Old Reel - Fall 2024

O Gothmas Tree,

O Gothmas Tree,

I'm going to a bar tonight with friends, and I don't feel like going, but since I invited Tf I have to go. I'm the only person she knows there. It's gonna be T, Je, Tf, and I.

I sat in front of my depression lamp just now to prepare. It's still stupid to me, sitting in front of a lamp for 30 minutes expecting it to change you. It felt like there was sun on my face though, maybe. Or maybe I'm falling for some placebo effect.

80 hours into the tower defense game I picked up, and I'm still on level 2.

damn it my hands are shaking.

i think the last time i invited multiple people to an outing was in high school, my junior year? i invited my friend group to the movies, and i suggested four movies. each friend had seen at least one of the movies, but the fourth movie no one had seen:

...

Madagascar 3

No one wanted to make the call on the movie we should see, because, god, they were just fucking like that. Get themselves twisted into knots whenever they had to make a decision on something, like if they chose wrong it's the end of the world.

So I fell on the sword and made the wrong choice for everyone. Madagascar 3, because no one had seen it. I thought it was the fairest choice because of that.

They all hung up the group call.

And I don't think I ever arranged a group thing since then... its been twelve years.

Having a special needs brother will fuck up your perception of how much of a social faux pas it is to suggest a children's movie to 15 year olds. J has children's movies and shows blaring in the house 24/7. Watching the same scenes over and over again, or maybe just the THX logo appearing at the beginning of the movie. I used to know a lot of obscure quotes from children's shows, and the plots of them like the back of my hand. P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. If Jeopardy was solely about early 00s children's shows and movies, I'd be a millionaire.

I'm rusty on the quotes now, but I'll learn it all again. :)

Anyways, you know 15 year olds aren't into children's movies, and you definitely aren't either, having to be around it all the time. But it wouldn't be that bad to suggest one, right? It's just to get outside and do something together.

Nope.

I remember telling A at one point I was in marching band in high school. "I'm sorry, but yeah, you would've been in marching band," he said, ribbing me. And I can almost hear him now, saying something similar about this story.

Yes I would've been the dumbass that suggested Madagascar 3.

God. I could go on, but I have to go. Idk if writing this helped at all. I don't think it did.

Anyways F, what the fuck do you have to say about that? You knew me at the time. Did it not click in your head that my life was really like this despite me telling you? Fucking dumbass.

Despite my inebriated babbling yesterday, I did have a good thanksgiving. The food wizard cooked a turkey in three hours. He really likes spoiling me on holidays, and there's not much I can do about it. I've tried fighting it for years, insisting on doing something to help him. I never get far, especially since he sniped doing the dishes yesterday.

Most of the yesterday was spent playing vidya and watching The Sopranos. I'm still waiting for my books to come in the mail. T and I also spent the day listening to music on the CDs I bought, and letting the birds fly around the living room. Rivers of Nihil sounds amazing on speakers. Totally different experience versus listening with headphones. I have high hopes for metal sounding wonderful in general on that CD player now.

I just had a flashback to my Mom's extremely tiny purse hanger that was on the closet door growing up. It was honestly just a hook that you can hang anything on. She started screaming at me one day for hanging a jacket on it.

I'm not much of a Black Friday person, especially going out to the mall on a day like today. I've been waiting on my paycheck to come in to go buy new shoes though, so I have no choice but to venture out into the craziness of Black Friday.

What am I thankful for?

I don't think it needs to be said, but I'll say it anyways: I'm thankful for T and our marriage. That I was lucky enough to meet a good man who, quite frankly, is the only man that has treated me well. Ah that's not true, there's men I've been acquainted with that dipped in and out of my life. But he's the only one I've gotten close to that's treated me well.

I wish I was better for him. I'm not good enough for him.

I'm thankful for finally figuring out what the flying fuck was wrong with me; my dissatisfaction in our relationship. Even though I'll likely struggle with it for the rest of my life, it's a lot better now. I can't believe dropping porn helped me out so much with that. I still feel fucking stupid for it.

I'm thankful that we can have a quiet, laidback thanksgiving. With my family, everything was a high-strung shitshow. I'm not used to holidays being relaxing.

I have to get ready for the rest of the day.

Can't shake the stupid sad headache I got, but I got the shoes. (I get headaches when I feel like crying, but can't.)

the gargoyle is back again.

i don't know where the day went. i mean, i had a full day, full of things to do. T and i were with each other the entire time. got shoes, went for pizza, watched the sopranos. it was a good day

some cloud over all of this in my head though. getting visits from the gargoyle at night. the one with the rat's tale and a horse's body or whatever. dog's body? and a boar's head.

the monster keeps me up at night, making me wonder about more. MORE. where's all this going ? i ask it. i ask until it's 3am in the morning, until im too exhausted to plea anymore. i go to bed without any answers

im exhausted, with politics. ive been disconnected from it since trump won the first election, doing the bare minimum, phoning it in. it's been because ive become jaded, and as a result, disconnected. but now im worried, fearful, and angry, and i want to do something about it.

happy thanksgiving

so im sittin out here watchin the so prah nose and this singing bit comes on. just this little girl singing, his daughtah. and im like "waow i really do think everything i listen to is amazing while high"

ur thinking about IT guy. idk, i dont think it would be a good idea to get sent to HR and get your life thrown away. what, and you want IT guy to be in on it? you don't even know the dude.

aw i said i wouldn't do this no moare and im here again

i should say something about thanksgiving, shouldnt i

"who gives a fuck about christmas"

yeah i dont know why im all horrified of that sober. im not even christian

something about it tho

christmas is synonymous with VALUES, deep down, in the subconsciousness of my head. even though its absurd.

oh, no, it's because a republican said that though, isn't it? what, you wouldn't be horrified if it came out of the mouth of some emo fuck. you'd be turned on.

what the fuck is up with that.

lol so everyone here reading this is probably think i want to fuck the dude. i just want to call him a faggot. life is all about the simple pleasures, really.

why do i project wonderful things on to men i barely know? what is it with having a blank state. men who haven't crystalized into something shittier, yet. what does that mean about me?

it means im a jackass and a hypocrite

something really shit about being human is watching shit grow around you. we see this pattern time and time again: fabric is sown into a sweater. wood become fire, iron becomes brass. this happens all the fucking time around us, by our own hands. but we can't get it that way with people

it doesn't really make much sense, that everything else in the world can get fixed by butting your head into it, and then this, people, are different.

the soprahnose. you can tell they got boob permission in the second episode.

Me to me: "You're insufferable"

"You're actually insufferable. do you hear yourself? what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Everything

yeah i should really talk about thanksgiving.

can you really say your brother is getting cared for? what if theyre not. what if they try to hold on to him longer than they can mentally handle it?

i went on a hike when i last tsaw them--may parents. J has a flakey left ear, red, an ear infection i think. i tell my mom "hey. something's wrong with his ear." and she talks to him about it. he gets all flustered because J gets embarrassed about skin picking and the ear is an extention of that. hence its flakiness i guess. mom says thank you for pointing it out, because he wouldn'tve.

next day. my mom says, staring at J's head looking for the flakey ear, "hey, im looking for the skin thing going on with his ear this morning. but it's gone! i guess it got better."

and yes, staring at his head. head held in her hands like a basketball. you know he's 29, right?

tilting one ear up into her face, the left faced me. the flakey ear. she forgot which ear it was.

i wonder if the ear's still like that. did anyone ever notice it again after i pointed it out? my dad or my mom? im afraid to ask, but it pops up in my head every once in a while. popped up because i also have a flakey left ear right now, and it's been here a while. (doesn't hurt) but i'll get it looked at when i visit a doctor again.

J doesn't know when to visit a doctor.

it's like my parents are already suffering dementia or something. i can't describe it. they're in their early 60s

a few years back, i was visiting my parents where i grew up. i rolled up to the front lawn, and the two light up reindeer they put out for christmas were fornicating.

how long were those reindeer like that before i came home?

when i was in high school, there was a knife stuck in the tree in the front lawn. mom's knife to attack a neighbor's great dane with if it tried to attack our dog. it just stayed up there for a while. i don't know, maybe over half a year?

how many times did my dad walk past the goddamn knife and not notice it? only when i made a joke about it, he saw it and took it down.

why are they like this?

I always assumed my parents' ability to care for my brother. you think that about your parents, the titans that they are, that they can take care of shit forever. loved or feared like gods.

I'm gonna detox from the internet and vidya for a while. Not completely, but I'm gonna cut it back. I keep staying up late, staring at walls, lost in my head for hours. I used to do this all the time as a kid. I don't think I was happy while doing it.

Though, I'm not sure if that'll help. I'm not sure if watching my diet and exercising will help. I feel bleak. I feel drained. I'm tired of trying to be a ray of sunshine for other people, but especially for myself. I'm tired of trying. I want to sleep forever.

The dieting an exercise will help physiologically, but not mentally. I know this. I only want to keep it up so I won't come out of this in mid January and start over with it all.

I really hope Je doesn't take me up on that offer. This weekend I'm going to a bar, but after that I don't want anything to do with people until December and January are over.

The internet's been pissing me off too. I don't understand why some men have a problem with women working a highly educated, stereotypically masculine job for a large salary. We're not bothering anyone, and we chose this life with our own free will. If we were stressed or miserable, we'd quit. You can't assume how other people feel about their jobs if you don't talk to them.

I also don't understand why women have to be married to doing only completely masculine activites or completely feminine activites. Before I go to work, I sometimes put on makeup. I sometimes put on a dress. This isn't a betrayal of my urge to feel masculine; I don't have an urge to feel masculine. I own a suit for work. I play male-dominated video games when I get home. This isn't a betrayal of my urge to feel feminine; I don't have an urge to feel feminine.

Ultimately I embrace freedom; to do what you want to do, regardless of our cultural rules, and especially regardless of gender roles. You can try to guess at what people secretly believe about their lives, what goes on internally in the mind of women and men. But people will see you as a jackass for it; no one likes it when you assume things about them. They'd rather you listen to them, and believe what they say about themselves.

*deep sigh*

I should put a pride flag on the front of my website. Good deterrent for dipshits.

Something's up with Peeko... I don't think she's getting enough calcium. I picked up an egg today, and it crumbled in my hand. I gotta go buy her old grit at the store, because I don't think she likes the new stuff. (Grit is a calcium supplement for birds. It can also be for other vitamins, (iron?) but Peeko is picky, so I'm getting her the pure calcium one she's used to.)

Also I've been puting less vitamins in their water because I though the fake sunlight lamp would make up for it. I'll put those vitamins back.

I've been watching her in her cage a few feet away from me. The door's open, but all she's doing is sleeping. I don't know if she's coming down with something or not, because she still does healthy bird things like beak smackies, preening, and playing when I get closer to her. I'll just have to watch her.

I think that's all I have to say.

the depression

Slow, empty day. It seems like most people at work are feeling lazy.

Still, I felt a lot of anxiety in the morning, because I know there's clients that need estimates prepared for the 12/15 deadline, and it doesn't seem like anyone's assigned to them other than me. Yet, no one's given me an order to do them. I asked the partner to look over the list I have of people I think we need to do estimates for. Who knows when/if I'll hear back from him, but as far as I'm concerned, I did my due diligence in this matter, and can chill the fuck out a bit.

This weather makes me want to do 0 exercise and 0 dieting. I'm gonna spiral back into the state of health I used to be in. I just feel really tired. I slept until 8am, which sounds normal but I usually wake up in the morning with T at 5:30am. I've been doing that a lot.

I will try to exercise more, during thanksgiving break.

... I'm not excited for thanksgiving. I just want to be left alone.

......... I feel gross. I feel like a slug on hot pavement in the summer sun.

im sleepy, but i dont wanna sleep. my legs hurt from not working them enough. ah, that game ive been playing--i should probably give that a break for a while.

im thinking of buying a bunch of paperback books and reading, just to have a break from the screen.

haven't showered in a few days either...

meh..........

i don't want it to be night. i should really order all that stuff and get my shit together.

i don't even know what to read...

lies; i have one thing to read. but i need more to read.

i think i want something depressing to read.

i need a break from all the strained. whatever the fuck this is.

...

alright. choices:

• flowers for algernon
• of mice and men (2nd read)
• all quiet on the western front
• a clockwork orange
• the road (2nd read)
• the room - hubert selby jr.
• notes from the underground

it's probably gonna be flowers for algernon. might be notes from the underground. maybe i'll get both

i know im a part of bookbug. i've been discovering that reading is a more personal thing for me, in that it takes a lot of investment for me, so i like choosing what i want to read most of the time. but i do like looking at the suggestions each month.

Alright... so... a little bit of regret offering my help to Je. I'm nervous about it. Was this a brain dead decision I made because it's cold? I keep thinking, "Wouldn't it be nice if she doesn't take you up on the offer? Then you can look like a good person without doing anything."

(My actual self doesn't think that. I hate people who offer help hoping you don't take it, just to say they're a good person. My Mom is like that.)

Yeah despite the regret, I have to do this now if she accepts. I can't back out on her, not with how much torture is going on in her life.

And it would be extremely hypocritical if I did, considering my beliefs. I'm anti-natalist. I think there's enough children already who need to be loved, and aren't getting it. Je's situation, kids in foster care, etc. And they need help. If I don't help now, I'd be invalidating all I ever said and believe on that subject.

So we go forth.

Nothing else to say about today. 0 things. I need to do something with my life.

Je spent the night with us yesterday. We watched Simple Flips and got drunk/high. We were able to make her laugh a couple of times real hard, which she needed.

We talked about trauma and her ex and the situation with the children. There's so much going on with all that crap; it exhausts me to think about recounting it all here. I'm probably going to reveal bits and pieces of it to you every now and then.

Head's swimming.

I offered to stay with her and help with the kids. It feels like the right thing to do, and it serves a lot of positives for me:

• I've been reconsidering whether I want kids someday or not, and this gives me the opportunity to be around children and play Mom.
• I always feel guilt having a shit job that enables the rich, and I'm always looking to give back in some way. This provides that.
• Brother, there's no work to be done at work rn. It would give me something to do while I wfh.
• She lives right next to the train. My commute into the office would actually be shorter lol.

I know this about myself too: there's no way I'll get absorbed into this to the point I'm in over my head. I put myself first and protect myself, ultimately. There's too much hate I feel towards people in general for me to throw my life completely on the line for them.

There's also my brother, and T. Of all people, I'm ultimately here for them.

It's confusing: hating people, but also wanting to help them. I hate our society and people's selfishness, which means I hate a lot of people. But I see giving to others, even if your not sure if it will work out, giving them resources and stability even if it ultimately fails, a way to fight against our shit, selfish culture. The biggest problem with people is they don't want to risk themselves for others. They won't give. Companies and the rich would rather create ways for them to stay on top forever, instead of accepting the risk of their decisions of investing in a smaller company, and watching it overtake you.

I'm wary of risk, of putting my faith in people that they will work for good if I invest in them, but at the same time I know taking those risks is the only way our society can become human, become compassionate, instead of acting like animals fighting over bones.

I don't know if my words heres make sense. I tried though, putting these thoughts down.

Weekend is already over. Feels like a blur.

Weekend is almost over, and I'm sick on all the fucking dairy I ate. I've been eating terribly, eating things I shouldn't. Not exercising as much as I need to. Something about the winter and the cold makes me like this.

Getting visited by the gargoyle again.

I made a new page: Dear Ms. Kitty Sundae.

I did a lot of gae ming today.

I wish I had more to say but I feel too sick and tired to. And constantly parched, hell.

Things are getting worse with that one friend, Je. The ex bolted out of existence, putting up a cover saying she was going to visit the Cape. God knows where she is now. God knows how Je is going to make rent and afford basics for the kids.

I'd pitch in with money, but we already did that last year with a downpayment for her car. Two grand. What else can we do? We have good credit. I'm willing to throw my credit on the line so they can secure a cheaper apartment. A month to month lease would be less risk, because if they miss a payment, I'd just have to cough up a month's worth a rent. Which can be done. T has the better credit, so I don't want to use his. Overall my finances are better, but because of T's giant loan and consistent payments, his credit is very top notch.

Those are my ideas, to help them survive. I'm letting T lead the way on it though, because he knows her better, and my brain is wacky this time of year. It doesn't seem like he wants to put us financially on the line again for her. So, I guess that's how it's going to go.

We can do small things though. I have torrenting set up, and I can torrent shows and movies easily for her so they have entertainment. T know emulators like the back of his hand, so he can get them older games. Get her a steam game every once in a while too, and other things like that.

I just had the realization that other than Je being in the picture, the kids' situation is a perfect clone of Shameless. The Mom is crazy and disappeared, the father is a washed up drunk, and the eldest has to take care of everything. Terrible.

I ran around a bunch this morning. Investigated a shoe store near my home and HOLY SHIT the shoes are wonderful. I want to completely revamp my shoes and buy every single shoe I saw there. Real leather shoes under $200, most options were $100, and there were lots of shoes on sale under $100 that were still leather. I should've gotten pictures of some of the shoes I saw, maybe. Idk, I might look too weird in public doing that.

$100 sounds like a lot, and it definitely is. But to put this in perspective, I went to a JcPenny a couple of weeks ago, and the shoes were $100, fake leather, and none of them looked good. This store is a local business. Incredibly important to support your local businesses yall! Because they probably have higher quality shit anyways. :)

I'm waiting until next paycheck to get new brown shoes for work. Idk what the style is called, but they look something like this:

Hopefully the ones I get will be more ornamented. Maybe I'll get a brownish-reddish shoe if I can figure out what to wear it with.

Other than that, I went out to Goodwill and bought random long-sleeved shirts, since I have none. I don't care to spend much on shirts; they seem to fall apart quickly no matter what. (Thank you fast fashion.)

Oh, the wind is fucking insane today. It'll gut you. It's howling outside.

I save money that way: spending little on shirts so I can go ham on pants and shoes. I don't know how dresses will fit into this strategy yet. (I've been getting into sun dresses.)

And I got my car washed.

I'm sitting here wondering what to do next with my day. It's only 2pm. Often when I start writing in here, it's the morning, or at a time when I don't know what to do.

Idk, guess I'll have a coffee, listen to stuff on the CD player, maybe work on the site as I do so.

I was about to say the women at my job are nicer than the men, and I think that's still true overall. But I was just talking to this one woman over chat, and she's been pretty responsive to idle chit chat so we've been doing that to pass the time. (We're both recently hired tax seniors.) She has a kid, and I brought up my brother and said because of his disability, I'm not going to have children.

And she stopped talking to me. :(

This used to happen to me all the time as a kid, whenever I mentioned my family. Which further alienated me from other people. People would talk about their families, and go silent and give me a strange look whenever I brought up mine. On top of not being allowed to do anything at home, and so not having similar interests as other people, the status of my family further alienated me.

I've been thinking for a while that I used to get that treatment because we were kids, and my peers were just too immature to know how to respond to something like my brother. (I'm not casting shade, it's an adult subject and hardship alien to their lives.) But I didn't think I'd still get treated like this as an adult by another adult in the 21st century.

I'm trying to tell myself that maybe I'm overreacting, assuming things too quickly. Maybe she's just too busy to respond, suddenly. I can't help but feel incredibly depressed about it though.

I took a nap, which is what I do when something depresses me, when I can afford it. I woke up to a very kind and understanding message from that woman, and... I feel strange.

My bones are steeped in ancient fears, and move on their own.

I joined an art site, I plan on buying some art and adoptables and uploading them here, maybe. At some point. :)

I finally broke out the CD player I bought a few days ago. Listening to it in the bedroom, under the warmth of that lamp, is something else.

I forgot that I'm not supposed to have the laptop while getting high, but this means that A is becoming a smaller part of my life, and that I'm not as worried about my relationship with him anymore. Like it can be shit, and that's okay.

I had a lot of dreams about people at work. Talking and having fun. I guess I can't keep my subconsciousness from having high hopes about this job. Is it safe to indulge in it? Should I indulge in it? Should I accept these feelings? I don't think I've ever felt this way about random people before, strangers practically, that we'll have a fun time together if I put in the effort to make it happen.

