I told P yesterday everything's that happened with A. He told me I need to come up with a plan in case this happens again. Which, yeah, I have one: A crisis hotline or committing myself to a hospital, depending on severity. I hope that's good enough as far as plans go.
He also told me I've been doing this for years: stalking someone to some degree. To a terrible degree about a year and a half ago.
"long-lasting, not just one episode"
The way he said it reminded me of how devastating the stalking, the obsessiveness, has been towards other people.
im insane. i get paranoid about people so easily. i don't think any of that shit with C is real. now i avoid him so i don't hurt him
stop myself before i hurt another person
im weak. if i feel a slightly wrong sensation i'll just give up for the day. i have to realize there's only so much i can do about sensations and that sometimes i'm going to feel like crap. easier to power through it when i need to do something in order to survive, like work, but outside of that i end up staring at a wall.
ive been staring at a lot of walls lately, sleeping in, etc. is this my natural state? these are symptoms of depression, but maybe im only depressed because im hating myself for acting this way. maybe the most comfortable thing for me to do, the way i can feel happy with life, is through staring at walls and oversleeping.
do we always need to be working towards something?
my brain is telling me it want to do more than this. so why do i keep falling back into this state? i don't know.
im visiting my parents for dinner tonight. did I tell you they finally moved up here? i had nightmares last night about my mom, though, i don't think anything is going to happen at this dinner. T is going with me too, so, my mom will be especially tame.
im also having a random panic attack. it could be because of this, but it could also be that T just came back from the grocery store and said there's no food stocked on the shelves. Is it going to be like this now? The One Big Beautiful Bill act passed last week and it could be related. Or maybe it's just a bad day.
... this week is going to suck for me. I have my employee review tomorrow (in theory), the breast cancer appointment, and the office outing. lots of fun.
Got my shit together and submitted another volunteer application to a charity, since the other one never got back to me. This one is for Meals on Wheels.
Ugh.. it's easier to do nothing than get myself to do something productive... I need to figure out art. Things to draw.
Alright:
ok. i came up with that in five minutes. so why the lack of motivation? ehhhghhh......
another list:
clown pal lets gooooooooo
I miss A. And I decided he's hotter than F by a mile.
Not that it matters.
A actually flirted with me. And uh... he was good at it (he was really good at it)... what has F done with his life?
None of it matters.
Actually, it does. I'm still thinking about Swansea and his monologue. And I've got a bad feeling I'm going to end up like him.
We don't think our misery matters much, and we do the right thing anyways. But I'm afraid that when I look back over my life, I'll see your face. I'm afraid that within the last seconds of my life, I will have to face the naked truth that righteousness doesn't lead to happiness.
Although Swansea didn't seem shameful about his vice, at the end. I hope I'm not either. I hope I've accepted the pain.
What's the point of art, of drawing? I want to do it because it feels enjoyable, but what am I supposed to create? Give me a prompt and I'll do it, but I can't come up with things on my own.
I don't know what to say through art. Even though I write a lot here, I don't think my thoughts are important. They're important to me for scrutinizing myself, and they're important to the future alien reading this as a historical record. But I don't think my thoughts are valuable to other people. Stand me up on a stage clothed in a vibrant drawing, and I wouldn't know what to say.
It's part of why I have an archaic, isolated, janky website instead of a podcast or stream to put my ramblings on, like most people of our time. It's why everything is formatted in long paragraphs and reels. I just don't think my thoughts have much value, so I've made the format they present themselves online indigestible, in a way that's likely to fail a marketing class.
Yet this can't be completely true, since they're still presented on here. I think I'm trying to convince myself my thoughts matter, and have some value to other people, by keeping this site. I've discovered writing these thoughts down helps me alot, but I'm still trying to convince myself that there are things I can put out there that are worth something to other people.
And idk about you, but my thoughts are strongly intertwined with my sense of self. So feeling as if my thoughts aren't worth anything to other people, also make me feel like I'm not worth anything to other people.
So, yeah, what do I draw? What thought of my own is worth dressing up in color?
I don't know.
This site is a battle of my internal contradictions.
I'm thinking about all of this now because I should draw today, to at least do the warm-up to get better. But what's the end goal of all of this, other than to feel good at something? Or feel enjoyment? The most moving pieces of art have a message for people, or at least, people see a message within them. I want to create something like that. I just don't know what to say.
guys it's so hot, why did they do this
Today was ruined because T and I stayed up late playing Mouthwashing, so we didn't get any sleep.
No I haven't finished it yet. Yes it's torturous sitting here not knowing what happens. e_e He's going to sleep immediately after work today, so I have to wait until tomorrow to finish it.
