Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae,
I keep thinking about you tonight. Why didn't we date?! We could've had sex! You were always like, "but my idol career," but honestly, I don't think you were grinding dance class as hard as you say you did. Lies! No, you made me cry and then your whole life became about dance class. I was gullible back then, but I can see through it, now.
We could've had sex. Imagine the release of all that sexual tension.
Fucking idiot.
XOXOXO,
we could've had sex
Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae,
What are you doing tonight? Getting laid? Alone? Wife and two kids?
I wish I could know every emotion inside of you. I'd pry you open with my hands and dig your innards out. Elbow deep in your torso, covered in blood.
Yeah, I just watched a horror movie.
Thinking about it though, squishing your warm, wet guts between my fingers would bring me a level of joy and satisfaction I don't think words can deliver.
And not out of hate. I don't hate cats. I'd feel whole, playing around with your organs like play dough, recapturing an innocent, playful moment from long ago.
Happy Halloween.
XOXOXO,
The Gut Feeler
Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae,
XOXOXO,
Your Annoying Admirer
Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae,
I think I just had an entire conversation with you in my head, and I forgot to write it down.
Just feeling tempted again tonight, is all. Can’t really get over the fact that I’ll never hear a word from you again.
I’ve been reading about body language so I can manipulate people, with the aim of becoming a sociopath. It’s okay because interesting reads are worth the price of morality. Everyone knows this.
I feel the sleep pills kicking in. Do you take them? I take 10mg Clonidine, I think it's called.
Did I already ask that?
XOXOXO,
Sleepless in Salem
Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae,
you might be proud of what i learned today
u can bind tags to control V in order to access its power immediately without having to type it out
i bet, you wish, you knew that before me. but unfortunately? im just smarter than you
die sad
but fuck I forgot about that one.................. and now im overusing this one............. awful. do we keep doing that garbage?
hm
we keep doing htat gargabe.
Kitty sundaue,
get fucked on a fucking fuck you donkey ass piece of shit garbage dump of a dump
Kitty Sundae,
there are too many skittle in this bag. im going to kill myself with them. like that one guy in that one show that likes to die.
Bungo?
Bungaou?
Bungou?
which fucking way is it man? i feel like ive seen all of those variations
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
naw, so, you would be proud of what i learned today
chopsticks? easy to pick up big food. but small food? not uh. get fucked on rice. rice fucking hates u bro.
but you! you know how!
what if u said some gay ass shit like, "actually i dont know how to use chopsticks" bro id fucking kill you.
itd be like what wouldve been the point of learning japanese then
yo i fucking BET you already knew japanese by college. you just hid that from me because you didn't want to look like a weeb. you hid so much crazy shit.
aw i hate that for me. my fruit went sour. :(
im just a girl that collects fruits and berries from the grocery store.
ah fuck, i might get sick on the skittles.
ssstttthhhhick
"ur just talking to yourself at this point"
yeah i know lol
you know, you do what ya gotta do to get by. some people stick needles in themselves. some people stick a different type of needle in themselves that is different than the needle i said prior and the opposite of what you thought when i originally said needles.
some people, yanno, worship god.
some people uh.... drink. some people do both. in fact both gets done a lot for communion. isnt that a weird thought: "here's your god, bread, now it's time to get drunk af"
and some people talk to imaginary people about imaginary people
aw don't give me that sad look! he could be real, but you'd be crazy to call him your pal. sorry man the duo imaginaros was too good of a joke to pass up sorry man
nah fuck you actually
miss this guy
he brought a lot out of me. a lot of what was trapped in me. and i guess and is again. he also sealed the door. guess he didn't like what he opened. can you close pandora's box? i don't think you can, i don't remember "closing it" being a thing. some things you can't take back. some things never go back to the way they were. time is an ever-flowing continous push forward. can't close pandora's box. but would i still open it? yes. i know i would still open it. i know it's at the very core of my fiber to still open it. im a carnivour and a devourer, i leave nothing untouched.
i think you know that. or you should. goshujinsama
stupid, that whole thing.
it's wearing off, i think. it's been fun, communing with your spirit. i wonder if you ever feel me anymore. i once read something someone said somewhere, that when you're thinking of another person that it means they're thinking of you too. and i dont think that's true, but it helps me feel less lonely.
do you know what im thinking about now?
sitting with you in those woods i walked through today. under the tree's red fire. it rains, the water splintering the gold flecks of the sun. we're wet, we're laughing. the sky is an endless blue.
you say i love you, i say i do
XOXOXO,
don't read into this, punk
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
Despite wanting to get better at music, I seem to be drawing a lot more instead. I'm able to have more fun with it. Doing band in school I think formed a connection between work and music in my brain. Because of this, I take composition too seriously, and it's not fun. Motivation is hard to find... when I screw up, ambition is lost... I feel embarrassed by my work.
Drawing isn't like that though. I find it more of a comfort. I remember all those shitty ms paint drawings I used to make for you, and I think that's why drawing comes easier to me than music. My attitude towards it is sillier and lighter.
I think those were some of my favorite memories with you. I had another night of crying over remembering that. I was really happy during those times, I don't think you had any idea.
Or maybe you did know how happy I was. Sometimes I wonder if you enjoyed shattering my happiness, that you got off to hurting me over and over again, enjoying the power you had.
I don't really know anymore...
I don't try to figure it out.
And even to this day, I have a hard time conceptualizing it when I think of you. When I start to think of you, I still think of you as the friend I used to have. And that you're a good person that cares about me. It's only when I sit with the memories longer, and the ideas I had about you, that those images start to fray. I think something a long the lines of, "ah, yeah, all that horrible shit might've happened, probably. Quite possibly."
I don't really understand, and I don't think I ever will. So I don't dwell on those darker aspects of who you might be. When I find I've wandered too far into the forest, and night is approaching, I move quickly.
I forget where I was going with all of this...
Yes, I've been drawing a lot more. I think those times from long ago make it easier for me to enjoy it. It's easier to let out more of myself, instead of being critical of what I come up with.
I miss drawing for you. Always will.
XOXOXO,
The Last Wink of the Sun
P.S. I have a whole new idea for this page, it'll just take time.
dear miss kitty sundae,
if i arranged my pubes into a faux hawk, would you take me back?