I feared people for so long. I don't recognize the person I was in high school and college.

Is it the medication, or did I really change?

...

I feel like I should be more cautious, maybe.

Another extremely boring day at work with nothing to do. I should bring a book when I go to the office. Well, at least tomorrow I can stay at home.

I'm trying to busy myself with slides, but they're so boring. I keep daydreaming about women insulting me instead.

I wish F was a spammable entity. I could spam him but it's an arduous process that can't be accomplished in an office. Brother, can u make it easier for me? Pls? I'm so bored.

I need to stop getting turned on at the thought of men with porn addictions. WTF is wrong with me.

Degenerates turn me on, that's what's wrong with me. Abuse. Forcing someone into a porn addiction, me or him—

Ok brain stfu.

Though I wonder if it's possible to force someone into a porn addiction and give them erectile dysfunction as a result…

…

T, I would never do this to you, I’m just fucked in the head. As you know.

To me:
Stop thinking about riding dick.

God, not only is it boring, but it's cold.

yea i did nuttin at work today. get it? man, this entry is a banger.

today has been happy->bored->horny->anxious->happy->depressed

hell

i hate slow days

im not used to seeing eye makeup on me. it always looks like there's too much. and im not used to putting on bronzer. i need to remember to extend it to my ears

tommorow im wfh and imma hit this site more with cosmetic updates. maybe

i keep having anxiety about work though, it's true. i have so many questions about this job. its been almost 3 months and i havent been given much of anything to do. no one really tells me if i did well or not on the things i do, do. there's problems i forsee and the people i ask about it arent answering them for me. and there are other people im afraid to ask because im afraid if i mention it, i'll get saddled with solving it, and basically volunteer myself to do shit outside my pay grade.

sitting and waiting is hard.

i just need to chill out tonight. maybe stay up late doing vidya and edibles.

hey reader,

u wanna get pizza?

just u and me

smooch smooch

boob
boobs
boobiple
boobet

i came up with this because it doesnt make sense that two boobs, a pair, is boobs, and four boobs, two pairs, are still called boobs. the amount of boobs changed so shouldn't the word change as well!?

i really need to calm my ego down about my job. like everything is going to be terrible as usual what am i doing/

anyways it's story time. i thought about something just now that i haven't thought about in a whole while, as the visage of F kinda covered it up.

maybe that's the point of retraumatization: you can cover up the old trauma with the new trauma

anyyyyeewaaaays well actually first i think i went crazy when i was a teenager. that i was full on having strange delusions that were psychosis-lite, for lack of a better word. my therapist is like, "this actually happened as you say it did" but nah i don't believe her.

i believed that there was someone following me around on the internet, on a Website In Particular, creating accounts and making up new personalities for each of them. and i guess he was doing it to mess with me. uh. that's what i thought.

but there was like a whole tree in my head of accounts linking to each other, all controlled by the same guy. and i based it off of coincidences, writing style, patterns. i seriously don't think any of it was real, but back then it was all i could think about. and i was convinced, but i couldn't say anything, because it was so bizarre and i don't think anyone else on the site would've believed me.

i had to work really hard years back, to just swallow the whole experience and not bring it up again in my mind, because i was afraid of whether that paranoia would come back for a long time.

i think the thoughts finally went away when i blew up at F in 2020, but im not sure

and like i said, i think i made it all up. i was both very scared and lonely as a teenager. lonely in that i couldn't bear to watch friends forget about me online. before that website, i went 3-4 years without a single friend. bullied tremendously. for a long time i hated myself for feeling lonely. i said, "you should be happy with what you have. you should be happy that anyone stands in the same room as you. what, you don't like these people? you feel alone? fucking live with it. at least no one is bullying you for now. if you tell people you're alone and try doing something about it, you'll become a target. so shut the fuck up and take it."

that's how it was for 4 years, since the start of middle school. my brain was so focused on not appearing weak, that i would cover my face habitually when i laughed or smiled

and one day in high school, i discovered the internet. i was so sheltered, i hadn't been using the internet until i was 14-15? my parents never let me do anything. that was another reason why making friends was difficult, my parents wouldn't let me be interested in anything other kids liked.

i discovered the internet, and i found a chatroom in an online game. and i think the sudden introduction of people into my life made me become delusional. i was both very lonely and very suspicious of people, so i came up with this labyrinth of a tale about a guy who would leave and stop being my friend, only to reappear under a new account, and act like a different person.

i think i mentally had a stroke for a few years, while all that was going on, when i was on the site. i was frothing at the mouth over these thoughts. thinking constantly about them. but my therapist says it was real.

i don't believe her.

hwerro

The girl across the hall left me a letter this morning saying she wants to meet up. See? We tend to overreact to the potential judgments of other people. T was real happy for me for getting that letter.

Today's an office day, but I'm going to the one that's closer. Fuck, I really need to reschedule the tooth surgery again because of the training in two weeks.

WHY is there a pit of anxiety in my stomach? I should've taken a gummy last night.

I Will Not Open Bunny Furry Porn.

Yeah I got nothing to do at the office again. Assignment was ez. Hardest part was finding the files I needed for it.

I guess it's more continuing edu stuff for me. If I get nothing more to do today, I'm not going in tomorrow. Even though I’m technically supposed to. What's the point? They don't enforce the rule anyways.

I have to stop myself from scrolling out of boredom. Not sure why that's the go to for me as well as other people because there's nothing to see anyways.

A witty two liner. A sick burn. A joke alluding to mysticism. A political rant. A horny joke.

That's basically social media.

I’ve decided Gary Gorganzola should have a rat’s tail instead of a serpent’s. Fits him better.

So sad there's no one to talk about Gary with at work. FUCK. Thousands of years of genetic data encouraging social engagement, and then we industrialized. This IS hell. Tf did I do to get here?

A pink frosting texture would be cool for this webbed site, don't you think so?

I still need to figure out borderimg.

‘Kay I should really stop writing here. 3.75 hours left. I bet Jn is going to give me something at 4:45pm again. Bastard.

I got an eyeroll from my boss because I did something wrong, and had to redo it.

Shitty day.

I’m starting to not like him.

OKAY BUT he did say thank you afterwards when I got it done. :eyes: Redemption?

There has to be a better name than Gary Gorganzola. I feel like Gorganzola has been overused as a last name in my life some how.

We're getting take out tonight because T's friend is dying and hasn't eaten or slept in five days, because of a break up. A terrible break up. The situation is much worse than you can ever imagine. Do I feel like writing about it tonight?

Maybe... maybe not...

T isn't happy at all. His friend's name is Je. Je's been with a terrible partner for a very long time. The partner convinced her to take in the children of her drunk, jobless uncle, as well as the drunk, jobless uncle. And now her girlfriend is leaving after telling her to do that. This leaves Je with four children and a drunk uncle and no money to pay for anything. "Guess I can't be a Mom so I'mma head out."

"Why would Je take in those children when it'd be impossible to care for them on her own?" Je does everything her girlfriend tells her to do. The girlfriend gets everything she wants, and suffers no consequences for making stupid decisions that fuck up Je's life.

Je says she loves her. And so, all of this abuse is allowed to happen.

T says the girlfriend is really set on leaving, and I say good bye, bitch! But Je's going to be torn up for a long time. And god knows what will happen to the children. One of them is 18--the oldest. He could get an apartment, but who's there to guarantee the apartment? Je's credit is fucked from other instances of people using her like the friend who took out a car loan with her name and said he'd pay the bill, but didn't.

I feel so bad for her. She tries to be so nice and she gives so much, and people continuously abuse her for it. I haven't even shared everything. It's a massive pile of shit in a seven foot deep hole.

you ever wonder how many hours we're going to spend in traffic jams over the course of our lives?

i can't help but laugh

in the brief amount of time ive been here and gone, i was alerted that Je's situation is getting worse. apparently the girlfriend was the guarrantor of Je's car. and now she's like "well maybe i want ur car" jiorwjiorwjiowojirwjio

yanno i thought u were trying to break up with her, not get more entangled in her life and her shit???????? let the girl have her car man wtf

she has a job

im imaginging a pair of glasses. a large pair of glasses. with a nose, floating into an iphone against an orange sky. they are the size of skyscrapers.

seriously i need to find a book to read wtf am i doing. It's 8pm and i took half a gummy to ease up the anxiety.

we gotta kill the rich man, and introduce people to the department of labor, goddam. see, i KNEW about the department of labor in my youth--they saved me. they... they saved me.

we?

we?

no, not whee --- i can kill the rich man.

u don't think i can? u don't think IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII can? i can. there's plenty of things i can do that other people cant. do not not believe me. where the fuck do u think this reel comes from? can u write this many words with consistent daily stupidity? bet u can't

you know sometimes i lik e emotionally stabbing myself in the arms bc it's give my life a bit of spice.

.... right. reading a book to read.

It's 6 am in the morning, so it's time to sit in front of the happy lamp and meditate. Science is strange. Maybe these sittings will help me establish a practice, finally.

I got back from exercising, and ran into the neighbor I left the letter for. Considering she sped up when she saw me, guess she doesn't want to talk.

And people wonder why they're lonely. The overarching psychological calamity balls hard.

Though maybe she's just socially anxious like I am. Make no mistake: I am socially anxious. I just finally found the right mix of psych meds.

In regards to talking to work people, I'm keeping my head down today. If I'm constantly extroverted, people will find me annoying, I'd think.

It's times like these that make me want to read deeper, more philosophical books. They're a comfort during times where finding engaging conversation is close to impossible. Which is nearly all the time.

What the hell. A client's return is late because the admins failed to tell anyone it was signed incorrectly.

Stupid.

...

Okay it's not actually their fault because the client said his wife signed, but she actually didn't. Boss said they can send the return anyways so whatever.

Oh christ on a cross, is the new hire training I have to spend a week in Boston for solely about 1040s? Flay me with commuting expenses and boredom.

Well, it's most likely going to be another boring wfh day with nothing to do. I'm constantly sending emails looking for more work; I think everyone knows by now that I need work and I should just stop sending them. I'll try again tomorrow when I go into the office, so I can have something to do and not drive out there for no reason. Hopefully.

I started designing a new background for much of the website. I guess this green and black design is more of a template, something to style a page with until I can think of something later. I'm updating the template.

Cam out pretty well if I say so myself!

pssshhh fuck the office tomorrow if there's no work. GOD. They better not yell at me if no one's assigned me anything. This is exactly what happened at my first job out of college, and they fired me. I hope busy season is different than this... otherwise I might look for a new job again.

"If no one's giving you work just enjoy it. :p" -- half of the accounting subreddit.

This shit ain't right. Idk why our industry is like this, but it's not right. And it's not sustainable. There are plenty of people barely surviving working two jobs in America, and lets not forget the rest of the god damn world that can't have westie wages.

I got fired for pointing this out at my old job. So idk what to do now except give in so I can have a job.

Some day this is going to come to an end, and it's going to blindside the people in my industry. And they're going to be soft as shit when it happens, and form new rivers with their tears.

Second half of the day will be spent on continuing education slides. Today I'm reading about trusts, estates, and the 1041. Yay.

The night demon is visiting me again. How can I describe it... it's a painful ache in my chest, a deep sadness. But how do I visualize that? Some sort of small, cold animal. Creature. Look at it, and everything disappears around you. Maybe its eyes are pitch black. It seems to drain the light out of everything. The head of a tusked hog, the body of a starved, short-haired dog. Wings? Sure, it has demon wings. It has a serpent's tail.

I guess it's some sort of gargoyle. Seems it to me.

My friend the pig-dog-demon. Staring into me with dead eyes, and I'm locked into its gaze. Squirming for something better, but it doesn't come.

It needs a name.

...

...hmm

... Gary Gorganzola the Gargoyle

There's nothing to do at work today. And I thought Thanksgiving was this week instead of next week, which is a bummer because I want time off.

Idk, I could request Friday off this week. They kinda just let you do whatever you want at this time of year as long as you tell somebody. Something to think about...

Because today is really boring, I did a little bit of errand running. (Updating my bank account info, paying a bill.) I also wrote a letter to the people across the hallway because I want to get to know them. I believe I mentioned it before; I made them a little gift box but they didn't open the door after knocking a few times. So today I just slipped a letter underneath the door introducing myself. If they don't respond to that, I'll leave them alone. I just want them to know I exist, and don't mind chatting someday. They won't know that if I resolved myself to knocking on the door repeatedly.

I'm also texting IT guy and questionable office crush today. (The women I talk to have their busy status on, so I'm not bothering them.) I think I spooked the office crush by dropping the corporate act a bit. So yanno, I doubt he's gonna remain the office crush for long. (Did I tell you that he never goes a day without wearing a dress shirt?)

That's all. The birds are obsessing over each other because I took away their fake eggs, so no one is sitting in the nest for long amounts of time.

I guess I'm feeling okay, but the benadryl I took is making me sleepy.

I'm being lulled to sleep by The Fae.

I tried watching King of the Hill today, but I couldn't without getting depressed. These people rule our country now. There's nothing to laugh at; the whole thing is just a reminder to start preparing for the worst. All the fear in the air is getting to me.

Despite it not being true, I always feel like I'm going into the next day alone. I'm sick of feeling alone, and I'm sick of always trying to be independent and strong.

Ah, this is very off topic. I forgot to say: Seven hours after T and I got married, a long time friend of his had a breakup. They were both engaged for years. I saw it coming; the friend wasn't getting treated well at all by her girlfriend. I've been secretly wanting them to break up for her sake. But still, seven hours after our marriage? Weird.

We're not going to the museum today. It's too last minute and we don't want to be rushed.

Everything is so expensive. Buying wrist pads for carpal tunnel is $25. What's awesome is I'm finally splurging on the boombox I've wanted for my CDs. Sick shit.

Yeah alright, I'm feeling better today. Maybe.

It's finished >:)

I spent 7 hours today playing video games, eating frozen pizza, and drinking. Not a bad time! Not a bad time.

I want to do it again tomorrow. Work sucks. At least thanksgiving break is coming up.

I'm getting that screamy feeling in my head again, about having to work. I miss not working.

Bank account is going up, thank fuck.

It's another quiet morning, because T is out visiting his parents. Apparently nobody told his mother that we were going to get married. :/ T told his Dad, and he thought he would've told his Mom, but didn't. I feel bad for her. I don't know how she puts up with the bullshit from her husband. It's a basic parent thing to tell each other when your kid is getting married.

We're doing a wedding ceremony in May, and honest to god I'm mostly doing it for her, even though I don't really like her personality. (She's kind and well-intentioned, but activates every pet peeve in me.) None of her kids did the whole lets-go-dress-up-for-graduation-or-some-other-big-childhood-moment because the rest of the family didn't want to do it. But it's heavily implied she wanted to have these moments. She never asserts herself and so everyone ignored her.

I really hate these sort of celebrations, not only because my Mother turns into a psychotic bitch, but I don't like the attention. I have the strength to bear it one more time for his mother though.

I understand why she obsesses over Christmas now. It's the one family thing she gets.

Ugh, I'm fuming in my head over this.

Deep breaths, clear my mind... ruminating on this isn't going to help anything today.

My Mom is requesting wedding photos, errr.... we didn't get any, because an office isn't really too scenic, and it was cold and windy yesterday so posing outside wasn't an option. We're going to an art museum tomorrow to get photos. I'm kinda twisting T's arm into it, but both he and I know deep down that it has to be done.

To make it up to him, I'm doing a lot of the cleaning today.

I cleaned for a bit: the laundry that needed to be folded, clothes on the ground. I'm tired today. I stayed up late watching youtube and fell asleep to it. First time I've done that before.

Getting high is becoming less fun. I generate good ideas for art, but because I'm in a slump I can't act on them. So they're accumulating meaninglessly.

Video games are a lot easier than art.

Do you guys remember Peeko? I don't talk about her as much as Brewster, but she's been coming out of her shell lately. She's started greeting me with coos like Brewster does, and she tried landing on my head today, hehe. I don't know exactly what I did to make her more vocal and friendly, but she must be happy.

Nah, I'm not making it through all the chores today. T offered to finish it up. Bleh.

There's been some things I've been meaning to write in here about work, and the commute to it:

The homeless problem in Boston seems to be getting worse. Not the amount of homeless people, but they're more aggressive. I was in the subway the other day, and about twenty feet away from me, a homeless woman was screaming at random people. Trying to get in their faces. I don't know what she was saying; I didn't wait around to figure it out and moved away.

Right after that, a man walked up to me, stumbling around like he was high or drunk. His clothes didn't look like that of a homeless person, so maybe he wasn't homeless but a druggie of some sort. "Can I ask you a question?" he said. It took me a bit to say no; I grew up in an extremely sheltered suburb. (Round Rock TX and the rest of greater Austin is a corporate utopia in its on sphere of existence. If you know, you know.) I'm pretty bad at knowing what to do in these sort of situations. I used to be embarrassed about open carrying pepper spray around, but not anymore.

I don't think I've talked much about the other people at work, other than my office crush (question mark) and IT guy. Like at G's, people are a little bit screwed up, some more than others. The difference is they're in dress shirts.

At the Boston office, we got The Talker, Spinny, and Guy. The Talker has been the most helpful with training, but she will trap you in a conversation and never let you leave. And I don't think she really cares about what I have to say; she just waits until I'm done replying and continues talking. G was kinda like this, but he wouldn't try to trap you in a conversation. I mean I guess it's fine, until I start to wonder what I'm going to bill talking time with The Talker to, or when I begin to worry about catching the train on time. Or if I just want to work, which is often what I want to do at work. Yeah, I guess she's pretty anoyying tbh.

Spinny is this girl that spins around while you talk to her. (Is she stimming? Not an insult, genuine question.) She's nice and always trying to talk to people, but she doesn't understand any of my humor. Also she's kinda why-are-you-doing-it-this-way-when-my-way-is-clearly-better over trival matters such as walking to work vs taking the subway. She's alright though, I prefer her over The Talker for now.

Guy is literally just a guy. Incredibly chill individual that seems to have had a lot of experience with the other two. Nothing really sticks out about him though; he's probably the most well-adjusted of all of us.

I think the people at the other office closer to my abode are less socially crippled, but I've only been there a few times. They also seem to actually work so there's less opportunities to talk to them.

It's a hard knock life finding women to befriend here, so far. And I know these thoughts are incredibly judgmental. That's my Mom in me. Fortunately I think I'm good at keeping my mouth shut about them and not taking them seriously.

Spinny tells me something important about this place though. Clearly appearances don't matter much anymore if she can hold a job here, despite the sea of dress shirts, slacks, and shined leather shoes. I should consider an eyebrow piercing, maybe.

I've been behaving abnormally the past few weeks, and it continues today. The slump is hitting hard. Outside of chores, I've done nothing but write here, read other people's sites, and sleep.

I feel dead.

I feel the meaningless tick of time.

I'm waiting to die. Do not let my entries fool you: I'm always waiting to die. I only move because I know I am one step closer to death if I do so. Washing the sink will take a hundred ticks of time, and so I am a hundred ticks closer to death. If I am persistent, at some point I will die.

That reliefs sits as a golden star at the end of the long black tunnel that is my life. If only I can reach it sooner by blasting a hole into the wall. But I can't. Because of my brother I can't. I have to walk this whole damn thing, carrying him on my back. Because where I see darkness he sees light, hope, and goodness, and in a world like this, that is a miracle to be cherished and protected. So I walk with him on my back, and give him a beautiful world to view.

I'm older now, and can handle whatever bullshit my parents throw at me. Even though my fear of them is built into my body, I've removed it from my mind. I should call my brother more.

Well, today's the big day, isn't it? Unless some catastrophe happens.

We've been together since 2016, T and I. I've been engaged to him for about 4 years. I still think he's crazy for wanting to marry me, after all the shit I've done, in Texas, and this past January.

Here's a thought that took me a long time to find the words for: One of the worst feelings is having to accept a blessing you don't deserve. Because what would you do otherwise? Demand that the other person think of you in the way you want them to? Demand even more from them, after you've hurt them. It's wrong. You have to accept their feelings towards you, even if their pardons make you feel sick with worry and regret.

