itself.
the entertaining part of this software though is how incredibly pompous the developers are. like fucking hell. the advertisements for it feature people whose only qualification is they're from Standford. Look at this shit from the introductory article I'm reading:
Around the time I discovered Roam, I fell down a rabbit hole after watching a video about the Simulation Hypothesis—which posits that all of reality is an artificial simulation, most likely a computer simulation. Elon Musk made the theory famous by publicly claiming he believes it to be true."
what the flying fuck do you mean. that was the plot of The Matrix you dumb shit. i know absolutely nothing about pop culture and i barely remember that movie. but that's the FUCKING MATRIX.
also:
As I usually do when watching an interesting video, I opened a new Google document to take notes. I occasionally paused the video to read the papers that were referenced, and took more notes. After an hour, I had a long document with personal notes, copied-and-pasted paragraphs from various authors, and links to articles and research papers. The topics ranged from quantum physics to philosophy and psychedelics.
this is a fucking lie. no one actually does this, i refuse to believe it.
you know i thought i was up my own ass about taking notes over taxes, when im not required to anymore. most ppl clock in and out without giving much of a fuck, which is just a fact of life, but it makes me look like the tryhard in comparison. (i can't help it i'll be honest)
but fuck man, like hell i'll ever start taking notes on random "interesting internet videos" (just say youtube)
i have more fun articles to read about this software--and yes unfortunately articles, they can't just give you a direct step by step guide. see, this note taking app is not just a note taking app; it's a *journey into developing your metacognitive abilities*--but that's for tomorrow. im off the damn clock.
and we'll see if it works out... because boy, if it doesn't, i GOTTA unsubcribe. this shit is $165 a fucking year. only reason im willing to throw down the money is because it's for work. hopefully as a permanent solution for the rest of my life.
god it would suck if it crashed and burned after 3 yrs or something. better have a backup of everything i put into it.
i know, so much writing today.
it helps distract...
im afraid of falling asleep. it is usually when im trying to fall asleep that the thoughts get worse. you close your eyes and the rest of the world is gone. you're left with yourself. locked behind your eyelids with the internal screaming.
taste more when less added
...
so im sitting here hoping i get punched to sleep instead of rocked to sleep. that if i stay up late enough i'll collapse from exhaustion, so i don't have to deal with the falling asleep part of sleeping.
"that's stupid. that's childish. you're stupid. stupid piece of shit."
"you and your stupid mind. your insufferable fucking noise. you laugh with it to keep yourself from hating it. but you hate it."
"bleed out on the paper. fucking do it. fucking keep going like this. it's the only fucking way"
"you can't go back"
don't i deserve a part in here? i deserve a part in here. you keep me locked away. under all, under all the drama.
keep your fucking eyes on me
or feel the lick of it again
..
the high is wearing off. im losing whatever that was. just want him back
im still faced with the dilemma of having to fall asleep
still faced with the dilemma that me not giving in today could be ruined at the worst and final part of all days.
(i think we're losing our good friend grahm grammar, may god rest his soul)
STILL FACED WITH THE DILEMMA THAT MY GOALS FOR TODAY WILL FALL APART AT THE FINAL PART OF THE DAY
yea
"you're flossing teeth at a time like this?" im flossing teeth at a time like this. it's time to attack our plaque
anyhing to make sure the brain will run itself tired.
ive been trying to come up with a rhyme for gingivitus for the past five minutes.
or some sort of pun involving violence and disappointed dentists
fucking legs hurt
i exercised today, did i say that
i need to do the bottom jaw but im getting pretty tired
i can't believe it; staying up to the point of exhaustion might be working. and my brain would rather fall asleep than floss. so all i have to do if i want to fall asleep is to tell myself to floss
(the bottom jaw still needs to be done)
(the bottom right jaw still needs to be done)
A is never going to write a post about floss because *you're* writing a post about floss. fucking stop it.
you should just let yourself go to sleep now, i think you'll be okay. cmon now...
i was overcome with a wave of guilt last night, and so i looked at his profile again. which doesn't solve anything for anybody. but i worry about him, and check his profile because of that. at least, that's why im doing it right now, for now. (im waiting for the day i start doing it again for less benign reasons)
there's no real point in reading his profile anyways because it's not like he's ever open and honest about how he feels. he hides his feelings behind 27 layers of irony and memes
it'd be better if he and i never met. he's hurting himself, reading through all this crap.
i wish him and i couldve just been friends. i really did like him, until things went to shit.
i feel lonely tonight. i miss F and A, but especially F. the way they used to make me laugh.
Museum day. And also grocery day if T gets me a list in time. Which he did, so.
Oof, hour drive each way.
I think I need to take my meds. I'm having weird daydreams involving arguing with A.
I hope I have a fun time today. There's an exhibit I really want to see, but it's outside in the cold. I think I have to see it though.
I'll get pictures if I can find the good camera.
I’m waiting at the museum for the Yin Yu Tang tour. It’s an ancient Chinese house that was gifted to them. Maybe they exchanged an American home with them, because the description said it was a cultural exchange. Anyways, they completely disassembled and reassembled the house to get it over here. I’m excited because this is the first time I’ll be physically inside a piece of East Asian architecture.
It's probably my Buddhist leaning but I really enjoy traditional Asian art.
Aw damn, I forgot my good camera.
I showed up at an awkward time where if I go to any exhibits I'd have to rush back to the tour. So I’m chilling here with coffee.
Ugh, waiting like this feels like forever. I’m ready to get this show on the road.
well, we left for the museum with high hopes, but somehow came back depressed. what was it, the cold? the native american exhibit? the european exhibit?
i think it was seeing the native american and european exhibits back to back. which was completely unintentional. first, you get to see the artwork of a people slaughtered, and then see the artwork by the people who profited off of that. it is not a great time.
personally, i think we should give this country back to them. they'd probably rule it better than our current politicians. anyone would.
seeing a thousand pictures of baby jesus in the european section is pretty boring too. weird how jesus and mary were depicted with the same exact hair colors throughout all of them. (these paintings were all from colonial netherlands, so i bet it was the trend for mary to have strawberry blonde hair and jesus straight up blonde.)
at least there's pizza tonight
one day there will be an extremely bored woman in a museum walking through a thousand depictions of anime girls just like i did with the thousand depictions of baby jesus
posting more than 3 sentences on Reddit is unhealthy. I almost did that today, but I restrained myself. c:
Good morning.
what the hell is a token on an image
we don't got time to figure that
one hydra head ratted me out to another hydra head that i had concerns about not getting enough feedback. i think it was M. that gossipy bastard. I know it wasn't B.
you can't trust men that insist on wearing dress shirts 24/7.
i hope M doesn't give me work in tax season. i have a feeling him and i will be duking it out. he'll do something wrong and i'll point it out but he'll be like "but im the manager". idk man ur a fresh manager and there's some things i know that you don't.
in general idgaf what your title is, i'll walk up to your door and call you out on your shit. im too para-suicidal to care if i get fired.
ugh. ppl r gonna find me if i host images on that site. idk. i need another place. probably imgur.
it's already 7am. i don't want it to be.
you know what i need to do today? call the state park and make a reservation for the marriage ceremony. and also plan for a solo outing this weekend somewhere. ah... i could do the museum.
i just bought the ticket so I have to go now.
i wish i could bring that one person who's having trouble on neocities to the art museums up here. i think she'd really like that
it's nice, not posting publicly. i think it's helping me detox from A. i didn't check his page at all yesterday, which is a first in a while. i think i should go quiet when my mental health gets bad. especially as bad as it has been. that was the worst its been since jan 2024.
Period wants to kill me and so does Peeko because I haven't let her out of the cage yet.
Slow day at work--well, kinda. I'm taking it easy today. I'm tired of drinking 3 cups of coffee today and wanting a fourth. I feel shit.
I decided to read today, because I can keep watching for emails and messages easily while reading. I picked up Flowers for Algernon. You already know it's going to end horribly. Book hurts me in a very particular way already. The author clearly knows what it's like for these people, as intimately as I do. This is the side of intellectual disability that no one talks about, or knows of, unless you're in the community. I'm not talking about the doctors and the experiment that's obviously going to go wrong for Charlie somehow. I'm talking about how Charlie is at the beginning. They're really lonely people, and they want to fit in. A lot. People focus too much on their intellect and miss out their social needs, which is devastating for many.
Like I said earlier: I feel sick and tired. Do I need to eat? Maybe.
The book is structured in the same style I write in here, so it's a bit weird to read. Feels a little too close to me.
I probably need to eat. I feel dead, empty, deflated.
What's easier than a site migration is merely not posting publicly for a while.
While I think about it, anyways.
While I sit with myself and my shame. (A much needed task.)
I feel like an addict trying to get clean.
I should just listen to T and move this place because he said so. Well, alright then. I'm more than happy to have one less thing to decide upon.
I don't feel like working on that right now though. Too depressed to. It's all my fault...
I guess it's finally hitting me now how bad it's all become.
