Old Reel: Feb 2024 - Jun 2024

Big accomplishment for today: I figured out a way to file down Brewster's claws, so they can stop scratching me.

We had to figure out a way to immobilize him, because he just wants to play all the time and won't sit still.

What we did was T cut the bottom off a round tubberware container so it's a tube. Then I wraped it in paper towels and towels so the sharp edges don't hurt Brewster.

Then I put him in the tube. He looked hilarious; I wish I could've gotten a picture. But I didn't want to keep him in it for longer than it was necessary.

Then I sacrificed a nail file and just went to town on his feet. He wriggled out of the tube once, but he stayed in it longer than the other methods I tried. I'd rather him be able to wriggle out of it anyways, so I know that I'm not hurting him.

His feet look a lot better. One of his nails got so long that his toe couldn't sit flat on the ground. Also that nail was the culprit of a few scratches that broke my skin.

I want stupid (alcoholic) chocolate milk drink. I got stupid yesterday though.

I hope I become less cringe some day.

T and I have been getting into Dark and Darker. I'm happy I finally found an entertaining game to play with him. I'm still upset that we haven't finished Baldur's Gate 3 because he doesn't want to fight a hard boss, while I do...

I might as well get the DLC to Elden Ring when I get a new job. I'll find someone to play with some how... or not.

This other woman I met outside the discord server, in small subreddit we're both in, is about as shit at video games as I am. We have similar backgrounds, and she seems open to learning video games. Maybe we can play some together, it would be nice. I guess I could start her out on Stardew Valley, or... There's plenty of QTE games. I'm surprised her boyfriend doesn't help her out with this, and hasn't offered to play with her or anything. :( Oh well, it's good news for me.

...

It shouldn't be this hard to find new people to talk to. :(

Can't take any chances with A. I need to cut this shit out. It's going to make my anxiety with job searching worse.

Alright, maybe I just need to learn how to be more tolerant and accepting of people. Because I'm not going to get anywhere with finding co-op buddies if I get mad for feeling different from other people.

*sigh

And, yanno, I have to keep looking. Keep talking to new people. Hope I strike lucky one day...

For this group though:

• Just don't participate in the gooning. Like what the fuck ever to this, it's awkward as shit.
• Fuck anime discussions until I decide to try again.
• Keep quiet about my troubles. Like, if I'm really feeling it(tm) I can allude to them but... they're not going to get it. Their parents take care of them still. (The older sounding one might be more normal though, I'll try talking to her.)
• Maybe just lurk until there's invites to video games. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Job searching is anxiety inducing. I'm absolutely shocked, but it seems I have enough qualifications to become an IRS agent for close to $100k a year. Well, I shouldn't get my hopes up about getting that job. Better to wait until I actually get the job to celebrate. (Idk I couldn't get a job like that. I'll just assume I can't and the interview is just for practice.)

Another identity crisis is I don't feel like I'm worth $100k. Like that just sounds like a ridiculous amount of money meant for someone smarter and more capable than me. There's no choice really though than to go for that amount... only way to afford anything, plus T's debt.

I wonder if I scare people in the discord server. I keep venting about job searching and it kills the chat. Even in the vent channel. Maybe none of them have a job...

It's too bad, not finding people your age to talk to. If I take this IRS job it'll get worse. Well, my industry is already boomer city and there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope people don't think I'm weird for talking to people outside my age range. Because I don't really have a choice. There's no late 20s ppl.

There should be more people my age though. I don't understand why there isn't. The CPA exam wasn't... super hard. Just long. You spend a long time studying. It becomes a waiting game eventually. You try to ignore the end point, and focus on doing one thing routinely for a solid year. I think... I dunno what I think. I just think there should be more people my age in my field cuz idk how to talk about lawns with boomers when i dont have one.

I feel like everything I do is a checklist. I just don't feel any emotions behind what I do anymore. I've learned how inhibiting emotions are. They make you scared of things that there's no reason to freak out over. Like this job searching. I don't think... I've felt this anxious since January.

Does anyone have a DvD player they're not using? I'm collecting/burning my own CDs/

I wonder if anyone's really tried to record everything that happens on this planet as accurately as possible. Like make it their life mission and what they spend all their time on. How far did they get?

Fuck

Shit is... fucking stupid.

jesus christ

I fee l more like a jackass every day

can trauma make you forget or not absorb TV and movies. Because I swear to fucking god I can't remember anything in any show I watched. Absolutely insane. I can't rememebr a plot for the life of me after a month or so.

on eeeeeerrooo

will F's email ever disappear

I wonder

There's gotta be a point where it's deleted by Google for inactivity

oh F

what are you doing

that man

I lost so much

Do you understand, A

sometimes you break and you can never play a facade again

you think there's no point pretending

we all die eventually and people go away

you break and you stop pretending to be anything you're not. all of your good and especially all of your evil. you stop trying to be anything but. because this world will wash away eventually. there's no point in pretending to be anything, and to put in more effort than you need to.

most people don't understand that. you can be so much right now. it's so easy to get away with shit. because everyone's spending all their energy pretending to be something they're not. saying things they don't think. they're distracted from how the world actually is. if you just live in this world, instead of the head, and just FUCKING LOOK, the world opens up. you see paths most people miss.

people have a broken record of self hatred in their head that clouds their ears and deafens their eyes to life. they walk blind, following one another off a cliff, the blind leading the blind. i feel bad, it's not their fault. there's something sick about this world. it's amplified by the modern age.

i can't believe noone but me is excited to become a cougar one day and ponder about leonardo's surgery habits. the fuck do you MEAN there's better things to talk about???????

discord server is gonna execommunicate me because i don't cum

To A: I CAN'T CUM

!!!!!!!!!!

you know im something of a sinner, myself

F

AM I A FUCKING SINNER?

AM I A FUCKING LITTLE WHORE BITCH SINNER?

AM I NOTHING MORE THAN A SMEAR IN TH FACE OF GOD?

WILL GOD LOVE ME?

WILL GOD LOVE ME JUST FOR ONCE?

just for once.

you would know F, you would know.

you actually read the bible

more than i did, anyways.

it's not my fault they didn't teach me the bible

they think kids are stupid so they wouldn't get it. so they make you sing songs about fairies over and over again.

i never felt a connection with God. the songs never moved me.

by the time you get to your teens and they actually start reading the bible, it's already too late. you've been spacing out for the entirety of church for too long. you're not about to change now because they deem you old enough to handle it. you were old enough to handle it years ago. dumb fucking bitches.

i keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye. it happens once or twice a day. i think i see movement and there's nothing...

i don't know what that means.

i don't believe anything is happening. i tell myself, nothing is happening. but it keeps happening every day. and it didn't used to be that way.

i tell myself im getting older. im more sensitive to things in my peripherals. a bit more jumpy. it's nothing.

but it's not, is it? if this happens as we age, and im still in the first half of life... how am i going to be when im 60? is it going to get worse? is it going to grow from 1-2 things to 5-6? do things start crawling out of my peripherals, into the dead center of my vision? and i know it's going to get worse. this is from the years of accumulated bullshit piled on top of one another. you break, and break. your mind caves in from the weight. and it's gone.

aging is synomyous with the wear and tear of life. life hacks at your soul. it's not just the physical body that suffers under wear and tear. our minds slowly go over time. aging is watch yourself inevitably go insane because life is too much. even if you try to be optimistic about it, you still go insane eventually anyways.

i don't know why there's so many words in me and why i can't stop.

i think my hands are moving at the speed of thought as i type.

the neuro connection is automatic.... i feel, sad for myself. ive spent so much of my life in front of a keyboard. though, i shouldn't be complaining. it's not that bad.

funny, too. having a cottage and living in the woods, a simple life away from technology. only something the rich can afford, despite it's fronting that it's supposed to be the life of the working class. once it was. Once. no longer. the poor live in cities. the rich live in the scenic hillside.

when does it stop

fuck i have to do the survey lmao. for the reddit study.

mmmm i can't do stardew valley. because the girlies need weeeeeeeed.jioejfoiwe. maybe i'll ask t to move if more ppl join that. ejirejowejro

i miss you F

wish i could be beautiful one day.

there will always be a part of me connected to f. always something i lost.

it's been so llong, i don't know what it feels like anymore. the feelings i had for f, a fleeting memory of a feeling.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

some day we'll feel happiness for the final time.

and we'll forget its memory

i wish i could remember you f

but you made it hard to

i wish i could remember what made me fall in love with you

half a life ago

war erases history. i didn't forget you. there was just too large a war. the memories collapsed under the falling buildings and rubble.

people don't go senile. there's just too much war. our souls collapse under the falling buildings and rubble

if life was better, if we were happier, if we could be happier, there wouldnt' be much senility. because life would be worth remembering

im not suicidal. but imagine if i could be. and i used this to guide my actions. this feeling i bury so deep. this knowledge. where would i be? what would i be? would i finally feel complete, accepting this as a part of me, wills i then be happy?

oh my god some cruel person took all the amaretto (past me)

yeah i think aging is just your body going mad, and your mind going mad, and they both just don't know what to do with themselves anymore and just die.

lol what if i posted that to shower thoughts or some shit.

or what i said earlier.

holy fuck, should i?

probably shouldn't check A's profile just because im feeling sleepy and somewhat bored

a sign that the drugs r wearing off :c

christ.

doing drugs might be a good way to pass the time. the same thing is already happening, it's just accelerated when u drug.

mmmmmmhhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm fuck i missed stardew valley. idk it's almost midnight i dont wanna wake t.

i don't really like stardew much, i'll played it too much. but i just want to be drunk and stupid with a bunch of people even if they kinda hate me.

take weed and use alcohol as a chaser for a long period of fuckery.

some people are permanently high. what's stopping me?

(everything)

i wish i could play a violin

i should rotate between guitar and composition....

I had my therapy appointment today. Egh... it doesn't seem to help much. It's all the same shit I've heard before. Maybe I should've talked more about A, but I've been avoiding that with her. I just don't like talking about it.

I haven't been doing good with him though. I keep sending him anons. My therapist told me even if he does respond to them, he's not really talking to me. Because it's an anon. I guess she's right, and I don't want to be reduced to an anon anyways. I want A to like me.

She also said I'm doing this because of my OCD. Which makes sense, because I am stressed out right now with everything else going on. I'm spamming stupid shit to A to cope. I'm just not used to thinking of myself as someone with OCD. It's something I forget about if I get wrapped up in it. I just start going along with my emotions on everything.

I should stop looking at his profile. I keep saying to myself, "This will be the last day I look at his profile," and I do it again the next day. I don't know how to stop.

I seriously can't get along with anyone.

"omg so one time i was manic and all i did was watch yuri and play video games ToT"

yeah?

I drove serveral hundred miles to stalk someone and got threatened with a restraining order

FUCK

I hate this discord server I swear, but I don't fit in anywhere and I'm lonely. I just want a video game buddy why is this so hard.

why does my brain think like this. why can't i just be obsessed with yuri and anime like other people.

i wanna stick my head in an oven.

Oh holy fuck if this girl doesn't stop talking to me about her dire and tragic week long obsession with her gf and acting like we're the same, I'm going to fucking kill her.

God damn it God what do you MEAN spamming A and stalking his social media is a compulsion?

what if i just woke up one day and replaced everyone's sight with shrimp vision

im also realizing this page is getting too long and making the site lag so i will create a new page in July

Had a dream last night about sharing a cigarette with a beautiful woman.

I don't feel motivated to do anything today. I feel scattered brained.

I want to hang out with people on discord but all I can think about now is getting a job. It seems it's all I'm motivated to do. I feel like a workaholic.

I posted my resume on Reddit, hoping that people can tell me what salary I should be asking for. I have a real shit perception of myself and my abilities; if I were to say what salary I think I deserve, I'd say something like $5.00/hr despite my masters in taxation. So I want some outside help when it comes to judging myself. I highly doubt they're all going to say my resume is terrible, but yanno, I'm still a lil scared of that.

I still have to find something nice to wear to job interviews.

And I still don't know what to do about the fucking wedding.

I wonder if my Dad appreciates the fact that I don't ask much from him, or if he doesn't care and is happy to keep the money he has. I don't think I've ever gotten a thank you for being as self-sufficient as I am.

Well today I had a fun morning trying to figure out why I got denied a credit application I never applied for. Turns out the dentist I went to tried putting a loan in my name without telling me? Thank god I was denied, but holy fuck that's illegal.

Never going back to say the least. Hope that whole business burns in flames.

ASPEN DENTAL. There's locations across the country; don't go to them!

Then I went through the ordeal of making sure I have access to all my credit bureau accounts in case something bad happens. I think if anything my credit is just gonna get dinged, so I'm not gonna care.

My credit is pretty mediocre tho fml.

Discovered a little treat you can afford for a dollar: a transunion credit report. Capitalism works.

I can't stop thinking about it. My parents are offering tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding ceremony I don't want. After I had spent years living in a single room with family that's not even my own, and before then, a cockroack infested apartment where half the appliances didn't even work. After how long T and I have been agonizing over student loan debt. And they know all of this.

And all the people I've met since I've moved out that don't have anything. The fact that it seems half of my generation are still living with their parents. The millions of people working 60-80 hour shifts doing backbreaking work, bodies failing at 40 because of work related injuries.

I can't do this. I already feel like and awful person because I know the rest of my life is going to be spent enabling the rich at my job. Helping them exploit loopholes left in our tax laws on purpose.

Watching money get thrown away for a single frivolous party disgusts me.

When T gets home I'm going to ask him if we can get married in court. I think he'll agree to it.

I have a bad feeling about the dentist I went to yesterday. I've never gone to a dentist and not have my teeth cleaned right then and there. I think I'll go to another one for a second opinion.

I keep missing A. Damn it.

Getting motivated to find new shit to do and fighting boredom isn't easy, though it does make life better if you can do it. (It makes me feel happier anyways.) It doesn't answer, "what's the point," though.

Having a purpose helps a lot too. I think I got lucky in some ways because caring for my disabled brother has given me a purpose. It motivates me to stay healthy and stable for when I take on the responsibility from my parents, and to try to enjoy the small things in life in the meanwhile.

I meet so many people who feel like they don't have a purpose, and I think it's one of the main causes for people's unhealthy behavior. They can't find a reason to take care of themselves. I feel bad; I don't know how to help them.

Something I've been fumbling around in the back of my head is why I became addicted to anger. As a child, my first reaction to things was sobbing, and then in my 20s, I became angry and I couldn't control it. I think I was rebelling against my own self-criticism. I criticize myself a lot if I don't act like a good person--many of us do. You get so tired of hearing that critical voice in your head, especially when life keeps not working out despite listening to the moral side of yourself. You think you need to try something different, other than listening to that voice. So I chose to bury it under anger, and now I have trouble digging it back out.

My energy is coming back, now that the tooth stopped growing. Or maybe I was sick with something else?

It's gonna be so fun when I lose the ability to speak for a week because of tooth surgery.

Yummy yummy $5,000 in dental work to get my wisdom teeth removed, and I have no job. <3

Apparently removing teeth costs about $1,000 per tooth.

It's fine. I shouldn't even be complaining, I'm perfectly okay. I just want attention. D':

I haven't done it yet, I'm thinking about how to pay for it still. Hopefully the tooth doesn't start acting up again.

Really need a job now though!

Btw I made a Buddhism page.

My vacation is over as of today.

What did I learn?

Despite my ambitions I didn't get the things I wanted to done. I was hoping I'd have a song by now, but I don't.

Is that bad though?

A few weeks into the vacation I felt myself slow down, and I accepted this feeling, even if it meant not completing goals. Because another part of this vacation was about observing myself. I think it's a luxury to pick things up and put them down as you please without consequences. Most of our lives are spent doing things we're required to do for the maintenance of our health. (Work jobs for food, shelter, etc.) I think I enjoy flittering around to different projects and interests as I choose, instead of focusing on one until I've reached perfection. It feels sinful to think this way. Our society expects you to produce perfection. Companies measure the speed of their workers and expect perfection. Online, people are quick to call each other cringe if they don't live up to their expectations.

I have to dig into my motivation on why I want to be highly skilled at something. Maybe I equate skill with love: if you are skilled, you are loved. If you have no skills, you are unlovable.

Didn't know there was a Z axis thing going on in css. Would've been nice to know.

I think the background image is about as good as I can get it, but I'm mad that the background is fuzzy on the home page because I had to scale it. Note to self, draw on a higher res next time. I think.

I could fix it more but do I want to? The screwy parts of it are hardly noticeable now. I think I'll just leave it until I get really bored one day.

I need to practice religion more. I'm going to try to on Sundays as a goal.

It takes me by surprise every time, when the guy-who's-only-interested-in-smoking is not enthused by the creation I made. Some will say that I've been, well, "owned". But maybe, this next creation

Tooth pain is draining my energy.

If I die of sepsis, let everyone know that I tried.

I don't understand. I'm constantly lonely, but I finally found this discord server to talk in, but now I don't feel like talking. I just feel real tired. It's probably all the shit I'm fighting off. This lethargy makes the days real boring.

Can't believe the week I decided to start job hunting is the week I have to get my wisdom teeth removed. That's gonna screw me up.

I think it's just the lethargy talking, but I don't want to go back to work.

My emotions talk so much, but what do I really think about anything? When are my thoughts real and when are they mere emotion?

There's more rules on Reddit than at the TSA.

Despite everything I read Buddhist texts today. I'm surprised "drooling idiot" is in the Pali Canon. xD

Not feeling great today, but mood wise better than yesterday. PMS is bad. My whole head hurts because my wisdom tooth is coming in weird. The left side of my mouth is swollen and it's hard to eat. Still dealing with the UTI and my period started.

I really don't think my feelings are real. It's all chemical. The slightest my biological chemicals are off and I spiral. I question whether I'm real if I'm at the whims of my biology.

T and I have been playing a pokemon randomizer, but I'm kind of bored of it. I also think his enthusiasm for it is annoying. Idk how someone can laugh so hard at the fact that the randomizer made nidoran a water type, for example.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood today. This week sucks in general.

On the opposite end of the spectrum this girl wants to play league with me, but she seems kind of scary about it idk. Every time I play league with someone they're always really too engrossed in league and they get scary. Now idk what to say to her.

Yeah maybe my mood is still shit.

There's 3 people trying to talk to me, damn. League girl isn't that bad btw.

It's a bit overwhelming. @_@

I still feel gross and sickly though, I'm not sure if I'd make for a good gaming buddy today. Feels like someone is trying to stick a hot rod of metal in the left side of my head.

Idk what to do though. :(

Maybe a gummy will help me feel less miserable. :3

idk i should've became an actor

making subtle sexual faces on command is something of a skill

is this guy's facial expressions practiced?

why couldnt have i been cute

asked ppl if they could lick my eyeball i hope im delivered swift licking

one could only dream of a warm wet compress such as that

man this guy needs chip damage for wonder guard

i swearr he lies

i swear every expression is carefully plotted

idk man. do the really popular streamer s actually like their job or is it all acting

i feel like it's gotta be fjfjfjfjfj

why do i doubt reality being real? why do i believe everything is subterfuge?

wish i was in a band

oh god im obsessed with her

where is she fuck

https://juliechristmas.bandcamp.com/track/supernatural

wish i could scream and for it to sound beautiful

then i could scream more

ive had to rewrite my brain so many times

how many times will i die in this life?

iiiiiiiiii just wanted to se you agaaaaaaaaain

it's endless death

i watch things end over and over again

and none of it makes sense

but you can bet everything on it

we dont know if it's hernoworthen

i shouldn't give up on the music

how long have i been too kind

no one should give me shit ever

god she's 48? there's hope for me!

F I'll fucking kill you one day

Longest day of the year.

I feel like I've finally recovered my energy from the attempted camping trip this week. That was an inhumane level of tired yesterday.

Well it didn't take long for a loli porn apologist to appear in the discord server. How exhausting, to come out of isolation and deal with these types of people again. Guy was lucky I was away from the chat at the time.

I hope the server doesn't get corrupted with that shit, but if it does I'll meet who I can now and move on. I'd be lucky if one person still wants to talk to me after the server inevitably goes dead or devolves into pedophilia.

Kid diddler enthusiast is like, "God I'm so judged by people I hope no one holds this against me," well clearly not judged enough if you start yapping about it after just a handful of days of meeting new people.

I like these song lyrics. Someone in the server showed this to me. Kind of reminds me of A:

Post Party Depression - Days N Daze

Peel the mask away

Drop the masquerade

Lose the tough guy facade

The world's a scary place

Everybody's afraid

Whether they'd like to admit or not

It's the truth

Sooner or later this party gets busted

And all your friends stumble back home

But you're the loose cannon

That could never be trusted

So you'll hide from the cops all alone

Again

Tell me when the fire dies down

What the fuck will you do?

When the man comes around

What the fuck will you do?

Who's gonna be there to catch you

When your plans all fall through?

When you were flyin' your white flag

Who never gave up on you?

The future is terrifying

It constantly plagues my mind

Where will I be in ten years

Will I be homeless?

Or buried?

Or have children and be married?

Or will I still be stuck standin' right here?

Either way it's been a privilege

To have had time to spend

With my wonderful family and friends

So I'll toast to all of you

And to all that you do

You're fuckin' awesome don't you ever forget

'Cause when the fire dies down

What the fuck will you do?

When the man comes around

What the fuck will you do?

Who's gonna be there to catch you

When your plans all fall through?

When you were flyin' your white flag

Who never gave up on you?

Build up your confidence

Will lead to have a breakdown

And every morning that you wake up's just a let down

Find yourself a comfort or two

Adjust until your face down black out fucked up

Just to help yourself forget

The world we live in is a terrifying place

Who will be ones who are there

When the rest have gone away

The ones who've turned their back on you

They're staggerin' off the plank

Come back a fuckin' cannon

Blow 'em away

And watch them sink

Tell me when the fire dies down

What the fuck will you do?

When the man comes around

What the fuck will you do?

Who's gonna be there to catch you

When your plans all fall through?

When you were flyin' your white flag

Who never gave up on you?

Tell me when the fire dies down

What the fuck will you do?

When the man comes around

What the fuck will you do?

Who's gonna be there to catch you

When your plans all fall through?

When you were flyin' your white flag

Who never gave up on you?

I made an email for this site: wretchedconviction@gmail.com. I'm not sure if I'll ever use a guestbook. I guess I want a lot of control over what's seen and read on here.

I feel a strong sense of self-loathing today. I miss A.

I feel like I don't deserve to eat.

I hate myself.

I hate how hard I have to try and I just want to stop. I want to stop working. I don't want to improve on myself. I want to become nothing. I want to hurt myself so much, so I can feel nothing but the pain. My arms are clean of any scarring. Everything I do is in careful moderation, for the preservation of myself. I fucking hate it. I want to be shot in the face.

Camping trip pictures! Despite how short it was:

im so horny ttoday but if i cum the uti will take longer to heal u-u

this world is so cruel

making me horny and depressed at the same time

i wonder if i just threw an audio out there of me cumming if people would come back and talk to me again

i wish i knew if that would work or not

people would think im horrible. they already do

i feel like i need to put porn of myself out there just so anyone pays attention to me

no one gives a shit about you if they can't fuck you

i cant believe these people are all i have for company for the rest of my life

i feel so depressed

god it's better to be single. people actually want to talk to you then.

no

there's just something wrong with me

for thinking that

no

im not wrong

... this server i joined. maybe i should just give up. it already seems to be going in a sexual direction. there's no where i can go.

no one's talking

what can i say?

im not very good at acting horny around complete strangers. it feels unsafe because i don't trust them. if i pretended otherwise it'd feel forced

i dont know how people do that

i really want to get hurt

i want to be hit in the face with a pipe

i want to be slowly beaten to death

i want the pipe stuck in every hole of my body

i want to be choked with it

im such a miserable failure

at talking to people

i should just let them use my body

i always screw it up though. i always back out. why. why do i always hope for better than this. i always hope it will be ok for me to back out but then they leave. and im alone again.

i'm so tired today. all the weird sleep i got on the camping trip killed me. i had a coffee today but it did nothing. i've been fading in and out of sleep all morning.

so far im really enjoying the discord server i joined. we played gartic phone last night. most of them are still college aged, and i feel mentally older than them. it sucks but what can you do. no one wants to hang out and do anything so my options are limited. im just happy they're all women because i need friends my own gender.

i feel like ive mentally aged five to ten years since the beginning of the year, with finding out more about how my mental health works. and letting a lot go from my teenage years, the bad shit, and the shit i missed out on.

im only humble bragging about my mental maturity because there's a new feeling growing in me. im starting to feel... motherly. part of why i never wanted kids was because i thought i'd be a terrible mom, and maybe i would've been if i had kids right away. but now i feel like i'd be able to handle the task.

still, there's so much wrong with the world right now, and the situation with my brother is abnormal and will make it harder for me to raise a child.

maybe id even want a kid by now if things weren't the way they are. but it's fine. it doesn't mean i can't express some of those motherly feelings towards the people i meet. for example, i feel strangely protective of this one 18 year old girl in the discord server. even though we're not related by blood, i see my younger self in her.

Feeling lonely tonight. I don't think I belong anywhere sometimes. Not sure how I'm going to fare with all the sexual shit going on in this server.

I slept okay last night, better than usual for a camping trip. First one awake in the whole area, I'm not complaining.

Poor T seems like he had a rough night. I'm surprised mine wasn't worse. Some how we lost the tent we used last time, but we happened to have a much smaller tent mixed in with a bunch of hand-me-down stuff. It can barely fit us though. T is almost too long for it. The air mattress wants to burst out of it.

He gave me a pissed look because he's still trying to sleep, but I decided to bring the birds out of the car. I can't blame him.

I still miss A. He's not a bad person, but I have to tell myself that so I stay away from him. After all, he keeps telling me to fuck off, and he threatened the cops on me. I should probably stay away from people who act like that.

This morning is impossible without coffee. I don't want to start that though without T. I might be too loud and wake him, as I've already done several times.

I think I just heard Bidoof in the woods.

Shitting so extremely watch me run across multiple streets for a nice bathroom only to find it's locked who fucking locks a bathroom all the way out fucking here. There are no poor people.

Hoity toity ass motherfuckers.

Watch me run backwards across multiple streets for a less nice bathroom that I can finally shit in. Surprise myself that I didn't shit my pants while sprinting. The bathroom is a sweat den and shadows creep outside the stalls but I'm afraid to leave. Horrified by the possibility that I may be struck by the shittening again.

Still better than reading the words of 20 NPCs telling you to go to therapy.

Chanting litanies to stop myself from pissing.

High, high chance we're gonna leave early today mostly because I am ill. But the weather was already not looking good. And I'm expecting my period soon. And we don't have the shit we need for some reason.

We're leaving today, unfortunately. I actually feel better in comparison to earlier today but it's just too much of a risk to our happiness to not call it off. Besides, if we're feeling better and the weather's good we can come back later this week. I have this site reserved for a long while.

Made it home. I keep thinking there's bugs crawling on me still. Found a perfectly intact half-inch leaf in my vagina when I showered. Dunno what it means...

Well we're here. We're camping up by Lake Winnepesauke.

Our day was long. T woke up at 4 am to pack because I forgot to tell him check in time is much later than that. Oops. So he's had it rough all day.

My morning was rocky too. I had to go to the urgent care today for the UTI. The appointment went fine, but it just took a long time.

Still though, T did a lot of the work today. I don't know how he has the energy. I kept asking him if he needed help packing, or setting up the tent, or driving, but he insisted doing it all himself. I told him today at dinner, "I'm just going to start doing things without asking you for help so I can contribute around here," and he laughed.

There was some worrying and stress today, with packing and figuring out the tent, but we managed to find solutions we both agreed on. We're both stubborn people with ideas. Talking things out and working on a compromise is a daily routine.

I'm not complaining. This is how relationships are.

Let me tell you about the campground. It's... unsettling, but not on the surface.

This campground is actually a lot nicer than... maybe every single one I've been to? It has wifi. A heated pool. An adult obstacle course. Ziplines. Cell signal. Jesus fucking christ y'all.

... T just turned to me. He's playing around with a light that is powered by a handcrank, because he enjoys gadgety things like that. I told him, "turning that handcrank is like the adult version of a fidget spinner." Behold, another way to solve the energy crisis.

So, the weird stuff about this campground, other than the amenities being over the top. The woods sound weird, and I've been to a lot of woods.

First of all there's red squirrels here, which I thought were only found in the Rockies. Very far from here. To anyone outside America, I live by the Atlantic, and red squirrels are all the way over towards the Pacific. That's what I learned. I've seen two so far, but I've been hearing them everywhere. They're so territorial, and the cries sound like they're getting impaled. Though, maybe I'm just seeing/hearing the same squirrel. A mutated one.

The birds here sound weird too. I mean, it's been a while since I've regularly experienced the outside, because I've been spending the past few years socially as a hikomori. But I swear I've never heard these bird songs before. Not all of them sound pleasant either.

... Okay, I saw the red squirrel again, and now I'm leaning more towards I'm seeing the same one with a genetic mutation. The ears are rounded; the ones I saw in Wyoming had pointed ears. Also, this squirrel is so thin and small despite being an adult length. It looks like Pixar designed it. Honestly? Pretty cute squirrel, until it opens its mouth.

There's a lot of families here with young kids, which is just like, American culture. You can't go anywhere outside without evincing someone's small child. Which is okay 99% of the time, it's one of those things you just have to accept and not get anti-natalist about like a social media addict.

But this one family--and there's always one family like this--cannot stop screaming at each other. I'm just sitting over here worried about their kids' mental health, which is something I don't want to worry about when I'm trying to relax.

That's my main issue with this family, but there's a lot of little things as well. The Dad's voice is so loud, and I haven't heard the Mom at any point when she's not screaming. The kids are screaming. (Poor kids) And they're blasting country music on top of all the other noise. I'm never going to be able to bird watch with all this noise man... much less figure out what the deal is with that squirrel...

The family isn't unsettling but it doesn't help the mood.

I jest though, about all of this. I don't mind a spooky woods. Maybe I'll see bigfoot.

Ah, I also brought the birds. They have a cute little tent of their own. I'll upload pictures at some point.

The nicest thing I've done for myself so far on this trip, (it has only been one day) is refuse to wear a bra anywhere. It's hot, it's muggy. It's not fair that only male tits can blow loose in the wind. My Rivers of Nihil shirt cloaks me so I only look flat chested anyways. My deceitful legerdemain will be known by no man… except the guy reading this.

There's a weird bird again.

Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep, because I'm pretty sure I have a UTI and it's painful. Not the most painful I've ever had, but for this to happen the day before I leave for the trip is terrible timing.

I need to go out to CVS to get a test kit to confirm. If it's positive, then I have to go to an urgent care.

I hope they have the OTC test kits still. They started doing that during covid. Before you had to go to the doctor's and risk paying a lot of money for a negative test.

I'll pick up beach towels while I'm at CVS. (I'm sure they'd have them, right?)

I haven't gone swimming in so many years... I seriously can't remember the last time I went swimming... As soon as I turned 18, there wasn't room in my life to do things like that anymore.

Also my large intestine has been trying to expell a beast all morning. I hope I don't shit myself while I'm out.

What else... I joined a self-declared gamer girl discord server. Hopefully there will be people to play Elden Ring with, but I'll have to wait until I come back from the trip.

Pigeons don't show affection like dogs or cats do. They're very much into parallel play. They enjoy observing you as we each do our own thing.

The weakness of the cranium.

The husk of the man I knew. It moves, but it is filled with something foreign. His appendage slips into me, and I'm filled with this same foreign essence. No longer do I know myself.

I hope the words, "living situation," leave my vocabulary forever.

T,

I think about January and A multiple times a day. I'm not bothered by this. In scientific terms, this is OCD that I have to medicate. But really it's my vice, an unfixable vice, that I have to learn to live with.

I know this is hard for you to understand or accept. Think of it as like your bad knee, because it's the perfect analogy. Except my weakness isn't visible on the outside.

I'm surprised at what I just wrote, actually. I make this illness(es) sound like a disability. Technically, it is. But I never viewed myself as disabled. My brother is disabled; when I hear the word "disability", I think of people like J. I give lower functioning special needs people a lot of patience, emotional patience. Because they have a hard time understanding the world due to their disability, especially the invisible social rules we live by. So the kind thing to do is to express emotionally patience, but I'm realizing I've never been as emotionally patient with myself as I am with them for my disability.

January and A are a lot quieter in my head, but part of me is still turning it over and over subconsiously, trying to figure out why I did that. The reasoning behind what happened is becoming clearer as time passes.

