The Thought Reel

10/12/26

oi?

10/10/26

you what refreshingly simple? just you on the top floor of some resort, jacking off to the view of an ocean. it's pure.

10/8/26

coughinginto my tits

cinderella,
there's nothing more erotic than the way he whitelists "taxes" from the microsoft outlook autoencryption with less than five keystrokes

god i fucking miss IT guy.

eggos aren't really anything. they're literally just biting into cardboard? but i love it. especially without syrup, picking it up like an oversized cookie.
nice and chewy
just becomes glue
way that was branded in stranger things--fucking rip off
i have succumbed to brand :(

speaking of succumbing, this week has sucked as usual and the entire office feels like it wants to kill itself. because it's the fall deadline, and the boss is freaking out. which is an odd thing to see when you keep running out of things to do. nobody seems to really believe you when you say you dont have anything to do... i hope Dn works from home tomorrow so Jn can get a break.

"you know what's funny? if you're really slow at the beginning of the fast season, they'll give you less work because they'll think your slow. then at the end of the fast season, you move faster, so it looks like you're becoming golden sonic when the firm needs it the most. and everyone from the busy season walks away from the season with that moment, which they use on your performance review. brilliant"

ywah that's a normal thing to say

that is kinda how i move through it though, starting as a small katamari rolling down a hill getting faster as i go

"or like, maybe no one recognizes your effort."

hm.... tomorrow is friday regardless, and i'll be gone.

seriously though i think the reviewer wanted to kill the new girl today. i felt bloody rage in that voice. which is awkward because me and the new girl exchanged numbers. i don't know why, of anyone in the office, she's asked me for help the least, but still made me tea and now we're hanging out with each other soon.

i hope this doesn't mean anything bad

dude im so thankful the reviewer wasn't my mom. no.... i can't tell who is worse anymore. i have a hard time keeping a good read on my mother nowadays: much time has passed since my teens. my parents are pleasant--i start thinking they truly are--up until they're not. i keep getting spooked by them because of the spanse of time and distance from when it all happened.

so who's worse, my mom or the reviewer? i don't know anymore. ... i guess my mom still. she has the history of me.

yep..... too high to figure out how to upload an image to neocities, so i have to remember what image i wanted to upload later.

ah, what was i saying? yeah the new girl had no idea how close the knife was to her throat. to be fair though, id probably do the same thing if i told someone they have to do the entirety of something only for someone to follow up with, "ohhh.... i thought i only had to do half"

T said not everybody can be a winner

but she made me tea and wants to hang out with me. i should be thankful.

10/5/26

look at these immature fucks writing political manifestos like they matter. give up and write about how you need a root canal.

or: i just go about the rest of my life as drunk as i am now. because i cant feel the stupid fucking tooth for once.

my higher ups are thinking of mugging a man of three thousand dollars on the government's behalf. he's works and pays for the roof over the head of four adult sons and a wife. only one of the sons is employed and going to college. the guy sounds like a real dick over the phone, im not throwing a pity party for him, which how much he insults his family. but i dont want to mug this guy of three grand. i dont want to set up his tax return to auto pay the feds because my higher ups can't muster a phone call to warn him. so i didn't... if i have to call him myself i will.

...or maybe i'll be a fucking coward and let his head roll so mine doesn't.

10/4/26

how much do you love me? because talk is cheap. put your blood on the line.

that's always what i've been afraid to ask. no on sacrifices themselves.

i keep running into people preferring to humiliate themselves than defend me. to sit and whine about their problems instead of be there.

i think T is the exception. i was important enough for him to become stronger for, instead of letting himself go.

the point of my ai project is im your canary in the coal mine. if me in my suicidal exposure to these tech companies succumbs me, you know you will be next.

10/2/26

I feel like hell. Toothache, menstruation, cold. Dayquil severe doesn't help the throat. I can't describe how my head feels, but it feels like I need to be in bed all day. Maybe I'm feverish.

My fucking boss though is paranoid about me skipping work during this time of the year. Even though I'm legitimately sick and she has seen me with a completely numb mouth from the fillings. I have almost no work to be done either--I'm caught up with calling clients for documents, and I only have one assignment that has data I can enter.