I wonder how people felt when Jesus forgave them. Is it something similar to how I feel? Did Jesus forgive for this reason?

I'm happy that T took me back in, even though I don't deserve it. I'm happy for his sake, but I'm also genuinely happy to be with him now. There was so much garbage stuck in me that prevented me from loving him, despite wanting to. A lot of pain from F toying with my unrequited love for him for years. (A normal person, when on the receiving end of unrequited love, would've distanced themselves from the giver, correct?) I still can't believe he did those things to me. I don't know why he did that to me, after I gave him the entirety of my trust and heart. Were my feelings a joke to him?

I don't think I'll ever completely heal from this betrayal, but I've accepted this. I still cry about it. The past two nights, when I was on the train bound for home, I had to hold back tears thinking of him.

I hate that I can't talk about my decision to marry T without bringing up F, but it's all tied together.

Something tells me however, that this will be the final time F impacts a major life decision of mine. The marriage between T and I will be the start of a new, happier era. Not without its hardships for sure, but I expect these harships will be more about the affects of aging and finance, rather than nursing deep, psychological wounds from someone who has hurt you.

T is a good man. His steadfast kindness, our committment towards each other, solidified through marriage is a comfort in these times of incredible turmoil. One of his strengths however is that he always tries his best in life like I do, even when it's easier to give up. That's at the core of my nature, and I don't think I could be with a man who doesn't feel the same way. Most people seem afraid of my determination.

Another thing people tend to fear is my criticism, but T is receptive of it. I do not mean he agrees with everything I say; I've had this happen before with other men, and it's alarming and unpleasant to have a blind following. I mean that he is willing to talk about our disagreements. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I win. We've made good decisions with our lives because of these talks with each other.

Good decisions in my life were also the result of his encouragement. Very early on in our relationship, when I was still in college, I was scared and plagued with panic attacks because of childhood trauma and social anxiety. He encouraged me to apply to internships and network with people, which saved my career. I wouldn't have had such an easy time finding jobs if it weren't for him doing that long ago. This encouragement also helped me carry myself with confidence in interviews. He helped feel brave enough to do what was necessary for us to be together in the future, for us to be set up for taking care of my brother, and for us to live a happy life together.

I'm glad that we can finally get married. I think if it happened sooner it wouldn't have ended well. I couldn't enter it while still carrying trauma from the past. I feel bad that he had to wait so long, but the love I feel for him is so much stronger and joyous than if I had forced this to happen sooner for his sake.

That's enough on this. I have to get ready.

trwain

Turns out that guy from the discord server was doing a bit, which I’m totally fine with. He got me, lol.

Not much else is going on. I forgot my lunch box at work so I’m probably getting a $13 salad for lunch. =_= (Yeah I’m still dieting. It’s failed on the weight loss aspect, but I feel more awake and happier from eating healthier food. If you always feel sleepy after eating, try cutting carbs.)

I’m pretty insecure about my writing style. I want a casual tone in my writings here, but I get sick of how I sound in my head as I write. It’s something else to work on.

After the fallout with F, I really hated myself. I hated everything I did, including writing, and texting new people, so I wasn't even getting any sort of writing done through people. I think my brain shut down too, in a way. There would be feelings, but I wouldn't let them surface; not even form words for them in my head. It made me stupider, I think, honest to god. My brain moved slower.

I hated how I sounded too in my head back then–a lot. It’s different now. I was fine with how I sounded up until recently, and it’s just a bit grating.

When I started writing here, I felt my brain wake up and speed up, like something was unclogged. It's part of why I keep writing.

I’m going to make a renewed effort now to not bother A. I’m starting to feel better. Maybe it was my period, or the fact I became lazy with exercise, or maybe I missed him when I shouldn't. It’s a mix of all three of those things, probably.

Suddenly, I’m feeling gloomy. Work ends in two hours, maybe less.

I’m hiding in the bathroom. I just want to take a loooooooooooong nap.

In the rear view mirror while commuting today, I saw this lady singing her head off; really belting it. And the world's most tired dude next to her.

I almost missed the train.

I did not sleep much last night because I took a full gummy–which is a mistake. I should really only take half of one during the week, I just forgot.

I’ve been working on a little something something, but I don't want to talk about it much yet in case I stall on it. It seems art and drawing has kinda stopped, because I’m addicted to that game I mentioned. I don't really mind because it's nice to escape. My current run is really hard rn because of bad rolls and I fucked up pretty bad once, which is enough to haunt me forever.

GEORG VASHINGTON ST

A boring day at the office. Talked about food and pets with people. I guess it's better than nothing. I'll take any conversations I can get just to have something new to listen to. I'll also talk to anyone who has ears at this point.

I've been leaving IT guy alone for a while; a solid month, I'd say, because he didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me. But the other day I submitted an IT ticket, and he remembered I have a high res monitor from one of the first IT tickets I sent him. There's 150 employees here, so for him to have remembered that, I think I must've had some kind of impact on him. So now we talk occasionally, usually when I'm bored working. X was right when he said all IT people play pc games, so it's nice now to have a buddy to talk about that shit with.

Weird thing happened today: some guy claims to know me on a discord server I just joined. I think his buddy too think he knows me, based on comments he said. His discord ID looks familiar, but I think I'm gaslighting myself into thinking it looks familiar. I'm not sure. It seems that I have walked into some drama though, but I think I can easily disprove whatever they think they know about me by handing over the url to this site, lol.

I'm bummed that it's late at night, and that I shouldn't play any vidya because of that. Last day of the work week for me is tommorow though. Friday is the day of my marriage, come rain or hellfire. :)

I want to add, I've been trying to keep a safe distance from the men at this job. Because of all the bullshit I've caused over the past year towards men and myself. I'm trying to figure out the correct amount of distance though, obviously I shouldn't get close but I also don't want to be alone and afraid of men at this job.

I've been trying to befriend women instead, and also following their lead on which men are "safe" to be around. (For example, I went to lunch with a coworker today, and she invited a male coworker, so you know he's not weird by extension because a girl likes him enough to invite him to lunch.) No one's really clicked with me yet, though. It'll probably take time and effort, repeatedly showing up at the office instead of working from home.

I'm hoping the men here are more mature than the ones I've met online. It seems like so so far; women and men are constantly talking to each other and no one implodes on themselves because of it.

We'll see though. I'm often disappointed.

I keep having dreams about F and A...

Really boring work today, but I went to the gym and ate healthy stuff. I feel great because of it.

Not much else today. I updated the ChatGPT page, probably for the final time.

I didn't sleep well, and I have nausea today. IT problems at work. Got almost nothing done. Good thing they don't really care at this time.

Spent a lot of time with Brewster.

Good news is I'm addicted to a new game called The Last Spell. It's a turn-based rogue-lite. I really love turn-based games because I'm not very good at games that require fast reflexes. The reason I can get through games like Dark Souls is mostly because I'm extremely persistent and less because I'm a natural at them. (People who've been playing video games for a long time and have carryover experience from prior games they've played look like naturals to me.) I can get through Dark Souls but it takes a shit ton of time.

To be real with you, I actually find Horizon Zero Dawn to be a harder game than Elden Ring and DS3 because you can't rely on your weapons and armor as much to carry you through the game. In the souls series equipment and armor matter more. That means in Horizon you really just have to get gud.

I really wish I had the sequel to that... I tried playing it on Steam and it didn't load right. Maybe it's fixed now, but I refunded it back then.

But yeah I feel like shit today... maybe getting obsessed over a new game will help with A shennanigans though.

No I'm not doing well. I'm relapsing into spamming A again, unbeknownst to T.

I feel too sad and demotivated to do anything other than work. My brain lives at the office now, because it's exciting and new but also terrifying. It pulls me away from my home life. I think the worst feelings in life involve one person or situation that makes you feel elated and horrible at the same time, because the feelings involved are confusing instead of decisive.

The job makes me feel elated because I'm imagining all of these scenarios about developing an actual social life with the people I meet here. Makes me overjoyed thinking about it... even though it probably won't happen. It never has. I never had a group of friends I connected with since I was 10. And I'll probably start coming off too strong to people, scaring them, or something, by being too honest and happy to be around them. I'll be too much, and they'll all grow to loathe me, eventually.

...

This job is terrifying because there's so much going wrong at this firm. It feels like chaos. I'm treading water but I wonder what the fuck is going on with everyone else. I was just alerted that clients need to be notified of a new regulation and referred out to another firm to do that work, before the end of the year; it's in 6 weeks. And am I supposed to be alerting these clients? I didn't get instructions to do so, but if I don't tell them, who else is around to tell them? And this shit's above my paygrade too, fucking hell.

I'm more worried about my first point though. A dumpster fire workplace with nice people is actually the best situation I can be in, because there's plenty of opportunities to prove myself, and I usually do.

I always disappoint myself, getting my hopes up about people. Me feeling this happy around them is a sickness, especially since I don't really know them. I'm sick.

T doesn't know any of that though. I cheered him up today by cleaning up the kitchen for him so he can cook easier. The grocery bill makes him anxious. Idk how to help him with that because he keeps buying fun food and then complains about the bill later. But watching me do the dishes or some other chore for him calms him down, and I didn't say he's acting silly about his grocery bill anxiety this time.

The grocery bill is making things more tense between us in general though.

I went to the leasing office today to see if we could get a multi-year lease and lock in a rent. They wouldn't do it. Lady there pretended to be gullible about why we wanted to lock in a rent, but she fucking knew.

Bitch.

Well, at least we know rent is going to go up. Pretty easy way to tell. Because why would they not make multiyear leases available if they think they can get away with hiking up the rent each year?

We're going to look for a new place, though we really only have one option, west of here. It'll make my commute slightly longer, but they offer multiyear leases and the apartments are bigger.

Though I am fantasizing organizing a bunch of people who want to live here for multiple years, having them all follow me into the leasing office, and threatening that we'll all leave if we don't get a multiyear option.

Hmmmmm... maybe maybem aybe.

i hate trying not to panic about the election, because i want to appear hard and jaded to other people. but im freaking out about it anyways in my head. ruminating about it when i don't want to.

and i think i already have an office crush, which doesn't help. i hate that im like this.

him and I have had 3-5 conversations together, I'd say. there's nothing indicative that i'd actually like this dude emotionally, he just acts cute sometimes. (god i can't believe im saying this shit i hate myself. wrenching this stupid shit out of myself is like im pulling my own teeth out one by one. i don't even know if it will help writing about it here. they just always say not to repress your emotions, but honestly i think there are some emotions that deserve to be vaporized forever.) how does he act cute. i definitely 100% flustered him once without trying to. during the interview actually lmao.

yeah he's kinda my boss. a little bit. he's my senior. technically he could give me work but he hasn't, and he was one of my interviewers for this job, so, uh. yeah i guess he's one of my bosses.

it's kinda hard not to find a guy that tripped over himself because of something you said to him a bit endearing.

dude also cares about the job too, maybe a bit too much. but he's into it. and i am too unfortunately, so that makes us more alike.

another problem is i think despite him being my senior we're probably the same skill level. he just has one year ahead of me at this job, and he got promoted during the merger for having his cpa. he started at my level though and is just a tier above me. there's some things i know that he doesn't know and vice versa but we each are new to having our own client lists. (i technically shouldn't even have a client list at my level which im definitely going to bring up in my employee review at some point because i want a higher *title* to go with my increased responsibility etc etc etc)

the problem with us being close to the same skill level is it makes it hard to avoid each other. everyone else is either too senior and getting murdered with their workloads, or too new and scared of me, actually. there's only one other person i know of so far that's around the same level as him and i, but im pretty damn sure she pisses off the partner/owner and she's a gossip. so ive been distancing myself from her.

that basically leaves him and i working closely with each other, often being the guy i ask for help on something if i need it. considering everyone else is screwed up on their own shit.

there will be a point though where i will find someone else around my level to ask questions, and once i find that person im distancing myself from this guy. even though he hasn't done anything wrong.

why am i like this

it's gotta be because i am suddenly dropped into a world with a bunch of people my age after hanging around boomers for half a decade, and it's activating every hormone in my body. and they're all really nice to me for no reason. a bunch of people want to talk to me all the time, it's weird. some random woman complimented my dress and started talking to me on the subway.

aLl Of ThIs AtTeNtIoN iS OvErWhElMiNg AnD i'M gOnNa CuM!

!!!

BRUUUUH why did I use a heart emoji as a reply that's so slutty. FfFFFF Like so okay this guy at work is going out of his way doing something big for me which warrants a smiley face errr reaction? idk what you call it it’s that thing u can do on discord. But there was no smiley face option, there was just the thumbs up and heart emoji. I felt like his help deserves more than a thumbs up but less than a heart emoji, but i was like “yanno what that one girl sent me a heart emoji once so i guess it's socially acceptable to send heart emojis,” and i dont think it's socially acceptable anymore i will never use it again.

I took a look at reddit and it’s absolutely ridiculous right now. posts about “are you friends with the devil?” flying around and other mental breakdowns about the election. I stopped looking at reddit on november 5th, and I think I'm going to continue not looking at reddit.

T’s real worried. “What's the plan now?” he asked this morning. I told him we keep doing the same thing we’ve always done.

Though, I don't see anything wrong with doing small things to prepare for the worst. As long as you don't lose your head about it. I gotta put on a calm front for T though so he doesn't panic too hard.

I’m feeling well-rested today. I took half a gummy last night for anxiety and it worked well. I was able to sleep. There's not much else to say, though. I haven't had much time to myself, and I’m going to be in Boston again all day.

I learned a fun fact reading the other day: the biggest tell for an undercover cop is if you see their heads up, scanning the area. Because normal people don't do that.

yall they put me in this 3 hour meeting about business stuff, and there's no fucking coffee m8.

idk 3/4s of the room left to go outside and get blown on. i have 0 gripes about staying here where it's warm.

besides, something something “appearing less available makes you more interesting” or something. im looking totally swag rn sitting by myself.

something this meeting has taught me is if your a gen X balding man under 6ft tall u are DESTINED to eat a CEO’s shoes.

can't wait to get home tonight and not wear office clothes.

god fucking 10 minutes left gggggggoD. i want home time. Big time - work time + caffeine = home time ok?

unconstitutional FRANCHISE TAX

bingbongbop

disconstitutionality

disconcerting sources of ancient wares

I fuckin failed again I had to call him gay and retarded
sometimes it can't be helped

(it totally could've been helped why did i do this)

im so happy rn that im a hermit, because i can successfully hide from all news about the presidential election. i have no idea what's going on rn and who's winning.

it's nice. i don't see the point in working yourself up over the count.

STAHP. sending me jpegs. u bad clients!

im anxious today. i had to do something for Jn the last minute this morning, because i was like “i fucked this up i think (but so did he)”. that put me into an anxious spiral for the rest of the day. what have i done to solve this?

deep breathing. (worked momentarily) now? thinking about testosterone. mmm…. testosterone…

how do i stop gaslighting myself

slavery is still legal but you have to pay taxes for it (25% srs)

trump made it so u have to pay taxes for biking to work with an employer provided bicycle (100% srs)

they delayed my train home. i had to go to the boston office for a meeting so it's been a day. plus that anxiety from earlier. ive was extremely anxious from 7am to 4pm. its been a great time.

i just want pigeons, weed, and cuddles, man.

Well, 7pm on the drive home and T tells me Trump won.

I think it should be obvious to everyone that I did not vote for him, but in case it isn’t: I didn’t vote for him.

There’s not much use in feeling sad over it. As I’ve been saying for a long time: plan ahead and protect yourself. The government is not going to help you. Arguing online isn’t going to help you. You have to become present, focused, and brave. You have to keep your eyes wide open and take chances on opportunities other people miss. You have to find the strength to do the things you’re scared of doing.

Plans are forming in my head on what to do next. I have to become a guardian of my brother in case things happen. They always find a way to target the disabled.

And it was something I was going to do eventually anyways. It's just a bit more soon.

I don't think I have it in me to get a hysterectomy or however that's spelled. I can't imagine getting a massive surgical procedure out of fear of politicians. Fuuuuuuuck that. I'm mostly worried about rape, so, self defense classes and being more careful. Cheaper than surgery too.

Anyone else doing a media blackout today?

I went to the booths this morning to vote, and there were no Trump signs. A bunch of ones for Kamala. Yesterday, T was driving home from work and saw a bunch of ripped up Kamala signs, and Trump supporters waving flags on the highway. I think a week ago he saw a Trump motorcade roar down the street outside my apartment.

Fuck, I should've bought groceries while I was out this morning. FFFFFFFFFF.

I could still go... but I just got comfy.........

=_= Alright, fuck I'll go. List:

• Half and Half
• American cheese
• A dressing
• Hamburger buns
• Cookies
• Candy
• Popcorn Kernels
• Small fruit box

The stupid thing is it's such a small list. But I guess that's also a good thing because spending money sucks.

I don't understand why people fixate over their appearance when no one will notice if you've worn the same 2 pairs of pants 3 months in a row at work.

Also big shoutout to me for not buying cookies for myself. My stomach is starting to not like all the sugar. (I bought trash bags to eat instead.)

Today was really irritating. I had questions today and it seemed like no one knew the answer to them. The one guy who might've was split into 20 different directions so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. For now.

Accrual to cash adjustments. After doing so many at G's, and also creating cash flows statements for clients, they're not too hard. They still make me nervous though, so I asked for reassurance. But everyone's contradicting each other on the topic. Well. I'm going with my gut next time, because I'm pretty sure what I thought originally was right, but then a higher up told me to do it a different way, and then changed his mind on that later. So I'm fucking going to believe myself instead on that, for now on.

And if people don't like my gut I'll just say, "well how about you can go change it, dick wad."

Also why is it that people will call me for 15 minutes when I just need a quick answer about something, god damn.

I feel like right now, at this moment, more than any other moment in a long time, is the prime time to stay away from social media. I'm sure you know why.

yea? maybe i think my husband falling asleep on the couch watching twitch streamers is the cutest thing in the world. what about it?

it's not just how goofy and cute he looks asleep. i get to dote on him, turn off the light, turn down the tv. kiss him goodnight.

I often catch T staring at me, and it happens less the other way around. I think I just do it when he isn't paying attention. Like when he's asleep, especially. There's an innocence and vulnerability to people when they're asleep, that goes away when they're awake. Or maybe that's what happens when I finally feel comfortable around someone. (With my social anxiety, which still kicks me in the dick on a subconscious level, it'd make sense for me to feel most comfortable when people are passed out I guess.)

But I've been trying to give him kissy eyes a bit more. (Stare at him and purposefully get caught. Lol.)

I feel... good, because I did a lot of cleaning today, and exercised. But then I remember my parents exist and feel bad. I feel abandoned by them, even though they say otherwise. Same sort of situation I was in with F, now that I think about it. And he wanted me to be easy to digest, compliant, like my parents do.

It's so lonely, even though I'm not alone. Some feelings and memories burn within you forever regardless of how much time has passed.

Anyways, I bought the sad lamp.

I'm watching Baby Reindeer on Netflix. Not sure why he didn't go to the police at this point. Wonder why A and F didn't either. Probably for similar reasons as the way the man feels about the woman.

Makes me wanna move the site. I don't know, maybe I should be ashamed writing like this. Though it helps me, genuinely.

So, the woman in the show cracked at 35. I got a bit over 6 years left. Maybe I should keep my head down at my job. (And what, never talk to people again? Wouldn't that make things worse?) Probably, you're probably right, other voice in my head.