Or at least I hope so. I thought a couple of weeks ago was my rock bottom.
I don't understand why now to be honest. Maybe it's the admission that A holds a malevolent hatred towards me, unlike whatever F felt. I'm dealing with a different person, so I have to do different things to dig myself out of this. The only thing that's similar were my own feelings, the ones that got me here. I truly believe I sought this drama out. After it dissipated with F. Every psychologist in the world will say I was/am seeking retraumatization.
Retraumatization: "Unfortunately, the experienced trauma usually holds the most potent emotions in a person's life, so many seek out similar situations to feel alive."
I'm paraphrasing, but I definitely read something like that somewhere.
I don't understand how going quiet like this is going to help either. My emotions are telling me to do this, but I don't understand them. Maybe if I have less of a reason to have a browser open, I'll be less likely to check? Maybe this is just my go to response when internet people get bad. I think it's the latter. This did used to be my natural response, but I'm happy I developed it I guess.
Good thing that no matter what happens, I can still write.
I should get my mind off of this before work today.
We rockin 2025 now. Happy new year.
Though because of my job it's going to feel like 2024 to me, just like how last year felt like 2023. All our work done in one year is dated in the prior year.
No more stupid A, alright? It's gotta stop. All he does is ignore me, so I don't know why I keep going back.
I wish I didn't have to monitor myself anymore. I wish I didn't have to care. I feel increasingly hopeless in controlling it. I could try now, maybe even be successful, but then the next cataclysm will happen and I'll break under stress and anxiety. Part of me says, an evil part, "Does it matter if you message him if all you're saying is a bunch of nonsensical shit?" It's not like I'm pouring out accolades of love.
There's a lot of evil things my brain tells me to get into this habit again. I'm going to try to make a complete list so stuff might be repeated:
I'm going to have to tell T it's bad again... do I tell him? It seems he prefers not to know. He said, "I don't want the responsibility of stopping you from doing this. I don't want to worry about it." He wants me to fight this on my own.
I think I've been telling myself the wrong story about A. I tried telling myself the one I used with F: that he's not sending cryptic messages to get my attention, and that I shouldn't waste my time reading into things. This story worked because it was true. Back when I thought of it, I didn't really believe it, and it was just something I tried to tell myself. Now I see it was actually true.
The stories I tell myself have to be true in order for me to escape this affliction.
So what is the truth?
I know you're here, A. I know you're reading this. Which is fucking insane because I deleted my last account and changed URLs for a reason. You went out of your way to find me again. You do send shitty cryptic messages to me via your tumblr posts, to try and sucker me back into interacting with you.
I think you like to watch me fail.
I'm going to have to move to a new hosting platform, aren't I? I think I've heard of one recently that could work. I know people read this though, so it's a shame that I'm going to lose them. Though I think I know of a way to prevent that from happening, maybe? I do expect to see a viewer drop regardless, however.
Does it really matter, though? It really doesn't. I just have to rip the bandaid off and move. Fortunately I think I can continue to use this place to host images, so the images on this blog won't break. The only thing I'll need to update are urls linking pages together... but with the javascript I use, I've made that simple.
... There's an anger I don't have the words for, sourced from the fact that I have to move.
I told T how bad things have become, and he told me to move this place.
It's definitely my fault though. I could just not look at his profile. I'm weak.
There's a great irony in all of this; it regards F. When I was crazy mad at him, I was hoping I'd chase him off the site he's on, but it never happened. And now, I'm running.
I'm depressed that I'm having to do this, but it's what I deserve.
Oh T. He's asking me to co-op with him. He always forgives me.
Maybe I'll just disappear.
"Try to take care of yourself--even if it's insincere."
ik u guys missed me yesterday. u were like "where did she go? what am i supposed to do with myself now she is not here?" well, you can stop your worrying because im here now
i think all i did yesterday was play video games. i cannot remember doing anything else. i also bothered A by showcasing a vegetable meledy of weapons. all in all i did jack shit yesterday and im ok with that. today is probably going to go the same way because i stayed up till 6am last night.
well. good talk. cya
I figure it's time I stopped pretending that I live in a realm where tomorrow doesn't exist, and start adulting again. Somewhat.
I made a small list of plans for next year. A lot of it is trying to go out and do things on my own. I learned last night that while I like hanging around people, at this point in my life I feel the happiest when I'm out on my own. When I walked out of the board game night, I felt such a huge relief. And I don't know why, but the empty parking lot with the winterr chill and fog--I thought it was very beautiful, in a liminal way.
I think I'm happiest when I'm taking in art and beauty alone. I should try walking in urban/suburban areas at night, to try and find it.
The beauty of the woods is fun, but it's kinda cliche, isn't it?
(Fucking muscle knot in my neck this morning is going to be the death of me.)
I also spend too much time writing here. @_@ I need to maybe... tone it down. I would like to do other things with my day. I don't know, maybe there's other areas of my life I can sacrifice for time. (Though there really isn't much else. Vidya? Other than right now, I don't play that often. Gotta hang out with T. And then there's work. Ugh.) I could set a timer on how long I should spend on here. Maybe 30 min.
It's hard because this place... has a massive effect on my happiness. I'm still baffled by that.
Though I still want to add more pages, and redesign, again. I won't put a time limit on that.
Alright, time to get outta here.
Starting to feel burnt out on gaming. I'm also starting to feel depressed again, I think. I don't think the gloom from last night completely went away.
T is home from his trip. I should try to do something with him. Might help.
this year has taught me id rather almost get arrested again than plan for a wedding. reasons:
however, guys, i am happy to announce that for the first time this year, i finally made progress on planning the wedding ceremony. i downloaded this mega wedding list that comes with this budgeter, and i filled in all the little numbers in the excel sheet of how much i want to spend on each item. now that i have a list of whats needed for a wedding, and that ive allocated the money, i feel like im already halfway done.
ugh how the fuck am i depressed? im high and im deprresed. brain hurts
I woke up, showered, ate, and went to the board game event for the entire day. My mood was okay at first, but went to shit as the day wore on.
I'm horrible at talking to people. It's not really social anxiety as much as social depression. All these sad thoughts get into my head, about how I can't relate to other people, and I really, truly, don't feel like I relate to many people. Everyone knows xyz actor, has a favorite show, has a favorite anime, has a favorite video game, and all are seemingly well versed in Japanese culture. They know the ins and outs of whatever their "thing" is. Have giant collections of xyz.
I don't think I've ever been like that about anything. Nothing makes me happy enough to fixate on it forever. Best I got is bingeing something for 2 weeks and then forgetting ever detail of it 2 weeks later.
I don't know why I'm like this. Nothing makes me happy enough where the details of it stick in my memory.
I watched the movie Akira, (the first one) and it was really good; I remember enjoying it a lot. Do I remember a single thing about it? No, other than the animation was beautiful. A month after watching it for the first time, I was talking about it with T's friend. He asked me what it was about, and I had no answer.
I don't know why I can't remember anything.
I don't know why things can't make me happy like they do with other people.
I feel like my brain is too damaged to...
I've tried finding a name for this condition, but there isn't one. Nothing turns up in search results. I've tried explaining it to therapists to no avail. Ai failed. I don't know why I'm like this, but it makes it nearly impossible to get along with people and socialize like a normal person.
I used to be spiteful about it. We all had those edgelord days of shunning the mainstream shit because we're not like the others. It doesn't help. Makes you more alienated from most people. You can still find other people spiteful like yourself to hang around, but they're usually mean and fucked up in some way, from not trying to get along with other people. So I try not to live by that attitude anymore.
The people I'm hanging around--it's soyboy central, with the open mouth soyface and everything. Gets made fun of all the time in the circles of the internet I tend to gravitate towards.
But you know what? These are happy people, enjoying their lives, with stable jobs and people who love them. And they'll treat you kindly with respect and maturity. It really makes me think that we're supposed to act like fucking soyjaks over something.
I hate the soyboy meme to be completely honest. It punishes men for getting happy and excited about something. "It's just a meme brO" yeah, but there's an implicit message in it that men shouldn't feel estatic about anything, isn't there? Society's continuous message is that they shouldn't feel the extremes of any emotion in general.
In my experience I know that the more I show up to a place with the same people, socializing gets easier every time. You will eventually have that moment when people click with you or you with them. And then they'll start hoping you show up, be expecting you, happy to see you. But for people like me, it takes a long time. I guess. I think.
I like to believe anyways, that if you put in enough time, eventually things will get better. I've had this happen to me on the internet, but I don't know how this translates to real life.
In short, I'll keep showing up. I just hope no one noticed my depression while I was there.
I don't feel any better after writing this, but I know I did my best today.
my hair is greasy and I can't remember the last time I showered. but im happy
my focus during work was also good today. i finished early only because the Hydra stole the document i needed to get started on another project. I just ragedquit after that. there was only 30 min left of the day anyways.
He might be taking over that project. I did say I needed help earlier on retirement accounts, and I guess he thought taking a project off my plate would help.
