Status: abnormally horny. Having rape fantasies about F and then killing myself.

It's been a looooooong while since I last couldn't get F off my mind. I'm happy it's been so long since the last time, but it sure is paralyzing when I get like this. Brain can't function; everything takes longer to do.

I can't tell if I'm horny or angry, maybe it's 80/20. All I know is, violently raping him and then killing myself would be extremely satisfying right now. Or, alternatively, I just kill myself without the sex. That would also satisfy me.

I'm always quietly suicidal, so, even though I haven't talked about this in a while, it's not major news. I'm always looking for an excuse to do it. I just need one major fuck up in my life with the people I love to push me over the edge. But that day never comes, because I'm too good at adulting, there's not many people I love so my chances are smaller, but most importantly, the primary motivator behind all my actions is guilt. So it's hard for me to be selfish, and sabotage myself by hurting the people I love.

I'm not innocent; I've done a lot of terrible, insane things. Or just completely callous actions, especially as a teenager who believed I was infallible.

... I'm starting to feel better, so I'm gonna drop that subject. Sorry to anybody dying to hear me talk about it for the millionth time.

Work is dead again. I didn't do anything yesterday, and it doesn't seem like I'll be doing anything today either. I did a lot of cleaning and errand running in the meanwhile. My bedroom is still only half clean but it's way better than last week, and I went on a walk to the grocery store yesterday because the weather's been beautiful.

I've been obsessed with a roguelike called Caves of Qud. It's labelled as a traditional roguelike and has no meta-progression system. It plays a lot like Pokemon Mystery Dungeon. I'm probably going to be playing that all day.

plants

I get tired of hearing myself with the same sarcastic shit I’m always pulling.

No, I haven’t been feeling great. I’ve been staring; at the floor, at the ceiling, at the wall. The white wall, the white wall that’s always been there. Greeting you at every new institution. I think we basically, live, in an institution. The room doesn’t end with a wall but connects as a sphere. But we don’t see it. We only see the wall. We walk towards it, and think we’re getting somewhere, but we’re going in a circle. A mirage.

T gave me a dirty look for not having sex with him tonight. I don’t know. I can’t concentrate on anything. I tried drawing today, and I was unhappy. I don’t think I got anywhere with what I’m working on. It feels hard trying to get into a comfortable rhythm with the lines.

I’ve been working on drawing this, but not as large:

I want to simplify this flower down into something teeny tiny, so I can draw millions of them on a page. But I just can’t get the damn shape right.

I’m honestly spending too long on such a tiny detail of a drawing, right? I must’ve drawn 50 of these. And only facing one direction. :) so that means i still need to learn to draw 50 more facing the other way.

I never end up getting anything done because I’m like this. i hyperfocus on perfecting every detail. im nuts. why am i like this? so self critical.

i think i know my medication is failing, and that i should fix it. but what if i don't? i spent so much of my life fighting. all the inertia from my pushing could probably get me to live until i meet the veil of death.

i could sink into a barely alive state, with light skating over the water of my empty eyes. i could fall into myself and drown. if you sink deep enough the light can't shine, you can't see, and so you don't know how much time has passed. you're ina world of no time, and maybe that's what i want.

ah, so, im basically misty from yellowjackets. cool. i love it when there's representation of me, and it it looks like, im going to be the evil bitch. sweet

people are fucking with me
again...
i don't care. seat's open, sir.

New friend questionnaire:

• "If you went to a Christmas Furry Convention, what manger scene animal would you dress as?"
• Say "myopic mycology" ten times fast

check out my mold:

#mymold

bruh

i feel so numb and unmotivated. it feels like someone turned me into sludge

i had personalized ads turned on by accident in reddit. the weird thing was they felt scarier while they were personalized. once i flipped the switch off, the ads turned generic.

Well I forgot the header to the below post, and I also forgot which day I wrote it, so. I probably wrote it on the 23rd. Maybe.

It's been a bad week. I broke down yesterday about the Tylenol-Autism thing in politics. Ofc I only hear of it second hand through memes. Idk whether reading any actual articles on it would make me feel better or worse. I'm afraid for J. Everyone says he'll be alright, and he has a better shot than most. I'm afraid of the autism shit becoming a scare, and my brother getting caught up in it. I should really be trying to get out of this country with him.

