it’s 7am. i didnt sleep well last night because i was visited by the gargoyle, and i woke up in the middle of the night because it’s cold.

i did exercise this morning though, because i was already awake anyways. im on track towards exercising 3 days a week like i used to.

i started feeling the anxiety again when i took my meds this morning. im thinking of not taking them tomorrow to see whether they're the problem.

i'm bathing now, as i write this. i open a google doc on my phone and copy/paste later on my laptop into virtual studio. gpt wraps the text in p tags.

i’ll try to do something at work today, but im not going into the office unless someone assigns me something. i’ll go fucking nuts with boredom.

i wish i could run errands today, but im nervous about completely abandoning my work laptop. i don't think i should do that.

i should draw more, even if i don't have an idea of what to draw. im thinking of tracing art i like, so i can learn new ways to add detail to my drawings. im not very good at details. maybe i’ll practice shading too.

sorry this entry is just a rapid fire of thoughts that don't really flow together. idk. im not trying to write my magnum opus here.

GTA V is a blatant rip off of The Sopranos.

period is in two-ish days.

gets me every fucking time

1.7 million dollar tax refund. That's the biggest fucking donger I've ever seen.

It's another slow day. I don't even know why I dread work days because I spend half of those days doing nothing. The amount of care I can muster into looking like I'm doing something is waning.

Fine.

This morning my throat is scratchy, and it feels like I'm suffocating. Physically.

If this website hits the front page, I'm gonna delete it probably and remake. It would be too weird to have this thing front and center on the site, with all the stupid ass thoughts in here. I have a feeling I'm going to hit it at some point; it hasn't even been a year and I'm at 20k views.

Idk who reads this, but I guess some people are. I guess some bots are, too. I'm happy you enjoy it, bots and people alike.

still anxious as hell

T's anxious as hell too. I wonder what it could possibly fucking be this time.

still anxious. its been like this all day. god's punishment for existing.

i sat in front of the happy lamp earlier and it didn't do much. it seems to help for about an hour, maybe two.

T's probably getting a new job that pays a lot more, but we'll see. That's what the anxiety is over. Man they must've really fucking screwed up at his previous job if they're trying to get him back this hard.

I wish I could calm down but I'm not sure how.

One of the books I bought came in, and I was able to read a small snippet about meditation today. I guess I'll try that.

Nah I still feel fucked. All I can hope for is sleep to fix me.

The meditation book I'm reading says not to swallow your thoughts and feelings, but notice them as you rest.

I noticed my thoughts on HR benefit elections. T and I were manuvering earlier today to find the cheapest way to get health insurance for the both of us.

Underneath that, underneath the day-to-day errands and tasks that bump around in my mind, there's darker thoughts. I thought about F. It feels inevitable that one day I'll track him down. I kind of wish I could now. I want nothing more other than to kick the living shit out of him.

The voices are chiming in saying to not do that.

I get so tired of staying disciplined.

With thoughts like these, and half serious jokes about stealing pill bottles, you know it's getting bad. All I can do about it is know it's getting bad. People will try to peddle drugs and therapy sessions, but I already know this is a stupid thing that happens at this time of year, and there's no deeper meaning behind it. I can sit down and ruminate all day on F and never get an answer, and then ruminate some more, and then ruminate some more, over and over again. There's no point in thinking that hard about it. It's probably all physiological; the emotions a meaningless reaction to the physical.

God kill me if I have to change my dose again. Shouldn't I just learn to suck it up, eventually?

A lot of visions of quicksand.

There were other things that I don't remember. It's hard noticing and remembering what's crossed my mind during meditation. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be like this or not, if I'm doing it right.

The thoughts in my head are so loud and vivid sometimes, that I lose awareness of whatever else I was thinking about. Sometimes my vision gets out of focus, and my body starts moving as if I'm in the vision in my head. Sometimes the visions hurt so much that I sob.

... I still feel shit.

please i just want it to end

Retiring Fall's entries from this page makes me wonder how many words I've written in here. Fall's produced 2600 lines of html. The amount of lines I've written is the closest I'll get to an answer.

I'm getting faster switching entries around. :) Also I figured out loading="lazy" on images, so maybe that'll help with performance.

The whole reason why I retire entries is because the page starts lagging if I write continuously. If anyone doesn't know, you can find old reels on the left nativation box.

Some people on here try not to use javascript. Personally, I cannot imagine the navigation pane without javascript. The reason why I implemented it is because I wanted one place to update all my links instead of having to update every page I've ever created. There's a lot of pages. I'm bound to forget to update some of them. I'm even having trouble remembering to update the css and js files in side folders I have in the Neocities edit page.

