"I go to Master Gotama for refuge, to the Dhamma, and to the Saṅgha of monks. May Master Gotama remember me as a lay follower who has gone to him for refuge, from this day forward, for life."
I think the single time I did metta meditation it helped my OCD, but then I didn't do it again lol. The metta meditation helps me focus on my goals: being nicer to people and less angry at them; not engaging in bad behaviours. I tried doing it today, but I don't think I had the right focus for it, so I will have to try again tomorrow. It kept me away from A for a while, but I started feeling stressed out again. I think if I just meditate every few days or when I feel like it's needed, (I should do it every 4 days at least) I'll see improvement in myself.
Meditating isn't very easy for me. That and exercise have been hard to do as of late. I've just been to anxious about jobs to try and take care of myself. But the thing is, if I don't take care of my body and mind, I'll be making my anxiety and OCD worse, and I'll feel even more lethargic about trying to get better. So I have to get myself to try, even when I'm anxious, even when I think I can treat myself and relax a bit. I can't talk myself into that. I have to keep up the exercise and do meditation. (Even though I don't enjoy meditation.)
My OCD keeps trying to talk me into compulsions, with this manipulative, positive internal dialogue that I wrote about in this post:
My brain isn't angry or scared when it tries to get me to act on a compulsion. Not as much as a couple of years ago, anyways. It'll say things like, "Hey, good job on not checking for a while. You're getting so close to being all better! I bet if you checked right now, it wouldn't even be that bad. I bet you won't even feel anything. You just have to not let it bother you when you look, and fortunately we're all in control how we feel, right? So just don't feel bad when you check, should be easy, right?"
"Besides, you're a bit curious, right? On how it's doing. You've been doing so well, you should treat yourself! A tiny peek won't hurt."
It's pretty horrible. It all starts up again, and it takes several days of not giving into compulsions in a row to start to feel more in control. (Which is hard to do.) Once I get to that point, this sort of talk starts up in my brain, and I go back to square one.
I hate it. I'm wondering if anyone else has this toxic positive talk in their brains, and how you handle it.
I need to recognize that I keep manipulating myself like this.
Writing some more mantras so I can feel a bit more personally attached to what I'm saying.
May I be free of intrusive thoughts.
May I be free of compulsive behaviour.
May I treat myself gently and with compassion.
I've been reading about metta meditation, which is about wishing goodwill towards yourself and others. It's very simplistic. You start with wishing yourself well, then the people you love, people you're neutral to, people you don't like, and then everyone.
I keep trying to find more information about it, but it really is that simple. The goal is to generate warm feelings for yourself and others.
I don't think I like how simple it is. I have problems with hate and anger, and... I don't know. I guess my mind is thinking, "my big important problem needs a big, hefty solution with lightning bolts and wizards or something". People are just telling me to do this though, from that post I made on the site the other day. (In The Thought Reel)
It's also very mushy, the whole thing. I'm not comfortable with stuff like this... not since F. I would feel guilt for having loving feelings, and they're hard to express now because of it.
I guess rn I will work on something to say while meditating. Not sure if I'll post it here yet.
Well, I think it's going to be hard for me to create my own prayer at this point. If you can call this a prayer. I guess it's a prayer. It's something. These are the lines I'm going to use for now, centered around compassion:
May I be free of suffering, harm, and disturbance.
May I accept things just as they are.
May I experience the world accepting me just as I am.
May I serve whatever arises.
I started crying a bit before the meditation... just at the thought that I will have to start saying these things about other people, once I get through step one, which is wishing yourself well. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
Even before F, I wasn't allowed to be myself at home. So I've been putting a damper on my emotions for a very long time. So even if I didn't have the anger issues I think this still would've been hard to practice.
While I meditated, I felt a heavy stone in the center of my body. A mental image appeared of me, drenched, standing on a single wet boulder in the middle of the ocean, with no shoes and barely any clothes. The rock was slick and hard to stand on. The sky was filled with dark, grey, mean clouds... the wind was whipping up the waves. There was no rain or lightning, yet. The waves did not overtake myself and the boulder, yet. But I felt in the frosty chill in the wind, the sudden drop in temperature, that the storm would start soon. I felt defeat. I felt a numbness fall over me, a preparation mentally, before giving up my body to the waves.
Didn't meditate last week but I should have.
I learned that the Pali Canon is closer to Theravada Buddhism than Mahayana. Which, hm. I don't know, should I switch? I identify more with Mahayana.
Eh... I don't know. Maybe I'll just study some Mahayana texts in addition to this.
Questions/observations I have after reading this once:
Reminder of the five precepts for laypeople
If one brings the five precepts to perfection, commits themselves to inner tranquility and awareness, does not neglect jhana, endows themselves with insight, and frequents empty dwellings, they will be able to:
On Wednesday this week, I was anxious. Because of the wedding and the job searching, I'm sure. I think in particular, if it was wrong for me to have a lavish wedding like my Mom wanted. It honestly felt bad, and it still kind of feels bad now, to have a wedding that's more than $1,000. I just feel like the money could be used for something better.
So I meditated, trying to not anticipate any sort of result from it. I remembered what I read last week, that it's okay to have a modest yet pleasant lifestyle. To sustain the self. It made feel a bit better about spending some money on the wedding... though... it's not in my nature. I think I might just let other people take the reins for the majority of it. Let them have fun with it.
