I had a dream about you last night, F. It was very short though, and it didn't make a lot of sense. You reached out to me, and talked to me in the way you used to when we were friends. I was over the moon. But I didn't get far into what you had written before I woke up.
why would I want to forget you?
why didn't they tell us that The Club isn't real
i don't need ur help. i can find swamp pictures on my own.
tfw you realize you can never experience all the potential positive outcomes or all the potential negative outcomes to a choice you made because you only inhabit one body that can pass through and experience this span of time once. and you'll never know if you made the best or worst decision.
why are you pretending to be a christian dude, lmao. stop pretending so much. people aren't worth putting on a show for. you can only find the real ones if you let out your inner demons and drive hundreds of miles to a different state on a work night.
Just a fun fact, but do you remember the bird toy I bought when we were at petco? The birds love fucking under it for whatever reason. That's their spot. Their mistletoe, if you will. And there's this little bell on the toy that Brewster knocks around when he's trying to fuck, because he doesn't care if there's a bell in the way of his woman.
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. I'll just be sitting in the other room and hear it. I'm glad I have this "my pigeons are fucking" alert; I really appreciate buying that with you. At least I got something out of us meeting each other.
it's like praying in its own way
gab-pilled blabbermaxxer
4/27/24
I'm really afraid of you going to the police. Today I looked at your profile, and I felt a bolt of cold lightning go through me. I was terrified because I spoke to you last night. I don't know what you'll do to me because of that.
I'm a very lonely person, and I've never coped with it well. January I completely mentally snapped because of everything in my life, because all the shit that's festered in me for years. Honestly, maybe I had already lost it while we were still talking, and that why I was messaging you so much. I'm extremely pathetic... but I doubt you want to hear much of this sob story, so I'll keep it brief.
I've been doing a lot better, though you haven't seen it. The "diary" as you call it still exists and I write in it every day. I'm surprised by how much it's helped me, because, I've done journals before... I guess now's just the right time for it. I can break in it, and crumble, and talk to myself, and be insane. In a way it helps me accept my own insanity. It also helps me accept my life as it is. Writing about the details of my daily life has helped me appreciate life more, and make it feel less mundane. I feel less bored and trapped.
I've taken 2 months off from work to recover from the bullshit earlier this year. (I'm actually in between jobs right now. I got that license I was working hard for last year finally so I'm looking for something with better pay.) I've started exercising more, I'm cooking more and eating healthier, I'm doing more things to keep my aparment clean, I'm starting to learn Ableton. Things between T and I are better than ever. Most importantly though I'm starting to feel at peace with my life. I can feel sad again without the anger, which is how I used to be, when I was a kinder person. I'm not angry about the things I missed out on in my youth anymore, and I'm not mad that my life isn't more exciting than it is. I feel ready to grow old in this body, and talk about types of dish detergent and gel pens with other fellow boomers.
I hate sitting before you like this, listing out all the ways I feel I've improved. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, small, emasculated. I hate proving myself to people and kissing their feet. It's why I try to be so independent, so I don't have to do that often.
So know it pains me to sit here and plead that you don't go to the police, and that I'm sorry. Despite my progress I still don't have much faith in myself, and I can't promise you that I won't show up in your DMs again spamming you. Pretending I'm more apathetic than I am, I guess. So on the nights that I do that, please ignore me, and spare my sad, childish behavior.
who made you the appraiser of my progress towards getting better? the counter of my days? if anyone besides myself should have that job, would it not be the man that stood by my side at my worst? when i didn't deserve that faith? do you think after threatening me with the cops, you get a seat at the table to judge me? im fucking sorry, but if you want to get out of my life, then get out of my life.
politely telling people to off themselves by handing out panera bread gift cards
i think if u really hated me u wouldve called me a wigger by now
tech faggot
F, I am reminded there's an inverse relationship between level of horniness and intelligent decisions.
Man, what if A really hates me after all of this? ... Do you hate me for everything?
F, have you ever met a xerox copy of a xerox copy? Behavior, interests, etc. All from other people. Apparently there's people go through life like this.
You know I was definitely told at one point that people mimic each other to be more popular. Like there's probably a children's show out there about being yourself and all that. But I thought, people grew out of that. And even if they haven't completely, the mimicking is just about shit like "Haha yeah Sally, I like vanilla ice cream too."
Like the mimicking wouldn't go as far as people's beliefs. Not on beliefs about important shit like economics and society or whatever.
"Why wouldn't it? Who deems what's important? These are things that are just important to you."
Logically, I'd say yeah. If I weren't high, I'd say "Yeah, you're obviously right," and the thought ends there. But to deem subjects like these of so little importance, that you make a crude replica of someone else's beliefs on them and use that as your own. To regard, so little...
I don't think I've ever looked at the inside of this laptop, F. Probably needs to be cleaned. And laptops die quicker than PCs. And I don't want to learn what Windows 12 will be like.