I should really find my own shows/story-based games to watch/play. I keep wrapping in T to do something with me, and then I can't continue it until later because he has to nap.
I know I'm impatient. Defines my personality at this point.
So it's hanging out with the birds tonight. Might work on the website, might watch a show I torrented, might start a new file on Mouthwashing if possible. Might just go to sleep.
every day is a winding road, and today's winding road has taken me to the pineapple pizza. i'll let you know how that goes. but other than that, im bored, i don't know what to do, i feel slightly ill in the head from oversleeping. however, my tits are out and i smell good. my face is moisterized. my hair is silky and soft. today is not a total loss.
I aM a WaLkInG hOt
i realized on the camping trip how good i look in a deep v neck, because my swimsuit cut lower than i anticipated. my boobs were basically falling out
so today we are buying fun shirts online
i just want somebody to pin me up against a wall and put me in my place. there's probably enough people who hate me and be happy to do that. so why hasn't it happened yet?
i wonder if my boss has thought of it
i think he gets turned on by making women cry. otherwise why was he have been so harsh with me in january? just like, out of nowhere.
i SWEAR there was sadistic glee on his face when he was hounding me
evil bosses probably fuck like pistons because they're so angry all the time. that's gotta be a great feeling.
ok what's a worse fantasy A or my boss?
im going to say A because i feel very guilty for what ive done lately.
... do i want to type out a thing or should i go back to hornyposting?
the horny energy is kinda gone so... i will say i hope i never talk to him again, for his sake. i really fucked him up, and i hope he's okay. he's had a shit time for a while and i made things worse.
i feel bad for benefiting from his disappearance. because i am. now that he's gone i may finally be free of my obsessive behavior forever. i just need to commit to getting better, and that's been easier than ever
F is long gone, there's no more A. maybe ii can actually, finally end this? i can be free from thinking the way i do? the fact that i think i have choice means i already am free. but because i am free, my failures will be a part of me, and not some external affliction to the head. i think that was the hardest part; thinking you're cursed forever. trapped in a life or pattern. so you put up decorations and lights in plato's cave, but it's still plato's cave.
the hidden hell of getting better is losing the ability to blame something else for your errors.
something about stakes and eyes
can i actually get better?
ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE?
i shouldn't feel so tired all the time.
WRRRRRRRRRRRRR
WRRRR WRRRR WRRRR WRRRR WRRRR WRRRR WRRRR
Ive decided to be ambitious and do overemployed and draw furry porn
bro imma circle back to your asshole like your daddy did
imma be your boss and tell you to bend over
gonna dye my hair green and get my pronouns tattoo'd to my head
you can break life into simple curves and straight lines
to improve your art
you can only have straight lines
but
a person contains both
geez life is so boring. i drew stupid shit for several hours today... it's not done yet. idk whether to finish it in colored pencil or digitally but im leaning more on colored pencil. though it's also tempting to not finish it at all, because it's a stupid and memey thing.
man, why am i drawing? what will i draw? when will i do something serious with it? what's the point?
idk why im tired.
*horny ramblings*
i’’ll never refer to my genitals as my princess parts. that's just disturbing. especially in a meme about masturbating, and the utility bill, who tf does that?
the meme is not worth posting here.
it's about 2am on july 4th and im not sure whether to post this under today's date, or yesterday's. i keep finding myself lost in social media. the reddit/tumblr addiction is getting annoying. the hours wasted, and im not even happy. and i never seem to remember clearly what i saw or did.
tired of taking care of myself. though outside of that, this week has been one of the best attempts at it in a while.
i keep finding myself lost in thought. A in my mind. im so stupid for thinking about him, but he's hot as hell. im so weak. id probably cum just from him saying dirty shit to me. i get lost in my head fantasizing about him. then i come to and realize ive been pacing around the apartment for fifteen minutes. people have called this “maladaptive daydreaming” but id hate to pick up a new label.
clearly his disappearance is getting to me. im a dumbass.
maybe now’s the time i start my journey as a smut writer. to cope with never getting my brain ripped in half by this man’s dick. but it's 2am.
I dreamt last night that I was dating A. Nothing happened though, other than him breaking up with me. He told me I sucked ass, and then gave me a book on why I suck ass. I can’t remember what it said, but it was printed on green paper. It stun.
This all happened in a theater while we were watching a movie together. In this movie, Captain Janeway wasn’t a Star Trek captain, but in some alternate reality where she never left earth and became a marine biologist. There were a lot of people trying to kill her and her friends for reasons I can't remember. The movie had boat chases over tropical rivers, secret passageways in decrepit, swampy shacks, dangling off of cliffs, etc. At the end of the movie all her friends except one other were dead, and it seemed like the whole thing was going to end terribly for her. She got on her motorcycle and floored it, the killer was on his and only a few feet behind. When she hit the gas pedal, the killer exploded behind her. Why? A wire was attached to her clit, and when she ramped up the bike it ripped it off like a pin in a frag grenade. Somehow exploding the guy behind her.
