WC - The Thought Reel

i have to go to the dentist today. it sucks. im sitting here waiting for the time to start driving.

and now im sitting in the office. i need to sign up for another psych appointment, not because i need it, but because i skipped the last one. and ill need refills forever.

T also needs his eyes checked. he’s been complaining about vision problems. i hope he doesn't pretend to be invincible and go to work instead.

it's really annoying that i have to schedule his doctor's appointments like he's a toddler, because he can't figure it out himself for some reason.

waiting here is insufferable. i hate going to the dentist. i hate every medical appointment in general.

8:35pm apparently, ive been sitting in bed for hours. i think T is knocked out cold in the living room. im not happy. i wish i was high.

that's a basic summary of how ive felt all week. im not even sure what can help me. what do i want the most right now? that return to be out of my life forever. do i want to work on it? no.

i have a laundry list of thoughts running through my head, and it's all the usual thoughts. i get tired of hearing them and writing them. im lonely, i wish my life was more exciting, i can't believe i have decades more of this to live. i dread it.

i made a mistake marrying. all this shit is just getting suppressed by antidepressants, but it's still there.

ive long stayed with T out of guilt. i worry about what would happen to him if i left. now it's even fucking worse because we're married. everything i do is out of guilt: my obligation to my brother, to T. it's all driven by the fear of guilt. i just can't fucking handle it. my life sucks right now at work because i feel guilty about the return. even though no one gives a fuck other than me. why do i feel guilty all the time, why do i feel guilt so easily, why is everything in my life an attempt to avoid feeling any potential guilt...

me flirting

7/31/25

7/30/25

7/29/25

i will never be as beautiful as the anime woman

uhm... week sucks so far... return hurts my head. ive been taking advil every day, stressing for no reason, even though no one at this job cares about my existence or my work.

my laptop is falling apart because i dropped it too many times.

maybe F would've dated me if i was an anime woman... he probably wouldve, right? damn, can't believe i didnt think of that...

i finished watching paranoia agent--that's what i was watching yesterday--and yeah it's good, i have some chicken scratch written down about it, but i dont wanna finish that yet. the anime made me cry twice. im getting more fragile as the years wear on.

maybe i should lie down, relax, hope this headache goes away...

god won't even let me cum....
worst week of my life.

icecre,m/

BREWSTER CLIMBED THE CAT TOWER

YAY YIPPIE YAYAYAY YAY YAY

they won't even let me talk to my malewife.
and the highs keep getting shorter

they should make weed icecream.
probably exists

birds are going hard... walked up to me tonight. discovered more areas of the cat tower. im so proud of them.
Brew's really getting excited about the feet again
do you think F has a foot fetish?
...
i hope F has a foot fetish. i hope the only way he can get off is getting kicked in the face.
i hope his dick lost feeling
i hope he has erectile dysfunction

do NOT start a parasocial relationship with a porn star, you fuck!
lol i almost wrote paranormal

WHY DO I HAVE FUCKING EMOTIONS??!?!?! ffffuuuuuuuuaaaaaaCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

7/28/25

7/27/25

7/25/25

I have a pulsating headache, and I have important things to consider and do, but I can't do a fucking thing today because of it.

It's awful.

It's much like the Welbutrin headaches I once got. Except I didn't take any.

Ah shit, I have phone calls to make... meals on wheels, scheduling the next psychiatrist appointment, paying the bill for the last appointment.

Fuck...

You know what's nice though? I'm no longer the only person in A's circle with the obsessive messaging issue. Makes me feel less alone with the whole thing.

I've been getting a lot better with that. Last time spam happened was back in April, every now and then I slip up and send one or two anons to his buddies. Problem is that I still lurk around them a lot, but that's been getting better too.

I still feel real insecure about having this problem in the first place. I hate writing about it. It really, really sucks. I get bored, and start acting like this, or I'm having a terrible day and the only thing I can get myself to do to feel better is this. It's not an excuse.

I wonder about my spammer-in-arms... who are they? Why?

They can hang out with me anytime lol.

i feel sick and horrible

AI needs to unlearn the word "vibes"

maybe T's right and im fighting off something....

7/24/25

man fuckwad, maybe i do journal. didnt have to call me out like that.

i went to boston today for client conversations training. i contributed to the training by completely destroying the door in front of 15 ppl:

!!! PICTURE OF DOOR ON GROUND !!!

this shit always happens to me.

i should just end it there, but im on a crowded train, and im afraid of pulling out a feed because of potential gooner memes.

something i kind of hate about myself, but keeps growing more and more apparent, is corporate people seem nicer than the average person. and they're way nicer than people online. the conversations are just better, and there's a higher chance that people have something interesting to say. it’s not heaven, there's still boring conversations and terrible takes. but i felt happier talking to my coworkers, including boomer coworkers, than the people at that party i went to.

i learned recently i don’t have a puppygirl kink. i cant take that shit seriously. i’ll be getting off, and puppy dogs start flooding my head. it’s fucking disturbing–i don’t want to fuck a dog. do not put mental images of dogs in mind during sex.

do you think IT guy is the bastard son of joe biden? it would explain why he’s so quiet. like, if he ever udders a word biden’s swat team will kill him. or he straight up doesnt have a tongue.

are you the soul the vibe's requitin'?

7/23/25

today i failed at using an excel formula for 8 hrs. so im way behind on an assignment. im not sure what im going to say i did this week tbh.

tomorrow i go into boston for the little miss tryhard class i signed up for, that i can't skip. so i wont be able to work on that assignment tomorrow

which leaves friday to work on it. im terrified the manager on it is gonna ask me how im doing. i do not want to tell him ive been screwing around with xlookup for hours.

it's not that xlookup is hard. i just forget why im supposed to use it, and what im supposed to do afterwards. i fucking hate all of this personally, because im not even doing the tax part yet. im way at the beginning of this thing.

not sure if i mentioned the unsolicited steam friend requests ive gotten. one of them started saying romantic shit so i blocked them. turns out it was P quoting the video from yesterday. Dx motherfucker could've TOLD me he wanted to friend me smh.

what especially sucks about that is i got another friend request a couple of days later: Colin W of PA. i thought he was P and blocked him. guy is completely innocent of P's shennanigans. i sent him a friend request after i figured out P was trolling me, but i have a feeling i'll never know why he reached out.

what a shitty fucking week.

also, i did apologize to C for being a paranoid fuckhead. now im going to disappear. for his sake.

im on edge. and procrastinating. im on edge because im procrastinating. it's 9:20pm at night. the time to work more has passed. i gotta live with it and calm tf down.