XOXOXO,
yearning4u
dear miss kitty sundae,
i feel ill
cant breathe
in these trying times i am assaulted with visions of bush, and i think im beginning to understand
"i infer…
god spoke through a bush to show us god speaks through women"
it can all speed up now, can’t it? if i just let it. but people do that, get to the end, and they're angry with themselves.
what did you decide to do? is it working out? Am I thinking too much?
i need you to save me. i have a Tummy Ache and i need you to save me. i cannot sit in a dark, quiet room under such circumstances. i will be tempted by weakness
save me from this dark night with your furry idol beans
alright so i think i have toystory7 in my head factory right now
you are walking through the woods and find a small cat plushie by a tree. you taake it home and don't think too much of it. this plushie comes to life with all of your others toys, and they form an idol group. they become world famous, but have to constantly work around you, because they can't let you find out they come to life. you are really stupid, because you look at your plushies, and then you look at the tv, and have no inkling that maybe they're the same beings, but simultaneously you are obsessed with their idol group. and fuck it, your are a 32 year old woman
toy story 7
im going to florida to pitch this to disney.
the woman is 32 because she is a disney adult. like, theyll love this shit
...
you saying tf2 stopped working on your PC was a lie, wasn't it
XOXOXO,
tf2 enjoyer
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
A shitshow is going on at work, and you have no idea how much I want to send you notifications. It is just the most unbelievable bullshit.
I don't think it's my fault we had the wrong mailing address for this client. Yanno? I got this client 3 weeks ago, and it passed through my predecessor's review. She should've asked him, to be quite frank, for his mailing address. Sorry I assumed she was doing her fucking job.
Yanno I don't care. Like im max chilling right now. I just feel bad for the client. And I'm not afraid of my boss yelling at me for this potentially. Because he should know this is not my fault. It's his stupid fault, and his underling's stupid fault. Ain't my fucking fault god damn it I just got here.
Poor client. Rest in peace.
Well, no one's mad at me. Except the client. My job's intact.
Ever since you watched the movie with the lady's bush you've been obsessed with pubic hair. I'm convinced you send yourself anons just to talk about women's pubes.
You could just ask me for that, kitty. Curl up and purr between my thighs.
XOXOXO,
Tired Office Worker With Abnormal Sexual Fantasies Involving Cats But It's Supposed To Be Ironic Don't Judge Me Too Bad Though I Deserve Judgment
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
You have never touched the flesh of a woman, and considering your taste in fetishes, maybe it's for the best.
...
but i'll let you fuck me anyways
...
I'm disappointed in myself. One day I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore. I'd love to run to you when that day comes. Leave this shit behind.
All of that is selfish though. I've always been like that.
So I'd run somewhere else, and I'd run until I feel ready to die. I don't know how long that would take. Several years? I'd run and sputter out like a samon moving upstream. I'd hope all the pain in me burns me whole until there's nothing left.
... something something, "lets be rational, lets turn this into something good," shit going on in my brain. Yeah, I've justified this life before. The justification still stands, but fuck. The rich are so unashamed of what they're doing. And they just don't care about anyone but themselves.
I can't believe it. It's worse than what people already believe.
XOXOXO,
Your Biggest Fan
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
Your taste in music sucks chodes. You can't dunk on people for their taste in music when your taste is fiendishly terrible. Normally I don't say this, because I love being a hater. But you have serious issues that need to be addressed.
Anyways Miss Kitty Sundae, I need your advice. The gems of your knowledge. The sweet, delicate words that tumble out of your mouth, like gleeful children rolling down a hill. These words of clarity and grace.
I must know how to give less of a shit about work. Because I want to give less of a shit at work. I don't want to be promoted or fired, I just want a modest but livable wage, and to be left alone. However, the quality of work at my office is so bad that I can't just let it stay bad. Am I some sort of perfectionist? Do I care too much about the clients? (No matter how much of an entitled rich cunt they are, it's still someone's money.)
It's both, maybe. There's just a right way and a wrong way to do things, and it aggravates me to leave something wrong. I probably shouldn't be calling clients on the weekend. But I worry about their returns. Do they care about me? Probably not... in fact, no. I don't know why I try so hard for people who don't care.
When do I learn not to behave like this. And have you figured out not to, Miss Kitty Sundae? Are you in a position at work where people are constantly relying on you to fix everything? Have you figured out how to not be that guy for people?
XOXOXO,
Your Biggest Fan
Dear Miss Kitty Sundae,
PLEASE
LET ME HARASS YOU
GOD DAMN IT
Hugs and Kisses,
Your Biggest Fan
brother your'e not the alchemist, your the blackmith. hammering out the worst bar. cmon dude, this is fucking easy shit.
*sensible chuckle*
not everyone gets to become a wizard
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
guess who four gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot
to lose thids thingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg??????????????????????
it's me. it's you/ it's both of us.
do you think id just do nudes
do you think that's all i dooooooo
why do i have this fucking job LOL
what the fuck is wrong with people
like are you fucking serious? you couldn't find anyone better?! the horseshit.
holy fuck
i don't know, man...
just wrong mannnnn
hey
what if i just scared the shit out of this poor sucker? hm? go around crooooning i would if i could scare a lot of people
i should show up absoltely high everywhere all the time
oh t
i was close tonight
because i forgot
i can't forget again
can you blame me thoough?
id give anything for us to play again
"too old for games"
too old for games? :C aw babby boooo all of life is a game nothing matters, Love why not indulge yourself?
you guys are so swerious
kitsunee
kitsune
kitty sundae
there you go man
there's your idol name
you fucking faggot
Hello F,
Cringing at myself for how I treated you again.
Sincerely,
This fucking idiot
Missing you today, F. If I was on my deathbed, and I hadn't heard from you again, I'd be devastated.
I started thinking about this today because of one of those hypothetical posts, "what if the world ended in 8 hours, what would you do?" I'd try to contact you for the final time, would be one of the things. I'd like to pretend that if I didn't hear from you that I'd be okay. No one would know that I was waiting for you. I'd stay strong for my family. We'd all be sitting in the living room, my parents over video call. Maybe they would be crying, and I'd be crying too, but it'd be understandable and controlled given the circumstances.
But I don't think that's how it would go. I think I'd be wreck crying over you. I'd be a massive disappointment for everyone. T would be devastated that I would be devastated over you.
ive missed you a lot lately.
I need to let go of my worries about work. i want someone to mentally breakdown with. that's all ive ever wanted, so why do i do the opposite? why do i carry so much, why do i care about it? there's no reason... no reason...
I wish i had someone to get fucked up with. i don't wanna be healthy. i wanna die young. young and free.
ever just read a post from your favorite problem man and think "oh, now i know what it is about our family dynamics and childhood that trapped us in this thing together."
not sure if i'll ever be completely over you, and whatever that was
USE
THIS
PAGE
F why did you have to choose github of all places. github is so hard to break into. ok it's not, but it's a solide 10 minutes. but i could be screwing with u instead of A if it was more convenient.
i haven't tried mal. i wonder how mal would compare. i doubt it would be any better.
...
it is what it is
baby i havent seen u on MAL lately what happened?
*perplex girlboss face with hands clasped*
Ohhh Foof
we're gonna be dead soon
i cant wait
buddy there's gotta be some way to flip between tabs in virtual studio through a key combo or whater the fuck they're called.
...