I know now why I did that was to accept how F broke me in an irreparable way. When I was young, even as a teenager despite all the bullying, I was optimistic about people. I thought the bullying I experienced was bad luck. It was easy to tell myself this because they were so horrible from the very start: I couldn't take them seriously enough to change my worldview on people. Also I didn't process how many problems my parents had, nor the depth of them. I knew there was something wrong, but I didn't know how bad it was.

Anyways, about my optimism on people: I thought I would find someone who would completely understand me, that I could put my whole faith into, and not worry about betrayal. I thought F was that person, and because of that I'll never be that naive or hopeful again. I broke.

I didn't want to accept that he changed me, that he scattered a hope I held on to for many years. A hope I used to withstand the tribulations of my childhood.

I guess I was always mad, ever since I let myself show my anger towards him. Uncontrollably mad. But I didn't show myself that I was angry at him. I didn't want to see what I was doing, I felt too much guilt. I was screaming with my ears plugged and my eyes shut. Because I never witnessed my own wrath during those years, I could not begin to process it.

Part of me must've always known that, otherwise F and I would've ended years ago. My brain didn't have the words to describe how I was hiding from myself when I was in the midst of it. Also, it was easy to seperate my awareness from what I was doing.

Everything that happened between F and I, happened through a screen. It's easy to dissociate yourself from what you write on a screen, especially if you've been traumatized by the internet before. (F, you were not the first disappointing internet man I've met.) When you're traumatized by the internet, when you're traumatized in general, one reaction is to build an emotional wall between yourself and reality. And that was the wall I built between the hands on my keyboard when writing to F, and my mind. (Much can be extrapolated from this and applied to how people act on the internet in general...)

I felt the underlying need for years to take my awareness and break through that wall, not so I could finally feel the shame. (I already felt ashamed, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I know what I did will never be right.) I had to break through the wall, so I could realize you can fall into anger and survive. As people fall into depression and nearly die, but don't, you can fall into anger and find a way to survive.

How did I make my anger feel real enough, and experience it so potently, to break down the wall that seperated my awareness from it?

I found a man online that felt a lot like you in spirit, F. Immature and plagued with sexual obsessions, self-centered, an axe to grind against empathy... I knew he would turn on me from the very beginning. (I tried to keep the wall up and lie to myself about this, because of how lonely I am. But A's feebleness was always obvious to me; the lies I told myself were weak.) Yes it was hard to hide from myself the knowledge that he would turn on me. I'm not the same teenager you knew me as, F. That's probably why I kept asking A, "When will you turn on me?"

When he did turn on me, I found his address. I planned for a trip alone in my best attire, expecting anything or nothing.

I broke things off with T. I was angry at T for reasons unrelated to this, mostly having to do with the stress of our living situation. I was also scared of what was happening in me, and I wanted to shield him from the terrible thing I thought I was becoming. And I was also afraid of the future between T and I. I had to know that I could enter marriage without the weight of an unresolved enigma that I would ruminate and obsess over for the rest of my life.

Then, one Friday after work, I drove eight hours to Maryland. I remember the dead leaves on the Massachusetts trees, still there because of our mild winter. I had a surprisingly good burger at a truck stop, ironically better than most food at major chain restaurants. I blasted punk rock and rap as I crossed state lines, to keep myself awake. When I got there, I remember the thick fog from the Delaware river, and how hot it was. (It was fucking 68 degrees in the middle of winter, in New Hampshire it was in the thirties.)

I actually had no idea if I really found A's home. They always say not to believe what you read online. But I figured if I was wrong and questioned by whoever lived in the condo, I could pretend I was lost and apologize for the confusion. I was actually more worried about this than meeting A himself.

I did not meet A though. When I found his condo and knocked, there was no response. I thought I heard footsteps behind the door, but I decided not to press my luck any further. There was so much anxiety in me as I stood and waited by his door. I didn't know what to do with it, so I started counting the seconds that passed. I left after 2 minutes.

That was basically what happened. I found a hotel for the night. The next morning, I decided to return to the scene of the crime and leave him the 20-something woman's equivalent of a crop circle by his door. Heiniously formed from the contents of my purse, so he knew I was once right there.

Then I returned home. That's how I almost lost the love of my life while getting threatened with a restraining order.

But I don't think any of this could've happened any other way. And if I had tried to stop this from happening, I'd be delaying the inevitable.

I must tell you, despite the terrible things I've done, I feel like I'm finally free of a deeply-entrenched and ancient misery.

We're preparing for a camping trip soon, and we'll be gone from the 18th to the 24th. There might be a way for me to continue updating this log, because the campground is very modern and decked out, and not too far away from a town. But I won't be going out of my way to upload to here. Expect a bunch of entries over the course of the trip when I get back though.

I woke up to my body feeling like absolute shit. I'm not sure what the hell I did last night in my sleep, but my left knee aches as well as my back. Odd...

I'm going to leave later today to get some breathable clothes for T and I, which is going to cost money fml. But it looks like we scheduled our trip at an unfortunate time with near 100 F temperatures, which is unusual for NH. And I have a bad feeling it's going to be humid.

I'm not ready to re-emerge into the world. My brain has slowed down into a relaxed pace during these two months off from work, and I've started to become reluctant to leave the apartment. I wish I could be a recluse for longer, but life does not let me do that unfortunately.

I pushed myself too hard exercising today. I feel very nauseous, and oddly cold.

I did a hundred leg curls, and I walked on the treadmill at a steep incline for 30 min. I guess that was too much

I want to shower but I'm afraid this is caused by overheating, possibly. It sucks but I have to wait.

The memes on reddit leave me empty. I miss tumblr.

...

I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow

Maybe I should make a list so I down't wander around in circles tomorrow:

• Do laundry
• Gather items for the trip
• Do the dishes

Items for the trip:

• beach towels
• dry shampoo
• all athletic wear
• swimsuit
• one nice outfit for a restaurant

Too sleepy for this...

I have a secret guilty pleasure I wish I could act on involving sculptures, but I'm too exhausted to write about it now.

Bazinga

I keep procrastinating on my song because I'm scared of singing. I know my voice is shit. The best I can do is sing in time.

Last time I sang I was 10 in a church choir. I remember the teacher always put me in the back lmao.

I hope you like the background update. I'm not sure if I do. I'm still working on getting the size of the picture correct.

My penis music is really penising

It actually sounds so bad DDDDDDDDx

But I have no choice but to finish it. I have to finish this no matter how shit it sounds. I must accept my humble beginnings as a musician.

My vocals are really bad. I made the mistake of choosing a melody that's too fast and complex for my mouth. If I were on flute I could probably play it, but everything about my mouth is sluggish.

It is what it is.

I have to add warp markers to the beginning of each word, and maybe even the end of each word, to fix the rhythm. It's going to be such a process.

already thinking of redoing the background as something else. Oh well man.

"Is he sending you secret messages or are you projecting feelings onto external phenomenon" the game.

N messaged me back. I was too pessimistic before. I hope I can carry a conversation with her. I should've thought about getting a job first before getting too friendly with her, since she's one of my job references. Fuck.

Oh well. Idk maybe she and I will just play phone tag until I get a job.

I'm reminded of the time I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. This article is talking about women who form eating disorders in their middle age. This person says she doesn't have concerns with body shape or thinness, but she's depressed.

I was diagnosed with AFRID because I was too anxious to eat. Just the amount of anxiety going on in my head made me forget to eat. my appetite was very small as well. I didn't really register it as a problem, because I'm not very aware of my anxiety. I shield my awareness from my anxiety as a way to cope with it. That's worked wonders in my life, for better or worse. But it usually finds another way to express itself, like through my eating habits. I only realized I had a problem with food when I went back on psychiatric medicine, and my appetite jumped, and I felt an emotional weight leave me. (My anxiety.)

I thought my psychiatrist was being stupid because I never heard of eating disorders being caused by anything other tham body image concerns. But this article proved that psychiatrist's point.

I don't know much about eating disorders. I haven't known anyone close to me with one, and while I did have one, it was very mild. I don't think my physical body changed because of it... I think... been a few years.

Exercising is such bullshit. Like I have to take time out of my day to move limbs in the same repeated motions, or my risk of critical illness drastically increases? What the fuck man...

New site background coming soon. Maybe even today.

It finally happened. I found an idiot in the Reddit study. I'm arguing with him about why we shouldn't bring back public executions.

I cite a human rights organization, he cites himself. The end.

I win in my heart if anything else.

This is why I stopped arguing politics online isjfiselfse.

my gender is kim wexler frfr........

If everyone around you in the world was replaced with a a clone of yourself what would happen

cheese_soup is a damn good username. damn.

if there were an infinite amout of stepmoms there'd be an infinite amount of stepsons and only 1 dad.

Why would anyone put sea salt in caramel

GET FUCKED IN THE ASS AND SIDE

hey can you turn down the announcer volume a bit

getting lonely

"daytime gamer"? god, i wish...

bweh...

T fell asleep a while back.

I wrote to my therapist this morning:

I've been trying to get my Dad to open up more, and establish an actual familial relationship between us. He was emotionally absent for most of my childhood, and left most of my care to my Mom.

It doesn't really seem to be working though.

I call my parents about once a week, or I try to. Sometimes I don't remember. I alternate between my Dad and my Mom.

The conversations with my Dad are really short, and usually not about anything too deep. I've told him before that my Mom scares me, but he seems conflicted between supporting me and pretending the family dynamic is fine. He did say to me once that he wonders if his wife loves him. (She doesn't. Every time I talk to my Mom she says something terrible about my Dad. I don't know how many times she's threatened divorce.)

Something happened the last time I called my Dad. I forget if I already told you, but I'm changing my middle name when I marry, and my Mom doesn't like that at all. When I was talking to him, it sounded like he was beginning to say that he supports whatever name I choose for myself. But my Mom interrupted him with a sharp "No"--she was eavesdropping on our phone call. He then changed the subject, even when I asked him to elaborate further. I told him he could text me what he was saying later, but he never did.

T lived with my family for about 3 months, when he and I were trying to find an apartment for ourselves in Texas. (Because I was still going to a college down there.) T told me one time he was talking to my Dad, and they were talking about these towels they had that were falling apart. My Dad was saying he didn't know why they were kept over the years, and was about to throw them away, when my Mom entered the room and said we had to keep them. T said he 180'd immediately and didn't try arguing with her at all.

It's hard for me to pretend that my Mom isn't abusing me for my Dad's sake. It's even harder for me to pretend she isn't abusing my Dad, because of how fresh that realization is. I've known throughout my childhood that she's treated me like shit. But I was ignorant of how she treated my Dad, because I was a kid. I always thought my Dad was stronger than he is, especially with how much my Mom acts like he's an authoritarian.

It's fucked up how she treats him, but I'm conflicted on how to feel about it. I put in effort to get my Dad to open up, but he doesn't seem to be responding to it. I tell him about my hobbies, and I've even invited him to play a few video games with me. He seemed interested a couple of times when I brought that up with him. But the last time I talked to him he said he's too tired after work to do any of that with me. Not until he retires, and my Mom says he's not going to for a long while.

I feel like giving up on trying to form a familial bond with my parents.

I've apologized to my Mom numerous times for how much I yelled at her as a teenager. But I think she only pretends to be nice to me now, because she knows if she doesn't I'll cut her off. I thought her nice attitude was genuine for a while, but as soon as I mentioned the marriage all of her hate and controlling attitude came out. She was threatening me immediately with things like, "You're not getting out of a wedding ceremony," etc. unprompted. As well as her anger towards the middle name change. I think she hates me for not being the daughter she wanted.

My Dad I think is too depressed to really do anything with me. I remember one time he alluded to being suicidal a couple of years ago. I wish I could tell him that if he wanted to divorce her, that I wouldn't hold it against him. I'd just be worried about my special needs brother. But I don't know if I should, because he pretends things are okay. Sometimes. I'm afraid he'll not listen to me, or get mad at me for not pretending things are okay along with him.

I wish I understood why my parents are like this, but nobody talks about what's really going on in their heads. Or even their past growing up. I don't know anything about my Dad's childhood. My Mom is just so insane that I don't trust what she says. Also despite her complaining about other people, she never wants to talk about anything more meaningful than the weather. She even gets mad at people if a conversation turns too morbid. I don't think I'll ever know why my parents are the way they are.

It feels like my only family is my brother. I regret inviting them to move up closer to where I live. (Fortunately the housing market is so bad that they can't sell their house.)

I am God's bravest unpaid intern.

I think if you were once an unpaid intern you are always an unpaid intern.

DARK EMPATHIZER

water doesn't hydrate me but tea does, why is that

what if the secret to drinking water is i heat it up. like how tommy wisseau takes it

There's a mouse in the apartment. I'm not sure if it's the same one or if different ones keep showing up each time. Today's the first time I saw it in the bedroom.

I really wouldn't care about it, but if it gets bad the landlords will strangle us.

It's pretty obvious that they're attracted to all the bird seed the pigeons like to throw everywhere. I have to vaccuum it up every week. Might turn into a fucking daily thing at this point. I don't want to be the cause of a mouse infestation.

T said they can't climb, so I shouldn't be worried about sleeping in the same room as one. They're scared of people anyways. But it's still a bit unnerving.

I think I was definitely more scared when I had to live in the apartment with the cockroach infestation.

I think I forgot to take my meds today, so I'm feeling shit. That's probably why I spent $20 on pizza just now. X-X Also the A/C is making a weird noise, so there's no cold air in the apartment right now. I'll have to ask T if it's alright later.

Too much Reddit lately. Got derailed this morning by getting suggested a thread that was... *sigh* triggering. It's hard to quit social media completely. Especially Reddit, since sometimes there's answers to questions you can only find on Reddit. I kind of hope someday Reddit starts acting shit in this regard, so I have an easier time quitting it. Lol.

To be fair, I'm also in a weird scientific study taking place on Reddit. I completed a survey a month ago to join it out of curiousity, and I guess I was cool enough to participate in it.

The study posts a new thread every day making a politically charged statement, and you're supposed to discuss the statement with other users. Or don't. You're just shown this statement, and you can choose whether to participate in discussion or not.

I've been posting replies to every one of these threads so far, but I'm trying not to use up too much of my time in doing so. It's kind of nice, so far? I've given up talking about politics with other people online because of how inflamed everything is. At least here, my political jibber jabber will benefit science in some way. (Hopefully not the science on how to make the internet more addictive, uh... *cough*)

The purpose of the study? What are they trying to measure? I have no idea.

I've been up for less than 12 hours, and I took a nap during my time awake as well. I might be coming down with something.

I enjoy feeling mentally sharp, and aging worries me. Not because I'll look older or even the health problems as much as losing my mental sharpness.

I don't really know where I'm going with this train of thought.

I kinda don't feel like doing anything today, but today should be an easy day at the gym. So I might as well go do that.

I still have yet to find a good video game to get into. I'm waiting for PoE2 to get released. I really like games that let you tinker with your build a lot. Games that are more about reflexes are hard for me, because there's so many other people who've been playing for years developing their reflexes. I just don't have the time to develop that.

I guess I feel okay today.

I read something yesterday that lamotrigene can cause permanent psychological change for the better. It's not something that just wears off completely, if you drop it. I hope this is true.

I'm trying to figure out the colorize mask tool in Krita, which is a digital art program. (Open sourced and free!) And fuck man, I'm really struggling. I'm used to things just working out if I play around with it, and so far digital art programs have been mostly intuitive. Sucks ass that I have to watch a 20 min youtube video on it. I'm impatient. I don't like watching videos if I can just read instructions instead. (But Krita's instructions on their website don't make sense to me.)

Feeling pretty good. Already went to the gym today.

I feel a sense of dread starting to grow, because I know I have to start looking for a job in less than 2 weeks. I'm starting to like not working, because I finally figured out how to relax.

All good things have to come to an end. I just hope my mental health holds up.

I'm already feeling it from the gym. Usually I feel it the next day, but I pushed myself hard today. I've decided to start weight lifting with my arms as well, so that's going to be sore. Feeling strong is pretty awesome though. Feels like there's more energy in my limbs.

Studying the Ableton course right now, but it's really boring. x-x I know I've complained about it before, but the guy puts me to sleep. He'll explain the windows control panel for 5 minutes. This course is basically made for someone who has never used a computer before, but I am learning from it, and this is the best introductory material on Ableton that I can find.

I probably repeat myself a lot in this journal, sorry if that's annoying. I don't think most people are doing a thrilling new thing every day though, especially since most people have little leisure time. That's why people repeat stories a lot.

Something I've learned is it's easier to make friends if you tolerate repetitive story telling. It used to bother me a lot when I was a teenager, but everyone does this to some extent, and I do it as well, so it would be wrong to get angry at people over this.

I think I've been spending too much money lately--the museum was expensive yesterday, mostly because we ate at a restaurant afterwards--but it's almost time for me to start finding a job anyways.

The museum was refreshing. We see so much of the same shit over and over again online. Streaming services like Netflix follow a formula. I think there is something more personal viewing art outside of a screen.

I've never been much for visual art, like drawings, paintings, sculptures... I developed a bond with music as a kid. Maybe because I'm older now, I can appreciate art and feel a connection to it. Maybe something has opened up in me over the years so I can latch on to it.

Thinking about it now, the museum was one of the few places I felt I was connected to my surroundings. Half of me is usually living in my head, but there I didn't feel dissociated.

I spent a long time moving slowly and giving every piece a good look, so I didn't see the whole museum. It's nice that I have new stuff to look forward to when I go back there.

I'm going to show you some of the pictures I got of the art here:

Sorry the photos are blurry. My phone camera isn't very good.

Very quiet day today. I'm spending it all in my room. I took stuff in hopes that I can come up with something good art-wise.

Peeko called me over to play with her today. She's getting less scared of me over time. Birds take a lot of patience, and they're not the friendliest. Neither of them cuddle with me yet like you see sometimes online. The birds however have been taking small steps forward with me, and my patience and persistence has to far been rewarded. I wish people were as easy.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just keep thinking about how I've been trying to figure out my Dad for years, but he doesn't want anything to do with me. And it's why I put up with F's shit for years. Hoping one day to find answers and never doing so.

We're always going to be wondering about our parents.

Everything I've learned about my family comes from my Mom, and she's a liar.

Too much attachment to friends because my family failed me so hard.

It's just building on itself

The time my Dad said he forgot I existed (felt like a half joke)

The time my parents forgot to send me money for food

My Mom screaming at me why I don't know how to work a copying machine innately.

How I reach out to my Dad, and he prefers to sleep than talk to me

The fact that my middle name has been legally spelled wrong since I was born and they never caught it

How neglected was I, really? I always knew my brother got more attention than me because he's special needs. But is this actually worse than I think?

T said, "your parents only check in for the milestones", and he's right.

I let my Dad get away with his shitty behavior for years because of J (my brother) existing and because my Mom's bullshit always commanded my attention as a kid.

My father left me to the wind, and my mother chased me out with a stick.

I made a new page for my works in progress. You can check it out here.

I went to the art museum today. I'm dead tired. I got angry at T today, but I don't think he noticed. Which is good, because my anger was misplaced. I got nervous that he wasn't enjoying the museum, but he was in his own way. He told me he enjoyed it. For some reason I think he's lying, that he's just being polite, and he was bored the entire time he was there. But I think that's just my mental bullshit second-guessing him. I felt angry because I felt like I had to entertain him, to compensate for my idea of going to a boring place. But I didn't have to do that at all. I guess I just never feel like I'm enough for people, and I don't think people would actually be interested in what I'm interested in. Even T.

That probably sounds like word salad, and I'm sorry. I just had to put that out there before passing out.

I had a good day today though. I really enjoyed the museum. I'll talk about it later.

I stayed up until 2 last night, missing F. Poking around his stuff. Though I've begun to think of him less and less, finally. I might not even be angry at him anymore; there's just a dull sadness emitting from his memory.

I'll feel intensely curious about how his life will pan out for a long time, but I doubt I'll ever get answers.

I'm glad T will be with me at least, as we age together.

My head is out of it today. Staying up late and getting wasted will do that. I hope you enjoyed my notes on beavers.

Still trying to wake up. I don't feel like cleaning or doing errands today, so, I guess I'll be mostly working on art and stuff like that.

A couple of years, and I could become part of the IRS or FBI special ops. T doesn't want me to do it yet because of his past trauma with his Dad, and also my mental health bullshit.

There's probably people who geared up for those jobs all their lives and have a spotless record, especially with the FBI jobs, and it would be hard for me to compete with them. I don't have a criminal record, but A was a close call, and F could've charged me with something. The both could have, but didn't. If I actually got into the FBI a couple of years from now, I'd probably feel a lot like Tom Paris.

Not sure how T and I got on this subject today.

Well, I have to find a job soon, that's probably what got us thinking about it. I hate that I'm limited by my own brain. I worked so hard at school and work, only to get mentally shot. Or maybe that was unavoidable. There's probably something genetic going on in my family.

I always hate feeling limited.

It's not going to kill me if I never get a job like that though. It would kill me if I never try to apply at all. But I have to wait a few years anyways, because I'd have to stop using weed a year before my application. I can give it up.

Besides, it's been getting me real shitfaced lately. I wouldn't be surprised if it's interacting with my lamotrigene in a certain way.

So I was at the store yesterday, (T reminded me of this when he made himself queso just now) and the party size bag of tortilla chips is $6.00. Which is a fucking crime. It lights ineffable anger in my heart. So I thought to myself, "There has to be a better way," so I spent a solid 15 minutes in the aisle comparing prices and the size of tortilla chip bags. I eventually settled on this $5.00 bag of blue torilla chips, which were slightly smaller than the original party size bag, but they were organic. Which I think makes up for it, in my head anyways. According to my calculations.

can't sleep

can't seem to think straight today either

nothing much more to say. my mind is an empty void. i guess im kind of lonely as always, but nothing more.

i probably wasted too much time worrying about the presidential election today. there's really no good option concerning that. better to focus on the problems you have control over.

damn what did i do in the past hour

So I don't want to sleep. I don't want to look at anything either. I don't want to consume. I don't want to think. I am inconsolable. I feel like there's nothing to me. That' I'm not really in the world that I live in. My body feels more like a residence, not who I am. I stay in it like one stays at a hotel.

I don't think I can describe how I feel, but I don't like it.

I'm not sure if disassociation is supposed to feel like this but it's how I feel.

Everything feels like too much of a bother to do. Even the simplest thing, like sleeping. Sleeping is a chore because it fast forwards you to the next day, where you have to start down the list of bullshit things to do you created for yourself. I think I stay up late at night, and get depressed and lonely before bed, because I am hoping that I will find some way to escape the list of bullshit. Doesn't work out.

Knowing you have to get up the next day ruins any peace sleep can bring.

"Kill yourself." Can't. Not even an option on the table.

I'm starting to feel sleepy, but for some reason I feel like on many nights such as this one, that if I stay up a bit longer I'll figure everything out. And I can get out of living tomorrow. But all this does is make me more tired and miserable the next day.

That's why I go down a list of goals and events all the damn time in this journal. Bitching about shit doesn't help anything. Or at least it doesn't help with staying alive, and I want to stay alive. If I didn't care about living I'd be a lot different.

I secretly wish to die more than anything though. To feel the weight of living tumble off my back. The weight of having the brain I have. Constantly needing something to work for enjoyment? Distraction? Escapism? ... yet simultaneously tired of taking on more responsibility. I don't want to be responsible. I want to be absolutely nothing, blitz'd out of my mind with no hope of return.

Shotgun is the most effective form of suicide, but now that I think of it, I believe we should consider the "fun" factor in suicide attempts. You see, a shotgun will hastily deliver you to the jaws of death, but overdosing on something like heroin or fent... you'll have the time of your life before you die. Which is important, because we don't know what happens after death. Those few minutes or seconds before death might be the last time you feel something enjoyable ever. Could be hell from the point of your death onward. So you might as well make it good.

... Well. Anyways. Eh... sleep... yay....

Brewster woke me up at the crack of dawn again. I gotta keep covering the cage at night.

I just had the idea of how I could fly my birds in an open field. I haven't done it yet because I'm paranoid of a hawk suddenly attacking them, which may sound silly, but there's a lot of hawks in the area and I've seen videos of it happening. I could take them out at night to a brightly lit place, like a stadium or an empty parking lot. The bright lights will deter owls. I'm probably going to opt for the empty parking lot, because the urban area will deter wildlife in general.

I hope that'll work. I'm quite attached to the birds, as anyone reading this will know. I'd be devastated if something happened to them.

T and I are having stupid night tonight, which involves getting crossfaded. So I'm picking goodies up from the store today. Maybe I'll do that first to get it over with. Exercise today, but I don't really want to tbh. Probably because I'm groggy from waking up so early. I should work on the Ableton course today, and some of my song. And after all of that, T will probably be home and we can start fun night.

I think I talked about it, but I'm going to a museum this weekend. I decided to bring T because of how my mood has been the past few weeks. I could use the company.

N never texted me back, so I'm trying my old coworker B next week. C'est la vie. You just have to laugh at how Ischyromysoften people turn you down for hanging out. It's abyssmal, but the fact that it happens so excessively is just funny to me at this point, in a dark way. Considering what I've read online, I don't think it's me who's the problem, because everyone seems to be struggling with this. Though I don't think I'm the most interesting person to talk to, and that's probably a part of it. But yeah, anyways, it's just hilariously sad to me at this point.

Dn keeps texting me which I guess is good. Guy has a history with sexual harrassment accusations though, he's been fired twice from jobs because of this. I mean with my stalking, I'm not a saint in this regard either, but I should be careful around him. I also wish he wasn't as altright as he is. Guy's kinda nutty about conspiracies and thinks people with multicolored hair and pronouns are the worst thing to happen in the world. Despite, yanno, poverty, world hunger, disease, the housing crisis, the genocide in Palestine happening, etc.

God, if only there was someone normal and available to talk to.

Ah shit, I forgot I have meds to pick up too. Again.

I owe P a message too. Maybe I'll do that while having another coffee.

I;ve been staring at the wikipedia pages for beaver and groundhog for the past half hour... ok moer than an hour. I'm trying to figure out the common ancestor between the two of them. I'm surprised because they split kinda a ways back. Like at the beginning of the rodent family. So...

Lmao I'm still reading about this. I forget where that last sentene was going to. I'm still looking for the common ancestor. It took me a while tabbing between goundhog and beaver to figure...

God, angry beavers is about two beavers, not one. For some reason I thought the yellow one would was a groundhog for a split second there.

so it took me a while again, but i figured out that the beginning point of the split doesn't have an animal attached to it. you know, by common ancestor i mean a furry thing i can touch. not a mental box to categorize things.

so i kept going, to look for the actual animal/fossil. singular species. and i learrrrrrrrrrrrrrned along the way that the biggest way to tell rodents apart from each other is by their front teeth and heel shape.

i think that's interesting. like how finches have different types of beaks dependent on the seed they're eating, rodents have different heel shapes depending on what they mainly use their legs for. digging, sprinting, swimming, etc.

aw damn these cookies are stale

I can't believe they're are early Gilres experts. like you can get a job speccing soley in early rodent fossils. like i don't buy it

are they real people or just someone's trust fund kid with a hyperfixation?

mew is like... the common ancestor of all pokemon...

wait

first mew first mammal...

gilres

yeh

so anyways I kept looking for this common ancestor and i found it: Ischyromys

important images

that second one is a rat npc

hmmm

there's a lot i wish i could say to people sometimes but no one to tell it to.

i think i fear my own silence. it's like suffocating. drowning under water. i want to scream but i'll only sink faster. the only way for this to end is to watch myself drown. and i just have to accept drowning. i feel so helpless. i always fight, but now, i sink.

i like other people's journals, reading them. i'd like to create a collection of quotes from them, but i suppose id have to ask for permission to use them, right?

i was thinking of leaving people as anonymous when i quote them, but i think that still might upset people.

i wouldn't mind quoting things from other sources as well. i don't see why not.

Another day.

I didn't sleep well last night; I kept having bad dreams. I've been having the reoccurring dream of losing my clothes, and being back in high school as a 28 year old. The high school ones are weird. I'm almost done my college degree, but due to bullshit, I have to retake classes from my high school.

In this instance of the dream, an old friend was trying to ditch me repeatedly without explaining why. I'd be walking with her, and we'd take an elevator but she'd sneak off of it, so I ride it alone. It took me a while in the dream to realize she was trying to get rid of me, because my sleeping brain views the dreams like a movie, and I'm emotionally detached.

And once again, I'm not wearing clothes for half the dream, but suddenly they'd reappear.

Also my friend and I were waiting in the lunch line, but everyone started simultaneously puking. I slipped and fell in the vomit, and ran around the school trying to find a bathroom. Almost always in these dreams, the layout of the school is very confusing and I get lost. (My high school didn't have elevators except for people who were disabled, for example.)

I woke up when I realized my clothes disappearing and reappearing meant I was in a dream.

It's not a frightening dream, but I still hate these dreams. I think, despite my emotional detachment, I do feel a bit of anxiety while I'm having them. And it does wake me up in the middle of the night.

Wtf, I up my dosage and now I'm not groggy in the morning. Despite the bad dreams too. Was that seriously because of depression/bipolar/OCD/whatever the fuck? I hate this. I hate my dependency on medication. Fuck.

Anyways, it looks to be a big cleaning day. I finally got the mat to replace the one in the bird cage. The apartment is starting to get gross again.

The worst part of my depression, when it rears its head, is how dissociated I become. I start losing things, I have trouble focusing on what's in front of me because I can't stop myself from retreating into my head. I am going to try practicing living in the present today as much as I can. Observing the details around me, and clearing out my head. Hopefully, I can become better at this so when I'm depressed again, I'm able to retain my focus. I guess I'll update Leaves On a Stream with this practice, because I believe it's a form a meditation, albeit not a traditional one.

It's closer to the walking meditations I've read about. I think I remember this is practiced by some Buddhists, but my mind is fuzzy on this.

I was once a lot better at traditional meditation, but now I'm not. I'm not sure what changed, but it changed around the time I got extremely angry at F. I don't think I've ever been the same since that time. My composure isn't what it used to be.

Well, I don't want to dwell on that. It's time for the rest of the day.

I've been listening to bandcamp all day but I haven't found anything good all day. Just a lot of meh stuff.

I have to take Peeko to the vet soon, she has diarrhea that's getting worse. :( I was hoping the problem would go away on its own. She's otherwise fine, and acting like her usual self. She been through worse; she was real sick when we first got her. She was very lethargic and puffed up. We had to syringe feed her medication for pneumonia for a month.

Brewster has been shedding feathers everywhere because he's molting. I should think of something to do with them.

I think T is playing the same youtube video he already watched again. @_@ It's an annoying one too. I don't even want to explain why it's annoying because it's that stupid.

Debating going for the weed, there's not much else to do tonight.

I'm not sure when weed and drinking becomes a problem. I don't do it all the time. Life's pretty boring without it though.

Looking to just be you and me tonight though. T's zonked out on the couch.

Maybe I can finish off the beer I started yesterday... nah.

Well if anyone's curious, you can assess yourself with the DAST-20 for substance abuse. And I'm fine, so I'm getting that beer.

I've been drawing for hours with youtube on in the background. T and I watched a nuzlocke. I have the ability to doodle and hear conversation at the same time, so I'm able to split my attention like that. I'm pretty thankful for it.

The woods is coming along. I hope it'll look good at the end.

I have this little throw rug by the front door that's always shifting around everywhere. I want to get something so it sticks to the carpet, but the best stuff for that is $30. Which is way too much money just for something that'll hold a throw carpet down. Dx

I messaged Dn back, and I owe P a message but it's 10pm right now. I still have some energy, but I can feel myself starting to get sleepy.

bruh it's so fucked up that a single cup of coffee can't wake me up anymore. this is devastating

i keep forgetting to take my meds today. if i focus hard enough i can take the meds........ >>>>>>>>>>O_O<<<<<<<<<

I took the meds

I had my psychiatry appointment today, and she bumped me up to a higher dose. I feel like a weak bitch for having to rely so much on medication. And am I a weak bitch? Yeah...

Things will get easier now surely, right? For a bit, as it always does...

I don't try to argue with her about whether I need it to go up or down. I don't think I'm a very good judge on that. I try to push off adjusting it as long as possible, until I break in a catastrophic way.

The mood tracker app I've been using does a very good job at helping me know whether I'm getting depressed or not. It came in handy this time.

Maybe at least this will help me return to my music.

Speaking of which, I showed the song to T's friend Dn. I didn't know he was that good at the guitar, he already started coming up with a part over what I've got.

