oh my god im so done with today. my head is fucking k i l l i n g me. i need to drain the boner from my head.
why would T say he knows how to make weed brownies, and then totally and utterly deny my request to make them? that;s just fucking sad. that's a bullet through the heart.
oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's time to commit mariticide
as tax professionals we are all ready and prepared to answer our phones at any time because we have no life. and i should not start doing that when im high on a friday night.
getting better at life: i drew a tree.
but christ im bored. working sucks and it's boring. you know i had a good 5 years of working and adulting, and mildly enjoyed accounting, but yep. ship's gone.
if i have to enter another fucking K-1 im going to kill myself. wtf is wrong with this firm. the K fucking 1s are all we do.
i could do microbiology-inspired art
bagbingbong. i bought a microscope. we will be looking at pigeon shit and the mold that's growing on my curtain. it'll be so cool to tell the people at work!
i could make moisturizers, and facial chemicals
what if we built a microscope in our eyeballs? we could fully immmerse ourselves in a microscopic world. do you think there's microscopes attached to VR headsets yet?
what if we did one eye for microscopes, and the other for telescopes? we wouldn't need a spaceship to visit the cosmos, nor a shrinking ship to visit the microcosm. the microship, if you will.
we could stand next to an aomeba with the left eye, and a martian glacier with the right eye
there should be an amoeba type in pokemon thats weak to normal and strong against fairy and grass
(why was i depressed yesterday, im getting a new bird soon)
ever just feel like never doing anything hard ever again? because i do. ... i think the wendy's burger is sitting weird in my stomach.
i can't wait until it's a month from now and i don't have to worry about work.
i guess the fall anime season is starting because F watched 30 episodes of anime in a single day again. over 30, actually.
there are two ways i check to see if F is still alive: 1. updates to his MAL profile 2. updates to his github repositories. for a while there weren't any updates to either one. was i worried? nah, because i knew at some point the fall anime season would return, and the ticker on his MAL page is the real test to see if he's dead or alive.
the checking is getting bad because im stressed at work. felt shit yesterday, obviously, because of work too. im too tired to do anything other than sit and wait for the next work day to begin.
A did everyone a favor by disappearing off the face of the earth. id rather have one guy to deal with this shit with than two.
my rage, perfectly framed
alongside your dearest work
what do you think it means?...
lets go visit that structure again
we both have our monuments, don't we?
... geez that was a mistake:
why didn't you just admit to it. why did you put me through years of wondering and feeling awful.
i want to stop gazing backwards. i want this to stop filling my mind. i used to be able to imagine worlds and color, but my mind is filled with this instead. my creativity is gone.
we're getting old. do you feel it? have you accepted it? it took everything i could muster to accept it. there are doors that are closed to me, things ive wanted to experience. and they'll remain closed forever. it's partly because of the scarcity of time, and the capacity of our bodies. the fact that when you choose to do one thing, you're giving up the time to do another. (called the opportunity cost in economics) but you have to admit, something is wrong with people. people go about their whole lives limiting themselves, and so our experiences by extension are limited.
the road ahead of me is solidified.. it's probably more concrete now than its ever been. i can see what i'll be doing for the next 40, 50 years, unless something catastrophic happens to my life. (i think throwing my life away again would be the most likely catastrophe to happen to me. my greatest enemy is myself) it's scary to think about walking down a road like that for such a long period of time, where the options of new places and experiences grow more limited by the day. it's like one of those bone straight roads leading out to the middle of nowhere, and less and less crossroads appear as you travel further.
i managed to dig myself out of the hole i threw myself into career-wise. i just accepted a really well paying job, hybrid 2 days in office, 20 min from my apartment. hybrid's perfect for me. though another place wants to interview me and if i get an offer that job is six figures. which is crazy. i don't feel like im worth much of anything. my brain screams at me that i don't deserve money. i fell like im only worth 7 dollars an hour and im constantly fighting that part of myself so i dont ruin my life. i feel like a sham a lot of the time
m getting married soon. i haven't told anyone, but the idea of adopting a kid in five to ten years has been growing on me. (though i'll still probably not do that) i probably shouldn't have kids actually; im fucking crazy. i feel so ridiculously old. i dont have anyone to talk to because of it. everyone's on the internet, and the internet is constantly screaming about shit that doesn't matter. things i could care less about.
even though the road is long in years, a long road of doing the same thing most days, the good news is i believe it will be shorter than we think because of how we perceive time. years speed up as we age. it might be fair to say that right now is the halfway point. i think i'll be as ready as i'll ever be, for time to race on by. it's inevitable, anyways; you can spend the time ignoring it, trying to stop it, or accepting the fact.