KEYBOARD SHORTCUT
i could be playing something. what am i doing here doing this.
buddy, i want to let you know that i'll always be here for you. you never have to say words by yourself. we can say them together
cooo-kie
oh my god dude, the scariest thing just happened to me
so i have those css pages for these webpages, right? but sometimes i get too lazy with up dating ;o them, and i write stuff inline. and i just realized the reason why a color wasn't updating is because i wrote it inline instead of on a css page. and i totally forgot i put that shit somewhere else. so i just made my life harder, now i have to go and fix it.
so scary, man. soo scary. what if i made a giant page like that and i missed one? it'd be crushing. crushing.
btw i am already feeling the pain of not labelling and describing any of the classes ive made. i have no fucking idea what the minimization ray is. but i dont think im going to change a single way im writing this site.
why'd you do it. why didn't you just admit to it. why did you put me through years of wondering and feeling awful.
i want to stop gazing backwards. i want this to stop filling my mind. i used to be able to imagine worlds and color, but my mind is filled with this instead. my creativity is gone.
we're getting old. do you feel it? have you accepted it? it took everything i could muster to accept it. there are doors that are closed to me, things ive wanted to experience. and they'll remain closed forever. it's partly because of the scarcity of time, and the capacity of our bodies. the fact that when you choose to do one thing, you're giving up the time to do another. (called the opportunity cost in economics) but you have to admit, something is wrong with people. people go about their whole lives limiting themselves, and so our experiences by extension are limited.
the road ahead of me is solidified.. it's probably more concrete now than its ever been. i can see what i'll be doing for the next 40, 50 years, unless something catastrophic happens to my life. (i think throwing my life away again would be the most likely catastrophe to happen to me. my greatest enemy is myself) it's scary to think about walking down a road like that for such a long period of time, where the options of new places and experiences grow more limited by the day. it's like one of those bone straight roads leading out to the middle of no where, and less and less crossroads appear as you travel further.
im getting married soon. i managed to dig myself out of the hole i threw myself into career-wise. i haven't told anyone, but the idea of adopting a kid in five to ten years has been growing on me. i feel so ridiculously old.
even though the road is long in years, a long road of doing the same thing most days, the good news is i believe it will be shorter than we think because of how we perceive time. years speed up as we age. it might be fair to say that right now is the halfway point. i think i'll be as ready as i'll ever be, for time to race on by. it's inevitable, anyways; you can spend the time ignoring it, trying to stop it, or accepting the fact.
feeling alone again. maybe... do I want to feel alone, to avoid something?
i shouldn't fret over this, because my job will start in a few weeks. it's not much, but office chatter is something. I'm just looking for something.
still, i miss you tonight
i hate being sober
oh jesus fucking christ F. when were you going to tell me how complicated making a pop out dialogue box is in html.
f ur so lucky i dont have that drive anymore. t wiped it. do u know what im taalking about?
i miean, i can saalways get it back. but. thatd take effort im not willing to exxtend.
so sad i cant call u by cute names on here. its so sad. because i would
i am drunk.....
why did i get drunk woth t's Mom?
because anxiety. i needed to loosen up. but this is too much heheheheheeheh
im a terrible person
yeah
every time im around her i'll always feel guilty
she doesnt know half the damage ive done
s
I need to stop indulging in my bullshit.
"play hide and seek utilizing holes by burying yourself alive" -- how to tell ppl to kill themselves
99% percent of entrepeneurs give up right before they discover the truth about why he left you
99% percent of future leaders give up right before he forgives you for everything that you did
i don't want to go to sleep yet, but i don't know what to do with myself. it's in these moments that i start thinking/doing bad things, so im trying not to rn.
one day we'll never see hide or hair of F again, and one day it won't bother me. i feel like that day is getting close. when i view him in my mind, he's like a dimming sun. a beautiful red sun im watching die.
i wonder how he's doing. though, he's not really a person to be anymore, not in my mind. idk what he is, something dilluted into everything.
i don't think that's a good thing: not seeing a person as a person, and everything that comes with. i hope it never happens again
trying not to do that to A
ive learned that i use dehumanization to justify my malignant actions towards others. once you think of a person as smaller than they are, a sort of lesser being, it's easier to hurt them and not feel guilty about it. it's an evil way of thinking. it's all about the avoidance of feeling guilt or shame, or coping with it if you do feel it.
i never lost the feelings of guilt or shame, but i did try to dampen them by thinking like this. and i think this behavior is stuck to me now, though, i hope to unlearn it.
i dont think i can be a good person, if this energy still lingers inside of me.
the way you yell at bugs is hot
why do i get hornier the more scared i get
i shouldve never been born
F it's going to happen again, I can feel it coming on. I can feel it coming on.
i believed in you but you didn't want to believe in you
what do you do when getting high becomes boring
U KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY QUIRKY IS IF WE PUT BLOOD AND SEX TOGETHER
ooops caps
F, would we still be friends if I had shut up and just went along with it?
...
Fuck man, I still care about you
I can't say it.
I still worry about you.
i worry if you're sick or hurt
i got mad because i dont want to care anymore
i coulnt kill the feeling so i changed it
...
im so tired
i kinda forgot what it felt like to love you, but here it is.
id rather love you than hate you for the rest of my life
i feel like i can look into your eyes for the first time in a long time
...
hey hottie
suck my biscotti
we should avoid each other, A. im sorry. you were right and we should avoid each other. we'll destroy each other's lives--i'll destroy you.
i have a blade i've been sharpening for years; she's beautiful. she can cut clean, and deep. but without blood, she is not complete. every time i put her back in the display case, i feel her scorn, for not allowing her to fufill the reason for her creation.
i can't help but to go back to her again and again; we've been dear companions for so long. when i move with her, she moves not as a tool in my hand, but as an extension of me. that sort of syncronicity is intoxicating. maybe we're both incomplete without each other, and we're both screaming in our seperate containers when we're apart.
i don't wanna see spilled blood, so, she and i had this relationship for years. if i use her, the target should be... i was a coward picking you as a target, and allowing this rage to bite into you.
my life is cooler than yours because i have weed. hate me all you want for that, but can you get high and jack off? no, i dont think you can. my Os are full and robust. yours? small, weak. so, call me a faggot all you want; im winning the cumlympics
what if instead of hating each other, we listen to some cool tunes and i introduce you to clipping?
F, what if your job offered to double your salary, but on the condition that you can only work with a touchscreen keyboard, would you do it
because id make you do it. for free. just to watch you suffer
what the hell, why don't they talk about ISIS anymor
brother, you remember all that shit we were subjected to listen to?
what if the malaysian airline shit was the-people-who-decide-what-wars-get-fought speaking in code to each other
like they just needed an alternative form of communication for a bit
what if piss is beer and they're lying to you saying not to drink it
F,
I'm sorry I'm melodramatic. I'm trying to be a better person.
Things are getting better, slowly. I've managed to bounce back from getting fired a couple of years ago. I might've bounced back sooner if I had the confidence, but, I got here eventually. Job recruiters won't leave me alone now, since I got my certification. It's great, but it's also making me incredibly anxious, because I'm interviewing nearly every day.
