WC - The Thought Reel

(why was i depressed yesterday, im getting a new bird soon)

ever just feel like never doing anything hard ever again? because i do. ... i think the wendy's burger is sitting weird in my stomach.

i can't wait until it's a month from now and i don't have to worry about work.

i guess the fall anime season is starting because F watched 30 episodes of anime in a single day again. over 30, actually.

there are two ways i check to see if F is still alive: 1. updates to his MAL profile 2. updates to his github repositories. for a while there weren't any updates to either one. was i worried? nah, because i knew at some point the fall anime season would return, and the ticker on his MAL page is the real test to see if he's dead or alive.

the checking is getting bad because im stressed at work. felt shit yesterday, obviously, because of work too. im too tired to do anything other than sit and wait for the next work day to begin.

A did everyone a favor by disappearing off the face of the earth. id rather have one guy to deal with this shit with than two.

my rage, perfectly framed
alongside your dearest work

what do you think it means?...
lets go visit that structure again
we both have our monuments, don't we?

... geez that was a mistake:

why didn't you just admit to it. why did you put me through years of wondering and feeling awful.

i want to stop gazing backwards. i want this to stop filling my mind. i used to be able to imagine worlds and color, but my mind is filled with this instead. my creativity is gone.

we're getting old. do you feel it? have you accepted it? it took everything i could muster to accept it. there are doors that are closed to me, things ive wanted to experience. and they'll remain closed forever. it's partly because of the scarcity of time, and the capacity of our bodies. the fact that when you choose to do one thing, you're giving up the time to do another. (called the opportunity cost in economics) but you have to admit, something is wrong with people. people go about their whole lives limiting themselves, and so our experiences by extension are limited.

the road ahead of me is solidified.. it's probably more concrete now than its ever been. i can see what i'll be doing for the next 40, 50 years, unless something catastrophic happens to my life. (i think throwing my life away again would be the most likely catastrophe to happen to me. my greatest enemy is myself) it's scary to think about walking down a road like that for such a long period of time, where the options of new places and experiences grow more limited by the day. it's like one of those bone straight roads leading out to the middle of nowhere, and less and less crossroads appear as you travel further.

i managed to dig myself out of the hole i threw myself into career-wise. i just accepted a really well paying job, hybrid 2 days in office, 20 min from my apartment. hybrid's perfect for me. though another place wants to interview me and if i get an offer that job is six figures. which is crazy. i don't feel like im worth much of anything. my brain screams at me that i don't deserve money. i fell like im only worth 7 dollars an hour and im constantly fighting that part of myself so i dont ruin my life. i feel like a sham a lot of the time

m getting married soon. i haven't told anyone, but the idea of adopting a kid in five to ten years has been growing on me. (though i'll still probably not do that) i probably shouldn't have kids actually; im fucking crazy. i feel so ridiculously old. i dont have anyone to talk to because of it. everyone's on the internet, and the internet is constantly screaming about shit that doesn't matter. things i could care less about.

even though the road is long in years, a long road of doing the same thing most days, the good news is i believe it will be shorter than we think because of how we perceive time. years speed up as we age. it might be fair to say that right now is the halfway point. i think i'll be as ready as i'll ever be, for time to race on by. it's inevitable, anyways; you can spend the time ignoring it, trying to stop it, or accepting the fact.

...

hows life f

it would be cool if this whole thing was put is some super secret ai machine. and these words are the Originator of a Mechanism that strips the world.

i wonder what's the largest secret of this world. what is something little known, but impacts everyone. what is the thing in the dark.

i don't think it can be known. i think it can only be felt

(anime game go sword)

misamodsso lalalaala

ive been missing him more because of work. i wish he could just respawn in my life. he'll always hurt

i need to ask IT guy what video games he's stuck on. though he won't answer.

.... i should kill F before he kills me

homo blowmo of my cock

this metaphor gamr is gonna make me in sane because of the music. hard pass on this background singer

i dont know what can top that greet death album, im obsessed.

i need a cd burner on my computer so i can just do that when im real lazy. T is always using his (no judgment)

who already used my email for a last.fm account? my secret personal email for the government?

oh, gross, i was using that username. ahhh, do i really want to remember my password?

ok i guess tonight's goal is to clean a last.fm account that's been left to the dust since 2014.

everyone likes dick a little bit, im convinced

i really miss you

i should kill you before you kill me

how can anyone be bothered by anything else than this? how do they not sit in this pain? i feel this pain is an inevitable part of life. yet there's little talk of it. it's something so terrible, yet we've normalized it.

F, you didnt teach me what a scrobbler was. you didn't even tell me the point of the site. i just made an account because you told me to. do you know much faith i had in you?

faith and love must be the same thing.

what am i supposed to do

fuckery fuckerino my ear hurts. the ear infection that ebbs and flows out my life is particularly bad this time.

i can't seem to calm down. i want to run around in 30 different directions. there's something anxious within me and im easily irritated. i have to force myself to sit down and relax.

i wonder if this is hypomania

ok i think there's going to be a civil war, and there's going to be a lot of death. how do i know this? people are already joking about it. there was a genocide once, and a lot of it was fueled by these two newcasters that were cracking uh... genocidal jokes i guess.

when people joke about it, it becomes real. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

The status read: “If you are having any technical issues please contact technicalissues@simonsimon.com” The corporate version of a “fuck off” but she was still messaging him anyways. He didn’t understand, and she pretended she didn’t understand.

Nothing she does really matters. She knew her words would spill out and get ignored, so she’s started saying just about anything. The chances of her words to land were slim. Because of that, she knew surrender better than the religious.

Albert’s still optimistic, which is why he stared at the influx of messages with the stillness of a frozen screen. He saw in a meme once, “Basic neurology: freeze and problem won’t see you,” and it became fact.

She knew there was bad gossip about Albert around the company: being too quiet and losing his temper with people who forgot their password. But that’s okay because his undesirable personality matched hers. When she still thought she had any control over her life, she was also quiet. “Choke yourself, and the problem won’t hear you.”

She was optimistic Albert would understand her one day. Someday, everyone will see the event horizon of their lives, and realize all they had done didn’t matter.

—

I can’t deny the canyon’s beauty. I can’t help but wonder, if I let the whole thing crack open, what I’d find inside.

9/14/25

9/13/25

9/12/25

9/9/25

9/5/25

9/2/25

9/1/25