7/22/25

actual life changing video

im so happy i never touched tiktok in my life

so im at that stupid party again. except this time there’s a kitchen. and it’s all of us fucks in the circle. guy over there is on his twelfth beer. there’s a random 14 y/o kid. this one lesbian is DEFINITELY into the other. woowhee. it's sooooo obvious. the fucking smile stretched like a midnight banner when she was told she could visit again.

damn the lesbians are all over Je. i think Je is 75% oblivious to it. enough to write off her flirtations as jokes, yanno?

me and T. we were also there, in the circle. uh, being proper.

what was beer boy doing when he asked, "HEY T WHAT SEX POSITION DO YOU PREFER?" felt like i was watching The Room. why did i answer, "idk what T prefers but i guess we like belly-to-belly"

guys, what the fuck is belly-to-belly? is this guy too fuckin lazy to get on his knees? listen, belly-to-belly aren't my words. i was using his words for clear communication, because i guess missionary is too confusing.

the male unicorn was so ecstatic when he heard we like missionary.

i don't know.

i needed another drink, so i slipped into the imaginary kitchen. it has a fucking hole in it, on top of a bar counter. i could see him talking, hands flying around, gesturing, but his eyes watched me. his mouth flew, the words coming automatically, but his brain was disconnected from the body. it had more important things.

i can't help but smile, meeting his gaze. fucking hilarious. i take extra long in the refrigerator, ass getting cold. i was just in these thin yellow exercise shorts.

ah, a shitty beer. i hate beer.

i saunter back in my stupid booty shorts. who was talking now? T, about work or something. Beer boy An was gazing at T, completely fascinated by railings all the sudden.

but he still peeked when i licked my lips of the beer. was that regret on his face? fear? it's not like him, not when 15 minutes ago he shot me with bullets from his eyes with anger (i suggested that maybe his girlfriend misses him)

the night goes on. people feign enlightenment as they search for something in each other. stories exchanged where they played the hero. i watched quietly. even if i could get a word in, i knew i didn't have many stories like that.

can you tell my high is wearing down?

tune in to more smut maybe someday

7/21/25

*looks at below post*

....

actually im not really looking at it, i don't want to. i need to stop getting extremely depressed when my period is about to hit. it snuck up on me this time. otherwise i wouldve known all that bullshit below wasn't real emotions.

yeah what's great about my life is the chemical and hormonal changes that give me "real" emotions and "fake" emotions--

ok but i was told last week that i gotta get my boobs lobbed off soon, and my Mom's battle with cancer was... harrowing to listen to. and people don't really get it, T says "it happened 15 years ago". and he's right, so i still don't really understand why it's upsetting me so much now--

it's because i couldn't do anything. it's another area of my life, on top of all the other areas of my life, where i was completely powerless.

so no, that depression wasn't completely physiological as it usually is now-a-days. there's something i didn't look at, emotions supressed, emerging.

do i have to do therapy fucking again? because i don't want to.

today's a bad day to make serious decisions, because im dead tired. T and I were helping Je move her shit to another apartment for about 8 hours yesterday. she finally broke up with her ex, and had to get a new place. their situation was T and mine's on steroids, except ours ended in marriage and theirs fell apart. and what i did is already terrible.

i don't want to talk about that either, ive gone over it before.

we moved Je's stuff with her other friends as well, and had pizza and beers afterwards at her place. T and I ended up crashing there. did i have a good time? it was alright. but i realized last night that i just don't vibe much with these people. ive been trying to integrate myself into the group for a while, so it's not like im giving up after a bad night. it's just been so meh every time ive gone.

the big disconnect I felt this night and previous nights has been because the conversation was all office gossip for an office i dont go to, as well as relationship drama and exes and current gfs. the vast majority of the discussion was, "im sometimes at fault, but this person is a monster". but i always feel like the monster, so, i don't really have stories to tell.

but then it's the other usual shit that happens whenever i go to any group social thing. me never getting a word in even if i wanted to because everyone talks over me. everyone talking about subjects i know nothing about. also tbh they never try including me in anything... did anyone ask about my life at all? i don't think so...

so yeah it sucked ass.

there were some situationally funny things that happened though. Je has this coworker called, lets say, Lucy, that's been extremely obsessive. spamming her with texts all the time--classic. but Lucy also went as far as to fill her own fridge with Je's favorite snacks, so she can give Je something in the morning every day. also not really taking the hint when Je doesn't want to step out of work for lunch, or drinks. another classic.

and then there's me standing there like:

7/19/25

god took a piss and a sprinkle missed the toilet, landing in my eye in the form of Dirty little Pervert Slut Degradation Audio Role Play Shaming Dirty Talk Fantasy Male Whimpering

you don't know if you've been blessed because it's from god or cursed because it's piss. but you tell yourself that god never misses the toilet. so this won't happen again. this was a fluke. maybe you just imagined the whole thing. maybe it sucks ass but you were depressed and intoxicated so you got turned on by your own eye floaters.

im scared of going back to verify, man.

and yet,

i can't let it go. it's piss, but it's god's piss. such things should be preserved. i won't see such sanctified purity again

"make porn account"
i cannot stoop so low to create a porn account on a porn site. and the time i made a porn account on a non-porn site ended tragically.
"save to private folder"
what if i forget where it is and someone finds it?

it's going here. the title, anyways. no i don't have a rational reason for it. i spent a solid 15 min trying to think of one.

considering all ive been doing is sleeping and staring at walls, yeah maybe im a bit depressed.

stimulants exist but i don't think they'll work. i thought earlier maybe if i just let myself stare at the wall i'll finally be done with it. im not. i tried sleeping again, but this hasn't gone away. i said "fuck it" and sat on the floor to stare at a box. i thought maybe if i lean into the issue and express it in a stupid way like staring at a box, i'll finally be done with this problem.