I thought I'd never be in a position like this... I guess I have to be more selective with who I interview with, or all these interviews are going to kill me.
Will people talk to me just to socialize, instead of trying to make money off of me? No, no they won't. There has to be a name for a type of loser like that.
I don't know if it's the same situation for you. Ah... I really don't have any idea about you anymore. But you were better than me at school, so I assume you got more attention than I did with career stuff. I'm not really used to this. I was just an A/B student. It feels like we all got hit with the stupidfication ray as soon as we entered our early 20s though, and some survived and some didn't. Your grades didn't help you survive it any better than the other guy. It feels like at least half the people who did better in school than me fell off. Less competition now. All you have to do is mentally hold on.
I'm not saying it's easy, or that I had an easy time with the stupidfication ray. We both know I'm barely holding it together. I just hold it together well enough for my work to not notice.
I'm just surprised that none of our parents seemed to notice this shift in people that happens in your 20s. It makes you wonder why the adults were so adamant about school when we were children, when what it really comes down to is how well you handle your mental bullshit. Grades are somewhat important, in that life is a lot easier if you don't do terribly. But even then, I've met people who skipped school every day who run their own businesses now, and decide the price of their services.
It's very possible to bounce back from failure, and I think the most successful people in life are those who learn how to do that, and don't just give up at the first bump in the road. And also, people aren't as mean or judgmental as we think in person... but they are depressed and drained of energy, which translates into isolation and loneliness.
Writing this didn't make my anxiety feel much better, lol. I'm trying to not be too reliant on weed though, so I'm just going to have to bear it tonight. Besides, I'm not interviewing tomorrow, thank god.
Goodnight man.
love should be an easy thing if you never felt it before. if u never felt it before, then whats there to worry about?
i should subject u to the mario x peach fanfics im forced to witness
it's not too late for the IRS though. do me a solid and vote Biden so they expand the IRS, so i can get paid more and i won't have to pretend to have a lobotomy at work anymore
...
hm. never mind, i guess
I think, F, if you hadn't been a dick to me in college, I would've drank the koolaid and worked at the prestigious Big 4 accounting firms. They pay a lot, and Fortune 500 companies usually want people with a Big 4 background. But they work you like a dog with 80 hours workweeks, doing one form over and over again, and there's a 50% chance your job gets thrown overseas the next year. Even higher chance if there's a recession.
What really sealed the deal though on not going there was the way you treated me. I didn't want to be surrounded by workaholics that cared more about their job than other people.
Though, my attitude has changed since then. It was bad to let your dickish behavior decide my life. Even though people's self-centeredness about their jobs is something to be wary of, I missed out on the opportunity to work with clients of a higher net worth. I would've like to have learned about more complex tax problems than what small businesses face, but I feel like that door is closing on me. Not unless I want to take a pay cut and start at the beginning of Big 4 shittery. (What's worse is that I'd be applying to a job that starts a year from now because they hire a year out for some reason. Bizarre.)
I didn't choose small business accounting, small business accounting chose me. At least I enjoy it, but I just wish I had more opportunities to learn new things.
We never get to do everything we want to in life.
A, you would like Dark and Darker, on Steam.
ike u go through puberty and then u get depressed and anxious and a bunch of other shit. but they don't tell u it's not only that; everyone actually becomes clinically psychotic afterwards because they're perceiving time faster than it actually is going in reality. but no one knows it because we're all experiencing the psychosis together.
we could kill the originator of all mental retardation by finding a cure to puberty, but we're too afraid to question its existence
21f here need help pronounced machete as mah sha tay in front of my man when his dick was out
C'mon man, lets go die together. Lets get really fucked up. Lets do heroin and die, it would be fun.
My css sheet sucks can you fix it for me? I don't feel like going back and editing shit. This site is like driving a beater. I only put so much into it so it at least moves on the road. And I try to get away with skipping inspections.
Bothers me though. Wish I learned how to use classes sooner, and like the hierarchy of code or some shit. Whatever the fuck it's called. Maybe it's just called "hierarchy".
im never lucky with information
Can you tell me why I always forget things? I remember things about work and that's all. I have experiences with T that I forget months later. I watch movies and forget them a month later. It makes it hard to talk to people, because they expect you to remember things you did with them, and the stuff you watch. But I just can't remember things. Do you have this problem?
The only thing that has somewhat explained it is PTSD. I must've had it for a long time then. Like when I wasn't even a teenager yet.
I spun around in the spinny chair with Brewster on my head for 20 min.
F I have another bad idea for you to do. Related to AI. C'mon, buddy... I know you know that I know you wanna know what I'm thinking...
I still miss you sometimes F. Definitely felt like something permanently died in me when I cut you off long ago. Or tried to. I'm not very good at that, as anyone can tell.
I guess tonight is one of those nights.
I feel like a forty year old woman in a suit carrying a stuffed animal around. It how I feel like everyone is. I think we were all lied to as children about the world, and it's more empty than they told us. People don't seem happy, they seem vacant.
Maybe it's just me.
I wish I didn't need people. You always seemed to get along fine without them. I usually try not to be envious, but not tonight.
I'm happy time speeds up as we age. Because I'm done with this shit. I hope it all whirls by and one day I just don't wake up again. I can't try killing myself because the guilt I'd feel from leaving people behind would be too much. I feel this guilt even when considering things that will only slowly kill me, like cigarettes. If I'm not trying to be healthy I feel guilt, because then I'm too weak to take care of other people. So the only way I can kill myself faster is by observing humanity's warped perception of time. There's nothing I can do about it anyways, so I can't feel guilt over it.
We were lied to when we were growing up, and you lied to me too.
ive found some insane religious manifestos about reptilians and ancient aliens, but i guess im just gonna have to keep them to myself huh
have you ever thought about the mixing of races? like, what happens if the races all mix together? what if because we'd all look the same we form into a hivemind. and we function as smaller cells to a much larger body? do you think blood cells at one point or another looked pretty different from each other until they evolved into what they are? and now they kinda function like a hivemind because they all do the same thing. what if people are going to become like that, and what body are we inside of
everyone's certain of dying, i wouldn't have to do anything
question never said that their death had to be caused by my hand, or that their death will take place in relation to the situation in this question. all that is required to keep them where they are is knowing they'll die one day, which i dont think anyone can completely refuse acknowledgment of, but people will try.
when ppl say shit like "girl dinner", "bed-rotting", and "im just a girl u-u" with guro hello kitty or something, i always thought it was ironic and not a lifestyle choice. i thought, "surely there aren't a lot people who mainly interact with each other in this way 24/7. most people are just ironically saying this shit."
and i was wrong.
now i think back to all the times when i said/reblogged stuff like this and ppl thought i was serious (this is so embarrassing ToT)
For much of my childhood, no matter how much she treated me like shit, I'd always go back to her for comfort, with love, and expecting love. And I think that's why I keep returning to people who treat me like shit. Why I keep loving them.