"J's a hard worker, you have your family, etc." Same qualities as the immigrants, and now they're getting chased out.

I feel incredibly uninformed and vulnerable, when I should be informed. Another thing to add to the bucket of personal failures.

J is my brother, and he has probably level 2.5-3 autism. (Weird how they call it levels now... though I think these labels are more useful than what he originally got: PDDNOS.) I'm only alive to support him in life, otherwise I wouldn't bother.

He's basically Forrest Gump. You know the touchdown scene, when he lands it but keeps running out of the stadium? During my Grandfather's wake, J went up to the tomb, and laid his hand upon it. Brows furrowed... his frown so stern and grim. I never seen anything like it. I wonder what was going through his head. I don't think I've ever seen my brother so in control of his pain. You know, up to this point, I've just kind of assumed he didn't really understand this funeral and what was going on. That he saw this gesture in a movie, and was replicating it. What if he really was in pain, though?

So much strange shit going on with him lately. It's like he's waking up, a bit. I'm tearing up thinking about it...

Sorry. J laid his hands on the casket, and let them rest... and rest... and rest....... and rest.............

What a strange moment in my life. I haven't been visiting him enough.

I was getting f r e a k y buti noticed there were hives on my hand, so I spent the past hour and a half thinking I was going to die. Because of substances. Interesting experience, 6/10. The lightheadedness is notttt fun though.

She's here! :) Her name is Medli

oh my god im so done with today. my head is fucking k i l l i n g me. i need to drain the boner from my head.

why would T say he knows how to make weed brownies, and then totally and utterly deny my request to make them? that;s just fucking sad. that's a bullet through the heart.

oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's time to commit mariticide

as tax professionals we are all ready and prepared to answer our phones at any time because we have no life. and i should not start doing that when im high on a friday night.

getting better at life: i drew a tree.

but christ im bored. working sucks and it's boring. you know i had a good 5 years of working and adulting, and mildly enjoyed accounting, but yep. ship's gone.

if i have to enter another fucking K-1 im going to kill myself. wtf is wrong with this firm. the K fucking 1s are all we do.

i could do microbiology-inspired art

bagbingbong. i bought a microscope. we will be looking at pigeon shit and the mold that's growing on my curtain. it'll be so cool to tell the people at work!

i could make moisturizers, and facial chemicals

what if we built a microscope in our eyeballs? we could fully immmerse ourselves in a microscopic world. do you think there's microscopes attached to VR headsets yet?

what if we did one eye for microscopes, and the other for telescopes? we wouldn't need a spaceship to visit the cosmos, nor a shrinking ship to visit the microcosm. the microship, if you will.

we could stand next to an aomeba with the left eye, and a martian glacier with the right eye

there should be an amoeba type in pokemon thats weak to normal and strong against fairy and grass

(why was i depressed yesterday, im getting a new bird soon)

ever just feel like never doing anything hard ever again? because i do. ... i think the wendy's burger is sitting weird in my stomach.

i can't wait until it's a month from now and i don't have to worry about work.

i guess the fall anime season is starting because F watched 30 episodes of anime in a single day again. over 30, actually.

there are two ways i check to see if F is still alive: 1. updates to his MAL profile 2. updates to his github repositories. for a while there weren't any updates to either one. was i worried? nah, because i knew at some point the fall anime season would return, and the ticker on his MAL page is the real test to see if he's dead or alive.

the checking is getting bad because im stressed at work. felt shit yesterday, obviously, because of work too. im too tired to do anything other than sit and wait for the next work day to begin.

A did everyone a favor by disappearing off the face of the earth. id rather have one guy to deal with this shit with than two.

my rage, perfectly framed
alongside your dearest work

what do you think it means?...
lets go visit that structure again
we both have our monuments, don't we?

... geez that was a mistake:

it would be cool if this whole thing was put is some super secret ai machine. and these words are the Originator of a Mechanism that strips the world.

i wonder what's the largest secret of this world. what is something little known, but impacts everyone. what is the thing in the dark.

i don't think it can be known. i think it can only be felt

(anime game go sword)

misamodsso lalalaala

ive been missing him more because of work. i wish he could just respawn in my life. he'll always hurt

i need to ask IT guy what video games he's stuck on. though he won't answer.