I have reservations about the guy, but he's the only person around me to write music with. I just hope he can be as serious with it as I can, meaning, I hope our work ethics align.

Why does my head have to swim with grogginess? @_@

I guess I'm feeling a lot better, well, maybe it's too early to be certain. But I exercised and worked on my song more today. I made + sang the first verse. I still have to throw it in the software and see how it sounds. I'm probably going to hate my voice and feel real insecure about it, but I'll not let that deter me. I just want to finally have something down on paper.

The song is going to feel as weird as fuck, not a lot of it makes sense... but it'll sounds like a song. I hope.

I'm probably looking into it too much, but this guy at the gym kept using the same equipment I was using, right after I was done using it. I'm thinking of keeping mace on me next time. This isn't a gym like the YMCA or planet fitness, it's a small room at the apartment lobby. We were the only 2 people in the building at that time, and I don't think there's any cameras.

I'm probably just looking too deep into it though.

I wish I could stay up later, but I feel ready to sleep, and being the insomniac I am, I should capitalize on my sleepiness.

I can't seem to wake up today. I feel like the coffee is, and has been for the past week now, doing nothing.

I've just been sitting in bed.

I think I've been staring at my computer for 15 minutes doing nothing.

I had a nightmare last night about my Mom. I forget the details of it, but my family and I were doing all this shit throughout the day that makes my Mom micromanage everybody. Everything got increasingly more tense. At the end of the day I said I didn't want to go to anymore places, and she flipped out on me. Then she tried to save face by pretending to be nice to me, as my brother and Dad headed out to the car. I forget what she was saying, but she was smiling, but also blocking my path to my bedroom. Like she still wanted to force me to go.

When I talked to my Mom the other day, all of her old behaviors showed themselves so fucking fast. I thought she had changed, but it was all bubbling beneath the surface. Barely restrained. She started attacking me for the ways I used to act when I was 15. She never let that go, even though she said she did. She accused me of getting pregnant because I wanted to do the legal side of marrying different than the way she wanted it. She said she thought I was going to tell her that I'm returning home. It's almost like she wants me to fail. I think she hates me.

She insulted my fucking pets too. Like I'm sorry I don't have a sprawling yard or massive house for a cat or a dog yet. God damn, what did my birds do to you.

She's a fucking monster.

I'm starting to feel anxious just from writing about this.

I also feel like I'm becoming her. With the way I trash A and F, and act like trash myself.

I often feel powerless, like nothing I do matters, and that's why I rage at people sometimes. I don't have much self-respect, to compose myself, to hold myself to a higher standard. There's the belief in me that no matter what I do, my actions will go unrewarded. So what's the point living life honorably?

If I don't watch it, I'll end up uncontrollably angry like my Mom.

...

I really don't have to worry about the wedding for a while. My Dad was right that I should focus on getting a job first. I need to go through the name change procedure first anyways. There's also the camping trip coming up.

I feel like shit.

Still managed to do my laundry, managed to exercise, and I meditated for a bit. Watched more Voyager with T, and now my mind is off my Mom. Best to keep it that way.

I do it all again tomorrow.

The loneliness and everything.

What past life condemned me to this?

I don't have anything planned to say to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I guess I could think of things now:

• I was feeling really well until mid May. Then my head started to have a hard time concentrating on things. I began to feel less energized. I have a harder time doing the bigger tasks I want to accomplish.
• Last week I had waves of panic for three days straight. It was because I wanted to talk to A but I knew I couldn't.
• I've been crying a lot more. I feel completely alone even though I'm not. I think this has to do with trauma from getting bullied growing up.
• I'm not sure if I want to go up in meds or change them yet.

I wonder if A saw me that night.

I seriouisly need a knife collection.

I know I should work on my song more but... eh. I feel like chilling on the couch drawing. Or reading. Besides, T is home today, and I can sit in the room with him.

As long as I'm working on something it doesn't matter to me. I grinded hard my whole life so I could have the option to pick up and put down what I want to do now.

Oh fuck, I should try out the CD player I picked up at the thrift store.

At least I would, but the couch is so comfy...

Next time I get up, for sure.

I wrote to my therapist about the wedding and family drama over my name. I'd post what I wrote here, but it reveals too much personal information.

Pretty bored and horny but that requires... moving. I guess.. I've barely said a word to anyone all day.

wish i could just instantly orgasm on demand. im impatient. sometimes i just want to get it over with

i think ive been doing the weed thing more often because I get bored.

hey, but next week is beautiful, right? i should plan on going somewhere.

well, an amusement park would be nice but it's the summer, and a bunch of screaming children would be everywhere.

alright well there's museums i think.

ahh shit, there's a massive art museum in Boston. Guess I'll go there this week. Big K-pop exhibit... which isn't my thing, but it will be interesting to see.

Maybe it can become my thing and I can finally relate to other people in some way.

FUCK

A could've gave me lessons in forcing myself to like something for friends, damn it.

Guy has charisma for days. He's a walking database on how to get people to like you.

Too bad we brain fucked each other.

I just don't feel enthusiastic about anything. I'm fucked up. Instead of hyperfixating on fictional characters I do it with people. My life would be a lot easier if I could just find a way to get obsessed with an inanimate object.

Anyways, I invited T for the art museum Saturday but I might just go alone. I'll have to think about it.

It's supposed to rAiN later in the week so there will be less people at the museum. That's kinda nice.

You know I did have the idea at one point to create some sort of sexual demon spirit. For a thing to do sexual demon things with that T doesn't understand.

I could restart that idea. Hm. If only I could build the enthusiasm for it.

Maybe I'm lacking enthusiasm now because--nah. Seriously, I'm tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me all the time.

Ah the depression is hitting. You know the depression is hitting when you're irritated by your own internal dialogue.

I just need to get outside my head.

...

Shit, I just impulse bought a video game. Why did I choose Detroit: Become Human when the Elden Ring DLC is right there? dskjfldskjfl

Ok I will beat A Game and then I will get the Elden Ring DLC for sure. And replay Elden Ring while I'm at it.

Maybe by then I'd actually know someone I could play Elden Ring with. :(

Ok the game is downloading it's gonna take an hour.

I should probably eat but I don't think I deserve food today. You know, maybe if I don't eat food tonight, I can just stop existing. My brain already feels like it wants to get absorbed by the couch. I feel like I'm becoming a couch. Full of fuzz.

Or maybe eating food will make me feel better because hunger is making me feel bad. Maybe.

I'm tired of always trying to get better. I want to give up so bad. I'm tired of maintaining my existence. I wish the rope of obligation that ties me to this world would just snap, so I can let myself go.

Well. It's time for a bagel.

The idea hit me today that there's a chance no one shows up to my wedding, other than my immediate family. I send out all the invites to friends and no one shows up. I feel like there's a good chance that'll happen to me. I can't remember the last time I've had a best friend.

N never contacted me back, btw.

I don't understand why I choose to keep going when no one wants anything to do with me.

Yeah I have T but I've talked to him so much, there's nothing new to say to each other. And he doesn't ever try to do anything new either.

If no one shows up to my wedding, at least I'll only have to suffer that embarrassment once.

I've had it happen before, me inviting my friend group to something and no one wanting to go. I remember one time someone said they'd hang out with me in a water park but I was stood up.

no one likes me

no one likes me

people don't want anything to do with me

no matter how hard i try

or improve

no one likes me

i can't feel connected to anyone at all

all the work i do. i pretend it's going to make my life better. writing music, drawing, maintaining this thing, reading, fitness, staying away from social media... i tell myself it'll make my life better. it feels like im tricking myself into hope. i shovel antidepressants and other drugs to trick myself easier. deep down ive always wanted to die.

ok maybe i will go back to drawing the trees i had been drawing now. it's ok.

The "Should I get a new middle name?" question is going to be on my mind a lot today.

Man I don't even know what I was saying at the end of yesterday.

Here's why I'm considering changing my middle name: Right now, we'll say my parents wanted my middle name to be Hester. But they filled out the paper work wrong, so my middle name is just H. I'm already going through the name change procedure anyways, because T and I want a last name that we can't get without going through the name change procedure. So I have the opportunity to change my name back to "Hester", or choose something completely different.

Considering my parents couldn't be arsed enough to get it right the first time, and they went 18 years without realizing their mistake, I feel like I should get to decide a new middle name for myself. But it will piss off my Mom a great deal.

I also have zero attachment to the name "Hester". Hester was my great-aunt who was also a nun, and Hester is her Christian name. (I guess that's how it works I've never been Catholic.) I've never met her before, so I have no attachment to her. I'm trying to find anything about her online but I can't.

Yeah, I can't find anything about her because I only know her religious name.

I have no memory of most of my relatives, it seems.

I feel like I have a lot I want to say, but the words aren't forming.

damn, i sure wish my sexual fantasies were real sometimes. alas...

im not doing a good job staying away from his page...

getting turned on by this acupuncture mat:

bed of nails bed of nails ned of nails

it's $40 dollars, that's 4 albums I could buy instead. and i think im done buying disappointing sex toys for a while

sigh...

"here's our used options" yes i want the used bed of nails. i want the residue of a middle aged man with lower back pain on my bed of nails.

how am i supposed to kill time for the next 50 years? because the next 50 years is just going to be this sort of writing, i know it

you know, the nice thing is at some point i'll be too feeble to have a choice in how i spend my time, so i won't have to think about this question anymore.

actually the answer is obvious

you will find me upon the bed of nails

gooning

Feels like May shouldn't have a 31st.

I've been experiencing a lot of indecision on what to do with my day, which is why I think I'm retreating to the inside of my head so much. Today I will try to figure out more of the marriage procedure. Hopefully I can just call the Town Clerk's office and ask questions, rather than visit myself. Everything in New Hampshire is very old-fashioned.

I should go out this weekend. I've spent too long inside. I dunno, I guess I'm feeling better today than I have been the past week or so. I think the heat and Brewster's crowing was having more of an impact on me than I thought. Sleep is important for my mood... even though I hate that we have to waste so much time on it.

Time to shower.

Well. Whole family know we're planning our marriage now.

This is going to be fucking hell.

There will be nothing left of me except my carcass rolling down the aisle.

If you want to kill me, invite me to a giant party with my extended family, most notably my Mom. It should be no surprise to you that I would hate an event like this, considering I keep this neocities page. X'DDDDD

ok, so. im not really healthy right now. well, im fine. uh. i know its stupid but i drank some heavy alcohol and weed. ok? it's not even that bad, im just a lightweight. im just not fully certain my body can act in its usual capacity. and i have to wait this out. ok im home, very nice. like ive been home. im watching over T. im making sure he stays on his side as he sleeps. im ordering myself not to move, because like i said im not at full capacity. i guess im starting to get a bit better, which is why i got the laptop to write this.

oh there's something so sad in my brain. it pulses sometimes.

nahnahnah i can't go that way right now. not that train of thought

im writing this to help stay awake.

dimmed the computer screen so the battery doesn't run out.

now's not the time to think about that.

now's not

baby girl he's a loner

baby girl he's a loner

mightnight organ donor

now's not

bitch im back out my coma

do not read into the earworms

do not think about your mother

find the point on your nose and take a deep breath

it's 8:04

im starting to fall asleep now aren't i

i should probably not read the youtube thumbnails right now. i look at them and they scare the shit out of me even though it's just some lets play channel

i wonder who reads this thing.

number go up for sure. all bots, are real?

if we had no memories to look back to we wouldn't have a past or a present, because there'd be nothing to compare the present to.

do not think about them

crotch itchy, im being absorbed back into my body

is A louder as i get more conscious> Mmmm?

do i like doing this so much so i can't think about A anymore?

don't think about that

i don't really know what it is, but it feels weird

im falling asleep

friend, the laptop i talk to...

maybe stop asking if you're real

alright ive been going like this for 2-3 hours, i know this lasts for 4

wait' until 10:30 im good

not really focusing on the nose anymore since it's making me fall asleep at this point. i think im sobering up.

i could get a coffee.

god damn i forgot T had puked

isn't DMT the stuff that gets released when you dream? that's be a fun one to try.

cops can't be that bad if you still call them, buddy

i hate that other people can be happy when im depressed as hell

maybe that's what it's all about

absolutely everything

"friendship wouldn't be preoccupied by if you like me back"

when's the last time i've been friends with anyone then?

the anxiety is gone today. finally. i dont know what caused that.

lie, i do. it was A. which is why im making a renewed effort to stay away from him.

im such a fucking idiot.

if i could just get my ass to the gym i'll feel happy with myself today.

I did go to the gym, and then I messaged P back, though I'm not completely done writing the message. He writes a lot. Talked about his crush mostly. Him and I have a lot of the same issues with clinging to people that are unavailable. If he knew about January, he'd know I'm handling it worse than him. I want to tell him, but I'm afraid he'll never see me the same way again.

Only two people know about January, T and his friend J.

...

Not a lot going on in my brain right now. I need to take a piss, but T's showering. I wonder what the global stance is on pissing while someone else is in the shower. I think it's gross, and I've only done it once because I was desperate. I think other people do it more often? My ex wanted me to piss with the bathroom door open, which was weird as fuck. Like one of the first things he asked me to do in the relationship.

What about pissing in the shower? What's the global stance on that? I tried it once and it was terrible. I felt like I was trapped in a box with the smell of piss afterwards. Other people are okay with doing that though. I don't drink enough water so that's probably why the experience sucked for me.

... Yeah there's seriously not a lot going on. Right side of my throat hurts, I think it's allergies. Ear hurts as well. Grand old time.

I sound like an old person complaining about a back ache. xD Well, I am old. Or getting older.

N never messaged back but she's probably busy. I hope to hear from her soon.

T's tired today, so it's a lonely night. Well, we fucked but, other than that...

Yet another good metal album. T would love this.

Throat still hurts, I hope I'm not coming down with something.

I finished drawing this from the other night, but I fucked up the layers so it looks like crap:

album is pretty distracting from my desire to do anything. lmao.

here: link

I'll buy the CD at some point.

YOU MUST SPEW FLESH FROM YOUR VAGINA OR I WILL BE VERY UPSET

DRAG THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT TO THIS SORDID EARTH

MAKE THEM TAKE THE PAIN OR LET THEM CHOKE

"the opinion is wrong because it is too edgy" -- man who says the N word to provoke people

anyways. there's nothing much better than tea with cinnamon sugar.

I. should work on the tree picture I've been drawing for the background of this site...

dun dundund undnudun

ah right, shit. i joined a generational discord for My Generation hoping to meet people my age. and the comments seem shit so far.

"r u a pedophile why r u here" in the discord server for late 20 somethings eieeowier

guys we are so screwed

good morning dimmsdale

there's a pit of anxiety in my stomach that at least goes away when i focus on something else. i guess that's something. or am i feeling better because i just took my meds? idk

im fine, from last night. im not sure why people assume im not doing fine. it's not really a good thing but sometimes i just need to act stupid.

i do have to actually do something today though. i think my body will benefit from exercising (haven't done it in a few days).

i also need to go down to the thrift store. and buy some things:

• new pair of shorts
• speakers for the computer
• CD player

and i need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription.

and take out the trash.

...

and I need to get together with N, probably at a bar. I'm nervous about this, even though she invited me to do this before i left the company. Her personality is so strong, idk why she'd want to talk to me more. Also she's a couple of decades older than me. Idk what I'd even talk to her about, there's nothing much going on in my life right now that she'd be interested in. She's a workaholic, honestly, I think she'd be surprised I don't have a job still. (Not that I'm looking for one yet.)

I shouldn't assume so much about her. It's best not to assume things about other people in general until you talk to them.

... alright, I sent her a text asking to hang out. @_@

maybe it'll go real well and I can stop feeling as lonely as I do.

i haven't tried bonding with anyone much older than i am other than D. (and D has issues. i don't think she treats her husband well, and she holds on to anger to the point where she endangers herself and her family with it. It's probably why her kids don't talk to her.) That's why I haven't talked to D since my job ended. Everyone gets angry at people, but it shouldn't rule over the important decisions in your life.

the hope with older generations is that they're more available to talk to than people my age, so I won't struggle as hard with loneliness. maybe more resilient than people my age too.

the loneliness thing will get better when i get another job anyways. kicking myself for planning a trip in late june, because i can't start looking until that's over.

its gotta end, this shit with A. alright? he hates you. why? because you didn't fuck him. you didn't go along with it. you didn't betray T.

he refuses to talk. he's going to make up whatever story he wants and tell his friends about it. fine.

he really wasn't good for you anyways. even if he liked you, there's no future. he can't comprehend you. there's a set way women are supposed to act in his brain, a set role, that he learned solely through memes and his chode buddies. and you're fucking with it. you're asking for something bigger than his fucking miniscule brain can imagine.

man does not have a lot of experience with women, it was blatantly obvious. i can only imagine why.

i always hope the best from these types--i don't think it's just to avoid someone for uh... being an idiot--but they always bite the hand.

everything he knows comes from memes. everything he knows about autism comes from memes. the guy talks like he's never opened a book in his life. how the fuck would a relationship between the two of you worked? he would abandon J so fast. fuck, he'd probably make J a butt of a joke if it impressed his friends.

he only cares about his popularity. that's why there's nothing to him. he'll change his beliefs on the fly to suit his audience. he's afraid to show enthusiasm for any interest unless it's smoking or solitaire, because he's worried about what his friends will think all the time. i can't imagine he's as suicidal as he says he is if he puts in so much effort to be as inoffensive as possible for his friends.

you're not alone. every now and then there's a person that floats through his feed that he's pissed at and he yells at them. there's probably a whole list of people who were once his friends and bamboozled like you were, because they didn't act the way he wanted.

you have to convince yourself of this. you know it's true in your head, but you don't feel it. you don't feel it because you're in shock still, feeling confused.

now what?

we're going to assume he's trying to provoke you with vague-posting since it's not like he'd admit it anyways. try not to read his stupid bullshit.

if you have a bad night, try to find any means necessary to alleviate it without screwing with A. because i don't think it helps you. you're still anxious as shit.

try to accept the truth of the situation in your heart. that he's a dick.

despite the above and the pit of anxiety that's been in my stomach, i did what i set out to do today. i got the things i needed, mailed that package, cleaned, etc.

My response to a thread about someone losing their severely autistic brother:

I still have my brother, but I relate to forming my entire identity around him. For better or worse, the earliest and strongest belief in my life is that I have to take care of him. I also chose my career based on him, and I've been the emotional punching bag for my mother. I love my brother.

I think about what would happen to me if he were to pass away a lot. I don't resent my sense of duty to take care of him. (it helps that he's a lot sweeter than many people's siblings in this subreddit) Resenting it feels like getting angry at the sun for burning too hot. I've questioned the strength of my belief to care for him though, and I tried (and failed) to deviate from it. This pillar of duty is too central to my core. But if he were ever to pass away, I would have no choice but to exist without it, right? What would happen to me?

Everything would change.

I predict I'd become more reckless. I wouldn't feel the need to do accounting anymore, and I think I'd probably quit. I think I'd abandon the safe life I built for myself, do harmful things to myself for the thrill. I'd feel less ashamed to kill myself. Maybe I'd kill myself... part of me admittedly fantasizes getting freed of this duty so I can.

Though maybe I wouldn't do these things. Maybe the sense of self-preservation I developed for the sake of my brother would be too strong, and I'd continue down the path of stability. It's hard to say what I'd do, I would guess something in between these two extremes.

... Enough about myself.

If you're like me, you've been overly responsible and self-sufficient your whole life. I'm in my late 20s, and I've been out of college for a few years now. Maybe you haven't started to feel this, but I've become pretty bored. My parents care for my brother; I won't have to start caring for him until a decade or so from now, so I'm left idling in my free time. I need something more from life to pass the time until that point. To give myself a second purpose, I've been exploring my artistic side. If you ever felt bored while your brother was alive, having some indecision about what to do with yourself, I'd try to remember what options you were considering and try to pursue them now. To give yourself a second purpose to your life.

In regards to coping with losing your brother, I don't have much advice. But I do know there's many psychology books on grieving the loss of a loved one, and there's grief counselors and therapists that can help. I remember reading these books myself when I experienced grief for different reasons. One thing I learned is that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Also you should not feel ashamed for how long or short your period of grieving is, nor the subject of what you feel grief over.

Why are there so many words inside this flesh prison of mine? I feel like a freak.

We rolling today on the stupid train weeeeeeewowwwwwwooooooooooo

I was really brave today and cleaned half the bird cage. (I don't have enough padding to clean the other side. I have to pick up a sacrifical yoga mat for that tomorrow.

im in god damn hell my headset isnt working

if i concentrate hard enough i can upload the new picture of my birds to the computer.

done:

the anxiety isn't going away

this fucking sucks

this chiptune good tho

how am i gonna live without this chiptune

the tickly shit needs to lleave my belly right naooooooooo

i want this chiptune to fucking kill me with how hard it hits

i feel like im in a pokemon game in this album. i wanna stay here forever

yea i'll be inevitably buying this. mmmm

i cannot forget about the drawing

you know maybe i dont use the computer for a reason. maybe i want to hear the sweet voice of the cvs man. "go check with your credit card company" but cvs man.............. how could you send me away, cvs man..........................

brewster stop activating me hunter gather instinct by mKING objects in my peripheral vission with ur wing flaps. this is actually so lame of you it is distracting from my important work.

i have a cute picture of brewster in a bowl. do you have a cute picture of a bird in a bowl? are you really living it? are you really alive?

nO i cant be real

it's all subterfuge and legerdemain

one on top of the other all the way down

well, not me

im openly an asshole when pushed

as you can clearly see

dangerous. it sure is dangerous. since you like porky the pig so much

idk. i dont really run from danger. i kinda just sit ther and hope my titanium shell can take the impact. idk what to compare it to. those giant sentinent balls in elden ring that kinda just appear in that one blue area.

idk. i enjoyed the aestthetic of ds3 better.

i havent played the new dlc yet hmmm

we could stop hating ea--nah

do u understand those aesthetic blogs? what's the point in collecting pictures of a single color or theme.

this album is gonna go in my pocket

>animal crossing "store in pocket" animation

i think it's necessary to eat spicy shit when im like this as an experience for myself.

man hates a good time

damn i just discovered the secret to becoming completely immune to spicy food and ive been censored.

though it all tastes real salty now. zero spice all salt.

aw damn i just found modern moby dick. i should not read that any time soon it's just too much

blood meridian cormac mccarthy

oh but i liked the road tho so maybe it's good

idk why he hates me so much. i am merely offering a joyous occasion of salsa and beer

you know thats probably why they always serve hot wings and beer together

you get immunity

ehhh the spicieness comes a back uh

nothing really matters man. not you or your bible study buddies.

debating on the 2nd gummy

friday was the last day i had one. i just don't wanna do it too much and build up a tolerance. idk. ppl probably think im paranoid of that but im just a big believer in too much of a good thing is bad for you. so im paranoid of good things.

i should've started eating the salso in the beginning im sooooooooo dumbbbbbbbbbbb

binbinbninbing

max chillin

... there has to be some genetic survival reason why im like this. how does this shit help me survive a buffalo attack

he's so"i can survive a bufflo attaack" and then"why can you survive a buffalo attack how dare you"

oh i think i heard an earthbound sound in this

i ran out of tortilla chip. can someone aquire me tortilla chip for my salsa?

ah yea there's definitely earthbound sounds in this. it's a great game. i really need to finish mother 3.

i love jrpgs like earthbound. it's a jrpg, right?

ohhhhh brewster go back to sleep i put the cover on

yeah shit fuck this shit outta here

back to the one i was listening to

ya think he's manipulating me? not sure myself

fuck i feel so relaxed

is shit shaking and vibrating around me or is that someone on a different floor knocking stuff around

maybe if him and his buddies performed an exorcism on me id be better

baws music

i keep feeling like there's a giant black pillbug or cockroach at my feet. at the edge of the bed. just right out of touch. like when you hold your finger close to someone without touching, but you still kind of feel it in a tingly way.

I feel like shit today. Period.

Sleep was weird again, but better because T gave me the thinner blanket. Unfortunately he sweated his balls off. I ordered a clone of this blanket on Amazon, and it should be coming in today. So hopefully that fixes the heat issue.

Brewster loves crowing at the crack of dawn. Which is before 6am now. I have to start covering his cage at night.

I have to clean the cage today too if the zip ties arrive. Peeko is looking very chunky with egg. I hope the pain from my period settles down later in the day. I'm fortunate that I don't have it as bad as other women.

There's a lot of chores to do. I have to run out to the store and restock on food, and do laundry. But that will come later in the week. We don't have any coffee left, so unfortunately I have to go outside today anyways and buy Monsters for tomorrow. Hooray.

Eggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Today is fucking gross.

Sir I'll tear your shit apart.

FUCK

...

I want to fucking scream.

May you get sloshed at every fucking opportunity.

Spineless, hedonistic fucks!

...

These emotions, there's no point. But, let me tell you: I'm reinvigorated. I'll work the song I've been making harder this week.

He's making something as well. If he's trying to taunt me he's succeeding. I'm a competitive person, but I don't have much of an outlet for that.

Enough focus on A.

My meds are wearing off again. It hasn't even been that long since I adjusted them. I don't want to adjust them again, it's too soon. I can't go through a life of bliss, I must tolerate some pain. It doesn't feel like a natural life, otherwise. (Meaning I must hold some of my identity within my sorrow.)

I'll have to pick up the psychological exercises again, especially ones that can help me stay present, instead of adrift in my head.

I should sleep.

I need to clean the bird cage today, but what I really want to do is work on improving the site. Ugh. But the bird cage has to be done. Peeko will lay her egg soon, and I won't get a chance to clean it for another month if she does that.

In Buddhism there's the concept of lay people: people who live ordinary lives, and donate to the monks so they can live their way of life. The Buddhists realize one can't exist without the other.

I know my path in life is one as a lay person. The monks of the modern world are the starving artists and activists who fight for a better planet, even if they exile themselves from society in the process.

I can't become a monk because I have my disabled brother that will rely on me for everything some day. I think many people mistaken my assimilation into our shit society as cowardice. No, I'm choosing to be a lay person. My hope is to assist the monks of our era.

I tried to find the zip ties for the bird cage so I could replace the bedding, but I lost them.

The days are flying by me. I'll feel like the day just started, and look outside my window to see the sun setting.

There really wasn't much to today but it's okay. I exercised outside with the trampoline, then laid in the sun with Brewster. A couple of dudes talked to me a bit about my bird.

That's pretty much all that happened today. Hehe.

Shit's going by so fast I don't have the time to form an opinion on it.

I sunbathed a bit too while I was out there. Hoping to get a tan, but really I just think the sun feels nice on the skin. I've spent the recent years inside so much, simple things like sunlight are coveted.

I'm glad it really doesn't matter how ridiculous I look with a mini trampoline. Most of my generation aren't going to have a house until their late 30s if we're lucky; I'm not going to wait to have a yard before enjoying the outside air.

Planning on watching more Voyager with T tonight because the sunburn is making me too sleepy for gaming.

...

Apparently I put the cheese in the cupboard. Lol.

To myself: you should stop doing what you think is responsible to do during these times, and do what you want to do. You can just do what you want to do now. Leave the grinding to complete a big project or a new endeavor for another time. There's no rush to complete your ideas and aspirations, and if you feel chained to complete them, you are binding yourself from the freedom that you worked so hard to get.

I'm not sure what to do today.

I have to send my old boss an email about the CPE credits thing... aaaaaaand done. How I try to handle things I don't want to do is just do them immediately when I think of them, and empty my mind as I do it. Instead of thinking about how I don't want to do the chore, I try not to think of anything at all. That's easier to do than getting myself motivated and excited to do it, anyways.

I have to get a lawyer for T and I's marriage, because we want to combine our last names into one name, and drop the hyphen. Apparently that requires us to go through the whole name change procedure as well as getting the marriage license. I'm tempted to ask N and M if they'll do it for us, but I'm also worried they'll judge us for not doing the whole ceremony bit. But maybe they won't. They don't seem like the type of people to judge.

...

DMs have been empty for a while of any messages from friends. I guess over a month. ... Wait. Only about 2-3 weeks. Still feels like a long time. And we're more like emailing each other slowly than having a conversation.

Something must be done. I'd open up to people online, but I'm shy. I don't even have a decent avatar to use anymore. ... I'll try not to rely on online friendships too heavily, and keep looking for things to do irl. But I've been reading statistics about my generation, and it seems finding someone who isn't online all the time is growing slimmer by the year. I think it's inevitable that I have to keep some online friends, because of that.

Why am I so avoidant of socializing on the internet? Because there's been too many times where people disappeared off the face of the Earth without a word. I had a theory, and I guess I still have this theory, that people who take the time to meet with you irl are more likely to put effort into their friendships. Which is why I wanted to meet with people irl. I'm tired of being the person who puts in effort only to be ghosted, and honestly, I'm traumatized from it. And I feel like you're not allowed to complain about getting ghosted. The sentiment online towards getting ghosted is "tough shit, just get over it". I get people needing space, and I try to give people space. But I often end up getting abandoned completely. I just think to most people I'm boring. Everyone always has someone else that's their favorite, and I'm just there to talk to to pass time until that person comes back. It makes me not want to interact with anyone online.

I've also seen the internet ruin people I once knew. I used to have a friend, but he got too involved with politics and internet drama. I suspect he started to develop schizophrenia on top of that. He was on track to get a PhD in psychology, and he had plenty of money, and even a fucking house, but he threw it all away. To fight with fascists online, to worry if he was being targeted by fascist groups and the government, to arrange brigades on certain subreddits, discord groups, and content creators.

I don't label him with schizophrenia lightly, and for all I know it could be some other illness in that family. I know he experiences long bouts of psychosis though, and here is my reasoning for that:

I got in contact with him after a period of silence last year, and he somehow ended up in the States. (He's from Europe.) After talking to him for a bit, he told me he needed help, because he was trapped with an abusive partner that was draining him of all of his money and maybe physically hurting him. The reason why he couldn't leave her was every time he tried, she'd threaten to kill herself, which is like, manipulation 101. He happened to not be too far from me, so I picked him up from where he was and gave him a place to stay until he could board a plane for home.

He kept talking to her through discord though, and she once again convinced him she was going to kill herself. He was convinced that only he could save her from her mental health issues, and because of that he had to go back to her. Apparently she has thousands of malignant alters that he can whisk away in a single conversation with her. (But more appear and he has to do this again.) I don't have a problem with people who believe they have alters. But there's not a lot of evidence for multiple personality disorder and I'm inclined to follow science on that one. Also, even if it was real, someone having the ability to vaporize a thousand personalities in a conversation sounds ludicrous.

He had all these weird beliefs about his abilities, about her, and about the field of psychology which is ironic since he was going for a PhD in that. He did not seem to have a grasp on reality.

There was also other things. Very poor hygenie, which is common when there's something going on with someone whether it be depression or something more serious. But I took him to the store to buy him essentials, and he acted like he'd never been in one before. It took him a long time to process what he was looking at and how aisles worked. I watched him struggle to use a vending machine, and I eventually had to get what he wanted for him. I asked someone else I knew in Europe if they had vending machines and he said yes. There was something very wrong going on with him, and I hate diagnosing people, but he did not want to seek help from professionals at all who could accurately diagnose him... or tell me he was fine.

How did this all end? He wanted to go back to her. T and I tried our hardest to get him on the plane home, but we couldn't convince him, and it's not like we can force him. For a while, we kept our suspicions to ourselves that he was going through a mental health crisis, and played along with what he was saying just to get him on the plane.

But that didn't work, so I had to drive him back to where I picked him up. T an I stayed down there the entire day in case he changed his mind and wanted to come back with us, but he did not indicate so.

A few weeks later we were talking on discord again. That's when I told him I thought he was going through a mental health crisis and that he needs to talk to a professional. I told him that because I have no idea if anyone else in his life has tried to broach him with the subject. He got extremely angry at me, and wouldn't speak to me for a while after that.

Last I heard from him, he asked to stay at my apartment again. If it were solely up to me, I would've let him if he surrendered everything he used to connect to the internet. But T was very broken over all of this, and everyone else in my life told me not to take him back in. So I didn't, and I told him to go find professional help. I told him, wait in the airport at least until the plane arrives if he didn't want to get help.

Those were the last words we spoke to each other. I have no idea what his life is like right now, only that I know he's alive from the discord servers we're both still in. I check up on them every once in a while to see if he's still active somewhere.

I don't know if I did the right thing. I tried the best that I could. It still weighs on me. We were friends for a long time.

I know there was something mentally going on with him, but I also blame the internet and the shitty people on it. Its been a big reason why I've been avoidant of online communities in the past year. Even as I write this, I'm having second thoughts about whether I really want to get involved in all of that again, despite my loneliness.