If we had things my way--which we won't--we'd get married in court and go out for pizza afterwards, and call it a day.
Monk's question: why are those who are not self-aware of their status inferior to those who are?
Monk's question: What do you mean by blemish, taint, tarnish?
Answer: The influences of evil, unskillful wishes. Examples:
"Now friend, if these influences of evil, unskillful wishes are seen or heard to be unabandoned in any monk, then even though he's a wilderness dweller, a dweller in isolated lodgings, an alms-goer, a house-to-house alms-goer, a refuse-rag wearer, a wearer of coarse robes, still his companions in the holy life don't pay him honor, respect, reverence, or veneration. Why is that? Because these influences of evil, unskillful wishes are seen or heard to be unabandoned in him."
"Just like a bronze bowl brought back from a shop or a family of smiths clean & pure, into which the owners would arrange the carcass of a snake, a dog, or a human being and—covering it with another bronze bowl—would carry back into the market..."
"But, friend, if these influences of evil, unskillful wishes are seen or heard to be abandoned in any monk, then even though he's a village dweller, a receiver of meal invitations, a wearer of robes given by lay people, still his companions in the holy life pay him honor, respect, reverence, or veneration. Why is that? Because these influences of evil, unskillful wishes are seen or heard to be abandoned in him."
This last part about the story of a carpenter that works on wagons is confusing. I think the carpenter is being praised for treating all the work he does for his customers with the same quality and care, even if some of the customers are loathsome in some way.
Vocabulary:
It's interesting that the Buddha has no qualms with labeling some people as good and others as evil. See here:
'These beings—who were endowed with bad conduct of body, speech & mind, who reviled noble ones, held wrong views and undertook actions under the influence of wrong views—with the breakup of the body, after death, have reappeared in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, hell. But these beings—who were endowed with good conduct of body, speech, & mind, who did not revile noble ones, who held right views and undertook actions under the influence of right views—with the break-up of the body, after death, have re-appeared in a good destination, a heavenly world.'
Maybe what I said are the wrong words. He recognizes there can be good or evil in people in accordance with their karma. Because the Buddha can recognize this, it’s not immoral or offensive to recognize that some people are inclined to evil more than good. There’s no need to thought-police the self when you think someone is a bad person.
Thinking someone is a bad person is different than treating them like one. It's important to let yourself judge whether a person is good or bad.
Quotes:
“Bhikkhus! In one who considers attentively certain factors [which should not be considered], there arises the defilement of sense-pleasure[12] that has not yet arisen, and there also is an increase of the defilement of sense-pleasure that has already arisen; there arises the defilement of hankering after better existence[13] that has not yet arisen, and there also is an increase of the defilement of hankering after better existence that has already arisen; there arises the defilement of ignorance[14] that has not yet arisen, and there also is an increase of the defilement of ignorance that has already arisen. These are the factors which are considered attentively [by an ignorant worldling] though they should not be considered.
"That person considers improperly thus: 'Did I exist in the past? Did I not exist in the past? Who was I in the past? How was I in the past?[15] In the past, who had been I and who was I [in the subsequent existence]? Will I exist in the future? Will I not exist in the future? Who will I be in the future? How will I be in the future? In the future, having been who, who will I be?' "Also as regards the present, uncertainty arises in him thus: 'Do I exist? Do I not exist? Who am I? How am I ? From where has this soul come? Where will this soul go?' 19. "In a person who thus considers improperly there arises one of the six [wrong] views. The view 'I have self'[16] arises in him really and firmly. Or, the view 'I have no self' arises in him really and firmly. Or, the view 'I perceive self through self' arises in him really and firmly. Or, the view 'I perceive non-self[17] through self' arises in him really and firmly. Or, the view 'I perceive self through non-self' arises in him really and firmly. Or, he has the view thus: 'That self of mine speaks, knows and experiences the results of wholesome and unwholesome actions.[18] That self of mine is permanent, stable, durable, incorruptible and will be eternal like all things permanent.' Bhikkhus! This wrong view is called a false belief, a jungle of false beliefs, a desert of false beliefs, a thorny spike of false beliefs, an agitation of false beliefs and a fetter of false beliefs. Bhikkhus! The ignorant worldling who is bound up with the fetter of false beliefs cannot escape rebirth, ageing, death, grief, lamentation, pain, distress and despair. I declare that he cannot escape dukkha.
"Bhikkhus! In this Teaching, the bhikkhu, reflecting properly, avoids a fierce elephant, a fierce horse, a fierce ox, a fierce dog, a snake, a tree-stump, a thorny place, an abyss, a precipice, a refuse-pit and a cesspool. If a bhikkhu dwells in such an improper place, resorts to such an improper resort and keeps company with evil friends, his wise fellow-bhikkhus would suspect him of involving himself in evil circumstances. Reflecting properly, he avoids improper places, improper resorts and evil friends. "Bhikkhus! Āsavas and other destructive and burning defilements may arise in the bhikkhu who does not avoid such improprieties with proper reflection. Those āsavas and other destructive and burning defilements do not arise in the bhikkhu who avoids such improprieties with proper reflection. Bhikkhus! These are called the āsavas that are to be removed through avoidance.”