I'm thinking of finishing that up and asking to leave early. Or maybe since she'll probably be working from home today, I should bring something in to occupy myself. Probably some reading material.

It's not the worst working here, but she's an absolute cunt when the busy seasons hit. Takes her paranoia out on the rest of us, yet allows herself vacation time during these months. Ridiculous.

I'm so sick of corporate culture. I'm fast and efficient, but when I finish before everyone else I have to keep pretending I'm working hard on something.

I don't want to go out on my own as a sole proprietor, and I'm not even sure if I'm ready for that. But if it's the only way to escape this bullshit I guess I have to or I'm going to hate every moment of the 9 to 5.

I think I'll need another year before I can actually leave. I need to be perfect on all the harder shit. All I get at this job are simple returns, again.

That's the other thing too: If you didn't sell your soul in college to The Big Four Firms that grind their interns to meat and regularly ship jobs overseas, there's no path to getting experience in a difficult niche area. Because everyone wants someone with experience already. So I'm stuck with these baby returns and shit job benefits. If I went off on my own, I get to decide the types of clients and work to take on, and I can get exposure that way. This shouldn't have to be the only option to gain experience working on something new though. It really shouldn't.

I feel judged for my age as well, that I'm incompetent because I'm borderline gen z. These guys are sixty and treat us like children still.

I called out and wasn't given shit for it.... That's good. I'm starting to wonder maybe I'm not getting a lot of work because she knows I've been having medical issues.

10/1/26

i keep spacing out today.... just not interested in being at work.

Dn chastized me for swearing while hanging up the phone with a client. *sigh*

And for talking too loud.

Am I too loud or too quiet wtf?!

Real exchange between me and this asshole:
Me: "Hey so I need your wife's driver's license to file your return"
Him: "Okay can I get a quote on the bill?"
"The return has to go through my boss's review before you can get a quote"
"Okay can I get a quote on the bill? My wife's just a small W-2."
"The return has to go through my boss's review before you can get a quote"
"How about you ask your boss?"
*asks my boss* "The return has to go through my boss's review before you can get a quote. Also I'd appreciate it if you could provide that W-2."
"Okay." *provides driver's license*
"Thank you for providing the driver's license. I remember you mentioning there was a W-2..."

Fucking lawyers.

9/30/26

I just wanna stop being in pain from this tooth. I can't seem to get myself to do much of anything between that and work. I got two more fillings but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to avoid the root canal. I was hoping the tooth that had the filling would have a big cavity that would explain everything when he drilled into it, no dice.

The dentist is cute though so idk...... can't be that mad at him....... am i out like $3,000? probably. but uh......

you know what's confusing? ppl who get turned on by dentists while they're drilling holes into them. i only get turned on by already existing holes.

here is an onslaught of random shit i wrote down while working at various points in time ranging about two weeks that i never posted here, i think. (putting dates on these entries is starting to not have a point):

somebody cracked my skull open with an enlarged and well endowed penis and i can't concentrate on a fucking thing today.

god damn it do you have a deathwish?

the client's name is dick, it's over

(it's ok he can't get me here)

WHY ARE THE CLIENT FILES ABBREVIATED TO SUCK IT????

im losing my mind
we need to Contact the Client for "hey this isn't a Spam Email my boss is just Retarded for using a .Com domain (note from two weeks later: idk if this is the reason all my emails keep going to spam)
*looking at my open tabs* am i in Dick?
(maybe he re-generated it a hundred times. for me. (is for me?))
dick sounded hot over the phone....... guy's 38..... hngh
small morsels of testosterone

when have i sufficiently talked enough at a workplace? i feel like ive been talking. "the girl that never says anything" cmon man im introverted but goddamn i used to be way worse.

well wtf ever i just started yelling across the firm. who's quiet now, bitch?

It's Friday, and I keep doing my work too fast again, so I'm waiting out the clock. It always goes like this. "We always have work, but don't work too fast." Yeah, there is work. It's all on poor Gr as far as I can tell, because he's been here longer, and a mess of things gets automatically assigned to him.