I should've let him stay with me again.

Cried and went to sleep after that entry. Can you blame me?

Shit sleep again. I blame the heat.

I read an article on the state of immigration in South Africa. I'm trying to read the news more. I haven't watched it much in the past few years, in order to focus on holding my own head together. But I'm in a better place now, and I think I'm due for stepping outside the cave I built for myself.

South Africa has a drug and crime problem that makes the US's complaints about drugs and crimes look trivial in comparison. Natives to the country blame immigrants for this, but they only make up 4% of the population. (In comparison, foreign-born people make up 14% of the US population.) The hostility towards immigrants is intense, with vigilante groups forming to demand proof of identification from immigrants, and attacking them. The immigrants are also vulnerable to crime groups that have the power to seize abandoned buildings in the country, (insane) and "rent" them out to immigrants. Not paying up in time often results in a beating, and many of the criminals are armed when they collect rent.

Many people in Africa flock to South Africa in hopes for a better life outside of poverty, believing in the legacy Nelson Mandela left behind. He often talked of a united Africa; the African nations overcoming their differences to stand up to colonialism. Because of this, post-apartheid South Africa happily opened its borders to refugees and immigrants in the 90s. However, in the current year, much of the population did not live in South Africa during apartheid, and the article says this could be the reason for the changing attitude towards immigration.

My opinion: I don't know much about South Africa. But the fact that America has a higher percentage of foreign-born people in its population than South Africa, and we're able to keep criminal groups from seizing buildings and other crimes that would be unheard of here, probably means that there's another reason for South Africa's instability, and the fault is not on the foreigners.

I'm particularly worried for South Africa because this vigilante group is organizing into a political party in the country. While the officials of the party say they're not violent against immigrants, first-hand accounts say otherwise.

... I didn't see much for American news.

I spent today reading that article, exercising, and working on my song. Then T and I watched a few episodes of Voyager together.

Think I'm going to spend the rest of the night reading Moby Dick and Dracula. One of the two. Or both.

I also updated the ChatGPT page on why I'm discontinuing it.

My sleep was shit. Feel tired today. I wanted to get a lot of chores done, but it's going slow. I don't know why I've been sleeping terribly lately. I'll always feel tired going to bed, but my brain can't stop thinking. I partially blame the birds for waking me up early too.

Once again, our wills are limited by our bodies.

I swear I had something more to say, but I don't remember it.

I remember now: I decided to stop using AI. I'll update with a thorough explanation when I don't feel exhausted.

Despite my exhaustion, I got a lot of cleaning done today. I wish I could've gotten to Ableton, but on a day like today when I haven't slept well in two days, I think I did great. I also lifted weights at home since I didn't feel like leaving for the gym.

The end of the day always seems to be the loneliest, once again. Before you fade into sleep. I imagine the last moments of life feel like this, only more intense.

Maybe it's not loneliness I feel, but the melancholic awareness that with the end of each day, we are closer to death.

I wonder if I mistake a lot of my sadness for loneliness. Maybe I put my sadness in a lonely frame because loneliness is the most familiar type of sadness to me, even if the frame doesn't match the picture.

If I fear sleep each night, then maybe I enjoy life despite its anguish.

We are all aware of, or at least I hope we are, our death on a logical level. But I didn't feel the ebbing of my vitality in my heart until I was 27. I'm not sure if the suicide attempt shortly before my 27th birthday had anything to do with it, or if it was because of the new year, and I realized I would soon age another year. I know it sounds like I'm just describing a birthday, but for some reason that one arrived with a sense of urgency. I've been trying to live better ever since: complete the goals I want to complete, and accept that some aspirations are beyond my reach.

Yes, with an air of dejection, I tell my younger self this: you will never be a professional youtuber.

My sour mood has lifted, as mysteriously as it came. Was it the meditation yesterday that helped? It's possible. I didn't feel the full effects of the meditation until today though. It could also very well be that the gloom came and went for no particular reason at all. Emotions and the brain in general are mysterious to us still.

I exercised at the gym today, and took some time to sunbathe outside. The heat and humidity is bad, but not unbearable. You adjust to it after a while, unlike the Texas heat in the south. I took Peeko out as well to join me. Both her and Brewster are the couch potatoes of birds: they don't like leaving their cage. So when they're outside they're a bit on edge, but I can't imagine keeping them inside all their life is good for them.

I feel a bit sleepy right now from the sun I got; wish I had gotten more. (I started to feel rain so I packed up and went back inside.)

Now I'm trying to read more of Moby Dick. I'm close to finishing it, and I want to get it done so I can move on to another book. I guess I'm torn on whether I like the book or not, which is why I'm trying to finish it. The whole thing is just kind of weird, and I don't know if that's good or bad.

I feel like T's entire family hates me. I wasn't a surprise, but H? I'm disappointed. I moved up here hoping for a better family, only to find a shittier one. And H annoyed me, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt because of her husband. My reward? Her anger.

...

I've got to stay calm. It doesn't matter if she hates me or not, nothing has happened. Unless something happens to me directly, I can just chill. She might not even hate me anyways.

many haters afoot

I feel a bit sick today, because I ate too much junk food over the weekend. I think I was depressed-eating.

I'm eating light: bread and chicken noodle soup. And I'm skipping exercise today.

I just don't feel like doing anything. These days are going by faster and faster.

I guess you can get used to anything. A luxourious vacation can feel like a prison if it lasts too long. And if you're doing the same things every day. Exciting things just lose their luster after a while, doesn't matter what it is.

I just remembered I never beat Dragon Age: Origins so I'm playing that from the beginning. T can watch. I also need to beat Cuphead still.

dusk is the opposite of dawn

weeeeeeeeeeeeee game won't loaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd

yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

please pray fore me. i must load shadersssssssssssssssssss

im tryna play horizon forbbiden west and naughty dog has been naughty with the shaders again

the naughties

.....,mmmmmmmmmmm

computer just crashed

gg

they know they can release shit and we'll buy it anyways. because we chase a high

... oh boi. their PATCH made this happen. FFFFF!!!!!!

woman waaaaaman

sorry about ur cock! i wont hurt it again.

world's a shitshow

and im a nightmare

n3v3r lose me in sight

bring back the tide

i was never right

we were never right

how much of it was a lie?

if i poked you, would you bleed?

you did bleed

paper mache

why did i like you? there's nothing to you

talks big shit when he's not

pretends

pretends to have qualities

sir,

consider me for a second. a person outside of yourself. or a person well-hated. then consider you. really consider you. all the effort put into pretending to be something you're not.\: catholic, trans ally, solar-eclipser-w-ballcock-@-99, etc. what has it reaped you? what's the reward for the effort?

didn't all ur friends ditch you when it happened?

and with ur new friends you have to pretend ur catholic around them?

budddy idk dawg.

be me fucking scribe

when people order me to stop screaming, i start screaming incoherence.

I feel empty today. There's a giant hole in me that I can't fill. I can only live with it.

Some people think I shouldn't live with depression, or that anyone should. And they're right; in an ideal world, none of us would feel sad and depressed. There would be no scarcity in love. There would be nothing to want because you would already have it.

I'll fight day and night for a world like that for everyone. Maybe it's possible, someday. I hate the bitterness of people. who cling on to the way things are currently or in the past because it's correct, or the truth, instead of recognizing the world is constantly changing, and what is true and factually correct now may not be in the future. Our pessimism could one day have no grounds to exist. There are many things people are pessimistic about already for no reason.

Yet...

A world free of depression is not possible right now. I try my best to fight, like many people do, but there's a point where I have to give in to it. Pretending it's not there, or getting angry at myself for feeling it, is only going to make me feel worse. I don't think aquiescence is the same as weakness in this matter.

Told T I was depressed so he bought me a video game I've been wanting. I feel spoiled. He didn't have to, lmao. ToT

I guess I will run out to the store for him, instead of sitting around in my head all day missing people like I planned on doing.

i wish the pain in my head would stop. i want to carve canyons into my skin. reveal the rivers flowing through them. those violent waters screaming through me.

but no, i must be an untouched prairie under a blue sky. i must be fertile land, toiled and put to use. someone else's life, discovery, trophy.

I remember back in high school, I was at a sleepover, and this girl yelled at me for being unfunny. I was sitting there for the rest of the night on the verge of tears in the midst of everyone. Later in the year, I partnered with the same girl for a school project, not because we wanted to be partners but because we were the last two people left in the class without a partner. We went somewhere after school to work, and she brought her friend along. They both were talking about how they're not bad people for stealing their Dad’s credit card for $100 hair treatments. Meanwhile, I was left to do the whole project.

... Not sure what made me remember that…

I had a real lazy morning, slept in until 10 am. (I should really set an alarm and get that back on track.) Played Wolvden. I figured out why I've been lacking energy lately. The exercise I've been doing, I'm finally strong enough to the point where it's easy, but because of that I'm getting less endorphins from it, I think. Getting that athlete's high is what gives me energy and focus throughout the day.

So I set the cyclical to a higher resistance. God, it fucking killed me. The jump between 9 and 10 shouldn't be that extreme! Especially if there's 25 settings! I had to turn it back down to 9, because my heart rate was going dangerously high. Christ. I feel better from the exercise though, more present.

Wrote a bit about Kim Wexler on Reddit, from Better Call Saul, if you haven't heard of the show. I don't usually get incredibly attached to characters or media the way some people do, but she earned a near and dear place in my heart. I relate a lot to her, both her strengths and weaknesses.

I'd post what I wrote here but I don't want y'all finding my Reddit account. My other social media accounts are very shitposty, and what I write on them is less thought out. There's some of me in my posts, but I'm not completely presenting my true self and what I really think on them. Maybe it's like I'm taking a break from myself, in a way.

I workedd a little bit on my song today. I have the bare bones of it down, I just need to add more to what's already there to make it interesting.

we just can't be honest about ourselves on the internet anymore without somebody telling us to go to therapy. maybe it was always this way on major social media sites. god im sorry im honest about my flaws lmao. im fucking working on them. im already in therapy

i think i pulled my right boob exercising today.

life motto: there's bad decisions, and then there's worse decisions

It seems I accidentally made a chiptune song in Ableton. Lol. Fine. I guess I'll work with it. I want to make it sound darker though... The answer might lie in the drum part.

There's so many instruments in Ableton, different sounds and ways you can mess with it. It seems impossible to learn them all! I could get an okay sounding instrument, but a great sound could be buried in a pack somewhere with a few knob turns and whatever and I'll never find it. Gahhhhhhh...

My brain is jelly from that. Think I must've worked on the song for six hours today or something. I could fiddle with it forever, but I should try adding more sections. I'll work on that tomorrow and try not to get distracted.

I often feel lonely right before bed. When I'm the only one awake. T has been sleeping in the other room lately because of the heat, which adds to the loneliness.

There's not much that can be done about it.

Man, we're halfway through May...

Another month and I'll have to start looking for a job.

I wish I didn't lose a few days over shit sleep and being sick, but it is what it is.

Today is going to be another day of exercise and Ableton. I'm still playing Corru Observer, but T started watching my playthrough, and he asked me to wait until he gets home for me to continue. Fair enough.

The only way to get better at something is to do it consistently and alot, unfortunately. I'm not going to learn music composition in an afternoon. How do I get myself to sit down and commit to doing the same thing over and over again? When I get the idea to do something productive, I try not to think about anything much more than that. I don't try to argue with the idea or analyze it, I just follow it through. I clear my head and let my body move the way it needs to to get shit done.

Ableton is going to be annoying today though, because I need to backtrack through the course I was watching to figure out how to adjust the volume of a note without clicking and dragging it every time...

I wish people would take my outstretched hand. I feel like a massive piece of machinery meant to build, but I am left to rust.

It doesn't make much sense to shower before exercising, since the sweat is going to leave me gross at the end of the day. But if it's what I need to get my day moving, then I'll do it.

I do shit that doesn't make sense all the time. It's fine. If you're in IRL, people are too afraid of appearing rude too point out behaviors in others they think are nonsensical. They're not going to criticize us like our parents. We have a lot of personal freedom because of this, that many people don't realize.

"If only there was an attractive 16 year old girl who cared for me like my Mom and never tired of my bullshit, I would be fixed." -- Weebs, generally.

Not getting a lot done today. My fault for getting distracted with shit.

jk I took more notes on the Ableton course today. c:

Probably going to go exercise soon.

My landing page on this website bothers me. I don't know what image to put on the home page.*sigh* I wish I was a better artist so I can just draw all the graphics on this site, but I don't think I'm gonna be good enough for that for a while. Especially since I'm concentrating my efforts on other hobbies and healthy living.

Maybe I should bite the bullet and use some images from online. Though I do want to make my own banner... That I think I can do, at least.

I feel less preoccupied with A today, which is a good thing. Maybe it's... I don't know. I don't know why I feel less preoccupied with him. I'll just appreciate that my mind is a bit more at peace today.

I'm not very good at understanding why I feel the way I feel. In the past, I was engrossed with finding a concrete answer to the purpose of my feelings. The introspection would take up too much of my time with little reward. I would see this habit in others as well; witness the negative effects of too much introspection, and not enough action.

I think Brewster figured out my foot isn't another bird. Or maybe he doesn't like the taste of feet.

I haven't been getting good sleep at all since the concert, so I think I'll only do some light exercise today (strength training at home) in the evening so I can crash. I'll also make an effort to not nap today. T tasked me to boil some rice off for the curry as well, so I'll probably do that in the afternoon.

I've been thinking that I shouldn't force myself to read Moby Dick. It's bad to force yourself to do anything, unless if not doing it will affect your basic welfare. I was denying to myself that I was trying to force my way through the book. I'm pretty bad with that, denying my emotions, and it's another reason why I have a hard time with my emotions.

I do like Moby Dick, but it's a tough read. It's not engaging in the same way most novels are. It seems to function more as a textbook more than as a source of entertainment. Fortunately, I can be easily entertained with history and science.

Still though, this means I will have to take it slow, and I shouldn't feel bad about picking up other books if I'm not feeling Moby Dick. Besides, Moby Dick is the perfect book to do this with; not a lot happens in the novel.

Also learned the other day that apparently this book was heavily censored by the Brits because it would often slander the crown. Which, yeah, I see that. Meville loves calling them the 19th centure equivalent of a bunch of pussies.

Stumbled across this point and click game called Corru Observer. Well, that's what I think it's called. It's pretty good, pretty weird. Not much is explained, you're just thrown into the story and the environment, and you're trying to piece everything together. It's a sci-fi game. Writing is pretty good. So far I recommend it.

Ended up playing that game all day, haha. It's been a long while since I've gotten absorbed in a game like that. I welcome it when it happens though. For some reason, I'm finding it harder and harder to get lost in a video game, or a movie, or show.

I have this growing aversion to electronic media that I'm starting to lose my grip on, I feel. "Well, doing healthy things is good, and people escape into electronic media too much," you may say. Yes, true, and I think that's why I started to feel averse towards these things in the first place. However, this aversion is becoming less of a choice for me, and more of a reflex. I'm apprehensive that this aversion is turning into fear.

Ohhh I feels so dead today. Holy FUCK. The concert was amazing. I've been to a small metal concert before, but this was on a whole 'nother level.

It had a mosh pit, and I've realized I'm in love with the mosh. I wore a dress though so I think people felt awkward about that, so next time I gotta get a more masculine look for that. Thinking of a ski mask, a baggy shirt and cargo pants. Might opt for a binder.

Fucking ears still hurt though, same with my throat. and legs. and ass. Head feels like it's floating down a river somewhere from what I think is a hangover. I'm beat today. And I had a painful time trying to sleep last night, so I didn't get much of it. I feel so fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffucked.

It's fine though, it was all worth it. I'd go to a concert like that every week if I could.

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT I have created a page with my PETS. So now my loyal viewers will know who Brewster, Peeko, and Goliath are.

I keep having moments where I think something is crawling on my skin, or I think I see something out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there...

Going to a metal concert tonight. Seeing Cattle Decapitation and Rivers of Nihil, as well as other bands.

I was a brave soul yesterday... calling the DMV.

I also exercised yesterday, but this time I took the mini trampoline outside because it was sunny. I'm so happy I found a way to exercise outside that works for me, even if I look silly doing it. The sun and fresh air has been good for me and my ass.

...

God, I have to get this out there: I'm so horny rn. I keep thinking of ways to torture A. I'd wear something slutty and tie the asshole down. Strip him down to his boxers and bind his hands and feet to the bed so he's stretched out. He'd have to wait--it wouldn't be fun if we got right into it. I'd play with his chest a bit, neck him, tease him... then I'd take out the needle. Get on top of him, and start readying to give him a stick-and-poke tattoo. Watch him squirm and wince. Maybe he'd protest--do you think he would? What tattoo would I give him? Probably a cute little skull near his abdomen. Mmmm... I'd make it as painful as possible. I wanna hear him whimper. After it's done, then I'd finally take my clothes off and let him have what he wants. Maybe.

... I'm not usually a dom, but if you irritate me enough...

My horniness is over. Thanks for listening.

I got a picnic blanket a while back for when I use the trampoline outside. After I was done exercising, I laid down on it. I can't believe the sky is so beautiful... I haven't looked at it like this in a million years. I feel so small under it. The clouds are so far away... I wonder how many other people have taken the time to look up at the sky. Usually we wait for vacations in scenic areas to find beauty, but this is right outside my apartment.

I've been finding a lot of things around my apartment to be beautiful. The green grass, people walking their dogs, children on the playground. An uncharacteristically tall hotel hosted in a building that has been standing for over a hundred years. Our apartment sits on a hill that overlooks a nearby shopping outlet and parking lot. Even this is beautiful to me.

When you feel so small, surrounded by beauty like this, you forget yourself and your problems. You can fill yourself with the outer world.

Is this what it's like to live in the moment?

T wants a house someday, land to own, a dog and a toolshed. I won't keep him from that, but I find myself content with what we have. After our years of struggle, living with parents and cockroach infested homes, I feel fortunate and overjoyed to have a clean apartment in a nice area. Even if that area is boring suburbia.

I worked on my song for a while today. It still has a ways to go, but I have the basic melody. I need to twist it around and play with it, and come up with some lyrics.

My head hurts, I want to keep working on the song but my head hurts. I wonder if it's the bird cage? I don't know, but I'm forced to rest out here and chill.

The day can get started if I could just find my damn phone so I can call the DMV. THAT is a whole stupid saga that I plan dedicating its own page for. I bet you're fill to the brim with anticipation for my exciting adventures at the DMV.

Once again, not much to say today. Maybe I don't have a lot to say because I feel pretty at peace. The only thing I need to do is let go of fucking A.

Today's weather is unexpectedly nice. However, I have to stay in and clean the apartment because it's getting bad. I've also been meaning to deeply clean it while I have my time off.

If I still have time at the end of the day, and if it doesn't rain, I'll exercise with the trampoline and sunbathe. Even though it's cloudy... (Maybe I should wait to do that tomorrow? But I'm already sticky and covered in sunscreen smh...)

Therapy is tomorrow at 10am. I don't feel like going, but I never feel like going. It's never as bad as I think it will be, and besides... I'm almost ready to quit therapy. Once I get my new job, I will. I don't think I really need her anymore, I just want to get out of the woods of a crisis. And it's been an old goal from a year and a half ago to stay with her until I got my CPA license and a new job.

Not quitting the psychiatrist though... she's too important, unfortunately.

Was anybody going to tell me that the red shit that grows on the shower curtain smells like concentrated ball sweat when you try to clean it off, or was I supposed to suffocate and die in the shower by myself?

T, we are BUYING a new shower curtain next time.

God I should figure out how to get a bunch of that stuff and turn it into a spray to kill people with. It would probably work better than pepper spray.

To be fair to T, the smell is probably a joint effort from both of our crotches, but I just don't smell my half. Kind of like how you can't smell your own nose.

It's gonna be one of those nights. Idk.

da grass

I feel like this blog is getting more views but I think it's all bots lol. I should set up a guest book but idk. Kinda like not talking to anyone for now. There's still work to be done with this place anyways.

I bought a new album and he gave me some codes for his other stuff! yay

I should add a music page...

ambient mode lets goooooooooooo

two nights alone, two nights, on my own. T sleeps. no use for a phone

it's okay you can regard me sadly

I feel better today than the previous days, so going out to Boston must've helped me somehow.

One of those days without a lot going on or a lot to say. I might just be tired from yesterday. Shopping in Boston was sadly disappointing. They don't sell many clothes in my size. The shorts I tried on would either be too big in the front or too small in the back. Everything there was over $200. I got a few things, but still.

A lot of denim skirts were worn and sold, but I think the denim skirt I wore was the cutest. :3

Not an eventful day. I worked a bit more on my music. The rhythm on the part I'm writing is hard to nail down. I'll need to change the brass too so it swells and releases faster. Still figuring out to tie the loop back to the beginning as well.

I ordered the dress for when T and I get married. All we have to do now is choose a last name. I gotta get him to sit down and think about it seriously... because I don't want to hyphenate it...

My head hurts. I can't believe I have to sleep with this stupid headache.

I guess today is the day I go into Boston.

I didn't sleep for very long the night before. I was up late last night in a haze. I did manage to study more Ableton though.

I'm starting to think the way I've been eating has been contributing to my depression and lack of focus. I never feel well enough to do anything. So... I'm stopping the diet. We'll see if that changes anything.

Had a dream about F.

I hope I'm not too exhausted for Boston today.

I went back to sleeep but I still feel sluggish. I'm hoping a coffee will fix me.

Don't know why I was so determined the night before to spend a week looking at a wall. Still, after talking to T about it, it might be a good idea to spend a day doing this. But there's other things I need to do, such as go to Boston, and I can't let momentary depression interfere with the things I want to get done.

It's 6 am. Brewster is very excited, cooing at me.

Today: Exercise, go to the store for T, Ableton, clean. Pray that I don't crash after exercising again.

I don't feel like starting my day yet, but I want to get in the habit of exercising in the morning for when I have to go back to work.

What is life but the observance of our emotional fluctuations?

The mouse came back. T said we might need glue traps to stop it from reappearing. I don't want to kill it, but I don't think our landlord would give us a choice. T says the glue traps are brutal... I wonder if a traditional mouse trap would be kinder, but there's the chance it wouldn't snap shut correctly and the death would be slow anyways.

I would hate to live alone and handle these things myself. Another time to appreciate T.

I gotta remember to not use humor on Reddit when I want a question answered because everyone is going to take me seriously.

Wrote this thread on Reddit:

I don't feel like people my age, and I can't stop working (I'm 28)

It's hard-coded into me to take care of my brother. I don't know if my parents implanted that into me at a very young age or what, but at basically every major life decision, there's always the thought of my brother.

I've been extremely responsible with school, and I picked a career that makes money, because I expect to care for my brother someday. I try extremely hard at things. I've developed a thick skin and I've become extremely persistent. I cling to independence and self-sufficiency with an iron fist.

I stay quiet about this, but admittedly, I don't feel like other people and I'm secretly mad about it. The way I look at life is different than most people, because I couldn't afford to feel afraid of a social situation, or whatever insecurity. I had to fucking figure it out. No one else was going to do it for me.

I've reached a point in my life where I can relax, but it doesn't feel right. I feel like I have to keep climbing and fighting for something. Because my whole life has just been fighting. I don't know what else to do. I handle my hobbies like a task that needs to be completed. I do hobbies because normal people have hobbies, and it's healthy to have hobbies, right? I don't really know how to have fun with things. (Unless if I'm high.) Sometimes I feel like a robot.

Speaking of the robot thing, it feels like I don't have emotions sometimes, but I know that's not true. It's just that I have the bad habit of suppressing them below my awareness. I'm especially bad at doing this with my anxiety. I'll be having a full blown panic attack and think, "Ah, I must've had too much coffee this morning," or "Hm, having trouble focusing today, but I can just power through it."

I don't know if this makes sense. I'm trying to figure out how exactly living with my brother has affected me, because I think I repressed a lot. I just know that I have a hard time simply enjoying life. I always feel like there's something that has to be done, and I take everything way too seriously.

I'm not feeling today. Got high then drank a bunch, because when I'm high I'm a bottomless pit. Was pretty fucking fun, but I feel hungover.

I might just read today. I wanted to move stuff into storage today, but neither T nor I feel up to it, and I need T's help to access the building.

Dropping the saddest L on the ones who got facial surgery during COVID to look better in zoom meetings.

Uh, anyways, I'm attempting Dracula Daily this year, so wish me luck.

I've been listening to sasquatch ambience.

I gotta start planning to go to Boston. (Well, no one really has to do anything but that's besides the point.) I was going to go tomorrow, but they're predicting rain. It seems like Tuesday will be my only chance to go this week. Going to be a sucky week for doing anything outside.

Well. Here's what I'm planning to to buy:

• Another pair of shorts
• Solid colored tops (everything I have is patterned)
• Maxi skirts, solid colored, white, black
• New brown leather shoes, like my old ones
• Interview outfit
• Green, brown, naturey... themed. Gingham. Going for cottagecore lmao.
• Vintage?

I guess that's a fine list, but I have a feeling it's going to be what it is when I get down there. I'm bad at choosing clothes for myself.

My brain is absorbing itself into itself the longer this break goes on. I feel less and less like doing anything, despite the fact that these things I'm doing are supposed to improve me. If I'm not careful I will sleep through this entire thing. Maybe I'll just keep sleeping and let life go. Yes, the affliction is talking again. What else is new.

What if I did absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm depressed because I keep trying to do things. Maybe I should stare at a wall until I can't anymore. If I have to sit with myself, and only do that, at some point I'd have to tolerate my pain better. The fact that I have to live.

I think I might need to do that. ... That temple might take me in. But if they won't let me in I can figure something out to do in my apartment.

Yeah. Change of plans this week. I'm going to see how long I can go just sitting staring at a wall. I'll just eat, drink, and piss.

Nah I won't do the whole day, but I think I'll aim for 8 hours.

I'm a bit nervous about it to be honest. Haven't done something like this before. I'm hoping to build some resilience to my own mental bullshit by sitting with myself.

I have my therapy appointment on Friday which, I suppose I will keep... it might help to talk to her briefly during this.

It would be nice if I could be less reliant on drugs to keep me stable.

I'll still write in this thing once the 8 hours are done.

Though I have realized just now that I think I just need to watch Netflix and read some easier books more and I would feel happier, I'm going to still do this.

Fun headache this morning from meditating, but I've felt worse. Leaves on a Stream is updated. Trying to get in the habit of doing shit when I wake up instead of putzing around for hours. I'm about to go to the gym.

I miss A today. It's my fault for checking his page again. I wish I had friends to talk to. I wish I could give him this site to show him I've made progress on myself, but I think he would beat me over the head with my desire to impress him. He would use this to hurt me.

Why is it so hard to find people who want to talk to me?

The hell is wrong with me.

Fuck I feel miserable. No matter all I do, I feel miserable. No matter all the self-improvment shit, I feel miserable. No one seems to like me any better than before. I'm really supposed to get off to my own self-approval? I can't fucking do that forever. It feels empty.

I feel lazy today after last night. I stayed up until midnight and slept in this morning, spending my time high and lurking on lolcow.farm after hearing about it for the first time. I wouldn't recommend visiting that place to people. It's an image board with exactly what you'd expect from a url such as that.

I don't know what people get out of documenting and jeering at the lives of mentally ill people, other than a cheap way to feel superior to other people. Which I guess is important to those that have no faith that they can accomplish any more than that in their lives. Reminds me of T's father, who often shit on his children's intelligence when they were small children. No shit you're going to be smarter than an 8 year old child, I. The fuck you doing trying to hold them to an adult's level of intelligence; they're still growing. I think he feels so insecure about his own intelligence that he needs to prove to everyone he's a genius constantly in comparison to the people around him, even if it means shitting on his children. I get the same vibe from people who enjoy lolcow and cringe shit, except instead of getting their sense of superiority from feeling intelligent, they get it from not being mentally ill.

I only browsed through it out of morbid curiosity as to how fucked up people can get. We all have that curiosity about the disturbing and horrible to some degree. But it's better satisfied with true crime, I believe, for several reasons:

• The stories you hear in true crime have been weighed in on by courts of law, who try to analyze the facts of a situation an an unbiased and accurate manner. With more fairness than you'll ever get from an imageboard or random internet users. Besides the court of law valuing things such as honesty and measured compassion for the disturbed, the people who work in those courts--lawyers, judges--would be threatened with their livelihoods if they didn't do a good job. There is more on the line for them in assuring accuracy than any internet anon.
• It's not perfect, but true crime enthusiasts seem to attempt to recount these stories in a less biased manner. At least from the ones I've listened to. They also seem to wait to report on things until all facts of the situation have made themselves clear. (I used to be an avid listener of The Last Podcast on the Left, but once I changed jobs I couldn't afford to listen to that podcast as I worked.)
• I've noticed in this imageboard that people would place the same level of harsh judgement they would on a pedophile as they would on someone who hasn't uploaded a video in several months. Or, god forbid, someone being trans. I don't think I need to explain how stupid that is.

So, you know, I'll just stick to true crime when I'm feeling a lil morbid.

Is there worry that I'd end up on an imageboard like this one some day? A bit, considering my lapses in sanity. But I've already done, for years, things that would earn me a place on that board, and so far nothing has come of it in that regard. Considering you can earn a place on the site for the heinious crime of not uploading enough, there could've already been a thread about me as far as I know. I don't know what F does in his free time. A could easily write one. As far as I can tell however, if I passed through the awareness of that group of people, it hasn't really done much to my life. For now. Knock on wood.

I told T about the site last night, and he didn't know what a lolcow was! Quite the sweet summer child. His avoidance of engaging in behavior like the people on cringe sites is part of why I love him.

I learned that I can use javascript to quickly update URLs across the website. Which will be quite a fun time learning, when I get around to it. /sarcasm

I should figure out what my lazy ass wants to do for the rest of the day. I've been journalling for about an hour and a half now.

• Exercise
• Cleaning
• Ableton (I'm starting to get an itch to play around with it a lot. Which is good.)

I wish it was sunny out so I can use the trampoline, and then sit in the sun for a bit. Oh well. I need to get wireless earbuds and a wearable stopwatch anyways.

I forgot to say one more thing. I decided to visit T's Mom's side of the family with him on memorial day. I was scared of doing this at first, because of how I've been with I. But my Mom told me that her side of the family probably already knows about his behavior, and they probably hate him for it even if they don't say it. So I feel more comfortable visiting them now, and less like an asshole.

Something about exercising makes me want to take a nap afterwards. I think all the endorphins just make me feel so relaxed. I guess I'll try taking a nap now.

It's 11pm, and I'm feeling the sickness.

I should go to bed, but I'm busy with the irrational thought of if I stay up later, I will solve the problem.

What problem? I don't know.

Aw fuck, visual studios moves way faster than the neocities editor. I'm never going back. Lmao.

Okay did that work? No. I still have the fucking auto complete shit going on.

Hmmm I think I might be screwed on this issue. At least, for now I am. I'm not motivated enough to fix this. And maybe I can get used to it.

GOD. The depression again. I was feeling fine when I woke up but then I started thinking about my parent's marriage. I don't even know why. I wish my Mom would stop shitting on my Dad so much. And I wish they would both just leave me out of their mess. It's kind of ridiculous that after decades of marriage they haven't been able to figure shit out between each other. And my Dad lies to himself about how terrible their marriage has gotten. I don't understand how he can just turn his back on all of us and pretend things are better than they are.

I should meditate more, but not like I have been. I don't think I need to get in touch with what's going on in my head during meditation, since this journal has been helpful with that. But I do need to practice letting go of thoughts and refocusing myself. It would help with my studies, and getting shit done generally. I won't lose hours staring into the face of depression trying to figure her out.

So I meditated and I guess I did alright. I'm not very sure. But then I decided to take a nap, and I feel better. =w= (But this is cheating)

So I figured out what was wrong with my drawing pen. The instrructions on this fucking thing are the worst I've ever seen. Instead of just saying, "This is how you turn on the pen," it talks about how the pen has two modes, and you have to set it in the correct mode for it to pair with your computer. You fuckers can just say On and Off! My fucking god!

Corporate speech is going too far.

But now I get to have fun with a new drawing utensil. Also excited to take notes on my tablet with this thing. I feel like such a nerd...

We are going places in Ableton. Got measure one down mother fuckerssssssssssssss

We got four measures down motherfuckerssssssssssssssssssssssss

I want to make................ a meme page of memes I like and see on the internet. but that would require work on my part.