That self-employed cleaning business would've worked, buddy. I felt it in my soul. I woud've slaved to make it work for you because it was such a good idea. All you would've needed is to learn how to not speak like a terminally online 4channer, and better money management so you don't immediately spend every dollar you make. Watching one of my impassioned ideas not come to fruitition is like watching a baby die.
Fuck me though I guess. Hard to change another person's career when they want something completely different. Took me years to convince T he was meant for engineering, and he's only listening to me now.
I see potential in people, and I get passionate about it. It's moves me to see people grow into a better, happier life. Helping you wouldn't have felt like I was overexerting myself, even though it would've been hard work. When work is something I care about, I don't feel that way about it.
hey A
i think cats kinda suck. foxes too.
hwo much plastic surgery do u think leonardo di caprio had
all those long silences between us when we were still talking were times when i was incredibly horny and too scared to say anything. i was afraid of revealing how much of a degenerate i am, because i didn't think there was anything i could say that wouldn't be... it felt... it was paralyzing. and god, it's going to take a long time to get over. fucking stupid.
stop sexually frustrating me
I've learned to make myself into a home. I try to give myself a sense of belonging and comfort from within, because the world shifts uncontrollably.
F why are there so many haters
it's just not right man
wish i could be a tsundere fox girl
No one knows what the fuck I'm talking about when I'm talking about accounting. I don't know why I bother.
If I keep doing this shit to A, January will happen again to another person. I have enough self-control to not return to the origin of my anger, but as I age, how long will that last?
F, you know how insane I'd be if I didn't have to live a normal life? It's a damn shame. Imagine me, but times 10. She'll never get to see the light of day at this rate.
How set in stone are you with your life? Mine feels very planned out. Nah, that's not right. It feels like I walk a straight road down a prarie for the rest of my life. There's not much that's remarkable to see. The weather is always tranquil. The grass is endless. Maybe you'll see something interesting if you look close enough. It's happened a few times. You get tired of squinting though; tired of looking.
"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness."
You know who you are.
And it's obvious who this isn't targeted at.
im feeling vile
simping has gotta work otherwise why would people keep doing it
i wish i could bully simps. it would be so fun. and a way to get the anger out. they keep showing up in my dms on reddit
If everyone around you in the world was replaced with a a clone of yourself what would happen
Find Waldo:
I was going to say something but I forgor -w-
I've been thinking of you more lately F. I can't think of a time when you were directly angry at me, and I'm not sure why you weren't. I gave you so much shit. It makes me sad.
one day I'm going to be at the end of my life and I'm going to wonder why I didn't try killing myself more. I know that'll be my life's biggest regret. Why didn't I do stupid shit more often? The risk of pain feels like a drug.
Thinking of you, F. I wish things were better between us. We're so old now; different people than what we were. It would've been nice for us to have been there for each other, for when the days slip through our fingers, and for when the seasons blend into each other. Soon the years will pass in a chromatic blur of light and sound, and it'll be harder for us to find a foothold in our lives. I think I'm ready for it as I can be. I just wish you were here.
what is this about streaming magnet links, F?
your music is missing the rain sound effect and the soft whimpering of japanese women
i know what type of bird that is, but im gonna let u be wrong about it. bird knowledge dies with me.
im getting in the bad habit of buying shit when ... yanno albums because music. but im gonna be cooler than vinyl collectors because i'll be buying CDs instead. im gonna be such a hipster among hipsters and the problem is they're only 10 dollars so u dont think it's that bad buying a few more. i can see where this is gonna go. hard to resist tho, because music feels so much different when im like this. there's proabably a lot wrong with my brain that makes me like this over a gummy. i feel like a loser you know im actually doing fine. because im here writing this instead of buying anything. i dont care how fucking shit i look to you or your damn friends. go ahead and judge me and speculate. i'll keep coming back here as much as i need to if it means i can stay strong enough to hold the rest of my life together. i dont give a fuck about u or ur space. u said u cant help me, u said you want me gone, so i dont give a fuck about what you think im supposed to be doing.
what the fuck are you going to do about it bud? the only thing u can: suck the dick of the boys in blue to rescue ur sorry ass. always crying for someone to bail u out.
man shit ain't good. can't think of what else to do tho.
i wish i could be an instrument, to express music without the emotion
Well F, I need your help again. I need someone to wait out bad decision night with me.
The problem is that someone new paid attention to me. Lol.
Okay well it's fine if new people pay attention to me. In fact, I love attention and talking. However, some people should be avoided, as I have learned. And as you have learned. We have both learned this.
A real quick glance at this dude's Reddit profile, and it's obvious I should stay away from him. Imagine you and me like a decade ago, but instead of just you being the guy I'm crushing on it's 10 different people simultaneously. And I'm threatening to kill myself all the time, and it's all I ever talk about. ... Yes I know I've done these things and I'm shit, but trust me when I say not to this guy's extreme. And it's the fact that we have similar problems that makes this guy especially dangerous. Like we'll bring out each other's co-dependent clingy shit, and be stuck in some terrible thing together for the rest of our lives.
...
I'm tempted to talk to him because I'm bored. I also want to trust him, and believe in the best of people. That's how I started out in my teens, and I still feel wrong sometimes for distrusting people. But I really have to listen to the part of me that says someone or a situation seems a bit spooky. Because it's usually not wrong. And God, I just got out of that mess with A. Which was caused by me not listening to myself.
...
I hate how lonely I am. But I can't fling myself into the arms of people that will only cause me harm. Him and I, this dude, we'll only cause each other harm.
Apparently, from what I can tell from his posts, he has people in his life that care about him. So it's not like I'm tossing him to the abyss. He should utilize the support he has, especially since they know him better than I.
... I always feel like a dick following this part of myself that warns me about people.
...
There's so many people like him out in the world, it's devastating. It feels like half of all of us are hanging on to life and sanity by a thread. The hell are we supposed to do about this suffering?
Am I selfish for focusing on myself instead of trying to help people like him?
...