I just have to have faith in myself, that I'm not gonna crack. It's just, there's so many years ahead. It seems impossible that I'll bear whatever awaits me ahead. Because there will be something terrible in the future. There always is.

holy crow I forgot to post yesterday! rip my streak from feb 9th. this probably isn't accurate, but i think that streak lasted about 263 days. not that it was a goal for me to be doing this every day, it just kinda happened.

yesterday i was working on writing something but it felt very meh, so i said, "i'll come back to this later" and never did.

i mean, not much at all happened yesterday. despite work being slow and that giving me plenty of opportunity to do other things with my life, i've been sleeping a lot. i feel like i constantly want to be asleep.

and then i got high yesterday and didn't want to sleep. i drew a lot of stupid bullshit last night that i should post here. i created a whole magical animal team lol;

i also checked A's profile again. -_- sooo... i guess it's one more day than last time, at least. he always starts getting to me when i come down from the high. i start looking for strong emotional stimuli to encourage the high to last longer.

the desire to be high all the time on more and more extreme substances is very powerful.

i know if i ever decided to give up on life, that'd be the road i'd go down, if i don't just kill myself.

i find myself incredibly annoying because i don't let myself let go, and spiral. i don't want to live this bland existence.

... i'll probably have to keep the technology away from myself on those nights, even before bed, especially when im coming down. i know this behavior can turn into something bad; it's a compulsion checking a compulsion checking an obsession. when does resisting a compulsion in a certain way turn into a compulsion of its own? because it would be one by definition, wouldn't it? are all compulsions bad? there's no one i can really ask these questions to. i think people would tell me it's unhealthy wondering about these things, because it breaks whole damn psychological theories. this happens a lot when i sstart thinking about psychology. it seems in my opinion you can use psychological theory to justify anything you do. but there are things you shouldn't justify because they're immoral, but this contradicts a lot of the theories about self-acceptance and blahblahblah.

it doesn't really make a lot of sense at the end of the day. can't say that to people though. and it's fine if other people don't see it; i'd rather them not if the psychobabble works for them, instead of looking at things too closely, picking them apart too much, and ending up like me.

omg i have to clean today, just kill me

i didn't clean today. i drew a cat instead

i don't know whether to leave it as is or continue with shading it. there's some stupid mistakes i made with it because im dumb at art software. makes me want to move on, but they're not too noticeable. hrmm.

i can't sleep. well i probably could, i just need to take the pills, which requires moving, which isn't very comfy at all.

I'm thinking about my parents. They want to move up here, my Dad really wants to move up here. And I really, fucking... it's more than they annoy me, or that I hate them. I'm afraid of them fucking up the life I built for myself. I'm afraid of my Mom inserting herself into every friendship I have because of her fucking loneliness and obsession with controlling me. I'm afraid to invite anyone I know to my wedding because I fear my Mom is going to stalk them on social media and start talking to them. Like she's done before.

It's been a week since I told them about the court wedding, and I'm surprised they haven't said anything. Maybe they don't want to come.

Happy Halloween,

Happy Birthday to E,

Feeling glum today. I'm worried about the gossip going around about me at work about the wedding. (It's probably Dn megaphoning my life. She's such a gossip.) They probably think it's all very strange, how I'm doing it. And of course my delivery doesn't help, because I feel insecure about doing anything abnormal. Ugh, I shouldn't have told people. Actually that's unavoidable because of my last name change. But they probably all think I'm being held at gunpoint marrying this man, based on how I talk about it alone.

Recap for people reading: I changed my middle and last name through a court order before getting married, because we didn't want to take each other's last name, and we didn't want to hyphenate. So we took the letters from each of our names and smashed them into a new last name. This confuses the fuck out of boomers, which is very fun. (Not.) THEN I tried having a traditional wedding, but my Mom went crazy, so now it's being done through court. But because I feel bad for my husband's side of the family, we're going to have another ceremony next year after tax season that's more in line with a traditional wedding.

I gotta explain it to somebody at work. I think Jn. I think he can probably follow what happened. Will he agree with it or just find it weird? Can't say. But the guy can follow complex tax subjects pretty well so I think he can comprehend what I'm doing.

I can't wait until it's over. November 15th is the date, so god help me.

i think i should get free pto if my back hurts from sitting at a desk.

can't believe it's almost 2pm wtf

i need some FUN. can someone help me have FUN?! i need FUN.

i spent the past few hours organizing shitty paperwork from clients, and i feel a little nauseous, and my eyes hurt a bit...

Rare moment last night: T and I argued. He freaked out on me about money, and I'm pissed about it, because:

• He convinced me to buy a $400 hotel room last week.
• He's been pushing to cook a variety of homemade meals instead of alternating between one meal and sandwich meat. Making a fuckload of homemade things costs more time and money than making a sandwich.
• For about a year and a half my bank account was dropping a thousand a month, and I never snapped on him about it. Because it was my decision to take a low paying job, and I knew and accepted the consequences.

The truth is we've both been spending a lot, especially me, and we need to cut back. His account is going down about $100 a month because he picked up this new job, and I think that's what is giving him anxiety. So I'm giving him a bit of money so he fucking chills out. But if he gives me grief again over this I'm going to be mad.

I guess I have to really think about budgeting stuff too this weekend. He gave me his budget a while back and I haven't looked at it yet.

=_=

I should be doing work, but I'm dead tired for some reason. Not that there's anything to do, but I could at least be doing continuing education. (I have to do a set amount of continuing education/accounting lessons each year to keep my license valid.)

Soooo I'm making cookies for my neighborsssssss. It's the day before Halloween and they're Halloween-themed cookies so they need to be done today @_@ (who knows what their plans are for tomorrow. i bet they're cooler than me and not gonna be at home)

one day, i'll have a banger halloween costume and do something awesome. next year. next year.... there's a bunch of music concerts right now. so i just need to plan ahead.

but yanno, this october was nice, even if it wasn't very spooky. it was a very comfy october. i did a lot of hiking, had a real nice time at a sushi bar where i got to sit by a window and watch leaves fall, got my annual overpriced pumpkin latte from starbucks, (went up a whole fucking dollar since i last went there, jesus) im making these cookies for neighbors, and movies at home with food isn't bad.

i need to torrent horror movies, almost forgor

we might celebrate today because i have no impulse control idk

the starbucks thing reminds me: shoutout to dunkin donuts and market basket for having cheap coffee. one cup of coffee should not be $7

There's a Machine Girl concert near me, but I don't have a fit for it, fuuuuck.

I seriously need to get a fit together for concerts/festivals. Especially if I go on my own, because I doubt T would like much of the music I listen to. I have ideas... involving a sick mask, a massive black robe, and a burlap sack. I think I'll have to make the robe, because they only sell fitted ones, but I want mine to be shapeless. Can't be hard, right?.

I'm also thinking of carrying a bunch of cute little things in the sack and handing them out to people present. Idk if people would like that, but it'd be a good bit. Ohh, I guess I could hand out bracelets. People tend to do that.

So a fun fact about me is, as a hobby, I am trying to collect every type of vaginal malady over the course of my life. I just got a new one! :o A new species for my vaginadex! I think it's shiny, because it doesn't match the pictures online! :ooooo

I think at this point, I've caught all the normal types, which means I have to go to exotic places (F’s Mom) for STD type maladies. Cervical cancer is gonna be a tricky one… I would have to go to Chernobyl for that; I don't have any other ideas on how to catch that legendary. If only there was a mysterious artifact or orb or prophecy to help me unlock the secrets of cervical cancer…

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, because this monstrosity is nightmare fuel. Yaaaaay!

Spent all day being Incredibly Responsible (TM) by actually doing continuing education at work and exercising.

Endorphins feel good.

Jn has a bad habit of giving me shit to do at the end of the day when I'm only half mentally present for his instructions. Annoying.

There's really nothing else to talk about. Unless if you wanna learn about 754 elections. No? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Really exciting development in my life... on Halloween, we're gonna have velveeta mac n cheese.

I have 0 plans on Halloween. I don't really care about going out this year. I think I'm all "fall"'d out from all the walking I did in October. I saw plenty of Fall this year, and I'm happy with that.

Maybe T and I should just get some apple cider and cuddle w/ a good horror movie(s).

I really did not do anything at all this weekend. I guess I'm still wiped out.

Well, actually, no. I attended a virtual Sangha session today. It was underwhelming... but I'll keep going to it though. It could just be how different it is from the Christian Sunday worship I grew up with. Much of the time is spent in silent meditation, and there is some reading from Buddhist texts but no one really discusses what was read. Then we talk about ourselves and our Buddhist journey, how we practiced for that week.

It seems like these sessions are what you make of them. There's more responsibility on everyone to make them engaging, instead of just having to show up. If you phone it in, or are too afraid to speak up, it's gonna be a dull time. The opportunity to talk about Buddhism during the session is exciting to think about though. I plan on coming to the table next week with something to talk about. Maybe, hopefully.

There's many sessions throughout the week with this virtual group. Maybe I just need to find one with more engaging people.

Other than that... I spent a lot of time with T today, talking and cuddling. It was nice.

I'm hungry rn... but I don't want to eat... why do we need to eat all the damn time.

*Looks at TV* oh look, another youtuber purposefully doing something wrong for views. It's like an elongated live-action version of those mobile game ads.

This is the first time in a few days that I've been able to get a moment with myself and my thoughts.

I checked A's profile the other night because I was mad for being so tired. My hotel happened to be next to Chinatown, and I really wanted to explore that. It was still real early in the evening so it would've been safe for me to. I didn't want to go to bed. I thought checking would give me the adrenaline rush I needed to go out and have fun.

Nope.

And now the OCD thoughts are coming back again, "You already checked once, why not another time? You failed. Might as well see if he said something about you."

If I wait, they'll go away. It takes a lot of self-control. I should really be meditating, so I can have more control over my thoughts, and enter a a higher state of being that can resist temptation.

But, on the adrenaline rush thing: it's proof that OCD will say the dumbest shit in order to get you back into it's grasp. My therapist told me several times to be careful of this, and I didn't believe her. But now I get it.

Chores around the apartment are piling up again, but getting caught up in errands and work can be a distraction from thinking about self-improvement in the long term. I might end up doing chores anyways just because my body needs rest. (I slept well but feet and legs are recovering from walking.)

Major Goals:

• Start reading books that focus on improving social skills and charisma, since I haven't tried that before. (Though I am wary of this type of self-help, because there's a problem with narcissists becoming life coaches and writing these types of things.)
• Look into volunteering somewhere. I'm thinking of something having to do with children or hospice care. I think I'll end up using PTO to take Fridays off during slow times to do this, but since I'm new I don't have any PTO built up.
• Practicing Buddhism more and attending Sangha.
• Expanding tax knowledge & building up faith in myself to act on it

Minor Goals:

• Continue using art as a way to relax
• Continue exercising
• Reading novels
• Watch more TV and movies in general

T might come across big money but we'll see. A lot of strange stuff happening at his job right now.

I hate it when you see someone interesting online and you want to talk to them, but if you approach them with the account you use to browse the platform, they're gonna see what a boring, broken person you are.

i checked his profile last night, i failed. i just really needed some dopamine man. i still haven't slept idk why. ive been up for 3 days straight, walked what 20 miles yesterday in boston. i have blisters all over my feet. my finger hurts for no reason that i can identify. i have a crik in my shoulder. i have no money. i needed the dopamine from mental selfharm in these trying times. that's just how it goes. and was it worth it

no

it just starts the whole fucking thing again. ur like "well i checked once what's another time" and "i'll stop tomorrow" except you don't stop/ ... yeah i can't recalll anything memorable that he said.

i need sleep. i hope no one at work bothers me b/c i have nothing assigned to me rn.

i made a few mistakes with my life yesterday. chiefly, not taking boston seriously and packing last night. my next mistake: getting high last night. Third, spending $400 on a hotel because T told me to and i was high. finally, only having a suitcase available for packing, which means i have to explain to people at work as to why i have a suitcase, which risks negative judgment from my peers and superiors.

oh, and waking up extremely horny at 3am and committing acts discreditable.

im fucking tired and im not sure if i’ll survive today. actually nah, that's stupid. this sort of shit happens sometimes. im not going to pretend it's the end of the world for me idc. im just worried about food and feeling exhausted at the office party.

tired of whiny bitch shit from ppl.

next time i gotta get hotels a month in advance or else they'll be through the roof. also i should get a little knapsack or kit that i can just grab and run with if i feel like traveling somewhere, that’s spec’d into high mobility. also i need an inflatable pillow for hotels because an actual pillow takes up too much space in my bag. (and hotel pillows are horrible and disgusting.)

im not sure if i’ll be able to update because i’ll be running around so much. but we’ll see.

wish me luck today.

(btw the guy who took my train ticket has his dick tied into knots. on some sort of power trip.)

im getting lunch rn. the fucking hair gel and swooshed bangs on all the men here. lmao. give me a man that doesnt give a fuck with a beard.

I should really plan something to say to people before approaching them for conversation…… hmmm……

im so close though. like i can finally initiate conversations. i just need to stop mentally blanking after that. it’s like a flash bang to the brain.

shit’s crazy man. everyone here has a buddy. painfully extroverted group.

ugh. this office party is looking to be a dud because everyone’s away. only about 5 ppl from the tax department are going. i feel so awkward. =_=

… aw. they're retiring the old IT system. i can't harass the singular IT guy that's been helping me with all my stuff anymore.

god im starting to crash.

…

don't wanna gooooooo why did i do thisssss

i think im gonna leave early from the hotel and take the first train back home tomorrow

fucking waste of money

shit.

…

ok

questions to ask people at awkward party:

• what hobbies do you have
• what shows do you watch
• what food do you enjoy
• do you enjoy arcades
• do you enjoy the outdoors

things i can say about myself:

my opinion on arcades

dude im gonna fucking kill myself if i have to lug a suitcase through an arcade like a fucking dweeb ahhhhhhhbhhhhhbhhh

i shouldve snuck out and checked into the hotel

all of these people wouldve bullied me in high school. im not gonna make it fuckkkkkkk

Alright.... I lived. I lived, man. And I didn't have to lug the suitcase across Boston. They got my key card approved at the Boston office in time, so I could leave my luggage there.

The office party was a bit awkward, but everyone was a bit awkward, which made everything less awkward because you know you're not alone. Yeah, there were no tax people there, so I hung out with people in a different department. They were chill. Two of them are at the office I usually go to. I don't think they have much in common with me though... disney adults.

I guess going to an awkward office party with disney adults is better than sitting at home. One person reads classics, she might be interesting to talk to more.

Not worth a $400 hotel room though. Wtf was I thinking...

I am exhasuted and my thoughts are fragmented. I will try to shoot my observations about today in a rapid fire, and use it as a learning experience:

• if i get a hotel in boston again i should plan the trip a month+ out for cheaper rates. i should do this on a friday night, and hang out saturday, or else it won't be worth the money.
• the place im staying at today is right outside of chinatown. i wanna dive into chinatown next time
• there has to be better shoes and socks for walking around a ton in the city, and i will acquire these.
• see knapsack above
• loud places suck for socializing because i can't hear anything. if there's a social event in a loud area i might as well not go. bad place to meet new people. (i don't understand why the music was so loud at that place anyways, it was generic club music and it sucked ass.)
• reading some books on socializing would probably help me, now that i have faith in myself and my abilities to talk to people. though im far from perfect.
• whenever i think about bringing a suitcase somewhere... i should be very cautious. suitcases seem to be a bad omen in my life, a literal ball and chain.

that's all i can think of. im going to sleep and try to catch the first train out of here tomorrow. there's no point in going into the boston office rigtht now; no one is there.

goodnight

I took the day off from work, but it was still a long day. A very good day, though. My mood is on the upside.

I went to the social security office and the DMV for a new social security card and driver's license. Because it was in the middle of the week the wait wasn't bad at all. It all went a lot smoother than I thought it would; I came overprepared. Then I went out to a Japanese sushi bar, though I chickened out and didn't get sushi. I got this breaded pork and egg thing over rice. I really enjoyed the atmosphere there, and it even has a small bar, so I think I'll go again. I'll get sushi next time.

I'm actually not sure if I've ever had authentic sushi before, maybe once. I used to get cheap sushi at my college cafeteria... I don't think that counts.

I wonder if seafood is really cheap in Japan, and if steak is expensive there. The inverse of Texas. I wish seafood was cheap here. Though that sushi restaurant was EXTREMELY cheap. I'll definitely be going again.

Speaking of Japanese things I started watching Bungo Stray Dogs, an anime. It's funnier than most anime, which I appreciate. Not a fan of the incest "jokes" though.

I'm turning into more of a stuck up prude over time, but I don't really care. I don't care if people think I'm too easily offended by sexual shit in media. Porn is doing terrible things to a lot of people. Some people are mature with how they use it, but many aren't, and it even got to me. I'll be the first to admit that I'm too stupid to watch porn; it bleeds into my behavior and decision making even when I don't want it to. So I avoid it altogether. Because of that, I'm tired of borderline pornographic shit in shows. If people don't like that they can kiss my ass. (The people who get offended by what I just said are usually obsessed with it themselves and insecure about it, imo.)

Enough of my soapbox.

I took a long walk in the woods after the restaurant, because it's beautiful and peak foliage-peeping season. I was supposed to go to the food store but I spent too long in the woods. >_<. I took a couple of pictures, and I tried getting a few of birds but they turned out shit. They move so fast, and they're often too far away or in the shadows. :(

Here's some pictures:

(well I hope that bit of code works, we'll see)

(note my one bird picture. i took many bird pictures, that was the only one that looked remotely like a bird. and it's in the shadows, so i can't tell what it is.

All of that took all day... running around for 8 hours about. I just got home. I completely forgot the work thing tomorrow so I have to start packing for that, and hopefully I will have enough social skills for people to like me at the office party. So I can do things with other people sometimes. (Though, going out by myself was nice today. Not a bad time.)

Well, that was my day.

trying to book hotel online high is like... you go through all the corporate shpeel but actually believe it? liiiiiiiike im tryna book this hotel. and it's like, "you're all set, and everyone's expecting you" and you're like "waow... they're expecting.... me.........." and you feel ver y special for a split seconf/. a split second. and then u think how fucking stupid that thought was. then you think "this is how narcissists feel.... all the time....." fuckin woah dude.

oh my god that makes so much sense now. why they tend to obsess over getting rich. they want ppl to talk nice corporate shpeel to them. it feels like honest to god kindness... to a psychopath.

i have to stop eating this fucking caramel. it melted and it's started to stick to the wrapper but like the garbage i am im going for that shit anyways. i just kinda dig the wrapper out of it with my fingers, or the caramerl out of wrapper. im a gross whore.

why am i high???? i am hiiiiiiiiiigh becaaaaaaaaaaaaaaause i was granted permissin, as well as permission to be here. isnt that nice. rare me win.

why so I desrve this rare win? it's because im going to work office party and need help. eye. might have a terrible time. so im babycoring right now and doing ediblesthe night before. euweheuweheuweh. not sure how i did anything without this shit.

teenage and child me were true heros. they didn't need baby mode substance. though im quite thankfuul im not either of those things anymore. life is so much better now!

i grabbed 4 orange skittles in a row. @_@
i don't know where the fuck T went. dude's just gone.
oh there he is
i gave him a haircut!!! :)
i think it's good but it's a little lumpy in places still i can tell. yanno if i peer at him.

i saw a crazy woman at the grocery store today. the CVS, not the grocery store. i know, that must've been confusing

this woman just standing there staring at the mr.grinch doll. having the time of her life tbh. calling everyone a sweetheart. such a sweetheart! i hope i end up like her. she's my favorite person now.

now's time to go. it's time to go. it's 11pm. time 2 go.

roses are red
i like getting high
lets draw eyes
on company time

i slept terribly last night, and it feels like i got hit with a sledgehammer today. at least i remembered that advil helps me feel less pain from tiredness, which doesn't make much sense. but it helps with having a groggy head.

i don't want to work today

that thing with the client yesterday though, it basically came down to me having to tell the client i fucked up. because it's true. but my boss made me feel better about it thank god, because im terrified of clients, and he was like "if they get mad we'll show them the door".

email's sent, i dont have to worrya bout it anymore yayayay

asleeeeep nuuun nuuuun snorree
cantanddontthinkanymore
need my buddy:international tax guy
brain devourment
so i can monopolize the field
become irreplaceable
no one would ghost me then
you know you can't just leave a brother on read if he's familiar with french-american tax treaties

starting to realize
if you say something confidently enough ppl will just assume ur correct
true in my job, i think. to a certain degree

that left eyelash is going to be the death of me

TIME

...