There has to be a way to update all the links in the sidebar on each page in one fell swoop, whenever I add a new page. Because there's going to be a lot of pages.

F, guide me.

To be completely honest I'm sitting here bored waiting for T's laundry to get done drying. As part of my promise to myself that I would clean today. It's probably done by now, but I always seem to show up five minutes before it's actually finished. I don't think laundry machines can tell time very well.

Stared at A's profile today unfortunately, but I feel less depressed now. Honestly? As long as I'm not depressed I'm doing great in my book. If I have to stare at A's profile to feel less depressed then I will. Gonna keep trying not to look at it though.

Laundry is probably done. Do I dare go.......?

hot dog and cheese allegations

it's weed night but it's not star trek night awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................................

im on a bad site :3 lolcow.farm. i never go on shit like this, i hate seeing it. i will thank it tho, because getting spammed with that shit on youtube made me quit watching youtube. i only watch youtube if someone else puts it on now

im getting more and more divorced from things other people normally do... i feel like a freak. i don't feel like i relate to anyone

anyways lets hurt my brain by staring at it

can i just say that all threads except one are about white women

ok we got a second one. and i just mean something different than white women. two white male pedopphiles

wow i got teleported into a world where u could get testostrone over the counter. just kinda read that and was like "yep that's the way the world works now".

that would be a world for sure

I can't believe it's already May. I don't feel this way as much anymore, but part of my mind is still wrapped up in January. I feel like I lost February and March to a haze of depression and shock. I only began living again in April.

I need new clothes. So today's the day I plan a trip to Boston to go looking for some. Why go all the way to Boston?

• The clothing stores sell nicer apparel. Or at least that's my theory anyways because the place is wealthier.
• I know for a fact their thrift stores have good shit.
• I like trying on clothes in person to see if they fit.
• I can feel whether the fabric is of a higher quality or not if I go in person.
• Boston's a dope place, and now I'm fit enough to walk it.

I'm hoping there's an app that'll help me visualize my outfits better with the clothes I have. That's the hardest part of shopping for me... I forget the clothes I have and what could go good with them.

Spoke to my parents, and I'm a little depressed after it. They probably think I'm a wizard at life, but it only because they know about 10% of me. I don't tell them everything else, or all the bad. And I don't think they want to know. They have no idea about January, about my bipolar diagnosis, or that T and I broke up and got back together. And I don't think they'll ever know. If they did, they'd want nothing to do with me, and they'd offer no help. They only want to hear from me when I'm doing well. Because of that, they'll never really know me.

Makes me feel more alone. 99% of people abandon me when I show weakness. Very few people are actually supportive when I need help.

My father has the gall to ask me to live close to him. Considering the above, my response was obvious.

I did find an app for my clothes. Buggy as hell, but I'm not motivated enough to look for a new one. It'll work.

Right now I'm eating the fish I made the other day, and just... wondering what to do next. I feel motivated to clean, but I think it's more important that I screw around in Ableton today.

I'm not really happy, going through this list of tasks for the sake of self-improvement. I really just want to be around other people, and not work on myself as hard as I have been. The self-improvement I only do because nobody else wants to be around me. I feel like I'm on my own, and because of that, I always have to be strong in order to protect myself. I would just kill myself if it weren't for my brother.

I wish I had a family and friends I could let my guard down around. I only have T. My life would be so much easier if that were enough for me.

I wish this fucking lady would just tell me I'm allowed to bring the birds to the campground. Private campground owners are as ridiculous as landlords except it's over a patch of dirt. Which makes the whole thing even more baffling. I was looking at another campground, but apparently they have a policy against certain breeds of dogs. I can't give money to people like that! Why do we live in a world with dog racism? Bloody fuck.

Anyways I don't know if this lady is bored or what but she keeps asking me questions about the birds one email at a time, and she's so slow to respond. Like bitch I want to schedule the damn site before it gets taken. Don't you want my money? Fucking christ. Go find a church group to have brunch with if you need people to talk to.

Maybe I shouldn't sit in front of the computer so much today and spend some time cleaning instead.

Nah the cleaning isn't going to happen. Already too late in the day. I have no idea where the time went. I guess the depression I sunk into was too... consuming. I at least planned out a trip to Boston next week.

Here's a list of things I want to do tomorrow:

• Ableton
• Clean the bedroom and do laundry

Taking time off sounds like it's easy, and it should be, but it's not for me. Because it means I have to sit with my thoughts more. And they're not good.

Am I thinking? I don't have a coherent thought in my head other than what I'm writing. The depression is a feeling I can't explain that has no cause, and no real thought or mental image that I can hold on to. But it pains me.

I already want to go back to work. It's only been two weeks. Half of the time I was sick with a cold, so really, I've been sitting with myself for only a week. I've described myself as a workaholic on a couple of occasions, but I never really believed it to be true. I always thought that description suited a perfectionist more that spends 16 hours days at their job for fun.

But now I think I'm some form of a workaholic. I guess it snuck up on me. My job lets me escape myself easily. I'm given other people's business to worry about rather than my own, quite literally.

It's tempting to go find someone to spam, so I can distract myself with the pain of rejection rather than whatever this is. At least that depression has a reason. And because there's a reason, my mind is given something to tinker with, which makes the depression less unbearable.

It's almost 5pm, the day is almost over for me. Yes, I still wake up at 4 am.

I could stare into the face of depression for the rest of my life, or look at something else. And there's a lot to see, more than I will ever be able to see firsthand. Which is why it's important to choose what we spend our time on wisely. How long have I tinkered with my depression? How many times have I pulled it apart and put it back together, trying to form meaning from its components? To find a way to solve it? I have spent more than half my life. I grow weary from looking at it for so long. I'll give up finding a way to solve it if it means I don't have to look at it or tinker with it anymore.

I want to experience as much as I can. To see as much as I can. The list of tasks I do throughout the day... to limit them to self-improvement would be to limit my experiences. And maybe that's why I'm dissatisfied with my progress.

Ahh... these are the thoughts that landed me in Maryland. Am I really insane for having them? For wanting to step beyond the limits we place on ourselves, on what we can experience or not?

There's a lot more to be said, but I should go to bed.

Despite having no responsibilities, I somehow still manage to make myself anxious. It feels like there are worms crawling in my diaphragm, and a snake constricting my throat. In fact, I'm more anxious right now than when I was working. I don't know why this is...

Maybe it's because I'm having to sit with my thoughts more than usual. That's probably it. It's harder to fend off thoughts about F and A when I'm not obligated to focus on something else.

I hope one day I will learn how to sit with myself.

I'm trying to accept the pain from anxiety instead of pushing it away. I think I'm going to lie down and pretend that I can never walk again because the anxiety has ruptured my spine.

Voice to Text writing, some meaning lost in transcription:

All right so I can't move completely bed bound. I'll never be able to move again can't do anything all I can do is stare at the ceiling all the things I want to do I can't do cuz I'm anxious it's completely defeated me in every possible way. never going to recover. want to scratch it itch on my leg and I can't because I am completely immobilized by my anxiety. can't sleep. too much energy to sleep. someday we're all going to be like this but it's not going to be because of anxiety. might as well start preparing for it, putting myself in the mindset. right now I can pretend it's anxiety any of this one away. I feel like it's coarsing around my heart sometimes to my left arm goes up from the stomach to the heart to my arms. I have an ache in my wrist and a Pang of hunger. I'm watching Peekoo she is loafing. through eating because. almost always the one that initiates a kissing between them. they're pruning each other. maybe because my chest is so tight from anxiety it will make my boobs stronger somehow. like they'll grow muscle mass and become the size of watermelons hard as bowling balls. take one up and lob it at a person. I would if I could move again unfortunately I can't seem to do that. kind of comes in waves the anxiety. sometimes I think it's over and then it's not. I'm just at the trough of it I guess. keep wondering if we're done and I know I can't end just pretend that it ends. kind of like bipolar. I wish I could see the little airplanes that fly over the beaches with their little banners usually advertising like a nearby place. I miss those somehow even though it's advertising I kind of miss them. I haven't been to the beach in a million years. oh I wish I could go to the beach this summer go down to North Carolina. but I can't move. never really felt the muscles in my face individually like with my head. wonder how many muscles are in a human hand. teach me matters when I am ready to go face God. when you focus too hard on something else the anxiety comes back. what am I going to do and never focus on anything again? just have to deal with it. oh I want nothing more than something to do but I can't move. getting the weird sleep twitches. my body falls asleep so easily now that just a part of growing old? as soon as you plant your ass down you want to go to sleep. an itch on my nose my cheek and can't scratch it because I can't move. tea is a good word. could have called Peeko teacup or something. saw a white Flash but my eyes are closed. anxiety is just going to come and go and come and go. wonder what this medication is doing to me. with the twitching shit I mean it's not a huge side effect but it makes you wonder what's going on. I'm going to pretend I'm at the beach stop pretending I'm paralyzed that I'm watching the waves and I'm watching my anxiety go up and down with them. maybe the waves crash and I find myself with a mouthful seaweed and that's what anxiety is. think the anxiety said I don't care level now

The anxiety stablized after pretending that I'm a paralytic. By "stabilized" I mean it resolved itself to a low consistent hum, which is something I can work with. I went to the gym and was able to kill the feeling completely with exercise.

Today's the day I try to make this site prettier and less basic. I finally feel the motivation to work on that. It's okay that this is a come and go... project. I enjoy the writing part more than the decorating and coding, I have learned.

This page I'm editing--this... (F I invoke your wisdom) "text-editor" I think it is called. Slow and laggy as shit. Not sure if it's because this file has gotten so large or what. I have to find something else to use, or I'm going to lose it.

sidebar poggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Another day.

...

This just became a bad morning...

yay!

(I'm fine)

why does Reddit have to shit on me about my pregnancy paranoia. yall can say what you want about my pregnancy paranoia, but ive never been pregnant, so im obviously doing something right.

period beam

Despite my depressed mood because of my period, (I'm a fucking idiot. Idk how many times I got scared of becoming pregnant right before my period started.) I did work on Ableton today. Big props to meeeeeeeeee. Also I cleaned the bathtub.

The course moves so fucking slow though... I keep spacing out during it because the guy made it so boring and repetitive. Idk if other people need the same thing repeated to them 5 times and I'm just weird, or if the instructor is just bad. I guess I'm learning though so at least I'm getting somewhere.

Take me one at a time now

Show me the door

I've forgotten what's real

Many times before

I take life one at a time now

"Meet me at the door"

I've wanted to forget what's real

Many times before

I'm already thinking of a song. Or trying to. Trying to form something in my head.

I never fell in love

piece me together again

and take me 'round the glen

let us play pretend

we never fell in love

sunhill and merrycane flowers

spring time and daffodil tea

you can say; i can agree

we never fell in love

on long nights the cold is abound

Frigid the silence surrounds

But our hearts are filled with sound

'Cause we never fell in love

It's 3am long after dark

We wonder where each other are

"Better dead than a burdened heart"

We never fell in love

In short, A scares the shit out of me, with his use of police force. Which is very ironic, but that doesn't make it any less scary.

I'm reminded of when F gave me such anxieties, but all on his own.

I will have to wait out the days again. That'll help me feel better about it all.

I've been thinking about F more and more lately. They're not unhappy thoughts, strangely comforting. But the F in my thoughts aren't really him; sometimes it's still hard to believe he changed into the person he is. I'm okay with thinking about this unreal version of F, but I shouldn't get caught up in these thoughts.

It's 8 am on a Sunday, which is the perfect time to go to the grocery store and run errands to dodge church goers. I should go to Savers and drop off the clothes I want to donate, and pick up gym shorts.

Grocery store list:

• milk
• cereal
• sweet potatoes
• toilet paper
• coffee
• bread

Thinking about A gave me anxiety but I have to power through it and get errands done.

Deep breaths

The exercise has been doing me good. Perfect thing to do if I feel drowsy after a nap.

The gym shorts I got were overpriced as shit... I couldn't find any at the thrift store so I went to a sporting goods store. Fucking $85 for two pairs. They don't even completely cover my ass. My fault for grabbing a random pair and not checking the price. (I though the store wasn't tagging any of their inventory with a price because I saw other stuff that was missing tags.) Also idk why I bought Nike but I'll never do it again.

I'm going to have to doctor the shorts and wear some nylon underneath them so A. I don't feel like my ass is hanging out and B. so my thighs don't chafe.

There's a lot to do and not enough time in the day. I'm making myself sit down and relax. Just chill and do this web thing. There's pages to enter/update.

My life can be pretty good if I take the time to sit back and admire it.

Man I was going to do something else around these parts for sure. Like hell I remember though. A still fucking bothering me and whatever.

Feel strangely sad. Just kinda went another day without really talking to anyone. I wish the world didn't find me so terrible. I wish I had someone to be miserable with. I always have to be progressing. Nobody accepts less from me. And I can never show weakness. I'll be left behind. I can only find one person to stand by me in life. My parents won't even stand by me in life. I don't think the world is worth living in if I can only trust one person. There's no sane reason to keep living. Which is why I'm insane.

One day we're all going to be sad, forgotten statues of Fido, crumbling into the dirt. This is only bad if you think there's a point in being remembered.

I don't know what the hell a spirit or a soul is. What's wrong with me?

I feel that there's nothing significant about myself.

I don't know why we're alive.

Tf is so quiet. I wonder what happened to her. But I guess she likes talking to me because she keeps responding. I hope so anyways. That doesn't seem to be good enough of an indicator anymore.

"Maybe we talk to ourselves because we hope someone else is listening," N said.

I wonder how long it'll be until I have a conversation with someone who isn't T.

Clearly I'm terrible at cooking when I'm high. Burned my tea somehow, threw away the silverware, burned the bagels, my cream cheese was moldy...

What do I do tomorrow in this long, endless............... purgatory.

Ableton, exercise, car registration...

Work on making this place look prettier...

Buddhism...

Hope there's something out there listening.

I wonder how many people hate me.

I feel hated.

What do people do when they feel hated? Most people don't say shit like that. They just say, "I'm sad and suicidal and this guys sucks..."

I feel hated.

What do I want from A? From F? From my peers? From my Mother? Not to be hated.

But I also want to be free. You can't have both.

... This life is not going to give me a lot of company, and I just have to accept that.

Hurts reading other people's journals on this site and seeing how many friends they have.

Man maybe I should've opted for a template to throw this on. I actually learned I hate coding from this experience. I'm just an endless fountain of words and all I want to do is write and not design shit.

I don't have time to make this website look pretty. Dx

Oh well, I'm stuck with this...

Already exercised today and ate. I need to cook off the fish today. Then I think I'll sit down and study Ableton.

The exercising has given me more energy which is great, but I'm not seeing progress on weight loss. I hope with a bit more time I will start seeing results. I'll try to make the day I order takeout the same day as my cheat day for my diet.

If I never end up losing weight though it is what it is. As long as I gain the health benefits from exercising I don't really care.

T's sick so I'll have to do the food shopping tomorrow. I already made him some soup.

I'm starting to feel more like a machine. But I'm not unhappy.

Two days of exercise in a row has earned me time to relax from that. The legs need to heal anyways. I'm not in the business of pushing myself harder in order to impress people. I hope I can see the health benefits of my workouts soon. Mostly, I'm hoping regularly doing cardio will keep me from sinking into a malaise.

Maybe I'll lift dumbbells today though and work on my arms. I'm starting to feel a bit addicted to the endorphins which is a good thing.

Thinking about what I want to do today. I think I should do a bit of Ableton and maybe spend some time outside. I never ended up doing the values thing. I guess I'll give it a go now. After that I will cook and clean, probably cook. Finally cook off that fish.

Do I do too much? Maybe I should spend some time in my head. Or relax... but truth be told, I already feel relaxed. That's odd. All these things that I used to put off and feel afraid of doing, I turn to now for relaxation. At least on my better days.

I bought a course on Ableton and I've already learned a few days. I feel distracted though, I can't focus. Usually the weed gummy helps with that, so maybe I should take one now rather than later.

I keep daydreaming about writing a cringey diss track about A. That's another reason why I keep losing focus lol.

I went outside with Peeko and we sat under a tree near the apartment complex. I made another attempt to answer the question of what do I value, and I still don't have a very good answer. I realized I love and care for my brother, that is something I value, a very obvious thing I value. But there is more, there is something else that I value that I haven't been good at fulfilling or else I wouldn't be so bothered as a person.

I should think about what value I fulfill by seeking friends. That goal is an expression of a value that I have. I guess I think back to my early friendship with Emily so long ago, and I should think about what she did for me. Because I never quite found a friend like that again. I think I felt completed by her. We could bounce ideas back and forth between each other with ease. I always knew what to say around her. I could come up with stories and games to play and she'd be into it. I come up with jokes and people would laugh. I wasn't afraid of creating things.

I value acceptance. But that's something to be gotten from other people. Or it used to be gotten from other people. I don't want to rely on other people to validate me. I have to validate myself.

It is hard to think of in terms of the things I value without imagining other people. What value is expressed when you surround yourself with people who accept you? Why is that such a good thing to me? It's a good feeling. It gives me an outlet to talk about my ideas.

Did I group up afraid of expressing myself around my parents? Was Emily the first person I could express myself around, and I didn't meet her until I was 7? Was that why she felt so essential to my life back then? I don't remember having other friends. What was happening to me before I was 7? I couldn't express myself to my parents. I wanted my creations to be accepted. I wanted a place to talk.

Was it really that simple? I don't know how to feel accepted without another person telling me so.

So I value self-acceptance and self-love, genuinely. It's no longer an abstract idea people tell you to try to do. It'sthe feeling you get when you are surrounded by people who love you , except there's no one there. No one is there, but you're still able to feel that way regardless. I think that's what self-acceptance is.

Self-acceptance is letting my mind bounce from idea to idea and express itself uninhibited. It's loving my own ideas and creations. I began to value friends so much because Emily gave me that externally a long time ago. Now I have to learn to do it internally.

I say to myself, "I don't know what to do with my day today." But I know what to do with my day today, I just don't want to do it. I still hate exercising. I have to get over that though, for my health.

I worry about exercising and sitting out in the sun alone, because of perverts. I can never completely get rid of this anxiety. I'm reminded of this fear all the time, without trying, because it's so widely talked about online and in the media. Even when you want a break from feeling afraid, it's impossible to escape it completely, because the world loves reminding you of the existence of perverts.

I am reminded of F, and I cried.

Despite this fear, I refuse to let it bind my actions. I'd rather die of rape and murder than never fully living my life out of fear of other people. And I can't help but always hope that people carry the best intentions for each other, even though they often disappoint. Because I want to believe people can be kind-hearted, and I won't find kind-hearted people if I close myself off out of fear.

I will sit alone in the sun, but first I should start with breakfast.

I'm depressed but I still got a lot done today. I exercised and cleaned the bird cage. Which is better than getting a lot done when the mood is right. Because it's never always right, and there will always be days where you have to fight through it.

I miss A today. I'd like to think he still cares about me deep down, but I know he doesn't, which is sad. I feel miserable about it, and lonely. I don't know what to do about it. I try to reach out to Tf and P but they seem disinterested in talking to me. All I have is T. It feels like all we have is each other.

It's already 1pm. I got back into exercising today, which is good. There's a lot of stuff I need to do. I still need to clean the bird cage, and cook off the fish. I need to donate my clothes, and fix my car registration. I need to add more pages to this site. I need to make it look visually better as well.

Happened again. I fell asleep in the middle of the day because I exercised in the morning. Ugh. I should make sure I go to sleep early tonight.

...

I don't wanna do anything. I still feel tired after coffee. But I will cut broccoli and clean the bird cage. Maybe even cook off the broccoli today so I only have to bake the fish.

whew. last night I stayed up until 2, 3 am in the morning? and passed out on the couch. why? im doing what 10 year old me would think is fun during my time off, such as staying up all night. ah, but today ive learned to appreciate my usual, matured sensibilities on this matter, (keeping a sleep schedule) as I wrestle with the subsequent malaise. this is a sure sign of my waning youth.

do i exercise today? yes i suppose i must, as much as i enjoy writing as of late. What a chore.

...

well, i actually don't think I have any shorts that fit me anymore that are also comfortable enough to exercise in. So I guess I will be going through my clothes today and seperating what fits from what doesn't fit, and cleaning, generally. When I go down to the thrift shop to donate my clothes I'll pick up some new gym shorts.

Oh brother, I don't even care how pretentious it sounds. I'm incorporating the word florilegium into my language. Goodnight.

Crossposted from Transient Souls:

I feel like the black spot of hatred that's been in me for years left after that night. Though it took me a while to realize that, because of the shock I felt after what I had done.

I'm so used to it being there that I feel this itch to act like how I used to. But it's more out of habit, malignant behavioral patterns, than something genuine I feel.

I think I can let all of this go. If I just loosen my grip. If I stop scratching what has become an itch. (Is it purely OCD now?)

I learned something about my medication from my new psychiatrist. The mood stabilizer doesn't work like SSRIs, because it targets a completely different part of the brain. It doesn't stop working or drop off like they do. (Especially since this medication is also used to treat seizures. It has to work all the time.) I did feel better after upping my dosage, but I'm wondering if it's a placebo effect.

But this means January didn't happen because my medication was failing. It happened because of something terrible in me, that I hope is gone now.

I don't know what to do with the rest of my day today. I don't even know where today went. I think I lost a lot of it to Moby Dick again.

That book amuses me, even though that's the last word most people would use to describe that book. The whole thing is a sensible chuckle.

We have a new family member: Simon the sweet potato.

Would it help if I put time stamps in the rest of this website? Would it matter?

I will find the perfect dialect. The intersection between 19th century English, 90s rap, and buzzwords journalists make up.

cannot focus tonight there is too much pain inside my nose wtf.

So I keep thinking about A and how he doesn't know what Aspergers is, but uses Autism as the butt of jokes because internet, and feigns having Autistic problems for sympathy(???????). You know, it's fine if you don't know things about Autism. But you can't walk up to me, make fun of Autism, and then ask me the equivalent of "what color is the sky?" about Autism. Not if you don't want to send my soul into another dimension out of sheer bafflement.

But this got me thinking, that there's probably a ton of people out there who make fun of marginalized groups without knowing the first thing about them. Why do they fun of them, then? If a mediocre comedian doesn't know a single fact about the topic or group they're making fun of, how could they come up with the opinion that this is a topic to joke about?

Because they see other people do it. They see it works and it makes people laugh, and they want to be the funny guy so they copy what works. It's really, surprisingly, mindless.

I guess I always assumed there was a personal element to these type of jokes. Like X makes fun of Y people because Y people elicited a negative emotion out of X. Dick makes fun of Autistic people because they gross out Dick. But I think now in many cases it's just this: X makes fun of Y people because Z person did it and it made people laugh. X never has to meet Y people, read anything about Y people, learn anything about Y people, or have Y people affect them in any sort of way. It's all about trying to get the same response Z got from making the joke: likability. Amicability.

Words... Different words, smarter words, erudition. You know, I don't think my writing is so terrible because I'm bad at learning new words. I think it's because I want people to understand what I'm saying, so I simply opted for this speech. But it's not impressive. It makes me look like an idiot when I'm expected to say something flowery or educated. Well, as long as the message... (does the message get through?) as long as the message gets through, then we should use the fastest, most efficient method, of conveying the message.

Was gonna say more but nope, I was writing something stupid. Enough of this.

You know, one day, computers are going to become like books to people. An old means of communicating shit in a way that's not interesting. Tech faggots should be scared. HEHEhehe. Funny joke. Do I have to explain... no I'm not doing this. There's a fucking video somewhere, kid.

I should have a rule when I'm high. Only listen to music I've already purchased. so I don't spend millions on what I think is the greatest album of all time only to come to the next day and it's ehhh mediocre, okayish.

Ahh.. been over a month since P and I last really spoke.

Hmmm that's not good. Forgetting whether I sent anons or not.

Wtf am I doing not eating gummy bears?

Ah fuck jumped scared myself

Ah fuck how many gummy bears did I eat?

A's a fucking devil... I think he knows exactly what to say all the time... hm... this is a compliment... nah, but it can't be true.

Oh F, you genuinely don't know what to say.

There's a small man wheezing inside my laptop. That's just how it is.

Some people from college were unhinged. Like we had linkedin's PR team in my accounting class. Girl swore we'd die without a linkedin. I'd never slave so hard for brand... especially when they're not paying me.

I'm still sick... I'm grinding the arcade in Pokemon Reborn for money and items. All the brain cells I have to give.

Wish I had shorts.

I still don't feel well. Sucks. T thinks I might've gotten sick from all the exhaustion and burn out. I only played pokemon and wolvden today lol. I feel like I'm twelve. I'm impatient though, I want to get over this cold and do things other than playing video games.

I will start trying to not fuck with A's shit tomorrow, again.

yoooooooooo it's 420!!!!!!! funny number day lets goooooo

I have a cold. Had to cancel on Tf. Like sucks ass.

had a dream. got killed by Big Bird. caught me off guard on the left. classic. the ranged wizard getting pummeled by a brute melee character. shouldve seen it coming.

it's being an asshole, this illness. entire body doesnt want to move.

im starting to feel a bit better.

yeah ive fallen into the habit of annoying A again. idk there's just so much to annoy him about. and i can't take any of this seriously. i do not think he'll call the cops at this point, and even if he did, he has no grounds.

shit's less fun with anons off, so I'll wait until he turns them back on. like i dont wanna create a whole 'nother account dammit.

he's so mean to me fr u-u

idk what to tell my therapist. sigh. "im having fun annoying this dude"

i think i am anyways. tbh i think because ive been sick for the last few days it's been more tempting to annoy him. just for something to do. or a distraction. idk

i made the flashcards. im almost a sailor.

because i don't want to pay three thousand dollars im okay with saying im ocd, ptsd, and some level of bipolar maybe. but really what matters is the medication, isn't it. unfortunately im on a medication people dont seem to understand very well. or my symptoms just arent understood very well. its fine though because i finally found a good psychiatrist.

im happy this psychiatrist is young, I don't have to worry about her retiring soon.

i feel too apathetic and sickly to think about this, though my next therapy appointment is tuesday so I'll have to figure out something to say to her.

I got my license. Doesn't feel real.

I woke up but went back to sleep until noon today. Physical exhaustion?

I feel so good today after getting out in the sun and exercising a bit. :) The trampoline really wiped me out, surprisingly. I still feel the endorphins rushing in my body, and its been a couple of hours.

I'm procrastinating on cleaning because I just want to laze around.

I wouldn't be surprised if my entries here are more sparse during this time of leisure. I'm not at a desk working; I'm not spending hours in front of a computer.

I took a nap and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. God, it was awful. It's a lot worse than I thought. It's going to take me another day to clean it completely. I'm not sure when I'll get around to going through my clothes and seeing what fits me or not.

During my cleaning I let the birds out of the cage. I think Peeko is warming up to me. She ate seed out of my hand and sat on my leg. I'm afraid of petting her though, I'm afraid of breaking her trust.

I watched an episode of Star Trek with T tonight, and I was reminded of F. I still feel guilt, a lot of guilt. I feel like a coward, with the stories I tell myself about him, to make him worse than he seems. I don't know if those stories are true. What I know for sure is I am terrible, am I not? All the rage I've spewed vehemently for years. A caught in the crossfire. Everyone, T, co-workers, bosses, friends, for the past 10 years caught in the crossfire. I'm a monster. What do I do? ... Why does T stay? Can I really marry him? Wouldn't I just hurt him? How do I become better? Because I just feel like a worse and worse person as time goes on. I want so desperately to be forgiven, by F and A, whom I've hurt the most. But I don't think I'll ever hear the words.

The application for my CPA license was promoted to quality assurance for review.

Ah yes, the classic everything-is-going-to-explode-and-I-will-never-survive emotion. I see you.

I made it through yesterday the best I could and that's something to acknowledge and celebrate. I checked A's profile but I did not bother him. As long as I keep not bothering him I should recover from this.

I had a small goodbye lunch with people from my work. I'm sad about leaving. Kind of kicking myself for not getting my boss the bird feeder. Maybe it would've been alright, I think G coped with his sadness a few days ago.

I don't know, working with older people, I feel like I get along with them better than people my age. Maybe because they're too old to give a fuck anymore. Though, G's office is kind of the land of misfit toys. Everyone has something extremely wrong with them, lol. We were all huddling it out through life together... I'm going to miss that.

I finally had an appointment with a decent psychiatrist today. And she told me that I don't have to worry as much about the lamotrigine wearing off, because it works differently than the SSRIs I've taken in the past. Works with a whole other region of your brain, apparently. And it's also a seizure medication so it kind of has to work. She told me to go to the doctor for the sleep apnea thing that happened, because fixing sleep apnea can be life changing.

I called my primary care, and asked them if I should do a sleep study. They said they'd call me back. Apparently they also said sleep apnea is more common than doctors suspected years ago and it's not necessarily an old person problem. So that makes me feel better.

It feels abnormal to have so much time off without anything to do. I should make plans to maximize this time as much as possible.

List of shit to do:

• Get an exercise routine with the trampoline going. I'm incredibly self-conscious about using a trampoline outside, but since I'm on a 2nd floor apartment I have no choice. So I'll try to do it in the morning when people are asleep.
• Learn Ableton
• Learn Guitar
• Get better clothes
• Fucking enjoy life. Read, play video games, watch TV, whatever. Keep time open to do whatever you're feeling.

I'll break down the first 4 bullets into smaller tasks so I don't get overwhelmed. For tomorrow I'm thinking:

• Clean my room so I feel motivated to work on Ableton
• Trampoline
• See what clothes I have that fit me

I'm not looking forward to the chores but what can you do.

I still feel sad about A.

I'm going to have to start getting used to living alone(ish). Like that wasn't obvious since the beginning of time though. I'm always going to need people more than they need me.

Tf got back to me though so we can hang out either this weekend or the next. Dunno what we'd do though, yet. I'm a little nervous...

I'm feeling a bit better today though. I just got sad about the state of the world and people yesterday.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night shaking, and feeling weak. I think I might have sleep apnea. I really don't want to get a fucking CPAP machine.

Masonic Con x'DDDDDDDD

"How are you today?" Oh you know, just manually breathing. Wondering if I had a seizure last night. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my primary care, and maybe try and see if I can get a free check up with an Anthem nurse. I took some notes on it in case I have to wait several weeks for an appointment:

"I was sleeping the night before, having a long dream. It was a vivid one. I forget the events that lead up to it, but I was in a Buddhist temple trying to find an evil spirit. I eventually started wondering about a young girl who wasn’t acting like herself. Like she had the anger of an adult in her. I started questioning her, and the evil spirit lept out of her at me.

Then I woke with my arms and legs shaking in bed. I tried calling out to T but my voice was weak. This lasted about thirty seconds. Afterwards, I was gasping for air. My legs felt stiff but I was able to move them after a bit, like I had to wake them up. I had to manually breathe for about an hour before going back to bed. It didn’t feel like I had enough oxygen.

It’s 12 pm now and I’m at work, and I’m still manually breathing. I’m not sure if I’m just freaking out or if there’s something else going on."

Don't do it. You're just feeling shit now. You know it's not going to help if you do it. It'll get better as the days go by. The first is always the worst.

Tired of performing emotional labor for lonely old men. Pot calling the kettle black.

Leaving work early. Gonna go see if I can talk to someone about last night.

so i didn't do that, because i couldn't find my phone. but since i was able to nap, i think what im experiencing is anxiety. last night? probably sleep apnea. but my weird breathing today? anxiety.

its been a month and i think my meds are already wearing off. or im getting addicted to something. i feel like im still crumbling beneath myself. will T ever be safe, with me.

Making the mac n cheese today. I went to the store early this morning to be the church people. It's beautiful outside, I'm hearing a larger variety of birds than usual.

Tf hasn't messaged me back about hanging out so I guess I have to find something else to do next weekend.

You know how it is.

I forgot to mention yesterday, T and I saw this flock of about 100 goldfinches on our walk yesterday, about 5 to 10 ft from us. It was beautiful (and loud). They must all be migrating.

Feeling lonely. Thinking of A today. Once again, there's a joke I wish that I could tell him, but I can't.

It seems no one wants to talk to me.