im not done with this problem

do i write out my thoughts here and stare at them? ive been listening to the same drivel playing in my head all day. i don't think writing has really helped anything this time, but it's about as good as anything else ive been doing today, i guess.

i don't think getting high is going to help. my new plan is coffee at 7pm at night and eternal darkness. A might like this if he still existed. Might not be sludgey enough for him tho.

im not sure if my shitty political views deserve a place anywhere. does it really matter what i think? society is a trash heap and they dance to the fiddle of media conglomorates, who need to tell them what the political issues to fight over are because they can't think for themselves. what are my shitty comments in comparison to billions of dollars in night shows trying to keep identity politics relevant so people don't ask for money?

it's why i don't ever think to myself, "hell yeah im gonna sit down and write a flawless political thesis on the internet :nerd emoji:" like when i was 16

but maybe i should write something about sex and politics.

i believe there's a vast swathe of people whose lives will revolve around sex, and there's nothing you can do about it. correction: their lives will revolve around their insecurities regarding sex, and there's nothing you can do about it.

what am i even writing... do i really want to spend the time writing this?

examples of this phenomenon include: do i jork it too much? do i jork it too little? im not jorkin, im an anime connoisseur. will they like it when i jork it? what if i don't like it when he jorks it. i better get laid on the first date so i know whether to waste my jorkin time on him or not. do i have the right jorker? what if i was meant to have a different jorker. what if i could jork it better? what if there was someone who could jork me. jork me better than i could ever jork myself? maybe my current jorker isn't jorky enough and there's a better jorker out there, waiting for me, with a massive erect cock complete with the throbbing vein etc. etc etc.

these sexual insecurities playing on an endless loop in people's heads. the powers that be know you're insecure about it, and say, "you know what's more important than heart disease prevention? you jork it the wrong way, but there's people that jork it worse" and that becomes the entire political landscape

there's the people who jork it the wrong way and cry about jorkin it the wrong way. you see this everywhere. then there's the people who jork it the right way, and remind the people who jork it the wrong way that they're jorkin it the wrong way. if you're in either one of these groups please shut the fuck up for me please im so fucking tired.

if you're just fucking quiet about it and don't let the insecurities interrupt your ability to live as a functioning member of society: i think that's the best most people can do. i think that's the best i can do.

album ended. i have no idea why that album made me write all of that.

do i feel any better?

...

the best part was drinking the coffee while writing that. i guess im moving around a little bit more which means im slightly more energized than before.

we could, theoretically, do something.

...

im already falling back into the haze

ive been talking to P a lot lately, and he's become a guy id die for, like T or my brother. we've known each other for years, and scraped each other off the pavement when we needed it. there's parts of my life that i think only he can really understand. we sometimes butt heads, and crawl into our seperate corners of the internet for a while to cool off, but i appreciate him. i don't want to screw up the connection.

now what

man, people draw beautifully and i'll never be as good.

...

you can do it, you can stop doomscrolling, i believe in you

i ended up drawing. :) nothing original though, i was tracing chibi uwu anime girls. they look fun to draw, and i need to learn how to draw details better on clothes, hair, etc. having a simple body will make sure i don't get burned out as quickly.

im looking up at what ive written tonight and i feel like a mess. god.

7/18/25

between learning my mom was lobotomized by cancer as a child, lacking sleep from the heat wave, and whatever is going on with my steam account, this week has been shit.

i worked today despite everything. i worked yesterday despite everything and survived the day before. i haven't had much of a break to think.

which sucks when you're sitting in a doctor's office hearing the full, true entirety of your mom's medical history and those of her ancestors for the first time, instead of the watered-down kiddie version, and people are looking at you for an answer. people want to know how you feel. but i froze up.

it's the end of the work week, and i had a few nights of sleep, so im starting to feel. I told P this:

i feel bad, like im cheating in a way. because my mom had to go through all of it, and became a walking encyclopedia on breast cancer. because she was forced to become a walking encyclopedia on breast cancer. i know so little in comparison. im benefiting off of all the medical advancements she didn't get to have. if it all works out, i won't know her suffering and those before her

she was a fucking cunt when i was a kid. but i feel like i haven't respected what she's gone through enough

i feel privileged that i don't have to know. i feel guilty for it

summary, from what i can remember:

breast cancer 3 times, 30s and 40s
metastazized three times. once to her lungs, twice to her brain
chemo idk how many times
mom was never the same after brain treatment, but instead of it being a suspicion it's confirmed. and she forgets things, a lot
nerve damage and permanent pain from treatment
unbeknownst opioid addiction from treatment (doctors kept prescribing opioids without telling her the side effects. when she went out of network she finally learned what was going on)
she's 62 but looks 80
yeah, obviously she had her breasts removed and her ovaries were fried from the chemo
miracle she's alive, a walking medical anomaly. some doctors don't believe her story if she doesn't come in with paperwork.
i was a shitty teenager while all of this was going on
and oh yeah, this is a generational curse that seems to kill 3 out of 4 women on my mom's side before they reach 60.

and this is a shitty summary. my mom has all the types of cancers she had and the cancers her ancestors had memorized to the letter, and the doctors they went to.

i don't know what more to say right now.

everyone you know is getting sicker getting sicker getting sicker

i really need to hook up with a guy with four felonies. god is so mean to me. but i also want everyone to leave me alone. and i wanna irritate people so bad. i think i want to be hated.

i need to throw my body through a cheese grater.

why does the internet care about a ceo cheating with a HR chief/astronomer idk which one it is

i love having small chickens in my room that can fly it's so wonderful

mr Breustur whheueuh

ooooeoooo ooo ooo oooo ooo oooo oooo oooo oooo <- that's what he sounds like

i feel sad/bad/fail/sad/fail

birds r having a confusing time

too depressed to escape myself

7/17/25

7/16/25

7/15/25

it's too hot in the apartment and we're all going to die.

idk if i should apologize to C to about fucking crazy i am or if i should just disappear. probably disappear. my comment was just off and he can jot me down as strange.

it's too hot

i'll just make things worse if i say anything more

it's too hot

there were 130 pdfs today. 130. a mass migration of pdfs flew across my monitor. after traversing the wormhole (wifi connection)

T gave me a pen, and then paper, and told me to draw.

the man suffered unsolicited comments today. rained like arrows, a siege that saw the curves of star ways many times.

the bird, the birds

i know how that sounds, it's not as bad as you think. the man solicted comments, yes he did, but i always feel unwanted.

we're not sleeping tonight

it's not his fault. but i don't know why.

it could make you cry

these ruby waves kick across the chin. the slight smell of chlorine from pool water turned shower. humid air licks the backside, "women have fought for this".

the magical moment of laying down in a painting.

you get tired. am i offensive?

you get tired.

twin mirrors, two gazes into the same reflection of black glass. you hurt, you're tired. maybe none of this matters.