I'm thankful for the weekend. I got permission to take Monday off but I might not, because estimate deadlines are coming up.
I wish I took time off in November. But what can you do.
PoE2 all weekend baybee
...
eh fuck i can't do that, im invited to the board game club this weekend. though all i want to do is play this game.
*bonks myself* no shunning social activities allowed!! @-@ you have to gooooooo for ... a fulfilling life.
I had a really productive day. Lost myself in work, and lost track of time. Day was over in a heartbeat.
Pizzaa you must arrive, faster....
Merry Christmas, Neocities!
Though this is the least festive Christmas I've ever experienced, hehe. I got presents from my parents, and I bought them Christmas chocolates, and that's about it. No decorations up or anything like that. Just too much happened this year. Though our lives improved, there was a lot of stress, between the marriage, new jobs, and A. I hope next year we can settle into our lives and breathe.
I don't feel bad about not celebrating Christmas. In fact, I prefer it this way since I'm not Christian. Even though the holiday is heavily corporatized at this point, and the evangelicals are ruining this country, (the anger toward evangelicals makes a lot of people not give a fuck about the religious elements of Christmas) I feel like Christmas is holiday that needs to be respected, and that if you're not Christian you shouldn't celebrate it. Just like with any other religion and their holidays.
My opinion is an unpopular one, except among Christians. I still don't know how to reconcile my belief with the activities most people do this year. Most people my age aren't religious but celebrate Christmas anyways. I don't know what to tell T, because he's among those people. I don't want to bum people out and say, "Actually I'm not doing anything for Christmas because I feel like the religious aspects should be respected even if I don't believe in them." I think people would get mad at me for that.
I think next year I should start with asking my parents to wait until my birthday in January to give me my gifts. Maybe I should tell everyone that.
But I guess I will get other people gifts on Christmas since they celebrate? I guess?
The worst thing I did this year was try to order takeout on Christmas. Fortunately, everything is closed, and I quickly recognized my folly as a result.
I may starve today, but at least I will be starving with all the other losers on Path of Exile 2.
Maybe I'm stupid for this, but I've been giving away rares and uniques to people in my party that look like they could use it in their build. Feels like a dick move to hold on to it if im just going to sell it to the npc later.
And there's no point trying to play the market with midgame armor. People care about the post game.
I got this real nice mage armor that I don't need tho. Forgot to give it away. I need to find another party with a mage in it.
I used to listen to Radiohead all the time in high school, and I haven't listened in a million years since then. They were (are?) my favorite band. This morning, I listened to In Rainbows on the CD player and holy fuck. It sounds amazing on those speakers; 15 step, Bodysnatchers, and Jigsaw in particular.
The album is so painful now, though. Nude, All I Need, Jigsaw, and House of Cards hurt. It felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart, when I was listening. I didn't understand most of the lyrics when I was in high school... I couldn't find the meaning in them. But now it's clear...
I guess you have to go through it to understand.
... Fuck.
It's been a long while since I encountered gamer rage, so experiencing it today was a shock to the system. I partied with this dude all day yesterday, and we were doing pretty well together. So we met up again today. We were in a tough dungeon, and I fucked up at the end. This dude got real pissed off; it came out of nowhere. We started to go through the dungeon again, but he frazzled me with his sudden outburst, so I started playing terribly, and failed again. He left the party and went silent after that.
Fucking weird.
Some people turn into complete animals in multiplayer games, and reveal sides to them that make you think they need to see a therapist.
I hope if he's a kid he outgrows it. Though he did say "operator error" so it might be a jackass in computer science. (Never met a pleasant person that majored in computer science. Don't know what it is with that.)
Guy's a fucking loser, regardless.
So I wrote that email to my father. I haven't sent it yet; I'm going to wait until after Christmas. Here it is, in all its glory. It's by far the most honest and raw thing I've ever said to my parents:
Dad,
I don’t know if J still does his shenanigans in the hot tub, but it has to stop. I don’t care if he’s up to shenanigans in private, but outside?! Do I really have to explain he could get in trouble with the law?! I know the hot tub is in our backyard, but it’s seriously not the most secluded. That ivy barrier you guys put up over the fence isn’t going to save you. And honestly, it would be better if J learned how to do shenanigans in a normal way, correct?
You have to talk to him about it, Dad. Last time we spoke about it, it sounded like you never had a conversation with him on the subject. Don’t make Mom do it. She’s been through enough, and you’re the one with a shenanigan of your own.
My advice? I wouldn’t tell him how to commit shenanigans with his hands. That could turn into a habit he can’t control, like his hair-picking thing. I’ve read stories about that from other siblings of people like J. I’d get him a fleshlight. I’m not going to explain what a fleshlight is; you have Google at your disposal. Find a long cylinder like a wooden dowel to illustrate how to use the fleshlight, and explain. Make sure he knows how to clean it too.
We’re real lucky that J is becoming more socially aware by the day, that he can work, that he has all the traits necessary for semi-independent living, and that he’s happy. He’s a miracle, honestly. All the damn work you both put into that could be blown up in a millisecond if J has an accident in public. His life would be ripped to shreds.
He needs to be given a proper outlet for his sexual urges. And it’ll probably only take one conversation. It will be a terrible time for both you and J probably, but it only has to happen once.
There are resources online about how to give this talk to an intellectually disabled person. Unfortunately a lot of it is oriented towards minors going through puberty, but it’s better than nothing:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8352484/
Please don’t wait until you pass J into my care to have this conversation. I will have this conversation with him if I have to, but I will regard you as a sad coward for the rest of your life for making your daughter do this.
And if J ever gets arrested for public masturbation, hand to God I will start killing people, and then I’ll kill myself.
Fucking tired of my family. Fucking tired of society's fear and obsession towards sex. Fucking tired of putting sex on a pedastal and getting offended and reactionary about it, instead of handling it maturely. Fucking tired of corporations using sex as clickbait. Fucking tired of people making sex their identity. Fucking tired of people making abstaining from sex their identity. Fucking tired of people talking about sex.
I should do something else with my day now.
I'm pretty sure Satan is going to visit me tomorrow night because I'm doing absolutely nothing for Christmas. I should've prepared the blood ritual for him. (Buy candles, acquire grimoire, crack the skull of a virgin) My unadornished house will be a disappointment to him, and my hospitality an insult.
Regardless, it's almost certain I'll strengthen my doom aura and shadow energy after tomorrow.
Nah, Christmas snuck up on me before I could plan for it, and maybe I should be visiting family but I don't care. Pissed at all of them. And they can be pissed at me.
T's leaving for his grandparents up north tomorrow so I really am going to be alone for Christmas.
There's something thrilling about being alone on Christmas, and not celebrating it. Most people would think I'm a sad, depressed freak for it. And I am a sad, depressed freak, but not over Christmas. I couldn't give any less of a shit about it. There's a power in that apathy that makes me giddy.
It'll probably happen next year though, the celebrating. I guess. If it doesn't sneak up on me again. (Ever since I left my parents at 18 I've been really bad at celebrating holidays.)
This is a Peter Rabbit illustration by Beatrix Potter. I really want to take my art in this direction. Some sort of whimsical storybook style. I should draw inspiration from Studio Ghibli as well.
It looks so challenging though. The line art is often "faded" to give a softer look, especially in the fur, but in some places, presents itself stronger like in the jacket and leaves. Peter is the most defined part of this picture. The background less so, and it gives a dreamy atmosphere as a result.
When I don't have much of anything going on, and I need to do something relaxing that doesn't require a lot of thought, I'll try tracing stuff like this. Hopefully some of this style will rub off on me as I do so, though I know it's not the optimal or fastest way of learning how to draw. I'm not trying to be a professional at it though.
Today's a relaxing morning, overall. Well, afternoon. I keep worrying about my parents my Mom judging me for not doing much for Christmas.
I haven't exercised in over a week, and my body is hating me for it.
I hate it when you're trying to exercise and suddenly you remember your very mentally ill brother is masturbating in the hot tub at your parents' house on the regular because neither of them want to talk about sex with him. They would rather let him do that out in the open air and risk public indecency charges than have a conversation with their kid about sex.
As I'm doing cardio, I'm wondering, "have I done everything to protect my brother from getting in trouble with the law for this?" And the answer is no. I'm long overdue to send my father an infuriated email about this bullshit.
I believe the best option for him is a fleshlight, because other people like him develop compulsions around masturbation sometimes with their hands. And just tell him to do it in his fucking room, like a normal fucking parent would do.
They are really fucking lucky J is somewhat socially aware, and feels shame for nudity, somewhat, and probably just needs a conversation to understand.
My parents are fucking god awful. And the email will definitely end with, "And if J ever gets arrested with charges for public indecency, I will start killing people, and then I will kill myself."
I'm bahumbugging out this Christmas. It just snuck up on me so fast. T is out celebrating Christmas with his family right now, and he told me at the last second he was celebrating this morning, so I had no time to mentally prepare.
I could go watch the Nutcracker, idk.