Day four of not checking e_e

Daaaaaaaaaay fooooooooooooour

I feel bad saying all that shit about T the other day.

Can't take that shit back though. Can't take a lot of things back; it's better to learn to live with your errors than try (and fail) to erase what's already happened.

Have I told you that I've been having nightmares? Worrying that I'll hurt T in the future. It's part of why my sleep has been so bad lately.

I probably will hurt him again. The future ahead of us, save a cataclysm, is long. I just hope it won't be as bad or worse than what I've already done.

T says I'm doing a lot better this year since January. Well, it's going better than last year, I suppose.

borger

screwed up one of my client's returns and he caught it, asked S to fix it because the return was locked but he didn't, client signs and files the return anyways, I realize later that I could've asked someone else to unlock the return so I could fix the problem.

Client is asking me about it and i don't know what to say, especially since he signed. sigh...

such a stupid error too.

There's so much I have to do this week. A bunch of legal stuff because of my name change, but more excitingly, I'm going to spend a night in Boston. Maybe two. There's a work meet and greet this week at an arcade Thursday, so I thought I might as well spend the night there. Work in the Boston office Thursday and Friday. Maybe there will be something fun to do Friday night, and I can spend another night down there. I have to look into it. I already RSVP'd for the work outing, so staying a night in Boston is inevitable.

you fuckin know it, man

I wish I didn't exile myself from Tumblr, I miss her... but I thirst too hard on there. There's too many terminally online losers, how am I not supposed to get horny?

I've been thinking about this, for myself. Every time I meet an internet funny man, it always goes south. You get treated like shit. I think humorous men and getting treated like shit is a package deal, at least it is for my specialized concoction of mental illness that finds getting treated like shit funny or something. Maybe I'm the ultimate target for negging. I think, maybe, I am.

... Well,

Anyways,

Ever wanted to contact someone on Neocities, but they leave no contact information? Kinda a shame. (also this is totally in character for me to say) I get it though, weird for people to reach out over personal shit. Also some people have intense, expansive, internal worlds that take up a lot of their attention, and so they don't need people as much.

That sounds nice. I hope I get there one day.

dunt really want to worrrrk tomorrrow and im saadddddd that i have tooooooo......

dunt know what the point issssss.........

dunt really want to careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........

i just want to doooooooooo

my little doodles all daaaaaaaaaaaaaay

total intoxication

of the mind and body

aye

at that special time of night

the creeping feeling in the dark

that i need to sleep

there was a statistic about sunday nights

statistic(s):

im not alone

who else dreading to wake up monday?

...

writing about it,

doesn't push back

the inevitability of tomorrow

T's annoying me today.

Every time I correct him he gets defensive and touchy, and it's not like I'm always correcting him. Sometimes I just let him be wrong because I don't want to bother with his whiny baby bullshit. But on important things I step in, he still gets mad.

At least he listens to me usually in the end, but the attitude pisses me off. The attitude always catches me off guard, because people correct each other at where I work all the time--I correct other people, other people correct me--no one acts stupid about it. I actually kind of enjoy it when we can all be like that with each other. But T starts climbing up his own asshole when he's corrected.

And I get tired of his gloating. Always gloating about how well he's doing at work, getting up on a high horse. It's just boring to listen to all the time. And it's getting kind of annoying the way he talks about other people, even if they've wronged him. Just a lot of anger towards other people, followed up with the boasting. Annoying...

Do I wish I was marrying a better man?

Yeah.

Do I think I could find any better?

Highly doubtful. I think at the end of the day there's going to be something annoying about everyone we could choose as partners. But T's stuff is manageable, it's not a bad poison to pick. With everyone there's going to be a bit of pick your poison. Especially since he does turn around eventually after freaking out a bit, it's not that bad. He just came in to say sorry to me just now. Most people never apologize for anything they do, lmfao.

Nah, he's alright. It just catches me off guard when it happens, and I end up here writing about it.

simpleflops

yeah im debating updating the electronic media page but errrrrrrrrm idk that would take work. :/

... i will try

"do you seriously only remember how you felt about 5 things you've seen before, one of them being Freddy Got Fingered?"

kinda unfair i can't draw cats with icecream on their heads all day

i feel we are getting to that special time of year where I start making stupid decisions. i'm not even going to bring up the reason why, but anyone who knows anything about mental health knows why. i think i have that thing. it's fucking stupid. idk, how can i explain how stupid it is? it's like having a mental breakdown... nah that's OCD. it's like when ur house burns down because you left the stove on. some stupid little thing causing great travesty. that's what this thing is, and im not even going to say it, because it's such a gay ass faggotty reason for acting fucked up.

here's my case in point: late december two years ago? tried killing myself. last january? stalked A. several years ago early November: obliterated F and got fired. several years before that, late November: 4 day fling with a friend that ruined everything between us.

im just saying there's something suspicious about this time of year. november thru january is a cursed time. the 5G waves ionize the fluoride in the water or something. and the holidays make it worse.

i got a certain lightbulb for my birds but i guess i'll be using the lightbulb. and taking multivitamins.

i feel sick, tbh, might be why im writing about this. the stomach ache is still with me. but i shit you not, this is the time of year i start getting wiggy. i hope this year is normal.

please

im already having bad ideas. bad (but fun) ideas that are very possible to act on.........

...

i gotta stop looking at A's profile. it's going to make this so much worse. while i have been good at not sending in anons, ive been bad with the checking. =_=

alright, today will be the last day, and if i keep doing it, i will have to embarrassingly reveal so here each day i do. and with enough self-shaming i will stop.

waiting for the doctor.

i wonder if the doctors are trying to bleed my insurance dry. im not sure if today's appointment was totally necessary, but my psychiatrist wanted me to do another blood test. so i had to go get approval for that.

and im starting to get the ball rolling on breast cancer consultation. i wish i could start mammograms now but no one is taking me seriously. :/

im starting to question whether my family’s medical problems have turned me into a health nut. for those just tuning in:

• my brother: debilitating autism diagnosis
• my mother: metastasized breast cancer about 20 years ago that almost killed her

i mean, it’s probably done something to me.

did the doctor forget about me? its been like almost 30 min ive been sitting in this room. just waiting for a flu shot. they seem pretty understaffed today, idk why.

i give them another 5 …. they arrived

lonely night tonight... T is out golfing again with his buddy. Fucking freezing though, idk how he does it.

I'm trying to talk to Tf again, I invited her for drinks. Idk if she'll see the message for a while though, since it's through Discord. Maybe I should just text her. Maybe I should give it a day and text her...

Wouldn't it be funny if T was...?

Naw, shant say

business meeting asmr [cozy] [relaxing] [dream-maxxing] [tingling]

The deadline is over and I survived. No one is mad. No one is asking me to work today because there is no work to be done. I spent earlier this morning meeting with a coworker because we're required to meet each other weekly. She's like my let-me-help-you buddy. Entered billable hours for clients, took 15 min. Napped to the voice of the CEO talking about mergers and shit over a zoom call because I had to.

That's about all.

...

"That's about all,"

...

It's important for me to think about what to do in these idle times. I live a life blessed by my hard work and chance, where I can work remotely and there isn't always work to be done, because of the nature of the industry I work in. I get paid to be on stand-by. What do I do with all of this time?

I was thinking about that this past Sunday, when I went for a small walk in the park. I was very anxious about my job, so I made myself sit down by a river and challenged myself not to think about it. My mind wandered to the question of what do I do with the rest of my life.

Something I realized is I don't want to do anymore hard things. If there's something I want to do that requires a routine, and busting my balls over learning material, I don't want to do it. Because I already have to do that for my job, and to go home and do that even more would suck ass. Even if it's in a different, more fun subject.

So, I'm not going to gather much prestige in the arts. I don't wan't to make a serious committment to it. I don't think I have the energy to, and right now, it brings me a lot of stress relief when I don't take it seriously. And that's something I need. More than anything, I need a healthy outlet for my anger, anxiety, and depression, so I stop acting toxic towards other people.

What else is there to do.

Especially since we work four day weeks in the summer, I've been thinking about volunteering during that extra day. Considering the brain damage from my job, I really just want some manual labor I don't have to think really hard about. I just need to choose a cause I'm interested in.

... I feel like an asshole saying all of this. Prissy little do-gooder shit. I'm not a good person. Am I trying to impress people? Why am I like this?

Big Fiji gets us addicted to water when we are born.

I could never hold a public office because of this blog.

1.

pussy's wet like your dad
penis make me go mad
facesitting your son Trad
i am the gigachad

you are very lame
driving me insane
i know what's to blame
it's your small dick fame

you are super gay
facesucking with dre
meanwhile I complain
"burning every day"

2.

terrible dream
blinding sun beam
another day goes by

you and I meet
you and I speak
you will say goodbye

better luck next time
better luck next time
better luck next time

better luck next time
better luck next time
better luck next time

you'd be so sweet
in the love seat
sitting by my side

cold, unfeeling,
reckless, bleeding,
losers waiting to die

better luck next time
better luck next time
better luck next time

better luck next time
better luck next time
better luck next time

It's so hard to work, when you're so cozy. Everything feels so fluffy and clean. I wanna curl up and take a nap on a bed of feathers.

I'm having an absolutely surreal experience with this client at my job.

Thank GOD it's over.

I don't think I've talked about it yet, so here it goes:

So there's this woman, and all I need is the social security number from her husband to file her tax return. Pretty simple; everyone knows what a social security number is. It's getting pretty close to the deadline, so I call her.

Here's a list of what's wrong with her:

• Wants me to hide the fact that she remarried to a guy in the Bahamas for money.
• Really wants her dead husband's social security money despite having millions of dollars (Yes you can claim you dead spouse's social security money if you're a wagie.)
• Serious LARPing as a wagie. Acts like she's going to die on the street if she doesn't have this money.
• Became the CEO of her dead husband's company despite not working for decades
• Gets paid two million a year for being the CEO
• "When my husband's girlfriend cheated on him..."
• Tries using her mentally ill pothead son for tax fraud
• Hates her pothead son
• After considerable deliberation, I have my suspicions that she's trying to hide her new husband from the US government. God knows for what reason.

Yanno if I was her son I'd be mentally ill too. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers fr.

This lady made me black out for several hours. I was left immobile staring at the ceiling out of sheer bafflement. I don't really know what to tell my supervisors if they ask me what I was doing for most of the day today. I'd tell them, "Life is an immersive horror experience, and I keep seeing more shadows out of the corner of my eye every day."

i think

maybe i shouldnt have tried so hard at school

and i shouldve become

not this

a day would not be complete without an update to this thing.

i spent, what some people call "half a rack", on a vacuum cleaner, an air filter, and sephora. the air filter makes me feel like a person that carries kleenex on their person, and maybe i will become such a person. i see the tracks of my life splayed out in front of me, and i see myself wielding that dreaded implement.

a vacuum cleaner is fine

sephora is commendable

god i hope one day i can spend money on not repairing my life and spend it on stupid garbage. the air filter is an actual necessity because of how much my birds shed. it's quite terrible. it's worse than dog hair because at least that floats to the ground. Birds shed little specks of dandruff that float around in the air. We tried a different air filter but it was not powerful enough for the room. in fact it barely did anything.

id id spend on fun stuff other than sephora though. i got weed. and i got a little gift basket thing for my neighbors across the hall

yes, friends: there are potential people to exchange words with in a communal manner once again.

i believe it's two lesbians, but i could be wrong. around my age. i see them go in and out of the building and they look friendly enough. ive been considering introducing myself for a while. but what really made me think i-need-to-introduce-myself-right-now is one of them is studying for the CPA exam. i can tell by the packages that get left outside the apartment building. i happened to see "CPA study materials" printed on the side of their parcel.

So I don't think I should let this opportunity slip away. i picked up some goodies for them as a uh... "hi im your neighbor" gift. (they've been here for a while so you can't really call it a house-warming gift) I bought halloween themed sugar cookie dough, to make them cookies. It's just the dough that comes in a tube, nothing special. Two chocolate bars, skittles, healthy veggie fries in case they're health nuts, and a new tubberware box to put it all in. I could've made it all look pretty, but i went for practicality. i get too much garbage from family, and idk if they feel the same way, but i don't think anyone's not going to appreciate a tubberware box. they'll at least have a neutral reaction to it.

it's already too late in the day to start on the cookies, and i had to work a bit today. so this gift basket will be done later in the week

wish me luck, but...

knowing me,

nothing will come of this

i need to think about what to do with the rest of my life.

i always feel guilty, all the time. that im broken, here'st something wrong with me, and i have to do something to fix myself. i think what i want to do is fix the fact that i exist. so i always feel like i have to keep working towards something, so i can become something that isn't me.

but im always me.

the fact that i exist is a problem.

i can chisel away at myself to become something different, but im always made of the same material

i wish i can stop feeling like im a problem

im a problem

sorry, i don't know what that was.

i was being emo yesterday, ignore me

idk why im getting made fun of for having an email. the fact that there is someone coming after me for this is cringe.

but here's my counterpoint: my emails sometimes are the difference of whether someone has to pay $30,000 or not. one email sent from me is worth as much as what you make in a year. has there been a single thing you ever said in your life that has been worth $30,000? probably not.

...

ok well now i feel like a prissy asshole for thinking my words are worth thousands of dollars. but idk how else to interpret the following: PSA to this lady, god damn it if you can't get me that information about your husband, you will owe an extra 30 grand in taxes. and it's just the simplest, teeniest bit of information. answer my emails, or pay up $30k. your choice, ma'am.

im gonna try calling her later and if i still can't reach her i give up.

don't feel too bad for her. she makes a million each year.

some things i drew/wrote while stoned this week that i can finally show you because my scanner is working:

cat is a WIP

i hope senpai notices me today and answers my emails...

god im so horny it's fucking obscene. i need to suck dick rn. i can't tell if im bored or anxious or what the fuck but i need dick. this is the one pillar i can stand on.

life is so sad and boring

id play somthing but im tired of sitting in front of a computer
im tired of watching a screen
im tired of feeling bored and alone.

i think i genuinely feel
like i enjoy hurting people for fun

Today's a game of what I would like to call bathtub. It's when you sit in a bathtub with bathwater and panic. You panic in warm, wet water and hope your boss doesn't call you because you're half naked in warm, wet water.

Clients scare the fucking shit out of me and I'm going to die.

godddd I sent the wrong information request to the wrong client. Dx

Oh, it's so fucking frustrating. Nothing about what I'm doing is hard, but it's all for the first time, so I'm getting thrown into a panic attack anyways.

why does being sad make me horny

people should leave me alone!

stop sending me emails about your taxes! i dont know what im doing here!

yall can go fuck urselves for waiting till the last minute! I kill u all

i need a hug 2day :c

t is out golfing tho bcuz he is popular and i am not golfing bcuz im an ugly little loser

i feel anxious. though, it's not like im afraid of anything... my head i think is moving too fast. i probably pushed myself too hard today, i was feeling nauseous at 4. i just want to do a good job, and there's a lot of mistakes on these returns. sloppy. unbelievably sloppy.

sounds like bad news, but I'm hoping it's good news. it means i know my shit. maybe it'll mean i get promoted quickly, though im not sure if i want that.

or maybe i'll just get used at this company.

gonna aim for invisibility here. i dont really want more responsibility rn, so i need to chill a bit and slack a bit. slack a normal amount. so im more forgettable. ... which is going to come in direct confrontation in doing things the way i think they should be done, which is with my best effort. (and the latter usually wins)

just fucking chill out, me. it's hard though, because it's other people's money. and that's kinda important. fuck, idk.

i have a fucking headache

i think the headache was caused by the vanilla candle i got. too much white girl smell. (but can you blame me? all i want is something soft and comforting as i work.)

im waiting for the smell and my headache to subside, because all ive been doing for the past few hours is staring at the computer trying to concentrate. and failing.

after utilizing chatgpt, i think my heart is fine. i should just start wearing a heart monitor when i exercise, make sure i drink water, and lay off the coffee beforehand. i'll mention it to my doctor in january though. (even though those skipped beats feel weird, i gotta stop being paranoid about it.)

I'm already halfway through the bookbug book this month. I'm enjoying it. Real critical view on childless working women though, so far. I feel like my situation is never represented in these discussions, nor my opinions. Even among other people who don't want to have children, like myself, I seem to have a very different view on it than them.

Still, there's a weird mystery to the book; a lot of situational parallels happening over a broad expanse of time. I'm eager to see how that'll play out.

It was validating to see the partner (aka owner) agree with me on a decision I made on one of the returns I did. It was kind of a big one. I decided that a client should file in California, because one of his businesses is generating a chunk of income from there. My predecessor didn't catch that, so it looked like he was going to pay a few grand in penalties for late filing. I was worried if the partner or client would be mad. But it looks like the partner agreed with my decision, and that my company ate the penalty for the mistake since it was our fault. So the client only has to pay very little, and I get to explain nexus to him.... exciting stuff. For me lol.

But then I forgot to do some of the work on another return before sending it off for review. Which is embarrassing.

You win some, you lose some.

god. i guess it is sleepy time.

it is october 6th and i have carpal tunnel. comes with my pro gaming career, (doing data entry with shitty wrist support). im getting a new mouse pad . im getting a new mouse pad. with a cushion

t and i went to a diner and i got apple cinnamon pancakes. i was a bit disappointed because i wanted more cinnamon apple... i dont rly like apples, but i like warm cinnanmon apples, like you'd find as a filling in apple pie.

we then attempted a hike, but the trail was extremely steep. turns out it wasn't the trail we meant to go on--it was a much harder trail. we did what we could. im worried about my heart. maybe paranoid about it. i just feel like something's wrogn with it because it keeps weirdly lurching sometimes instead of beating consistently. i got an ekg last year tho for other reasons, and that came out fine. that measures heart stuff. i think.

more alarmingly is t's knee. he has a bad knee from when he injured it half a decade ago. he did physical therapy (just one session tho smh), but it stills seems to hurt him now. hard for him to hike.

had to twist his arm about going to the physical therapist that one time. tf is it with men

well, i'll make him go again.

*gets distracted watching him cut chicken shirtless*

we talked about ppl's fear of aging on the hike, because i watched THE SUBSTANCE last night. i might write about that movie somewhere else.

i thought the blood at the end of the movie was fun, which is a new development. is now the time to get into slasher films? right at halloween too.

I think if you're trying to quit porn, if you replace your material with women doing something completely ordinary like talking/singing, that's worse than watching porn. And pretty creepy.

Like, what's going to happen if I have to work with you? I ask you a question about tax software, and you pop a boner? Wtf... go back to watching porn idc. Hope you ruin your life with it.

Anyways I don't want to work today but I don't have a choice, weh...

Massive accomplishment everyone: I'm on top of everything at work. I don't have to do a DAMN thing tomorrow! Fuck Yeah!

I'm kinda tired of people only talking to me because they feel bad for not talking to me. They feel bad because I'm nice to them and buy them stuff. It would be nice if people talked to me because they want to, and not out of guilt.

Big leap in attitude from when I was a kid. I think that's how F felt about me, looking back on it.

Hi. I don't think I'm doing too hot. But the good news is, because of my upbringing, I have the super power to suppress intense feelings of anxiety automatically, and subconsciously. So I only feel, maybe, a little off, if I sit down and pay attention to my body. But mostly pretty good.

Notice how the anxiety is suppressed, not gone. It's still affecting me. How do I know I'm anxious if I largely feel pretty good?

The only sure sign that I know of is that I'm not eating. I have to force myself to eat. I just don't feel hungry at all, but logically, I know I need food, so I force eating. (I'm contemplating moving away from dieting and eating like a king with take out, just to make sure I eat.)

I only know this as a sure sign that I'm anxious because when I wasn't taking any medication, I didn't realize I was feeling like this all the time. As soon as I started Prozac I started feeling less anxious around people, and my appetite returned. (I didn't realize it was gone.)

Other signs, in theory...

I keep having dreams about work, and my teeth breaking.

Lately it's been hard to think about anything else other than work. When work is over, when I'm too tired to work, all I want to do is sit in bed or sleep, waiting for the next day so I can do work again. It's strange. I feel like shrinking into a ball and not moving, frozen, waiting.