My indifference

the man loves pain, maybe. what could he possibly think of me? insanity? why can't i stop? it hurts me. do i enjoy hurting myself? this does cause physical pain.

collapses in bending walls around my throat. a sharp star

...............................................

T i be in the middle of sumntin

>:(

neeeeeeugh

cmon now. let a girl write her high

i dont know how i handled that... slow molasses, that sort of pain. thick. stings at the end, like spicy bbq sauce. which i think has molasses.

... YO

WTF HOW DID I REMEMBER THAT,

grandma BB with the chicago style chili dog sauce in new york

has bbq and molasses

idk if it was actually chili dog sauce. i think it was just called chicago sauce?

T mad bc no towel >:c

is it colder or hotter out there, he just turned off the dehumidifier. do i ever have enough water? am i in a perpetual state of dehydration? what does this say about my past life?

what about that guy

that guy

weh my head hurts. why do i keep doing this. HE'S FINE. you're overreacting.

It was Michigan sauce

sometimes it hurtssss

how do i block a guy?

dam you brick wall....

T and I are talking about pizza dough. pizza dough kinda is the bomb.

geez i gotta get rid of that guy

you're being fucked with.

calm and meditative, grey and white, on a black background take me in decay.

how the fuck does T know spanish?

how much of our lives are completely pointless? i took three years of spanish, and this is what i get? he just learned it by mitosis at work.

i bet A doesn't know mitosis

big sweaty.
me me big sweaty many hot.
gimm gimme
cold air

naked the complexxxxx we vibing
chilling free style javelin

JAVELINNNNNNNN and there is like a guy going >:O and he runs around with a giant stick??? and he's very angry.

big ass big ass ass

u know who else is gonna die?

T because what the fuck was that sound?

i open the window
and the window opens me
no peace

you gotta go take care of it. take responsibility. can you face it? he knows you. it's probably his friend being a dick.
it doesn't matter
it could start all over again.
50% recidivism rate
you're an idiot
my poor sad life.

i must love pain.

you've taunted hell
did you think you'd get out unscathed?
in one shift of the mood, silence is a gift or a curse.

sometimes you need to stop deciding things out of fear. like thinking about how sad you'll be if you don't get the fabric shaver to clean all the cotton balls off your couch.

all options are the same in the end
you'll live a good life no matter what.

7/14/25

7/13/25

im weak. if i feel a slightly wrong sensation i'll just give up for the day. i have to realize there's only so much i can do about sensations and that sometimes i'm going to feel like crap. easier to power through it when i need to do something in order to survive, like work, but outside of that i end up staring at a wall.

ive been staring at a lot of walls lately, sleeping in, etc. is this my natural state? these are symptoms of depression, but maybe im only depressed because im hating myself for acting this way. maybe the most comfortable thing for me to do, the way i can feel happy with life, is through staring at walls and oversleeping.

do we always need to be working towards something?

my brain is telling me it want to do more than this. so why do i keep falling back into this state? i don't know.

im visiting my parents for dinner tonight. did I tell you they finally moved up here? i had nightmares last night about my mom, though, i don't think anything is going to happen at this dinner. T is going with me too, so, my mom will be especially tame.

im also having a random panic attack. it could be because of this, but it could also be that T just came back from the grocery store and said there's no food stocked on the shelves. Is it going to be like this now? The One Big Beautiful Bill act passed last week and it could be related. Or maybe it's just a bad day.

... this week is going to suck for me. I have my employee review tomorrow (in theory), the breast cancer appointment, and the office outing. lots of fun.

7/12/25

7/11/25

7/8/25

What's the point of art, of drawing? I want to do it because it feels enjoyable, but what am I supposed to create? Give me a prompt and I'll do it, but I can't come up with things on my own.

I don't know what to say through art. Even though I write a lot here, I don't think my thoughts are important. They're important to me for scrutinizing myself, and they're important to the future alien reading this as a historical record. But I don't think my thoughts are valuable to other people. Stand me up on a stage clothed in a vibrant drawing, and I wouldn't know what to say.

It's part of why I have an archaic, isolated, janky website instead of a podcast or stream to put my ramblings on, like most people of our time. It's why everything is formatted in long paragraphs and reels. I just don't think my thoughts have much value, so I've made the format they present themselves online indigestible, in a way that's likely to fail a marketing class.

Yet this can't be completely true, since they're still presented on here. I think I'm trying to convince myself my thoughts matter, and have some value to other people, by keeping this site. I've discovered writing these thoughts down helps me alot, but I'm still trying to convince myself that there are things I can put out there that are worth something to other people.

And idk about you, but my thoughts are strongly intertwined with my sense of self. So feeling as if my thoughts aren't worth anything to other people, also make me feel like I'm not worth anything to other people.

So, yeah, what do I draw? What thought of my own is worth dressing up in color?

I don't know.

This site is a battle of my internal contradictions.

I'm thinking about all of this now because I should draw today, to at least do the warm-up to get better. But what's the end goal of all of this, other than to feel good at something? Or feel enjoyment? The most moving pieces of art have a message for people, or at least, people see a message within them. I want to create something like that. I just don't know what to say.

guys it's so hot, why did they do this

7/7/25

7/6/25

every day is a winding road, and today's winding road has taken me to the pineapple pizza. i'll let you know how that goes. but other than that, im bored, i don't know what to do, i feel slightly ill in the head from oversleeping. however, my tits are out and i smell good. my face is moisterized. my hair is silky and soft. today is not a total loss.