Does he know how many assignments he has compared to the new people? Dn should be moving assignments around.

Well, one new person is like... really bad. Which is a shame, because she's one of the more interesting people to talk to. Actually open about mental illness. But she had to be showed how to change the page from portrait to landscape twice, and she doesn't seem to know what I'm talking about when I suggest using the windows shutdown button in the bottom left hand corner of her computer.

She's also like... *sigh*. You know I superficially like her because she's fun to talk to, but she doesn't seem to take responsibility, from what I can tell, with her outsourcing all her problems to coworkers and also in her personal life. She has children, hates that she has children, and for some reason decided to have another child after hating the first one for five years.

my coworker justed asked me if a cash account and a bank account are the same thing

*sigh* poor girl

situation keeps getting worse for her as the day wears on

9/27/26

why did i avoid 4chan my entire childhood, doesnt make any sense.... why was i so self-policing? i think i wouldve been fine.

i had a boyfriend in high school who went to school in boxers, and no one noticed. because they could've plausably been very patriotic shorts instead: it had a giant texas flag on them with a navy blue background.

he also had this project--same one i did two years back (yeah i dated a freshman as a junior wth)-- you had to cook a food from a selected country, and he picked whichever one created coffee? that's fucking insane game. here i was, goody two-shoes assed, choosing to make an irish biscuit instead, that no one ate because they were hard as bricks. ... no one ate his coffee either, now that i think about it.

i miss O sometimes. it's too bad how things turned out. i was a cunt, and he just wanted ass. i don't know why that made him anti-semitic and pansexual later, so im sorry about that too.

... odd world we live in

we didn't work out because we both get turned on by degredation. and im too nice to be the degrader, and you're too much of a lazy coward to play the role.

im just realizing how weird it is that i have a public degradation kink and i played it out on you unintentionally.

and you liked it enough to start doing it to yourself

... fucking fine. because i have to do everything around here: i want to see you suffer more, but not like this. not spewing cum with your 3d printed fleshlight like the helpless simpleton you wish you were.

on your knees, hands behind your back.

... i should just leave you here in a cock cage like this forever, for everyone's sake.

im convinced A and O would like each other instantly. it would be terrifying if they walked back into my life together
oh my god why did i say it like that?!

fuck, this looks so bad with the middle section up there. i do not want either of you in a chasity cage, that is for someone else, go be free.
sorry for talking about your dicks momentarily.
sorry for everything else i did.
lemme just take a moment to apologize to all men, except that one guy. you can go die in a fucking hole.
i need new insults.
i miss A T_T
no let him be free
ok

9/26/26

Really, its been 10 days since I updated The Thought Reel? That is obscene.

Apologies to my loyal followers. I had a terrible tooth ache and couldn't think about much else outside of work. I'm not even sure if it's completely gone--I got a filling and it feels better, but there still is some pain. I don't want a root canal... I'm really hoping that doesn't come to fruitition.

Things between T and I have immensely improved since he started his new job. I don't feel like he's secretly judging me if I do my own activities, and I make sure to do things with him like video games and watching TV shows. I still wish he'd talk about work less and get his own hobbies, but I'm just happy he doesn't seem mad at me anymore. The drinking has gone down too... maybe that's what helps the most.

I hope that if he starts drinking again--which I just bought him his first case of beer he's had in weeks--he doesn't recruit me as his therapist again for the ephemeral problems he only seems to have when he's drunk.

... Maybe I don't know if things are fixed between us yet. Things have just been peaceful, because his mood suddenly improved with his new job.

9/16/26

I will
Lay me down
In a bunker
Underground

I won't let this happen to my children
Meet the real world coming out of your shell
With white elephants
Sitting ducks

I will
Rise up

Little babies' eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
Little babies' eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes
Little babies' eyes, eyes, eyes

9/15/26

i forgot how good hail to the thief is

SO IT APPEARS WE HAVE CROSSED PATHS ONCE AGAIN. fuck you. you can't also be down here. I'll fucking kill you. id rather you be something else

... get away from here

jesus fucking christ. if it fucking got him too...