...
hows life f
it would be cool if this whole thing was put is some super secret ai machine. and these words are the Originator of a Mechanism that strips the world.
i wonder what's the largest secret of this world. what is something little known, but impacts everyone. what is the thing in the dark.
i don't think it can be known. i think it can only be felt
(anime game go sword)
misamodsso lalalaala
ive been missing him more because of work. i wish he could just respawn in my life. he'll always hurt
i need to ask IT guy what video games he's stuck on. though he won't answer.
.... i should kill F before he kills me
homo blowmo of my cock
this metaphor gamr is gonna make me in sane because of the music. hard pass on this background singer
i dont know what can top that greet death album, im obsessed.
i need a cd burner on my computer so i can just do that when im real lazy. T is always using his (no judgment)
who already used my email for a last.fm account? my secret personal email for the government?
oh, gross, i was using that username. ahhh, do i really want to remember my password?
ok i guess tonight's goal is to clean a last.fm account that's been left to the dust since 2014.
everyone likes dick a little bit, im convinced
i really miss you
Si should kill you before you kill me
how can anyone be bothered by anything else than this? how do they not sit in this pain? i feel this pain is an inevitable part of life. yet there's little talk of it. it's something so terrible, yet we've normalized it.
F, you didnt teach me what a scrobbler was. you didn't even tell me the point of the site. i just made an account because you told me to. do you know much faith i had in you?
faith and love must be the same thing.
what am i supposed to do
damn, i must be reaaaaaally stressed out because all i can think about is sex
there's a new pigeon. coming soon. she's flying towards us
depressed and sad times. depressed and sad times forever. i wish i could kill myself. im so tired of pretending to be okay with how lonely i feel. i want t to go away forever. i utterly failed at living. everyone i love is gone. and i am alone. i dont want to be on this world.
i wish i could leave my job, and run away. i wish there was someone to run towards. all i have is the water, rushing towards me.
i seriously cannot imagine a worse backdrop to my deprression than "hi-yah!" anime sounds.
do you think im okay? is it bad that ive just stopped pretending? i don't want to pretend anymore.
girlies i dropped my laptop three times and my vibrator died
making a meme about that doesnt help turn the vibrator back on
im lonely and i want friends to send memes to, smh.
check out this cool image i found
...
ihaventbeenfeelingwelllately
i could go streaking at my company, and my existence still wouldn't register to other people. i could take a shit on someone's desk and nothing would happen.
my existence means very little, and fails to make an impact on people, and i don't know why.
im going to california this year.... that is what i'll do. come hell or high water. im doing it this fall.
my face is all tense from working earlier and because of that it fucking hurts...
nah im good now
opening and closing the amazon cart all week, and buying all your shit on friday? such a dopamine hit
fuckery fuckerino my ear hurts. the ear infection that ebbs and flows out my life is particularly bad this time.
i can't seem to calm down. i want to run around in 30 different directions. there's something anxious within me and im easily irritated. i have to force myself to sit down and relax.
i wonder if this is hypomania
ok i think there's going to be a civil war, and there's going to be a lot of death. how do i know this? people are already joking about it. there was a genocide once, and a lot of it was fueled by these two newcasters that were cracking uh... genocidal jokes i guess.
when people joke about it, it becomes real. thank you for coming to my ted talk.
The status read: “If you are having any technical issues please contact technicalissues@simonsimon.com” The corporate version of a “fuck off” but she was still messaging him anyways. He didn’t understand, and she pretended she didn’t understand.
Nothing she does really matters. She knew her words would spill out and get ignored, so she’s started saying just about anything. The chances of her words to land were slim. Because of that, she knew surrender better than the religious.
Albert’s still optimistic, which is why he stared at the influx of messages with the stillness of a frozen screen. He saw in a meme once, “Basic neurology: freeze and problem won’t see you,” and it became fact.
She knew there was bad gossip about Albert around the company: being too quiet and losing his temper with people who forgot their password. But that’s okay because his undesirable personality matched hers. When she still thought she had any control over her life, she was also quiet. “Choke yourself, and the problem won’t hear you.”
She was optimistic Albert would understand her one day. Someday, everyone will see the event horizon of their lives, and realize all they had done didn’t matter.
—
I can’t deny the canyon’s beauty. I can’t help but wonder, if I let the whole thing crack open, what I’d find inside.
many do not ponder their solitude.
i wonder why so many are afraid to die alone. birth and death have to be the most universal experiences in existence. at the moment of death you're the most like anyone else
maybe earth is poking your head out the water of some other lower, unconscious existence. only holding on for so long until you sink beneath the foam and waves. we reach for the air in desperation, so we don't fall into a oneness.
my third eye is going tonight
i feel insecure about myself
there's definitely some country undertones to this album
this song is so painful
you have to be careful with music high
it's hard to continue romantic, fanciful writing, because im essentially asking myself what would i dream of if it weren't for my practicality?
im finding out how much it hurts to dream, after a long bout of quiet sleep.