I don't, for now, especially since I was almost charged with a crime this year.
ok F i actually need your help right nowe
the fuck am i looking at? is my computer gonna die if i turn off the adblocker? this is some stupid creepypasta page but something's weird about it.
ok don't look at me like that, im easily spooked high ok
ok ur wondering why im even looking at this in the first place. the creepy pasta page told me to, it said the next part is in the source... code. im guessing
i found some cweepy notes but that's it. i keep looking through this to see something more but this is probably just some 13 y/o kid'd beginning to a sp00ki thing before he abandoned it.
im probably just wasting time looking through this
here:
have funim on to another site.
some fictional story about a slave girl in salem and the witchcraft stuff
remember when i was into that witchcraft shit? i think it's a rite of passage for every teen - early 20 something woman to get into
i must've been annoying to you
...
i still cry about it all sometimes
less, now... but anything can remind me of what happened, it feels like. so i'll never completely forget about it, or you by extension.
i wish i knew how other people forget, or how they maintain the optimism that they can forget people. it doesn't feel possible.
this pain is so old, it's not something other than me. it's a part of my house. it's a part of where i live and who i am and my life. it's like a piece of old furniture im constantly stubbing my toe on.
idk f, i don't think teenagers was a word in the 1600s but maybe im wrong.
take a lookie: link
as old as the early 19th century but didn't become a popular word until the 1960s... hmmm. did we give less of a shit about teenagers before the 1960? like they weren't in all of our movies and tv like they are today? i wonder
u better watch out man
aw oof the writing is so bad. i dont wanna make fun of her, lets move on
...
im finding people's resume sites on here... front end developers. is it still worth it to become one of those? i feel bad but ive been getting by with chatgpt for making mine pretty well. i think.
good luck to this dude tho
i dont want to go to bed but i might as well
F help me.
potato is still growing
y'know im a scary girl that can top.
im growing a potato btw
F,
I should really speak to you more.
A fucks with my head. I don't know why I keep reaching out to him. I'm convinced he's a guy with a silver tongue that doesn't mean anything he says. How quickly he turned on me; I was blindsided. It was because I didn't cheat on T. I told him we needed to think about what we were doing, and he's treated me like shit ever since then.
The stalking thing... what can I say. He ghosted me and was treating me like shit, and I lost it. I snapped. What I did was bad. But I'm so tired of getting abandoned like this. The whole thing felt reminscent of what happened between you and I, except, I was able to hold myself together better for you.
Sorry, I'm kind of depressed right now. Maybe now's not the right time to be writing this.
I don't know F, in short, we're still fucked up about A over here. Sometimes I want his forgiveness.
I had a dream about you last night, F. It was very short though, and it didn't make a lot of sense. You reached out to me, and talked to me in the way you used to when we were friends. I was over the moon. But I didn't get far into what you had written before I woke up.
why would I want to forget you?
why didn't they tell us that The Club isn't real
i don't need ur help. i can find swamp pictures on my own.
tfw you realize you can never experience all the potential positive outcomes or all the potential negative outcomes to a choice you made because you only inhabit one body that can pass through and experience this span of time once. and you'll never know if you made the best or worst decision.
why are you pretending to be a christian dude, lmao. stop pretending so much. people aren't worth putting on a show for. you can only find the real ones if you let out your inner demons and drive hundreds of miles to a different state on a work night.
Just a fun fact, but do you remember the bird toy I bought when we were at petco? The birds love fucking under it for whatever reason. That's their spot. Their mistletoe, if you will. And there's this little bell on the toy that Brewster knocks around when he's trying to fuck, because he doesn't care if there's a bell in the way of his woman.
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. I'll just be sitting in the other room and hear it. I'm glad I have this "my pigeons are fucking" alert; I really appreciate buying that with you. At least I got something out of us meeting each other.
it's like praying in its own way
gab-pilled blabbermaxxer
4/27/24
I'm really afraid of you going to the police. Today I looked at your profile, and I felt a bolt of cold lightning go through me. I was terrified because I spoke to you last night. I don't know what you'll do to me because of that.
I'm a very lonely person, and I've never coped with it well. January I completely mentally snapped because of everything in my life, because all the shit that's festered in me for years. Honestly, maybe I had already lost it while we were still talking, and that why I was messaging you so much. I'm extremely pathetic... but I doubt you want to hear much of this sob story, so I'll keep it brief.
I've been doing a lot better, though you haven't seen it. The "diary" as you call it still exists and I write in it every day. I'm surprised by how much it's helped me, because, I've done journals before... I guess now's just the right time for it. I can break in it, and crumble, and talk to myself, and be insane. In a way it helps me accept my own insanity. It also helps me accept my life as it is. Writing about the details of my daily life has helped me appreciate life more, and make it feel less mundane. I feel less bored and trapped.
I've taken 2 months off from work to recover from the bullshit earlier this year. (I'm actually in between jobs right now. I got that license I was working hard for last year finally so I'm looking for something with better pay.) I've started exercising more, I'm cooking more and eating healthier, I'm doing more things to keep my aparment clean, I'm starting to learn Ableton. Things between T and I are better than ever. Most importantly though I'm starting to feel at peace with my life. I can feel sad again without the anger, which is how I used to be, when I was a kinder person. I'm not angry about the things I missed out on in my youth anymore, and I'm not mad that my life isn't more exciting than it is. I feel ready to grow old in this body, and talk about types of dish detergent and gel pens with other fellow boomers.
I hate sitting before you like this, listing out all the ways I feel I've improved. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, small, emasculated. I hate proving myself to people and kissing their feet. It's why I try to be so independent, so I don't have to do that often.
So know it pains me to sit here and plead that you don't go to the police, and that I'm sorry. Despite my progress I still don't have much faith in myself, and I can't promise you that I won't show up in your DMs again spamming you. Pretending I'm more apathetic than I am, I guess. So on the nights that I do that, please ignore me, and spare my sad, childish behavior.
who made you the appraiser of my progress towards getting better? the counter of my days? if anyone besides myself should have that job, would it not be the man that stood by my side at my worst? when i didn't deserve that faith? do you think after threatening me with the cops, you get a seat at the table to judge me? im fucking sorry, but if you want to get out of my life, then get out of my life.
politely telling people to off themselves by handing out panera bread gift cards
i think if u really hated me u wouldve called me a wigger by now
tech faggot
F, I am reminded there's an inverse relationship between level of horniness and intelligent decisions.
Man, what if A really hates me after all of this? ... Do you hate me for everything?
F, have you ever met a xerox copy of a xerox copy? Behavior, interests, etc. All from other people. Apparently there's people go through life like this.
You know I was definitely told at one point that people mimic each other to be more popular. Like there's probably a children's show out there about being yourself and all that. But I thought, people grew out of that. And even if they haven't completely, the mimicking is just about shit like "Haha yeah Sally, I like vanilla ice cream too."
Like the mimicking wouldn't go as far as people's beliefs. Not on beliefs about important shit like economics and society or whatever.
"Why wouldn't it? Who deems what's important? These are things that are just important to you."
Logically, I'd say yeah. If I weren't high, I'd say "Yeah, you're obviously right," and the thought ends there. But to deem subjects like these of so little importance, that you make a crude replica of someone else's beliefs on them and use that as your own. To regard, so little...
I don't think I've ever looked at the inside of this laptop, F. Probably needs to be cleaned. And laptops die quicker than PCs. And I don't want to learn what Windows 12 will be like.
... Why did they skip Windows 9?
Have you ever ran an adblocker for so long you don't know what it's like when there isn't one? I just used a website that had like... a billion connections going to it. Ublock orgin's kill count is in the hundreds. I turned it off, just to see what it's like without an adblocker. It's unbelievable.
I feel like the black spot of hatred that's been in me for years left after that night. Though it took me a while to realize that, because of the shock I felt after what I had done.