I aM a WaLkInG hOt

i realized on the camping trip how good i look in a deep v neck, because my swimsuit cut lower than i anticipated. my boobs were basically falling out

so today we are buying fun shirts online

i just want somebody to pin me up against a wall and put me in my place. there's probably enough people who hate me and be happy to do that. so why hasn't it happened yet?

i wonder if my boss has thought of it

i think he gets turned on by making women cry. otherwise why was he have been so harsh with me in january? just like, out of nowhere.

i SWEAR there was sadistic glee on his face when he was hounding me

evil bosses probably fuck like pistons because they're so angry all the time. that's gotta be a great feeling.

ok what's a worse fantasy A or my boss?

im going to say A because i feel very guilty for what ive done lately.

... do i want to type out a thing or should i go back to hornyposting?

the horny energy is kinda gone so... i will say i hope i never talk to him again, for his sake. i really fucked him up, and i hope he's okay. he's had a shit time for a while and i made things worse.

i feel bad for benefiting from his disappearance. because i am. now that he's gone i may finally be free of my obsessive behavior forever. i just need to commit to getting better, and that's been easier than ever

F is long gone, there's no more A. maybe ii can actually, finally end this? i can be free from thinking the way i do? the fact that i think i have choice means i already am free. but because i am free, my failures will be a part of me, and not some external affliction to the head. i think that was the hardest part; thinking you're cursed forever. trapped in a life or pattern. so you put up decorations and lights in plato's cave, but it's still plato's cave.

the hidden hell of getting better is losing the ability to blame something else for your errors.

something about stakes and eyes

can i actually get better?

ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE?

i shouldn't feel so tired all the time.

7/5/25

7/4/25

i’’ll never refer to my genitals as my princess parts. that's just disturbing. especially in a meme about masturbating, and the utility bill, who tf does that?

the meme is not worth posting here.

it's about 2am on july 4th and im not sure whether to post this under today's date, or yesterday's. i keep finding myself lost in social media. the reddit/tumblr addiction is getting annoying. the hours wasted, and im not even happy. and i never seem to remember clearly what i saw or did.

tired of taking care of myself. though outside of that, this week has been one of the best attempts at it in a while.

i keep finding myself lost in thought. A in my mind. im so stupid for thinking about him, but he's hot as hell. im so weak. id probably cum just from him saying dirty shit to me. i get lost in my head fantasizing about him. then i come to and realize ive been pacing around the apartment for fifteen minutes. people have called this “maladaptive daydreaming” but id hate to pick up a new label.

clearly his disappearance is getting to me. im a dumbass.

maybe now’s the time i start my journey as a smut writer. to cope with never getting my brain ripped in half by this man’s dick. but it's 2am.

I dreamt last night that I was dating A. Nothing happened though, other than him breaking up with me. He told me I sucked ass, and then gave me a book on why I suck ass. I can’t remember what it said, but it was printed on green paper. It stun.

This all happened in a theater while we were watching a movie together. In this movie, Captain Janeway wasn’t a Star Trek captain, but in some alternate reality where she never left earth and became a marine biologist. There were a lot of people trying to kill her and her friends for reasons I can't remember. The movie had boat chases over tropical rivers, secret passageways in decrepit, swampy shacks, dangling off of cliffs, etc. At the end of the movie all her friends except one other were dead, and it seemed like the whole thing was going to end terribly for her. She got on her motorcycle and floored it, the killer was on his and only a few feet behind. When she hit the gas pedal, the killer exploded behind her. Why? A wire was attached to her clit, and when she ramped up the bike it ripped it off like a pin in a frag grenade. Somehow exploding the guy behind her.

So she lived, but, do you think that grave sacrifice was worth it?

im sitting here waiting to feel tired enough to fall asleep. idk what it is but, even when im dead tired, i still can't go to sleep until a certain time of night, around the time i usually fall asleep. stupid internal clock.

and yeah, im too tired to feel like doing anything other than this.

i tried arranging something with acquaintences tomorrow, but it doesn't seem like anyone's interested in hanging out.

which is usually how it goes.

i wish i had the energy to draw, and you don't need to be awake to get high but id rather be awake to do that. idk what to draw, and i don't really care about drawing the apple ive been working on.

i keep freudian slipping A's name into conversations because one of those acquaintences is another guy whose namee starts with A. it's pathetic.

all i can do is wait it out. at least it doesn't feel like it's going to kill me, i think. but it seems im going to be nutty for a while.

nutty? cmon on be nicer to yourself.

i feel grief. even though he did drop me like i was nothing.

that's usually how it goes

can you blame him though? the way i go about love is completely wrong. i have these feelings in a marriage and i think they'll always be there, not necessarily attached to the same guy forever though.

hating youself for feeling the wrong way about things; you can destroy yourself doing this and i already did that before.

if i take sleep medication at this point i think i'll be able to zonk out. maybe in my dreams tonight A will give me a sequel to the last book he gave me

there's no sound outside tonight

7/2/25

girlblogging

who's feeling craaaaazzzzyyyyyyy
who's feeling twistedddddddddd?

im not even sure if i care to write down what happened. i don't feel like recounting it. here's what i do want to say: what the fuck man. just say you're fucking sorry! years of this bullshit! you can't say you're sorry, so you go follow me around on new accounts pretending you're meeting me for the first time.

the hustle you are partaking in to create this facade. it's insane, boy. just be fucking honest for once and say you miss me.

though, i don't think it would matter to me at this point. the door was wide open for years. there wasn't a door.

fuuuck

unreal....

just kinda coasting

uh....... god im trying to find some music to listen and god no, it's bad. rap btw, that's the mood im in.

anime rap boy, hum....

his voice is cute

maybe i'll get it

cute voices eeeennngggghhhh...

i need to go to more live concerts

like seriously what is wrong with me

This reminds me. Writing down the stuff I wanna do when I'm. high. lol. GOOD use of this weird site. here and now is the only way im going to figure out what makes me happy. when im not high im not happy. everything is clouded, there's a heaviness to it. that i can't see through, or lift. only when im like this, i feel like there's something i can enjoy in this world.

i wanna know why it's like this. is it my depression? is it physciological? is there something wrong with me, in how i think, what i am, what my personality is? i am ... i feel less than other people.