I have to consciously watch myself for these signs, and the temptation is to brush them off when I realize they're happening. If I realize they're happening. I only became self-aware of my anxiety in college, because I started getting panic attacks. There's the question of if my anxiety started in college, or if I've been dealing with it since my childhood. I knew very little about mental health for a long time. I didn't know what a panic attack was, what anxiety was, I didn't have the words to explain these feelings. But I do remember feeling afraid in middle school, chronically unable to sleep at night.

Anxiety is hard to deal with because it sneaks up on me. Depression is an old friend that I know inside and out. But not dealing with anxiety results in sudden panic attacks and me snapping at people. I think. As well as all the other things I said earlier.

It's work doing this to me. Despite the returns almost being complete and simple, I'm nervous about the position I've been put in on these returns. I've never had to communicate with clients before, or be the person responsible for knowing them inside and out. And I am totally, completely, winging it, with zero training.

I must go.

nothing to do but to wait for clients to send me their documents

a brief reprieve

(I hear the emails pouring in already. they can't make me go back there yet.)

fellas it's fall asleep friday where u fall asleep waiting for a call for answer to a question on a client you haven't worked on at all but still somehow responsible for. anything could happen with this guy. is he just telling us now that he sold his house? because what about that schedule D. i blame my predecessor if he sold a house and she didn't catch it.

even though i guess it doesnt matter because the gain is under 500k. maybe. iguess.

idk how i ended up here, or like, why im here. but if i think about it too hard, i'll have an existential crisis and get fired like last time.

still waiting. i don't feel like opening up the other return ive been working on because i just closed and opened everything 3 times in preparation for this call. im not doing it again. but that does mean i have to sit here slightly hungry and unable to move. idk, am i feeling less anxious?

whomp da domp dee domp. i want throw myself at a truck.

all the staff are offline. hm. they have a nice life. no cpa, can log on for 6 hrs a day and go offline whenever. paid less, sure. jobs threatened by outsourcing overseas, sure. but the lack of responsibility for a decent amount of pay must be nice.

id start talking about my managers, but as the plural indicates there's multiple of them. technically i could have an infinite amount of mnagers. isn't that something

nah, screw her, im going offline.

work computer froze

i don't really like being held liable for millions of dollars

Blew up at T this morning.

I know I'm a jackass for it, but I don't like financial risk much at all. It's part of why I chose this job. And T wants to start a business, or shoot off into a new branch of another company, and I'm sick and tired. He needs to get a fucking. Degree. In Engineering. Why the FUCK is he not getting excited about this and thinking about that. God fucking damn. He needs some fucking PAPER so he can have JOB SECURITY.

Yeah I know, I'm not a "follow your dreams" type. I'm very cynical about the world. Also I don't really have a "dream", it's all been just survival for me. I can't really empathize with him getting excited over whatever business idea he has.

I mean, maybe some day, he can start a business, sure. But can we, maybe, just fucking chill a bit?

I'm not twisting his arm into college. He says he wants to go. God I hope that's fucking true, because why do I have to prod him all the god damn time.

I need to calm the fuck down. I feel like an icy hand is gripping my heart. My body wants to curl up in a ball. Anxiety, fear. Why? Why over this?

Just calm down.

...

I'd be a terrible Mom. I just can't consider fanciful ideas anymore. If my kid started talking about becoming an astronaut I'd start talking about the repeated cuts to government funding for NASA and how close to impossible it is to get a job like that.

Can someone just kill me with a sledgehammer to the head?

Nothing like work completely resetting your emotional state so you feel okay again. :3

I am.... bleh.... weird anxiety in my chest. Didn't sleep well. These returns seem to go on forever idk.

Wish I didn't have to wear a bra @ wfh. It's strangling me. Maybe I just need to get a real thin one that at least covers my nipples.

I put dry shampoo in my hair today, because it took forever to wake up and I wanted to go easy on myself with looks today. This is the first time I've used dry shampoo on my bob, and let me tell you: it looks funny. My hair has become very moldable, I could probably point it up into a semi-mohawk. But it tend to stick out in an upside-down trapizoid shape 5 inches away from my heard. Quite wild. I seriously need new hairspray to prevent this with dry shampoo, or maybe get a different brand. I got an extra volume one and I really don't think I need it anymore.

T's getting a bachelor party because he actually has friends who want him to have one. I don't have friends so I don't get to have one. Which is depressing.

I don't know if I would feel lonelier not having a bachelorette party at all, or if I ironically threw a bachelorette party-of-one.

I think I will feel lonely either way.

...

I wanna write more, about how I'm not going to let loneliness be a deciding factor as to whether I should have a celebration of some sorts. Because I have ideas for a celebration, I guess. But I feel really sad. And it's draining to write.

I must clean the pigeon shit today. There's no other option. It smells terrible. Idk when I last cleaned the cage. I can't keep living like this.

They make me wanna puke sometimes, but I love them.

(I think T's losing a bit of his physique from his prior job, now that this one has less heavy labor. So long, my days of sleeping with a male model. Pretty bizarre how that was a thing that happened in my life anyways.

When I met T, he was skin and bone. He was underweight for pushing himself too hard at work, and not eating because of stress. We started dating, and I've never seen him that underweight ever since. Without really thinking about it he started putting on bulk again. And then this past job, with all the heavy lifting, started uh... sculpting him... wew...

I hope T doesn't get self-conscious about getting a bit less built, yanno? Sometimes he can get self-conscious about these things, but we're all aging. (Besides, no matter what happens, the dick will always be top notch.))

So the workload at work is uh...

...

I'm a bit nervous because I'm getting these seemingly easy projects, but then I look at all the stuff that still needs to be entered and it's insane.

Also there was the trust I started yesterday, and apparently it was due today and I had no idea. laugh crying emoji I got it done, but if I didn't start it yesterday, like I was tempted to do, I'd be totally fucked right now. :D So lets give a round of applause to past me for working on the weekend.

I'm not going to have a life for the next two weeks.

But you know what? It's fine. I'm finally being challenged now, and I'm enjoying the heat... I think. Idk how long that sentiment is going to last.

Expect boring entries about work in the near future. Sorry guys.

i want a little treat

good morning

i can't wake up today

kinda sick of drinking coffee all the time

tired of working

i crave cheese and cholocate rrrr

it's a new *CLAP* page *CLAP*

I'm doing that thing again where I'm trying to stay awake in order to delay starting the next day.

... Oh, Brewster is so mad that I turned off the light. And Peeko is so stinky...

I'm nervous about this coming week, and the tax deadline. I actually worked a bit today because it's expected of you in these times. Probably should've worked more though instead of making pages on this site. BUT. I'm new so how was eye supposed to kknow eh? :^)

I was hoping to get all the K-1 entry and client emailing done today, but one entity is a disaster. It's getting a dozen new K-1s, which, a dozen new K-1s are fine if they're simple. But these are from investments spitting out state K-1s in twenty different directions. I don't want to look bad and pass this on to a higher up but I don't have a choice. I did what I could on it. All my box 20 information is rusty. I don't want to sit on it and try and figure it all out only to get yelled at for spending too much time on it.

Weh...

I seriously don't think my other tasks are like this though. I don't think they knew this one would be a motherfucker when they gave it to me.

Hell, one return is just a W-2. Why do we KEEP these clients when we're understaffed?!?!?!

I've only been at this job for 5 minutes, but listen: the fact that I'm working directly with the partner means it's understaffed. Lmao.

I told T that I'm getting worse with spamming A. It's true. Why did I tell him now? I guess there's two reasons:

1. Jealousy. A's going after someone else right now. I shouldn't feel jealous, and really, most of me is not. A small part of me is. Or maybe I just fear becoming jealous? I can't tell. But if I'm drunk or high, I think my inebriation will enable any feelings I'm not supposed to feel, as well as bad behavior. I guess I'm afraid of becoming a lot worse.
2. I've been watching true crime about Jeffery Dahmer, to get along with people at work. (I guess it's normal to do this a little bit, and also I like true crime.) And shit man, he feels a lot of what I feel. He has a lot of other things wrong with him, but I'm pretty sure he and I share a few mental disorders. Not getting along with people, and freaking out when they leave. ... I don't kill people. But I've done things most people wouldn't do because I don't like people leaving. That I can get into legal trouble for if charges are pressed.

So I told T about it. A's kind of like my virtual punching bag, though sometimes I want to mend things. It's a fucking mess, how I feel about him. Part of what draws me back is working on forming a conclusion on how I feel about him. I have to stop doing this. I asked T if he could help me...

I'm going to start doing less weed, and only do it around T. I'm gonna give him my laptop and phone when I do, so I don't feel tempted to look at A's profile online. The spamming usually happens when I'm inebirated, because it numbs out my shame and sense of right and wrong. I feel like I can get away with anything, and that I don't have to worry about anything, and that nothing matters. Gives me hits of dopamine, fucking with him. So T holds onto the weed, and once I give him my laptop and phone I can have one.

I told him too that he should stop me when he sees me doing it too.

I walked up a giant mountain today with him, when I told him all of this. My physical strength has drastically improved, even though my weight hasn't. It was easier than I expected!

...I hope I become better.

I'm staying an hour later at work today. Might as well work late and skip traffic, considering the shit that fell into my lap. I can't believe this is happening to me. I think the guy who hired me is surprised as well, because he wasn't told. I seriously hope no one blames me if I do a bad job. This is a hard hand I've been dealt.

I feel like crying.

No one's going to help me.

I can't think like this. Crying is going to burn my energy and give me a headache, ruminating on all of this is going to make me depressed instead of getting things done. And I really shouldn't blame myself for whatever happens, because I've had no training and I'm only given two weeks to complete this. It's absurd.

I really hope the partner I'm talking to today isn't a dick.

Partner's a dick.

He stood up our meeting and then rescheduled. But I hardly understood what he was saying about his clients. It was a terrible time.

Also why is the partner working with me instead of middle management? I don't wanna talk to the fucking partner god damn.

I'm dead tired.

Tbh all I did was send emails all day. Asking for documents. I will say the returns look really easy. Did I already say that? Idk. The returns look easy, the hard part is figuring out how to write an email. Wtf am I supposed to say. "bitch get your documents in". Spent most of the day figuring out the phrasing of emails. I gotta come up with a template. Or Chatgpt will for me.

Fuck writing business emails. I will generate them. Besides, people want me to get shit done fast, right?

WFH today, nothing to do. I was going to go into the office today, but I stayed up late binging Netflix true crime. I woke up 30 minutes before work, so I just threw something on and sat down in front of the computer. I don't think they really care whether I actually make it into the office twice a week, but they might, so I've been doing that.

I need to make several webpages on this site still, I know. I need a quick and dirty one of shows I've watched, small summaries. To jog my memory, so I have more to say in conversations.

Uh, holy fuck, I was put on as a tax manager for a client. I'm senior staff?????!?!?!?!?!!?!? And apparently the partner says this is correct??!?!?!?!?!?!?! WTF I'M TERRIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF DOES THIS MEAN????????????????????

I'm crying, I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm going to die. Fuck. WHY?! I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 3 WEEKS. IS ANYONE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THE HELL A TAX MANAGER IS SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!?!?!?!? Do I have to talk to clients? Because that's terrifying. why wtf. I have zero training for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So apparently I had 26 tasks assigned to me 3 weeks ago and NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME AND THEY'RE DUE IN 2 WEEKS, AND IVE BEEN JUST SITTING HERE THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME IM--

Lonely night. Night alone. Am I good enough. No, I'll never will be.
toe sucking for the dick sucking
floating on sky blue paint. the water and the sky are the same.

nah, not even eating a bunch of bullshit and getting high can make me feel any better.

i shouldn't even feel bad, nothing matters. even if i get yelled at or fired. it will not matter. this life is a slog. there's suffering every day, and all you can control is the type.

yep, i went into work again and i have nothing to do. got all the assignments done and ppl are too busy to give me more work. or maybe there's no easy 1040s available for me to do, which is what they had me on.

im not anxious anymore thankfully. i can think with a clear head again. this shit so far is easy.

despite being bored, the upside of all of this is i get an excuse to wear pretty dresses and makeup during the week, when i go to the office.

… shit. is P ok? should i nudge him? (he’d probably think im being silly and hyper-femme, which i am)

…

Nah, it hasn't been a month yet since I last messaged, Imma wait…
by this burger place with an outdoor eating area for dogs.

Yeah I just kinda left work to walk around a bit. Ass hurts from sitting. No one's contacted me. Idk why someone would bring their dog to this area for burgers, but I’m sure the dog appreciates it.

This area is a bit weird. Nice, but there's something kinda weird about the nearby shops and I don't really know why. You have the outdoor eating area for dogs. You have the window store. You have the frame store. I think the window and frame stores are weird because they're seperated. I feel like the windows guy and the frames guy should team up and open a window frame store. And they can be brothers. They have kids and start a long lineage of window framers. Eventually "Frame" becomes a last name for people, and it's in those baby name books that says Frame's been a name for thousands of years. And the original frames brothers are laughing in the sky knowing their blood will take the earth.

There's also this golf simulator store. Which sounds gayer than actual golfing.

I think this area says, "we were supposed to be a yuppie hip area but we failed, and have half our leaseable storefronts are empty, and we have window and frames stores and maybe next we'll open a rolling pin store."

I'm searching for a path to Target. Behind the weird outlet is a massive Target and CVS Pharmacy. Unfortunately, the shortest distance to Target involves crossing through a small woods, which I shouldn't do in work clothes, but it's tempting. Very tempting to cross the forbidden woods into the smoke break area behind the Target...

There's also a sidewalk, but it would be a longer route.

Well, I only wanted to be out here for 30 min.

…

Ah the one fucking time I leave, my boss calls. Maybe he called by accident because he hasn't replied to me asking him about that. (He never replied)

The only interesting thing about the rest of the work day was I asked C and IT guy what their favorite pizza toppings are. C seems like a really nice person that actually thinks about things. I'm happy to know her. :) And I just like scaring IT guy. I mean, idk if he really cares. I'm trying to take advantage of the fact that we're in different departments; I think I can afford to be more unfiltered with people in different departments and it not backfiring. We'll see though.

C likes veggie and IT guy likes meat lovers. Sun and Moon energies.

I don't know why I'm terrified of getting reviewed by my boss. The anxiety is horrible. I keep feeling like I'm going to puke. I keep thinking I'm about to get fired. I want to cry. It's 20 minutes before work.

I can't... I can't get like this. I know my first job out of college, I got fired from. I guess, even now, that still fucks with me. Even after all the work I've done. I thought I'd be immune from the fear that I'm not good enough. That I'm going to fall on my ass again and ruin my life.

They're fucking K-1s, the easiest fucking thing in the world. He's probably only going to yell at me about the stamps and that's it. Because fuck Adobe. I think I did everything else right.

Hi, A, again.

I always turn to the two of them when I want to escape this self-doubt. Escaping the real world. Even though it's painful, at least the memories of them are not in the present anymore.

Today's my Dad's birthday.

Okay so I did good on the K-1s lmao. What I didn't realize though is I didn't get hired at an accounting firm, but for Boss Jumpscare Incorporated. If you send a message to anyone in this company at all they WILL video call you a few minutes later with no warning. There's no, "hey, can I call you?" No. 0 warning. No time to emotionally prepare yourself for speaking to another person. Get fucked by words, bitch.

And my boss will just be like: fuck you I'm calling right now even if you didn't contact me at all that day. Pray you're not pissing.

It's so crazy. Extroverted ass company. And there's people here who will video call you in what can be answered in a message. Monsterous behavior.

It's scary for my social anxiety but we make do.

The only real concern is I let my pigeons out and I'm afraid Brewster is going to start cooing, because he does so every time he hears my voice. So far no one has complained about the cooing, but it's hard for me to hear other people. So I need to get noise cancelling headphones just for the work computer.

My Dad forgot it was his birthday today.

I think my boss is happy with me? I'm getting the work done faster than he expected. He actually told me to slow down. But there was a small smile I think.

Have to drive in tomorrow so it's time for weed. To hopefully make me more sociable idk.

fucking strange how we all have rooms now. i had this feeling come over me, a realization, i actually have all the stuff in this room. i worked for a lot, got a lot, and it's all in this room with me.

like, i own a lot of shit

and it's not something stupid that my mom put in my room. it's a thing i actually thought was cool, what i actually wanted? all this stuff is cool to me now, and my surroundings aren't something im obligated to put with. or "make do" with. no, i own the things here, and i can feel safe and happy.

what happened to me?

what the hell happened to me?

i once was so afraid.

why does it feel like i've known this fear my whole liffe? there isn't a time when i learned about the fear. it's something i don't remember learning, it just came with me, with my awarencess, my sconsciousness.

why have i known about this feeling from such a young age? who or what built this on me? who sewed it into my body?

desspite owning everythingin this room, it sucks i can't be high like this all the time. i think ive just been sitting here covered in my own cum for the past hour, elated, sobbing.

go back to a normal life, do the work to maintain this. to visit this when you can with happy little pills and grass.

getting high at a metal concert was one of the best nights of my life. thinking about getting high. to be awashed with music, floating along.

yeah, i have to go back to the real world.

dancing high and pantsless to doom metal.

I'm sorry, I. I'm sorry my Mom made me do those things to you. I remembered your family having dinner together, and how much you and your sibilings talked. And your Mom and Dad talking so much. And it was so strange to me, because at my dinner table, only my parents talked, and the rest of us were expected to be silent. It's been that way as far as I can remember.

i don't wanna work today

where did my hair cutting scissors go, for my bangs...

I think if I just start watching true crime again, I'd get along with 90% of people at work. Especially if I get a Netflix subscription and watch true crime on there. So I'm just gonna do that.

also i embarrassed myself in front of IT guy because I sent in a ticket, and the problem was I forgot my software needed dual-authentication. And then when I was trying to sign in we were sharing my screen, he watched me fuck up my password 5 times.

Boss: Hi

Me: Hi

Boss: I need you to stay after 5 today.

Me: Mkay

Boss: I need you to enter 10 K-1s. I will give you 2 of them now. Tell me when you're done.

Me: Mkay

*Does K-1s*

Me: Okay I'm done the 2 K-1s. Send me more.

*Boss = Idle*

Me: ... Boss? Boss?

I'm giving him an hour to come back online or I'm logging off.

I feel better today. Damn. I hate my brain.

I'm not listening to the evil thoughts and I'm buying some new slacks for work today. I also need to buy shoes, which means I'll be forced to leave this apartment unfortunately. Meh...

The weight watchers app is dogshit and breaks all the time. How is a big corporation like weight watchers able to get away with this? Well, I just need the recipies. Maybe I'll just cancel my subscription. T and I have figured out it's just making me do a keto diet, anyways.

I should exercise today as well since I have the motivation.

Okay but what about actual fun? Shouldn't I have actual fun? God damn. Go play Deadlock! Stop grinding!

I would also like to congradulate myself for encountering a sexy man on Reddit and not engaging with him. There is something about mean men that turns me on. I like fiery, opinionated men, especially ones that are funny. Even if their opinions aren't politically correct at all, and completely against my values.

Unfortunately this is what I'm attracted to.

So yanno, congrats to me for not speaking to him and only replying to one of his comments like a normal person. Congrats on acknowledging people are hot, and letting them go.

utter failure at buying clothes today. the website (Lane Bryant) refuses to take and of the cards I have including T's, so I've given up on it. which is a shame because their clothes are really comfortable and look nice. I went to the mall briefly and I didn't like any of the shoes there... and they were all $100. Awful.

Exercised today, so I have a lot of energy. But I'm not sure what to do. I already played Deadlock, and I'm getting bored of it. T is very sick so he's resting.

Guess I'm just gonna sit here, getting high.