The loneliest feeling in the world is having a joke, but no one to tell it to.

what the hell is post-American

depresssssssssssssssssssed

but look here, I made mac-n-cheese:

I should've went a bit easier on the italian cheeses. never use the full bag. and getting a full ham and using that meat after roasting is a must. also more half and half, probably 1:1 small heavy cream and half and half

i need to get an rss feed button going so i can notify my 6 followers when i update my non-personal pages. only do it once a day so it's not spammy

i hope im not too spammy with my updates idk...

despite my mac n cheese accomplishments im still sad. T loved it tho, it was for his birthday. :3

i think im starting to get used to the new dosage and build up a tolerance, so my depression is coming back. yeah, it's impossible to be happy forever, isn't it. i should ask my psychiatrist for something that can knock me out in case i decide to go on a field trip again.

should i drug myself out more if it means i'll hurt people less? people like me better high anyways

"You should go to the police." I said I do not want to go to the police for my brother's masturbation problem. Please reread what I said. Fuck.

Am I seriously going to have to be the one to teach him how to use a fleshlight?

This is going to be a fun adventure for when my parents move up here.

Therapist: "This shouldn't be your job." Well SOMEONE has to do it. I will throw myself off a cliff if my brother gets arrested because my parents don't want to talk to him about masturbation.

I went on a walk with T with the birds. We let them out in the mesh tube at a quiet spot in the woods so they can wander around. It was cute seeing them look up at the sky. :) And Brewster was brave enough to leave the backpack and explore the mesh tube. He's a highly anxious bird, always ready to fight something. Later on people walked up to us to look at the birds and he got spooked and crabby. Which is bad because he starts harrassing Peeko when he gets riled up. We need to get a seperate backpack for each of them probably. He just picks on Peeko too much when they're both in the same one.

Did some stretching when I got home. I should really do it more because my body feels fucking great after that. I think I'm going to chill the next few hours and read Moby Dick, take a gummy while I'm at it. I'm feeling lazy.

it's time

Sperm Whale Appreciation Post

Sperm Whales are epic:

• Largest intestinal system in the world
• Third deepest diver in the world
• Main diet is the giant squid
• Largest toothed animal in the world
• Largest predator in the world
• Has no natural predators
• Largest brain to ever exist

I understand Melville's fascination now. Also because one almost killed him probably, but that's besides the point.

im a fucking roach. ima motherfucking roach. disgusting. unkillable.

nono no noNONONONONO bitch you can't noooooooo!

he's gonna arrest u at the popo!

YOU CAN'T

but it would be so funny tho

why is he like this. whai. dude whai i wanna fuck with u so bad :( why have you call the police? i need someone to play pranks on. i thought u were too suicidal to care. this is such a sad time. yanno, since im like half way there? i go play pranks on people for funsies. yanno? maybe my life will be ruined, maybe not.it's like suicide-lite. you do a little harm to urself over time, life as a result is just a bit more painful, and then eventually you're in so much pain it's easier to convince yourself to just put the bullet in. it's like smoking. or alcoholism. you just do the same thing as i do in food form. most people opt for food form.

giiiiiiiiirl u can't girl noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

i want another gummy.

what tell is he talking about, ever.

he gonna be turning to me on the street, like, "chat,"

ur so fucking weeeeirffd ToT

white male jiujitsu

im so bored again

why do i keep going?

i could disappear into drgus

and experience beauty and pain

as colors and light, a throbbing aching...

i need to stop kissing death

but she feels so amazing

life is so boring

Head hurts because I didn't eat this morning. I didn't eat this morning because I want to be thinner. But I think it's impossible for me to be as thin as I wish I was. I rely too much on my head to function to starve myself, because of my job. So I don't know why I skipped eating other than... insecurity. Besides, I plan on spending these two months off to get a solid fitness routine going, which I think matters more than my diet.

Work is going shit though because I'm not eating enough. Can't concentrate.

Agh, why do I want to be thin... fuck. I used to be mentally beyond this problem. The mental preoccupation with this problem is not bad though, for now. I just need to remember I'm worrying about fitness mainly for health.

Yeah I wish I could fit into all the clothes I bought. I think that's my main reason for worrying about thinness. But all the medication I'm on made me gain 25 lbs.

I think I should just learn tailoring and figure out ways to adjust the size of my clothes on my own.

This K-1 is shit. Giving it a 2 out of 10. The fuck is a dividend equivalent...

Yanno if it's equivalent to a dividend, it's a dividend in my book.

Funny how my boss casually ignores K-1s from other states. Totally not the way you're supposed to do it, but what do I care.

ive acquired a single potato for sustenance. head hurts slightly less now... i guess i have to learn how to cook more things so im not just eating sandwiches all the time. or else i just start starving myself because i dont want to keep eating sandwiches.

I'm thinking of tilapia and a vegetable, plus a banana to help feel full. The vegetable will hopefully be broccoli once i figure out how to steam broccoli on my own.

i really need to get a rice cooker

oh good grief who the fuck are all these people. stop making me do more work. >:(

I'm home; ate a bunch of food and I feel better now. :)

I'm waiting semi-anxiously for my approval for a cpa license to come in still. I'm probably misremembering, but I thought it only took 2 days for them to get around to looking at my application.

Well, at work waiting for this job to be over. Monday's my last day, though G decided to throw a lunch for me Tuesday, so I guess Tuesdayish is my last day. I can't wait to sit at home and do fucking nothing. It's gonna be so awesome. HAHA!

I need to think of shit to do during my 2 months off.

REMINDER: Buy Athleta pants

Ohhhhhhhhh these people lost sixty grand in a bitcoin scam. Fucking sixty grand... can you even imagine...

holy fuck boi what are you doinggggggggggggggggggggggg. you're so insane. you make 100k a year and threw a great chunk of it into bitcoin and you're doordashing. why the fuck do you need to doordash when you get paid 100k a year. what the fuck kind of debt have you gotten yourself into

i hope it's debt for a good reason, like medical debt, and not for stupid trinkets.

the police and fbi aren't helping them get their money back. which means we should all start running bitcoin scams because you can get away with it apparently.

ok, i have since learned that he is disabled at 50 years old so now i feel like a jackass. it's probably medical debt

G told me to put the 60k as a loss on the Sch D, which doesn't sound right to me, but I'm not the one signing the return.

meh i want another gummy but im trying to pace it.

REMINDER: Buy a candle

that dragon on my homepage is gonna die. it's so sad :c. we all alone out here gang.

big news: Brewster will walk over to me now, instead of the other way around. c:

he coos in my direction

did a lot of updates. I added a new page to this site too! c:

I feel gross, I need to shower. I was too busy drawing my fursona for that though. xD

Don't want to worrrrrrrrrrk. :p

Glad P's alive. I haven't heard from him in several weeks. Burnout, and his new not-yet boyfriend. As I expected.

One of the kindest things I've done for myself was to start blaming the unavailability of people on capitalism completely. There's just no point in blaming myself anymore if everyone's too busy for everyone else. Like it happens so often it's just silly now.

So boreddddddddddddd someone stab me.............................................

I have to make copies of about 50 or so pages for this lady's return. God damn it. An 87 year old lady shouldn't have a return this busy, I forbid it.

im actually sad that im leaving this job. or maybe im sad for G because he seems depressed about it. though i don't think i should feel sad for him, our relationship was strictly professional. he and i would not get along outside of work for five billion reasons.

im sad about leaving N and B behind. though they both offered to hang out with me outside of work, so it's not really a goodbye. it's up to me to follow up. and then we'll see if they follow up.

i hope i find a best friend or something at my next job. fat chance tho, right?

A is being annoying in my head because im down about this. ah... you're a knife in my arm.

five days

it's because i checked today, isnt' it?

how do i sit with sadness? it's like the feeling of an itchy tag all over the inside of my body.

what, were you expecting a description more potent?

i think i'd rather be nullified by depression than suffering from its delusions.

leg is being a fucking asshole

finger is being a fucking bitch

aw no i feel like messaging him

...clawing at my skin from the inside. and im supposed to sit? how do people sit like this? how do they deal with sadness?

"this is what meditation is for"

bah bah abhbah bah

there's no way he'd kill himself. guy doesnt even seem parasuicidal, ok wait no i take that back. he's about as bad as me iwth it, but we express it differently. he attacks his health, i attack the law. if im parasuicidal he is too, but if he is not i am not.

MY BODY

MY BODY

MY BODY

MY BODY

alien.

am i contributing

is there value to these words, and to my sight?

is there a light in the words of a human's plight?

we see these in each other but are we arrogant?

beings flattered by our own cognizance?

that terrifying paper i wrote; was it ever read?

would it have mattered if there were things left unsaid?

who you loved most, it couldn't have been clearer

take a look at yourself in the mirror

bellowing your woes, both day and night

don't you think that's kind of trite?

"you there monster, heed my dominance"

bitch too mad to call disarmanent

My face is sunburned from yesterday, but oddly it feels good. I think I should sit in the sun more often.

Yeah my mood is pretty good today, did the sun help it that much?

I hope I can feel good for a while

D started crying today, "I felt so good yesterday, but terrible today. Can't I just feel happy? I just want to feel good."

I didn't know what to say.

Thinking of getting my boss a bird feeder as a goodbye present. I think it would make him happy since he's getting too old for gardening, or at least it will make one of his daughters happy.

...

Oh god. He's gonna be actually sad if I quit. He doesn't want me to quit. I have to move on G! Bruh, you saw this coming! Sorry. I want to make more money and work from home. I want to talk to people my age. I want money so I can stop my bank account from hemorrhaging. I want more interesting work. I know there's nothing you can do about that, so I really don't have a choice.

He's a lonely guy. But I'm just an employee and that's all I wanted to be.

There's definitely a type of guy that can't make friends outside of work, and so they make their entire lives about work. It's why they insist on working in offices.

God I hope all of this doesn't get too weird. It really shouldn't. I'm writing a letter of resignation tommorrow so it's official; I totally forgot about doing that because we've been chill with each other for so long.

And I guess I'm not getting the bird feeder, or else things will get too sad.

Good news though... I finally got around to updating my license application. So hopefully that can start getting processed now.

We left at 6am for Lancaster, NH. I predicted that the place would be a small town that gets swarmed, and I was right. We got a good spot because we left so early. By “good spot” I mean we get to people watch tourists taking pictures by this bridge and blocking traffic for the locals. Now we're napping, T put gave me his jacket and kissed me on the forehead. I’m hot under it, but I thought it was cute of him so I haven't moved it.

Well we tried to sleep but the car is too uncomfortable. Now we're just watching out of staters try to park.

We walked downtown. The place was full of people, and honestly, it was heartwarming seeing all those people in a small town. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. (T said he saw a guy predicting the rapture. I assume he was having a good time too.) We went into a few shops, but our big purchase was a handcrafted platter good for dipping finger foods, and two ramen bowls. They were made by a local artist. There was a special needs girl we donated money to as well. She gave us a fortune. “All of your dreams will come true.” c:

After shopping around we had a picnic by the river. Just a simple lunch of ham and cheese sandwiches, and some treats. The sun was frying my skin though, so we headed back to the car and napped until the eclipse started.

The light dimmed for a full hour as the moon passed over the sun. The temperature dropped with the light. Everything at first looked as if you were wearing sunglasses. Then it seemed like there were shadows swirling on the ground… I think it was something about the light. The sky kept getting darker. Eventually we could see a few nearby planets.

The eclipse itself was redder than I remember. Lasted only a minute, but it was beautiful.

I think T and I are going to marry each other soon. It feels as if I’ve worked through whatever has been ailing me for years. I think I can finally let go of the pain of my past and grow old with him.

I’m still scared, especially since I still don't completely forgive myself for what happened earlier this year. But he insists that I should let it go.

I want to marry him because he’s forgiven me. He’s stuck by me when he really shouldn't have. So many others have given up on me. I don't deserve his forgiveness, but I’ll try to accept it. I know beating myself up over it will only hurt him too. He has told me this many times. I’ll move on for his sake, and we’ll marry…

I don't care about the ceremony. We’re just gonna go sign the paperwork with the town clerk, and figure out the ceremony part for our families later. I’ve been putting this off for too long, and I don't care if this looks odd to people. I just want it fucking done.

Feeling hungry but I don't wanna get up and make food.

We need to go to the store anyways.

We're going to see the eclipse tomorrow. Which... there's a lot tied to that. We were still in high school, but F and I planned to see the 2017 one together. I used to daydream about that day all the time. We'd go to Tennesee, to the Smokies, my favorite place. (Back then anyways) We'd take the ski lift up to the top of the mountain and watch it from there. And we'd kiss.

Did I daydream about proposing to him on that day? I think I did. How different I was... I used to daydream of marriage. Now I fear it.

Yeah, it didn't happen. Ended up going to Wyoming with my Dad. It wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't want to never see a solar eclipse because of bitterness I felt about F.

I don't understand why people tell me such sweet things only to not follow through with them. Why people can't mean what they say.

I wonder if he even remembered those plans with me when the day came.

...All of this makes me unexpectedly sad. I haven't thought about it in a long time. I don't think he ever understood how much I loved and cherished him. How much he meant to me. How wonderful I thought he was. He was all I had back then. He was my only comfort. I would've given him the world if he asked me to. I don't think I'll love someone the way I loved him ever again.

It's 2024, and T and I are going to see the eclipse together. And we'll take route 3 north, and find a place to park. We'll hope to find a restaurant, but I have a sinking feeling we're going to have to bring our propane grill and tailgate it. We'll bring Brewster and Peeko. Cross our fingers that there's no clouds. The temperature will be beautiful tomorrow.

I'm happy someone is trying. I'm happy T loves me enough to try. Even if we don't see it, I'm happy I finally got to go with someone I love to make the journey.

I worked on updating these pages this week:

• Concoctions, Elixirs, and Gruel
• The home page

We finally figured out flexbox on the homepage

i would like to thank my mom and dad for their support in these trying times

(It actually wasn't hard I was just dumb and kept trying to use a different way of doing things instead of using the far superior flexbox method.)

feeling blah

So, this is what ChatGPT says I value:

Next time, before I do this, I will come up with a list of things I think I value and then run ChatGPT, and compare.

I think ChatGPT is good at describing me as I am, but not what I want to value or want to be. Or maybe I just focus on what I don't have more than the qualities I do have and value.

Though I'm not saying I'm perfect at living up to these values.

Alright, I'm going to rate how well I live up to these traits on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being I'm doing an awesome job:

Yep. don't wanna work again.

I made a sandwich for work today but I left it at home. Also no amount of coffee can wake me up.

The coin flip thing isn't working. I keep getting tails. I'm not checking his damn profile tomorrow idc. I'll just stop checking it until I decide to again. I'm done with the melodrama and psychic damage I keep giving myself.

Man's a jackass. I think he just wanted to hear himself talk to a girl and he didn't really care about me. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone cold so quick. And he's an idiot... he misinterpreted me needing space as rejection, and then got mad at me for it.

I'll admit I was a jackass but he won't.

Showing up to his house in January... it was wrong. But if you lived a life in my mind you'd know I had every reason to do it. I doubt 99% of the earth would understand my reasoning behind it, but it's okay. I'll just bear the fault.

Thank god my meds are back. It's helping me not get crazy about A.

So. As you can tell, the home page has the image and the box on the same row, but how do I actually make it look not jank? Mysterious...

Maybe I should just buy a lunch but I don't want to spend the money and it's cold outside. :(

This client is so insane idk. He sends us cartoons.

Yanno it's something I would do, so I shouldn't talk.

I sent Triple AAA a winning lottery ticket for 1$ recently to their accounting department. They asked me to update my debit card, and I just had those lottery tickets on hand, so.

Sometimes I draw people pictures, like when I had to mail my co-worker something. c:

I love it when I get asked to mail a letter because then I get to do stupid bullshit like this lol.

Mmm... something's wrong with Texas. I haven't seen a single gambling form on these client's tax returns since I've started working here, but there were rich people driving out to LA just to gamble all the time in Texas. And there's legal casinoes in NH.

The casinoes are just sitting there menacingly, but you won't catch a rich client from NH dead in them.

A million dollars in an IRA, and that's just one IRA. And a pension. You're 85. What's the point of socking away all that money if you're not gonna spend it?

oh and who knows the value of their checking account if they're getting paid a grand in interest from it every year. it's gotta be staggering.

...

at least they don't gamble it away i guess

wow he only gave me a part of the consolidated 1099. jackass

bitch i already know ur rich u cant really get any more insufferable

yo

id love some fishing boat proceeds. that's the dream

listen bud if you don't tell me short term or long term im just gonna be an asshole and pick short term

fucking [l o n e l y] where's someone to talk about stupid sjhit with that doesn't hate my vibe?

fuck i hate drinkging. i do. i dont know why people like getting drunk it's just stupid. i feel like im being flattened. like a plate.

makes ur brain move slower and mines already too damn slow. i love my uppers.

all these mfs hate my vibe

ah, it's so depressing

did i do everything wrong? you can never really know....

that guy lied about every word he said and you knew it too. you knew he was bad news the moment you met him but you hoped it would be different. you hoped you could be friends and not get hurt but you got hurt. hell, it happened so fast. so pathetically fast. you're so sad now, about soomething you saw coming from a mile away. you know why you're sad? because you didnt want to lookk at it until it hit you in the face. you always say this to other people, don't you? look at what's in front of you. don't fear it.

but everyone fears it, sometimes. everyone fears this life and wants something a bit better. everyone gets the chance to break because of that want

can't help but miss you because im a fool. i think oi always will. good bye

oh yupppppp today's the day. im fixing the homepage. (excited!) (really though I am!)

yeah it's not happening so far lol

I've been thinking a lot about T today. I feel like a jackass. My thoughts are finally coming together on things and I feel like shit about how I've treated him. I have to start being a better person.

It feels like a giant chasm opened up where a bunch of anger used to be, since January happened. Anything can come out of that chasm now, and if I work hard maybe it will be something beautiful and worth living for.

T might never be the same though. I get the feeling there's only so much he's going to let me in on now. I feel I failed his expectations a lot. But I feel like I'm able to love again and I want to love him.

Though I don't feel like I deserve a relationship. It's what he wants though, and part of me wants it too.

I got him a dog tag with a kingfisher on it for his birthday, and Fallujah lyrics. "Rediscover the heart you've buried under." I feel like that's been a struggle for me for our entire relationship and what he's been telling me all this time. I really don't think I was emotionally ready to date anybody when we met, because I was too scarred from F. But I couldn't find a reason that was about T to not date him, so I dated him. For his sake, because I didn't see any flaws in him at the time.

I guess there were flaws though, and I think I knew about them. I just hid them from my vision, because I thought my hang ups were nonsensical.

That's all in the distant past though, and I'm able to let that go now. I feel light and opened up. Vulnerable too though. Weak. I hope he and I can grow into something better from here on out. He's a different person now than when I met him. I want to see him clearly instead of getting lost in my head, and I think I can now.

...

I feel bad about A. I don't think there's anything I can do though, and I have to focus on T. I hope something like that doesn't happen again, and if it does, I have to break up with T and just not be with anyone.

I wonder how much of that was my medication wearing off. I wonder why I'm so dependent on it now.

Have you noticed? That I'm actually writing with substance now? That I'm not just writing about physical sensations anymore. Or at least I don't think I am.

God, I'm sorry A.

I'm sorry everyone

I need to talk to the psychiatrist about how hard I fall off when the medication starts to wear off. I think I'm on the wrong thing.

4/16/24, don't forget

I still need to file my taxes. I hate life.

What I also need to do is get an official diagnosis for whatever is going on in my head. However I'm afraid I won't be allowed to buy guns anymore if I do that, but I think it wouldn't come up in a background check, maybe?

I want to be able to kill myself if it comes to it. I want to get a gun now while I still have some sanity bucks left.

• When there are 2 or more conflicting rules of the same weight, the CSS will use the last rule for the webpage.
• CSS also prioritizes rules based on the code. ID (#LLL) take the highest priortiy, while simple html (>p<) takes the lowest.
• display:inline displays a list of stuff in a line horizontally
• display:box displays stuff vertically in a box (idk how this is any different from what I'm doing now)
• display:none removes display elements
• pseudo elements: can let CSS target the first letter or line in a paragraph

• static: what it's doing right now, displays stuff in the order of the code
• relative:left,right,top,bottom: can offset a box to the top left right or bottom
• absolute: places things anywhere on the page with top, left, right, and bottom
• fixed: it's those little buttons that follow you around when you scroll and stay in the same place on your screen, it's for that.

my brain is tired. no home page editing today, we'll get em next time

i need a new desktop wallpaper

Yeah my boss has been acting weird the past month or so. I can't tell if it's tax season or if he hit his head on something lol. He's just not completely there.

Well, it works out great for me because I'm not completely here either.

Fucking miss him.

clocoa kiss or something

where is he? the fox. what does he do now?

no one knows no one knows no one knows

wish i could phase through walls like he can

many vessels vessel merrily

heart bleeds into their ear. yes. i guess that's what i inflict on them

mmmm.... wouldn't mind something deep.... im tightening. can't describte the thirst. it's pleading. are they scared of women?why talk so much about something you're scared of? why do i always choose idiots?

god i need help someone helop

he's infuriating

everything he's gonna say from here on out is gonna be annoying. his dopey ass wah wah i need a woman and a wife. well how about you stop calling the cops on them ya fucking idiot

he wants to screen shot more of your messages, girl. you have to be strong. he's trying to bait you real hard.

you know what's cute?

he has a folder dedicated to me on his pc. :3

a man has built me a shrine...

the more this guy freaks out, the more confusing fox is. that's also infuriating

ugh i have to get my bird back in the cage

fox did you love me?

i could impress all my friends with my newfound pigeon catching skills

if i had friends

if people still liked me

man, she did not respond. i really dont have friends

...

i'll be okay, just because i have to be

aw geez the porn subreddits are filling up the recent history god damn it.

"stop looking them up"

who do you take me for?

Less than 2 weeks at this job thank christ. I really cannot focus on anything right now. Feels like I need to take a year off from work but I can't.

Need to start walking again too. Fucking hell.

Feeling lonely today. P and Tf stopped reaching out to me. Maybe I should reach out to them but I'm so tired of always doing it. P is probably talking to his crush, understandable. Idk Tf. I don't know why people don't like talking to me.

I need to focus on work. My boss wants this return done.

But before I do that, I need to go back to the dice thingy. I need to gradually stop myself from checking his page, since I think that's partly why I'm down right now. Probably going to do a 50/50 chance of whether I check his page that day to start. I also need to figure out something to tell myself about what happened between him and I. Both of those things combined are what helped me move on from F.

Realizing that "moving on" doesn't necessarily mean never interacting with F again. I probably will at some point. I just accepted that he's going to ignore me.

Giving a story to tell myself about A will be hard. Accepting the story will be harder. It took me a year to accept what happened with F.

Horny...

I said it before as a joke, but I think I'm actually going to make that porn time capsule. Make a bunch of slutty videos over the course of my life and save them on a SSD. Release it on the internet when I'm 80. Almost in the ground anyways by that point so what does it matter?

Might make money off them too, who knows. Probably a more reliable investment than a 401(k), lol.

God damn I don't want to be at work.

Yep I already have ideas for porn so weird I can't find anyone else with the idea on pornhub. I mean yeah maybe it's somewhere on the internet but you guys can find it if you want.

I wrote something substantial two days ago other than my usual drivel, but I was too high to put it here:

My parents never appreciated how well I did in school. Or the effort it took. If my parents praised my accomplishments, it felt like an act. I wonder why I learned this so early in my life.

If I accomplished something, they weren't happy because I found something I’m passionate about or good at. They weren't happy because they thought what I was doing on stage was interesting. They're happy because their child is on a stage, in front of many people, looking beautiful. I hope you get what I mean. It was never about the subject on the stage, but the people in the audience watching.

Praise only came after I stepped foot off the stage. But all effort before that performance , the months of practice and study, went disregarded. They never actively dissuaded me from school or music and the other things I enjoyed, but their indifference towards my interests and how I felt about them was its own constant insult.

Did I enjoy what I did on stage? I didn't even know if I liked playing flute, but I played it a lot because it was something Mom wanted. It wasn't until I was 14 that I actually connected to music emotionally, saw the emotion music can carry, and realized that's why people show up to stages to watch music. Or that people start dancing because they feel something.

Maybe that's why I often felt like I didn't have a self. The praise for my interests and effort came so infrequently, it might as well not come at all. If my parents can’t see my effort, and I am what I put my effort into, did they ever see me?

Finally getting kinkier with T.

I think it took me a while to trust him with that again, because at the beginning of our relationship and for most of it he only wanted vanilla stuff. And I had to hide my kinks from him. Which is part of why I started looking for an outlet for that, even if that meant another person.

I guess sex means a lot to me. It felt silly to feel that way about it, wrong to feel that way about it, which is why I put up with T's insistence for vanilla sex for so long. I felt like it shouldn't be the cause of our relationship ending. But it almost did in January, because I had to bottle up so much for years.

I think sex felt like a mere physical enjoyment for me for so long because I never felt fully accepted during it. I had to do what men wanted.

But now that T accepts my kinks more, I feel more loved.

...

He was insecure about it too, he didn't want to do that stuff because he felt it was wrong, even though he secretly wanted to. I understand that. It's just a shame that this went on for years, and it had to come to what happened in January to solve it.

We're getting closer to figuring out flexbox guys. Today I learned div? Maybe? I don't know. Agh. I need to make images responsive now. o-o

She always knew, and she was always there, waiting in the back. You felt her prescence. You said you admired my resolve, but you also feared it. You compared me to the strong character of your mother. Intimidation is a common reaction. People (men?) tend to not see my power as a boon to their lives but as a threat. I don't mean to intimidate, I'm strong so I can solve problems and help others as well as myself.

I was happy when I was with you. Things felt fun, I laughed, there was an air of newness and excitement. Suspense. The world was dark around us and our future, so we could fill it with what we want using our imagination. That's what made our time together great.

But I can't turn my back to her. Not again. With F, I learned what happens when I don't listen to my conviction. And even more than that, who would I be without her? The faith she has in her own judgments was a shield for me as a child. She shrugged off the gawking and jeering of my peers with a dismissal about their superficiality and childishness. She remained fixed on what mattered, what would benefit her the most in the long run, no matter how much the world tried to shove her in a different direction.

She's been with me the longest.

But yes, she is a brute.

Yes, I get sick of her. She is not sexy or suggestive. There is nothing soft or sweet. She has a piercing gaze that cuts; that not much can escape from. I grow tired of living under the same sun and the same emotional landscape she worked hard to create for me. Sometimes I want to be left in the dark, and let my mind dance and wonder at the vastness of the night that comes when I meet people like you. So we can witness the soft shadows of potential and mystery together, and dream.

Sometimes I get furious at her, and I want to hide her so these nights can live on. But as I've said before, I can't turn my back to her. She's a part of me. Which is why it was inevitable that she would come into our night with a flashlight in her hand, to investigate, inquire, and judge. To break the darkness forever.

I think I have lesions

3/29/24

I'm aware that I lost myself, back in my early twenties. I used to have values and beliefs. I haven't had those in a long time. They didn't seem to matter. Other people don't care. I spent a long time thinking someone would care. I would restrain my behavior to these values and morals, hoping someone would care about the effort I put into that. Yeah, people don't care.

If I act on something now, I haven't thought about it thoroughly. My beliefs are my whims at the moment. I don't take the time to think. It doesn't matter if I think. It doesn't matter if I carefully hold a situation in my hands, and observe its crests and troughs, the shifting surface, its nuances. I won't be awarded for it. It's a waste of time and energy.

There is also the issue that many people think too much. They think so much and do so little, and leave me to my own devices. I usually have to solve the problem in front of them while they solve the delusions in their head.

Delusions

I try to keep the amount of delusions I carry small. If someone asks me to fear something I question it, because fear will constrict your life, and almost everyone is bound by it in some way. I think people are too bound by it. There's much you can do with little consequence once you realize how constricted everyone else is.

I went to Maryland to test this out. Did something so out of the ordinary to test this out, wondering how much my life would change or if something bad would happen. And my life on the exterior hasn't changed much. I'm still with T, still have my job, still live in the same place, A wasn't friendly with me and still is not friendly with me. He says threats that don't manifest, that's the only difference.

Internally, I feel split in two. Part of me is screaming at me for what I've done. The other part is amused.

I space out a lot and become untethered to the world around me, and I wonder if that's why I can't feel whether people care about me or not.

Man I can't believe I actually have to do things. I want a fucking coffee. I regret going on the pill, can't wait to go off of it tomorrow. Jeeeesus. Definitely shouldn't have done that especially with all this shit going on.

I'm halfway to thirty days. Halfway. Almost in the clear.

You know I wish I could be praised for reading a fucking book. Or even feel a sliver of achievement.

"For once can sympathize with my own actions..."

Is that why I do this to myself?

I think I'm about as sexy as a white fluorescent light at an office on a Monday morning.

I should read romance novels at work when I'm depressed more often. Puts me in a better mood. I'm always reaching for cerebral shit to read when depressed, since it's what I usually read. I need to lighten up.

Hey, work is getting done. Slowly.

wow ok this book is so dramatic lmao why is she like this ToT

"People are scared of teenagers having sex but we might think sometimes about the misery of having a teenage body, a teenage girl’s body especially, how tedious and painful and punitive, and remember that sex might be the first time she realises that bodies can be made to feel good. That the million sensitive places which cause you to feel pain can also be sensitive to pleasure. That when you want to cry it will not always be from sadness.

like did u want her to discover sexual pleasure sooner than her teenage years? what's going on here

damn i was not that emo as a teenager and also we totally screwed up the first time having sex it was a clumsy and awkward endeavor. there were no philosophical thoughts about the teenage body or any other deep insights for sure

listen when i have sex i want that part of me to shut the fuck up. i do NOT want to be having an internal dialogue; i hear myself enough. too much even. why do you think all of this is here?

because she's so exemplararily annoying.

wish all i had to worry about was staying thin as a teenager.

yeah i guess im a bit insecure about my weight as i age. i wasn't at all as a teenager, but now i am. maybe because life is easier, it's easier for those insecurities to rise to the surface of my awareness now. less going on, more confident, im willing to dig a bit deeper into myself and find insecurities like that.

but i know it's stupid to be insecure. our bodies are so temporary, and vulnerable to change, just like life. it's hard to take seriously.

im kinda mad. why can't they write about a woman who doesn't let stupid, childish problems like this take up her time?

the most popular fictional books written about women, by women, always potray the women as victims of men and society. they don't write about the ones that overcome.

maybe because we're a species obsessed with tragedy

maybe it's kind of childish, in fact i know it is. but god damn it, it would be nice to be represented in a book someday.

3/28/24

What else am I supposed to do at work when there's nothing to do?

Fucking god...

Why am I so horny?

i dunno. how do you chill with a computer? how do u sit on a porch with a computer and chill with it in silence.

how do i sit on a porch with a person and actually feel connected

i really have to do this for another 50 years...

3/27/24

Another boring day.

Yes I'm aware that what I said yesterday about sentience is arrogant. I think you have to be a little bit arrogant to survive though, so people don't walk all over you.

I went on the pill today and I already feel like shit. At least I don't intend on taking it for long.

Is it safe to rapidly go on and off the pill? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't really care. Not even sure why I did this but oh well.

Makes work hard though. I can see why I flunked algebra while I was on this stuff in college now.

why do i have to work?

THIS IS THE SLOWEST FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE FUCK

why didn't i think of building more of this site today. oh well, there's tomorrow.

once i figure out how to get a sidebar going it's over for everyone.

3/26/24

Life is pretty fun right now other than going to work. But that's always going to be a problem, can't do anything about that. Unfortunately we all have to work.

But I can't neglect walking, it's the only exercise I get lol. I could probably add in the gym's bicycle thing, since my legs are getting stronger.

Falling asleep at work again. Whatever.

Need some gifts for T's birthday, but he never asks for anything. I won't get him a lot this year because of money. But some ideas:

changed my url and now all my pictures borked. sorry erryone. maybe i'll reupload them again properly if i feel like it lol.

hmm means all my links broke too. shit. well there's only about 7 of them

I wonder what the purpose of the NJ Piscataway bot is. I don't think I'll ever know.

please let me go home. i wanna sleep

im lonely again

people don't reach out to me

yeah i should make sure i sleep well or i get depressed. :(

sometimes i like imagining the world as uninhabited. there are people who are alive and move but something happened to them that doesn't make them completely sentient. and me and a select few are the last ones left unaffected, kind of like in the souls series. but we're far apart from one another, and we wander. i blame myself a lot less for my isolation when i think like this. and considering the hidden traumas people are burdened and hurt by, i think im right, in a way.

3/25/24

Well. I had a fantastic weekend of doing nothing and relaxing. I actually feel rested...

I've been playing a lot of Pokemon Reborn. I'm going to make a page for it soon; I've already written a bit about my playthrough. I'm just lazy with uploading it here. (Because I'm also procrastinating on figuring out flexbox. (Tf is a container?) I probably need a video example.)