I'm not a real coder though. Maybe they know something I don't about updating html links.

Last night was stressful, but I made some progress connecting with Tf more. I was surprised how much we have in common on our views of the afterlife. Which is to not worry about it. It'll be what it is, and we'll all figure it out eventually. I haven't met someone with a similar view as I on that. Most are convinced there's either an afterlife or nothing.

Je and T went off into their own little world talking about Je's problems. It kinda pissed me off that they didn't try to include the rest of us, especially Tf. Tf and I made the best of it though, which I appreciate.

If I didn't know T better, I'd be worried about how close him and Je are getting, even though Je's a lesbian. Idk. It's also quite rich of me to worry about with T and Je, isn't it?

It doesn't seem like I'll have to pop into Je's life and help with the kids though, considering she hasn't brought it up again.

Tf invited T and I to a board game night on the 15th, which will both be great and terrible because my mental health will probably be fucked. However, I have to go because I don't get opportunities to go out with people often. In fact, my voice hurts from last night still. We were basically shouting in the bar last night to hear each other, and also my voice isn't used to talking for extended periods of time.

Boring night, but I did spend $60 on the steam sale, and got 6 games out of it. Pretty noice. Why am I not playing them rn? I guess I'm burned out on games tonight. I'll be taking a break from the rogue-lite I've been playing.

Kinda stupid of me to buy more games when I'm burned out.

Trying to figure out what to do tonight. I took a gummy, which doesn't help, because I'm tempted to do read a book but who the fuck does that high?

Should I try to write something deep? This journal--it does not say much about my views of the world. Which hurts my mysterious, kafkaesque appeal. Do you think people are going to sit down after work, and read some lad's journal about her gym routine? Nah. Boring shit. Where's the drama?

So, very well. I will write an emotional thriller, containing my insights about the universe and the nature of existence.

...

Nah, nope. Nevermind.

"Why?"

Because I can't take this seriously enough to not start with a joke.

...

I think that about sums it up. I'm going to go look at bracelets.

"Maybe you should actually write something."

... eh. Everyone's got something to say on it, why bother throwing my hat in? There's more than enough people with an opinion out there, and they're all fucking annoying about it.

"But when's the last time you've really thought about it?"

Listen, there's so many people in the world, one of them probably has the right answer. So go ask him.

don't make an ass of you and me

spongebobfishlookingbackwards.jpg

Happy to see you too 8th grade memory. Have you ever watched that movie, actually?

"Yes, we're in the same body and everything I see is what you see. But back to my main point, maybe you should write something."

Does anyone else have the voices thing going on in their head? It's annoying. Anyways, this is a nice bracelet.

"Don't you think it's a problem that you don't really have much to say on it?"

What does it matter what I think? Things will happen the way they want to, regardless of what I think of it.

"Do you believve in destiny?"

I don't think it's possible for me to tell which of the decisions in my life were made of free will and which were fated. There's nothing free about that shackle. Don't you think, with our interconnected world, that it would be egotistical to think that there is a will that is free to exist outside of it? A self? A soul? And what does it matter, if I think there's no free will? We shoot through this spanse of time once, with no way to re-experience it, so how do we know actual choices exist out there? And you don't care about my opinion on free will.

"No I don't. We've been over this before."

Haven't found anything that calls for me the change this

"The dilemma over whether choices exist brings up the question as to what defines existence."

Ah god can you =_= can you shut the fuck up?

"Are you afraid of writing anything? Are you afraid of coming across as annoying?"

I don't really think that's it.

"May I direct you to the title of this site?"

...

"It's clearly obvious you have some sort of opinion. You have opinions on everything, you can't help thinking of them and letting them pop up in conversation whether people want them to or not. But when I ask you directly, you act as if you're beyond that."

I want to be. Opnions are useless to hold. The most popular people are the ones who change them at the drop of a hat. I just want company, I just want to feel good. I just want my base physiological needs fulfilled so waiting for death is less painful.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time

I wish I could stop trying to make sense of things. Other people don't care whether they believe in contradictions, maybe I shouldn't care either. Caring about things leads to a lonely life.

So no, you're not gonna get me to come up with another tiresome opinion on something.

"Your opinion piece on crypto, top left."

A low point in my life that does not define me.

"You've made plans to go to the DemSoc meeting in December."

Thanks for bringing that up. I'll make sure to not bother going so I don't mentally hurt myself.

"You enjoy being an opinionated cunt."

It's not good for me. Shut up.