I want this so bad. It's $150 though and the shop closed. Damn it.

looking at necklaces. necklases

necklasers

da wahmen

necklace:

oooooohhhhhh this thing is chopping up my fockin ears. love it. love it love it love it

rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :3q

___d

< :3p

<'_<

hopefully that turns out well.

need sweet item O-O

omg hey cashier! hey! omg im sooooo sorry ToT

(me n IT guy <3)

(all i know about him is his profile picture. and he has fun filling IT tickets)

man it's kinda nice not nowing anything about someone. you can think things about them and there's no consequence.

i can just head cannon about IT guy in my head and never get to know him. and he can be a completely made up guy with a physical body for some reason.... omg. this is like. how people feel when the see someone they never met before and get horny. is this what goes on in their heads? huehuehue the bastards........ (whats going on is two people having a conversation)

maybe i should just make up people as my friends. we got IT guy. one.

A.

"sailing on a glitched sea
i wonder
i wonder about you
and all you do
are you from the moon?
tell me things that are new"

"living as children
living
living their lives
my prescence in their breath
my voice in their lives
all women
the round torture
plague of god
we are
we are

gun to head, pretty cry
god's angels fell because they weren't good enough
i know my place
i know
live in me, come in side

it's a lake"

"what is ahead
sun orange pink skies
a wooden boat
straw sandals in the heat of noon
ocean spray
the excitement of children
sea gulls high
we losing ourselves
we're losing ourselves
there's nothing we can do"

"the boat skips ahead
and im pulled into the horizon
clouds zoom
a storm of cotton candy
sprinkles, chocolate pies"

B.

There's nothing to do but wait
For a better time
get comfortable
look, Lad can play the drums
it won't be bad

C.

small bug
what are you doing?

D.

the scare of responsibility
you're getting fucked
in the ass
and there's nothing you can do

hear the bells screaming
the ones in your pockets
you open it

it's your boss.

feeling okay?

big man wide tux face is a pyramid
and you're not okay
your ass is up
your face in the sand
the sea fills your mouth
you will never be okay after This
the sun glares

you dissapate

E.

cowboy

F.

you're lost, it's the dead of night

the swamp a deep blue
blue paint pours out of your ears

you're doing This
no one's ever okay after This
a whirlpool in your mouth
and im in there laughing
you're filled with a thick, evil paint and you ruin everything you touch
no one's ever going to forgive you
and i don't feel sorry for you

get out of here dog

G.

get over it

ultravisitor best

this might just be the best album I've ever heard.

:3

"ah i see we're doing this again"

calming down,hm?

if they leagalize shrooms in Mass im going to become so annoying

yanno, maybe if they legalized shrooms and we could all do a level 5 ego death if we want to, maybe things would get better. maybe a lot of problems would be fixed.

*TYPES HOW TO GET A LEVEL 5 EGO DEATH, FURIOUSLY*

what if i just ended everything thing i said on a higher inflextion of my voice.

i think it's time to let it go. it's 9 pm. uh. usually my bedtime now. time to go to bed, unfortunately. .

new song on the front paggggggggggeeeeeeee

oh shit it's the first day of fall

i took my pigeons out of the cage and for some reason they decided to hang out on the ground in the kitchen. unusual, but good for them.

what to do today.

X is slow to get back to me. He's popular with his own friend group so that's probably why. P and I haven't had a real conversation in 2 months and im a bit worried about him. I can't get Tf to open up through text, so I'll have to invite her somewhere, some time. Don't know when. Reddit girl idk. Hard to make conversation, tired of prompting her. People at work--decided to wait after the tax deadline to make small talk. T is out today with coworkers and is also fixing an emergency oil spill at the factory he works at. A is A. F is F.

there's a lot of hobbies i could get into today... I should just do what I want, even though I'm feeling obligated to finish the current bookbug book. I actually do really enjoy it, I just have a hard time getting myself motivated to read it. I'm lacking motivation for a lot of things right now. Like I said in another post, lamotrigine had a good run but I think we're nearing the end of it.

I definitely don't feel like thinking today. And I haven't been in the mood for self-improvement for a while... maybe it's the winter weather? I tend to do something insane every year in December/January. 2 years ago it was a suicide attempt.

I should probably exercise. That'll keep my energy up, but I have the birds out right now, so I should figure out something to do out here with them. Meh...

my depression is hitting hard today. i don't feel like doing anything except ruminating over the past. i managed to clean the kitchen for T tomorrow though. (T is also having a terrible day with the oil spill. Apparently it was the worst the company's had, and he was the last guy who worked on the machine, so it might be his fault. I hope they're not being too hard on him...)

otherwise, ive just been listening to doom/sludge metal. deeply stretching too so my back and body hurt less.

im managing to do a few things, yeah, but I still feel like shit... here's some of the things i keep ruminating on and reliving in my head:

• The time when I was a teenager, and I told F I loved him despite dating my ex at the time. And getting rejected again. Countless times I've been rejected by him. Countless words I've said him with no response. Why did he keep talking to me after rejecting me several times. Why did he spend so much time with me and then leave. Why did he hurt me. And the guilt that weighed on me long after, crushing me, even long after my ex betrayed me as well. And the guilt now with T. It just keeps going. That night I told F I loved him was the worst night of my life.
• I'm a terrible person.
• Getting ditched at the waterpark when I was in middle school. It was a band field trip, and I was incredibly, incredibly unpopular. I was getting bullied nearly every day. We were supposed to have a buddy system, and pair up with someone in class to do things at the waterpark with. My buddy ditched me and I was alone at the park. She snuck away when I had my back turned.
• I'll never be normal.
• My Mom screaming at me for a solid hour or so about how I didn't leave the kitchen perfectly spotless after cleaning it. And when I moved out, the kitchen turned into a shitstorm, and they never clean it to the standard I was held to. That's going to stick with me for life.
• My parents not preparing for the time they have to pass my brother on to me, and setting all that legal stuff up, and I guess basically I'm going to have to do that.
• Feeling like I'm going to get fired at my new job. I won't be able to do it, and I'll get fired. I shouldn't celebrate the fact I've landed this job yet, and spend a bunch on things I need, because I might get fired. And so all that spending would be pointless.
• My office shoes are so worn they're falling off my feet. I keep tripping over them at work. Yet, I'm afraid of buying new ones, because what if I get fired? then it'll feel silly to have these shoes. The shoes would be a reminder of what I lost and that I'm a terrible person.
• Afraid that T got fired from his job, because he hasn't answered his phone. And he'll lose his mind, and I'll lose my mind, and we'll suffer.
• I expect people to insult me, ignore me, hate me. It's always going to be a thing, so I should just get used to it. Which is why no matter how many times I'm told to fuck off, or how many messages go unanswered, I'll always keep coming back. There's no hope for anything better than this. I should be happy that I get to have this. I'm a loser with no hope for a friend, after all.
• i want to mutilate F, but I miss him

i took a nap and now i feel better. like always.

I uhhhhhhhhhhh... left my laptop charger at work. Fuck. So it's mostly fully powered, I think. (I don't really trust the battery life meter on this thing.) But I'm running it on the lowest power and putting it to sleep/waking it up in 15 min increments to conserve power. I just bought a second charger on Amazon for monday, it'll come in tomorrow and hopefully it will work. If not I'll have to go in Monday.

And God what if I REALLY lost it? shit.

im so disorganized. Idk why i work this job.

so it's three pm, 2 hours before work ends. my snooze/wake cycle for the laptop worked, and i think i can get away with today without no one noticing i left my charger at work. i still have no work yet and its been two weeks, lmao...

easiest jerb ever if only my anxiety wasn't waiting for the drop

im listening to ultravisitor by squarepusher and it has many dimensions. one song in particular sounds like breakcore drum patterns, but this was made in 2004. this must've been an influence on the breakcore sound id imagine.

some of the rap of the time, you can hear its influence in this too.

peeko is a machine that turns seed into shit while look as cute as possible

i feel bored tonight. a bit lonely. i don't have much to say today, really. my life is pretty boring. kind of just waiting for this day to end so tomorrow can begin. i feel hungry, but i don't wanna gain weight, so im not eating.

ah, i didn't take the meds today... that's probably why im feeling like this. fuck.

getting used to having a job again is hard. i keep forgetting the meds because im trying to wake up my brain and get ready to go to work.

im so tired lol.
my legs have hurt all day for absolutely no reason at all. all i can think of is i did that thing again where i sleep with my legs in the air. it's a very strange thing i do when im dead asleep sometimes. i lift my legs up in the air and cross them... indian style? man that sounds racist. were we all really told in 1sst grade to sit on the ground to "cross our legs indian style" fr? like the meditative position? we just called it indian style? lmao
anyways sometimes i lift my legs up in the air and do that in my sleep idk why. but it's probably why my legs hurt.
i went in the office today. i have no office shoes. the ones i had don't fit me anymore because they're so warped from use. my makeup was too dark for my outfit. the flats i wore were too dressy for my dress. i didn't wear socks with the flats i wore so i got blisters. my appearance was disasterous today.
but it's just work
i met my boss finally and he's into podcasts and music so that's a win in my book. seems chill
whole place seems chill
too chill?
im still worried im gonna get fired from this place for doing a shit job. it's scary to just be waiting to do my first return. i need to prove to myself that i can do this job by doing a return, but i can't DO that until one is assigned to me. fuck
so ive been looking at prior year workpapers and looking at what other people did, and trying to follow along. so far, ive been able to for the most part, so i think i will be okay. still, im so scared of making an embarrassing noob mistake and everyone hating me forever. :(
but shit im noticing bad typos on things. like really stupid errors, and no one caught them? i guess? that or im stupid. but i dont think im stupid... this time...
G had such a clean process; that doesn't exist here, it seems. G's process made errors easy to spot.
his returns were smaller tho. maybe
we'll see. i still have to keep going through the prior year papers.
i kinda hope no one assigns me anything tomorrow actually, so i can have more time doing this...

im tired though. i want a life again. i want the weekend. i want to reconnect with my interests, and start working towards some personal goal that isn't boring like weight loss. dieting and maintaining physical health is very boring and takes a lot of damn time.

i don't wanna drink a third coffee today, c'mon man...

bad news, we psychologically hurted ourselves

ppl at this job saying shit like "imperative," "i cannot stress the importance enough," and "high producer"

i was assigned something by mistake, but it was definitely something i could've done after poking through it a bit. confidence-building moment!

i have to go in again tomorrow and it sucks... wait i got money today

...

yaaaaaaaaaay bank account not hemorraging aanymore

u didnt think id forget u guys?

i'll never forget u....

I haven't checked A's profile since Saturday, which is a good thing. I really fell off the past month or so on that, checking nearly every day. I feel happier, but I still have the urge. I'm still attracted to him. I fantasize about him a lot... wondering what he feels like, how he smells... what would've happened if we had let ourselves fall into passion.

Something dark and twisted about it all, and hard to forget. Something freeing as well, letting myself finally break at the seams that hold my composure and restraint together. My damn morality. It always wins. I can't explain the hold it has over me. There's something that guides me, some sort of voice or higher self, maybe? When it speaks, I follow. There is no choice.

Maybe fate and destiny are real, maybe God is real.

Maybe it's only real for some people though. It's real to me. I just don't know if it's God.

I feel like a path is laid out before me that I can't diverge from, anyways. I know where I'm walking, the trouble right now is, figuring out how to pass the time as I walk.

Once again, I repeat: I really need to study Buddhism more. I think that speaks to me the most. Maybe it's time for that again. I just need to find a Sangha, a community, to worship with. Because I need direction from the monks.

board @ work

who else up bored out of their minds trying to not psychologically hurt themselves for a thrill

should i make a guestbook? hmmm

there's ppl on this site i wanna talk to, but my emotions are intense, and im loud. i used to be very quiet because i was scared of others, but i can't stand being like that anymore. i go through life unafraid of anyone.

this is no surprise to anyone reading this. a big reason why i keep updating this so frequently is because i don't want to bother people with the constant bullshit in my head that needs to be expressed. i often overwhelm people.

i wish people could pour their hearts into me, because i can take it. maybe.

maybe not.

i used to be able to, but maybe not any longer. i don't know. have i become too angry, or am i finally recovering from that because of what happened in January? i don't know.

i should really eat, but i don't feel like it. it feels like a pain in the ass, setting aside time to sit down and eat. T wouldn't be happy if i didn't eat though, and there's already been a couple times this week where I felt dizzy from not eating.

i messaged the IT guy at work today, and asked him what he does for fun. he said he answers IT tickets. i pressed on the subject, and he stopped replying.

i will try him again next week

X and i talked a bit today though, mostly about work. i guess we need to find something else to do though, cuz that's gonna get boring quick. maybe we're both being boring as hell because we're just happy to have someone to talk to. im gonna ask him if he knows anything about mahjong

that was basically my day today. not much to do at work still.

okay so, hi.

people are rich as FUCKING SHIT at my job. one girl is living out of her parent's vacation home. another does rowing, which idk it gives off an aquatic golfing vibe to me. my manager graduated from Bentley. it's so bizarre.

i actually like the rower girl most so far, so i don't really mean to be mean to her. i felt a good vibe between us when we talked. like she knows how to carry a conversation, which is kinda what i need in my life rn.

it's just a culture shock i suppose. im just fucking from a middle class family. idk, maybe these people are just the exception and people aren't generally coming from rich parents.

I do judge ppl pretty hard at first, when i meet them. It's a bit of my Mom in me, plus hypervigilence from getting bullied growing up. And I'm doing that now, I know. To me: just don't listen to it.

if i could get into rowing, i'd burn so much fat omg. it'd be so fucking hard tho. but there's water, and trees....

someone from the discord server got back to me, and we're talking. call him X. (not sure what im gonna do when I run out of letters to call ppl)

with all the reaching out im doing, somebody's gotta click with me, right?

yesterday was not my best

idk though, i still might end up using that app when i feel really bad

The rando on reddit was a porn account. got the unsolicited dick pic after 5 sentences of conversation. i think he was an actual, desperate dude, because he deleted the picture after i called it sad

a bot wouldn't care about a dick pic

...

the car's on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows

the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs
with the radio on and the curtains drawn

we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death

I'm reaching out to people from the discord server I left a year and a half ago. I don't think any of them were told what happened between me and C. I guess C doesn't hate me, but I will always feel guilty for how I handled that. I can't show my face to him.

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about what happened between him and I here--I might've--but I don't think I should. It would upset him. In fact, I'm going to try to find the story and erase it.

I promise you this: whatever you suspect happened, it's far, far, from what you think.

Anyways, I'm reaching out to other people from the server. Hopefully I hear back. You know how it goes.

yeah ive definitely been more depressed lately. i keep laying around for hours, sunk in bed. lamotrigine had a good run, but maybe we're nearing the end.

imagine being a popular youtuber with a friend group. like, it just seems fake. maybe friends don't actually exist, and so i don't have to feel bad about not having them.

lonely-ass world.

I talked to chatgpt about some of this. I haven't really used it in a while. It's getting a bit scary, how much it can mimic human tone through text. the people in charge of it are clearly moving away from using it for business, and trying to develop it for companionship.

i feel like i have a crosshair on my head. im the prime target for these people.

T and I played a lot of Warframe today, when I wasn't moping in bed. I tried to not mope in bed all day. Progress is slow in that game, and I'm feeling a little bored of it because it's very samey. There's a lot of grinding for materials. Idk though, maybe tonight was just a bad night. We failed a lot of bounties, which is disheartening. The game's version of "protect the escort" are for some reason extremely hard on Venus, and the escort keeps dying. Meh... T's defenses seem to be not great as well, he keeps dying.

ive been overdue for Chatgpt's analysis of this thing, right? Right.

...

i think the reels have gotten so long, i can't get a decent answer out of the AI anymore. i would have to break this thing into a million chunks, and ask it to analyze each one seperately. i just don't feel like doing that.

no messages from anyone yet. i see people online, but, there is nothing.

*yawn*

I went for a morning walk with T in the woods. We sat by a river for a while. It's a good trail! Great for my fat ass, real easy.

Rando contacted me on Reddit last night, not much has been said yet. Doesn't seem like a porn account, yet. Can't see the post history. Hopefully that goes well.

I'm thinking of doing that paid-to-play-videogames-with-you service this weekend. I kinda don't want to do it, it's embarrassing and sad. I think I just need to rip the bandaid off and do it. I don't know if I'm that unlikeable, or if society is fucked. I mean, plenty of people hate me. So maybe I really do just suck.

yeah i finally did it. i paid someone to talk to me. it kinda sucked because he couldnt engrish. i think he was surprised getting a woman paying for the service. (surprised meaning… you know what i mean) he was constantly asking about me too, and fuck man. i already write in this. i want something new to write about, i was hoping he’d say something about himself.

it sucked but im willing to try it again. find someone whose bio is written well so i know they can text. i guess the most popular service is voice chat + videogame, but id rather get a feel for people through text first.

ah… what if this site is just a bunch of scammers wanting my money.

can't tell if i feel lonelier before or after doing this. i think im judging myself over this too much. it’s been really hard finding people. it’s been hard for me to get along with people my entire life. and as an adult, and it seems hard for people to socialize even if they were popular as a kid. and people go insane over feeling loneliness. i sure did. my mom did. plenty of people have and won't admit it. people hurt people because of it. im hurting because of it. i hurt myself because of it. something has to be done, and money's what i have.

here's the other thing too: yes i know it's easy to get ppl to talk to me online. i could just throw on a female gender marker and my cleavage and wa-la. im tired of ppl only talking to me for that though. i feel like if im paying ppl they'll behave more. idk.

…

nah man. the more i sit on it–i just can't. even though logically it makes sense, the connotations are degrading.

yet, it feels like what i deserve. i can't keep stalking/harassing people. no normal solution has worked. i don't feel like ive paid for what ive done.

i have to do something about this. i just need to get over feeling shit about myself for doing this.

i wish i could help more people. i have this special ability where I can pick up the phone and start calling people about insurance and finance and other things like that, and i could easily do it on another person's behalf. and there's ways legally where you can do it on another person's behalf. but that would require people trusting me with sensitive information and, understandably, people aren't really keen of doing that online. the people who do things like this are usually lawyers, but you have to have a lot of money to afford them. i'd charge like, twenty bucks a call or something. can't give you advice on what you should do, but i can place the call for you and figure out what you need to do to get what you want.

social workers do this too, for the people who really need it and can't afford it. maybe i should get into that in my free time.

Had the rape nightmare wake me in the middle of the night again. I forget what's said to me when I'm getting bullied at the beginning, but I'm sitting at those brown tables in school cafeterias. The lights are dark, and we're supposed to be watching a movie on a projector, but this guy taps on my shoulder and making fun of me.

And I feel scared, frozen, unable to say anything. Can't look him in the eye, staring at the linoleum ground. Maybe I'm blushing. I try to jeer back at him, but my tongue felt like it was made of lead, and it came out in a stammer. "J-J-Just admit you're into me."

Shit like that used to happen every day for me.

Boring day at work. Not much to say. I feel like I'm going crazy with how samey the days are.

brother my head hurts the alcohol is real

hard wear like wearing dicks

god needs to understand that i am baby and i cannot do a 4 part IT course for my job

plus side is i saw a hawk fly next to the window im across from. it was pretty rad

other plus side is i have no manager yet so ive been doing what i want pretty much

still scared of getting a tax return assigned tho

what if no one realizes im here except HR, and i just get to sit on my ass with no manager and nothing assigned to me. and i just collect paychecks

it would be the dream

a crooked dick can't be straight

TIL yellow conduct = insensitive, reactionary, rude

"it's imperative to color code negative behavior so people don't feel attacked."

gonna start telling people their conduct is piss

we're using "microaggression” in hr training, fr? was this written by an actual person

i hate how happy i get when i receive messages at work, even if it's just the IT guy or the HR girl fixing something mundane. i keep imagining these people are my friends just because they answered a work-related message, like they're paid to do. im so socially starved.

im so pathetic

Today I'm in the office, not much to do so it's gonna be a drag. The office manager didn't know I started, so she’s a bit flustered. Whatever.

Download 100 Years of Solitude on my phone I guess.

Well I had to run home because I forgot my social security card, which HR needs to see. So I'm at home now fucking off. I'm glad, because it got me out of staying at the office all day.