... Why did they skip Windows 9?
Have you ever ran an adblocker for so long you don't know what it's like when there isn't one? I just used a website that had like... a billion connections going to it. Ublock orgin's kill count is in the hundreds. I turned it off, just to see what it's like without an adblocker. It's unbelievable.
I feel like the black spot of hatred that's been in me for years left after that night. Though it took me a while to realize that, because of the shock I felt after what I had done.
I'm so used to it being there that I feel this itch to act like how I used to. But it's more out of habit, malignant behavioral patterns, than something genuine I feel.
I think I can let all of this go. If I just loosen my grip. If I stop scratching what has become an itch. (Is it purely OCD now?)
I learned something about my medication from my new psychiatrist. The mood stabilizer doesn't work like SSRIs, because it targets a completely different part of the brain. It doesn't stop working or drop off like they do. (Especially since this medication is also used to treat seizures. It has to work all the time.) I did feel better after upping my dosage, but I'm wondering if it's a placebo effect.
But this means January didn't happen because my medication was failing. It happened because of something terrible in me, that I hope is gone now.
Two things A,:
I need to suck it up. Be thankful you have his anons to at least vent your weirdness to. It's better than nothing. RIP finding a dude to play video games with though.
I just need a living body that can play Elden Ring. Why is this so hard...
worth
wikipedia page For Him: trousers
wikipedia page For Her: the farthingale
im not "keeping a diary", im chronicling my lore
I'm sorry F, I was so angry because I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't face the shame I felt, that I still feel, for carrying these sick, obsessive feelings. To this day, I still don't know if I can ever get rid of them. The best I think I can do is monitor them. But I know these feelings aren't connected to you, or A, or anyone. There's something wrong with me, that makes me like this. I don't think it's something to be cured, it's something too hard coded into my ways. Who knows what caused it or if I was born like this. I just hope I can control it, and not add another name to the list of people I've hurt with it.
I'm sorry A. I thought this was something that could be cured once I mended my wounds enough with F. I was optimistic when I met you. I should've stayed away.
I made my behavior a joke in my head, to cope with what I had done easier; what I had done to F. The culmination of it all was A in January. I think I understand maybe a tenth of why some people in the IDF act so disgusting. They don't want to take what they're doing seriously, so they can cope with the guilt. They make the bodies of children a joke. And many less extreme examples of that attitude exist everywhere.
F,
I'm not doing well tonight. This might be one of the worst panic attacks I've felt. I woke up from a nightmare last night convulsing in bed. I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. Whatever, I think that was sleep apnea. But I think the experience sent me into a panic attack for the rest of the day, because I couldn't breathe properly. I had (still have) to think about breathing.
I'm not much of an anxiety person. I'm more of a depression/mood swingy person. I think I have too much apathy to get anxious about things easily. So when a panic attack hits, I'm not very prepared for it, or experienced in handling it. It took me a while today, as it usually does, to figure out I'm having a panic attack. I thought, maybe the sleep apnea did something to my breathing, or I had a seizure and that did something to my breathing. I was able to take a nap later in the day, and after reading some stuff online I figured out I was having a panic attack, finally.
It's weird, when I have a panic attack, the last thing my brain wants to do is admit it to itself. Which usually makes it worse.
Right now I'm writing this and waiting it out. All I can do in these situations is wait it out, I think. Try not to ignore it. Just let it happen.
I wish you were here. Though I wouldn't know what to say to you if you actually reappeared in my life, and I wouldn't know why you would.
I feel myself starting to relax more as I focus on writing this. I should take some melatonin and let myself pass out. Part of my brain though is still convinced I can solve my anxiety somehow. (I can't solve an emotion.)
Like I said yesterday, I think A is trying to hurt me as much as possible. I think that's what gave me the nightmare and following panic attack. I guess he's getting what he wants.
On that, I try not to think in terms of what I deserve or don't deserve, because the only thing that matters is what is. He's hurting me, and that's not going to help me. I need to stay away from him. Checking his profile and yours by extension, as well as all the other shit you've had to deal from me over the years, has been a great distraction from pain though. It feels better to face rejection than face a panic attack, for some reason.
How are your grandparents? Mine are all dead. Isn't that something? Soon we'll be 30.
Pray that A doesn't throw me in the brig down the line. I don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity. I wouldn't be surprised if I throw away my entire life at some point. I can't imagine doing this for another 50 years. I don't know how I could pull that off.
Goodnight.
F, I feel as if this man wants me to feel as bad as humanly possible.
stop acting like you give a damn after calling the police on me
hey man you insult properly medicated ball-cockk. not all flirty anons are me. why would i rest my head on jeans that haven't been washed since 9/11?
hey with your permission can i ask you a question?
"..."