So she lived, but, do you think that grave sacrifice was worth it?
im sitting here waiting to feel tired enough to fall asleep. idk what it is but, even when im dead tired, i still can't go to sleep until a certain time of night, around the time i usually fall asleep. stupid internal clock.
and yeah, im too tired to feel like doing anything other than this.
i tried arranging something with acquaintences tomorrow, but it doesn't seem like anyone's interested in hanging out.
which is usually how it goes.
i wish i had the energy to draw, and you don't need to be awake to get high but id rather be awake to do that. idk what to draw, and i don't really care about drawing the apple ive been working on.
i keep freudian slipping A's name into conversations because one of those acquaintences is another guy whose namee starts with A. it's pathetic.
all i can do is wait it out. at least it doesn't feel like it's going to kill me, i think. but it seems im going to be nutty for a while.
nutty? cmon on be nicer to yourself.
i feel grief. even though he did drop me like i was nothing.
that's usually how it goes
can you blame him though? the way i go about love is completely wrong. i have these feelings in a marriage and i think they'll always be there, not necessarily attached to the same guy forever though.
hating youself for feeling the wrong way about things; you can destroy yourself doing this and i already did that before.
if i take sleep medication at this point i think i'll be able to zonk out. maybe in my dreams tonight A will give me a sequel to the last book he gave me
there's no sound outside tonight
girlblogging
who's feeling craaaaazzzzyyyyyyy
who's feeling twistedddddddddd?
im not even sure if i care to write down what happened. i don't feel like recounting it. here's what i do want to say: what the fuck man. just say you're fucking sorry! years of this bullshit! you can't say you're sorry, so you go follow me around on new accounts pretending you're meeting me for the first time.
the hustle you are partaking in to create this facade. it's insane, boy. just be fucking honest for once and say you miss me.
though, i don't think it would matter to me at this point. the door was wide open for years. there wasn't a door.
fuuuck
unreal....
just kinda coasting
uh....... god im trying to find some music to listen and god no, it's bad. rap btw, that's the mood im in.
anime rap boy, hum....
his voice is cute
maybe i'll get it
cute voices eeeennngggghhhh...
i need to go to more live concerts
like seriously what is wrong with me
This reminds me. Writing down the stuff I wanna do when I'm. high. lol. GOOD use of this weird site. here and now is the only way im going to figure out what makes me happy. when im not high im not happy. everything is clouded, there's a heaviness to it. that i can't see through, or lift. only when im like this, i feel like there's something i can enjoy in this world.
i wanna know why it's like this. is it my depression? is it physciological? is there something wrong with me, in how i think, what i am, what my personality is? i am ... i feel less than other people.
i just pretend im happy.i already know what happens when i don't. there's nothing more to experience from it. and even if i don't pretend to not to be depressed, i'll still end up waiting for death like i am now. i wait for death. i can't move the hand myself.
i should really say this more often.
so tired of being strong
people are so interesting, but they don't want anything to do with me
making health foods like kelp cubes lol
finding good smells....
yaaaay! happy new album! happy happy happy!
why is it so hard?
i dont want to work tomorrow.... which is doing nothing........ imagine having the easiest life and being too depressed to enjoy it. what.
which is why i don't complain. yeah i feel guilty. but i don't know what's wrong with me. so i can't help that it keeps going like this.
you can tell me what's wrong, if you know.
i wanna do another...
yeah streaming shit like this would go terribly.
what would be the point? (i wanna be loved) (T loves me)
I have a reaction like touching a hot pan when i try to continue that thought
i can't really complain
i should live happy
i wonder where A is. i hope he's not dead. i doubt it but i don't know.
i should do another....
im gonna let the couch take me and sink into it's warm ocean.
have to avoid pain at all costs and any risky behavior. what if i just don't care anymore. what the hell could possibly hurt me more than what's already happened to me, other than death? brain feels pain all the same. pain is the same chemicals each time. my most painful memory now will feel the same as my most painful memory 10 years later. i know what it is. time ends it eventually. time ends everything eventually. yeah.
let the ocean take you.
stay here, stay principled, forever.
where are people?
why do i always think this?
did it really start in 6th grade? did it start earlier? is this what i told myself to cope with the attention my brother got?
but i can't imagine another way to live.
he ends, i end...
did i ever try to receive the same attention as him? was it tongue lashed out of me at a young age?
it's 11pm
fuck it.