I had a dream last night of getting bullied at school by a guy. Then I was raped by him and four of his buddies. It wasn't a good dream, though it didn't disturb my sleep much, and I don't remember much of it thankfully. My kinks died down a lot since January, and I'm pretty vanilla in my tastes now. Maybe a few toys occasionally, but that's it.

I feel awake enough finally to enjoy some gaming tonight. Thank christ, the past few days have been boring.

can we stop lying about anime not being mainstream? my hero academia merch gets sold in walmart, for fuck's sake.

I keep feeling completely exhausted at the end of the day, and I don't like it. Right around at 3pm I crash. Maybe it's the sleep. Maybe I'm waking up too early. (I'm waking up at 5am to wish T off.)

Peeko and I have our periods sync'd.

period started when the twin towers fell, what does that mean

Peeko laid a weird bumpy egg. It's most likely that she ate too much grit, but it could be a sign of something more serious. (Yeah, pigeons eat rocks for calcium, for egg laying. I think cats also eat stones but for digestive reasons?) Her energy seems fine. The only thing that's off is she's acting more disinterested in her fake eggs than usual, so I hope she doesn't start laying a bunch too fast.

I'm so bored of Reddit.

This job so far is the most relaxed and casual job I've ever had. I say before returns start getting assigned to me. Maybe I'll change my mind.

Apparently no one gives a fuck when you show up to work, as long as you get all of your work done. Thank fuck for that, because I'm chronically 30 minutes late to everything.

Which also means I don't have to be at my computer when there's nothing to do. Right now I've hit that point, because I'm still having trouble accessing a lot of software. I have a three o clock meeting tomorrow with the IT guy.

... it's boring, waiting until the end of the day. I'm still nervous about completely leaving the work computer before 5, so I'm just watching it for any messages while writing in here.

I guess one thing is I'm still worried about getting assigned a higher title than I was expecting. I'm afraid I'm going to make extremely stupid mistakes, and of people wishing they didn't assign me a senior status. I don't know why I got this job; I was expecting an experienced tax staff position.

I'm still feeling pretty lonely. Too many empty hours with no one to talk to.

I don't know how people can be happy alone, in their own world. You get so bored of yourself, at least I do. I wanna hear about other people's lives.

My sleep is still bad. I woke myself up last night by talking to myself in my sleep. I was making a joke about phones, I think? The loudness of my voice woke me up. I've been afraid of taking any weed because I think that might have something to do with the obnoxiousness of my dreams.

The wfh dream is to sit in a discord call with someone I really like, who is also wfh. And we just work on our own thing, not really talking, maybe just to vent to each other about work every once in a while. The silence between us would be comfortable. It would make things less lonely.

F and I could've had that. I don't think he'd understand why I'd want to do this though. I don't think most people would understand at all.

My Mom, I think, used to be a nicer person. But the cancer, my special needs brother, my father's emotional abandonment, destroyed her. Growing up was slowly watching her die. And now I don't know what she is anymore, something inhuman, full of rage. She doesn't treat other people humanely, so, it's hard to call her human.

I think she used to be a nicer person, but maybe my memories of her as a young child are inaccurate, because you can only understand so much as a child. She's told me things about herself in her 20s that indicate that she's always been angry. So I'm probably forming the wrong conclusions about why she's the way she is.

Still, I can't help but unfairly blame myself and my brother for destroying her. (My brother on an objective level is innocent of hurting anybody) We were mere children. And the illnesses couldn't be controlled. And we didn't make her marry our Dad.

I think things used to be happier with me and my Mom, maybe? I have a hard time telling. I miss having faith in her judgment and morals, and loving her, and being a normal family, and not having to question everyone, and not feeling distrust towards everyone, and not always watching the horizon for betrayal, and not always feeling alone with myself and my judgment because I only trust myself and my judgment, and actually being able to form connections with people without an invisible, impenetrable wall present. Built from all the betrayal and misplaced trust.

Well here we are on 9/9/24 about to make some money again. Time to track cash and save stocks.

It's about 20 minutes before the remote IT setup meeting. Idk why they didn't just call me into the office. I guess the IT guy wanted to work from home as well lol.

There's no light in my room, I seriously need to fix that. And I hope Brewster behaves. I plan on using push to talk so the cooing shouldn't be that bad. They might ask me to move him outside though. (But I hope not because I love him and that would suck.)

No thoughts, head empty. A little sleepy. The sleep aid worked well last night, my dreams were less loud and brutal.

Oh, I'm already bored y'all.

First day of work was a lot of talking, IT setup, HR stuff. Not very interesting. Talking to these people is otherworldly. It's like they've never socially fucked up before. I mask my social incompetencies well now, at least.

I'm still struggling to find someone interesting to talk to though, in general. Today was just my first day, so maybe there's hope in the future. I keep trying with people I meet on Discord, Reddit, and previous jobs. But it doesn't seem like people know how to carry a conversation, or how to open up about themselves on something that's actually interesting to talk about. I think I'm trying to make the atmosphere relaxed, to be vulnerable and open, so they open up about themselves as well. But it doesn't seem to work, man. Especially not with people my age.

I think I still hide my humor, which might be the problem. Though I don't think I'm the funniest person. My humor is weird and stupid, and not about things people generally find funny. T's Mom has a real easy time because she's all about fart jokes and slapstick humor, which everyone enjoys. Except me, because my asshole is so tight you can use it for nuclear fusion.

Idk, maybe I should just shut the fuck up forever.

I hope bookbug is accomplishable this month. Between the new job and my sleep issues, it's hard to read. I'll write a partial review if that's all I can get in.

It felt like I almost stopped breathing twice last night, and I had terrible dreams about not being able to breathe. The dreams invloved alternate fantasy universes, Trump supporters, replication superpowers, teenagers, various surreal landscapes, and passing out repeatedly.

In this dream there was an alternate universe, and only me and the 100 people with me knew about it. We were all teenagers again living together, seemed like an endless party or rave.

A magic train appeared one morning, and 20ish people boarded it and it took them to the alternate universe. A lot of us were bummed that we didn't get to go. But there were these strange tribalistic animal murals we called gates, and if we could figure out how to activate them, we can access the alternate world.

So, yanno, some of us just moped around not giving a rat's ass, too busy getting doped up or whatever. The rest of us tried to figure out how to open the gates. We knew blood was involved. Dream me came up with the idea of taking pigeon blood and growing it in containers, so we didn't have to keep sacrificing animals. (Idk why we didn't just buy pig's blood from a butcher or something.)

This is when the Trump supporter side quest starts. By some act of God we were required to go to a teen-led Trump convention held in my middle school gymnasium. To pay our respects. Only about 6 of us went, and the whole place was a sea of sweaty white boys moving in unison, getting mad at your boobs and pelting you with rocks and slurs. I felt stood up because I was expecting a hundred other people on my team to show up, like, was I pranked into going here or something?

Anyways, I skidaddled. I did not run, but I did have a very strong power walk. The boys morphed into an unidentifiable mass of screaming mouths and limbs, and rolled along after me, still going at it with the rock-throwing. But my power walk was faster.

Idk how I found this dude, or how I became 10 years old, but eventually in the maze of my middle school hallways, I happened upon a dude who said, "hey, portal's open," and shoved me through a portal.

I pop out on the otherside and a man in a tophat tells me I have the power to duplicate items if I envision them in my mind hard enough. I tried doing this with cheese but create butter instead, and he said I sucked ass. Some lady in a faux fur coat told me I didn't see the sign and was it a good idea to give me this power, Mr. Hat man? He threw me back into the portal.

I was determined though, to master my new powers. I told my fellow teen partiers to bring me a blue styrofoam plate with a hole in it, so I can replicate them. They did, and I failed. So I thought, maybe I can change the floating ring's color from purple to red. So I went up to the local purple Sonic ring floating around outside the house party house, and tried to make it red. I passed out from this intensive labor, and I woke up to the faces of 8-10 teenagers I've never seen before. "Here, we brought you oxygen." They put a styrofoam cup over my mouth with a tube sticking out and told me to breathe.

I don't know if the ring changed color or not.

Now I'm older, sitting with my ten year old self in what seems to be a family-owned inn. A man sits across from us, "We need someone to go talk to the Trump supporters, and we only have you two."

"Aren't there leadership people for that?"

"They're cowards," he said. You could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Well despite her powers, this girl is suicidal because she hasn't figured out how to master them. So I guess I'll go."

I get teleported to an arctic plain. The cold bites, and I'm unable to breathe. A structure hangs over me, a wave frozen moments before its crash. The ice is clear and gives a warped view of the sky and sun. I'm struggling, fighting to breathe, fighting something. I think I may have tried opening my eyes at this point, but all I saw was a mess of sky and sunlight coming through my bedroom window, in blotches and welts, no discernable shapes...

I woke up eventually, gasping for breath. My breathing didn't normalize until around noon. T thinks I'm anemic, and because of that, I'm not getting enough oxygen in my sleep. Though it could also be sleep apnea. Or it could be my increase in medication! I hope next time I die in my sleep.

Last weekend before the new job. It's gonna be a long while before I can have time like this off again. Godspeed.

Christ though, getting married is a pain. We're going to have to take a day off in the week to get everything straightened out with the court. Name changes are also a fucking pain. I'm having to buy a printer just because I need to print out so much crap for various state agencies. (NJ birth certificate needs to be updated, etc...) I'm a bit worried because it's not a good look to request a day off right as you start a new job, but maybe they'll be nice and let me have it.

With my period of relaxation over, I want to start watching my health again. I fell off of all of that during the stress of job hunting and depression. I got a bunch of junk food this week, so I'm going to enjoy it until Monday, but start exercising this weekend.

There's no way I'll be able to get through all the junk food I bought, so uh... I'll tell T to hide it lol. (He puts it on a high shelf I can't reach, and it actually works at making me forget it's there lol.)

(Sometimes I'm mentally 3 years old.)

I've entered a rhythm of making an entry on this site in the morning. It helps ground me for the day. I think that's why most of my entries are about mundane life stuff.

Today I got a haircut, some miscellaneous items at Home Depot, including strip lights for the apartment (we can't drill holes in the walls). And I picked up my prescription and played video games for the rest of the day.

Not a bad day.

I started crying today because I was thinking about my parents and how angry I am at them. They popped up in my mind, because I have to tell them we're ready for a court wedding, and I said I would invite them. I tend to honor my word, unfortunately.

I'm angry and afraid... I'm tired of pretending with my Dad that I don't think there's anything wrong with my Mom. I don't think I can physically lie about it anymore. I'm just so tired of putting on the act, especially since I'm honest to a fault in the rest of my life, and I've largely stopped caring what people think of me.

I keep wondering why they haven't divorced yet, and it's probably because my Dad doesn't want to care for J on him own, more than because he loves my mother. And I had the thought, "well, I could take in J."

... I love J, but that'd be such a terrible thing to saddle me with at 28, when I finally have some freedom and luxury. I started crying at the thought of how I would do it, all the things I'd have to do to prepare for him, and how I'd care for him when he's here.

I think I have about 10-20 years, before I need to seriously think about taking him in...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i have to wait to play deadlock wah. vinny pretty pissed at this developer. ive never seen vinny pissed at a dev before. or anyone else, really. Like everyone who knows KNOWS Vinny is not an angry guy. i dont think the weed is making me read into this, like, this is Vinny's version of Mad. subtle, no change in tone, but the word CHOICE is more.... punchy?

kinda hot

i had a dog named Vinny once. dead now.

sat in a weird position while playing deadlock and now my arm hurts

I've been listening to A Silver Mt. Zion obsessively. I don't think I've truly recognized how great they are before, despite knowing about them for years. Them and GYBE are some of my favorite bands I think. (GYBE and A Silver Mt. Zion share band members, which is why I mention them both together.)

Today is my psychiatrist appointment. After that I'll try to be good again.

So, you know what's cool, is going to your psychiatrist appointment and her asking for your blood test results from last year. Because you remember a lot of things being borderline abnormal, but your primary care waved it off as nothing. Stuff in your blood can affect your mood though, which is why she asked. So after the psyche appointment, you go back through your blood test results and send her any measurements that are off. And you discover, repeatedly, that you are showing signs of kidney disease.

Which is very, uh. Hm.

Okay so idk if I'm being paranoid. But when multiple areas of my blood test show I borderline have kidney disease? I'm a little... scared.

I KNEW there was something off about having 10-20 UTIs over the course of ten years. I always thought it was the college food but I guess not.

Fucking christ.

When the health care from this next job kicks in, I'm going to go to a kidney doctor and have him look at my blood test results. Which might be a total waste of money. But what if it's not?

But now I'm also paranoid that I'm developing health OCD. Fuck.

Good news is I think this has been going on for a long time, and fortunately I'm not dead, so I guess whatever is going on it's not life threatening. But still.

psychiatrist said i need another blood test because the one i got makes me look anemic. great...

i took the new dose of meds today though, and i feel slightly better. im hoping once work starts again i won't be as isolated and depressed.

I played a lot of Deadlock today. People are calling it Valve's Overwatch. I'm the freezy dude and it's been a lot of fun! I suck though, so I'm only playing against bots. I still don't have great damage output in comparison to other players, so I'm probably not going to move on from bots until that gets better.

It's gonna suck if they nerf him. He's not on people's radars as much as other characters, but the slow he has people are saying is broken. Though, then again, everyone on the Deadlock subreddit is saying every character is broken.

Other than that, I cleaned a lot today, under the bird cage finally. All the fucking DUST. It's hard to go in the bedroom now because of all the dust that got kicked up. I keep sneezing like a little bitch.

I'm not excited to clean more, but I have to because the job starts Monday.

I can't focus on any one thing today. I keep getting distracted by some other thing I think of doing. Idk how many times this morning I thought, "I should enter something on my site," and went to go do something else.

Still going through it.

I have an oral surgery consultation at 3pm today. And I need to start cleaning so I can have a proper home office not covered in bird seed.

Peeko is sitting on top of Brewster atm. Unfortunately, whenever I try to get a picture of them they move.

Pigeon flirting involves face sitting, the female sitting on the male. I'm torn between saying more about this or not.

Sooooooo the name change went through. Day 1 of having a new name. I don't know how to feel. I used to hate my name as a kid, but over time I grew attached to it. I think I hated my name because I hated myself back then. I still struggle, but I like myself more now, and I started liking my old name more as a result. My attitude towards my name became something I took pride in, because of all the hard work I had to do to make me feel better about myself and my life.

Which is why I didn't completely get rid of my old name. But I had to go through the name change because of my marriage coming up, and because of how my parents screwed up my legal name when I was born. Lol.

My last name makes sense for the marriage, but I didn't have to change my middle name. I could've left it. There's something good about removing the blemish my parents left on my middle name though, I think. I should want to fix a mistake like that, instead of remaining ambivalent.

oh thank FUCK my psychiatrist had an opening this week because i am not doing great

i dont think i should be like this for my new job son

cock cage?
penis-vessel

how well do you think skibidi toilet would poll in the breaking bad universe?

you know, i have a drawing that i could be doing. but instead i am here. writing this. but to be fair, it's not the most creative drawing. it's basically inside out. the movie. so.... honestly nothing of value lost.

hey, how do i forget my own card number, so i stop buying shit? im scared.

idk if weed helps. all i know is i feel more like myself with it. i think im fine with that.

i don't blame people for drinking.

you know what i regret? looking down on someone for drinking. what a stupid move. disgusting. hypocriticcal. very reminscent of the time i looked down on someone for liking metal. that level of ignoramous.

i understand why you did it now
the drugs
why you were contemplating it
i get it
i was so young though, how did you expect that i would understand?
i didn't. took me almost 30 years to begin to understand.
such strength. but i think this is how im going to fall
tell me, am i at the beginning of it?

can't self harm by cutting, because it's visible.
can't kill a man,
can't kill yourself because you'll leave them
it's not about being seen, it's about hiding yourself
i build beautiful illusions of strength
so i can be so quiet
so they won't look in my direction

they'll never find me
and i'll always be running
as sure as the sun

it;s all a massive fight

dear lord and christ it's a blood bath
and we're your children!
do not lie to them!
their suffering only worsens

were we a mistake?
what if god is crying because he can't stop this?
a small blue man, hunched over, sobbing, weak

i wonder how many people from my high school made it this far.

i dont think im ever going to fully remember my childhood. there's a lot i don't remember anymore. i can only tell you a fuzzy outline. i forget most of middle school. i forget 6th and 7th grade. in 8th grade i only remember one person: someone i had a crush on. and it was the same in high school. i only remember the internet.

Brewster being cute af right now loafing next to my foot on the bed.

Yeah I think I'm kinda shit at art, ngl. Nah, no, I just don't have motivation for it rn...

Actually yanno what? It's because I'm feeling a bit insecure that I had all this time off, but I never completed anything more than designing this website. God, I gotta stop being hard on myself. At least I designed something! It's not like I did nothing. I was trying to put this place together. That's just what my brain is on.

Still not completely satisfied btw, but it's a lot better. I worry this page is a bit too green. I also need to add more little details... but idk what yet. ToT

The waterpark was a nice change of pace, and I think it got me out of my bad mood a bit, because I'm feeling better this morning than a few days ago.

T told me, "I think maybe you just wanted to swim in a fancy pool," and I think he was right, because I spent an obscene amount of time in the lazy river. And honestly, I think I was more interested in that than the rides. It's been forever since I've fully immersed myself in water. The cool water felt nice... even T enjoyed it. He usually hates swimming.

I guess next time I'm feeling like this I'll just go to a pool or a river.

I felt old, just wanting to chill in the pool at a waterpark.

We also went on this rollercoaster/water ride hybrid. You get in one of the carts and it crashes you into a pool of water. The way the water sprayed around us when we landed was beautiful. The water filled my vision: a million crystals in an arc, glittering in the sun.

There was a big rollercoaster we went on, well it wasn't big, but it was terrifying. I'm not sure what happened. My body was ragdolling in the seat the entire time lmao. I think I had 5 seconds of fun on that ride and the rest was "wtf?"

Yet now I have the urge to go on it again. Lol.

I woke up at 2:30am today, and I just don't feel like sleeping. I think I had about 5 hours of sleep. I can always nap later today.

I'm retreating into my own head again today.

I'm jealous of people who can become obsessed with a fantasy world or franchise. It makes it easier to know what to do with yourself when you're alone, and you can create headcannons and whatever for all of that. Which sounds fun to me, but there's nothing I feel that attached to. And it's become harder for me to imagine new things.

Other people seem to have an easier time getting attached to media, but I'm so picky with it. And for some reason, I have a hard time remembering what I've watched. Most things aren't very memorable to me.

... I feel dead inside...

When I was younger, and still now but less, these times are when I'd start clinging to people for attention. To pull me out of my head. The past few days I've been pestering A for this reason, but the fun of that is wearing off.

What am I feeling, exactly?

It feels like there's a hollow chamber in my chest--okay technically, we all have hollow chambers in our chests. What I mean is I feel empty. What is "empty"? Some sort of anxiety, warm and vast. Tints everything. It's like a fog, but it's not suffocating you, it's not an extreme pain, it's a subtle thing. A subtle unease... maybe the fog stings a little. If you're walking somewhere or if you have something on your mind, it's easier to ignore. But if you don't, you feel this stinging all across your skin. Like when your skin almost blisters, but it doesn't. The emptiness is like some sort of smog.

You're out in the middle of nowhere trying to deal with this smog, and everything hurts. You lose focus and drive. You know the way to make the smog hurt less is by moving, but that goes against your body's natural instinct to curl up into a ball. You're stuck between what you know and what your body wants to do. I usually start screaming for help at this point, for someone to push me along or carry me with them. People, more often than not, don't come though. T can't today because he's out with a friend. I don't have other people I'm close to.

It ends with changes in prescriptions or drugs.

Another thing about this is everything feels very tiring. Like turning on a movie, the most passive thing, all the light and sound feels like a burden. Or I think it will be a burden, it's usually not. But the idea of it is tiring.

God gives his toughest challenges to his strongest warriors, but buddy, I don't feel like being strong today. I can't make a new webpage after going to a water park, mi boy!

And yet, I do so anyways.

Why?

Why do I do this to myself?