What if sperm whales were the dominant species, birds had teeth, and there were no seasons?
"... do you think ur funny. do you think. you're fucking. funny?."
neeneeeneehehehheheheeeheehehehheeheeeee
"bitch. I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING FUNNY. I'LL SEE YOU FUCKING SCREAMING AND WHALING, YOU LITTLE CUNT.
awful bitch
...
you dirty little cunt fucker
cum, stupid slut."
> i get stabbed in the face
F, does anyone ever fully read my posts?
Also, A needs help. Can you go to A and guide him? He cannot differentiate between random anons and me.
I don't think I've sent him an anon in two weeks. That doesn't matter though. What matters is I haven't spawned an account to spam him with for almost a month, meaning he's losing a reason to go to the police. Unless if he wants to go to the police over anons, which would be hilarious.
I've tried saving him from the conumdrum of trying to guess who is me and who is an anon, but he keeps threatening the police. So I can't reveal myself to him.
Oh F, I'll never be able to clear my name with him if he thinks every flirty anon is me. Is this my divine punishment for committing idoltary against you?
21M here got Manhandled and bullied by my female cousin throughout our teens and I couldn't stop her, I was the skinny one and felt so vulnerable and pathetic I almost didn't feel like a man
really though, why are all musicians from Iceland good?
every time something bad happens, if i get depressed, anxious, or angry, i run here. i use the pain from here to distract myself from the pain occurring around me. hoping the tragedy in my head will numb me to my surroundings
does anyone here know how to find my sanrio spirit guide?
F, you seeing this shit?
u will never find me again !!!!
why do i always choose idiots
almost burned my eggs thinking about you just now. i thought it was cute how you couldn't look me in the eye when we met. your awkwardness was cute in general... you seemed very flustered around me. hehe
how many people are going to hate me throughout my life due to my own toxicity and clinginess. ive burned so many bridges. the reason im lonely is my fault
you would know about foot fetish commission art (so would i)
menny wessel uwu
You know what would've been an idea? We could've shared small business clients, you help them out with tech stuff and I'll help them out with their accounting. I don't know if we could've been under the same business name, I don't know if there's some weird independence rule with that. (If so I've never heard of it) But we could've at least been neighboring businesses recommending each other.
There's so few accountants out there for small businesses, gathering clients would be a walk in the park.
I could start my own business, but I'm just so nervous about working on my own. >.<
why do i ruin every chance i have to be extremely slutty
hey man
what if u took the pill? what would happen? aren't u curious? because u could order it now
what if i put birth control in ur food?
can i experiment on you? please?
i think if you reach a certain level of wealth or fame you automatically become a pedophile. idk what exactly that level is but the pedophilia comes with the job.
stop saying funny things so i don't feel tempted to talk to you :(
*thinks back wistfully to your youtuber impressions* idk they were kinda cute, man
Some people never grow out of the shadow of childhood. What I mean are the weird pointless rules we learned as children that have no consequence if you break them, but people will go their entire lives thinking they'll die if they don't abide by them. I think of G and D when I say this. But A, you too in some ways, but at least you're still young and haven't wasted your whole life yet with this behavior.
You made me realize a pattern, that people who tend to refuse help also refuse to help others.
does alcohol give you secret insights?
your ceaseless silence is a comfort in these trying times, and i mean that unironically
put a lid on it
quit posting bait
we could've worked through your problems together my man
are you sure you don't want to go to boston? it would be more fun than this and the weather is beautiful (i should've just gone to boston instead of saying the quiet part out loud)
i think ugly people that are a bit too sensitive should be a national political issue. i think we should dedicate our lives to shaming these people. i think we should prioritize this issue over affordable housing and the ever-increasing wealth disparity around the world.
if you wanna fuck a guy go do it yourself
nah sorry A I still miss you, fuck.
fair warning to everyone reading (the bots) if you're hoping for like... a final decision from me to make on anything it's never gonna happen. im always changing my mind on shit and im unable to let go of people.
my inability to let go of people is the point of this page actually. if anyone was confused about that.
anyways, guess what i discovered:
It's just you and me again, Fox. Well, no, it's not really you. What do I call you? The person, Fox, is resolved, gone, but a shadow is left where he stood. The shade is older than him. It points to the distant past, towards things I covered up with your visage. It's going to take some getting used to, to see a wisp where a man once stood. I wish I wasn't here anymore, and I'm disappointed to find myself here again. I think I have to accept I can't leave. But at least now I'm only here with a shade.
...
I don't really know what to do, man. It's Sunday. I don't know what direction to take my life in.
i think the lesson to be learned here is you can't trust a guy who is both suicidal and concerned with self-defense
a question mark from the side would look like an exclamation point
ballad against fake bitches (e minor)
YOU NEED TO LET YOURSELF HAVE ONE FORM OF ESCAPISM THAT'S A PREVALENT PROBLEM FOR MANY PEOPLE. If you want people's empathy or sympathy. Otherwise you end up like me, with weird behavioral problems nobody wants to understand or listen to.