i just pretend im happy.i already know what happens when i don't. there's nothing more to experience from it. and even if i don't pretend to not to be depressed, i'll still end up waiting for death like i am now. i wait for death. i can't move the hand myself.

i should really say this more often.

so tired of being strong

people are so interesting, but they don't want anything to do with me

making health foods like kelp cubes lol

finding good smells....

yaaaay! happy new album! happy happy happy!

why is it so hard?

i dont want to work tomorrow.... which is doing nothing........ imagine having the easiest life and being too depressed to enjoy it. what.

which is why i don't complain. yeah i feel guilty. but i don't know what's wrong with me. so i can't help that it keeps going like this.

you can tell me what's wrong, if you know.

i wanna do another...

yeah streaming shit like this would go terribly.

what would be the point? (i wanna be loved) (T loves me)

I have a reaction like touching a hot pan when i try to continue that thought

i can't really complain

i should live happy

i wonder where A is. i hope he's not dead. i doubt it but i don't know.

i should do another....

im gonna let the couch take me and sink into it's warm ocean.

have to avoid pain at all costs and any risky behavior. what if i just don't care anymore. what the hell could possibly hurt me more than what's already happened to me, other than death? brain feels pain all the same. pain is the same chemicals each time. my most painful memory now will feel the same as my most painful memory 10 years later. i know what it is. time ends it eventually. time ends everything eventually. yeah.

let the ocean take you.

stay here, stay principled, forever.

where are people?

why do i always think this?

did it really start in 6th grade? did it start earlier? is this what i told myself to cope with the attention my brother got?

but i can't imagine another way to live.

he ends, i end...

did i ever try to receive the same attention as him? was it tongue lashed out of me at a young age?

it's 11pm

fuck it.

...

nope still in the ocean

"just start throwing your life away a little bit"

is it really possible to escape all of this? i just don't believe it, and accepted my complete hopelessness. why bother trying to course correct. pain in one situation is just the same as any other, it's just the form that's different.

no i just go the easiest way. prisoner to this mind, i let it push me where it wishes. i don't know what i was supposed to be. im so surprised people feel pain but still manage to know what they want to be. like there's some other state or world you could be in, and you just need to move over there.

where is A?

where are people?

aw man who fucked with my butterfly

ugh

this is all i have

you can pick me up and put me down like a product

i feel like sinning for this. I sin against T.

for feeling my misery.

for dropping the mask in my own house.

i love T. and my emotions are just broken and don't work the right way, so i can't trust them when im not happy. like if im not happy with T. i just have to wait to get happy again. it'll be fine. endless ycle of happiness and pain, but it moves, and you won't be stuck in one part of it forever. even after death. there will be blackness, and then what? why would an vast, empty blackness of unconsciousness last forever when everything in our lives has pointed towards endless change?

just do something

it's almost 12. i wake at 7

do you wake at 7 or do you wake at 9?

can i sleep through life?

im sorry i told you to quit smoking, im an asshole

"you can't have personal websites anymore" fucking coward

7/1/25

6/28/25

My mind is a mess and my apartment is a mess. Feeling quite disconnected again, searching for some sort of positive stimulus to get me to focus on something. There's always a list of hobbies to do. If I just start one the motivation will follow.

But... eh...

Need to rename my female Penking to Sea Bitch...

I was reminded of instant gratification at the beginning of the camping trip. We're the generation of instant gratification because of social media, but I think it's an overstatement of the actual feeling you get while scrolling, if I understand it correctly. It's not like we're instantly happy the moment we start scrolling. There's something sickly about it, and whatever positive feeling we get from it is mild.

But it does make you lazier. Less willing to put in the effort to do a fun activity outside, like camping. Camping is a lot of work. You have to spend a solid day preparing, setting up the camp, etc. Stupid shit is bound to happen that you have to work through. Preparation to go somewhere once you're there takes at least an hour. Hiking itself is laborious.

Social media, video games, media in general, provides a consistent level of happiness that's easily accessible. You get used to that accessibility. Having to make an effort for a fun experience becomes foreign and uncomfortable.

I never thought of myself as someone who had a problem with instant gratification because I equated instant gratification with instant estacy. But the mild dopamine hits or whatever it provides has made me lazy. Those negative effects build beaneath my self-awareness, and are insidious as a result. Much like my relationship and consequential adversion to porn.

I worry about T. He can't seem to put the phone down lately. He's never mentioned that he has a problem with his habits though. Or that the amount of time he spends on it is bad.

I'm not sure what I should do about it, if anything. He's taking care of himself, and people can use their free time on whatever they like doing, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. But does he not feel sick after using it for too long?

6/26/25

We went home a day early, because of threats of rain tonight, and a lack of things to do. But also I became a bit miserable yesterday. I don't think I enjoy going outdoors as much as I used to, and that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Hiking is hard; I'm not in shape. I was really disappointed in myself for that. That's probably why I'm saying I don't enjoy the outdoors as much as I used to. It's not really my mind, it's my body.

Yeah it can be fixed. How long do I have to keep fixing myself? When is it going to be over?

Is forcing myself to do things so I can do other things I enjoy worth it if happiness is fleeting?

... that's bullshit. You've done effort your entire life so you can have a happier, better one. You're not going to stop doing effort even if happiness is temporary, even if all things are temporary. It's just not in you to stop, for all the tired reasons you already know about.

But I want to. I don't want to be this.

I suppose the new exercise routine will start tomorrow. I'll do one day of exercise and another day of drawing, and flip flop back and forth like that. Then I'll be accomplished in a new thing and I can try to find meaning in natural formations I've seen a thousand times, like other people do.

Drawing is truly a new thing, so I have more hope that it will amplify my happiness. Or something.

I feel like a dumbass writing all of this. It doesn't matter. I am a train on a singular track, and the activities are an attempt to convince myself I have free will. I'm doing the exercise because I know it's the Responsible thing to do and because I know I have to be Healthy for J and blahblahblah it's always the same fucking reasons. Everything I do. I try to toss it all out and I can only give a healf-hearted attempt at it.

I don't feel free because duty and guilt trap me here.

