why does my head hurt, i didnt even take the bupropin yet

ive seeen the phoenix riiiiiise
out of the ashes

it would be bad to take screencaps of workplace chats (jot that down)

one day i want to update the site and gimp backflips on its layout

guuccii gucccii luilui

need stoner ppl to talk to

that guy never drunk posts anymore
that's pretty cool
...
my personality is so annoying i get men to quit drugs
so they don't associate themselves with me

bumper sticker: BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

newscaster voice: LOCAL BITCH BOPS ADDICTION HARDER THAN THE STATE MAN'S ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

twitter thing (tweet?): BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN THE STATE

real eyes
realize
real lies

(oh holyshit i can do that with the code)

have you guys ever looked at the html on this page
am i doing it right?

have you guys ever balanced a porn star's estate
am i doing it right?

am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na

hate it when i accidentally draw flower boy

i was talking to Brewster earlier: "why don't people like me? i just wanna giving pets"

the comedown always sucks

oh what album did i find?
big excitement
based on the aesthetic
ultrakill infinite hyperdeath

i wish i was attuned with my aesthetics when im sober. do you know how bleak the world is? grey wrapped in grey.
artists, imagining losing your instrument of choice
bobbing under the surface, you might graze its handle, once or twice in your life. and the rest you're drowning

don't think i like this one. or maybe it's just the wrong time for it. well. actually it's pretty weird. rave music at an empty mall.

id love a rave in an empty mall. the abandoned mannequins and strobe lights would be awesome. ... oh there's a day where im gonna become a graffiti artist.

I volunteered at Special Olympics today... google it if you don't know what it is.

Did I have a fun time? It's hard to say. I guess I feel at peace, which also feels like nothing, in a way. I don't think that's really what fun feels like. I bring this up because the staff were constantly worried about whether I was having fun or not, and I was enjoying my time, even though the work was boring to most people.

I was checking in athletes who wanted to receive free medical exams. Then entering their medical data in a database. Yeah boring stuff, but I knew what I signed up for, so I wasn't complaining. I'd rather do this than be around a bunch of people anyways, outside, in gross weather.

What really sucked about this time was half the events were cancelled due to rain. So there weren't many people participating. (Well, I guess it sucks for the organization running everything. Idc whether a lot of people show up or not.)

So yeah idk, I feel at peace. I'd like to bring a friend next time so I can have someone to talk to. I tried talking to the staff but they were all spread thin, and busy with their own tasks. Whole thing was really chaotic... no one knew where to go... kind of ridiculous there weren't any signs anywhere.

The people participating in the events were more lucid than I expected. I wonder if it's because they're all older. There were only one or two people with J's level of autism. (His isn't severe but it's almost severe, I'd guess. Level 2 or 3 autism.) Many were better off. Some I couldn't tell they had a disability.

Everyone knew everyone too. Texas's events are huge and you'll get lost. Up here, New Hampshire is so small, all the people know each other.

I wonder how my Mom is going to fare with that, considering she gets pissed off at people easily. If she gets pissed off at the NH herd, there might not be another herd. I hope she plays nice with people when she moves up here for J's sake.

And yeah, they're moving up here, at the end of the month.

Other things about the Special Olympics event, because I'm too tired to do anything else today:

The infantilization of these people has been talked about a lot in our circles before. (Our spheres of existence that probably most people think about like what... once every five years?) And it's been like, "yeah okay, I get it," so far, but today I really understand how fucking stupid it is.

There was a guy who I'd say was in his fifties, maybe older, that was one of the athletes. Other than having a weird voice, he seemed socially put together. A very caring guy, actually. (He was talking about getting one of his friends to try Special Olympics to help with her anger issues.)

He also talked about dating. He went on a date with someone and got weird looks in public for it. He, understandably, wanted to say, "What the hell are you looking at, fucko?" to the guy. One of the other guys volunteering with us started talking down to him like he was a kid, saying, "cursing is not a good idea." I don't think he meant ill by it, but watching him say that to a guy in his fifties made me realize how ridiculous we look when we do.

Guy's fifty years old with a very shitty disability trying to date. I think he's allowed to say the word "fuck". (Also note the "trying to date" part. This guy is already putting in more effort than most single men.)