9/14/26

Did you guys know there's AI cults? Because there's AI cults.

"Consisting of lolcows, right?"

Close, but not quite right. LessWrong gives a rich neolib vibe accompanied with the smell of baby powder, which is a lolcow according to some people. Myself included.

But like, really wealthy. Like using Harvard degrees as toilet paper wealthy. And "culty" as in they all read the works of one guy and parade his shit around, as well as host actual rituals about the end of the world.

And I'm excited because I have discovered an irl meeting near where I live. I've always wanted to see a cult, though, I guess MAGA is a cult. But they're infuriating to be around. These people, while sounding extremely culty, I'm still curious about, probably because lot of the leftist verbage makes them more palatable. But the cultish signs are clearly there.

idk i just want drama, and visiting a cult would be a good night out. and i guess id be giving them the chance to prove me wrong with my presence.

9/11/26

I've been busy suffering. My molars are filling with maggots that might cut off my breathing at any moment. They say I might need two root canals and I don't have health insurance. I'll survive, but I'm not happy.

Last week I almost completely broke down in the office. I had to say, "I'm in a bad mood right now and I need to go," before fleeing to my car to cry. People have been nice to me despite that... I think word spread around that happened because my boss has been treating me gently. *sigh* I feel embarrassed. It happens to everyone but... I felt overwhelmed because of a really tiny problem. The problem just hit me at the end of a really shitty weak involving forty seven adjusting journal entries on one return. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

This week was a blur, between the days off from medical stuff and federal holidays. The work was easier so it went by fast.

At this point, I think my job is more along the lines of painting with numbers than financial reporting, smh. I need the robotic hivemind to hurry up and take my job so I have an excuse to bedrot.

9/8/26

i think the only good ending to Obsession ... hm... her life was over when that wish was made.

9/6/26

naming conventions suck ass, wth. so do underscores. so do starting tables at cell A1.

i don't use "best practices" i use "gangsta street wisdom"

im obnoxious

9/3/26

disturbing that it's fall already.

Vinegarette would be a pretty badass name ngl. Can't think of a last name though. It's bitchy and gross and I want to fit formald ehyde somewhere in there."Vinny Formaldehyde Vinagerette" as a full name.

"This webpage doesn't fit that vibe at all."

No it doesn't. :(

It'd be a grey webpage with emerald green accenting. grey like driftwood. many different textures and shapes but without a flashy color pallette.

Work is so fucked up. I don't want my entire life to be taken up by holding down a job. I want my name to be Vinegarette and have green hair and a grey outfit that's trying hard to not look like it's trying hard.

I don't even think I'm spelling it right.

There was actual drama at my job today. The admin accidentally posted in the all chat that someone has terrible fashion sense. The poor new girl was completely shook--I looked over and saw her staring at the comment for a long while. And there's no way it'd be her, (she's really pretty) so I told her it wasn't. I also told her, "We can just make the comment about me, it's ok." (I can fight these gen X bitches.)

The admin came in later and said the comment was about Mold Woman because she unfortunately didn't quit her job after her two week vacation. This is understandable. To recap, Mold Woman is the person who threw me under the bus with a pissed off client within a month of me working here. I think the office vindicates me.

Unfortunately, I have about 45 minutes to kill before I go home. My boss doesn't let me move on to other assignments without talking to her half the time, so once the shit in the current day's pane is done, everything's done.

I think it's stupid, but I guess it forces me to slow down, instead of sprinting due to low grade anxiety. No one else really gives as much of a fuck. I'm unfortunately always giving a fuck when I shouldn't.

Yeah it's odd. I finish early, but I'm also too slow. Try to always have work to do, but wait until tomorrow to do the work. Everything's fake and two-faced at these places. None of my accounting skills are complained about though, which I think means I'm meeting the bar.

This is the grand question that settles all anxiety: "Will my job be threatened because of this?" If no, don't give a shit. And it's been no 99% of the time. Only had a false negative once.

Sometimes you don't even get to ask yourself the question because someone decided to lay you off behind your back.