Speaking of throwing my life away, A's been on my mind all week. I mean he kind of always is, to a certain degree. I was checking his tumblr every day before he deleted. There's always some social media profile of a shitty dude from my past that I'm checking daily. You get tired of talking about it, worrying about it, seeing it as a problem, playing over the same drama in your head again and again. I'm just looking at a dude's profile. It's a public profile. Who cares.

A's not a shitty dude, he just treated me like shit. Part of me will always like him and his personality. That's why I worry about him now and wonder why he disappeared.

I'll never know, though. I used to have similar worries about F, long after he exited my life. I think I can at least accept that I'll have these worries about A for a while, unlike with F where I felt ashamed of myself for every doting emotion I felt towards him.

I want to tell T about A's disappearance, but there's no point in doing so. I think he'd be annoyed by the whole conversation.

6/25/25

6/24/25

A deleted his tumblr… yesterday? So I don't really know what's going on with him anymore. I’m mad at myself for thinking about it, and feeling sad over it. I also don't really know what to say about it. I hope he's okay. Maybe things will be better now with the tumblr gone.

He has people he knows irl, so he's not alone.

Everyone at this campground is a mom with kids. There's no men, lol.

It's 102 degrees. We tried going to the lake but we did a shit job packing for a swim. all we had were towels and potato chips. Idk why ive been reluctant to invest in a beach umbrella. But if we brought that and something to do while sitting under it, it would've been nice.

But the beaches by the lakes are shit too. They're incredibly tiny. All the large ones where there's actually room to sit are private beaches or taken up by yachts. It took us an hour to find a public beach. I would've just snuck into a private one if it weren't for T.

The point of us coming up here was to see the lakes. So considering the whole area has been swallowed up by rich people and their yachts, I don't think we’ll be coming back here.

We decided if it's this hot tomorrow, we’ll leave. Because now all there's left to do is woodsy things, and it’ll be too hot for that.

You have to feel bad for the tourism industry here. The privatization of everything is driving away people from this area, so the local industry is dying.

It rained. Everything finally fucking cooled off. Idk how long it will last though.

We were real lucky that we decided to go to a restaurant tonight instead of cooking in the heat, because there were other people who just started grilling right before the downpour. And also, we travel light because we don't have kids, so packing everything up for the rain was easy.

T and I had to drive a couple of miles out of the city because the rain knocked out all the power in the nearby restaurants. I’m really bummed because we went to a place called surfside and had excellent burgers, but idk when we’ll ever be back up here… I had a pineapple burger. xD It was good :) but I love fruit so it's no surprise I’d like something like that. Meat + fruit = yes.

6/22/25

6/20/25

man, i wanted to draw today... can't find the sketchbook i was using. (yeah i have multiple, because i'd lose one and buy another) so i guess i have to start using another sketchbook unless T finds it.

i flipped on T yesterday because politics are getting to me again. i worry about state and national parks, and the new bill that's setting the ground work to put them on the market. it hits a deep spot within me. going camping and vacationing in those areas were one of the few highlights of my childhood. an eight year old girl in my head is screaming.

im so tired of running, but id get out of the country with my brother if i had to. T said he wouldn't follow me. His job makes him feel important, and because he's the only one there that knows how to do it, he's above criticism. they don't know what to criticize.

ive given up so much for him, and all he cares about is the stupid job.

i don't know what to do about it. things are great between us, as long as i don't bring this up. it's much easier to ignore this and keep living as we have.

him saying this though. i wouldn't have stuck it out with him for years if this was going to be the result of it all.

there's conflicting images in my head of him now. and also the words "i shouldve known better"

after the employee review i'll try to switch into the international tax department, if it's a good review. Baby steps towards getting out of the country in case it's needed.

I think T and I are on a clock now. Something involving J will split us one day, if not moving to another country. He can't handle it.

I should've known better. He should know himself better too.

...

im gonna go out in the living room and pretend this didn't happen. at some point i'll ask him again about this to see if he's serious. i guess i can't believe it.

6/19/25

i keep forgetting Juneteenth is a holiday up here. Texas doesn't take it off. I logged on asking for work today and everyone was gone lol.

I'm chilling with the birds on the couch. I could be exercising or doing something else productive, but I feel that they've been neglected a bit. (I probably spoil them.)

I learned the other day that Brewster has a lame leg. He's always fought the pigeon pants when I put them on him initially, or so it seemed. One day however, he tried perching on my hand, and I realized all of his weight was on his right foot. So it wasn't the pigeon pants at all, but his leg. He has to position himself in weird ways in order to feel comfortable.

I wonder why this isn't an issue in the cage. maybe because I use yoga mats as their bedding? idk

Here's a shotgun spread of updates:

I've been trying to find more volunteer activities but no one is getting back to me.

P and I started talking again, and he wasn't mad at me for what happened a couple of years ago. I'm thankful. The conversation between us has been good. I think we've known each other for 10 years now. We talk on and off during those years. He's met T and enjoys his company too, so I'm thinking we should all make a minecraft server together. After T and I exhaust PalWorld

Ah yeah, we've been getting into PalWorld. I'm addicted. I wish the pokemon games were like it... pokemon got trashed by its investors. turned into a cash cow with shit gameplay and graphics. There's three companies that have a a large stake in pokemon, and it's the company that's in charge of the pokemon TCG that's doing the damage. All their sales depend on more pokemon coming out as fast as possible, right?

I have a bird themed team, and my main is Chikipi. Which is a terrible idea. But you only get a first pal once.

I wish you could have a team that gets stronger as you progress through the game, instead of trading out your first pals with late game ones just to stay alive. Pals don't evolve. That's probably because of the lawsuit.

There's high hopes that PalWorld will win the lawsuit, and god I hope so.