...
nope still in the ocean
"just start throwing your life away a little bit"
is it really possible to escape all of this? i just don't believe it, and accepted my complete hopelessness. why bother trying to course correct. pain in one situation is just the same as any other, it's just the form that's different.
no i just go the easiest way. prisoner to this mind, i let it push me where it wishes. i don't know what i was supposed to be. im so surprised people feel pain but still manage to know what they want to be. like there's some other state or world you could be in, and you just need to move over there.
where is A?
where are people?
aw man who fucked with my butterfly
ugh
this is all i have
you can pick me up and put me down like a product
i feel like sinning for this. I sin against T.
for feeling my misery.
for dropping the mask in my own house.
i love T. and my emotions are just broken and don't work the right way, so i can't trust them when im not happy. like if im not happy with T. i just have to wait to get happy again. it'll be fine. endless ycle of happiness and pain, but it moves, and you won't be stuck in one part of it forever. even after death. there will be blackness, and then what? why would an vast, empty blackness of unconsciousness last forever when everything in our lives has pointed towards endless change?
just do something
it's almost 12. i wake at 7
do you wake at 7 or do you wake at 9?
can i sleep through life?
im sorry i told you to quit smoking, im an asshole
"you can't have personal websites anymore" fucking coward
For the art course, I had to do a study on this snail photo. It's supposed to be very basic. Mostly about getting the basic lines down neat on the paper, and breaking the animal into small shapes.
My line quality needs improvement, especially at the tail when I got tired towards the end. The lines get shaky and muddled. I wasn't sure how long I should spend on this exercise, and whether I should really sink time into it. I pulled this together in 23 minutes. In the future, I think I'm going to take more time on these exercises. Maybe the length of time I feel I'm supposed to work on something basic, times 2.
The instructor says not to rush through these exercises, but move quickly, which is why I'm confused about the time. =_=
"Do what you feel is right."
Yeah, I'm not used to feeling the right answer anymore...
My mind is a mess and my apartment is a mess. Feeling quite disconnected again, searching for some sort of positive stimulus to get me to focus on something. There's always a list of hobbies to do. If I just start one the motivation will follow.
But... eh...
Need to rename my female Penking to Sea Bitch...
I was reminded of instant gratification at the beginning of the camping trip. We're the generation of instant gratification because of social media, but I think it's an overstatement of the actual feeling you get while scrolling, if I understand it correctly. It's not like we're instantly happy the moment we start scrolling. There's something sickly about it, and whatever positive feeling we get from it is mild.
But it does make you lazier. Less willing to put in the effort to do a fun activity outside, like camping. Camping is a lot of work. You have to spend a solid day preparing, setting up the camp, etc. Stupid shit is bound to happen that you have to work through. Preparation to go somewhere once you're there takes at least an hour. Hiking itself is laborious.
Social media, video games, media in general, provides a consistent level of happiness that's easily accessible. You get used to that accessibility. Having to make an effort for a fun experience becomes foreign and uncomfortable.
I never thought of myself as someone who had a problem with instant gratification because I equated instant gratification with instant estacy. But the mild dopamine hits or whatever it provides has made me lazy. Those negative effects build beaneath my self-awareness, and are insidious as a result. Much like my relationship and consequential adversion to porn.
I worry about T. He can't seem to put the phone down lately. He's never mentioned that he has a problem with his habits though. Or that the amount of time he spends on it is bad.
I'm not sure what I should do about it, if anything. He's taking care of himself, and people can use their free time on whatever they like doing, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. But does he not feel sick after using it for too long?
We went home a day early, because of threats of rain tonight, and a lack of things to do. But also I became a bit miserable yesterday. I don't think I enjoy going outdoors as much as I used to, and that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.
Hiking is hard; I'm not in shape. I was really disappointed in myself for that. That's probably why I'm saying I don't enjoy the outdoors as much as I used to. It's not really my mind, it's my body.
Yeah it can be fixed. How long do I have to keep fixing myself? When is it going to be over?
Is forcing myself to do things so I can do other things I enjoy worth it if happiness is fleeting?
... that's bullshit. You've done effort your entire life so you can have a happier, better one. You're not going to stop doing effort even if happiness is temporary, even if all things are temporary. It's just not in you to stop, for all the tired reasons you already know about.
But I want to. I don't want to be this.
I suppose the new exercise routine will start tomorrow. I'll do one day of exercise and another day of drawing, and flip flop back and forth like that. Then I'll be accomplished in a new thing and I can try to find meaning in natural formations I've seen a thousand times, like other people do.
Drawing is truly a new thing, so I have more hope that it will amplify my happiness. Or something.