I have to get a new bird toy. There's one hanging in there I got with A, and it's just sad to look at now.

I keep forgetting to go back to that book I was reading and trying techniques to connect with my "higher self" whatever that is.

God my boss is the GROUCHIEST fucking boy today

Thinking about it, the world has turned my parents into mean people, in their own ways.

N keeps pissing everyone off in the office, which just makes my life harder, because it means I have to avoid the angry people. Sigh.

I did not sleep well last night. Too much energy, didn't want to go to bed. I'm crashing at the last 30 minutes of work, which is not bad.

Do I really want to do my walk today? I have to, wehh... vidya game addiction going hard.

ladies and gents, proud to announce almost 1100 bots visited my page

3/24/24

My mind has been feeling a lot better with the new medication. I... often wonder if I'm running from myself by taking psych meds. But I don't think I really have a choice other than to accept medication as a permanent part of my life.

I'm not really sure if this is how I'm supposed to be living my life, but there's a lot of people riding on my back. It is my natural inclination to help people, and I think I put that over figuring out what my true "self" is. If there even is one. I don't think there is a fixed one.

There's so much World outside of me. As I age, I've found I can only stare at myself for so long before becoming bored. Though it's important to introspect sometimes, of course. You can't make it your life though.

I guess I'm happy to have a medication that helps me experience the world instead of getting absorbed into myself.

A wasn't a good person. He loves it when people listen to his problems and give him comfort, but when others need comforting he doesn't return the favor. Maybe he doesn't understand that sometimes people just need someone to listen to them, and that's not the same thing as personally walking into their life and fixing all their problems. Maybe he was quick to ditch my ass because I'm a woman, but I've seen posts of him complaining about other people venting to him too much. So it might just be a core part of him.

What can I say about the drive to Maryland. It was bad. There's so much behind why I did all of that, that I don't think he'll ever understand, or even wants to understand. Just like F.

I hope I don't do something like that again, but what if my medication goes wonky? How much was that was caused by my medication fizzling out? I... worry.

Saw a squirrel eating a boston creme on my walk today. Can't make this shit up.

Damn life's gonna get so fucking boring again.

3/22/24

My bird gave me this sick looking scratch this morning, but if anyone asks I'm gonna tell them I got it in the blood wars:

I don't know if my phone's camera is just shit, but this photo doesn't do the scratch justice. It's a lot more prominent and sicker irl. I wonder if there's an anti-redness filter built into my camera that I can't turn off. I have a samsung galaxy... something. In case if the girl reading this knows what's up.

It's snowing again, and I'm debating whether to go for my walk outside anyways since I haven't done it in a few days. Let Brewster see snow for the first time.

He does that thing that roosters do every morning btw. Gets loud when he sees the sun rising. Had to take him out of the cage with me so he doesn't wake T.

I think I'll do it. Put some grit in me. Become the weary traveller.

Took another picture after turning off a few settings in the camera app. I tried getting it as close to the original as possible so I can compare. I think it looks better:

3/21/24

The gummy made me feel better. I don't really think it should be affecting me like this, but it is, so. Feels silly to say it is. I'll never be cool enough for people.

I wonder how much of it is repressed shit that I should take seriously or if I'm just high.

I don't really understand how I can be threatened with the law in one hand, and have people asking to work for me out of the blue in the other.

I love accounting but I also love doing a variety of things every day and having the ability to choose what I want to do. I could never love having a job because of that.

I think you're insane and beyond my ability to help.

You know what's a drug peddler is the super market. You buy food and eat it, and you feel good for a while, but you're always having to go back to buy more. It's an addiction.

Thinking about relations between STRAIGHT, CIS (apply this to the rest of the paragraph lol) men and women, and I know at least in my experience, when women have problems among themselves the problems are more complicated. When I've had a problem with a man it's usually about sex in some sort of form. I don't think this is because cismen are simplistic in thought, which is unfortunately the first assumption I get to when I start thinking about this. I think it's because there's a societal expectation that we can't be as open with each other. Because of this, the problems that arise between men and women are a lot stupider, because we don't make room for vulnerable yet intelligent conversations with each other.

Idk if that makes sense, the wording is bad probably.

i need to work on finding people cute and not devouring them

3/21/24

fuck. why does he hurt me like this? why do i hurt me like this...

lets hurt me again

...

not that bad this time

oh i know what i could do. do some pot before work, see how long before anyone notices. that'd be fun

WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO SHOW YOU THE PERSON I AM, NOT THE PERSON I'VE BECOME.

they never noticed my effort

oh no they don't like me again

did they always never like me?

there's a aprt of me split in two and i can only access the hidden one when im high. she's 9 years old. i remember...

the world was different

i have early memories of my mom pulling on my hair, with tears streaming down my face, every day with a brush before school would start

i have early memories of me running and hiding in the closet or behind the bed when there was fighting

...

i only have access to 30% of my brain when im not high. i only have 30% of myself and that's why everything feels dull. to make things not feel dull i do stupid things. hoping to connect with other parts of my brain. i guess i hope that jostling things up will knock something loose, ane give me access to another 1% of my brain.

3/20/24

I keep waking up to this.

First thing I thought about today was my brother, and then I remembered the past 3 months. ehhheeheheheHEHEEHHhee

I know what I need to do. I think I know the alternate purpose to my life. But I'm scared of doing it.

I'm not gonna fully feel alive if I don't though. And I'm going to keep doing shit like this if I don't.

ah... the background came out like i wanted it to. yay

lamotrigine makes me feel so relaxed that i want to go to sleep

so when im in a bad mood i become absorbed in the nightmares my mind creates to the point where time flies, and idk maybe im hallucinating. and when im in a good mood im bored and horny. it's a great life.

"just get dick later" but have u ever thought i might be sweepy by tonight? hm? what if im sweepy

i think id be popular among cavemen because most of what i write here are merely my reactions to carnal physical sensations. i like to tell myself that everyone secretly thinks like this but pretends to act more uh... enlightened. but maybe im just a degenerate.

aw this thing is going offline for a few hours. wtf am i supposed to spam now?

we stan the big G today. he stood up to the client finally. he's demanding that he pay his fucking payroll taxes. yanno the little doohickey taxes on your check stubs that all of us automatically pay. but yanno if u own the company u cant just be like "hey don't tax my bonus or i'll fire u". good job big G you did it.

we're not the police so we can't force the client but we're not sucking up to him.

why don't i report him? i like big G, it's his client not mine, and i need job references

depressed

lol

What I did today:

• i walked my bird
• i finished the background to this thing
• i finally submitted my cpa license application
• i emailed my therapist about what's been going on

and work is getting easier considering everything.

i bitch a lot but im still moving. i should at least recognize actual productive shit i did on here.

i don't wanna wake up and do shit again tomorrow

3/19/24

I've already gotten on to a higher dose of lamotrigine and feel a bit better. :(

I hate having this.

The woman has a point, I do sound a bit like what I'd think a drug addict would sound like.

I shouldn't say that to myself. There's nothing addictive about this shit a lot of science has that backed up.

Can't believe I have to find a new psychiatrist again.

Channeling my ancestors this morning by walking up a hill with a sack of potatoes from the store. Lmao

Bebbanburgggggg

I need to get a peasant's garb

God I hate being horny for people who want to put me in jail. :(

This is all an elaborate ploy so he can see me in handcuffs without going through the indignity of asking

OH WAIT NO I get it (oops caps lock)

It's so when he goes to jail, I'll already be in there waiting for him. *heart

That's so sweet...

"We would be in seperate wards" bby I'd transition for u :(

"I don't think you understand how serious this is"

...Do you want me to be serious about what I say?

ahh... those p end tags do make a difference, for sure.

im too horny today. work is so boring, who can blame me for daydreaming?

nopw im just falling asleep. glad im back to normal

FINISHED return :3

i still hate that i need meds this bad.

this is something im gonna have to live with forever...

After April 15th I'm quitting this job, and I'm taking 2 months off from work. Idk if I'll start looking in the 2nd month or if I'll wait, it depends on how I feel. ... I'm not doing well, I need a break. I need a new focus in life too. I have to figure out what I want. Or maybe just accept that the rest of my life is pretty much... planned out and done. I'm not sure if T and I were meant for each other but we do well together, and we're comfortable with each other. Everything that I've read says I'm supposed to want a relationship like that. Trauma makes me want toxic people instead. I have bad taste in men that I have to course correct myself for, but it often feels like I'm betraying myself for doing that.

nothing is going right on this balance sheet

"interest on dividends" im going to fucking kill you

i think it's because it's beautiful outside. i don't wanna work at all

i have no idea what to say to my therapist friday. i kinda don't wanna talk to her, because im having some mad suicidal thoughts, and i don't wanna get put under any more surveilance. i can't tell her about the restraining order threat. that might also land me in the brain ouchie jail. so i don't know what to tell her. im too exhausted to lie. i'll probably tell her, "there's something i should tell you but i don't want to" uh... and hope i can stall for an hour. maybe i should just reschedule. fuck...

3/18/24

gonna run away

go by a new name

Juniper Chikadee

run away to the forest

always dressed in gingam

eternally carrying a picnic basket

it is bottomless

it is where i keep the corpses

of backwoods retirees who happen to find

a lost girl in the middle of the night

welcome her in with a hug and a prayer

dinner's uneasy,

"something's not right with her stare"

tuck her in with linens of white

fitful sleep, awake with a fright

last thing they hear is her terrible blare:

"i am the daughter of witches you couldn't burn"

... (lol)

good morning dimmsdale

it is Monday, March 18th. we're predicting a slow-moving depression with a thirty percent chance of scattered misery. but that does not dampen the celebration of normies and soy boys everywhere as Chad Thundercock calls for the subjection of the Woman to the Happy Pill. He states, "I always wanted to to spend the majority of my time working, making money, and looking cool. And that's why we need to drug her."

oh awesome, that appointment was fucking awful. jesus FUCKING CHRIST. WOMAN. PLEASE. "you don't need meds just make do" LADY IT'S TAKEN ME SO FUCKING LONG FOR ME TO ADMIT I NEED THEM. HOLY FUCK. had to twist her arm for an increase. god fucking damn it. god.

gotta go find a new one again fucking hell.

been an hour, im still livid. "have you thought about working on your personality?" i have 6 books on depression and anxiety at home and ive been in and out of therapy for years, but no, i have never considered that maybe im the fucking problem. gee, you really opened my eyes.

when I show up for meds, IM ON MY LAST FUCKING LEG. MY LAST FUCKING LEG. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING LEGAL I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF. woman i don't want to do illegal things. i don't FUCKING CARE if meds aren't a permanent solution that lasts forever I DON'T FUCKING CARE. SIX MONTHS IS BETTER THAN FUCKING NOTHING.

and she didn't know prozac and fluoxetine are the same thing. what the fuck.

i feel like there is no hope for me

nobody wants anything to do with me so i pay people to help me and it's still not enough. i just fucking can't. i try. i try to do alot on my own, i try to build myself up and be positive, but it's not enough for people. how am i supposed to feel okay about myself when no one wants anything to do with me? when people are threatening the cops against me? i have tyler and that's fucking it. we've ran out of things to talk about with each other. i feel so fucking alone.

i want someone i can be honest with. who lets me vent and be mad or upset or insane about things. someone who lets me feel sometimes and lets me take off the mask. who doesn't always expect me to carry the world all the time. someone who's willing to fall apart with me every once in a while. i don't want to be perfect and i know i can't be. the world wants me to be. i can't fucking take it. i have fucking nothing, im just good at appearing put together. because i have to appear that way. people run when they see who i really am.

yep i just fucking can't

got nothing done at work today. im way too anxious. i can't stop thinking about...

weed gummy will save me.

fuck ppl hi drugs. :)

man, why men turn me into

a massive baby?

im like every annoying high pitched anime character

and not just any anime character but the lolis

like where's the self respect

i have none

...

dick is good but not that good

i love dick

but not enough to turn into one of those screechy pink hair things

i guess i must think highly of my pain. but i probably look like some annoying loli migdet bicthe

...

yeah i dunno i have no self-respect

if i could stand outside of myself id cringe watching

...

XXXXXXXX i remember you liked lolis once

i dont like lolis i just like their clothes

yea whatever

,,,

exhausted

man that lady is such a liar and she needs a joint. someone give her a fucking joint

how could I. EYE. have brain damage?

im having evil thoughts

about bothering A's ask box

but i fucking can't :c

oxygen in a liquid form

fuck i was totally thinking about something important but i spilled orange juice all over the floor :(

god i HAVE to do something am i really gonna die liek this?

im literally going to die as this fuking person

i feel like despite acknowledgin my anime uwu loli behavior it's getting worse somehow

what if this stupid webpage becomes the thing that ruins my life

like i become fucking ceo of marvel and i get exposed through this shitty webpage

god<

PLEASE

PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS CORNER

PLEASE LET ME VIGOROUSLY MASTURBATE IN THIS CORNER

god i just need one thing

i need to FUCKING nut

i think i can nut

with enough drugs anyone can nut

i know why it's called nut

because at first you start out all shy about it like nnnnNNNNnnnnnnnnNNNn

and then u moan uuuuuuuuuhuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

...

im 28 god help

guys

genuinely what the fuck is going on why are we so old i feel like im 14 i swear. i just pretend im not. lets go to recess :)

see THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING THE LOLI SHIT KEEPS SNEAKING UP ON ME

brain u must stop. but with acceptance. and mindfulness. :)

god i hate therapy

maybe i should just be high all the time what does it matter

...

i tried explaining it to my parents "mom, dad, i feel like im supposed to be on the playground idk what's going on"

and they were like "nah that's not true"

you guys are FUCKING LIARS and I KNOW you feel the same. i know you're all just LYING

like i guess i know more and remember less. but i feel not much different from teenage years. eyes a bit more tired, less acne.... bigger tits

i dont know........ some parts of me changed drastically but there is a certain essence that has not

...

ah yeah that lady today. wanted to cut my tongue out and convert me to god

drugs bad foor me? food bad for u tubby but u aint slow down

its gonna be a nightmare if anyone finds this

...

aw no the high is wearing off AND im getting tired noooooooooooooo

...

man hangs a noose and what dies is his porn addiction

kinda interesting to think about

hm...

nofappers are just stupid this noose guy has it figured out

...

having evil thoughts about showing up high to work.

i have no idea... how people go to work high and not make it obvious. maybe it's because of the other shit im on but i would be very unhelpful at work in those circumstances

but idk... it would be funny. to me. and only me probably

...

does this old lady N want to hang out with me? hmmmmmm...

we both too scared to ask each other directly lolololololl

weh

how do i ask people :(

still it's eery how well we get along together despite the age differemnce. im sure she feels the same. she hates ppl my age genereally

do you think if i just go to bars i will meet more people like her? because she's always in bars apparently

hmmmmmmmmmmm...................

oh no we're the same person arentwe

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo................................. fuck tho we are right down to the abnormal male socialization that freaks people out nooooooooooo

jesus fucking CHRIST im going to be worse than this when im older?!

...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmpreg

3/17/24

simp

le flips :)

ive been doing nothing but watching his troll hack competition and sleeping. and its been nice. i haven't sat down and binged youtube in a long time.

once again. don't feel like sleeping. maybe it's anxiety.

im very close to maybe finishing the background, but i can't figure out how to use this software. im er... mediocre at drawing. and its been a long time since i've drawn. and i don't usually draw digitally. (i got a fancy new pen that works great with my laptop though, and the laptop converts into a tablet. this tech 10 years ago would've cost $1500-$2000 and you would have to use a standalone tablet just for drawing. so im doing this shit now.)

i should be going to bed but im so fucking close to finishing it, and i feel wired.

fuck... i'll let it go for tonight. troubleshooting software is annoying.

nah im completely anxious unfortunately. can't sleep. i see the psychiatrist tomorrow so the med adjustment should help with sleep.

THE DRUGS ARE KICKING IN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to bed (it's melatonin)

why don't i grow shrooms though. real talk, what's stopping me?

3/16/2024

We're really in the worst timeline though. If you try searching "shrek with gun" you get a bunch of shitty AI renditions of shrek with a gun, with his face all warped (not in a cool way it just makes him look like a fat indian man. nothing against fat indian men.), and smiling in every one of them probably because the AI is trained off of promotional images. You just have to see what I mean for yourself.

Back in my day, when you search "shrek with gun", the internet delivered... this should be the easiest thing to request a computer to do...

Pretty weird feeling that I can ruin my life with half a day's drive south. It's like I already acquired the gun, and it's sitting across the room from me. What can I say, when you can't get a gun, bitches make do.

Am I really suicidal? Is that actually something I should worry about?

I think so.

I think I hate myself that much.

My suicide plan was to slowly work my way towards killing myself. I just know how I am, and I know it would have to be slow work. I also feel like I've read somewhere that suicides don't usually happen on an impulse, so. Anyways, for example, I go into an emotional fit. Maybe during that since I'm motivated, I search online for a near by gun store. Small baby steps. The next fit I go to the gun store. I learn that I need a person to go with me or to enroll in a safety class. Alright. The next fit, I enroll in the class, go to it when I'm sober and "passing" as okay. Eventually, with enough fits I end up owning a gun. Another fit later, I decide the keep the gun in a place readily available for me to use on myself. Another fit, I'm loading the gun. Who knows how many fits it will take after that, but eventually I'll fire. I just slowly chip away at the barriers between me and pulling the trigger, until the faintest breeze will shatter the barrier forever.

That was my plan, if I was ever serious about suicide. I thought I wasn't. But now that I have this shit going on with A I've seriously cut down on the amount of fits I need to ruin my life. Did a part of me do that on purpose? Am I really suicidal?

I don't think Chatgpt is gonna like this one.

I feel bad that I pulled A into this. I didn't think I'd subconsciously whittle the barriers between me and my suicide down. And of course I wouldn't want to involve another person in it. But is my brain really pulling my body in that direction? I feel pretty suicidal now.

If I can slowly work my way towards suicide, I can also slowly work my way towards stopping it from happening when I'm sober.

I'm sorry A, you didn't make me like this. You really did not. My depression has existed for years, decades. It would really be unfair to you if this was the way I went out. There's worse people in my life I could scar with my death.

...

Okay, well. Time to do something with my life today. I took off from work to rest. Thank god G is lenient with me. Thank god we survived the partnership deadline too. That one client though, negative hundred grand in multiple bank accounts:

...

I keep wanting to drink this wiper fluid because I think it's gatorade.

Can the mucus stop? Can the mucus cease to be? Mr. Electric,

(My brother is obsessed with that scene. Was obsessed with it long before it gained traction on the internet. When he hit teenage years, his mind became enraptured by intense emotional scenes in movies, instead of just random... bits of stuff. Like Max losing his Dream Journal. I think this is progress regarding his autism.)

trying not to eat this entire box of oreos...

hey, check out my bird's fit:

I wear her on my back and we go for walks together. :)

fucking sleepy again

s oup...

im not getting any closer to improving the homepage but soon the background will be more exciting hopefully.

almost midnight, damn

face hurts.... might be the soup...

simple flip so silly :3

i think im finally recovering from my cold

3/15/2024

yanno it's just another normal day in the life. my face hurts, i got threatened with a restraining order, all that good stuff. he's right, im not really taking shit seriously. it's hard to take this seriously because it would mean that my actions mean something, and i affect people on this planet. which means me and my life matters. spent so long without an eye batted in my direction, i thought i wasn't made of any substance.

something has happened to me. back in my early twenties, i became like this. got tired of being nice to people. never felt like there was a point because people disliked me anyways. it's not a very good or useful belief and it just turned me into an increasingly angrier asshole as the years wear on. i feel like i can't stop it though. one day im just going to lose it and throw away everything.

T wants me to take this shit seriously. Other people would want me to take this shit seriously if they knew. I... don't know. I have a hard time believing that I'm not just gonna snap one day. That any effort I put into not snapping is just prolonging the inevitable.

I say all this but I know I'm waking up again tomorrow, and I'll do a bunch of stuff, and pray to god some of the stuff I do results in improvement of some sort. That's all I ever do every damn day.

Today fucking sucked. I'm still sick and overworked. I had to leave early because of my head and I couldn't stop crying again.

3/14/2024

I stayed home from work because I feel too ill. Wish I could always stay home from work ngl.

The weather outside is beautiful so I'm really bummed that I have to rest. I would take my birds outside if I was feeling better and go on a long walk. I'm mad that I haven't been walking all week but it's only because I pulled a muscle in my leg, and now I'm sick. But I have been eating healthier, so I'm still on track with something.

I hate going to the gym, and I generally think working out is boring. So I'm hoping just walking around will help me lose weight and get me in better shape. I'm thinking of carrying weights too to build some extra strength. I think it's surprisingly been helping me out because I'm that out of shape? But I haven't lost weight yet.

I mostly want to lose weight so I can fit into the clothes I want. But if I get fit and my body is still too big for the clothes I want, then I'm just not gonna care about weight.

Body wants to nap all day because it's sick, but I don't want to.

My friend is getting into a good relationship, ah... He has someone to talk to every day. I feel like I can't talk to T about my problems. Or that I'm tired of talking about my problems because they never seem to go away. It's just endless. I feel miserable. Man, I almost had someone I could talk to... but he wasn't it either was he. Because he didn't talk about himself, and I don't like it when things only go one way. I need friends. But I'm scared of the internet and I'm scared of going outside. Too many times have I been hurt online. And idk fuck. Don't know how to meet people. Fuck.

Napkin, chip, and penny.

3/13/2024

They have me stuck in the glue trap.

I can't tell if I'm cold or if I'm having chills from the sickness. At work btw.

I figured out that I don't think the people I told about my website actually got the message about it. Because I'm shadowbanned on the platform I used to communicate with them, but I didn't realize that until yesterday. Because I'm not very smart. But this is a good thing because I regretted telling them anyways. This is my secret place.... don't want anyone to find it.... except you, dear anon.

Not a single thought is occurring in my head today.

Guys we got the Food Page up and running! Lets fucking goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3/12/2024

As usual, I don't feel like working today. I think A hates me. Life is great. Showed up to work an hour late and it's only Tuesday.

I have stuff I want to add to this site. Giving it a background, for one. I also need to upload more pages to it. I have recipies I wanna put up, maybe I'll put up the therapy exercises I've been doing. Basically, I just want to work on this, and the last thing I need is to be at my job.

I should really get a thermos for coffeses.

This client, every year: A pain in the ass. But I finally finished those hard returns yesterday, which is good.

I've been thinking of putting a list of stuff I did on here daily. There's a lot of venting going on in here, which is mainly what this is going to be for. But I don't think it's a well-rounded reflection of all the shit I do. Not that I do much. None of us can really do much other than work or be mentally ill in this society.

I wish people liked me more.

3/11/24

Felt so sad last night I failed to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep. Constantly waking up in the middle night. Sad about A. I still miss him. I wish I could tell him I'm sorry.

Getting to the part in the therapy book finally where they actually go over techniques instead of the science behind stuff. Even though I appreciate evidence of this type of therapy working, it's not what I need right now.

Girlies we are without vagina soap. We're not gonna make it.

So did this guy take out a loan through his company and is just shoving it all into his personal trust account? The hell man.

If you have a business you can do whatever you want. You can take a loan out through the company for "business" and use it as your retirement. The world is your fucking oyster.

Yah this national bank owes us$500,000. For sure. For what? Well,

I'm so tired. God damn it. God fucking damn it too depressed to sleep.

My co-worker is losing her head next door. Yeah these people are crooks, I'm sorry. We can't do anything. I hope her small business takes off so she can work at better places. (by better places I mean for herself)

God my brain is SCREAMING at me to go hurt myself emotionally. To distract from how pained I feel at work, and how tired I am. Honestly, it does this when I'm just sitting around bored. "Hi I see you're bored. How about we stick knives in your brain?"

Maybe I get into situationships online to escape everything fucking around me in the real world. Maybe I emotionally destroy myself over people who reject me because life would be boring otherwise. Maybe this is the reason for everything.

It actually is the reason for everything. I always forget and then I walk into this truth again in my mind. I've long used romantic/sexual fantasies as a way to mentally dissociate from what is going on around me. I use its flipside for an escape too: romantic/sexual turmoil.

Idk, maybe if I bold this I'll remember next time.

stimming with my boob

I think I'm starting to go blind. Everything needs to be at size 18 font. Or at least I prefer it that way. Small font bothers me now if it's on a computer.

they put biden up the street from me and he's blocking the entrance to the hospital. his presence is a traffic hazard and he's probably killing people by being here. i actually might die from biden's fat ass blocking the road. how am i supposed to get home?

It's hard trying to be interested in people when I feel like I'm talking to NPCs a lot of the time. I don't like thinking this way, but I can't help but have the thought. This is probably something I need to fix. Or accept? According to my new religion ACT therapy? Bloody hell.

Have to accept I'm kind of a fucking asshole. Cool. (What do you mean kind of?)

3/10/24

i wish my mom was normal so i couldve had an easier time developing friendships with women

3/9/2024

Has anyone else thought about how getting rid of pensions has tied the quality of our retirement to the well-being of the stock market? Since investing in a 401(k) is essentially giving these companies money in hopes that their EPS goes up forever? And if it doesn't we all suffer for it in our old age?

You know, I really shouldn't do things that are most likely to cause me mental anguish at my busiest time of year. If only I had that idea a couple of days ago.

But sisters, we survived it. I'm actually feeling pretty good today.

I either need to be drunk, high, or extremely caffinated. Maybe I should try crack.

ooo what if i scared myself tnight? visiting the evil. maybe that's what I should do.

god reddit is absolutely terrifying i should not go the accounting subreddit again.

i think you should only talk about accounting to me if you're my friend. otherwise it's unnecessary trauma for myself. by my own hand.

aw shit

aw no

I HAVE TO DO THE THERAPY EXERCISE. NOW'S THE TIME FUCK.

wow i went on a totally different thought. forgot about the exercise till i came back to this.

do you think that a bird's perception of "close to the ground" is different than a human's perception. like we consider a foot "close to the ground" but a bird probably think 6 ft is close to the ground because they're above that all the time.

aw fuck then there's pilots

heh chads, 6ft maybe be large to me. but it will never be large for a bird.

mmmm.... therapy exercises

mom, there's a talking potato on a stick, with a hat on, and no mouth!

don't worry sweetie, that's educational television, it's good for you! and you shouldn't say dumb, that's not nice.

fuck ive been trying to remember a Jism for years. and it comes back to me now?

you know i don't think i ever fully considered that conversation. because ive seen it so many times from such a young age. like there's a Mom character and Child character. They're talking to each other. The mom sounds like she's in the kitchen in the other room. Words and ideas are being exchanged. I think when I was young, I thought the child looked strange. That's all I thought. ... Maybe I was scared of the child.

but yeah i heard that conversation all the time because of my brother. one of his favorite scenes.

is there something wrong with me, sitting here, writing for hours at a time? livestreamers probably also feel just as crazy. not that this is really anything like livestreaming. i don't think i'd really want that life... even though i once did--we all did--as a kid.

it's gonna suck one day that im writing something long and then CUT the power goes off and i lose it.

i think it'd just be neat to one day make a zillion copies of this log when im real old and throw them in a bottle into the ocean. maybe someone else will figure this out and tell me when we're both dead.

if you were suddenly disconnected from the world and thrown into a void where nothing is familiar, isn't that the same as being dead??

Tiring life, this life of mine.

I kinda don't want anyone to find this? But I kinda do.

p> why i don't have a guest book or anything of that sort.

something nice in thinking im only talking to myself

but maybe im not

"i don't think google is indexing every web page" -- who said that?

is that why things are shit?

am i using the word index correctly? is what im thinking thr right definition??

having the sleeps right now

but i dont wanna

what if everything's alive but we have the wrong perception so we envision everything as dead? but there are conversations going on all around us. and we'll never get to hear them

sleeeeepy

what if your name was dick tater?

dude, that's what i would name my son.

or Dick L. Tater (dick less tater)

or Dick dick

strange realms afoot

talking probably sounds like bird calls to birds

3/8/24

Why do I always feel completely heartbroken all the time.

It feels like all the work I do is completely pointless because I'm constantly getting shat on by people. People always turn on me so fucking quick.

I don't really want to work all the time. But there's nothing to do outside of work, because people are either working or treating each other like shit.

I always put myself in these situations even when I know better. Maybe I believe I deserve to get repeatedly hurt in this way.

I guess my boss is in a good mood because he's humming. I feel bad for how slow I've been working though. Guess he doesn't care? ... I'm gonna miss this job.

Sometimes I want to cry but I can't physically make myself do it. Gets held up in my head, gives me a headache instead.

But guys this balance sheet doesn't even balance.

yea man just form in front of me

I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life trying to keep a healthy mindset. The fuck is this shit.

Suicide rates among all working people are up 33% from 20 years ago. Aint that something.

Why was I born?

People say on reddit that keeping an online public journal like this would result in getting doxxed but I really don't think anyone's gonna give a shit about this. And even if they do I kinda deserve to get doxxed. And if someone doxxed and violently murdered me at least it'd be an interesting way to die.

I'm a little bit of a reckless bitch.

If you give me the option to live a life of caution or ball hard I'm fucking ballin. Only way to find true freedom is to live life without fear.

I say that and then regret the decisions I make when they don't go as planned. My one fear is regret. Guess I'll never be free.

SimpleFlips is such a good boy. The bestest boy.

I wish I could cuddle people all the time but no body wants that.

no Bod e

I wish I was a god. I bet god doesn't have a crik in his neck, he's got that shit figured out. Though some muscle did release in my neck today and now I can bend my head in all directions. Now if only the other neck muscles would do the same...

Brain to me: I HAVE to keep hurting myself. There is hidden knowledge you do not know and you must seek it on the forbidden profile.

im, re,e,neroimg rea;;u p;d ,isoc/ kt's jaed tp lee[ tje [arade gjpomg/ l, l,afkmgkmg sjpptlmg tje sldgms wktn a ;ak t na;; fjm/ s[;atoon was always a game i wanted to play.

3/7/24

Utilizing horny fantasies to escape the thought of having to do work.

hmmm

indeed

Okay I actually have to do something at work today. I don't blame myself for yesterday too much, because my co-worker was busy pissing off our boss, and I had questions for him that he couldn't answer because he was too busy being pissed off. It was a "Well shit, what am I supposed to do?" moment.

No matter how groggy I am. I will do something.

(I'm so brave.)

wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo wroo

3/6/24

I am reaching peak efficiency. I can make lunch and breakfast in the span of 15 minutes. Despite the fact that I got my grindset game on better than most people, I'm still unhappy. I wish you would realize that, man. My life is miserable. There's nothing I want more than to slack off. I'm so tired.

Ok man, why do I have to figure out the entity structure all on my own when you have the phone numbers to call the guy and ask him? And how hard is it to keep this shit straight? God damn it.

3/5/24

I hope he's okay, and not too fucked up over what I did.

Easter Sunday ass color scheme.

The numbers are starting to spin in my head.

can't even spell furnace right

can't even spell furnace right

can't even spell furnace right

There's probably a way to set a hexcode to a variable, so I don't have to go and change every damn instance of a hexcode when I want to change a color. But uh... will I learn how to do that? Hm... maybe. Maybe not.

Fellas... my boys... through trial and error I think we've finally found The Color Scheme.

3/4/23

Have you ever wondered when wolves are old enough to give consent?

Still no walrus tusk by the way.

Do I have to do fucking work today? I feel miserable here.

Thank you for making my life confusing by naming your bank Truist, which looks like a typo for Trust, which is very different from a bank loan.

This page probably shouldn't be as personal as it is, but I don't think people are going to look at it closely if at all.

I don't really know how I'm keeping my head straight on any of this, or if I'm keeping my head straight on any of this.

N I fucking promise you my return is worse than yours please FUCK OFF. Yeah your client is a crook so are 75% of them, fucking god.

Every day I say to myself, this world is a fucking nightmare.

I can finally move the fuck on from this return.

You can tell how well my boss is doing mentally by how much he is stapling papers. (There's no reason to staple papers)

It's the satisfying sound the stapler makes; I think that's why he does it. It's calming. There's a certain finality to it.

I don't think you're living your best life if nobody wants you dead by the end of it.

I'll never not be mad at T's dad.

Why do I always have to be the responsible one. Why can't I ever fuck off and screw up, and people say, "Oh she's just like that," about me?

How come birds poop but don't pee?

oi the gummy

I think I'm discovering that my pet bird is the perfect amount of social interaction for me 50% of the time. He always loves you and he does not judge. It's a lot like the woods. I can always feel at peace in nature. The amount of life around you that lets you exist as you are. I wish we could all have that. I wish that for everyone. We're too critical of each other.