(The ballet, in Boston)
I love women that sound like deranged ghouls while singing. Let us be fucking free!
I created a budget for T and I, since he's getting a new job with increased pay, and I haven't made a budget in years.
We're doing reeeaaaaaaal good.
For once in our lives we can think about getting ahead on debt, and maybe start saving for a house.
... I almost fucked up this life again.
T says, "The key word is almost, but you came back."
I'm tired of having almosts. I didn't tell him about this recent almost, because I don't want to hurt him anymore.
It's only ever going to be almosts, A.
T is happy today, since I broke to him the news about how much better we're doing financially. We worked real hard for this, but we're also very lucky that our hard work paid off.
I feel sad that it almost ended again.
coming down from a high sucks. i feel lonely
Today starts a renewed effort to avoid A. Apparently he has a gf now, which is great, because it means I didn't totally ruin him with my bullshit.
And I seriously mean that. I'm a mentally ill piece of shit. I'm trash and I deserve to be disregarded. I'll never know why T stays.
I was mad at A, but I only feel guilt now.
I went online today for work. I thought the Hydra needed me for something, but now he's ghosting me, so I guess he figured it out. Doesn't bother me; I'm more than happy to not talk to the Hydra.
I also got something done for a client that I've been anxious about. So that's nice. I guess I'll ask to get Monday off since I'm working today.
boring bullshit, i know. i don't want to work today.
I'm reading this thread right now asking "What is something that's happened over the past 10 years to you personally that would've shocked you in 2014?" and people are just like, "Oh I discovered Lorde."
Like that's fucking it? You discovered Lorde? That's all that's happened? Can I have your fucking life??????
For the first time in weeks, I actually got a decent amount of work done on harder clients. I cam rest easy for the next 5 days.
eyes hurt, feel strained. weird.
i need gaems tonight
i don't know what to say today. there are things i want to say, but im hating the way my voice sounds in my head, and myself by extension.
i am home, and T is okay. im relieved, but also angry at myself.
i feel like i don't deserve a space, or a voice. i hate that i write all of this shit here.
and yet I can't seem to stop.
it feels like where A resides in my brain is just above my left eye, in a space about the size of a quarter, and that section of brain has rotted. it smells like eggs. it's green and bits and pieces of flesh are hanging on by a thread. it doesn't smell like decay because this decay is something alien and unnatural. it's noxious. i keep sticking my finger in and picking at it though. strange sensation. i do it again.
something something revisiting trauma; compulsions
i told my boss that i'd take friday off earlier this week, and i think i will actually. i should work saturday though for that one client.
i reached out to my therapist a few days back, and she reached out to me, but god i don't feel like doing an appointment. i don't want my stupid fucking life picked apart and rationalized. in other words, im tired of handling shit maturely.
i wish i could cut myself, but leave no evidence of it. i don't want people to ask questions. i just want to feel the pain of it. pain to blot out other pain. god, if it was possible to hide i would've started a long time ago.
idk why i thought about going south. i–
*blinks*
they're literally flying hundreds of drones over new jersey and telling us not to worry about it
NO
WTF MAN
WHAT
News anchors: yeah america, don't worry about it.
??????
Fucking journalists.
Back in the training and it's really boring once again.
No, I’m not going to go south to my hometown. I’d rather spend the money from a hotel room on something else. Like that neat dress I saw.
Tomorrow! Get to be home tomorrow.
I should've brought something to doodle with. Sigh…
oh i feel bad for this guy. he’s done a zillion of these lectures back to back and has lost his voice before from it.
poor fucking dude
note to self: never sign up for edu roles in the company. not sure why i would anyways tho
we’re on lunch break, and i could get a coffee, but there's the question of do i really want to be awake for this.
i keep trying to make jokes with people at this company and it’s not working. everyone's socially well adjusted and looks at me weird. they were all quarterback of the football team. everyone is seeing family for christmas.
this one guy is a huge gossip holy shiiiiit. totally obsessed with the corporate culture. fucking damn. glad he's not at my location.
… ppl really out here flexing the college they went to. and their grades, still. years later.
yuppie life. what am i doing.
I had to explain to this girl what a right angle is at my job today. I have to work with this person for the rest of my life...
i keep making terrible decisions regarding A, including telling him the town im currently in.
note that i did not say where in the town
and also i'll be gone from this town by the end of tomorrow
i don't know why i keep doing this. there's no strong emotion behind it. i feel dead, with a tinge of sadness. i feel sad every time i do this. i rotate between feeling dead and feeling sad.
it's like pressing on an old bruise
it's not an excuse
im high rn. uh. probably also why im not feeling much of anything. ah, i hate myself. im going to be in so much fear for now on. i dont want to hurt T. i hate myself. i have to stop.
im going to forget i did it.
im such a shitty person
it's picking at scabs
I feel like I’ve been hit on the side of the head with how tired I am. I really needed that lecture about inside/outside basis, but I couldn't stay awake for most of it.
Idk. I guess I’m still going to have to go over that at some point.
I’m considering staying in NJ longer, to head into South Jersey Friday and visit where I spent the first 10 years of my life.
Very very tempting.
… Please for the love of god this coffee needs to wake me up.
ngl this presentation is awful, im not learning anything, and the guy lecturing seems like he wants to do anything other than lecturing.
i can’t blame the guy.
it's really hard to want to do the exercises they provide when for some god forsaken reason they put all the tables in a word doc instead of an excel sheet.
not sure what else i was expecting from this business trip. i plan on probably crashing when i get back to the hotel… yeah. i think i will do that. i brought my laptop so i can play vidya.
i brought a few gummies too but what i really wish i had was liquor.
yeah but basically, its been a very boring trip so far
i miss not having a job. the muse finally visited me a month before starting this job, and now ive lost touch with her once again. it takes a lot of work for me to feel inspired and motivated for art, because im not used to exercising my creative muscles anymore. sadly.
this tells me i care more about art than this job. which is a feeling that's hard to sense and remember. im a tryhard workaholic that can't let things sit uncorrected if there's a problem. but it would be better for me if I put all that energy into art instead.
noooooo i keep thinking of sex again! because im falling asleep to this shit!!!! noooooo!!! ewwwwww!!! icky!
i have major fears
that
i’ll accidentally drop this phone and someone reads what i wrote here.
i would honestly rather be caught scrolling through hentai because that seems more normal than whatever this is
not that im also scrolling through hentai on top of this
hehe top
on top of this theenis
… 25 min left………….. help
there's 4 giant ass security cameras in this room. idk what ppl think is going to happen in here. or maybe there's a secret safe in the podium
ewww time value of money mention.
i cant even make a joke about the time value of money being better than sex because it's simply not true. i cant even get myself to say it deadpan to the imaginary audience that exists in my head
apparently there's twitch streams of women walking around and they make money. i couldve done that instead of this…
15 min
the problem with these lectures is they're trying to fit the entirety of the cpa exam course and then some in 20 hours. its fucking impossible to absorb it all
the company is only covering 2 hotel nights instead of 3 like i thought
people drive like ass
and the walgreens doesn't even sell beer.
i should've brought more weed. sitting in a hotel room is boring but i don't want to go out. i want to sit in my filth and sleep
when i inevitably have to do this again next year i'll 100% bring enough weed for each night and then some.
...
*looks up NJ weed laws*
oh fuck yeah they have stores here
thank christ
Torturing myself with lewd thoughts is kinda getting old.
It's weird how dedicated I am to this when sex isn't even real.
I'm updating this before the drive. There's not much of a point in leaving right now because it's rush hour traffic.
Still don't wanna go.
Proud moment of the day was a client said something over the phone last week, and I Remembered and Understood what she said and was able to convey it in an email with the Hydra. Like I might just maybe understand topics and things at my work waow.
But more importantly, I've developed a devious ploy against the IT guy.
Basically,
You can't install .exe without admin permission, and I was reminded of this when I tried installing chrome on the new work laptop. But a few minutes later, chrome installed. So I feel like he must've known that I tried installing chrome with corporate spyware because I didn't even say anything to him.
My plan is to deploy goofs and gags by changing the name on the chrome installer to stupid shit like BigfootSighting--Real--.exe and KittenWithMittensExperiencesSnowForFirstTime.exe
I need to think of other ones.
...
It's about the small things in life.
I am my own worst enemy.
The only time people were nice to me as a teenager were men sexually into me. And that's why I'm in this situation now. I still crave that sort of attention. Not even the sex itself, but the sexual tension. The psychological... I don't know what to call it.
I have to believe I can survive this. Realizing in the past year how much SAD affects me has filled me with pessimism about my ability to stay sane. I need to note and manage my mental health rather than note and wallow in it. That's easier with things like depression and anxiety because they're old friends at this point.
I need to maintain faith in myself.
I've been meaning to tell the good news about T.
Him and his friend/manager left their old job a couple of months ago because of how they were treated by upper management. The friend is Je by the way. Turns out, the company absolutely tanked after they left. They lost two giant customers and profits went to the shitter.