I feel like a dumbass writing all of this. It doesn't matter. I am a train on a singular track, and the activities are an attempt to convince myself I have free will. I'm doing the exercise because I know it's the Responsible thing to do and because I know I have to be Healthy for J and blahblahblah it's always the same fucking reasons. Everything I do. I try to toss it all out and I can only give a healf-hearted attempt at it.
I don't feel free because duty and guilt trap me here.
Speaking of throwing my life away, A's been on my mind all week. I mean he kind of always is, to a certain degree. I was checking his tumblr every day before he deleted. There's always some social media profile of a shitty dude from my past that I'm checking daily. You get tired of talking about it, worrying about it, seeing it as a problem, playing over the same drama in your head again and again. I'm just looking at a dude's profile. It's a public profile. Who cares.
A's not a shitty dude, he just treated me like shit. Part of me will always like him and his personality. That's why I worry about him now and wonder why he disappeared.
I'll never know, though. I used to have similar worries about F, long after he exited my life. I think I can at least accept that I'll have these worries about A for a while, unlike with F where I felt ashamed of myself for every doting emotion I felt towards him.
I want to tell T about A's disappearance, but there's no point in doing so. I think he'd be annoyed by the whole conversation.
Found out bug spray melts certain plastics today when I found the food safety label from the back of some marshmallows on my arm. The bug spray on me rubbed off the ink. Same with a bottle of Dr.Pepper I had. If you spray the stuff directly on the label, it’ll start to melt. But not all wrappers are like this… the Hershey's bar wasn't.
So if you're ever trapped in a room via a plastic barrier, and you have some bug spray, you know what to do.
A deleted his tumblr… yesterday? So I don't really know what's going on with him anymore. I’m mad at myself for thinking about it, and feeling sad over it. I also don't really know what to say about it. I hope he's okay. Maybe things will be better now with the tumblr gone.
He has people he knows irl, so he's not alone.
Everyone at this campground is a mom with kids. There's no men, lol.
It's 102 degrees. We tried going to the lake but we did a shit job packing for a swim. all we had were towels and potato chips. Idk why ive been reluctant to invest in a beach umbrella. But if we brought that and something to do while sitting under it, it would've been nice.
But the beaches by the lakes are shit too. They're incredibly tiny. All the large ones where there's actually room to sit are private beaches or taken up by yachts. It took us an hour to find a public beach. I would've just snuck into a private one if it weren't for T.
The point of us coming up here was to see the lakes. So considering the whole area has been swallowed up by rich people and their yachts, I don't think we’ll be coming back here.
We decided if it's this hot tomorrow, we’ll leave. Because now all there's left to do is woodsy things, and it’ll be too hot for that.
You have to feel bad for the tourism industry here. The privatization of everything is driving away people from this area, so the local industry is dying.
It rained. Everything finally fucking cooled off. Idk how long it will last though.
We were real lucky that we decided to go to a restaurant tonight instead of cooking in the heat, because there were other people who just started grilling right before the downpour. And also, we travel light because we don't have kids, so packing everything up for the rain was easy.
T and I had to drive a couple of miles out of the city because the rain knocked out all the power in the nearby restaurants. I’m really bummed because we went to a place called surfside and had excellent burgers, but idk when we’ll ever be back up here… I had a pineapple burger. xD It was good :) but I love fruit so it's no surprise I’d like something like that. Meat + fruit = yes.
im going camping starting tomorrow, and i'll be out until friday. i don't really have much else to say other than that.
ah, actually, im obsessed with palworld. i plan on doing hijinks with the katana. (a really shitty sword in the game) kinda hard to get excited for the camping trip because i just wanna play palworld, but i know im being a dumbass for thinking that.
and my period came finally, so i think my mood will start improving. i was overreacting about all that shit in the last entry smh.
man, i wanted to draw today... can't find the sketchbook i was using. (yeah i have multiple, because i'd lose one and buy another) so i guess i have to start using another sketchbook unless T finds it.
i flipped on T yesterday because politics are getting to me again. i worry about state and national parks, and the new bill that's setting the ground work to put them on the market. it hits a deep spot within me. going camping and vacationing in those areas were one of the few highlights of my childhood. an eight year old girl in my head is screaming.
im so tired of running, but id get out of the country with my brother if i had to. T said he wouldn't follow me. His job makes him feel important, and because he's the only one there that knows how to do it, he's above criticism. they don't know what to criticize.
ive given up so much for him, and all he cares about is the stupid job.
i don't know what to do about it. things are great between us, as long as i don't bring this up. it's much easier to ignore this and keep living as we have.
him saying this though. i wouldn't have stuck it out with him for years if this was going to be the result of it all.
there's conflicting images in my head of him now. and also the words "i shouldve known better"
after the employee review i'll try to switch into the international tax department, if it's a good review. Baby steps towards getting out of the country in case it's needed.