I'm so used to it being there that I feel this itch to act like how I used to. But it's more out of habit, malignant behavioral patterns, than something genuine I feel.
I think I can let all of this go. If I just loosen my grip. If I stop scratching what has become an itch. (Is it purely OCD now?)
I learned something about my medication from my new psychiatrist. The mood stabilizer doesn't work like SSRIs, because it targets a completely different part of the brain. It doesn't stop working or drop off like they do. (Especially since this medication is also used to treat seizures. It has to work all the time.) I did feel better after upping my dosage, but I'm wondering if it's a placebo effect.
But this means January didn't happen because my medication was failing. It happened because of something terrible in me, that I hope is gone now.
Two things A,:
I need to suck it up. Be thankful you have his anons to at least vent your weirdness to. It's better than nothing. RIP finding a dude to play video games with though.
I just need a living body that can play Elden Ring. Why is this so hard...
worth
wikipedia page For Him: trousers
wikipedia page For Her: the farthingale
im not "keeping a diary", im chronicling my lore
I'm sorry F, I was so angry because I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't face the shame I felt, that I still feel, for carrying these sick, obsessive feelings. To this day, I still don't know if I can ever get rid of them. The best I think I can do is monitor them. But I know these feelings aren't connected to you, or A, or anyone. There's something wrong with me, that makes me like this. I don't think it's something to be cured, it's something too hard coded into my ways. Who knows what caused it or if I was born like this. I just hope I can control it, and not add another name to the list of people I've hurt with it.
I'm sorry A. I thought this was something that could be cured once I mended my wounds enough with F. I was optimistic when I met you. I should've stayed away.
I made my behavior a joke in my head, to cope with what I had done easier; what I had done to F. The culmination of it all was A in January. I think I understand maybe a tenth of why some people in the IDF act so disgusting. They don't want to take what they're doing seriously, so they can cope with the guilt. They make the bodies of children a joke. And many less extreme examples of that attitude exist everywhere.
F,
I'm not doing well tonight. This might be one of the worst panic attacks I've felt. I woke up from a nightmare last night convulsing in bed. I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. Whatever, I think that was sleep apnea. But I think the experience sent me into a panic attack for the rest of the day, because I couldn't breathe properly. I had (still have) to think about breathing.
I'm not much of an anxiety person. I'm more of a depression/mood swingy person. I think I have too much apathy to get anxious about things easily. So when a panic attack hits, I'm not very prepared for it, or experienced in handling it. It took me a while today, as it usually does, to figure out I'm having a panic attack. I thought, maybe the sleep apnea did something to my breathing, or I had a seizure and that did something to my breathing. I was able to take a nap later in the day, and after reading some stuff online I figured out I was having a panic attack, finally.
It's weird, when I have a panic attack, the last thing my brain wants to do is admit it to itself. Which usually makes it worse.
Right now I'm writing this and waiting it out. All I can do in these situations is wait it out, I think. Try not to ignore it. Just let it happen.
I wish you were here. Though I wouldn't know what to say to you if you actually reappeared in my life, and I wouldn't know why you would.
I feel myself starting to relax more as I focus on writing this. I should take some melatonin and let myself pass out. Part of my brain though is still convinced I can solve my anxiety somehow. (I can't solve an emotion.)
Like I said yesterday, I think A is trying to hurt me as much as possible. I think that's what gave me the nightmare and following panic attack. I guess he's getting what he wants.
On that, I try not to think in terms of what I deserve or don't deserve, because the only thing that matters is what is. He's hurting me, and that's not going to help me. I need to stay away from him. Checking his profile and yours by extension, as well as all the other shit you've had to deal from me over the years, has been a great distraction from pain though. It feels better to face rejection than face a panic attack, for some reason.
How are your grandparents? Mine are all dead. Isn't that something? Soon we'll be 30.
Pray that A doesn't throw me in the brig down the line. I don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity. I wouldn't be surprised if I throw away my entire life at some point. I can't imagine doing this for another 50 years. I don't know how I could pull that off.
Goodnight.
F, I feel as if this man wants me to feel as bad as humanly possible.
stop acting like you give a damn after calling the police on me
hey man you insult properly medicated ball-cockk. not all flirty anons are me. why would i rest my head on jeans that haven't been washed since 9/11?
hey with your permission can i ask you a question?
"..."
What if sperm whales were the dominant species, birds had teeth, and there were no seasons?
"... do you think ur funny. do you think. you're fucking. funny?."
neeneeeneehehehheheheeeheehehehheeheeeee
"bitch. I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING FUNNY. I'LL SEE YOU FUCKING SCREAMING AND WHALING, YOU LITTLE CUNT.
awful bitch
...
you dirty little cunt fucker
cum, stupid slut."
> i get stabbed in the face
F, does anyone ever fully read my posts?
Also, A needs help. Can you go to A and guide him? He cannot differentiate between random anons and me.
I don't think I've sent him an anon in two weeks. That doesn't matter though. What matters is I haven't spawned an account to spam him with for almost a month, meaning he's losing a reason to go to the police. Unless if he wants to go to the police over anons, which would be hilarious.
I've tried saving him from the conumdrum of trying to guess who is me and who is an anon, but he keeps threatening the police. So I can't reveal myself to him.
Oh F, I'll never be able to clear my name with him if he thinks every flirty anon is me. Is this my divine punishment for committing idoltary against you?
21M here got Manhandled and bullied by my female cousin throughout our teens and I couldn't stop her, I was the skinny one and felt so vulnerable and pathetic I almost didn't feel like a man
really though, why are all musicians from Iceland good?
every time something bad happens, if i get depressed, anxious, or angry, i run here. i use the pain from here to distract myself from the pain occurring around me. hoping the tragedy in my head will numb me to my surroundings
does anyone here know how to find my sanrio spirit guide?
F, you seeing this shit?
u will never find me again !!!!
why do i always choose idiots
almost burned my eggs thinking about you just now. i thought it was cute how you couldn't look me in the eye when we met. your awkwardness was cute in general... you seemed very flustered around me. hehe
how many people are going to hate me throughout my life due to my own toxicity and clinginess. ive burned so many bridges. the reason im lonely is my fault
you would know about foot fetish commission art (so would i)
menny wessel uwu
You know what would've been an idea? We could've shared small business clients, you help them out with tech stuff and I'll help them out with their accounting. I don't know if we could've been under the same business name, I don't know if there's some weird independence rule with that. (If so I've never heard of it) But we could've at least been neighboring businesses recommending each other.
There's so few accountants out there for small businesses, gathering clients would be a walk in the park.