.... i should kill F before he kills me

homo blowmo of my cock

this metaphor gamr is gonna make me in sane because of the music. hard pass on this background singer

i dont know what can top that greet death album, im obsessed.

i need a cd burner on my computer so i can just do that when im real lazy. T is always using his (no judgment)

who already used my email for a last.fm account? my secret personal email for the government?

oh, gross, i was using that username. ahhh, do i really want to remember my password?

ok i guess tonight's goal is to clean a last.fm account that's been left to the dust since 2014.

everyone likes dick a little bit, im convinced

i really miss you

i should kill you before you kill me

how can anyone be bothered by anything else than this? how do they not sit in this pain? i feel this pain is an inevitable part of life. yet there's little talk of it. it's something so terrible, yet we've normalized it.

F, you didnt teach me what a scrobbler was. you didn't even tell me the point of the site. i just made an account because you told me to. do you know much faith i had in you?

faith and love must be the same thing.

what am i supposed to do

damn, i must be reaaaaaally stressed out because all i can think about is sex

there's a new pigeon. coming soon. she's flying towards us

depressed and sad times. depressed and sad times forever. i wish i could kill myself. im so tired of pretending to be okay with how lonely i feel. i want t to go away forever. i utterly failed at living. everyone i love is gone. and i am alone. i dont want to be on this world.

i wish i could leave my job, and run away. i wish there was someone to run towards. all i have is the water, rushing towards me.

i seriously cannot imagine a worse backdrop to my deprression than "hi-yah!" anime sounds.

do you think im okay? is it bad that ive just stopped pretending? i don't want to pretend anymore.

girlies i dropped my laptop three times and my vibrator died

making a meme about that doesnt help turn the vibrator back on

im lonely and i want friends to send memes to, smh.

check out this cool image i found
...
ihaventbeenfeelingwelllately

i could go streaking at my company, and my existence still wouldn't register to other people. i could take a shit on someone's desk and nothing would happen.

my existence means very little, and fails to make an impact on people, and i don't know why.

im going to california this year.... that is what i'll do. come hell or high water. im doing it this fall.

my face is all tense from working earlier and because of that it fucking hurts...

nah im good now

opening and closing the amazon cart all week, and buying all your shit on friday? such a dopamine hit

fuckery fuckerino my ear hurts. the ear infection that ebbs and flows out my life is particularly bad this time.

i can't seem to calm down. i want to run around in 30 different directions. there's something anxious within me and im easily irritated. i have to force myself to sit down and relax.

i wonder if this is hypomania

ok i think there's going to be a civil war, and there's going to be a lot of death. how do i know this? people are already joking about it. there was a genocide once, and a lot of it was fueled by these two newcasters that were cracking uh... genocidal jokes i guess.

when people joke about it, it becomes real. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

The status read: “If you are having any technical issues please contact technicalissues@simonsimon.com” The corporate version of a “fuck off” but she was still messaging him anyways. He didn’t understand, and she pretended she didn’t understand.

Nothing she does really matters. She knew her words would spill out and get ignored, so she’s started saying just about anything. The chances of her words to land were slim. Because of that, she knew surrender better than the religious.

Albert’s still optimistic, which is why he stared at the influx of messages with the stillness of a frozen screen. He saw in a meme once, “Basic neurology: freeze and problem won’t see you,” and it became fact.

She knew there was bad gossip about Albert around the company: being too quiet and losing his temper with people who forgot their password. But that’s okay because his undesirable personality matched hers. When she still thought she had any control over her life, she was also quiet. “Choke yourself, and the problem won’t hear you.”

She was optimistic Albert would understand her one day. Someday, everyone will see the event horizon of their lives, and realize all they had done didn’t matter.

—

I can’t deny the canyon’s beauty. I can’t help but wonder, if I let the whole thing crack open, what I’d find inside.

many do not ponder their solitude.

i wonder why so many are afraid to die alone. birth and death have to be the most universal experiences in existence. at the moment of death you're the most like anyone else

maybe earth is poking your head out the water of some other lower, unconscious existence. only holding on for so long until you sink beneath the foam and waves. we reach for the air in desperation, so we don't fall into a oneness.

my third eye is going tonight

i feel insecure about myself
there's definitely some country undertones to this album
this song is so painful

you have to be careful with music high

it's hard to continue romantic, fanciful writing, because im essentially asking myself what would i dream of if it weren't for my practicality?

im finding out how much it hurts to dream, after a long bout of quiet sleep.