I think T and I are on a clock now. Something involving J will split us one day, if not moving to another country. He can't handle it.
I should've known better. He should know himself better too.
...
im gonna go out in the living room and pretend this didn't happen. at some point i'll ask him again about this to see if he's serious. i guess i can't believe it.
i keep forgetting Juneteenth is a holiday up here. Texas doesn't take it off. I logged on asking for work today and everyone was gone lol.
I'm chilling with the birds on the couch. I could be exercising or doing something else productive, but I feel that they've been neglected a bit. (I probably spoil them.)
I learned the other day that Brewster has a lame leg. He's always fought the pigeon pants when I put them on him initially, or so it seemed. One day however, he tried perching on my hand, and I realized all of his weight was on his right foot. So it wasn't the pigeon pants at all, but his leg. He has to position himself in weird ways in order to feel comfortable.
I wonder why this isn't an issue in the cage. maybe because I use yoga mats as their bedding? idk
Here's a shotgun spread of updates:
I've been trying to find more volunteer activities but no one is getting back to me.
P and I started talking again, and he wasn't mad at me for what happened a couple of years ago. I'm thankful. The conversation between us has been good. I think we've known each other for 10 years now. We talk on and off during those years. He's met T and enjoys his company too, so I'm thinking we should all make a minecraft server together. After T and I exhaust PalWorld
Ah yeah, we've been getting into PalWorld. I'm addicted. I wish the pokemon games were like it... pokemon got trashed by its investors. turned into a cash cow with shit gameplay and graphics. There's three companies that have a a large stake in pokemon, and it's the company that's in charge of the pokemon TCG that's doing the damage. All their sales depend on more pokemon coming out as fast as possible, right?
I have a bird themed team, and my main is Chikipi. Which is a terrible idea. But you only get a first pal once.
I wish you could have a team that gets stronger as you progress through the game, instead of trading out your first pals with late game ones just to stay alive. Pals don't evolve. That's probably because of the lawsuit.
There's high hopes that PalWorld will win the lawsuit, and god I hope so.
I've started a drawing course too, because I want to get better. I drew a low polygon pear the other day. Apparently drawing low polygon objects is a good way to practice a host of things, especially low polygon fruit. I'd upload it here but I'm lazy. :p
it's been a boring week. or to put it more accurately, about as exciting as living in hell can get.
i thought the reason why im not interesting is because i dont do the 4chanz and shit like that. so i scrolled through lolcow. it's kind of like half-baked true crime. instead of something really fucked up like brainwashing 90 people to drink poison, or dismembering a person and letting their wounds fill with maggots, it's being trans and doing heroin with your dad.
every one to two years, i think the answer to my miserable veneer is....
oh maybe what im looking for is liveleak. apparently that got shut down but i found a clone.
...
well. it was different. the dead corpses kinda looked cool ngl.
people actually doing the depraved shit that goes on in my head. interesting.
i feel unchanged
netted zero from this, other than something new to draw.
maybe the dissociation is kicking in. doing it's job, wrapping me in fogged padding to shelter the brain from what im seeing. that's probably it.
i hope i didnt make that guy on reddit cry. i was just telling a joke
you can organize aesthetics by color, and numbers by account. art majors, is it really all that different?
quiet friday night. quiet day sunday. shit.
i remembered walking up the hill earlier this week, and watching a school bus pass me. the sense of relief i felt, knowing i'll never have to step on one again!
im surprised there's a world so massive, outside of that. school was your whole world. now, it's a fading memory.
and the world is going to tick on faster.
has anyone tried measuring how fast a person's perception of time is? tried giving it a standard unit of measurement? id like to know how much time i really have, because it's less than the years to your death, because of how it speeds up.
the answer is probably the uninteresting, "it's different for everyone".
im wired tonight. just don't feel like sleeping. been on edge all day. i keep thinking about work, which i shouldn't be doing, because there's nothing going on with work again. i feel like being a tryhard at work today though... im still not going into the office enough. im sure it'll come up in my employee review. it's really, really hard to want to go when there's no work to do. and ive gotten so used to not going in...
no one's yelled at me for not going in though
... god why do i feel w e i r d.
tomorrow, (maybe i shouldve just done it today, maybe i wouldnt be feeling w e i r d if i had just done it today) i get to look for companies that qualify for section 266. the fun part is that i'll get a couple hundred for every one i find. i think. maybe not, but at the very least it's something to do, it's easy, and it kisses the ass of higher ups.
can i stop feeling weird, now?
i started dipping my toe into watching porn again, but i read part of this hentai like... last week? the degradation was disturbing. haven't touched the shit since.