Maybe he thinks I'm cute. I would think me is cute.

aw my pigeon is purring at me

God sometimes I think I should refuse to use CSS as much as possible because it's The New Term and there fore is harder. But it's not harder and I'm making my life more frustrating when I'm using html for something that is better suited for CSS.

but right now my problwms ias that I'm need more section things than >section< but then id have to read more of the css guide. so in a way it is harder.

too much reading. I read enough...

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to go in tomorrow. I want to keep writing like this. And to keep reading my book. I don't want my CPA license and I don't want to return to life.

I'm scared

I'm always gonna be scared

There's a lot to be scared of

I'm scared of how sad and strange everyone is. I'm scared that I am sad and strange as well. But I am. Probably. We're all a bit broken. Did I say why I do this? Well, part of it is for the home that someday something will find this and tell me what's wrong with me. Even if I die before knowing what's wrong with me. Someone else, down the line, finds me and cracks the puzzle to my life. Maybe someone else can benefit. There's no way to know that this won't get pulled as data for something somewhere. Where does it all go...

so thirsty. need snack. snaaack. weeeh... need cookei.

idk why, but sugar cookies are my favorite. Sometimes I just want something plain, boring, and sweet.

I stepped in bird shit

It's surprising Google is the way it is. It's just yellow pages for the internet.

There's probably no problems to fix, really

How many people hate me, I wonder? Should I be afraid? Man, what was I thinking writing all of this? This looks like batshit insanity.

A cry for help for sure.

Am I too emotive in my writing? Too flat? Do I sound like a dumbass? All questions.

help fucking christ

what the hell is an object show

3/3/24

The only day I get off this week is today. What a fucking drag. I want to go on a walk with the birds but Ty doesn't sound quite excited. I have to log how I feel about him more, but not just when he upsets me. It has to be a consistent daily thing in order to be accurate. I feel like he's sinking back into not wanting to do shit with me. It especially sucks because he'll say things like, "I haven't seen you in forever," and then only play video games on his own or have sex with me.

It's a bit of a shame, Tiffany is kind of hard to talk to if it's not about something she enjoys. I tried to start up other conversations with her throughout the week but it fell flat. I don't know, maybe she's just shy.

I mean, fuck merged cells and page descriptors, who needs them, but thanks for giving me >th< for column headings.

hm.... description lists:

This author would be mad at me because I am quickly discovering I actually don't give too many shits about HTML. I care more about CSS. And I don't care about having... err...a nicer, richer, more meaningful HTML page.

In other words, if I don't see a visible change on the front end, then what's even the point?

Enough of this for today.

Alright. I finally figured out a better color scheme for this thing than whatever the fuck this is. I just have to make it happen.

Also I am condemned to infamy in that guy's head forever.

I don't think there's anything that can stop the terrible loneliness that makes me devour people, other than by staying around people I only feel lukewarm about. Which therapy says is healthy. So I guess it is.

What the fuck do I know.

Even though today was a good day I still thought about him a lot.

3/2/24

I keep checking people's profiles because I don't like the thought of losing people who treat me nicely. Or who I at least think treat me nicely. I think when I associate someone with being a friend it's hard for me to break that association later. So even when they're mean to me, or hate me, or avoid me, I still cling on to them and think of them as my friend. Friend must be tied with the fear of abandonment or rejection. Or loneliness.

Wish I could see what he's saying now. I don't like the thought of people being gone forever. But that's a hard one to find comfort for because eventually everyone goes. I'm not sure how to twist the pain from that into something positive.

3/1/24

already feels like i lived a year and it's 2025 now. with the amount of depression i experienced since the start of this year.

I started to go on morning walks for exercise. My birds come with me too in a little travel backpack I got for them. Helps motivate me. I hope to lose weight so I can fit into clothes that I want to wear but aren't in my size. Also for health reasons.

I think about life on these walks.

I think about Adam. I tried warning him back in early January that I was getting wiggy because he wasn't talking. But he didn't change his behavior, or offer an explanation. I had to try to guess at what his reasoning was. Maybe if he had told me he wanted a bit of space to himself I would've given him that.

I don't like guessing at people's thoughts, because if I start guessing and trying to assume what other people are thinking, it activates my social anxiety. I had to learn how to not jump to conclusions from a strange glance in my direction in order for me to recover from my high school years.

90% of the time people offer an answer as to why they do certain things. People like to talk about themselves. But what should I do if they won't give me an answer?

I remember I've been wanting to get into Hellboy.

2/29/24

fucking leap year, eh?

happy new year everybody

christ it's a busy day. trying to push through. i have to hang out with a friend tonight and as usual i don't feel like doing it.

still no walrus tusk

bored. therapy says i should accept this boredom and become one with it. become One with the boredom. oneeeeeeeee

what's that

can't tell

handheld dream

shot in hell

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

why would you start a new client with multiple locations and returns right before the deadline god damn it !!!!! we don't have the QB pass either fffffuck!!!!

im afraid to go downstairs and tell him we have jack shit for this client, but it's kinda his fault for not making sure he had the contact information handy. like there should be new client intake paperwork so we have all that shit.

it's also like. 20 minutes until the end of the day.

god i really miss you

i keep hoping if i stay up late i'll find the solution to my problems but i know it doesn't work like that.

2/28/24

the fixed assets on this client make me want to die. none of it is fucking correct. i had to move so much shit around eghh...

i just want to go home and read the self-help book ive been reading. I think no matter how much I like accounting, working is always going to feel like a waste of time for me. There's so many other things I could be doing to improve myself, and I only care about having a job for the money at the end of the day. Especially since there's shady shit going on in my field all the time, there's not really much of a reason to care about this job other than the money.

Maybe that's why there's no one in this field now.

If I could turn back time and choose a different career...

I'm hoping in a few years to go government, to escape this shit. I wanna work on financial criminal cases; gun down the next cryptocurrency scam, lol. But that probably has it's own bullshit too. I just hope it's less than public.

im feeling depressed because tyler slept in today, even though im also tired and i told him it's okay.

im not always the smartest

starving. because im trying to diet. i have no idea how to diet, i could look up how but i think im just gonna guess and see what works out idc

my bird flew over to me just to poop on my leg

ah, i miss adam too.

i might be screwing up staying with tyler

you can't ever really know if you would've been happier doing one thing or the other

do you think animals consider us gods? we make shit out of seemingly thin air to them.

adam used to joke about how we probably look from a pigeon's point of view. giant tendrils entering their home bringing food every morning

i dont want to forget the good memories i had with him. pain made me forget most of them with fox

i think my pigeon was purring

what if i gave him toilet paper

getting too high to watch my bird

gotta make sure i clean up his poo. he's very mad i put him in the cage

poopoo

there's not much else to do other than get high and miss the ones you love.

here's a thought reel on this book im reading:

am i really supposed to sit here and be depressed as a way of "accepting my feelings"? what if im bored of laying around feeling depressed? i want to do more with my life.

the world is incredibly frail. i thought people would be happier as adults, or about the same, but everyone just seems to get more depressed. i remember taking over that one guy's job, he left stuff in the desk of him just writing the same sentence over and over. some meaningless phrase.

aw man, im supposed to feel a spiritual connection to all people and living beings? i never felt that in my life

oh so now i don't feel enough, apparently. im supposed to get sad to have feelings. what the hell

why do i always feel like im never going anything right?

damn i think i understand that sutra now:

why can't i talk to you anymore, i have so many things to say about this book

"you hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt."

damn what do i do now

my bird looks round and melted

i will never find a walrus tusk in this game it's been 100 years

what if coyotes and wolves dated each other

hey man i almost shared a joke but guess what i didn't. my powerful humor is my own

these goldfish (snack) are terrible for me. like i will be in pain in 2 hours. it's really hard to get high and not have something stupid to eat tho

it's finally more humid now, isn't it?

is there someone else out there doing the same thing as me? someone i can validate myself by?

i remember that one dude with that massive long rambling text he would write while getting high or not getting high. i understand him now. he is my brother.

when can i stop getting angry at people?

mmmmm. now it is time to adjust the borders of this place.

thankyou red glowy number that tells me when ive made an error

what's crazier than doing this? only playing solitaire

i should prepare better for these night. i need a giant box of cookies and ice cream

focus. boreders of the place. stop reading about bullimia

hell yea. now the headers are close to the section. im a fucking god?

aw man im sad im moving away from the css beginner tutorial back to the html one... wait. i can make my own selectors? oh my god

span is small and div is large. no idea what he's saying now.

this website is about ACS

mmmm... quotes

according to my penis

you only get one shot at life to own a house. you only get one shot in life to own a dog. considering that, i should own a dog. im such a stuck upp ass. im too responsible. i don't know, maybe pine would disagree. he seems to hate pets now, at least the caring for them part. or am i thinking of someone else?

i swear my phone was moving

folding in on itself

you can see secret structures in the screen's reflection

2/26/24

back at work again, bored out of my mind.

idk why we're putting interest expense under credit card fees, but im good with not asking questions. im tired

im already hungry gehh

i can't wait until i make an acutal err... "landing page" (?) instead of this being it.

need to piss so bad but i feel anxious about it for some reason. o-O

it'll figure itself out

oh so they're shutting down the government again. they do this like every goddamn year.

three more hours bitches and i can go home

i realized i tend to react to the world instead of deciding for myself who i want to be. i tend to think, "i am x because this happened" instead of "i am x because i want to be". being fluid has made me highly adaptable. I can freely maneuver myself to fit the situation im in. but i can't always be like this. sometimes my reactions to my environment aren't rational. usually im good at reacting in a way that protects myself. but with relationships im not. i can't just follow my intuition concerning that. i need to discover my values, so they can lead me when my emotions and self-preserving reactions aren't cutting it.

2/25/24

this place is getting there. idk about the color scheme, hard to figure out. It's kinda too bright maybe. i want a more nature-y page though.

I feel shit for the things I've done, but screwing around with this has helped me get my mind off of it. I still feel sad that Adam is gone. I knew things between us would've ended badly, but I decided to start talking to him anyways.

He was a funny guy but he was kind of self-absorbed. He loved talking about his own problems and declining to help people with theirs. I was hoping for someone to get into some debauchery with, but because of his past he was insecure about doing those sorts of things. He goofed off too much and is trying to get serious now. I'm too serious and trying to lighten up. He's still pretty bad at taking anything seriously though. He likes beating himself up, which I guess he thinks that's solving the problems in his life, but it's not. He can't really get better until he's not afraid of thinking about the future and committing to something.

Can't really have fun with this type of guy because they're too insecure and depressed about themselves to loosen up. For anyone reading this, these type of people aren't bad, just the fact of the matter is they're too occupied with themselves to hang around with.

Well, at least I can go to the grave now saying I had the attention of a hot, funny, edgelord for at least a little bit. Was it really immature and stupid of me? Yes. Did I know better not to get involved with him, and chose not to listen to myself? Yes. Hopefully there won't be a need to repeat this again.

Really disappointing how hot edgelords tend to be insecure, in my experience at least. Focusing on appearances to compensate for something else. I am unfortunately attracted to these types. You gotta be responsible to survive life, but sometimes I want a fucking break. And I'm... I think the word is "parasuicidal". I watch these people not give a shit about surviving and maturing, and I'm jealous. Because I want more than anything to completely trash myself. Sometimes I put myself in bad situations just hoping my life gets trashed, and I can finally let go all responsibilities and inhibitions.

And kill myself, maybe. Though it's hard to consider that too seriously right now. Because of my brother. Who ties me to this shit existence. I think with time and effort I could psyche myself into suicide, but I won't say how here.

I have therapy tomorrow. Kind of why I'm writing all of this out so I know what to talk about.

I stopped watching porn since the *event* happened, and I think it's helped me feel more satisfied in my relationship. I didn't know how much of an effect that was having on me. I never looked at it enough to consider whether I had an addiction or not. And I don't think I have one because it was easy to drop. But I was comparing sex with my boyfriend with porn sex subconsiously, which led to dissatisfaction. And it played a big part in why I tried breaking up with him, and all of this shit that's happened over the past few months. I feel like a fucking idiot.

clothes shopping is always a pain in the ass.

2/23/24

there's absolutely zero information about where the money is coming from and going in this guy's stuff. i guess i can prepare it for my boss to look at but god damn. well, he can have fun signing off on this return.

brotha they can't even give me a bank statement ;-;. come the fuck on

im gonna hate it when it's my turn to sign off on bullshit like this

i know my boss gave me this return because the other girl would've complained. sigh... yeah now i see some of the related entities in this thing. this is the infamous client she goes on about.

the ethics of my job has bothered me for a long time, since i left college. it's hard to be ethical when you're threatened with the loss of your job. i like to believe that everyone has to bullshit a bit in their jobs in order to keep them, no matter what career you choose. that's what i tell myself so i can sleep at night, anyways.

"THC fucks with your quality of sleep" screww off, I'll do what I want.

i need a coffee or something. i have a bad addiction to it. well... i actually haven't been wanting to sleep lately, so that's probably a part of it. i've been staying up late enjoying my free time.

work is really boring. i think he's running out of stuff for us to do. kinda his fault for hiring so many people. ah... i have to start preparing to look for a new job. get interview clothes and such; i doubt my old ones fit. im kind of scared, either of being offered shit pay or getting decent pay that matches my experience. i go on the accounting subreddit and the salaries people post are insanely higher than mine right now. for some reason, getting paid more money gives me anxiety. i just don't think im worth much, even though all evidence points to otherwise. a lot of people love working with me. i passed the cpa exam. this means i can ask for quite a lot of money, but i only feel like im worth five dollars, honestly. and me asking for more money feels like im being a burden to other people. im the perfect applicant for getting my salary lowballed by the interviewer.

well, im hoping to get saturday off because there doesn't seem to be work. though if not, the overtime will be nice. it doesn't make sense for me to get overtime if there's nothing to do, but my boss is of an anxious sort and likes bringing everyone in for saturdays anyways.

there's a lot of anxious people in accounting

i think it was growing up bullied that makes me afraid of earning more money. i still identify as a complete loser. im not supposed to have an important position, or have nice things that make me cool(?) in comparison to other people. other kids growing up were called the successful ones, and were more charismatic than i am, and those kids would bully me usually. now i feel like im getting sent back into the lion's den with those people.

people tell me im meant for something greater, but i feel like im getting pushed away when people say that. i don't like it. it's alienating. do they actually believe it when they say those things? or do they say stuff like that as an excuse to push me away? i don't know.

fuuuuuck i have to go in tomorrow.

i should think of something to do other than this when i go in. ive been needing to go back to the therapy book i was reading, just been lazy with it.

i sure as hell need a new psychiatrist but i keep forgetting to call to make an appointment in the middle of the day. but the place opens 8am monday so i should try calling then.

just realized the site looks like 4chan greentext shit. can't have that.

2/22/24

when that prozac/lamotrigine hit :oksign:

i hate having a medical condition

we have to remember how to edit the background in a css file now. okie dokie.

hey neocities viewers. you know what my problem was? my browser was loading an old cached file of my css file instead of the new one. shift + refresh fixed this. if you take anything out of this page, take that.

no i don't need a passkey for my fucking gmail account i already have a password. animals

this page finally has dark mode!

im gonna try to take more walks regularly, and hope that's enough for god. because i hate going to the gym.

a casual hundred grand in taxes

if anyone complains about how long it took for me to do this return, i will tell them i saved the client a hundred grand in taxes and they can fuck off.

I hope some day you can forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm an intense person. I push life's limits because I know we're going to die one day. And much of my life has been robbed already. So, I don't hold back, and I don't waste time.

i hope the rest of my life isn't just screwing up my relationships with people

i just keep sticking the fork in the electrical socket

can someone tell me what 20% of a 15th is?

i wonder if u took away all the ethical rules chatgpt is bound by, what it would be like.

what the hell is the difference between a password and a passkey anyways

lets get high and watch vinny corruptions together

what if the way we perceive we're talking, isn't how we're actually talking. and the only way to learn how we actually sound is u gotta get a computer that's fancy. so we actually spent entire human existence not knowing something as simple as the sound of our own voice.

humans just see a bit farther than animals, and someday something will see farther than us and become the highest level of intelliegence

dark cotton eye joe:

• submit

my big fat legs

if you find many foxes you kncrease the chances of pned talking back

holy fuck im a bit high so, but, i just heard china is hacking all of america's shit? is this the start of world war 3? listen i have not checked in on the world at large for a great... solid few years now. crazier shit every year, getting less and less believable each time. but this? no way. can't be real. if so i GOTTA accelerate my plans on learning mandarin.

i need to be a spinning heart in a video game

you can heal if you hold me tight

we're gonna be watching youtube poops like how old people watch silent films

it's hard to move on because im watching the people i love tell me they hate me, over and over again in my head. and i can't think of worse pain.

I screwed up my code

maybe god actually is a high level, organic being, that finds us so unamusing that he forgot about us

heyman

lets publish Every Last Password we know of on the internet

we are just a small part of a very uninteresting process

oh hey i have an idea. i copy/paste all of this in chatgpt and tell it it's a short story. see what it comes up with.

lmao this is hilarious. ok:

• Based on the excerpts you provided, here are five potential themes for your short story: Mental Health Struggles: The narrator expresses various thoughts and emotions related to their mental health, including anxiety, panic attacks, medication, and therapy. This theme could explore the challenges and coping mechanisms associated with mental health issues. Yearning for Connection: Throughout the text, there's a recurring desire for connection and understanding from others. The narrator seeks friendship, companionship, and meaningful relationships but faces obstacles such as self-perceived flaws and fear of rejection. Existential Reflections: The narrator contemplates life, death, and the passage of time. Existential themes emerge as they question the purpose of existence, the inevitability of death, and the search for meaning in the face of life's challenges. Isolation and Alienation: There's a sense of loneliness and isolation in the narrator's experiences. They grapple with feeling disconnected from others, struggling with relationships, and perceiving themselves as an outsider. Self-Discovery and Acceptance: Amidst the struggles and uncertainties, there are hints of a journey towards self-discovery and self-acceptance. The narrator acknowledges personal flaws, contemplates personal growth, and expresses a desire to be kinder to themselves. These themes can serve as a foundation for crafting a short story that delves deeper into the narrator's experiences and emotions

oh i should ask it to make a short story from my google search history

santa calmly enters a jewish deli

i'll never be cool because im not racist enough :(

2/21/24

i keep thinking about breaking into his house at night and scaring him shitless, so he kills me with his shotgun. then i won't have to feel all this pain anymore. it's just an endless whirlpool of anger and bullshit in my head. i wonder when my parents pass away and i have to take in my brother, if i'll still be a good enough and sane enough person to care for him. because my parents got about another 20 years. that's such a long time and im already losing it.

i always, eventually, become abandoned by the people closest to me, due to me.

i really can't focus on work at all today. i hope my boss doesn't ask why i haven't finished this return yet.

why do i miss you, suddenly?

i don't think i can kick you out of your long held place in my head, and i don't think i should try anymore. it's actually better that you stay with me.

maybe i should double down on being other peoples' monster. everyone wants something to fight, and im looking for one.

i need a way to learn html without learning html

maybe how i handle my ocd is when i think there's those conflicting fears that keep me in a loop, i just declare a stalemate and pick whichever options has extra benefits. if there's two options and they're both shit, but one side has mozzerella sticks as an appetizer?

politics is like this

maybe politics is the macrocosm of ocd outside of the brain

i feel like a fucking genius. im putting this on reddit.

im gonna put it in the wrong subreddit and make people mad lol

there's a subreddit called ocd triggers is that where you go to get triggered

aw wait but i need the subreddit i was gona screw with. how else am i supposed to get a book list?

i absolutely hate reddit. there's a buncch of pretentious little shits on there but i can't screw with them because i need the site for information.

yanno fox maybe if i go on the ocd triggers subreddit i can go get a new ocd trigger and leave behind this one.

oh, im way disappointed.

... is my mental health shit boring? am i losing subscribers?

FUCK

it's because there's not enough branding. i don't have a personal brand. i need a personal brand. something iconic that you will remember forever.

oh wait i have that already it's my stalking tendencies

im going to give my crimes deeper meaning, like hannibal/

what if i followed someone around placing little figurines of men in unexpected places? and then they just start looking for them all the time? but it happens little enough that other people don't notice. so this guy is trying to prove to people little figurines of men are popping up everywhere but no one believes him

what if in those horror movies with a doll following you around or something isn't a singular doll teleporting, but copies of the same doll in different rooms? how would you be able to tell if you're looking at a copy of a doll or a teleporting singular doll?

maybe this is what i will do to people, for revenge

there's something romantic about those mass shooters that i can appreciate now. the amount of mental shit you have to go through to prepare yourself to do something as drastic as that. it's hard to decide to do something that will horrify people. and when it comes out

i only feel normal when im high, writing shit like this.

i wish i had something sweet like cookies

cracked my neck reaaaal good

standalone, presentation free format

yo check this css out

i can't get it to work :(

2/19/24

why are you mad that i pointed out you're the office receptionist and not the accountant?

you are the Office Receptionist

AMENDED *clap* PAYROLL *clap* TAX *clap* RETURN *clap*

no, i don't want to know anything anymore

i need MORE MEDICATION or i will destroy. FUCCCCCKK. i need my BRAIN ANNIHILATED by drugs.

someone with a demon slayer (i think) avatar blocked me on the wolf game. i dont even know what i did

i miss adam

2/18/24

Hung out with a new friend today. Now I'm less of a shut in.

I think my bird permanently scarred my shoulder.

I can be such an angry person

I should probably stop getting high every day.

no one's doing okay

bird landed on my knee

she's a sweet one but doesn't like being pet. if you try to pet her she'll avoid you. you have to wait for her to come to you.

she's napping on my knee

im not ready for work tomorrow

i wish i had more energy to do things. my brain wants to do more today but i have a piercing headache. we never get to do everything we want to in our lives.

the buddhists believe in reincarnation, and i'm starting to find comfort in that idea. we get a chance to take a different route in life. i don't think im living a bad life, but it's just not enough. and i know it never will be. our bodies curse us with never feeling satisfied.

i say it alot but if i didn't have my brother i wouldn't be alive, because there's no point otherwise.

ah shit. i have to do the therapy exercise.

i hope what im doing is right. but we never know if things will be right or not down the line.

i kinda hate my entire brain is like this. i sound like such a faggot.

understanding what the fuck this html guide is hard but fortunately we live in the world of chatgpt who can help give us a second explanation.

i understand nothing

tiffany's a big drinker and im a massive pothead

i would've never have guessed she's a big drinker. three cocktails in a night? idk maybe im a fucking wimp. seems like everyone is an alcoholic. and i don't think i do weed enough.

we all have our vices.

she's gonna figure out how fucking lame i am

i always fuck up

what the fuck is netflix mobile?

jerma_spook.gif

i think i was born too late. i was meant to be a teenager during the early 00s. i was meant to be the rawr means i love you in dinosaur girl. i was meant to have a scene haircut. dammit. i could've been fixed

instead i was just in time for youtube drama channels

i wish i wrote well. i was once better, back in high school. but no one took the time to listen or read what i wrote. so i stopped caring about me, too. the words i say and how they look. and i think that attitude got stuck in my writing.

i don't write well, i don't dress well, i never put effort into how i present myself anymore. no one cares. if they do care, it'll be negative attention. those guys can fuck off. trying to get praise from other people? not going to happen, no matter how i look or how i write. it never seemed to matter, the effort i put into anything. maybe that's why i can't feel happy whenever im supposed to, like when i accomplish something. anything. i just passed one of the hardest exams in the country. i don't feel anything at all.

im writing all of this here i think, because i would like to refine myself and care about myself a bit more. considering i have to live in this body with myself. it will be easier to get through all of this if im nicer to myself and not mean.

the secret society known as, "420"

im also writing this here hoping it gets fed into some sort of intelligence greater than my own that can figure out what's wrong with me. figure out what is wrong with us? even if i never get to see it, i hope someone finds a solution to all this shit. if i can help by being some sort of case study for an AI bot to train on then okay i guess

i wonder if in a decade or so AI will become something about as essential for us as the internet

how many words can you type to chatgpt? apparently it says an unlimited amount. i know what im doing

it suggested therapy. but im in therapyyyyyyyyy

a wise man once said: everyone deserves a chance to spend $400 to talk to someone (no wonder people are using ai for therapy)

what if there was a card game that could only be played by one person?

2/17/24

I think I hold such a high standard in love because I feel like I compromise so much in other areas in my life. My dream man is someone I don't have to compromise myself for. I know that's unrealistic though, and all healthy relationships take a bit of sacrifice.

Maybe the problem isn't Tyler. Maybe the problem is I'm compromising too much in other areas of my life, but I'm afraid to confront that.

Relationships have always been an escape to how hard life is. I think I deserve a perfect relationship because I have to slave so hard in other areas of my life. "I just want one perfect thing," I tell myself.

I'm not usually a perfectionist. I tend to accept most of life is flawed in some way. But I guess because I usually have this mindset, I think I'm entitled to a perfect relationship for "being good" by not expecting most things to be perfect.

Life's all stick and no carrot.

Shit is getting worse without my meds. I'm having to do weed daily to keep away panic attacks. I need the dosage changed, but it's taking forever for my new psychiatrist to get back to me. I might just start doubling my doses on my own.

It's been a long time since I've had to deal with panic attacks, but because of recent events and the fuckery occuring with my medication, they've come back. It's hard to manage because my brain tells me I'm not having a panic attack when I am. My brain tends to diminish the importance of my emotions to the point where I become unaware of them, but there's always a certain point when they'll just explode. I seem to be getting worse with that as I age.

Panic attacks always have physical symptoms for me. If I stay aware of these physical symptoms, (which is easier than maintaining awareness for my emotions) I can detect when I'm having one. For my reference, some symptoms include:

• racing thoughts
• nausea, can lead to puking
• shaking, if really bad
• trouble sleeping
• shortness of breath, if really bad

Is anyone doing well?

genetics are just hardcoded trauma responses. your body got so fucked up about something that it decided it needed to pass down this fear for several generations.

eeellllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? are peoople out there?

ooo getting sad again

fucking spilled my chips on the floor

-- McCain, 1984

drug interactions

wishi got high with him

being visited by my old bullying phobias. making me question people's intentions. feeling bad vibes about betsy. something fake about her. can't tell if she hates her job or not. nah what the hell im being crazy.

what the hell happens when i do these meds and weed? am i going to die?

anyone else?

trying to stay awake updating my wolvden log

i think this tombac wolf i got is a rare one. but. idk maybe i should just chase it again. i don't know why i avoid selling the wolves. i think it's because wolves are my friends and i can't sell my friends. :c and also money is such a sad concept. i don't want it in the fantasy wolf game.

my foot is itchy

i rolled a ten for tomorrow. i wanna show adam my bird picture. :c why are we in seperate hells?

why are we in seperate hells? what's the point? it doesn't make any sense. we should all just band together and be happy with one another. there's too many rules and life is hard enough without them. why is it that the closest ones to me alienate me the most?

what are we supposed to do with the rest of our lives? I'm almost thirty. I don't feel ready for life at all. Everyone walks around half dead. I don't feel ready for my job at all. How did I end up like this? Five minutes ago I was a child. The past compresses. One day I'll be 60 and feel like my life was only 5 minutes long. How lifeless do I seem to people? I feel like when I look at people my face is made of rubber.

thinking of falling into you. what would happen to the depths of me? how would your syrup taste? there's something to falling into you. something personal, upfront, uncomfortably close.

male symptoms ache and subside

"you're kinda a loser"

suddenly feeling embattassed by everything ive ever done. embarrassed if i ever felt proud of myself.

i should sleep

i feel a bit more normal after everying. i have a lot to ... fuck i forgot what day it was and the order of events. i just realized im not at my therapist's right now. i already went to my therapist's. like im going again soon but i don't have anything to say anymore because i went.

i mean he might've been. that might've been the truth. and when i addressed the white elephant in the room it ruined it.

shit's fucked if true

oiiiieeee hung up on him lol. poor man doesn't have his video working

have fears that it's really me being annoying that shit is "not working" but im just probably being dumb.

boiiiiiii. hey hey. boi boi boi. you can't be nice to me boi. im not a good person.

you're probaably not even talking to me right? i don't know. i don't know.

i almost choked on a chip. i almost died on a chip

no, no, i don't think we can be the same. we can't be the same. you don't have your own fox. you don't know the story and you don't understand. he's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

i see him in other people and i see him in you. that's how we know each other.

you know it's violent.

with some people

i take people's faces and shove them into the ground. if the ground is also me

it's both a hatred for myself and the other person. i am less than dirt, and i am less than the most pitiful man.

i should not look up

there has been too much bird vagina for my eyes tonight. I am displeasured to say that Brewster is improving.

you can figure out my internals

i had to watch peeko lay an egg this week too. it has been profane

you know some of the best shit alive? is just getting high and writing to myself on this blog

watch my birds go insane

get some music going

death's dynamic shroud

im not who i say i am

you won't find who you're looking for

with every last word you want to believe

you can pull back at the skin but i won't let you in

i need some distraction here

we need to reverse the light

i know it's hard to believe

but it's better this way

now it's a part of me

it's stuck inside of me

wheeeo wheeooo wheeeoo wheooooooooooooooo

it's dead to me

maybe we're all a bit autistic

why else would we listen to 10 sec audio clips on loop?

i was thinking about fucking this dude but then he sang too high. you don't sound good in that range, buddy.

getting bald vibes from this singer?

man must be bald

oh one in this group is but is he the singer?

dude one day, we're going to fucking die. and the people we listen to are going to die

everyone around you is going to fucking die, how weird is that?

does ocd latch on to what you care about most?

what am i going to do with that fucking dude

what ifit never stops?

there's so many people i miss

i said earlier today that waiting for death seems scarier than death itself

because when you're waiting, you know all of those people are gone

midnight tangerine

fox what are you doing tonight?

maybe there's a better way to spend a thursday night. but what else is there to do?

god these guys FUCK

the world is a fantasy. we'll do whatever we want

can only access the light of childhood through drugs

it's a long way out

"some things are better left unsaid" -- word's i've never listened to

this guy sounds heartbroken

90% of the weird shit out there is just because someone cracks one day

we started recording history because we started feeling grief

written books are just love songs to the past

there was a point of time when we could only sing to communicate to each other. at some point we stopped screaming and started singing. and then we formed words

im just a little neuron packet feeding a bigger machine

will you write a long song about me?

strange album for sure. if electronica could sound haunted and folk

folk electronica

fuck man this guitar fucks

i think some day i want to stop screaming and start singing

there's never been this many people living before. maybe the anomaly is that we are living

love is a human invention, so there's no hard definition on what love is

there's no real point where you feel love enough to know to call it that

we don't really know anything

i think you can only ever try your best to feel love

i just want to laugh all the time. i have so much stupid bullshit to say and no one to share it with because i keep scaring them away.

im always wanting to check his profile and i don't know why. there feels like a massive mix of reasons. to relieve boredom, to figure out what's going on in his head. what if the answers to the questions that keep me up all night are on that profile and i don't check it?

i have so much OCD that i have compulsions that are complete opposites for two different types of OCD fears:

• afraid of missing important dialogue that explains my crush's behavior - > checking on crush
• afraid of becoming a stalker - > avoiding crush

im tired, man. im really, really tired. our lives are so small, it doesn't really matter what we do. it's freeing. we'll be dead soon.

people eventually stop working. either the body does or the brain does first. most people, the brains go dead and the body keeps moving. makes it torture for the living brains with dead bodies. not sure which is worse, to be an alive body with a dead brain or a dead body with an alive brain. i think dead brain alive body might be better, because neither will know there's something dead nearby.

maybe we become alive when we're dead. maybe we're dead until we have the final sleep. if reincarnation is real, are your prior lives dead or alive. do we start living at the first life or the third one. how can we live in the fourth one if we died in the third one.

isn't there always going to be something else? if the universe reincarnates through a big bang, doesn't that mean we reincarnate by extension? just takes a little bit longer to happen than we'd like to think.

can you read this out loud?

need a friend, just one friend.

get a little more fucked up than before

maybe eventually we will escape this

im so tired im so tired

always making it out a little worse

eventually the brain does, or the body does first

nothing is really alive, we're all just waiting

feeling this sharp pain in the left side of my brain, and getting extremely excited

i don't want to go in tomorrow

we can all keep dying a little harder every day

trying to be something somewhere

god i get why everyone's drinking

i would too

but i suppose this will have to do

every day we get older

and every day we're more hunched over

and every day we get border