So yeah one of the other staffers and I back up the guy and told him to let those fuckwits have it. And it was an eye-opening experience.

I have to try as well to not automatically fall into the baby voice when meeting these people. Or calling them kids. It's heavily ingrained in me.

Right now I'm trying to think of a situation where the baby voice is necessary... and it's not necessary, but extremely hard to avoid not doing sometimes. And it's mostly because of social fatigue on the carer's end. But we also do this to each other in our own way when we pretend to listen to each other.

I could go on about this but I'm tired.

Also so fucking annoying that I can't say neurotypical anymore because of how the term's been kidnapped by pop psychology.

I guess that thing with K happened a little over 2 years ago, now... well, I just messaged him again. :(

Just told him I hope he's well.

I signed up to volunteer tomorrow at special olympics, so I'll have that to write about. It might end up being real boring though since I'm just doing data input.

My boss is kinda crazy; the one that does my reviews. She's the type of person that probably has a bullet journal and her day completely scheduled out with like 30 min of exercise and 15 minutes of meditation... and she actually follows it.

There's a golf event at work (because of course there's a hoity-toity golf event) and she says she can't go to it because she has to be the best one there at golf there or she'll feel terrible. O-o

yeesh.....

Her and I live in two different worlds...

he posted bulge
he stole my fucking pillow

just realized you can dip any sort of cookie in milk. doesn't necessarily need to be oreo
marketing is a dangerous thing.
limits your sphere of existence
you could've had something else.... but now you can only have this thing because you didn't think about anything else

i want new friends, but they don't want me

teams chat windows are like peering out of a jail cell

whole bunch of people on the other side
but something seperates us

im gonna convert IT guy into whatever craziness i am. cant take this shit.
"you enjoy quiet men because in their silence is opportunity"
.... fucking rude....

im a toxic person

also NOT true A and O weren't quiet people

there's just that Type of guy im always drooling over

god this guy's voice is beautiful. julian casablancas

jesus christ music is crazy

i need to go to more concerts. there was the industrial concert in boston. it's actually tomorrow... i shouldve gone. i need to go to the next one...

.... hm? raves?
oh a fka twigs concert

got prescribed another antidepressant but my mood is starting to swing up so now im wondering if it was cyclothymia the whole time. meaning this new medication isn't going to do shit and i need a boost in lamotrigine.

i sit down, blink, and somehow it's five hours later. :(

i was thinking about going into the office tomorrow but the partner/owner said he wants to talk to me tomorrow. so now i want to stay at home, but because i decided i would earlier the inertia from that decision is making me mentally prepare myself to go into the office tomorrow. i feel really uncomfortable. :(

A new reel.

I feel better today, if you can't tell from me mustering the gumption to archive the prior months.

I might start drawing again to pass the time. Or maybe I should go for a walk today. Or maybe I should do something responsible like the dishes or the bird cage. Or work.

I think I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Just couldn't do anything.

It's been pretty shit.

Thank you .webp for existing.

wow guys
what a beautiful part of the day

fat bods forever <3

god i broke a fucking nail
******
yes i am eating cheese dip

i think ppl should stop hating me fr
im just doing my damn best
you know how fucked shit is?

going on and on and on and on

i throw shit here. it's not the best. it's not the greatest. but it's just here. and not near you.

oh man
mario can't side flip anymore
absolutely not cool

next political party is gonna be to the Dominatrix Freedom Party
"changin the DNC to the DFP

user called Dominatrix Martyrdom

god that's be a sick name

except when i get those DMs
actually do i really care?
...
i think i do--i think i don'--
nah i think i don']
i need a little bit of spice in my life
not often when ole granny gets one coming her way
oh to be young

"yashi"
that just makes me mad

bro i just bought this game
don't no anything about it
we just goin
home safety hotline
what if i did streaming one day?
after all, what is this, but--
nah.
mpt a good idea

where chip

oh shit i forgot i got a game.
but first,

how did she know where i live?

fuck this game. i don't want to actually think.

if i say something sexual are you gonna start crying again?

this icecream tastes like ass. all the syrup went to the bottom.

first person who's serious loses.