it disturbs me that people go home and consume content like this on the regular. and i know it's mostly men.
this stuff didn't used to bother me as much when i was younger, but im older now. ive seen enough terrible shit in my life. i don't care to fill my eyes with more of it. it'll just hurt me.
my nerves are exposed and raw. i don't care to contain them anymore.
my name is MOONPAW. im a unicorn with a blue mane, glistening emerald eyes, and turquoise hooves--signature of the sea horse bloodline. when my mom died, her soul shattered; each fragment lodging itself in the intestines of every man, woman, and child. im on a journey to kill people. in order to collect all the shards, i have to ransack the bowels of entire civilizations. one day, my mom's soul will be released from hell, and i can finally stop hearing her perpetual agonized screams in my head. this is my story.
im regurgitating stupid ideas here until something sticks
been having an itch for drawing clefairy so now that it's here i can move on
i think the only other pokemon ive drawn is charizard, half my life ago
i think more people enjoy hearing me talk to myself than talking to me and im not sure what that means
why does my head hurt, i didnt even take the bupropin yet
ive seeen the phoenix riiiiiise
out of the ashes
it would be bad to take screencaps of workplace chats (jot that down)
one day i want to update the site and gimp backflips on its layout
guuccii gucccii luilui
need stoner ppl to talk to
that guy never drunk posts anymore
that's pretty cool
...
my personality is so annoying i get men to quit drugs
so they don't associate themselves with me
bumper sticker: BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
newscaster voice: LOCAL BITCH BOPS ADDICTION HARDER THAN THE STATE MAN'S ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
twitter thing (tweet?): BITCH BOPS HARDER THAN THE STATE
real eyes
realize
real lies
(oh holyshit i can do that with the code)
have you guys ever looked at the html on this page
am i doing it right?
have you guys ever balanced a porn star's estate
am i doing it right?
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
am i doing it right?
da-na da-na da-na
hate it when i accidentally draw flower boy
i was talking to Brewster earlier: "why don't people like me? i just wanna giving pets"
the comedown always sucks
oh what album did i find?
big excitement
based on the aesthetic
ultrakill infinite hyperdeath
i wish i was attuned with my aesthetics when im sober. do you know how bleak the world is? grey wrapped in grey.
artists, imagining losing your instrument of choice
bobbing under the surface, you might graze its handle, once or twice in your life. and the rest you're drowning
don't think i like this one. or maybe it's just the wrong time for it. well. actually it's pretty weird. rave music at an empty mall.
id love a rave in an empty mall. the abandoned mannequins and strobe lights would be awesome. ... oh there's a day where im gonna become a graffiti artist.
I volunteered at Special Olympics today... google it if you don't know what it is.
Did I have a fun time? It's hard to say. I guess I feel at peace, which also feels like nothing, in a way. I don't think that's really what fun feels like. I bring this up because the staff were constantly worried about whether I was having fun or not, and I was enjoying my time, even though the work was boring to most people.
I was checking in athletes who wanted to receive free medical exams. Then entering their medical data in a database. Yeah boring stuff, but I knew what I signed up for, so I wasn't complaining. I'd rather do this than be around a bunch of people anyways, outside, in gross weather.
What really sucked about this time was half the events were cancelled due to rain. So there weren't many people participating. (Well, I guess it sucks for the organization running everything. Idc whether a lot of people show up or not.)
So yeah idk, I feel at peace. I'd like to bring a friend next time so I can have someone to talk to. I tried talking to the staff but they were all spread thin, and busy with their own tasks. Whole thing was really chaotic... no one knew where to go... kind of ridiculous there weren't any signs anywhere.
The people participating in the events were more lucid than I expected. I wonder if it's because they're all older. There were only one or two people with J's level of autism. (His isn't severe but it's almost severe, I'd guess. Level 2 or 3 autism.) Many were better off. Some I couldn't tell they had a disability.
Everyone knew everyone too. Texas's events are huge and you'll get lost. Up here, New Hampshire is so small, all the people know each other.
I wonder how my Mom is going to fare with that, considering she gets pissed off at people easily. If she gets pissed off at the NH herd, there might not be another herd. I hope she plays nice with people when she moves up here for J's sake.
And yeah, they're moving up here, at the end of the month.
Other things about the Special Olympics event, because I'm too tired to do anything else today:
The infantilization of these people has been talked about a lot in our circles before. (Our spheres of existence that probably most people think about like what... once every five years?) And it's been like, "yeah okay, I get it," so far, but today I really understand how fucking stupid it is.
There was a guy who I'd say was in his fifties, maybe older, that was one of the athletes. Other than having a weird voice, he seemed socially put together. A very caring guy, actually. (He was talking about getting one of his friends to try Special Olympics to help with her anger issues.)