I still miss you and I'm sorry. I wish I could be mature enough and say it directly to you and leave it at that, but I know I'll get depressed and crazy again if I do. I miss you though. I had a terrible weekend. All I did was chores and errands. I'm tired of working 6 days a week. I wish we could've done more together. I know I keep saying that, but it's true. We could've done so much together.
despite everything i still don't know how github works
are you a femcel?
you know what's fascinating about board games? you don't have to take them seriously. it's a game. you don't need to be as precise and accurate in them as your real job. that's cool to me.
Coding fucking sucks, man. The hell with... I don't get what this shit means.
Every day, America is losing Chads to the virgin walk. It's a pandemic they won't tell you about.
SHOULD I USE DOUBLE SPACE WHEN WRITING? Now's the time to come roaring back into my life with the answer. Because I know you know the answer to that better than anyone.
For now I will try to remember because I like this font but it's hard to see the start and end of sentences. Or maybe I'm going blind.
What if I look like a pretentious douchebag though? Using the fucking double space and putzing around in half moon glasses with a copy of Infinite Jest.
Kind of hate the fact I have that book. First chapter was great but god I can only care so much about ivy league tennis players.
...
Oh, HTML ignores double space apparently. Or maybe there's a solution to that. You would know the answer to that as well. But it's too much effort for me to figure out on my own.
Would you like me if I acquired mushrooms? Might be hard to get but buddy, I live up to my word.
Don't think shrooms are that hard to get actually but I'm keeping my secrets to myself.
What about you? In the back. Yeah, I haven't forgotten about you. How could I forget about you? Hey man, I sure tried. Care to waltz back into my life in exchange for psychedelics? No? Not even a little tempted?
God. Nobody fun fucking exists.
I should've physically moved myself away from my boyfriend when I tried breaking up with him. He was so emotionally forceful about us getting back together, I felt smothered and terrible. I was already a wreck from breaking up with him, and then the shit in January happened. I felt too weak to say no to his advances. If I break up with him again I need to put physical distance between him and I. Find my own apartment, stay with a friend. I thought he'd be better towards me when we broke up and that we could manage living together platonically, but no.
But maybe it was for the better that it went that way. I don't know. I spent too much of myself chasing the wrong men. I don't really trust myself in choosing the right guy. My boyfriend right now doesn't treat me terribly. Therapy books everywhere say I should stay with him. Common sense says to stay with him. What do I know about anything... I fucking give up trying to figure this shit out. I just end up fucking myself over no matter what I do. I guess I'm just going to be okay with him but there's something... quietly miserable, and empty, about this relationship, about this life. And I just have to live with it.
Did you know that men who work in construction have the highest rate of suicide of any occupational group? source
I gotta allocate you the same section of "bad people who I shouldn't interact with" in my mind, and stop thinking the person who cared about me is still in you.
i don't wanna be alive
i don't wanna be outside
i can't help this state of mind
i can't help this type of bind
Gimme all that you can
Hand in darling hand
"we're in a rush from the times"
"we need to go, find a place to hide"
we give ourselves our own abrasions
I count cowards across the nation
All around, this fucking blight
leaves me screaming in the dead of night
You say to me, "I'll choke your cries
Cross our fingers, hope to die"
Well every time you think fate is set
One shy look and a pirrouette
Male coded activity: Flirt with someone and then just kinda
when you get asked out.
I don't know why I always go back and check your profile. I just end up feeling sad. This person I feel connected to and he hates me. I don't know what to do about it. This always happens to me when I meet someone I really like. So once they go I'm left in a world with people I have to try to like. I don't know what's wrong with me, and why I just can't enjoy more types of people. I hate being like this.
God, I worry. How the fuck am I supposed to do this job and fucking deal with this. I'm fucked in the head.
What if I trained an AI bot on your social media posts? So it can mimic you? So I can always have you in some form forever?
:D
You could probably get away with having a cat. Your Mom's across the country and I doubt she's gonna sneak home to find ya. She'll call and be like "Sweetie I'm coming home" or whatever. But you have the power of socializing, so you could get one of your friends to watch your cat for a while while she visits.
Better yet, you could tell her that your watching a friend's cat for a bit. See how long it takes for her to catch on to the fact that there's always a cat when she visits.
She asks you, "Son, what is this cat doing here."
"It's my friends's cat."
"Son, this cat is always here when I visit."
"What do you mean?"
"Does this cat live here?"
"What the fuck are you talking about Mom? Are you okay? Are you getting a bit fucked in the head?"
"Son--"
"What the literal shit you fucking degenerate?"
"I'm sorry."
Aw dude, that'd be so funny. You should do that.