They became desperate to get his friend back, and gave her everything she demanded on a silver platter. High pay, benefits; the absolute works. She told them, "I need to get T back in here." So he's also getting the silver platter treatment. :) He got everything he wanted: 30/hr, the ability to choose his own hours, tuition reimbursement down the line. The best part? The old manager that was torturing them was moved to a completely different department; a dead end, shitty job in the company where they usually place people they want to quietly force out.
I will never tell T what to do about his career again lmao. This sort of treatment he's earned from his work--I should keep my damn mouth shut.
I'll try to. It's going to be hard.
We're going to Tf's today for board games. A bunch of other people will be there. I'm exhausted, but I make myself go to outings like these. I'm always going to feel exhausted, and have time to soothe that. Social events like these are rare, especially nerdy ones.
There's another blog I read on here, and I really hope she's okay. I've always wanted to talk to her, but she leave no means of communication.
I hope you're okay.
I almost didn't go to Tf's today. Almost cried going in, because I felt so depressed. I was snapping at T too for no reason. None that he knows of, anyways. I wish I could tell T what's been going on, but he's been through enough of my bullshit. I don't want him to worry about me. Walking into Tf's place, I felt the weight of every burden I carry on me.
But I had an okay time. Maybe I should've chosen an easier game to play so I could actually talk to people, instead of learning the rules of the game. I will next time. But I was genuinely interested in the game--many were surprised by that. It was about investing and running railroad companies, so it's up my alley.
I'm happier, but part of me doesn't want to get better. I want to give into my worst urges, and let my life get ruined. I want to feel a twisted and ill combination of intense pleasure and pain. I always feel like this deep down, and even though I spent years trying to figure out why I yearn for this emotional self-torture, I don't have an answer.
The happy feelings from this excursion are going to wane over the next 24 hrs and I'll be back to feeling like shit. I'm sure of it.
This week I go to New Jersey for the training. I leave Monday and return Thursday. I might ask for Thursday off... but regardless, I'm going to hate every moment of it. The last thing I want to do right now is travel.
I think A hates me and I don't blame him.
I'm embarrassed for how I acted yesterday. Sorry, readers. I don't take this shit down once it's up though. Except that special circumstance with K.
I decided not to visit relatives while I stay in New Jersey. It's all going to be strictly work, and once it's done, I'm coming straight home. I'm too tempted to arrange a meeting place with A. Yes, I'm getting back into having "conversations" with him. Mostly watching his page for cryptic messages. Sometimes, I think he leaves a cryptic message for me, vagueposting. Life advice: you'll go crazy reading into that shit. If someone can't be straight with you, they're not worth your time.
I'm usually able to follow that rule, but I'm a fucking mess.
I've been pretty bad at that with A for weeks now.
Work hasn't been helping. Everyone's chilling at work, but my anxious ass decided to get assigned estimates early. And now I have that to worry about.
I need to get through December, staying inside, doing nothing, taking on no extra work, as much as humanly possible.
Work isn't even due for like a month. Why am I stressing out?
No. No more worrying about work. I'm going to chill the fuck out, force myself to sit and eat video games. After the outing with Tf tomorrow, I'm done. I'm only going to places if I really fucking have to, unless if it's dates with T.
I'm playing Forbbiden West, and they couldn't have given me a normal way to enter this place.
...
most annoying mission of my life
my therapist:
I love my quiet mornings, where I feel well enough to relax and collect my thoughts before the day begins. This is the first one I've had all week.
I wish I could tell me Mom everything about my life, and that I can trust her. I want to, as an adult. It's easier to forgive her for her controlling attitude now, because she can't control me anymore. But I can't let down my guard, even still, after leaving the house ten years ago. I can't even tell her about the friends I've made, because she'll stalk them on social media and try to control who I'm friends with.
I guess since I'm happier, it's harder to hold resentment towards her, and I'm empathetic towards the hard life she's lived. I guess I pity her.
This happiness of mine won't last forever. I still crave the men from my past, and I crave men now, and those feelings threaten all the work I've done. I don't want to give in. I'm ashamed that I have this problem.
Oh my stupid ears. They can hear every pop and odd crackle in the CD player. Something's off, maybe the CD? I hope's it's not the speakers already. Or maybe my ears are playing tricks on me.
I'm going on a business trip next week to New Jersey, for the company's national tax trainings. It's going to be exhausting. I think I'll take the Friday off... maybe even stay for the 22nd. I'll have all my work stuff, so it won't be a problem. I can go see my relatives and possibly E, though he never answers the texts I send him. Not sure what's up with that. I think his life is just very volatile, and hard. I know he has bipolar too, worse than mine. Also CSA.
But I'll have all my work stuff on me, so there's no reason why I can't work remotely while I'm down there.
I'll have to ask T though, I'm sure he'll feel clingy and miss me. But I'm going to make a hard arguement to have him let me stay longer down there. I have to go to my bank down there anyways to change my name on my account. It's something they require for me to do in person.
God.
Its been so hard to concentrate. I'm feeling much like how I felt when I got fired. I process everything real slowly, and I get distracted too easily. I seriously need to see the therapist; I just keep forgetting to make the appointment.
i movr so slow through everything. so much processing in my brain, so much lag. looking for cheap things to cheer me up. the best thing is sex. ... i feel like writing out a dirty fantasy, but i dont think it'll help. or maybe it will.
...
no reason why i can't write one here then delete it
...
i wish i had weed but T is gone
...
I've been aching for sex all day. Yeah, I guess that's another distraction. T is gone though. Out with his coworkers celebrating his new job. I should explain that at some point...
... I'm getting distracted again.
I don't think about my kinks as much as I used to, when I watched porn. And I haven't been able to get off to the imaginings in my head lately. It hasn't been enough. It definitely feels forced, trying to go about it that way.
People irl are increasingly becoming attractive to me, even if they look average. I used to not have this problem, due to having a healthy amount of social anxiety to counteract sexual feelings towards attractive strangers. ... That's no longer the case anymore.
I feel like uncermoniously listing off my kinks, without diving too deep into any of them. There's a certain attitude I put on, a stern one, when revealing embarrassing things about myself. I do this when when I write here as well. It says, "Yeah I think xyz, what the fuck are YOU going to do about it? Fucking fight me."
So it would be cheating if I adopted that attitude towards this. I should go into a disgusting amount of detail, instead of focusing on defending myself from external judgment. I should let myself get killed for these thoughts.
I feel wet thinking about exposing myself like this. My sexuality is almost completely expressed without fanfare, with an air of detachment. Because I'm ashamed of it. After everything I've done, why wouldn't I be?
Yet here I am again.
... I'm still avoiding saying anything.
Before writing the above, I called T briefly to ask him a question. I didn't think I said anything that implied my mood, but he came home. He said I sounded depressed, and he knows this is a bad time of year for me. He read my mind...
that was the greatest dick ever. can’t even pee anymore
i know my look now. i need to get glasses to wear, like the stereotypical nerd glasses. i’ll wear flowy dresses with colorful prints, like a cacti print, with a high collar. ill have a little hat that matches the theme if the dress, like a succulent hat, that sits on the side of my head. if i want something more simple, maybe colorful bretts and bobby pins. ill keep parting my hair down the middle, with the wavy bob and side swept bangs. ill wear chunky, colorful heels. or chunky, colorful boots… i know a place that sells them. the earrings will be kept simple; the rest of the outfit will be kept simple.
i just need to figure out where to find this stuff
I hope you choose to live. You help me feel like there's a place I belong in this world. I would be sad to see you go.
The internet went down in my house, so I'm just waiting for it to come back.
I feel like the top half of my head has been filled with fluid to the point of almost exploding. Painful. It's because I was sobbing last night. Despite getting my full hours of sleep, I feel like I haven't slept at all.
I called my Mom yesterday, and she gave me a lot of praise, so I was happy at first. But it's all a lie. Part of me keeps falling for the belief that she's forgiven me for how I acted in my youth. But I know she never will; her anger always comes out eventually, yelling at me for how I acted back then, even though I've changed drastically and tried my best to prove that.
She'll never forgive me.
I can feel her resentment towards me, underneath her fake kindness and flattery. It's gotten worse after the marriage. And every conversation ends with an implied list of demands, trying to guilt me into doing what she wants. My Dad wants me to pretend that I think she loves me, so I can continue being her punching bag, and make his life easier. It doesn't feel like I have parents. I don't know who these monsters are.
I forgot to say. I forgot to repent, and I must repent because I am ashamed. I will NEVER blaspheme Tf's name again. I deserve to be ashamed. I deserve to go to hell.
I keep having conversations about work with work people in my head. Wish it would stop. I should get a life.
I’m also going in every day this week because I feel like it. Sometimes it's just easier to keep doing the same thing you've been doing than change it up mid week. Expensive as shit, though. I wish I got the week pass for the train. ;_;
Another part of it is I don't want to lug the new laptop home from Boston. Going to be a pain in the ass.
Work is really boring. Daydreaming about licking an ear.