I could start my own business, but I'm just so nervous about working on my own. >.<
why do i ruin every chance i have to be extremely slutty
hey man
what if u took the pill? what would happen? aren't u curious? because u could order it now
what if i put birth control in ur food?
can i experiment on you? please?
i think if you reach a certain level of wealth or fame you automatically become a pedophile. idk what exactly that level is but the pedophilia comes with the job.
stop saying funny things so i don't feel tempted to talk to you :(
*thinks back wistfully to your youtuber impressions* idk they were kinda cute, man
Some people never grow out of the shadow of childhood. What I mean are the weird pointless rules we learned as children that have no consequence if you break them, but people will go their entire lives thinking they'll die if they don't abide by them. I think of G and D when I say this. But A, you too in some ways, but at least you're still young and haven't wasted your whole life yet with this behavior.
You made me realize a pattern, that people who tend to refuse help also refuse to help others.
does alcohol give you secret insights?
your ceaseless silence is a comfort in these trying times, and i mean that unironically
put a lid on it
quit posting bait
we could've worked through your problems together my man
are you sure you don't want to go to boston? it would be more fun than this and the weather is beautiful (i should've just gone to boston instead of saying the quiet part out loud)
i think ugly people that are a bit too sensitive should be a national political issue. i think we should dedicate our lives to shaming these people. i think we should prioritize this issue over affordable housing and the ever-increasing wealth disparity around the world.
if you wanna fuck a guy go do it yourself
nah sorry A I still miss you, fuck.
fair warning to everyone reading (the bots) if you're hoping for like... a final decision from me to make on anything it's never gonna happen. im always changing my mind on shit and im unable to let go of people.
my inability to let go of people is the point of this page actually. if anyone was confused about that.
anyways, guess what i discovered:
It's just you and me again, Fox. Well, no, it's not really you. What do I call you? The person, Fox, is resolved, gone, but a shadow is left where he stood. The shade is older than him. It points to the distant past, towards things I covered up with your visage. It's going to take some getting used to, to see a wisp where a man once stood. I wish I wasn't here anymore, and I'm disappointed to find myself here again. I think I have to accept I can't leave. But at least now I'm only here with a shade.
...
I don't really know what to do, man. It's Sunday. I don't know what direction to take my life in.
i think the lesson to be learned here is you can't trust a guy who is both suicidal and concerned with self-defense
a question mark from the side would look like an exclamation point
ballad against fake bitches (e minor)
YOU NEED TO LET YOURSELF HAVE ONE FORM OF ESCAPISM THAT'S A PREVALENT PROBLEM FOR MANY PEOPLE. If you want people's empathy or sympathy. Otherwise you end up like me, with weird behavioral problems nobody wants to understand or listen to.
I still miss you and I'm sorry. I wish I could be mature enough and say it directly to you and leave it at that, but I know I'll get depressed and crazy again if I do. I miss you though. I had a terrible weekend. All I did was chores and errands. I'm tired of working 6 days a week. I wish we could've done more together. I know I keep saying that, but it's true. We could've done so much together.
despite everything i still don't know how github works
are you a femcel?
you know what's fascinating about board games? you don't have to take them seriously. it's a game. you don't need to be as precise and accurate in them as your real job. that's cool to me.
Coding fucking sucks, man. The hell with... I don't get what this shit means.
Every day, America is losing Chads to the virgin walk. It's a pandemic they won't tell you about.
SHOULD I USE DOUBLE SPACE WHEN WRITING? Now's the time to come roaring back into my life with the answer. Because I know you know the answer to that better than anyone.
For now I will try to remember because I like this font but it's hard to see the start and end of sentences. Or maybe I'm going blind.
What if I look like a pretentious douchebag though? Using the fucking double space and putzing around in half moon glasses with a copy of Infinite Jest.
Kind of hate the fact I have that book. First chapter was great but god I can only care so much about ivy league tennis players.
...
Oh, HTML ignores double space apparently. Or maybe there's a solution to that. You would know the answer to that as well. But it's too much effort for me to figure out on my own.
Would you like me if I acquired mushrooms? Might be hard to get but buddy, I live up to my word.
Don't think shrooms are that hard to get actually but I'm keeping my secrets to myself.
What about you? In the back. Yeah, I haven't forgotten about you. How could I forget about you? Hey man, I sure tried. Care to waltz back into my life in exchange for psychedelics? No? Not even a little tempted?
God. Nobody fun fucking exists.
I should've physically moved myself away from my boyfriend when I tried breaking up with him. He was so emotionally forceful about us getting back together, I felt smothered and terrible. I was already a wreck from breaking up with him, and then the shit in January happened. I felt too weak to say no to his advances. If I break up with him again I need to put physical distance between him and I. Find my own apartment, stay with a friend. I thought he'd be better towards me when we broke up and that we could manage living together platonically, but no.
But maybe it was for the better that it went that way. I don't know. I spent too much of myself chasing the wrong men. I don't really trust myself in choosing the right guy. My boyfriend right now doesn't treat me terribly. Therapy books everywhere say I should stay with him. Common sense says to stay with him. What do I know about anything... I fucking give up trying to figure this shit out. I just end up fucking myself over no matter what I do. I guess I'm just going to be okay with him but there's something... quietly miserable, and empty, about this relationship, about this life. And I just have to live with it.
Did you know that men who work in construction have the highest rate of suicide of any occupational group? source
I gotta allocate you the same section of "bad people who I shouldn't interact with" in my mind, and stop thinking the person who cared about me is still in you.
i don't wanna be alive
i don't wanna be outside
i can't help this state of mind
i can't help this type of bind
Gimme all that you can
Hand in darling hand
"we're in a rush from the times"
"we need to go, find a place to hide"
we give ourselves our own abrasions
I count cowards across the nation
All around, this fucking blight
leaves me screaming in the dead of night
You say to me, "I'll choke your cries
Cross our fingers, hope to die"
Well every time you think fate is set
One shy look and a pirrouette
Male coded activity: Flirt with someone and then just kinda
when you get asked out.
I don't know why I always go back and check your profile. I just end up feeling sad. This person I feel connected to and he hates me. I don't know what to do about it. This always happens to me when I meet someone I really like. So once they go I'm left in a world with people I have to try to like. I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I just can't enjoy more types of people. I hate being like this.
God, I worry. How the fuck am I supposed to do this job and fucking deal with this. I'm fucked in the head.
What if I trained an AI bot on your social media posts? So it can mimic you? So I can always have you in some form forever?
:D
You could probably get away with having a cat. Your Mom's across the country and I doubt she's gonna sneak home to find ya. She'll call and be like "Sweetie I'm coming home" or whatever. But you have the power of socializing, so you could get one of your friends to watch your cat for a while while she visits.
Better yet, you could tell her that your watching a friend's cat for a bit. See how long it takes for her to catch on to the fact that there's always a cat when she visits.
She asks you, "Son, what is this cat doing here."
"It's my friends's cat."
"Son, this cat is always here when I visit."
"What do you mean?"
"Does this cat live here?"
"What the fuck are you talking about Mom? Are you okay? Are you getting a bit fucked in the head?"
"Son--"
"What the literal shit you fucking degenerate?"
"I'm sorry."
Aw dude, that'd be so funny. You should do that.