He also talked about dating. He went on a date with someone and got weird looks in public for it. He, understandably, wanted to say, "What the hell are you looking at, fucko?" to the guy. One of the other guys volunteering with us started talking down to him like he was a kid, saying, "cursing is not a good idea." I don't think he meant ill by it, but watching him say that to a guy in his fifties made me realize how ridiculous we look when we do.
Guy's fifty years old with a very shitty disability trying to date. I think he's allowed to say the word "fuck". (Also note the "trying to date" part. This guy is already putting in more effort than most single men.)
So yeah one of the other staffers and I back up the guy and told him to let those fuckwits have it. And it was an eye-opening experience.
I have to try as well to not automatically fall into the baby voice when meeting these people. Or calling them kids. It's heavily ingrained in me.
Right now I'm trying to think of a situation where the baby voice is necessary... and it's not necessary, but extremely hard to avoid not doing sometimes. And it's mostly because of social fatigue on the carer's end. But we also do this to each other in our own way when we pretend to listen to each other.
I could go on about this but I'm tired.
Also so fucking annoying that I can't say neurotypical anymore because of how the term's been kidnapped by pop psychology.
I guess that thing with K happened a little over 2 years ago, now... well, I just messaged him again. :(
Just told him I hope he's well.
I signed up to volunteer tomorrow at special olympics, so I'll have that to write about. It might end up being real boring though since I'm just doing data input.
My boss is kinda crazy; the one that does my reviews. She's the type of person that probably has a bullet journal and her day completely scheduled out with like 30 min of exercise and 15 minutes of meditation... and she actually follows it.
There's a golf event at work (because of course there's a hoity-toity golf event) and she says she can't go to it because she has to be the best one there at golf there or she'll feel terrible. O-o
yeesh.....
Her and I live in two different worlds...
he posted bulge
he stole my fucking pillow
just realized you can dip any sort of cookie in milk. doesn't necessarily need to be oreo
marketing is a dangerous thing.
limits your sphere of existence
you could've had something else.... but now you can only have this thing because you didn't think about anything else
i want new friends, but they don't want me
teams chat windows are like peering out of a jail cell
whole bunch of people on the other side
but something seperates us
im gonna convert IT guy into whatever craziness i am. cant take this shit.
"you enjoy quiet men because in their silence is opportunity"
.... fucking rude....
im a toxic person
also NOT true A and O weren't quiet people
there's just that Type of guy im always drooling over
god this guy's voice is beautiful. julian casablancas
jesus christ music is crazy
i need to go to more concerts. there was the industrial concert in boston. it's actually tomorrow... i shouldve gone. i need to go to the next one...
.... hm? raves?
oh a fka twigs concert
got prescribed another antidepressant but my mood is starting to swing up so now im wondering if it was cyclothymia the whole time. meaning this new medication isn't going to do shit and i need a boost in lamotrigine.
i sit down, blink, and somehow it's five hours later. :(
i was thinking about going into the office tomorrow but the partner/owner said he wants to talk to me tomorrow. so now i want to stay at home, but because i decided i would earlier the inertia from that decision is making me mentally prepare myself to go into the office tomorrow. i feel really uncomfortable. :(
A new reel.
I feel better today, if you can't tell from me mustering the gumption to archive the prior months.
I might start drawing again to pass the time. Or maybe I should go for a walk today. Or maybe I should do something responsible like the dishes or the bird cage. Or work.
I think I slept for 15 hours yesterday. Just couldn't do anything.
It's been pretty shit.
Thank you .webp for existing.
wow guys
what a beautiful part of the day
fat bods forever <3
god i broke a fucking nail
******
yes i am eating cheese dip
i think ppl should stop hating me fr
im just doing my damn best
you know how fucked shit is?
going on and on and on and on
i throw shit here. it's not the best. it's not the greatest. but it's just here. and not near you.
oh man
mario can't side flip anymore
absolutely not cool
next political party is gonna be to the Dominatrix Freedom Party
"changin the DNC to the DFP
user called Dominatrix Martyrdom
god that's be a sick name
except when i get those DMs
actually do i really care?
...
i think i do--i think i don'--
nah i think i don']
i need a little bit of spice in my life
not often when ole granny gets one coming her way
oh to be young
"yashi"
that just makes me mad
bro i just bought this game
don't no anything about it
we just goin
home safety hotline
what if i did streaming one day?
after all, what is this, but--
nah.
mpt a good idea
where chip
oh shit i forgot i got a game.
but first,
how did she know where i live?
fuck this game. i don't want to actually think.
if i say something sexual are you gonna start crying again?
this icecream tastes like ass. all the syrup went to the bottom.
first person who's serious loses.