Confession: I think about Tf’s boobs once a day ever since I went to that bar.
I fucking hate my brain. It cycles through too many damn emotions. One moment I think: “everyone loves me at my job” then “everyone hates me at my job I'm gonna cry” a few hours later. What the flying fuck is wrong with me.
My coping mechanism is becoming this journal. I leave for the bathroom, scream into this thing for a few minutes, and suddenly I'm feeling better.
Christ. I'm just surprised how much of a comfort this thing is. I seriously need a therapist appointment about my internal emotional rollercoaster though. It’s been so long since I've been in an office with office dynamics and lots of people. I'm not used to it.
“But you’ve had jobs for most of your adult life.”
Jobs where I'm physically present around 5 people max and they're all boomers.
“What about your 1st job?”
… Holy shit. The COVID lockdown actually fucked me up, socially. Everyone was remote for that job because of it.
And before then, college, a billion different faces in each class. No one I’d see repeatedly. So the last time I was in a setting like this? 10 years ago in high school.
I'm fucking screwed.
Yeah no way I went the fuck home, I'm gonna stay the fuck home, I will never leave home, I am crazy and I don’t deserve to go outside.
im tired of hearing myself think. im tired of feeling
I keep thinking about the CEO shooting, and daydreaming about doing something like that myself.
It’d probably never happen. For all of the FBI agents reading this, a lot of people probably daydream stuff like this for fun. There's probably a My Little Pony fanfic about killing Jeff Bezos, which I think the FBI should prioritize over my daydreaming, for obvious reasons.
I don't think I’d run afterwards. I’m not scared of the justice system, and I’m not scared of death. I bet that, anyways. It’s hard putting yourself in the shoes of a murderer.
But I’ve never been one to run. I take hits to the face and press on. For being too honest, usually, if getting fired a couple of years ago proves anything.
I wonder what psychologists would call this attitude.
I feel better today but the weed made me spacey. Not very good for getting work done. But I got work done.
Client’s income skyrocketed this year, which we should've accounted for back in June, but we didn't. Taxes are much higher than expected. Client is very urgent about getting the estimate done, so I have to alert the Hydra quickly so he can double check whether this guy has to make a million dollar payment to the IRS.
I hope what everyone learns from these entries is that finance is stupid and there are financial mistakes costing the economy millions and billions of dollars all the time. And stock trading isn't that sexy and cool as cryptobros make it out to be. Behind every stock sale, there's a dumpster fire of financial statements, which makes you question the real value of stocks and the economy, and whether it’s all actually real or complete bullshit. I’m betting complete bullshit.
And I seriously wonder why no one in the business industry fucking realizes this. Are we fucking stupid, or too busy gushing over our shined shoes and mahogany desks?
I will be repeatedly venting about this for the rest of my life. Because there's no chance in hell it's going to get better.
Anyways, fun office gossip time:
I guess I should give this hydra head a name because of how he behaves around me. Do we have a M?
Yes, this is unfortunately the guy I had a crush on for about a week before I realized he has no idea how to talk about anything other than work. He’s also the guy most competent and available to help me with work, so I keep talking to him about shit like that. Unfortunately. It would be best if I stayed away from him.
I was walking from the IT room because I had to pick up a new laptop, and I suddenly hear these loud, rapid footsteps coming from behind me. Then he appears at my side. Lmao. He also keeps asking me when I’m going to be in the office. Lol. God, I shouldn’t be amused by this, but I am. Because this could end real bad, considering he’s a higher up. Well, at least working in that location is optional. I can just go to the other office if he’s too annoying.
I met IT guy, when picking up that laptop. We both lamented the long days of sunlight which used to be ours.
Overall, interaction with people was brief. I kept to my work.
And now it’s nine, at night.
It's going to be a sickening long day in the cold of Boston. I have the stupid lady to call and the $300k stupidity to tell the Hydra about.
Wish me luck.
Fucking want to kill everyone today. I haven't been to a decent gynecologist in 10 years and it’s fucking impossible to find one that doesn't want to commit medical malpractice or shove a stick up my cunt when I’m in the middle of a vaginal infection for insurance money.
Don't want to be on this fucking train.
Don't want to talk to anyone today.
The only type of pap smear I want is the one where they club me in the head with it and put me out of my misery.
Well, at work and now I’m just depressed. Which is a good thing, because I’d rather be depressed when talking to a client instead of infuriated.
I just emailed The Hydra about the $300k. I feel like my heart and head’s going to explode.
Still happily depressed. The Hydra said “i wil look into it” so as far as I’m concerned, it's no longer my problem.
The client meeting went alright. I could sense she was a bit pissed because the employee assigned to her changes every year. And people ghost emails a lot. I mean, I ghost a lot. And I will ghost clients a lot, it seems inevitable. Idk how to really handle this, I need advice on when to ghost clients or not…
Am I making sense or am I talking in circles.
...
>You know what's awkward? When you're on an escalator two steps behind a guy with a huge ass and tight pants. The ass is dead center in your line of sight. Do you move closer so the ass is out of your vision, or do you step back? The problem with moving closer is then you're intrusively close to the guy, and if you step back, you take up more room on the escalator.
This happened to me twice today.
...
This pigeon looks like Brewster but he has a stumpy leg. I feel so sad… I just wanna take him home. :( I’m gonna fucking cry. I hate today.
Going home today, trying to get home today, ...
I'm double checking everything, whether I'm on thr right train, whether I'm taking the right exits, whether I'm about to slam into a car or not, and afraid that I'm going to slam into a car when I merge even though I JUST looked and there's no cars around.
But what if there is a car. But what if you hallucinated the train announcement. What if you forgot how to read and you can't read road signs and so you have no idea where you're going, but you think you do.
Home, now, T ordered me pizza and is babying me. I always feel guilt when he spoils me.
I took a gummy. Probably a mistake, but idk what else can lift this headdache. Feels like my brain decided it's going to try to kill itself on its own, since the rest of me doesn't want to.
I know it's the weather. I know it's the weather. I know it's the fucking weather.
There's a lot of things on my mind today... and I keep spacing out (dissociating?). I guess I'm still depressed because Winter. I slept for 10 hrs, and it felt like I needed every minute of it.
Started today pissed at T's family again. I told the Mom I'd--hm, mother-in-law now--I told my mother-in-law that'd I'd paint ceramics with her at some point, but I really don't want to because she's fucking annoying. She's only capable of complaining about her looks and judging whether something/someone looks gross or not. Really annoying to talk to. I struggle to come up with something to say to her in response because the subject matter is so stupid and braindead.
I don't want to create family drama though, so I gotta plan for a time to do that with her in January.
My period has been going on for days. I'm sick of it. Last year I tried getting an IUD, but the doctor misplaced it and it had to be removed. My periods have been extremely prolonged ever since. I have a bad feeling part of my uterus was injured, and I need to get that checked out. ChatGPT said it could affect my fertility and increase my risk for miscarriage. And as we know, a lot more women are dying of miscarriages in this great country of ours because of the misogynists in office.
There's so much shit to do... how am I to stay on top of it all...
Head feels sad, and hurts. Not as bad as a few days ago, but yeah.
I've started playing Horizon Forbbiden West and I feel a lot better, but it makes me not want to go to work at all this week. There's a lot of new games I got during the black friday sale, and Path of Exile 2 came out as well. I just want to retire for a month and play video games, fuck.
As a teenager I used to have an account on youtube that I kept throughout high school. But I deleted it and the email associated with it because of F. This account only matters to me now because I had a giant playlist of songs I enjoyed from back then that I'll never remember the names of.
Just another part of my life that he took from me.
I'm only bringing it up now because I'm looking for CDs for people to gift me, and the recent stuff I listen to aren't on CD. (Gee wonder why.) So I'm trying to look back into what I liked as a teenager, because I listened to more mainstream stuff back then that had CDs burned for them, probably.
I'm coming up with a list of 5 of things I can remember, or that I think would be on CD:
I'm trying to click through youtube recommended stuff hoping I can navigate my way back to things I used to listen to, but don't quite remember the name of. And, nah, foolish endevour. The algorithm bends its knee to lofi and breakcore, and all things from forsakened ages are lost..
I kinda miss G, my old boss. Even though the pay was shit. G would buy the grime-busting sponge with extra fiber for a real clean.
Ah, the characters from my old job.
My head doesn't feel great, and I'm dreading this coming week because I have to commute into Boston for 3 days of it. This weekend doesn't help me relax because all I can think about is Monday.
Also I forgot my meds today and I'm feeling it.
I'm considering making a Bluesky. The ability for an average dumbass like myself to manage and create my own algorithms with ease sounds like something worth knowing how to do, in an era where everything is controlled by an algorithm.
Sounds better than Reddit anyways.