I've started a drawing course too, because I want to get better. I drew a low polygon pear the other day. Apparently drawing low polygon objects is a good way to practice a host of things, especially low polygon fruit. I'd upload it here but I'm lazy. :p

6/18/25

6/14/25

6/13/25

6/12/25

6/11/25

6/10/25

6/8/25

why does my head hurt, i didnt even take the bupropin yet

ive seeen the phoenix riiiiiise
out of the ashes

it would be bad to take screencaps of workplace chats (jot that down)

one day i want to update the site and gimp backflips on its layout

guuccii gucccii luilui

need stoner ppl to talk to

that guy never drunk posts anymore
that's pretty cool
...
my personality is so annoying i get men to quit drugs
so they don't associate themselves with me

bumper sticker: BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

newscaster voice: LOCAL BITCH BOPS ADDICTION HARDER THAN THE STATE MAN'S ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

twitter thing (tweet?): BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN THE STATE

real eyes
realize
real lies

(oh holyshit i can do that with the code)

have you guys ever looked at the html on this page
am i doing it right?

have you guys ever balanced a porn star's estate
am i doing it right?

am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na

hate it when i accidentally draw flower boy

i was talking to Brewster earlier: "why don't people like me? i just wanna giving pets"

the comedown always sucks

oh what album did i find?
big excitement
based on the aesthetic
ultrakill infinite hyperdeath

i wish i was attuned with my aesthetics when im sober. do you know how bleak the world is? grey wrapped in grey.
artists, imagining losing your instrument of choice
bobbing under the surface, you might graze its handle, once or twice in your life. and the rest you're drowning

don't think i like this one. or maybe it's just the wrong time for it. well. actually it's pretty weird. rave music at an empty mall.

id love a rave in an empty mall. the abandoned mannequins and strobe lights would be awesome. ... oh there's a day where im gonna become a graffiti artist.

6/7/25

I volunteered at Special Olympics today... google it if you don't know what it is.

Did I have a fun time? It's hard to say. I guess I feel at peace, which also feels like nothing, in a way. I don't think that's really what fun feels like. I bring this up because the staff were constantly worried about whether I was having fun or not, and I was enjoying my time, even though the work was boring to most people.

I was checking in athletes who wanted to receive free medical exams. Then entering their medical data in a database. Yeah boring stuff, but I knew what I signed up for, so I wasn't complaining. I'd rather do this than be around a bunch of people anyways, outside, in gross weather.

What really sucked about this time was half the events were cancelled due to rain. So there weren't many people participating. (Well, I guess it sucks for the organization running everything. Idc whether a lot of people show up or not.)

So yeah idk, I feel at peace. I'd like to bring a friend next time so I can have someone to talk to. I tried talking to the staff but they were all spread thin, and busy with their own tasks. Whole thing was really chaotic... no one knew where to go... kind of ridiculous there weren't any signs anywhere.

The people participating in the events were more lucid than I expected. I wonder if it's because they're all older. There were only one or two people with J's level of autism. (His isn't severe but it's almost severe, I'd guess. Level 2 or 3 autism.) Many were better off. Some I couldn't tell they had a disability.

Everyone knew everyone too. Texas's events are huge and you'll get lost. Up here, New Hampshire is so small, all the people know each other.

I wonder how my Mom is going to fare with that, considering she gets pissed off at people easily. If she gets pissed off at the NH herd, there might not be another herd. I hope she plays nice with people when she moves up here for J's sake.

And yeah, they're moving up here, at the end of the month.

Other things about the Special Olympics event, because I'm too tired to do anything else today:

The infantilization of these people has been talked about a lot in our circles before. (Our spheres of existence that probably most people think about like what... once every five years?) And it's been like, "yeah okay, I get it," so far, but today I really understand how fucking stupid it is.

There was a guy who I'd say was in his fifties, maybe older, that was one of the athletes. Other than having a weird voice, he seemed socially put together. A very caring guy, actually. (He was talking about getting one of his friends to try Special Olympics to help with her anger issues.)

He also talked about dating. He went on a date with someone and got weird looks in public for it. He, understandably, wanted to say, "What the hell are you looking at, fucko?" to the guy. One of the other guys volunteering with us started talking down to him like he was a kid, saying, "cursing is not a good idea." I don't think he meant ill by it, but watching him say that to a guy in his fifties made me realize how ridiculous we look when we do.

Guy's fifty years old with a very shitty disability trying to date. I think he's allowed to say the word "fuck". (Also note the "trying to date" part. This guy is already putting in more effort than most single men.)

So yeah one of the other staffers and I back up the guy and told him to let those fuckwits have it. And it was an eye-opening experience.

I have to try as well to not automatically fall into the baby voice when meeting these people. Or calling them kids. It's heavily ingrained in me.

Right now I'm trying to think of a situation where the baby voice is necessary... and it's not necessary, but extremely hard to avoid not doing sometimes. And it's mostly because of social fatigue on the carer's end. But we also do this to each other in our own way when we pretend to listen to each other.

I could go on about this but I'm tired.

Also so fucking annoying that I can't say neurotypical anymore because of how the term's been kidnapped by pop psychology.

6/6/25

6/5/25

6/4/25

6/2/25

6/1/25

A new reel.

I feel better today, if you can't tell from me mustering the gumption to archive the prior months.

I might start drawing again to pass the time. Or maybe I should go for a walk today. Or maybe I should do something responsible like the dishes or the bird cage. Or work.

I think I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Just couldn't do anything.

It's been pretty shit.

Thank you .webp for existing.

wow guys
what a beautiful part of the day

fat bods forever <3

god i broke a fucking nail
******
yes i am eating cheese dip

i think ppl should stop hating me fr
im just doing my damn best
you know how fucked shit is?

going on and on and on and on

i throw shit here. it's not the best. it's not the greatest. but it's just here. and not near you.

oh man
mario can't side flip anymore
absolutely not cool

next political party is gonna be to the Dominatrix Freedom Party
"changin the DNC to the DFP

user called Dominatrix Martyrdom

god that's be a sick name

except when i get those DMs
actually do i really care?
...
i think i do--i think i don'--
nah i think i don']
i need a little bit of spice in my life
not often when ole granny gets one coming her way
oh to be young

"yashi"
that just makes me mad

bro i just bought this game
don't no anything about it
we just goin
home safety hotline
what if i did streaming one day?
after all, what is this, but--
nah.
mpt a good idea

where chip

oh shit i forgot i got a game.
but first,

how did she know where i live?

fuck this game. i don't want to actually think.

if i say something sexual are you gonna start crying again?

this icecream tastes like ass. all the syrup went to the bottom.

first person who's serious loses.

8/2/25

8/1/25