I just realized we're going to have a Friday the 13th this month. :o
why do i have to work again
my vision went blurry for a minute or two. scariest moment of my life. but gpt says it could be a mix of screen fatigue, hunger, dehydration, fatigue in general... im all of those things. head hurts. i should eat, but i don't feel like it.
the blood arrived, mood is better, kindof.
why does my body fail me. why does my head hurt like hell today
have you ever had a sinking feeling that you costed a client an extra $75k in taxes because you inputted someone's sale of their home into the wrong return?
well,
it's not a great feeling buddy.
but they can't prove it was me who did it, which is the silver lining to all of this. in fact, i can't even prove i did it. 3 different people were on that return. i just blame myself because i always blame myself for everything work related.
fuck.
maybe im paranoid. it could've been anyone, why do i blame myself? and fuck, maybe i'll be given a trophy for catching the error
it's the first snow of the season, so im not going out to the post office like i planned.
I have to email clients about estimates and I spent the first 30 minutes of the day panicking about it.
Sigh
I really don’t want to do it, but it’s a simple email. No one is going to yell at me if I try and fail.
Ugh. I have the buddy call today too. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I hate that I keep getting the buddy calls, even though she’s a nice person, and clearly interested in socializing with me. I should be grateful, but not this month.
The Hydra rolled his eyes at me a while back and hasn’t talked to me since. I hope I’m still on good terms with him. I’m nervous about that.
Speaking of which, I fucking love hydras. One of the creatures of all time.
Oh thank fuck. Bonus depreciation is going away 2027. Fuck these rich asshats. And I guess Trump can’t do anything about the NOL limitation. They can go fuck themselves.
I keep crying. Sometimes when I get anxious about something going on in my life, I find something painful in my memory to think about. To distract myself from the anxiety, I return to the deeper, more painful emotional wound I carry with me: F.
I don't know why he played with my feelings so much. I don't know why he pretended to care about me, when I was worth nothing to him.
I don't think I can say I hate A anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did, but I'm not angry at him anymore. He's just your typical dumbass manlet. F treated me like a toy, and tossed me aside when I stopped being what he wanted. A palatable girl who never questioned his behavior.
I don't want to work today, at all.
I can't, not though. I got fired from my first job because I got like this, and stopped working for several months until they found out.
Maybe I should play my game a bit. Reset my brain. Idk.
i did not do much at all today. every thought i have im second guessing, whether it's a real memory or not. i do this a lot, but im usually able to ignore it. how do you know if what you remember actually happened, if the memory no longer exists in the present, in a tangible form?
i NEED a sensitive bad boy with a mysterious past to save me. he MUST smell like sweat but in a good way. he HAS to be jacked, with pecs so large i can fall asleep on them and disappear forever. he needs to be FUNNY in a way only we'll understand. in a way that binds us forever, deep into each other's hearts. there has to be love, and pain, and bliss, and unending rain. his dick has to be a massive girthy log but not too massive. he needs to be intelligent. he needs to be pathetic. he can make me wet with words alone and cums at the right time. he has to torture me. yeah, i don't want him to be nice to me. i want him to shatter me.
world's fucking bullshit. huge emo dudes with hot eyebrow piercings and tattoos should be readily available for pick up at the nearest Target.
why is the internet FUCKING ASLEEP on GIGACHAD BUT EMO?!?!!?!?
it's because they've never fucked
no girls on the internet? no virgins irl, they're all online.
i say all this shit, but in reality? in reality, despite all claims of the contrary. the type of man that will make me weak at the knees, the type of man i can't resist
is tony soprano
I wonder how many mg of Prozac Tony Soprano is on and if we're Prozac twinnies in that sense.
My head feels like it was hit with a sledgehammer, but I’m not anxious anymore. Don’t know what that was.
Because of yesterday, I have to detox from bothering A again. It’s addictive. I see one of his posts, I send in a joke via anon, I go back to see if he responded, I see another one of his posts, I send in a joke—
Cycles like that.
T would kill me if he knew.
I’ll get my ass out of this soon enough. I hope.
I shouldn’t be writing during work, but I have today to decide whether we should go to my company’s winter outing.
Pros:
Cons:
Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna go.
Ate lunch, googled info about Toronto abortions, going to get my passport tomorrow.
God save us.
I'm doing continuing education readings over estate and gift taxes, and it's so boring. But I'm doing my first 706 soon so I have to prepare for it.
I've mentioned I have many bosses I could get work from, because of the way large accounting firms are structured. Instead of referring to each of them individually, all will be combined into an amalgamation called The Hydra, unless a reason arises for one head to have a singular identity.
The Hydra who gave me the 706 had a stone face when I told him I haven't worked on one before. Well, here's to hoping he hasn't judged me too hard for that.
grocery store trip. the apartment is slowly getting gross and grosser, so i felt like i had to do something useful. i feel bad for being weak.
i feel like there's something i should say, but i don't know what it is.
i wonder if my anxiety about politics is just an excuse to keep running. i've been running all my life. ive ran from my mom since i was a small child. when i turned 18, i was finally able to physically run from her. i ran from everyone i knew in high school, from my hometown, to a college far away. after graduating, i ran from texas. even when i needed to move in with parents, i still ran from mine, and opted for T's. then i ran from T's as well--the father hates me, maybe the mother does too.
i feel like i have to constantly improve, sharpen myself, keep a healthy body and mind, so i can be ready to run again. i wish i could stop. i don't know why i try so hard to keep going. even if i didn't have J, i think it's so baked into me to run that i wouldn't let myself get swallowed up. id still be doing stupid shit with lamps, and id still be writing here.
i don't do what i do for status, or to make a statement, or for attention. i do it so i can have the resources to continue running.
these last few paragraphs feel like shit. i don't know why im still writing here. there is still something that needs to be said that i don't have the words for. some sort of pain that can't be described.
it’s 7am. i didnt sleep well last night because i was visited by the gargoyle, and i woke up in the middle of the night because it’s cold.
i did exercise this morning though, because i was already awake anyways. im on track towards exercising 3 days a week like i used to.
i started feeling the anxiety again when i took my meds this morning. im thinking of not taking them tomorrow to see whether they're the problem.
i'm bathing now, as i write this. i open a google doc on my phone and copy/paste later on my laptop into virtual studio. gpt wraps the text in p tags.
i’ll try to do something at work today, but im not going into the office unless someone assigns me something. i’ll go fucking nuts with boredom.
i wish i could run errands today, but im nervous about completely abandoning my work laptop. i don't think i should do that.
i should draw more, even if i don't have an idea of what to draw. im thinking of tracing art i like, so i can learn new ways to add detail to my drawings. im not very good at details. maybe i’ll practice shading too.
sorry this entry is just a rapid fire of thoughts that don't really flow together. idk. im not trying to write my magnum opus here.
GTA V is a blatant rip off of The Sopranos.
period is in two-ish days.
gets me every fucking time
1.7 million dollar tax refund. That's the biggest fucking donger I've ever seen.
i can't believe i got assigned actual work when all i want to do is lay down and die. because of this i annoyed A alot today, but i think he can deal with it
did annoying A lessen the panic attack? no. did it make me feel better? momentarily. was it more fun than cleaning the bird cage? yes. did it help me get work done? no. am i nervous about whether im falling behind? yes. am i really falling behind? doubt it. does my stomach hurt from the smell of bird shit? yes.
Gargoyle time again. I think whatever feeling has overtaken me the past few days is starting to wane, but I'm never one to get my hopes up. I guess considering my period is on it's way, my problems aren't with my medication.
I often feel like this blog is a mere description of me balancing the humors of my mind, day in and day out.
There is great news that happened to me today other than my mental torture: My neighbor C, (I don't think I have a C yet.) I finally got to meet her. I've written about her in here back in October: I wanted to give her a little gift box of snacks. That never happened because I'd come by when she wasn't home. But finally, after slipping letters back and forth to each other under the door, we finally got to meet.
We talked for only about 10 minutes, because we're both tax accountants working from home, technically on the clock. Bizarre. I'm assuming she's a bit younger than me by about 4-5 years, because she said she just graduated college and has a position lower than mine. Holy shit though! She said we should meet up for coffee some time. I think Tf would like her too--we can have our weird little accounting girls group.
I couldn't imagine myself talking to people like this 4 years ago. I spent most of my life alone, both because of fear and disinterest. The disinterest was more insidious, and held me back longer than the fear. Why? The fear was sourced from something obvious and external: the bullying I've faced. Once my environment changed, it quickly became silly and inhibiting to me, logically, to hold on to that fear.
But the disinterest? Or is it disgust, even? I've felt a lot of disgust towards people, and I think I still do if I'm to be honest. I don't think it's a natural level of disgust though. I can't imagine a world without people feeling somewhat disgusted by each other, unfortunately. If we could go without disgust, and we should always try, but, we wouldn't be human anymore. We'd be a greater lifeform.
This is going off-topic.
I don't think I feel a natural, or healthy, level of disgust. It burns deep. If I listen to it, I end up completely alone, disgusted by everyone. No one ever being "deep" or "intellectual" enough. Which is incredibly ironic if you contrast that to my actual taste in men.
I blame part of it on whatever gives my Mom and her ancestors their signature temper. I could blame it all on her, but I'd be lying to myself about my hubris. I genuinely think I'm smarter than most people, and I feel hate and disgust towards people I don't perceive as smart, like me. Though a more accurate statement would probably be, "I feel hatred and disgust towards people not like me." For some reason my brain wants to insert the word "smart" in there. Referencing intelligence is a more civilized way of saying, "I don't like people who aren't like me," I guess. In my head.
I don't like people who aren't like me. That's a new, more honest statement than what I've been telling myself for years.
It's sadly a knee-jerk reaction I have to swallow when I meet people. It's also completely nonsensical. Ask it, "when is someone "like you" enough?" and this emotion couldn't give you an answer.
God, what a terrible time to be writing something like this. It's 10pm and I'm on 5 hours of sleep. I'm falling asleep as I write.
I've been getting better at being aware of it, I think. I don't trust my first judgments about people because they convey a more negative perception than what is really the case. Especially so with people in real life. And I think me getting better with that is why I'm slowly picking up more people to talk to.
I hope.
...
Yet I still feel incredibly cynical about people generally.
...
My thoughts are getting tied up in contradictions. This is something I should think about more at a later time.
It's another slow day. I don't even know why I dread work days because I spend half of those days doing nothing. The amount of care I can muster into looking like I'm doing something is waning.
Fine.
This morning my throat is scratchy, and it feels like I'm suffocating. Physically.
If this website hits the front page, I'm gonna delete it probably and remake. It would be too weird to have this thing front and center on the site, with all the stupid ass thoughts in here. I have a feeling I'm going to hit it at some point; it hasn't even been a year and I'm at 20k views.
Idk who reads this, but I guess some people are. I guess some bots are, too. I'm happy you enjoy it, bots and people alike.
still anxious as hell
T's anxious as hell too. I wonder what it could possibly fucking be this time.
still anxious. its been like this all day. god's punishment for existing.
i sat in front of the happy lamp earlier and it didn't do much. it seems to help for about an hour, maybe two.
T's probably getting a new job that pays a lot more, but we'll see. That's what the anxiety is over. Man they must've really fucking screwed up at his previous job if they're trying to get him back this hard.
I wish I could calm down but I'm not sure how.
One of the books I bought came in, and I was able to read a small snippet about meditation today. I guess I'll try that.
Nah I still feel fucked. All I can hope for is sleep to fix me.
The meditation book I'm reading says not to swallow your thoughts and feelings, but notice them as you rest.
I noticed my thoughts on HR benefit elections. T and I were manuvering earlier today to find the cheapest way to get health insurance for the both of us.
Underneath that, underneath the day-to-day errands and tasks that bump around in my mind, there's darker thoughts. I thought about F. It feels inevitable that one day I'll track him down. I kind of wish I could now. I want nothing more other than to kick the living shit out of him.
The voices are chiming in saying to not do that.
I get so tired of staying disciplined.
With thoughts like these, and half serious jokes about stealing pill bottles, you know it's getting bad. All I can do about it is know it's getting bad. People will try to peddle drugs and therapy sessions, but I already know this is a stupid thing that happens at this time of year, and there's no deeper meaning behind it. I can sit down and ruminate all day on F and never get an answer, and then ruminate some more, and then ruminate some more, over and over again. There's no point in thinking that hard about it. It's probably all physiological; the emotions a meaningless reaction to the physical.
God kill me if I have to change my dose again. Shouldn't I just learn to suck it up, eventually?
A lot of visions of quicksand.
There were other things that I don't remember. It's hard noticing and remembering what's crossed my mind during meditation. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be like this or not, if I'm doing it right.
The thoughts in my head are so loud and vivid sometimes, that I lose awareness of whatever else I was thinking about. Sometimes my vision gets out of focus, and my body starts moving as if I'm in the vision in my head. Sometimes the visions hurt so much that I sob.
... I still feel shit.
please i just want it to end
Retiring Fall's entries from this page makes me wonder how many words I've written in here. Fall's produced 2600 lines of html. The amount of lines I've written is the closest I'll get to an answer.
I'm getting faster switching entries around. :) Also I figured out loading="lazy" on images, so maybe that'll help with performance.
The whole reason why I retire entries is because the page starts lagging if I write continuously. If anyone doesn't know, you can find old reels on the left nativation box.
Some people on here try not to use javascript. Personally, I cannot imagine the navigation pane without javascript. The reason why I implemented it is because I wanted one place to update all my links instead of having to update every page I've ever created. There's a lot of pages. I'm bound to forget to update some of them. I'm even having trouble remembering to update the css and js files in side folders I have in the Neocities edit page.
I'm not a real coder though. Maybe they know something I don't about updating html links.
Last night was stressful, but I made some progress connecting with Tf more. I was surprised how much we have in common on our views of the afterlife. Which is to not worry about it. It'll be what it is, and we'll all figure it out eventually. I haven't met someone with a similar view as I on that. Most are convinced there's either an afterlife or nothing.
Je and T went off into their own little world talking about Je's problems. It kinda pissed me off that they didn't try to include the rest of us, especially Tf. Tf and I made the best of it though, which I appreciate.
If I didn't know T better, I'd be worried about how close him and Je are getting, even though Je's a lesbian. Idk. It's also quite rich of me to worry about with T and Je, isn't it?
It doesn't seem like I'll have to pop into Je's life and help with the kids though, considering she hasn't brought it up again.
Tf invited T and I to a board game night on the 15th, which will both be great and terrible because my mental health will probably be fucked. However, I have to go because I don't get opportunities to go out with people often. In fact, my voice hurts from last night still. We were basically shouting in the bar last night to hear each other, and also my voice isn't used to talking for extended periods of time.
Boring night, but I did spend $60 on the steam sale, and got 6 games out of it. Pretty noice. Why am I not playing them rn? I guess I'm burned out on games tonight. I'll be taking a break from the rogue-lite I've been playing.
Kinda stupid of me to buy more games when I'm burned out.
Trying to figure out what to do tonight. I took a gummy, which doesn't help, because I'm tempted to do read a book but who the fuck does that high?
Should I try to write something deep? This journal--it does not say much about my views of the world. Which hurts my mysterious, kafkaesque appeal. Do you think people are going to sit down after work, and read some lad's journal about her gym routine? Nah. Boring shit. Where's the drama?
So, very well. I will write an emotional thriller, containing my insights about the universe and the nature of existence.
...
Nah, nope. Nevermind.
"Why?"
Because I can't take this seriously enough to not start with a joke.
...
I think that about sums it up. I'm going to go look at bracelets.
"Maybe you should actually write something."
... eh. Everyone's got something to say on it, why bother throwing my hat in? There's more than enough people with an opinion out there, and they're all fucking annoying about it.
"But when's the last time you've really thought about it?"
Listen, there's so many people in the world, one of them probably has the right answer. So go ask him.
don't make an ass of you and me
spongebobfishlookingbackwards.jpg
Happy to see you too 8th grade memory. Have you ever watched that movie, actually?
"Yes, we're in the same body and everything I see is what you see. But back to my main point, maybe you should write something."
Does anyone else have the voices thing going on in their head? It's annoying. Anyways, this is a nice bracelet.
"Don't you think it's a problem that you don't really have much to say on it?"
What does it matter what I think? Things will happen the way they want to, regardless of what I think of it.
"Do you believve in destiny?"
I don't think it's possible for me to tell which of the decisions in my life were made of free will and which were fated. There's nothing free about that shackle. Don't you think, with our interconnected world, that it would be egotistical to think that there is a will that is free to exist outside of it? A self? A soul? And what does it matter, if I think there's no free will? We shoot through this spanse of time once, with no way to re-experience it, so how do we know actual choices exist out there? And you don't care about my opinion on free will.
"No I don't. We've been over this before."
Haven't found anything that calls for me the change this
"The dilemma over whether choices exist brings up the question as to what defines existence."
Ah god can you =_= can you shut the fuck up?
"Are you afraid of writing anything? Are you afraid of coming across as annoying?"
I don't really think that's it.
"May I direct you to the title of this site?"
...
"It's clearly obvious you have some sort of opinion. You have opinions on everything, you can't help thinking of them and letting them pop up in conversation whether people want them to or not. But when I ask you directly, you act as if you're beyond that."
I want to be. Opnions are useless to hold. The most popular people are the ones who change them at the drop of a hat. I just want company, I just want to feel good. I just want my base physiological needs fulfilled so waiting for death is less painful.
I'm not living, I'm just killing time
I wish I could stop trying to make sense of things. Other people don't care whether they believe in contradictions, maybe I shouldn't care either. Caring about things leads to a lonely life.
So no, you're not gonna get me to come up with another tiresome opinion on something.
"Your opinion piece on crypto, top left."
A low point in my life that does not define me.
"You've made plans to go to the DemSoc meeting in December."
Thanks for bringing that up. I'll make sure to not bother going so I don't mentally hurt myself.
"You enjoy being an opinionated cunt."
It's not good for me. Shut up.